Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition II: We all want to be the Majestic 12

[DigoDragon]

Amaya: "I assume you want to know my new stat gains?"
GM: "Nope, I'll totally guess them and be surprised."
Amaya: "Then it looks like I'll be winning."
GM: "I guess -1 on all stats."
Amaya: "And I lose..."

GM: "You find a contact- John Preston."
Amaya: "I should write this down."
GM: "No, you should set it on fire."
Ronnie: "Hello, now you're playing my song!"
Erik: "What song is-"
Ronnie: "Shut up, it's all my song!"

Erik: "Huh, I think I got a location on Forward Motion. They're not local."
Amaya: "Are they within driving distance?"
Erik: "Relative to the continent- Wyoming."
Ronnie: "Wyoming? What country is that?"
Erik & Amaya: "... ..."
Ronnie: "What?"

Amaya: "Okay, so we know the truck was registered 2 years ago."
Ronnie: "Hello, so we set the Wayback Machine back in time 2 years and-"
Amaya: "I have a better idea."

Erik: "I'm resisting the urge."

BGN Millivrey: "Amaya is your name? I'm Brigadier General Millivrey."
Amaya: "Your knuckles spell COBRA. Have you killed a man?"
BGN Millivrey: "We're getting off the subject."

GM: "So you go back to the apartment, I mean hotel room. What do you do?"
Amaya: "Without Nicolette around, I will reenact the famous Tom Cruise scene in just socks, bra, and panties."
Erik: *Hums piano start of Old Time Rock-n-Roll*
Ronnie: "Hello, just take those records off the shelf..."

Amaya: (Drunk) "I like my men like my OPRI cases."
Erik: "???"
Amaya: "Covered in bees!"
Ronnie: "Are you hanging around me too much?"

Jimmy: "Have you heard of project 'Blue Book'?"
Amaya: (Rolls a 1) "You mean the books used on college tests?"

MOAR Quotes:

Spoiler

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Amaya: "Wait. If Pablo is a skeleton then he has no lungs. How is he smoking that cigar?"
Jimmy: "Dunno, but it's lit and he's puffing smoke rings."
Amaya: "That just raises even more questions!"

Amaya: *Casts Change Self and disguises herself as an adult blonde woman*
Ronnie: "Hello, new magic trick."
Amaya: "And it worked. I wonder if I could make this last longer?"
Ronnie: "Hello, that's what she said."

GM: "Okay Amaya, make reflex saves until tomorrow."
Amaya: "One... two... three..."
Dice: *Rolls a 1*
GM: "BOOM! Three..."

GM: "The guy stops for a moment, blinks, then continues on."
Amaya: "What, does my magical aura have a flavor? Rosemary sage with a hint of jail bait?"

GM: "You look behind the desk and notice... uh, porn mags."
Ronnie: *Yoink* "Hello, for medicinal purposes."

GM: "The ore is stacked in layers wrapped in a layer of rice paper... sealed in a block of resin... sealed in a block of depleted uranium... cherry on top... I forgot where I was going with this."

Amaya: "Hey Ronnie, Wanna try out some Invisibility Voodoo?"
Ronnie: "Hello, can't be seen by people? Sure, hit me!"
Amaya: "Okay, here we-"
Suspecious Employee: (Bursts in) "Is everything okay?"
Amaya: (Aborts spell suddenly) "Gah! ...Yeah. Yes, everything is fine."
Employee: *Slowly leaves, eyeing Amaya*
Amaya: "New friend to add to my FaceBook hit list."

Amaya: "Well, I got this." (Holds up ingot of Aluminum)
Erik: "Isn't that stealing?"
Amaya: "My paycheck is signed by the Feds. I call it a seizure."
Ronnie: "Hello, it's like stealing. Don't steal, the government hates competition."

Ronnie: "Hello, expanding to fill all spossible space. This room is mine!"

Amaya: "Hey Ronnie, stop the SUV."
Ronnie: "Hello? Okay, what's up?"
Amaya: "...Chinese fire drill!" (Gets out)
Ronnie: "Hello, I know this one!" (Dives out)
Erik: "Wait, what?"
Amaya: (Gets into the driver's seat)
Ronnie: "Hello, I just got punked, didn't I?"
Amaya: =^_^=
Erik: "Do you even know how to drive, Amaya?"
Amaya: "...Not yet."

Amaya: (Drives SUV with no issues through a rural area) "See, I haven't killed you this time Ronnie."
Ronnie: "Hello, let's not make this into a pet project... Though it could make my life exciting."
Erik: "Uh, can I get a say in this? Seeing as I'm in the car too?"
Ronnie: "Shut up, you're just the brains here. What do you know."

Amaya: "Ok, I park the SUV-"
GM: "You Pachinko the SUV down the mine shaft, off the floors and ceilings, over a bridge, and land it between the lines in the hotel lot."
Ronnie: "Like a glove."

Amaya: "It stands to reason that since this is a pure Aluminum mine, Maritza is making a mint here. I'm sure she didn't afford that fancy car on a teacher's salary."
Maritza: "More like a thousand teacher salaries."
Amaya: "...right. So if someone wants to make Mithril, they have to force Maritza out to make the millions for themselves."
Maritza: (Spinning in her chair) "Already do." :D
Amaya: "I both love and hate that woman."
Maritza: *Falls out of her chair to the floor* "Hmm, I should vacuum under my desk."

Ronnie: "Criminy, so if your workforce is all undead workers, then it's like Day of the Dead everyday."
Amaya: "Every shift is Graveyard shift? ...damn you Ronnie. I've been hanging around you too long."
Ronnie: "Ha ha ha! I'm rubbing off."
Amaya: "Like a bad stench."

[asnys]

Just another fan of Amaya chiming in here. Just out of curiosity, if you don't mind my asking, what's her character build?

[Marnath]

Just another fan of Amaya chiming in here. Just out of curiosity, if you don't mind my asking, what's her character build?

Also, are there character portraits of these people? I'm not good at visualizing things, not that you've described them in text either of course.

[Prince Raven]

Also, are there character portraits of these people? I'm not good at visualizing things, not that you've described them in text either of course.

Spoiler: Something like this

Show

[DigoDragon]

Just out of curiosity, if you don't mind my asking, what's her character build?

Also, are there character portraits of these people?

Spoiler: Something like this

Show

Amaya's build was Smart Hero 3/Mage 3 at this point.
I remember her having as feats: Magical Heritage, Eschew Materials, and Personal Firearms Proficiency.

No character portraits exist from this group, but Prince Raven's image link is pretty much the look Amaya was based on. Hair was black though.

[asnys]

Thank you kindly!

[Apropos]

"I offer the demon guards a bong and hope they get too high to notice us sneaking past."

[Socksy]

"I think I accidentally turned Euclid into some sort of fey abomination."

[SickBritKid]

Me: So in addition to my dire wolf, Harold(my Shield Guardian) was also in the room while I and the ambassador were sharing my bed...watching. He saw everything.

[DigoDragon]

GM: "Ronnie, do you have 'Sense Motive'?"
Ronnie: "No, I'm a good cop."

Amaya: "You might not want to annoy the foreman."
Ronnie: "Ronnie doesn't care who he annoys. Ronnie... is talking in the 3rd person for some reason."

GM: "And Ronnie is defenestrated out his suit's face plate."

GM: "The ceiling starts collapsing."
Amaya: "Running for the exit."
Ronnie: "Hello, run farther in! I'm on to something here."
Amaya: "Sorry, but there's something that prevents me from going forward."
GM: "Childhood trauma?"
Amaya: "Self-preservation."

GM: "Nicolette butt-scoots down the shaft."

Ronnie: "Hello, it's like someone ripped open a garbage bag full of Kate Moss down here."

GM: "Congratulations, you just doubled Jimmy's stomach acid count."
Nicolette: "What, is he popping Tums like Skittles?"
Ronnie: "Hello, order the boss up a pepto milkshake."

GM: "Amaya, Ronnie- You both end up in a pocket of cave."
Amaya: "Uh... do we see the hole we came from?"
GM: "No, pocket of cave."
Ronnie: (Unzips his helmet) "Hmmm..."
Amaya: "Don't do that! Is there breathable air? You don't know!"
Ronnie: (Inhales air) "Hello, seems alright to me."

GM: "Nicolette, you notice Pablo shy away from a strange Holy Symbol drawn on the wall."
Nicolette: "What does it say?"
Alexander: "We Want Jelly Donuts."

GM: "Ronnie, as you sit in the pocket and ponder the situation, you seem to recall reading something on the internet about a type of creature called Knockers."
Ronnie: "Ha ha ha... I was looking up something else when I stumbled upon that, didn't I?"
Amaya: "Gee, I wonder what that could be..."

Ronnie: *Pulls out a sandwich, takes a few bites, then tosses the rest*
Amaya: "We failed to find what was causing the equipment failure and now we're trapped underground, but it's okay! Ronnie had Subway for lunch."
Ronnie: "It was Quiznos, get it right."
Amaya: "Like it makes a difference?"
GM: "You both are suddenly teleported back outside the mine entrance next to the bomb squad robot."
Amaya: "Wat."
Ronnie: "You were saying?" (Victory Pose)

Amaya: "My life was saved by a torpedo sandwich."

Ronnie: "Was that ever linked together?"
GM: "What, that sombreros came from France?"

Maritza: "I don't suppose for the remainder of the meeting we could gag Ronnie?"
Nicolette: "Can Do!"
Erik: *Pulls out a roll of duct tape*
Ronnie: "We're unhello now."

[eulmanis12]

All from the same game

Keeping my off hand on my flintlock, I coldcock the Jazz Musician.

the entire group. LEEEEP-REEEE-KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

This here whatsit, Tommy Gun? I think you called it. It look's to be a fine rifle, but where's the ramrod?

So Julius Caesar was just trampled by my AT-AT, what am I supposed to do now.

I bake a birthday cake with roman candles

Our Leader: here's the report, Battle Brother Marcus is swordfighting with a Centurion, Captain Black Jack O'Malley's piloting the F 86, Avatar Yoshi is holding off the baron's Clanks with a wall of fire, that just leaves Runs With Grizzleys to reprogram HAL.
Our Boss: So the mission is about to fail then?
Our Leader: No Sir! Everything is going according to plan.

WHERE DID SUN TZU GET A PANZERKAMFWAGON MARK IV!!?

[Unscrewed]

From my old Genius: The Transgression game.

Alvin: I tell Vatman to push the cops, then run off!

Storyteller: Umlaut, as you roll up, you can see that miserable hobo's sub-hobo servant in cuffs, two cops, one bored-looking EMT, and squatting in the shadow of a building across from where the action is, a peculiar black silhouette. What are you doing?

Alvin: DMPA is Defense Materials Procurement Agency, right?
Storyteller: Close: "Defense Medical Programs Activity." Which means you've triggered a bioterrorism alert.
Alvin: HELLS YEAH!

Dr. Umlaut: You're so predjudiced. Just because I'm a nazi, I must be a war criminal!

Alvin: No social skills? Who was it that took over the crime scene?
Kyle:: Da hobo.
Alvin: Exact- HEY!

[Kid Jake]

More from my Pathfinder group.

PC1: "In return for my services, I want you and your beasts TOTAL obedience when I call upon you. I want you at my beck and call at a moment's notice from now until I release you!."
Unicorn: "Hrm...do us this service manflesh and the next time you seek us out, we will speak with you instead of walking further into the forest until you go away."
PC1: "I'll take it!"

Unicorn: "The creatures of the lake are weak and ignorant. They are of no threat."
PC1: "The creatures in the lake keep kidnapping our people and eating them."
Unicorn: "Oh, we meant that the creatures of the lake are of no threat...to us."

PC1: "Your guard attempted to extort me for admittance, what kind of place are you running here?"
Dwarven Merchant Guild Leader: "My apologies." *rings a bell* "The man outside is an imbecile of no further use to us. Have him beaten, sodomized and thrown into the lake. If he ever sets foot in town again, cut off his feet and do it again."
PC1: "Dear gods, all that because of a little extortion?"
DMGL: "No, because he let you in. Now, you have until my guard is replaced to tell me what you want."

PC1: "I challenge the DMGL to a duel!"
Me: "Very well, him and his garrison of soldiers accepts."
PC1: "No, wait...I've decided that duels are uncivilized."

PC2: "Alright, here's your gold. Now how do I know that he's alive?"
Bandit: "You don't! Now give me the gold and go away!"

*PC2 opens up a bag with PC1's severed head inside it, the shiny new badge that represents his place as the new sheriff stuffed into his own mouth*
PC2: "Well this is probably going to set us back."

PC1: "I'm just interested in which afterlife I got into."
Me: "The bad one."
PC1: "Which bad one?"
Me: "The worst one."
PC1: "Oh..."

PC1(new character): "Oh, I know of you and your evil deeds."
PC2: "And?"
PC1: "...what?"
PC2: "You know of my evil deeds and...? Just because you know about them doesn't mean I'm going to stop. I've got quite a few more evil deeds that I still plan on doing. Several before the day's up in fact. Are you going to stop me?"
PC1: "Well...no. Probably not...."

[Cowardly Griffo]

GM: Roll... let's call it Int+Stealth to see if you remembered to put your phone on silent before breaking into an active crime scene.

[Sartharina]

-snip-

What system are you running? It sounds awesome!

[Alex12]

DM: It's those three goblins from the sewers, Mork, Mindy, and...shoot, what was the third one?
Me: The Great Gazoo?
DM: Yeah, him! They're busily disassembling the clockwork.

DM: He yells "INTRUDERS!" and draws his...nothing, at which point he realizes he doesn't have a weapon.

PC 1: I use Branding Pattern and Disrupting Pattern. *Rolls* Both hit. I deal...*Rolls a 1 and a 2* 17 damage.
DM: What the...How does that roll get you 17 damage at this level? The boss guy explodes in a burst of whatever kind of energy you're using, I still haven't really figured that out yet.
Me: And you were worried about me optimizing and breaking the game.

PC 2: Are you reconsidering your stance on pacifism as this fight continues?

Me: So hearing the scream of my ally, I push the cloud into the building until I encounter his unconscious and bleeding form.

DM: Okay, you guys gain 2 Fame Points.
PC 1: Probably mostly me. I took down like six of them.
DM: Yeah, but he's already kinda famous. I mean, he's even friendly with two different orders of Hellknights.

[Cowardly Griffo]

PC 1: I use Branding Pattern and Disrupting Pattern. *Rolls* Both hit. I deal...*Rolls a 1 and a 2* 17 damage.
DM: What the...How does that roll get you 17 damage at this level? The boss guy explodes in a burst of whatever kind of energy you're using, I still haven't really figured that out yet.
Me: And you were worried about me optimizing and breaking the game.

Well, sounds like somebody had an extra scoop of "misreading your class abilities" in their Wheaties that morning.

(It's Int modifier, not Int score. Unless they somehow actually had 38 Intelligence at the time. I hope you guys caught that. )

[FidgetySquirrel]

I've posted this before in other threads, but it just amuses me so much.

DM: ...blah-blah... something about the guards being mages in gold robes with a scarlet trim... blah-blah

*fast forward a little while*

DM: Tycho, you see a shady-looking fellow go down an alley.

Tycho: I'll follow him and try not to get noticed.

DM: Roll stealth. *rolls* Okay, he doesn't turn around or anything and you follow him around the corner. You reach a dead end. Roll spot. *rolls* You see no trace of the guy.

Tycho: I'll take 20 on a search check.

DM: All right, after a few minutes you hear someone behind you ask in a concerned sounding voice 'What are you doing?'

Tycho: I turn around.

DM: You see a young man in gold robes with a scarlet trim. 'Is everything all right?' he says.

Tycho: I WANT TO JOIN THE BLACKHAWKS! (which would be an assassin's guild, by the way)

DM: Oh you do, do ya? All right, come with me.

Tycho then found himself escorted right to a prison cell. He had 18 INT and 14 WIS. Playing to your character's strengths at it's finest!

[bulbaquil]

P2: "I retrieve it."
GM: "You retrieve his s***."
P2: "No, I retrieve mine!"
GM: "You retrieve your s***."

P4: "[My character's] contemplating destroying the cosmos!"
P2: "...That's not a very Lawful Good act."

P3: "Does he have a 'fro?"
P2: "He's seven!"

P1: "So he's evil? How is he not going to kill us?"
P2: "Just because you're evil doesn't mean you have to kill everyone you come across."
GM: "Hello, two evil NPCs who are following the party."

[Cowardly Griffo]

Connor: It's a hybrid car.
Malachi: Oh... so it's half car, and half what?

GM: So what's your lair look like, Dana?
Dana: It's your standard upscale haunted slum area.

GM: Yes, they shut the lights off in the school during the summer. City can't afford to keep it lit 24/7.
Malachi: No no, it's cool, it's a hybrid school.

Dana: The moon's out and I still don't have any fur. Do you have any idea what that's like?
Malachi: I can relate. Believe me, I'd much rather be at home, in my bubble bath, watching a crappy sci-fi movie.
Alpha Wererat: Freakin' one-percenter.
Malachi: Bubble bath costs 98 cents. Per gallon.
Alpha Wererat: Whatever. I've got like three more dumpsters to go through.

[DigoDragon]

Amaya: "You can make money on the subsidies by growing corn."
Nicolette: "Some people are allergic to coin."
Amaya: "Growing coin? Is this a new cash crop?"

Alexander: *Eats some chips; suddenly coughs, chokes, and smokes*
Nicolette: "Ah, here's the problem- Jalapeno chips."
Alexander: "It's... spicy... so the cleric is walking by... breathing fire..."
Nicolette: "Father Lord Sauron?"
Amaya: "He's been reading the Hobbit again, hasn't he?"

Ronnie: "Hello, his real name is Michael, but we called him Waldo because we could never find him."

GM: "'Cause you can't fish in water."

Amaya: "Anyone know a pizza place that delivers out here?"
Two-year old, OOC: "Cook!" (Sounded like the alternate word for 'rooster' to some)
Table: *Breaks down into laughter*

Alexander: "I cast Keel Minor Wounds... wait."
Nicolette: "Congrats, you've weaponized the Russian accent."

Nicolette: "Secondly, I call the IRS. The IRS can pull an audit on any one, anytime, anywhere, for anything."
Ronnie: "Sun's up- AUDIT!"

Ronnie: "Welcome to Funky Town, population- Hello!"

GM: "I don't like those kinds of parties. I wake up bleeding and in a skirt."
Nicolette: "Oh, you were at that tupperwear party too?"

Erik: "Why do you have hairy fishermen in your pants?"
Ronnie: "Hello, Sailors dude, sailors! Underpants Navy! Work with the metaphor here."
Alexander: "What did I miss and why do I not want to know?"

Amaya: "That was the strangest 30 bucks I ever spent."

Nicolette: "We're looking for Frank."
Supervisor: "We haven't seen Frank come in today."
Ronnie: "Frank hasn't appeared to give a damn. Haha, word play."

Nicolette: "Maritza, would you like to join the team as a consultant?"
Amaya: "There goes my job security."
Maritza: "Silly, but you are out in the field and not stuck running a multi-billion-dollar company making millions. I'm just too good for you."
Ronnie: "Hello, are you single?"

[Kish]

Alexander: *Eats some chips; suddenly coughs, chokes, and smokes*
Nicolette: "Ah, here's the problem- Jalapeno chips."
Alexander: "It's... spicy... so the cleric is walking by... breathing fire..."
Nicolette: "Father Lord Sauron?"
Amaya: "He's been reading the Hobbit again, hasn't he?"

Don't be silly; Sauron's not a character in the Hobbit. That would have been Father Smaug.

[Sith_Happens]

Connor: It's a hybrid car.
Malachi: Oh... so it's half car, and half what?

I am so using this joke in real life.

[GorinichSerpant]

Table: *Breaks down into laughter*

I am going to interpret this literally and assume you play on a sentient table until proven otherwise.

[Socksy]

I am going to interpret this literally and assume you play on a sentient table until proven otherwise.

You just made me laugh so hard I almost woke up my family

[ZeroGear]

"I wish to bite whoever those are."

[PC1]: "Urge to bite rising..."
[PC2]: "Urge to eat souls rising..."

"Oh no they've caged the hulk."

"Make a fortitude save to eat food. DC 6. The DC is higher against taco bell."

"You make the fire with your goat horns."

"Do I know what Portals smell like?"

[DM]: "I assume you don't want to attract the cyclops's ire."
[PC3]: "Ha! Eye-er."

"I step forward and channel energy! Ba-ba-baaaaaaa!"

"You definetely can't self apply the head of Vecna."

[PC1]: "I think being a ram gives penalties to intimidate."
[DM]: "Yeah, the goat doesn't successfully scare the cyclops."

"I'm a soul-ologist, not a natureologist."

"I try to smell not like a dog."

"I follow the bleeding eyed goat through the dog."

"The mage killed something on a charge."

"Do I age when I'm dead?"

"It's hard to carry and use money as a dog."

"Aw man, we would have saved your life! if you weren't immortal."

"I was about to argue semantics about whether we were arguing semantics."

"I am forbidden by the gods themselves to awaken Murder Princess."

[DigoDragon]

I am going to interpret this literally and assume you play on a sentient table until proven otherwise.

LOL

I can't remember what became of that table.

"Do I know what Portals smell like?"

Like Science?

[Cristo Meyers]

"Do I know what Portals smell like?"

Like Science?

Like Victory.

This was a truimph...

[DigoDragon]

GM: "So how long did you expect to hang around and see if your food plan works?"
Amaya: "A day or two at the most."
Alexander: "More importantly, the workers are undead. Those bodies must have come from somewhere."
Ronnie: "They came from nowhere."
Amaya: "So they're nobodies?"

GM: "Welcome to Brigadier Cardinal First Class."

Ronnie: "My last awesome character was 'Captain Default'."
GM: "So you were Todd?"
Ronnie: "Hello, Todd only defaulted on skills he didn't have."
Amaya: "And what, you default on skills you do have?"

Alexander: "I knew a guy who lived in Nagasaki. He went on a business trip to Hiroshima, got nuked, survived, came back home to Nagasaki, and got nuked again."
GM: "What is this?"
Ronnie: "Bad luck in World War One... Two... Seven..."

Alexander: "I pull out my cell phone with a picture of my holy symbol on it. I yell Back, Foul Demon!"

Alexander: "I'm curious on how Maritza is going to return the bodies."
Ronnie: "Hello, she probably kept the receipt."

Amaya: "I spend my time at the hotel, making healing potions."
Alexander: "Don't you need 'Craft (Chemical)' to make potions?"
Amaya: "I have that skill, and it is high enough that I can improvise with the hotel room's sink and a bottle of vodka."
GM: "I am totally allowing this."
Alexander: "Vodka? that's the best kind of healing potion."
Nicolette: "I love magic."

GM: "Looks like a meth lab, smells like a vodka."

Amaya: "I'm surprised no one has thought of alcoholic flavored healing potions yet."
Ronnie: "Hello, you're going to make a mint off this idea!"
Amaya: "In two years I could be a wealthy businesswoman."
Ronnie: "And legal."
Amaya: "..."
Ronnie: "Too soon?"

Ronnie: "Hello, I'm giving up Pablo for Rent."
GM: "What was that? You give him up for Rent?"
Ronnie: "Hello, whatever pays the bills." (Picks up Pablo) "Do you take a check?"

Alexander: "I have my badge out."
Amaya: "I stay to the side. A badge won't do diddly in this stampede."
Alexander: "Well, I wait until the crowd passes."
Amaya: "Then what? You going to open fire with that badge?"

Alexander: "I shall anoint thy feet with lead."
GM: "???"
Alexander: "Well how else do I... defeat them?"
Ronnie: "That's not an easy feat."
GM: "Ugh. Bad puns."
Nicolette: "Lead with your best foot forward?"
GM: (Beating his own head against the table)

Nicolette: "Does any spell have a modifier of 'Please'?"

GM: "Does Ronnie follow Amaya?"
Ronnie: "Ronnie is inexplicably intoxicated."
Amaya: "Do you get high off the fumes of battle?"
Nicolette: "Or the diesel engines of the Metro?"

Nicolette: "There is no such thing in any realm called Healing Malice."

[SickBritKid]

"You now possess a giant condom of black goop."