Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

[Grytorm]

Having a friend you have a thing for can be frustrating, especially when you know nothing's ever going to happen. If it's causing you serious problems it's often better to distance yourself until you can get over it at least a bit. What worries me more is that you consider her your best friend and yet you barely see her and struggle to talk to her when you do.

No other real candidates occur to me. Nobody else I know has participated in any other significant events in my life. And if I was to list my best friend based on how much I interact with people whoever my best friend is would change every school term and I would arguably have no best friend during the summer months because I do not interact with anyone I consider friends except on my way to and from school. I have not spent time in a non school based social setting for years.

[Aedilred]

No other real candidates occur to me. Nobody else I know has participated in any other significant events in my life. And if I was to list my best friend based on how much I interact with people whoever my best friend is would change every school term and I would arguably have no best friend during the summer months because I do not interact with anyone I consider friends except on my way to and from school. I have not spent time in a non school based social setting for years.

Friendship isn't just about how much time you spend with someone (although it is a major factor in establishing friendships) but more about comfortable you feel around someone. From what you've said you're really not comfortable around her and struggle to maintain a conversation. Assuming that you haven't told her how you feel, there's also a significant trust issue there (which is not an invitation to tell her, mind). None of that really screams "best friend". If she genuinely is the closest thing you have to a best friend - albeit bear in mind I gave up on the notion of having a singular best friend many years ago - it's probably time to try to cultivate some other relationships, if nothing else so you have some kind of moral support for any issues of upset and frustration caused by your feelings for her.

[Karoht]

Hmm. Would it be okay to post something that would be better in the Personal woes and Advice thread if it would have to be a double post? Don't worry I have something relevant to say this post. Although only partially because I feel like posting.

My biggest annoyance when it comes to romance is partially that I hold onto crushes a long time. Why this is annoying is that I still have a crush for a girl from high school that I have found very cute for four years. Arguably she is my best friend, we walked together at graduation and she helped me with a charity fundraiser. The reason this is annoying is that she has been dating someone for around three years. I am still attracted to her. but it annoys me because I know nothing will ever happen (which is kind of how I view my life). It isn't really that I know nothing will happen. That doesn't really dissatisfy me as much as that I have a hard time talking to her in the rare times I see her. It saddens me.

I realized that I still have a strong crush on her because a few days ago I saw a series of drawings she made showing herself and her boyfriend on facebook. I felt very jealous. I just wish I had a life I enjoyed more.

I hung onto crushes for years at a time in High School. It's not weird or anything.
I had a crush on a girl, I'm just going to call her Catt. And literally, everyone but her could see it. Everyone wanted me to hook up with her, mostly due to distrust of her current and previous boyfriends. I avoided being the White Knight type guy, but I was a good guy and I was genuinely trying to be her friend.
After a few years, and long after I moved on, she was having issues with her fiancee. I met up with her, and I told her all about my crush on her (it never really went away). I assured her that I was genuinely her friend, but that I did have very strong feelings for her. At the time she wanted advice and I felt that my bias against her fiancee (he was THE stereotype jerkwad, possible abuse involved) needed to be on the table for me to give her any kind of sincere advice. It was a good experience for both of us really. She broke up with the guy later (had absolutely nothing to do with me or my advice), and everyone was happy.
You can love someone with all your heart and not be with them. And it hurts but in kind of a good way.

But what I learned was, any time I have a crush or attraction towards someone, I now ask a very important question. "Is this crush goggles (beer goggles evil twin) or is this genuine interest?"

My only advice is, be comfortable around the person. Easier said than done, but just remember that there isn't really a pressure to perform, to impress this person. She's your friend, she likes you for you, you don't need to be awesome all the time, just be you. In a way, you've already won, the boyfriend is the one who has to maintain the competition, you're free of all that. I wish I had come to that realization sooner myself, it would have saved me a few years of awkward stuttering.

As far as looking for other relationships, just be comfortable, be casual, and keep your eyes open. You never know what's going to land right in your lap.

[Glass Mouse]

Glass Mouse, ouch, your flatmate does sound a bit like a sour grape. Does she work or study? Maybe she's stressed out for some reason, and has planned that on this particular Saturday she wants to cool down? I'm always trying to see the both sides of the situation, but unless it's something serious, she should be able to adjust her plans a bit. And 9m2 isn't that small, or no, wait, it is kinda small/average for Nordic standards... I'm not sure anymore

She said she's gonna have a tough week at work, so this Saturday is a special case. But it was followed by her basically saying, "well, when I'm out, you're free to have parties", so... I don't even know what to expect in the future. Gonna have to run some tests to see if it repeats itself.

9m2 is kinda small by our standards. It's an okay room size, but a terrible living size.

In general I think it's usually better to invite people living in a house to events you're going to host there.

*nod, nod* That sounds like a good principle. I'll have to hang on to that for the future!

My guess is that she's kind of anti-social. I see you're looking into making other plans, but be assured your etiquette isn't off, unless you somehow made her feel like she wouldn't be allowed in the common room at all. Can she chill on Sunday instead?
It's also possible that you warned her too late. I know that I tend to make plans several weeks ahead and can get very... anxious over any changes, even if they would have been totally fine in the first place. She might be stressing out about the idea of strangers in her place during a time she had already planned out as alone time.

Either way, doing it somewhere else or staying in your room might work best. Did she say it would be impossible for it to be mainly in your room, but dinner allowed in the common room or something, just for half and hour to an hour? Or just allowing the guests to go there so they can grab a drink or something?

Honestly, if she's antisocial enough that a couple of hours are too much to ask for, she's probably not really suited to have a roommate.

Yeah, this thing makes me think she might be a little like me seven years ago. That is, kinda anti-social, a bit of a control freak, and fiercely protective of personal space. Maybe. I don't know her well enough to say. But the whole "freaking out about strangers" is something I used to do a lot, so if that's it, I can sympathize.

I'm gonna have to talk to her tomorrow, if nothing else to smooth things over. And who knows, maybe there is something major in her week that she wasn't telling me, or I failed to communicate clearly (I was pretty surprised and annoyed at her initial reaction, which probably shone through), or... I'm not holding my breath, but I'll settle for non-awkwardness until exams are over.

And I'm definitely looking into new places to live, just in case.

Thanks again, guys! It's really good to get another perspective on the situation


Now, to pay a little back to the thread...

My biggest annoyance when it comes to romance is partially that I hold onto crushes a long time. Why this is annoying is that I still have a crush for a girl from high school that I have found very cute for four years. Arguably she is my best friend, we walked together at graduation and she helped me with a charity fundraiser. The reason this is annoying is that she has been dating someone for around three years. I am still attracted to her. but it annoys me because I know nothing will ever happen (which is kind of how I view my life). It isn't really that I know nothing will happen. That doesn't really dissatisfy me as much as that I have a hard time talking to her in the rare times I see her. It saddens me.

I realized that I still have a strong crush on her because a few days ago I saw a series of drawings she made showing herself and her boyfriend on facebook. I felt very jealous. I just wish I had a life I enjoyed more.

This doesn't sound to me like a "how to get over a crush" issue, but more a "how to make my life better, so crush won't matter as much" issue. It sounds to me like the crush is a symptom of general dissatisfaction and social hunger.

So...
Get out of school and find another social setting, just once or twice a week. Could be drawing, parkour, knitting, whatever you enjoy doing.
Try to invite school friends (or friendlies - they can be upgraded with time) to hang out after school or in the summer. They might surprise you.
If you have old friends who lost touch... grab 'em! Many are silently sad that you lost contact, and will welcome you back.

I don't know if it's an English saying, but in Danish, we say "You need to crawl before you can walk". I think that applies beautifully to social settings as well. If you're someone who has issues with friendship (or lack thereof), you definitely need to work on that before thinking in romance. Friendship is difficulty level Medium. Dating is Expert mode.

But that's just my immediate thought. It's not an easy fix - at all! - but if it'd make you a little happier, it's worth it

[Grytorm]

Friendship isn't just about how much time you spend with someone (although it is a major factor in establishing friendships) but more about comfortable you feel around someone. From what you've said you're really not comfortable around her and struggle to maintain a conversation. Assuming that you haven't told her how you feel, there's also a significant trust issue there (which is not an invitation to tell her, mind). None of that really screams "best friend". If she genuinely is the closest thing you have to a best friend - albeit bear in mind I gave up on the notion of having a singular best friend many years ago - it's probably time to try to cultivate some other relationships, if nothing else so you have some kind of moral support for any issues of upset and frustration caused by your feelings for her.

Thinking about it more. I am comfortable around her but it is actually her boyfriends presence that makes me uncomfortable. It reminds me that perhaps I like in interacting with her because I have a crush. Although the crush probably grew out of liking to interact with her and that I found her cute. Yeah I do need to work on dealing with people more and I am starting to work on it. I probably will try to connect with her more. I think she is somewhat close. Just because of how I deal with people. I am distant from people because I live out in the country so rely on long travel times, have had a lot of shyness in interaction and have been satisfied until the last few years.

My only advice is, be comfortable around the person. Easier said than done, but just remember that there isn't really a pressure to perform, to impress this person. She's your friend, she likes you for you, you don't need to be awesome all the time, just be you. In a way, you've already won, the boyfriend is the one who has to maintain the competition, you're free of all that. I wish I had come to that realization sooner myself, it would have saved me a few years of awkward stuttering.

As far as looking for other relationships, just be comfortable, be casual, and keep your eyes open. You never know what's going to land right in your lap.

This seems pretty good advice. I don't worry about it to much though just because I haven't seen her that much. This is good advice though. All of it. I'm glad I posted this here now. Mostly I posted just to post. I actually had a five minute conversation with her today. Just ran into her at the computer lab in the library. I'm just glad I posted this because it got to my issues with people even if it didn't start with that.

This doesn't sound to me like a "how to get over a crush" issue, but more a "how to make my life better, so crush won't matter as much" issue. It sounds to me like the crush is a symptom of general dissatisfaction and social hunger.

So...
Get out of school and find another social setting, just once or twice a week. Could be drawing, parkour, knitting, whatever you enjoy doing.
Try to invite school friends (or friendlies - they can be upgraded with time) to hang out after school or in the summer. They might surprise you.
If you have old friends who lost touch... grab 'em! Many are silently sad that you lost contact, and will welcome you back.

I don't know if it's an English saying, but in Danish, we say "You need to crawl before you can walk". I think that applies beautifully to social settings as well. If you're someone who has issues with friendship (or lack thereof), you definitely need to work on that before thinking in romance. Friendship is difficulty level Medium. Dating is Expert mode.

But that's just my immediate thought. It's not an easy fix - at all! - but if it'd make you a little happier, it's worth it

My crush is definately real or was completely real at some point. It probably is partly driven by social hunger but I had the crush before I got depressed and lonely. Social hunger shows through slightly crushing on a lot of girls. considering asking them out just to spend more time with people.

Yeah developing a better social situation to hang out in is something I need to do. I have a lot of people who would be willing to hang out with me. I just generally haven't. My conversation skills do run involve a lot of monology stuff which partially contributed. I like to talk about my interests a lot (aspergers).

I do kind of have a semiregular social event in MtG, but I am limited that my parents have to help drive me and it has never felt as close. Kind of close. Just because of the games and I don't spend enough time at the store to really join in any cliques. Which I do not mean in a negative way. Just kind of descriptive of groups in a larger group who grou up when the larger group isn't dictating groupings. Convolution!

It has an English version but I think the Danish is better in this case. We typically say "Better to walk before you can run." Yeah I definately need to work on socialization more. And I might have uncovered a few ways to do that. The one girl I have the crush on is going to be in a play and suggested that I might enjoy going. And a girl on the bus said she wouldn't mind hanging out with me.

Last. I wrote a poem because a metaphor occured to me. This is probably the most legitimate poem I have ever written because it didn't start as an attempt to write a poem. Partially influenced by me experience in leaving high school for college.

Spoiler: Fireflys

Show

Giant hands hold the jars
Children playing, field of stars
All away from way up high
Comes along lone firefly
In the jar goes the spark
Just to talk, heart to heart
Giant hands screw wire tight
Children's laughter in the night
Friendly voices that he hears
Drive away alone in tears
Now to the sticky floor
This a way to fly no more
Giant hands now set them free
Except for one with none to see

[Karoht]

Thinking about it more. I am comfortable around her but it is actually her boyfriends presence that makes me uncomfortable.

I was like this around Catt's fiancee for years, and I honestly thought the problem was me. Turns out he was intentionally being a jerkwad any time I was around, I was picking up on that. Apparently he "felt threatened by smart people" according to Catt. Which was a dramatic understatement.
Chances are you make this guy just as uncomfortable, or at the very least you limit his actions by being around. Maybe not. Either way, just try to be more relaxed and casual and I'm sure you'll do fine.

This seems pretty good advice. I don't worry about it to much though just because I haven't seen her that much. This is good advice though. All of it. I'm glad I posted this here now. Mostly I posted just to post. I actually had a five minute conversation with her today. Just ran into her at the computer lab in the library. I'm just glad I posted this because it got to my issues with people even if it didn't start with that.

Glad to help.

My crush is definately real or was completely real at some point. It probably is partly driven by social hunger but I had the crush before I got depressed and lonely. Social hunger shows through slightly crushing on a lot of girls. considering asking them out just to spend more time with people.

You can ask someone out without asking them out.
Even if they have a significant other, asking to spend more time with someone is usually quite acceptable so long as it remains platonic. "You're really cool to hang out with, we should do more stuff." It's something I say to all kinds of people, boys or girls, regardless of their relationship status. Though, it helps that I have a fiancee so they know that it's going to stay platonic.

Yeah developing a better social situation to hang out in is something I need to do. I have a lot of people who would be willing to hang out with me. I just generally haven't. My conversation skills do run involve a lot of monology stuff which partially contributed. I like to talk about my interests a lot (aspergers).

A monologue can turn into a whole scene so easily.
I have a few friends with Aspergers. When one of them starts talking about himself and his interests to the point of dominating a conversation, I break it up by asking him "what is it about X that really catches your interest?" And it opens up the conversation a bit more, it makes it easy for others to jump in without shutting him down.

Spoiler: Fireflys

Show

Giant hands hold the jars
Children playing, field of stars
All away from way up high
Comes along lone firefly
In the jar goes the spark
Just to talk, heart to heart
Giant hands screw wire tight
Children's laughter in the night
Friendly voices that he hears
Drive away alone in tears
Now to the sticky floor
This a way to fly no more
Giant hands now set them free
Except for one with none to see

Excellent choice. Tell me, what element or elements of this poem really draws you in?
See what I did thar?

[Grytorm]

What I like about it is how it lacks a usual search for meaning that my scarce previous attempts at poetry has. I started with a simple metaphor for my own emotions which didn't come from an attempt at developing a metaphor. However it isn't really talking about myself directly. Mechanicaly I like the lines "All away from way up high; Comes along lone firefly" because of the interior similar sounds.

[Karoht]

I really need help with something, playgrounders.
Unfortunately, I don't think I can handle an open relationship. It's really against what relationships and sexuality mean to me and I do not have the strength of the self confidence to deal with the idea that my wife sleeps with other men. We are going to go to couples counseling, but she warned me it wouldn't change her mind on the fact that from now on it'll be an open marriage - what she wants to discuss at counseling, basically, are the rules and details of it, and how to make it palatable for me.

I personally, greatly disenjoy how it feels a lot like she has made up her mind without you. I would more or less open with this at counselling. PS, good on you for trying counselling. You're fighting and not giving up. That is wonderful.

I'm somewhat upset at her because I feel betrayed - I feel that the committment, responsibilities and what we've built so far mean should be worth more than being able to sleep with other people, and I feel like I was asked to trust a promise that was ultimately broken with devastating effect.

Point number 2 at counselling. And if she treats your feelings as worthless at this point, that to me would be the clear sign of a dealbreaker.

I don't know what I should do. I still love her, but I feel like going on with this plan will really destroy me and send me into deep depression. Some people tell me to try and see how it goes, others tell me that open relationships that don't come from mutual agreement are doomed to fail catastrophically. At the same time, I'm really afraid of being alone if I leave her, and not being able to find another serious relationship, and I feel like part of the reason why I'd stay with her comes from that fear.

You need to be brave. I mean really, facing down the scariest of scary monsters brave. Because the way forward is full of scary monsters. You're facing a lot of negative emotions and toxic situations here. I'm not going to sugar coat this but chances are she's going to say some pretty hurtful things at counselling when she explains why she is so willing to (or seems to be) discard your feelings, why she wants an open marriage.
At the same point, you need to consider something else. You were a couple for how long before marriage? A year and a bit? That is a very short time to get to know someone, or a very long time to get to know someone, depending on the point of view. And you spent how long apart?
As for that fear of being alone? Brave now. It's something to bring up at the counselling as well. I'm going to talk plainly here, maybe the reason she wants an open marriage is because she's equally afraid of the same thing you are. She wants a security blanket. Think now, is that healthy? For anyone involved? The counsellor will likely say not.
BUT! Wait. There's hope. You're around now, you're stable, you've barely had a chance at being together. The counsellor is just as likely to say that you guys need time to be together before you can make a choice about this.

[Werewindlefr]

Thanks for the support, everyone!

Unfortunately, things didn't work out. The whole open relationship thing was partly a cover, partly an attempt for her to reconcile things which were unreasonable to reconcile. She started getting closer to a friend of ours slightly more than a week ago while helping him with some stuff and I discovered their online conversations involved a lot of sexual flirtation and plans to have sex, as well as sleazy ideas to dump me without having to really face it (one of her plans involved going to the couples counsellor and use it as an excuse to dump me, "but maybe I should just save the money"), and how she was really tempted to just cheat on me, as well as a nice list of things that was really humiliating for me. And a lot of non-sexual infidelity.

No open relationship would have worked here, even if I was okay with them, I think. It involved too much emotional attachment towards this guy from her part, and since it's one of our common friends things would have been super awkward at best, awfully ugly at worst.

Basically, though, I confronted her about it when I found out - she apologized for "being disloyal and treating me like that", which shows she at least realizes it - packed my luggage and took the first plane back to my home country. This means my green card application is now cancelled for good, so there's no turning back ever.

I'm really mad at her for throwing it all away in such a short time on a whim (things were good overall between us and none of our problems was really out of the ordinary for a marriage), but I've decided to just rebuild my life and stop caring about her, even if it means cutting loose parts of my past (belongings, common acquaintances). Find a job, find a crew, keep flying, as they say. Of course, a therapist will be needed.

[Kalmageddon]

Thanks for the support, everyone!

Unfortunately, things didn't work out. The whole open relationship thing was partly a cover, partly an attempt for her to reconcile things which were unreasonable to reconcile. She started getting closer to a friend of ours slightly more than a week ago while helping him with some stuff and I discovered their online conversations involved a lot of sexual flirtation and plans to have sex, as well as sleazy ideas to dump me without having to really face it (one of her plans involved going to the couples counsellor and use it as an excuse to dump me, "but maybe I should just save the money"), and how she was really tempted to just cheat on me, as well as a nice list of things that was really humiliating for me. And a lot of non-sexual infidelity.

No open relationship would have worked here, even if I was okay with them, I think. It involved too much emotional attachment towards this guy from her part, and since it's one of our common friends things would have been super awkward at best, awfully ugly at worst.

Basically, though, I confronted her about it when I found out - she apologized for "being disloyal and treating me like that", which shows she at least realizes it - packed my luggage and took the first plane back to my home country. This means my green card application is now cancelled for good, so there's no turning back ever.

I'm really mad at her for throwing it all away in such a short time on a whim (things were good overall between us and none of our problems was really out of the ordinary for a marriage), but I've decided to just rebuild my life and stop caring about her, even if it means cutting loose parts of my past (belongings, common acquaintances). Find a job, find a crew, keep flying, as they say. Of course, a therapist will be needed.

Wow. Just... Wow...
I'll refrain from commenting her behaviour because I assume it would do you no good, all I can say is that I admire your bravery and determination in facing this situation like you did. It may sound strange but not a lot of people have the courage of simply moving on like you are doing even after being faced with something like this.
You showed real dignity and for what it's worth I admire it.

I wish you the best of luck in starting a new life!

[Lissou]

That sucks. Best of luck in moving forward.

I think you're right that an open relationship wouldn't have worked. Not because she had feelings for the other guy, but because she wasn't honest, sincere or respectful to you. It looks like she's monogamous, and so she wouldn't actually have been with both of you, but with him, really.

You seem like a very strong person, and I wish you the best.

[Grytorm]

I've been thinking. I kind of want to start dating just because (I don't really know how to express why). But I have only been on one date. I don't really know how to ask someone out. I can kind of guess. But what is the ettiquete in choosing someone to ask out for a date or lunch. I have a few people who I am interested in but I am uncertan how to approach them and until now I have only interacted with one of them heavily. The other I am slightly interested in I met on the bus once and wish to talk to her more. (I am afraid) And even worse I don't really know how dating works. What expectations are typical or how to make time in my schedule to spend time with someone else. (I am afraid) I don't know what to expect. I don't know anything. (I am afraid)

Also any advice on how to talk to a therapist. I have been feeling depressed lately and want to see one. But I am reliant on my family to see a therapist and I don't want to talk to them about my problems. I wish I wasn't trapped at home. I wish I wasn't trapped at home.

Also. On a slightly brighter note I have tried writing poetry about me feelings. Unfortunately it is about negative feelings and I don't know who it would be safe to share them with. Lately I just have been feeling depressed and pessemistic. It could qualify as a trigger. I don't know if I can post them here.

[Knaight]

I think you're right that an open relationship wouldn't have worked. Not because she had feelings for the other guy, but because she wasn't honest, sincere or respectful to you. It looks like she's monogamous, and so she wouldn't actually have been with both of you, but with him, really.

Yeah, the relationship was hosed. As for the reasons, I'd be a bit blunter here - she was being a duplicitous jerk, and it doesn't look good for her in general.

[Jon_Dahl]

I have a small but weird problem with a woman...
I've been exchanging e-mails with a woman whom I met thought the Internet. So far it has been somewhat difficult on my part because she seems to ignore about half of my questions. I've asked her about normal things such as her language skills and if she'd like to read my poetry, but most of the time she answers some of my questions and some she ignores. I got upset about this and basically stopped writing to her nothing more than simple generic e-mails, but she noticed that I'm not all right and asked me about it. I told her that she ignores my questions and she simply apologized.

I find it very hard to comprehend how anyone can function like this. What do you think?

[Taet]

I have a small but weird problem with a woman...
I've been exchanging e-mails with a woman whom I met thought the Internet. So far it has been somewhat difficult on my part because she seems to ignore about half of my questions. I've asked her about normal things such as her language skills and if she'd like to read my poetry, but most of the time she answers some of my questions and some she ignores. I got upset about this and basically stopped writing to her nothing more than simple generic e-mails, but she noticed that I'm not all right and asked me about it. I told her that she ignores my questions and she simply apologized.

I find it very hard to comprehend how anyone can function like this. What do you think?

I do not want to answer this question.

[Chen]

I have a small but weird problem with a woman...
I've been exchanging e-mails with a woman whom I met thought the Internet. So far it has been somewhat difficult on my part because she seems to ignore about half of my questions. I've asked her about normal things such as her language skills and if she'd like to read my poetry, but most of the time she answers some of my questions and some she ignores. I got upset about this and basically stopped writing to her nothing more than simple generic e-mails, but she noticed that I'm not all right and asked me about it. I told her that she ignores my questions and she simply apologized.

I find it very hard to comprehend how anyone can function like this. What do you think?

How many questions are you putting in emails? It's conceivably that she choose to answer the first one and then segued into a different topic using her answer. This isn't uncommon with asynchronous communication, because its the standard way synchronous communication usually works. Rarely will someone bombard the other with a bunch of questions and then wait for the answer when talking face to face, so people may not be used to it in writing. I know a couple people like that who really didn't think anything about it.

[Jon_Dahl]

How many questions are you putting in emails? It's conceivably that she choose to answer the first one and then segued into a different topic using her answer. This isn't uncommon with asynchronous communication, because its the standard way synchronous communication usually works. Rarely will someone bombard the other with a bunch of questions and then wait for the answer when talking face to face, so people may not be used to it in writing. I know a couple people like that who really didn't think anything about it.

1-4. Most do not require long answers, such as the examples I gave.

[Chen]

1-4. Most do not require long answers, such as the examples I gave.

Still if its a bunch of questions in somewhat of a list, people are going to likely answer the first couple and try to be having some sort of conversation in the email. Not addressing things is going to happen.

Now if she's just giving short answers in point form and still skipping questions, then sure there's an issue.

[Coidzor]

I have a small but weird problem with a woman...
I've been exchanging e-mails with a woman whom I met thought the Internet. So far it has been somewhat difficult on my part because she seems to ignore about half of my questions. I've asked her about normal things such as her language skills and if she'd like to read my poetry, but most of the time she answers some of my questions and some she ignores. I got upset about this and basically stopped writing to her nothing more than simple generic e-mails, but she noticed that I'm not all right and asked me about it. I told her that she ignores my questions and she simply apologized.

I find it very hard to comprehend how anyone can function like this. What do you think?

I'd have to know what sort of format your emails followed and what she did with her emails other than partially answering your questions and if she responded to the questions when they were asked later with less sandwiches crowded around.

Was it just question tennis or was there exposition and other forms of conversation along with questions and answers? Did you ask her about the whole leaving off questions thing or indicate to her that she could just say if she'd prefer to not answer questions at that time?

I do not want to answer this question.

Aww

[Lissou]

It's quite possible she saw your questions are topic proposals, in other words, you giving her the choice between a few subjects to talk about, and so she picked one and wrote her answer. Unless she wrote super brief answers, that doesn't strike me as rude.

It's also possible she read the email, then wrote hers without referring to yours, and didn't remember every question. Unless I actually quote the email then answer between each question, I don't generally keep track of what I did or did not answer.

[Themrys]

I have a small but weird problem with a woman...
I've been exchanging e-mails with a woman whom I met thought the Internet. So far it has been somewhat difficult on my part because she seems to ignore about half of my questions. I've asked her about normal things such as her language skills and if she'd like to read my poetry, but most of the time she answers some of my questions and some she ignores. I got upset about this and basically stopped writing to her nothing more than simple generic e-mails, but she noticed that I'm not all right and asked me about it. I told her that she ignores my questions and she simply apologized.

I find it very hard to comprehend how anyone can function like this. What do you think?

Maybe she just didn't want to talk about those things?

Maybe she doesn't want to read your poetry, but thought it rude to write that. (In my experience, most people you know won't want to read what you write. The only people who ever read my novel were other writers.)

I have had people ignore questions in live conversation. I usually don't ask why, just assume they don't want to talk about it.

[Jack Squat]

I've been thinking. I kind of want to start dating just because (I don't really know how to express why). But I have only been on one date. I don't really know how to ask someone out. I can kind of guess. But what is the ettiquete in choosing someone to ask out for a date or lunch. I have a few people who I am interested in but I am uncertan how to approach them and until now I have only interacted with one of them heavily. The other I am slightly interested in I met on the bus once and wish to talk to her more. (I am afraid) And even worse I don't really know how dating works. What expectations are typical or how to make time in my schedule to spend time with someone else. (I am afraid) I don't know what to expect. I don't know anything. (I am afraid)

There's not really a whole lot of ettiquete. As far as asking someone out, it's as simple as "Hey, want to go do X" and then if they say no, respecting their answer. For the person who you talked with on the bus once, perhaps you'll want to talk to her a little more to get to know her better first, but YMMV.

As far as how dating "works", for the first couple dates it's kind of like hanging out with a friend mixed with a job interview. You'll want to pick an activity that both of you will want to do (try to avoid the typical dinner and a movie, because neither of those activities are conducive to a conversation), and you're just wanting to see if the other is compatible and if you both have a good time together.

Also any advice on how to talk to a therapist. I have been feeling depressed lately and want to see one. But I am reliant on my family to see a therapist and I don't want to talk to them about my problems. I wish I wasn't trapped at home. I wish I wasn't trapped at home.

Also. On a slightly brighter note I have tried writing poetry about me feelings. Unfortunately it is about negative feelings and I don't know who it would be safe to share them with. Lately I just have been feeling depressed and pessemistic. It could qualify as a trigger. I don't know if I can post them here.

The best way to talk to a therapist is to just be open and honest. You'll probably be embarrassed to tell them things, or think that maybe there's something they don't need to know. Go ahead and talk to them about it anyways - the more you talk to a therapist, the better they will be able to help you. They've talked to dozens of people that are going through the same thing as you, so they aren't going to be surprised by anything you say, and they're not going to judge you for any of it. Feel free to share your poems with your therapist as well, or share them with a friend, or even post a poetry thread on the Arts & Crafts section of the forum if you wish.

[Philemonite]

I have a small but weird problem with a woman...
I've been exchanging e-mails with a woman whom I met thought the Internet. So far it has been somewhat difficult on my part because she seems to ignore about half of my questions. I've asked her about normal things such as her language skills and if she'd like to read my poetry, but most of the time she answers some of my questions and some she ignores. I got upset about this and basically stopped writing to her nothing more than simple generic e-mails, but she noticed that I'm not all right and asked me about it. I told her that she ignores my questions and she simply apologized.

I find it very hard to comprehend how anyone can function like this. What do you think?

Speaking from experience, she might have ADD and she actually forgot to answer some questions.

[Taet]

I think Lissou and Asteron Questar have better ideas for what happened.

I do not want to answer this question.

Aww

But you see how hard it is to say No I do not want to answer this question and still have it sound bad? It is easier to say nothing at all.

[Karoht]

I've been thinking. I kind of want to start dating just because (I don't really know how to express why). But I have only been on one date. I don't really know how to ask someone out. I can kind of guess. But what is the ettiquete in choosing someone to ask out for a date or lunch. I have a few people who I am interested in but I am uncertan how to approach them and until now I have only interacted with one of them heavily. The other I am slightly interested in I met on the bus once and wish to talk to her more. (I am afraid) And even worse I don't really know how dating works. What expectations are typical or how to make time in my schedule to spend time with someone else. (I am afraid) I don't know what to expect. I don't know anything. (I am afraid)

"You seem really interesting and I would like to get to know you better. There's a sandwich shop just over on the corner there and they make a really awesome reuben..."
Be casual, be confident, don't make it sound like a major commitment. Your goal is to ask this person out on a date without making it sound like a date, if possible. Once you've been on a few outings together and are a bit more comfortable, move up a notch or two. Dinner, movie, some sort of event or show, etc.
Another option is the "you're welcome to join me" angle. Basically, you tell the person that you often [insert thing] at [insert time and location] and they are more than welcome to join you.
"I go for lunch almost all the time at that noodle place on 11th, there is a great view of the park and they have a terrific lunch special. Feel free to come have lunch with me some time." If she sounds disinterested, it's a miss. If she asks for more details, she's interested. Don't panic, don't make it sound like a major commitment, give her more absolute details like "Well, I know I'll be there on tuesday because I'm heading over to the park to sketch some geese, weather is sounding pretty good. So yeah, tuesday, I'll be there around 11:30 or so."

Also any advice on how to talk to a therapist. I have been feeling depressed lately and want to see one. But I am reliant on my family to see a therapist and I don't want to talk to them about my problems. I wish I wasn't trapped at home. I wish I wasn't trapped at home.

There are toll free help lines, you can talk with them, they can also point you to some free councelling if there is any in your area. School guidance councellor works. Remember, they have an obligation to be confidential, but ask them up front just to be sure and to make sure you are comfortable with those boundaries. They do have an obligation to escalate the situation (social services, medical doctors, your family, not necessarily in that order) if they think you are likely to hurt yourself or others.

Do you want to talk here about being trapped at home? We're pretty good listeners.

[Grytorm]

Do you want to talk here about being trapped at home? We're pretty good listeners.

The feeling trapped at home comment is a bit of an exageration most of the time. Really living at home reinforces most of my fears and worries about the future and myself. First I live out in the country. It takes a few minutes to reach a neighbors house. Secondly I do not drive yet so most of my interactions rely on my parents to get me where I need to go and to get home. Third I feel very immature and irresponsible and I worry about ever living independently. I am very afraid of never really moving out and being reliant on my family for the rest of my life. It would be horrible. Fourth because of my loneliness combined with a certain amount of fear of talking with my parents it feels in some ways that I will not be able to ever get out of the house and spend time with other people.

I also realized something terrible today. Summer is almost here. If I don't do something I really will be alone for two or three months. I want to see people who call me friends throughout the Summer. But I won't will I. I never do. I just feel so distant from everyone. At least I am only really feeling depressed about being lonely right now. I don't know how I would deal with very low self esteem at the same time. I still have a somewhat low self esteem right now but it isn't bothering me as much.

Okay on the romantic side. The second person who I was considering asking out eventually probably would say no. She is still in High School and is probably dating someone I saw her with today. They were acting flirtatious. And I am certain now I am projecting potential romantic interest on people. Considering new people whenever anyone I was previously considering becomes an unlikely prospect.

[Karoht]

The feeling trapped at home comment is a bit of an exageration most of the time. Really living at home reinforces most of my fears and worries about the future and myself. First I live out in the country. It takes a few minutes to reach a neighbors house. Secondly I do not drive yet so most of my interactions rely on my parents to get me where I need to go and to get home. Third I feel very immature and irresponsible and I worry about ever living independently. I am very afraid of never really moving out and being reliant on my family for the rest of my life. It would be horrible. Fourth because of my loneliness combined with a certain amount of fear of talking with my parents it feels in some ways that I will not be able to ever get out of the house and spend time with other people.

Fear of talking with your parents? That doesn't sound fun. I had similar reservations about discussing anything with my mother, more because she didn't listen (or as I found out later, didn't have the capacity to listen/empathize), less out of any fear.
If you wanted something to do for a summer where you could get out and socialize and maybe be away from the country for a while, I fully recommend working on a Cruise ship for a summer, if you are of proper legal age to do so. My brother did it for two summers, he had a wonderful time, it was a very beneficial experience for him. YMMV.

I also realized something terrible today. Summer is almost here. If I don't do something I really will be alone for two or three months. I want to see people who call me friends throughout the Summer. But I won't will I. I never do. I just feel so distant from everyone. At least I am only really feeling depressed about being lonely right now. I don't know how I would deal with very low self esteem at the same time. I still have a somewhat low self esteem right now but it isn't bothering me as much.

Give some thought to the above suggestion, or perhaps an internship? I can't really suggest any other ways to get yourself out of the house if you're isolated. It's not a good feeling either. For two summers in a row, prior to me leaving my parents house perminently, I didn't leave the house unless it was part of a shopping trip for groceries. This was mostly due to my mother actively trying to keep me in the house, and partly because I had to look after my brother. It was very odd being isolated from everyone you know for 2-3 months. Come to think of it, that probably has a lot to do with why most of my friends and I grew apart that following school year.
Yeah, not a fun time in my life. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through something similar.

Okay on the romantic side. The second person who I was considering asking out eventually probably would say no. She is still in High School and is probably dating someone I saw her with today. They were acting flirtatious. And I am certain now I am projecting potential romantic interest on people. Considering new people whenever anyone I was previously considering becomes an unlikely prospect.

Just keep your eyes open. Don't hunt, never hunt, let them come to you. Like I said, be casual about it.

[Grytorm]

Fear of talking with your parents? That doesn't sound fun. I had similar reservations about discussing anything with my mother, more because she didn't listen (or as I found out later, didn't have the capacity to listen/empathize), less out of any fear.
If you wanted something to do for a summer where you could get out and socialize and maybe be away from the country for a while, I fully recommend working on a Cruise ship for a summer, if you are of proper legal age to do so. My brother did it for two summers, he had a wonderful time, it was a very beneficial experience for him. YMMV.

Give some thought to the above suggestion, or perhaps an internship? I can't really suggest any other ways to get yourself out of the house if you're isolated. It's not a good feeling either. For two summers in a row, prior to me leaving my parents house perminently, I didn't leave the house unless it was part of a shopping trip for groceries. This was mostly due to my mother actively trying to keep me in the house, and partly because I had to look after my brother. It was very odd being isolated from everyone you know for 2-3 months. Come to think of it, that probably has a lot to do with why most of my friends and I grew apart that following school year.
Yeah, not a fun time in my life. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through something similar.

Fear isn't the best word. I just don't really want to talk to them about depression. Which is probably a terrible idea. The cruise ship idea is surprisingly good, would I need to be 21 to do that?

Just keep your eyes open. Don't hunt, never hunt, let them come to you. Like I said, be casual about it.

Why would they do that? People don't seem to come up to me and say hello that often. Part of it is that I spend a lot of time in on the computer which I will try to do differently now. But to talk to people it feels like Ihave to work to join the conversation and I have a hard time staying on topic.

[Jon_Dahl]

Well, maybe not answering my questions is not that rude after all. I guess I will just continue asking her small questions from time to time and letting her randomly pick the ones she wants to answer.

I just really wanted her to answer my question about languages... We are writing in Portuguese and my Portuguese is intermediate. I have asked her about her language skills TWICE now, and she ignores the question. If I could write in English, I could "patch up" my e-mails with a few words of English.

[Themrys]

Well, maybe not answering my questions is not that rude after all. I guess I will just continue asking her small questions from time to time and letting her randomly pick the ones she wants to answer.

I just really wanted her to answer my question about languages... We are writing in Portuguese and my Portuguese is intermediate. I have asked her about her language skills TWICE now, and she ignores the question. If I could write in English, I could "patch up" my e-mails with a few words of English.

My guess would be that she only speaks Portuguese and finds it embarassing to admit that. She could have just not noticed the question or thought it important, though. Did you write that you want to know about her language skills because you're not that good at Portuguese, or did you just ask without mentioning why?