Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition II: We all want to be the Majestic 12

[DigoDragon]

GM: "When I come back, I should have horrible EXP figures for you."
Nicolette: "Will I level up?"
GM: "You all level down. Except for Amaya who levels left; her 3 levels of Smart Hero become 3 levels of Strong Hero."
Nicolette: "Does she turn big and green like a striped zebra?"
Amaya: "Like a what?"

Amaya: "Mmm... this dip is fruity. Spicy, but fruity."
Nicolette: "Just like our coworkers back at the office."

Nicolette: "I need 249 hit points to achieve what I want to do."
GM: "What, sit on a grenade?"

Amaya: "Okay, we're in the drugstore. Now what?"
Nicolette: "The song says we're on our 15th bender."
Amaya: "What's a bender?"
Nicolette: "A drunk person."
Amaya: "Okay, so we're looking for 15 winos?"
Nicolette: "I'll go reound up the store employees."

Nicolette: "I take a wiff of the bottle."
GM: "Strong absinthe."
Ronnie: "Hello, a bender is getting yourself sloshed drunk. Have at."
Nicolette: *Takes a sip*
GM: "Roll a Fort save."
Nicolette: *Rolls a 1, passes out in an alcohol coma*
Party: "..."
Amaya: "...so, who's next?"

GM: "Okay, so everyone sits around drinking water, taking Alkaseltzer, and belching. This is the most awesome moment in OPRI."

Nicolette: "I'm going to make molotov cocktails of this stuff."
Amaya: "But we haven't made the 15 benders yet."
Nicolette: "Do you want to be passed out on the floor again?"
Amaya: "I'll take the internal flaming hell of drunk visions and brimestone over the damn music that's been belching out of the P.A." (Takes a swig of the Absinthe, pukes, and falls into fetal position coughing up blood and alcohol)

Nicolette: "These stores we are seeing... they're all old and no longer in existance in our dimension."
Amaya: "So these places existed back during your time on the Mayflower?"
Nicolette: "I'll knock you back to colonial times so you can find out."
Amaya: "A witch in colonial New England? Yeah, that's safe."

Nicolette: *Throws a molotov cocktail at the enemy she's fighting*
Enemy: *Easily dodges*
Molotov: *Hits the back wall and ignites the store*
Amaya: "What, did you think we didn't have a big enough challenge?!"

GM: "Jimmy takes 17 damage to the nuts."
Pokedex: "Enemy uses Nut-Buster Kick. It's super effective! Jimmy has fainted."

Nicolette: "Everybody was king-fu fighting like Charlie Chaplin!"

Ronnie: "Hello, what are we doing in this thing?"
Amaya: "It's a confessional. You got any sins?"
Ronnie: "Probably."
Alexander: "Well sins will depend on the religion. Many interpretations could be possible depending on the sect we're using here."
Amaya: "Well, most religions seem to hate witches-"
Nicolete: "STONE THE HEATHEN!"

Cassie: "You have a tentative go, just ask for the particulars before you run amuck. Anyone who owns one knows mucks tire easily and should only be walked."
Amaya: "I usually just let mine sit at home. You know, muck ado about nothing."

[Sith_Happens]

Must not rage at a player I don't know...oh god the memories are surfacing! MAIMKILLBURN! Kill the wielder of the deck of many things!

Seeing this quoted by someone else first actually reminded me that we did find a Deck of Many Things in our other campaign. Thankfully we sold it to a nearby Elemental Weird for more questions before anyone got any bright ideas about using it.

[Cazero]

Five astronauts, back from a mission around alpha centaury, with a century of hypersleep involved for the travel.
We end up discovering an abandonned earth. Nobody in sight anywhere, everything old and in ruins.
Stumbling in a military camp, what seems like the commanding officer's office have a portrait of one of our crew in it.
As the security officer of the mission, I use my advantage of being the only one here with a gun to hold said crewman at gunpoint and say : "Strip."

[Mr.Sandman]

Five astronauts, back from a mission around alpha centaury, with a century of hypersleep involved for the travel.
We end up discovering an abandonned earth. Nobody in sight anywhere, everything old and in ruins.
Stumbling in a military camp, what seems like the commanding officer's office have a portrait of one of our crew in it.
As the security officer of the mission, I use my advantage of being the only one here with a gun to hold said crewman at gunpoint and say : "Strip."

Context! it burns, it burns us!

[DigoDragon]

Amaya: "I'm looking for the following books; Street Magic, Unwired, and-"
GM: "Prostitution!"
Amaya: "...Augmentation."
Alexander: "Same diff."

GM: "And it's a departure from their usual stuff. Amaya, you love disco, right?"
Amaya: (Deadpan) "With all my heart."

GM: "Let's see if anyone can make an intelligence check."
Nicolette: *Starts drooling like an idiot*
GM: "Could you at least roll first?"
Nicolette: *Rolls a 1. Continues to drool like an idiot*

GM: "Alexander, a Putty Man is in front of you. What do you do?"
Alexander: "I let him have it with my taser!"
GM: "Do you grab him first?"
Alexander: "No, then he would be 'putty in my hands'."

GM: "Come on Nicolette, time for the 'Supar' Beatings!"
Nicolette: *Rolls a 1*
GM: "Supar, not Sub-par!"

GM: "The car is a Mitsubishi Lancer."
Amaya: "Not a bad car I guess. I think I made out in the back of one once."
Alexander: "Too much info there, girl!"
Ronnie: "Hello, I could stand hearing a little more."

Ronnie: "It's quiet."
Amaya: "Too quiet."
Alexander: "You rather it be four quiet?"
Ronnie: "Hello, I have no idea what you're even trying to tell me."

Large Boss: "Gwwwaaarrr!!"
Ronnie: "Hold it together Ronnie, it's just a two-ton Chum-Chum."
Amaya: "It looks like a giant Captain Caveman..."
Large Boss: "Gwwwaaarrr!!"
Amaya: "...in a tiny business suit."

Alexander: "I send my bat Barbastella to deliver my Healing Touch spell to Ronnie."
GM: "Ronnie fades out before the bat reaches him."
Barbastella: "Skree skree!"
Alexander: "Disappeared? What do you mean he disappeared?! Impossible! No PC that small has a cloaking device!"

Alexander: *Tasers the giant boss, stunning it helpless*
Ronnie: "We have ourselves a helpless giant!"
Amaya: "I'm picking up its giant club."
Alexander: "Aww, that was my idea."
Amaya: "I'll give you the credit."
GM: "So you pick up the club because the cleric told you too?"
Alexander: "Can she even lift that giant weapon?"
Amaya: "I'm angry enough to go Super Sayan, I'm a lifting this thing on the power of hatred!"

GM: "So Amaya cracks the boss' head open with a tree. doing... 26 damage to its remaining 23 hit points."
Alexander: "Yikes, don't piss off the goth girl."
Amaya: "Rawr... but the real hero is you and that damn taser from hell."
Alexander: "It's my electric sleep spell. I wonder if it makes the giant dream of electric sleep?"
Nicolette: "Not with its head cracked open."
Amaya: "...awww, no candy inside."

Jenova: "There's never candy when they crack them open."
Amaya: "There's brain meats, but you have to cook and saute' those."

[Cazero]

Context! it burns, it burns us!

Too much context? Or should I have just posted "Strip." like that?

[Sith_Happens]

Too much context? Or should I have just posted "Strip." like that?

Very yes.

----------

"The fourth wall provides total cover."

DM: "She takes you into the bathroom and blows your mind."
PC 1: "...Through my ****?"
PC 2: "You know that cartoon trick where they inflate themselves through their thumb? Kind of like that."

"What is the purpose of this party again? To save the universe, or just annoy [the Ranger]?"
"Yes."

[ZeroGear]

"Let's avoid characters mounting each other."

"Oh they have short people also?"

"I move there because I'm worried about a pincer attack." (fighting a scorpion)

"I know what I must do: I must fight the rust monster with my bare hands."

"I'm going to picking out pieces of ettin flail for weeks."

"Do you think magic has a distinct taste?"

[PC2]: "I want to buy some of that."
[DM]: "It's 500gp per bottle."
[PC2]: "I don't want to buy some of that."

"Woo! I noticed something!"

"I turn around and bow that guy!"

"That is my plan for tomorrow, don't get bit by a dire wolf."

"I will troll this enemy until it dies."

"I hope this isn't the beginning of the rend."

"Murder princess, are you hungry?"

[DM]: "He's under the effect of a magic jar!"
[PC3]: "I open the door and then destroy it, 2 points to whoever figures out the joke first!"

"That looks like treasure, don't attack it!" (A character)

[PC3]: "Guys, don't worry, we're not bears!"
[PC2]: "What?"
[PC3]: "Oh, there are bear traps on the ground."

"We can rest in the beartrap room, that seemed safe!"

"Here is an arrow, stab me with it. Not in the face!"

"You wake up and look over at me, and I'm there with my helmet off and Nick's just a black statue of ash."

[PC3]: "I will adjust, glaive!"
[PC2]: "I will adjust your face!"

"He's bully, not bossy." (talking about a minotaur demon).

[DM]: "Elves are not secret door detectors!"
[PC's]: "YES THEY ARE!"

[DM]: "You're putting all your eggs in one basket.
[PC2]: "The basket is my life!"

[Sith_Happens]

DM: "You are now cradled on the ground on the other side of [other PC] from your ****."

"...So I'm going to be over here away from your backstory."

DM: "The first person you see is the same maid who jumped out the window."
PC: "I attempt to stab her with my severed ****."
*rolls*
PC: "...I just did eight damage."

"I said 'Raptor Jesus' first."

"You're not very pretty for a woman, John."

[Multiple times:]
DM: "[Dwarf Barbarian], what are you while [other party members doing things]?"
Dwarf Player: "Probably drinking."

[SickBritKid]

DM: "You are now cradled on the ground on the other side of [other PC] from your ****."

"...So I'm going to be over here away from your backstory."

DM: "The first person you see is the same maid who jumped out the window."
PC: "I attempt to stab her with my severed ****."
*rolls*
PC: "...I just did eight damage."

"I said 'Raptor Jesus' first."

"You're not very pretty for a woman, John."

[Multiple times:]
DM: "[Dwarf Barbarian], what are you while [other party members doing things]?"
Dwarf Player: "Probably drinking."

Few quotes to add on to that one, buddy:

Me: John, I think we can officially call this campaign FATAL-esque.
John(Dwarf Barbarian's player): I quit.
Me: Me, too.
(Both me and John pretend to walk out on the campaign)

Zach: So I'm in a Hostel?
Me: Yes, as in a free hotel. NOT the series of movies by Eli Roth!

[Strigon]

(First game of D&D, also first post on this forum)

"Congratulations! You've crafted a watermelon helmet that subtracts 4 from your AC!"

[Prince Raven]

(First game of D&D, also first post on this forum)

"Congratulations! You've crafted a watermelon helmet that subtracts 4 from your AC!"

In AD&D that melon-helmet would be awesome.

[Stake A Vamp]

GM (me): okay guys, what are your characters?
Player 1: I'm Batman!
Player 2: I'm Batman!
Player 3: I'm Batman!
Player 4: I'm Batman!
Player 5: I'm Batman!
GM: We're playing apocalypse world.
Player 3: I know.
player 1: It's not like our dad made the game or anything.
GM: okay, what playbooks are you using?
Player 1: the Savyhead
Player 2: The Operator
Player 3: the Gunlugger
Player 4: the Faceless
Player 5: the Chopper
GM: oh god.

[TheJudicator]

Sorceror: "We are here to seek a cure for our dwarf friend here after an encounter with a particularly nasty snake hair lady..."
Rogue: "Correct. You could say he is straight up stoned right now..."
Magus: "Oh come now, you shouldn't take the dwarf's feelings for granite.."
Bard: "Indeed! If anything, the situation has made him boulder!"
Druid: "Perhaps if we explained it better, it would peak this man's interests?"
Alchemist: "Well, it would certainly beat graveling!"
DM: "Nah, I'm sure these hints won by a landslide."
Dwarf (OOC): "I HATE YOU ALL!"

[Milodiah]

PC1: "So, what you're telling me is that we'll need some more experience under our belts."
DM (me): "You guys would all die, I'll just tell you that now."
PC1: "Where's the red-light district in this town?"
DM: "...no. You can't hire hookers and then kill them for the XP."
PC1: "Damn."

[DigoDragon]

Dwarf (OOC): "I HATE YOU ALL!"

If I were the GM, I'd give everyone bonus Exp. Well, after I picked myself off the floor from laughter.

[ZeroGear]

If I were the GM, I'd give everyone bonus Exp. Well, after I picked myself off the floor from laughter.

Especially for giving him such a hard time. :)

[Sith_Happens]

Few quotes to add on to that one, buddy:

If we're calling each other out for missing quotes, then how about this one from before you arrived ():

"It's too bad that Invisible Stalker fight didn't last to my second turn, I was going to switch on Inspire Greatness by changing up the lyrics to 'What Do We Do with a Drunken Sailor.'

[Beat]

What do we do with a horny Ranger
What do we do with a horny Ranger
What do we do with a horny Ranger
Early in the morning!

Make him fight a monster
Make him fight a monster
Make him fight a monster
Early in the morning!

Catch him tired and naked
Catch him tired and naked
Catch him tired and naked
EARLY IN THE MORNING!"



...Matter of fact, I did just remember some other choice exchanges as well:

Fighter: "I Kiai Shout, not remembering that it won't work in [Barbarian PC]."
DM: *rolls* "The Elvish Ambassador runs screaming naked out of [Ranger]'s room in a blind panic."
Ranger: "I grumble to myself and start to get dressed."
Bard: *high enough Listen check to know exactly what's going on* "I immediately start after her."
[One brief chase scene later]
Bard: "I Silent Image a Wall of Fire to cut her off."
DM: "She speaks a command word and vanishes. She is now naked in the middle of a busy street."
Bard Player: "Yay for making things worse! Also, the panic should be wearing off right about now."

Bard: "I ask anyone if they've seen [Ranger] downstairs yet today."
DM: "No one has."
Bard: "I head up to his room."
DM: "You find him still in there, drinking with the Dwarf."
Bard [to Ranger]: "I highly suggest you pretend to have been searching for your girlfriend."

----------

Now, in the interests of courtesy the characters in the above quotes will remain unattributed to any particular... Oh, wait:

Me: So next session, I'm gonna have [my ranger] marry- I mean murder [the dwarf character]!

[Chain-yanking intensifies]

[Erik Vale]

@ Hard Pun: No... Just no... You should be stoned for that pun.

DM: And [the ranger] slips from the boarding harpoon's rope, is kicked off the rouges legs and falls through the air, through the clouds, freezing to death... And at some point later, shattering as he impacts the ground.
Ranger: ... That's twice I've died. Twice, in two sessions! And it's only the start of combat...

[Sith_Happens]

No... Just no.

Is that at me?

[Erik Vale]

*Looks up* Opps. No that was at the Hard time. I'll go and edit that.

[Milodiah]

Tiny-size fairy cleric: "Sir, what is it you have in these vials here?"
Merchant: "Well, it's, uh...rat poison, for rats. I swear."
Fairy: "I already used my Detect Poisons for today...uh...I stick my finger in the vial, and taste it."
DM: "Yep, tastes like rat poison alright. Also, you should probably roll Fortitude. On account of the rat poison."

[Sith_Happens]

Tiny-size fairy cleric: "Sir, what is it you have in these vials here?"
Merchant: "Well, it's, uh...rat poison, for rats. I swear."
Fairy: "I already used my Detect Poisons for today...uh...I stick my finger in the vial, and taste it."
DM: "Yep, tastes like rat poison alright. Also, you should probably roll Fortitude. On account of the rat poison."

Player logic.

[Milodiah]

Did I mention the Constitution of six?

[DigoDragon]

Did I mention the Constitution of six?

*Zing!* Perfectly timed punchline.

---

GM: "Apparently everyone's on freaking technological upgrades except me. Minus 20 DKP for everyone!

GM: "The tunnel elevation is dropping... and dropping... and dropping...
Ronnie: "Hello, we falling or walking on the ceiling now?"

GM: "The cave is getting hot, very hot."
Ronnie: "Hello, getting a bit uncomfortable."
Nicolette: "Then take off your suit jacket."
Ronnie: "Fashion over comfort!"

Amaya: "I'm glad my minimalist fashion sense of short skirts and sleeveless tees are paying off. I just need to ditch the jacket."
Ronnie: "Hello, don't have to stop at just the jacket."
Amaya: "I'd kill you if it weren't so damn hot right now."

GM: "It took me four tries to grab the d20. In one attempt I grabbed my d4."
Alexander: "What's it matter, you only roll 1s anyway."
GM: *Rolls a d20*
d20: *Lands on a 1*
GM: *ANGRY GLARE*

Alexander: "At least we'll be healthy when we burn to a death."

Alexander: "I'll go to the door on the right."
GM: " You turn left. Nice when we don't listen to ourselves."
Alexander: "Ah, it must be an Anti-door."
GM: "How so?"
Alexander: "It leads me to the Anti-chamber."

Alexander: "I do not speak French, but I have a feeling we've been here before."

Amaya: "I'm looking at a box... uh... 2 units across... 3 tall... 4 deep..."
Alexander: "Amaya, you have the image in front of you. Look at the pieces and see which ones would fit the image to form the cube again."
Amaya: (Rolls a 1 on an INT check) "I like unicorns."

Alexander: "It's time to try something stupid."
Amaya: "Yes it is."
Alexander: "I back up."
Amaya: "I take off my shirt."
Alexander: "I get a running start."
Amaya: "I climb the desk."
GM: "Okay... really not sure where this is going, but let's see..."

Ronnie: "Hello, a shirt just came off and not on a dude."
Nicolette: "Your breast senses are tingling?"

Amaya: "I'll take 'Countries that eat pets' for 600, Alex."

Alexander: "Why are you in your undergarment?"
Amaya: "I had a dumb idea that I didn't see through."
Nicolette: "Well I see you managed to get your shirt off."

[Marnath]

Player logic.

Completely excusable in this instance, I should think. Fairies aren't really known for their decision making or critical thinking.

[Lord Raziere]

Completely excusable in this instance, I should think. Fairies aren't really known for their decision making or critical thinking.

Yeah, they make the perfect PC's! just add pyromania.

[Cristo Meyers]

Alexander: "Why are you in your undergarment?"
Amaya: "I had a dumb idea that I didn't see through."
Nicolette: "Well I see you managed to get your shirt off."

You just know that, somewhere at sometime, someone has had this conversation in real life.

--

"...and stay out! *long string of curses* script kiddie dilletante! There, so, what'd I miss?"
"Grace's been shot, (BBEG) is dead, and Renee and Carlos are stuck in a vault with a soul-sucking demon gem."
"You guys get all the fun..."

Renee: "Are you alright?"
Carlos (from the floor, flat on his back): *thumbs up* "Am I missing an eyebrow?"

[Prince Raven]

"I skin the goblin dog and wear its hide as a jacket."

[MReav]

Savrille: Be warned, whoever wields the Rod shall suffer its terrible curse!
Drow Wizard: How do I break the curse?
Savrille: That is for you to discover.
Drow Wizard: I cast Control Undead on him. How do I break the curse now, bitch?
Savrille: You honestly thing if I knew, I'd be a skeleton with a meat hook up my ass?
Drow Wizard: Fair point.

Wizard: Man, it's such a shame our town-wide road trip was interrupted by a gas leak!
Citizen: Yeah... that makes sense.
Military Grade Combat Bum Robot: Tell me humans, is there a lot of inbreeding in your town?

Wizard: You've fought with great skill, but all is not well, goodbye and goodnight, I'll see you in hell. *Megablast*

Krampus Your power is great, but your spirit's unwilling. Run away now or I'll get with the killing.

Santa Claus: Your words of reforms brings great joy to these halls. But understand one thing... there is only one who gets to [bleep] with Santa's balls! *Smacks down the Krampus*