Campaign Quotes, NO CONTEXT EDITION!

[CRtwenty]

"A doorway in front of you opens and an elderly Priest hobbles out"
"I clothesline him!"

[Jay R]

"We search the body."
"What's in his hands?"
"What's in his pockets?"
"What's in his stomach?"

[Ursus the Grim]

"You find the elven cultist's whip."
"Oh myyyyyy."

[jindra34]

"By what standard does a few kilometer long dragon qualify as only?"

[Doomboy911]

"Than I put the bear trap in the clown's pillowcase."

"Could I put holy water in a super soaker"

"Don't worry I'll just use the hat of disguise so I can stay au natural"

"Yes but what of the hookers"

"Lets just use the laser scalpel to cut through the ceiling"

"Do it like the celts" (same session as the laser scalpels nothing to do with each other)

"POPO!"

"Oh good I'm on fire now I should be fine"

"You get a 12,000 on the urinal video game"

"A hole through a tree?!"

"I burn the painting that should get them free"

"I may not be a warrior but I am a lumberjack."

"Ok I send the monkeys at the dragon."

"Stealth check to clean my pants" (Got a twenty on that one)

"Yeah but what if I want to be a fatty"

Message me for context.

Oh wait I just remembered another one

"So after eating the second monkey I try to befriend the baby."

"I hit the dragon with my axe, I light the grease beneath it to burn it. I tie up it's mouth and call it a day."

"Wow I just killed a adamantine golem with a straw hat."

"It's called a restraining order, it doesn't mean you must restrain me."

"Yeah well my foot was stuck in a toilet for the last two months and I couldn't kill myself."

"What'dya mean I'm deaf. What? What? What?"(Took him a bit to figure it out.)

"Ok now that they're killing children we should get involved."

"Can we bring the zombie along as a friend."

[The Fury]

PC1: "Aren't you cold?"

PC2: "No I'm fine."

PC3: "Why would he be cold? He's not really a snake person you know."

PC1: "Yeah, I know that. He is naked though."

PC3: "What? No he's not! That would be ridiculous!"

PC2: *impish grin* "Yeah, actually I am."

PC3: "*sigh.*"

[Noedig]

"I investigate the hissing."

[DigoDragon]

"I'm not sure what kind of relationship Freya and I have, but do note that polymorph is off the table."

[Hunter Noventa]

Player: Okay, I roll diplomacy to gain the support of the princess.
GM: Your roll moves her from friendly to prone.

[dethkruzer]

"I'm gonna need you to dislocate your own shoulder" *Pulls out a meat cleaver*

[Ulysses WkAmil]

"Ok Uguhbee, you drink the potion and...turn into...a tiger...Tuguhbee the Tiger..."

[Deepbluediver]

(speaking via magic-crystal/spellphone)

PC1: Hey, where are you?

PC2: Ugh, I dunno, I think it looks like the observatory.

PC1: What are you doing up there?

PC2: I have no idea, I just woke up.

PC1: Can you tell me anything else about your situation? Like the last thing you remember or what you're wearing?

PC2: I've got my fish-pants on.

[Lothmar]

~Dnd characters exploring the abilities of a new magical keep that has come into their possession~

Look just because you can create portals that lead to other portals does not mean you should create a railgun system to launch the contents of the first two portals out of a new portal after changing one of the portals destinations to the third!

Did you just summon a door to the citadel to escape crushing/acid damage from inside the monster?

me: So you created a hot air hide balloon and attached it to a basket, so that you can open the trap door to the roof into the floor of the basket and attack the enemy on the ground from above, but you're shooting up?
Archer: Yes.
Me: That's all well and good but my special mount is not Ammo even if it can survive a terminal velocity fall!
Archer: But you keep going on and on how she is a boss killer.

Me: Wait, you're telling me you've figured out a way to add the portal property of the keep to equipment?
Artificer: That's correct, though it's barely the circumference of a banana.
Archer: ~smirks~ That's perfect...
Me: So instead of taking cover behind me or a long ways away in a conflict you'll simply fire from the safety of the interdimensional fortress at opponents who cannot perceive you?
archer: You act like your fame will not increase drastically as a killing machine from this.
Me: ~sigh~

archer: Wait, you mean we can remove doors, stairs and other features at will simply by concentrating?
Me: Waaaah! ~lands face first on lower floor~

gm: Your mechanized staff of doodads has been devoured by the spirit of gluttony, what do you do.
Artificer: He choose the wrong place to fight me then. I activate the replicator and I fire, the ham of ages with telekinesis!
gm: The what?
Artificer: You remember that Pizza, stuffed inside a turkey, stuffed inside a ham that was deep fried and dipped in chocolate that the cook made with a 40 cooking check right?
Gm: Yeah...
Artificer: That's what im attacking with.
gm: But you guys ate that...
Artificer: Don't you remember that I placed it in the replicator before we ate to make sure we could create it again.
gm: Hmm true... ~rolls some dice~ the ham hits with a wet thud doing relatively little damage. The creature however appears to be focused on it now and devours it with a full round action.
artificer: I'll lather rinse and repeat as necessary and pray that help comes somewhat soon.
~10 rounds later~
me: What the hell is this!? ~gluttony spirit has grown 2 size categories and is now incapable of flight as it continues to eat what falls close to it~
artificer: Help me, my finger is cramping!
me: Are you sure you need my help, I don't think it can move... ~Walks over and kicks the thing in the side~
artificer: ...Really? Oh thank goodness your +4 against fear helped me pass that, I was too terrified from its menace to consider moving. ~Artificer leaves the room~
Me: HEY! Gah, guess I gotta clean up this mess.
Gluttony spirt: ~gagging burp~

[cfalcon]

"Does the asparagus look threatening?"

"We're going to get you a very special kind of armor. It's called 'armor'."

[Lakaz]

"DON'T TURN ON THE LIGHTS, THE PAINTINGS MIGHT SEE YOU!"

"Is it just me, or do the players in this campaign have a lower san score than the characters?"

[Paperback]

"Elk are Overpowered! Nerf Elk!"

"Anyone who thought that you were me deserves to be scammed."

"Doing this let's us activate Hard Mode, right?"
*one overcomplicated event and half an encounter later*
"I changed my mind. I don't like hard mode."

"I like to call it the 'Get out of Boss Fight free' gun."

"I don't believe it! Here we were, all four of us separately developing convoluted plans to kill each other and you just railroad the ending for a goddamned sequel?"

DM: You see a hunting pack of Deathclaws running down the hillside at you.
PC 1: How many Deathclaws?
DM: Five
PC 1: Whelp, that's good game everyone. Nice knowing you.
PC 2: What are you talking about? I can just dimension door away!
PC 1: You can, the rest of us can't. We'll die.
PC 2: I'll remember you fondly though.

[Snowbluff]

"I Excavate Brain Matter. 13. I remove his brain, right?"

[Kymme]

"He embarrassed? Right. I follow him around the corner and stab him to death."

[Arcane_Snowman]

"Do you even know how to drive a car?"
"... no."

"You see, the only time you have to include a duration for a spell is when you're altering a person's Essential Nature, dismembering them doesn't change anything fundamental about them, they just have less limbs."

[Milo v3]

"Why do all your characters end up with brawls with gods?"

"I swing my dagger so quickly that it melts into his face."

"Would it be possible.... To make my monkey's explode?"

"It's not a pokeball, it doesn't have a button."

"What happened to him?"
"He attacked the grass. He lost."

"Quickly friends, get inside me and collect your weapons."

"You know, sometimes I don't think there is a nice way to eat peoples souls."

"I eat him."

"So I can't be a peeble?"

"Behold the magnificence of my flower concubines."

"For the last time, that's not a skeleton head it's a skull."

[ZeroGear]

"I cast Detect Magic."
"Only him."
"My foul stench!"

DM: "There are things in here you wouldn't touch with a 10-foot pole."
PC 1 & PC 2: "He would."
PC 3: "HEY!"

"I go and stand in the middle of the room!"

"Let's get out of here before something weird happens."
"Nothing's happening."

"We're penetrating deeper into the chamber."

"So, whatever goes into those waters gets dispelled?"
"Is my disease magical?"

"Summoning room?"
"For the exotic pleasures of the flesh...."

"Why does everything here have to do with madness?!"
"Blue b*lls man, blue b*lls."

DM: "You lose a point of wisdom damage..."
PC 3: "So you're losing your wits."
DM: "...and you're deaf."
PC 3: "...and your hearing."

DM: "It looks like a monster manual."
PC 3: "Does it say 'Penned by Gary Gygax'?"
DM: "No, it says 'Penned by Sorshen, Runelord of Lust'."
PC 2: "That most likely goes in the 'Oh S***' pile."

DM: "When you pick up [character's] body, it crumbles and the mustache detaches and flies off."
PC 2: "Ok...am I going crazier?"

"So It's going to keep the body there until the body rots?"
"Well. it can't move on its own power."

"The strange sound of a woman's voice calls your name."
"I knew this was going to get f***** up."

"So you're not going to answer the door?"
"We are in a dungeon where we've been getting our a**es handed to us."

"So you've become less of a man?"
"Essentially, yes."

[Flail_master]

*Flatline*
"NOOO, your booty shaking killed him!"

[EdokTheTwitch]

We Need More Tentacles!

[DigoDragon]

"Mint? Oh yeah, I love Mint. What I wouldn't do to have a private evening with her, a pocket of gold, a bottle of fine wine and... you were talking about the cake frosting, weren't you?"

"I'm trying to remember my motivation for sneaking into the thieves guild with a drunk paladin, but then it dawned on me; I'm Chaotic Nutters."

"Ladies and walking experience points, it's time for the Murder Circus!"

"Is it possible for a paladin to be too drunk to fall from grace?"

[Lothmar]

The paladin finishes explaining something ic.
Gm: "I must redeem myself, through genocide." the gm mocks.
Other players laughing their asses off and explaining how they view the situation in similar light.
paladin ooc: "There has to be a more honorable word for the slaughter of innocents..."
~laughter filled smoke break~

[Jbr208]

"I love the smell of nested leadership feats in the morning. It smells like... victory."

[Axinian]

PC1: I want it.

PC2: The destrachan!?!?!

PC1: Yes. I shall name him Shouty.

[ClockShock]

"It's not a trap, it's a boulder storage device."

[OverdrivePrime]

"Turtles are Nature's professionals."

[Buddha's_Cookie]

PC: I go to turn the key.
DM: Are you doing that in power armor?
PC: *scared*.....no.... (lie)

PC: I poke his wound.
NPC: AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH, why did you do that?
PC: I wanted to be sure it was real.