Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition II: We all want to be the Majestic 12

[Jormengand]

"Wait, the assassin needs to roll to flirt with you first!"

"You're fighting a paragon pony."

[DigoDragon]

Not the end of the Majestic 12 quotes, oh the huge manatee!

What I wouldn't do to have another group like that.

I have quotes from a later Shadowrun game run by the PC who played Danny, but I also have quotes from a d20 X-Files campaign a completely new GM ran us on. My opinion is that the latter was funnier so maybe I'll do that. Have to substitute D&D for the religious references though so it doesn't violate board rules.

"You're fighting a paragon pony."

I'm glad I'm not the only DM who did that!

[DigoDragon]

X-Files campaign using d20 Modern.

Spoiler: Character Context

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Napoleon Solo: FBI tactical officer. Despite his knowledge of protocol and federal procedures, he thinks outside the box. Acts as team lead on the job.
Ronnie Cordova: Energetic field agent. Ronnie brings his Charismatic attitude and former LAPD training. Proficient in martial arts. Always wears sunglasses, even indoors.
Amaya Miyagi: An emancipated 16 year old girl. Consultant for the FBI as a medium in spirits and magical energies. Speaks with a deadpan voice.

Jimmy Stetson: OPRI department director. NPC, and our boss who assigns us cases to solve.

OPRI stands for Office of Paranormal Research and Investigation

Spoiler: Game Quotes

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Ronnie: "I spelled dodge 'D O J'. What's wrong with me?"

GM: "You are to meet on the second floor, third cubicle on the right."
Amaya: "Cubicle?"
GM: "I mean office. Third office."
Ronnie: "That's one low-rent federal office building."

Solo: *Parking his motorcycle, nearly hitting an adjacent car*
Ronnie: "Hello, don't scratch the Beamer."
Solo: "Do you know who owns the Beamer?"
Ronnie: "No idea. Let's go!"
Solo: "..."
GM: "Solo, do you follow Ronnie or do you give him a little lead?"
Solo: "I give him a LOT of lead."

Ronnie: "Are we allowed to bring guns on board this flight?"
Amaya: "Are you a federal Air Marshal?"
Ronnie: "I'm LAPD, we do what we want."
Amaya: "Not going to argue with you anymore."

Ronnie: "This is boring. I wander around the plane. I roll a 4, something happens!"
Solo: "You're defeated by a bag of peanuts. Anybody got a knife?"
Terrorist: "Yes, you can borrow mine."
Air Marshal: *Arrests the terrorist*
Solo: "Is this a Staples commercial? Was it that easy?"

Ronnie: "This hot dog had a spine. Gave me a tough time breaking it."
Solo: "That was a corndog you moron! It had a stick inside!"

Amaya: "Well, unless we can get a PK E-Meter we should go out there and check the place out in person."
Ronnie: "Sounds good."
Solo: "Do you need a PK E-Meter?"
Amaya: "...that was sarcasm."

Solo: *Buys a cup of coffee at the mall's Starbucks*
Coffee: *Suddenly jumps out of the cup onto Solo's face*
Ronnie: "Hello, lawsuit in progress!"
Vendor: "Oh I'm so sorry about that! Are you alright sir? Err, can I get you another one or something?"
Solo: "Yes, please."
Amaya: "Yeah, I think he's missed a spot on his face."

Marrisa Davenport: "I hope you can help because the cops have been totally useless."
Solo: "Yes, we need to discuss the pertinent details of this case."
Amaya: "Tell her about the coffee."
Marissa: "What about the coffee?"
Ronnie: "Racecar here wore the mocha."

GM: "You meet the mall's security chief."
Solo: "Okay, standard check- Hips, Shoulder, Chest."
GM: "You critically wound him."
Amaya: "I don't think he was using the VATS system. I think he meant observation."
GM: "Sorry, force of habit."

Solo: "Is there anyone whom you feel may threaten your life or wish to do you harm?"
Security Chief: "My wife."

Security Chief: "Did you find something?"
Amaya: "On the security tapes, yeah."
Ronnie: "Check it out, weird sh*t on Camera 3."
Amaya: "I guess we can check that store first."
Security Chief: "Mind if I come along?"
Amaya: "Knock yourself out."
Security Chief: *Punches self-- out cold*
Ronnie: "Finally, someone around here that's useful."

Ronnie: "What store is this anyway?"
GM: "The Gap."
Amaya: "Oh no."
Solo: "Ha! I'd love to hear Amaya ask the clerk if they've seen anything odd there."

GM: "As Amaya walks to meet up with Ronnie, the left shirt rack suddenly collapses in front of her."
Amaya: "Well... that's not unusual."

Amaya: "I'm calling Solo's cell phone."
Solo: "I let it go to voicemail."
Voicemail: "Hello, this is Napoleon Solo. If you're female, please leave your name, age, and measurements and I'll get back to you. BEEP."
Amaya: "Amaya, sixteen, and none of your damn business." *Hangs up*

Solo: "I call Amaya back."
Amaya: "Hello?"
Solo: "It's Solo. What's up?"
Amaya: "I was attacked by a clothing rack, but otherwise it's pretty quiet in this store. I think--"
White Noise Voice: "sktzz-kill yourself-zzztks"
Amaya: "--I'll call you right back."

Jimmy: "But I think what we have here is slightly less than mundane."
Amaya: "Much like Ronnie's Taco Bell lunch."
Jimmy: "Taco Bell is never mundane."

Solo: "We should look into this person of interest because maybe Daniel was into the occult and found his answer."
Amaya: "So he found the beyond at the Bed and Bath?"

Ronnie: "Hello, the guy is complete nuts. He needs some Zantac, chop-chop."

Amaya: "I'm going to buy a Ouija board before we go."
Solo: "I don't know if this mall would have stores that sell that kind of thing."
Amaya: "The mall has a toy store. I can get the Milton-Bradley version. Ages 13 and up."

Amaya: "I try to buy a Ouija board, hopefully without any shelves attacking me."
Ronnie: "You take 10 points of Nerf damage."
Amaya: "Haha, not funny in the slightest."
GM: "Actually-- Amaya, roll a reflex save."
Amaya: "Ronnie, I'm going to haunt you from Nerf Hell for this."

GM: "Amaya, not two steps from the shelf do half the board games start flying down at you."
Solo: "That must suck being beaten to death by the game of Life."

Amaya: "I got the Ouiji board. Let's go, I hate this place."
Solo: "You okay? You look a bit roughed up."
Amaya: "A poltergeist tried playing Scrabble with my face. Any more questions?"
Solo: "...did you win?"

Solo: "Did we just walk onto the set of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?"
GM: "Jeez, I can't give out this guy's description without you all ramping up the stick forward all the way."
Amaya: "You might want to refrain from using the phrase 'ramping up the stick' on that description."

GM: "If he's going to give me the Charlie Brown mawa-bawa-mawa sound then damn it I'm going to give him the pterodactyl screech!"

Solo: "My name is agent Stetso- er, Solo."
GM: "What, your name is Stetson? Time to roll that Bluff check."
Solo: "I'm about to be convicted of perjury. Don't mind me."

Amaya: "Okay, the Ouija board is set up."
Solo: "Is there anything you want me to do?"
Amaya: "Watch my back in case of a demon coming through a portal or something."
Solo: "I doubt it works like Doom, but okay."

[GPuzzle]

Solo: "Is there anyone whom you feel may threaten your life or wish to do you harm?"
Security Chief: "My wife."

Why did I laugh THAT loud?

[Marnath]

Ronnie: "This hot dog had a spine. Gave me a tough time breaking it."
Solo: "That was a corndog you moron! It had a stick inside!"

My favorite.

[DigoDragon]

I had to do a few edits to make it board safe.

Spoiler

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Amaya: "Did you know a glass of whole milk has the same amount of fat as 3 strips of bacon?"
Marcus: "I misheard whole milk as Holy Water."
GM: "Wow, no wonder that stuff is good. Here lich, put some meat on them bones!"

Ronnie: "Hello, can't hear you. I'm too busy punching people and being awesome."

Marcus: "Are you planning on bringing your motorcycle to the job?"
Aries: "Well... probably not."
Amaya: *Not paying attention* "You can fold it as carry on luggage. Isn't that what everyone does?"

Jimmy: "Three more people are joining the team for this mission."
Amaya: "Great, we can do that much more damage when they get here."
Jimmy: "Thank you for your unwavering confidence."
Solo: "She's just our little gothic ray of sunshine."

GM: "You fly from DC to Colorado." *Makes several squiggley line motions*
Solo: "What is he flying, Value Jet? Delta?"

Solo: "Our Russian exchange agent is coming in style. The FBI sprung for a view-master and a bottle of vodka on his flight."

Aries: "GM, I have some stuff hidden under my jacket."
Alexander: *Gets out his dice*
Aries: "What, do you have a 'Stuff-Under-My-Jacket' detector?"
Solo: "Yeah, it's his hands."
Ronnie: "Hello, assume the position. It's the universal constant."

Marcus: "You are one tall cleric."
Alexander: "Aye, that I am."
Marcus: "So... do you bless people or beat the evil out of them?"

Solo: "Let me shake Ronnie at the ghost. Are you annoyed yet?"
Ronnie: "Hello!"
Solo: "Not you, I was talking to the ghost."

GM: "Amaya, the morning star burns."
Amaya: "Ughhh..."
GM: "Do you wake up?"
Amaya: "Ughhh..."
GM: "Okay, the zombie doesn't stir. Moving on."
Amaya: *Flips off the sun*

GM: "Ronnie, you meet the three new team members."
Ronnie: "Hello. Hello. Hello."
GM: "A 3-hit combo!"
Alexander: "What am I looking at?"
Ronnie: "A rainbow. Taste it!"

Ronnie: "Hello, Ronnie is experience a system error and must restart."
Ronnie: "Hello, Ronnie is shutting down..."

Alexander: "I'm going to roll a Knowledge (Religion) check."
GM: "Which religion do you roll and what are you taking from them?"

Amaya: *Groggily walks into the room*
Jimmy: "Ah, the rest of the team is here."
Alexander: "Hello little girl."
Amaya: "...if you're all trying to scare me awake, it's working."

Solo: "The problem is trying to convince others that the mall is haunted."
Amaya: "What, everyone doesn't already believe in ghosts?"
Solo: "No, they don't."
Amaya: "That was sarcasm."
Solo: "However, security chief Falstaff won't think so and he's going to look at you the same way I do."
Amaya: "What, that he wishes I was two years older?"

Solo: "Amaya, here's a list of questions for you to investigate-- 1) See who hates the mall owner's guts. 2) No, don't add this to the quotes..."

Marcus: "What was this guy's occupation?"
GM: "A janitor."
Ronnie: "His name was Yon Itor."
Alexander: "And he made a clean get-a-way."

Ronnie & Amaya: *Staring down a ladder into the sub-basement*
Amaya: "So... who goes first?"
Ronnie: *Shrug*
Amaya: *Realizes she's wearing a skirt* "Wait. I go first."

Alexander: "I look at Amaya."
Amaya: "I'm not admitting to anything."
Alexander: "I'm going to cast a spell."
GM: "Magic Missile?"
Alexander: "No."
GM: "Amaya is the darkness."
Solo: "I'm covering up my head."

Ronnie: "Hello, I only know one spell, and it spells your doom!"

Alexander: "I chase the aura past the door."
Ronnie: "I follow the preacher man."
GM: "The aura goes left into the hall."
Alexander: "I follow suit."
Amaya: "No, the suit is following you."
Ronnie: "No, you only follow suit if you're playing Spades."
GM: *Starts slapping himself from the bad puns*

GM: "And sure enough, here comes Mr. Falstaff."
Amaya: "Here comes the brass balls."
Ronnie: "Hello, strangest prosthetic ever."
Team: *Stares at Ronnie*

Solo: "I call over a janitor, a kid about Amaya's age."
GM: "Okay, one comes over."
Solo: "Amaya, I'm going to get a cup of coffee. Ask him where he hangs out on breaks."
Amaya: "Wait, what?!"
Solo: "I'm an old man, you're a young pretty girl, and he's a young horney teen. Guess who he'll open up to?"
Amaya: "... you're diabolical."
Teen Janitor: "What did the old man want?"
Amaya: "I dunno... say, uh... you're... cute."
Teen: *To himself* "YES!"

GM: "As the teen takes Amaya into the private storage closet, you pass by a section of wall with the initials N.S. scratched on it."
Solo: "Well Amaya must not hate me. It's not crossed out in blood."

Solo: "I listen in on the two in the closet. If I hear a zipper I'm pulling out my gun."
Amaya: "If I hear a zipper I'm removing his face."

Teen: *Pulls out a bag of joints* "So, you wanna light up?"
Amaya: "..."
Ronnie: *Kicks open the door* "Hello, this is a bust! What are you doing with my daughter? A janitor? My little girl isn't dating no push broom boy!"
Amaya: "...oh no. ...It's dad."
Teen: "Ahhh!"
Ronnie: "Say hello to the cop."
Solo: *Waving his badge* "Hi."
Ronnie: *Pulls out his own badge* "Say hello to the other cop."
Teen: *Drops his bag of joints*
Ronnie: "I'll take those joints. For medicinal evidence. Yoink!"

Amaya: "Okay, this part of the wall looks off. Like... plain?"
GM: "Amaya, you notice a shadow on the wall... vaguely humanoid."
Amaya: "I take a step back and cast Detect Magic."
GM: "Now you definitely see a shape."
Amaya: "I take chalk and draw the outline."
GM: "Okay, it's definitely a 5' 6" person."
Alexander: "Interesting. We may have found our ghost Daniel. In this wall."
Amaya: "Anyone read 'Cask of Amanteallo'?"
Ronnie: "Better question, anyone have some explosives?" *Smokes a joint*

Security chief Falstaff: "So... you think there's a body behind this wall?"
Ronnie: "Hello, you want credit if there is?"
Chief: "Why?"
Alexander: "We like to keep our Anonymity."
Ronnie: "Hello, I'm not a sea creature."

[Sith_Happens]

"Do I want to punch someone?"

"You made your prison brew taste like something other than **** or pixie sticks."

Barbarian: "I punch [the Ranger] next."
Ranger: "Why me!?"
Barbarian: "Because you haven't been punched yet."
Fighter: "I watch, even though I can't see."

"He's right, I did grope his ass. And I would do it again."

"Why would anyone want to go to Rockwall?"
"So they can climb it?"

"Congratulations, you just summed up [the Ranger]'s backstory via Queen."

"It was fun in that hole."

"I'm the ****ing Dwarf."
"The '****ing' Dwarf?"
"There is only one cot in there."

"I attempt to eat its tentacles."
"So that's what they're calling it now."

"Do you want to be chill or not?"

[OOC chatter:] "Belkar was in an oubliette in Azure City, of course they didn't realize he'd hidden his Ring of Jumping +20 in an undisclosed location."
[Later:]
DM: "Roll percentile to see where you make contact."
Player 1: "Anything under 50 is his beard."
DM: "And another 30% chance is..."
Player 1: "His secondary beard."
Player 2: "Secondary beard? Where would that even be?"
Player 1: "In an undisclosed location."
Player 2: "I'm leaving."

[Erberor]

GM: Congratulations, you have deep fried your opponent. Good Job.

GM: well, NO, I wasn't expecting you to blow up a steam canister in his face and then shoot him point blank with the prototype railgun.

GM: Let's see what your charisma score is...no, I'm afraid you're not pretty enough to look dramatic as you fall.

Shopkeeper: You could buy the ordinary rope, sure...OR you could buy this awesome animated rope instead!
Me: What does it do?
Shopkeeper: It automatically strangles anyone who attempts to use it!

NPC: You're one of those Hero types aren't you?
Hero type: Yep.
NPC: Damnit.

GM: For the last time, draining the souls of fallen opponents for your item crafting is evil! I should NOT have to tell this to the lawful good cleric!

GM: One of them comes at you armed with a small rock-
Me: I hit him in the face with his own rock. With magic.

Pun-lord: Carpe DM. Sieze the dice.

[Martin Greywolf]

The setting: A:tLA alternate verse
The system: Dračí Doupě 2 (made in Czech Republic)
The PCs: one on one, only PC is called Nameless, current avatar (Aang died in the iceberg)

Spoiler: The Quotes

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Toph: I don't see the problem.

Nameless: I'm a mercenary, I don't function in society, I blow the society up.

Iroh: So, what curse did you get?
Nameless: A wolf tail. Apart from occasional urge to mark my territory, it's pretty awesome. How about your nephew?
Zuko: <bursts out singing to the tune of Figaro> It's horrible, horrible, horrible...
Iroh: Come on, now, nephew, it could be worse.

Zhao: <crashes into three tables in a row>
Nameless: All make way for commander Crash!

Nameless: Whate happened to you?
Azula: ...I fell down some stairs.
Nameless: That then proceeded to inflict electrical burns to your hands?

Nameless: <reads job offer poster> „A nameless mercenary waterbender able to read circle script is needed.“ That's awfully specific...

Nameless: Working for you carries a significant Azula tax.

Nameless: I stab them. And if that don't work, I stab them again.

Nameless: So, you just saved a baby dragon from being set on fire by his parents... and this doesn't remind you of anything?
Azula: ...no.
Lu Ten: <to Nameless> How are you still alive?

Nameless: I think the dragon just pranked us.

Nameless: I just used a princess as a projectile.

Nameless: So, the good news is that sandbenders will let us stay in the city, despite not really liking Fire Nation. The bad news is, everyone except me has to wear a bunch of wee little bells at all times.
Everyone: <looks at Azula and bursts out laughing>

Nameless: I shall communicate with them via the medium of explosions!

Nameless: And the invasion is being led by admiral Crash... I mean Zhao, admiral Zhao.

Nameless: Silent like a fish MY A**!

Nameless: I saved the world for 20 yuan. I feel like I need to step up my prices.

Nameless: That's it! I'm installing knockout gas dispenser inside my airship!

Nameless: How can you not know how eggs work?!

Katara: I'll have you know I have a boyfriend in the Earth Kingdom!
Nameless: Suuuuure you do...
...
Nameless: Hey, Azula, did Katara tell you about her boyfriend in the Earth Kingdom she totally has?

Toph: So you saved the world for free?
Nameless: I really, really need to step up my prices...

Lu Ten: Did you just blow up the entire Ba Sing Se sewers?
Nameles: You're welcome!

Commander Li: Are you sure it's a good idea?
Nameless: ...no.

Nameless: Coming to think of it, half of our family issues are currently on this island.
Azula: Now to burn it down!
Katara: Well, Azula certainly has a head start...

Nameless: Did you hide chocolate in the rocket launchers again?
Azula: Mmmaybe?

Nameless: You just had to drink the tea, didn't you?
Azula: I was thirsty!

Nameless OOC: I think me and Azula just invented political cartooning.

Nameless: So, I just won an airship factory in a card game...

Nameless: Well, nothing really important has happened in the Earth kingdom recently.
Azula: Wait, does it mean that Earth kingdom is the new Water tribe?
Katara: <glare>

Nameless: I have to give you some cute nickname, like Zuzu.
Azula: Absolutely not!
Nameless: How about... Lulu?
Azula: That sounds like a name for a stripper.
Nameless OOC: Meanwhile, in Code Geass-verse, Lelouch cries.

[Sith_Happens]

Toph: I don't see the problem.

Finally, a Toph joke in this thread! No thanks to DigoDragon's group, of course.

Nameless: I saved the world for 20 yuan. I feel like I need to step up my prices.

Toph: So you saved the world for free?
Nameless: I really, really need to step up my prices...

THIS IS HIS CATCHPHRASE NOW. DON'T ARGUE, JUST EMBRACE IT.

Nameless: I have to give you some cute nickname, like Zuzu.
Azula: Absolutely not!
Nameless: How about... Lulu?
Azula: That sounds like a name for a stripper.
Nameless OOC: Meanwhile, in Code Geass-verse, Lelouch cries.[/SPOILER]

HA.

--Anyways... The Avatar and Azula working together? With Katara too!? CANNOT COMPUTE, PLEASE PM.

[Codex]

"I'm going to punch your side in the face!"

"He ate his own mouth out. Trolls do that right?"

"Well I was hoping for Men in Black meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer but it looks like I'll have to settle for Avatar meets Avatar."

"What, you thought I'd just pull am Elsa on everyone?"

"That is one of the most powerful beings in our entire mortal coil! Not a pony!"

[bulbaquil]

GM: "Yes, she is the goddess of UFOs."
P3: "I'm going to play this character like a magical unicorn now!"

P3: "I don't get domains."
...
P4: *singing to the tune of Black Sabbath's "Iron Man"* "I don't get domains / Every other cleric doesn't feel my pain!"

P2: "I know what her favored weapon should be: a lamp-shaped battle aspergillium."

[Jormengand]

"You're fighting a paragon pony."

"That is one of the most powerful beings in our entire mortal coil! Not a pony!"

Heh heh heh.

[DigoDragon]

Finally, a Toph joke in this thread! No thanks to DigoDragon's group, of course.

Haha... yeah I can't say nothing about that.


MOAR Quotes~

Spoiler

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Solo: "I guess we reconvene at the hotel and call it a night. Jimmy, I assume you want to see this through?"
Jimmy: "It would be nice."
Amaya: "We might get paid for it too."
Solo: "Yeah, it's only the government. It's not like the private sector, they demand results."

Solo: "I love jobs where I travel often. Thanks to hotel stays I haven't bought shampoo in 13 years."

Solo: "We can also check out the DMV to see if this dwarf still has a driver's license on file."
Amaya: "Could he even see over the dashboard?"
Jimmy: "Well at least his driving skill is better than your $7.95 for a week bus pass."
Amaya: "At least *I* can reach the pedals."

Amaya: "Great. All we need now is a car chase with me at the wheel and Ronnie in a sombrero."
Ronnie: "Hola!"

Jimmy: "Anyone have any other pressing matters before we all retire for the night?"
Ronnie: "Hello, explosives."
Jimmy: "Besides that."
Ronnie: "Uh... sledge hammer?"

GM: "So where will we be splitting off to?"
Amaya: "There is City Hall, the DMV--"
Ronnie: "The BBB."
Solo: "The Bodacious Babes Boutique?"
Ronnie: "Hello, dibs on that stakeout."
GM: "Mmm, steak."

GM: "You make your way to the door behind the filing cabinet marked 'Live Cougars'."
Solo: "I open the door and hope to find Phyllis Diller inside."

Solo: "I open the drawer for the company's archives."
GM: "Their archives are the entirety of the drawer."
Solo: "Great, we'll be taking down a pillar of the community. I can see the conversation with the owner now-- So Mrs. Foster, did you know you have a murderer in your company? Did you know you could be the murderer? What's that? You're building a wall of lawyers? An actual wall?"
Amaya: "And a moat of Litigation."

Solo: "I'll take Ronnie with me just in case they accept a passable cop more so than a straight FBI agent."
Amaya: "Yeah, they might hate the feds."
GM: "Darn federal agents and their fancy suits."
Amaya: "Wait, this guy is a socially-dysfunctional dwarf. Doesn't he hate everybody?"

Ronnie: "Hello, looking for concrete. Wanna get stoned."

GM: "Roll research."
Amaya: "26."
GM: "You fail to find AOL."
Amaya: "Thank. Pelor."

Solo: "Nothing wrong with this guy. He just owns an altar to some ancient god."
Amaya: "Big deal, I got three of those."

GM: "You get to the mall just in time to see it do the poltergeist thing."
Mall: *implodes*
Amaya: "...cool."
GM: "Amaya, now your shirt does the poltergeist thing and implodes."
Amaya: "Ow! Ow! Ow!"
Ronnie: "Hello, let me help you with that."
Amaya: "I will slap you through the black hole to retrieve my shirt."
Solo: "Black holes can do anything!"

Solo: "KB Toys? That place was lethal the other day, let's go in!"

GM: "The punk swings at Ronnie and misses completely."
Ronnie: "I respond with a round-house kick to his noggin. Nat 20!"
GM: "And here I was worried I wouldn't be able to get in a good fight this session."

Solo: "I'm going to try something stupid."
Amaya: "So am I. You better be extra creative with your idea."
Solo: "I have two-weapon fighting."
Amaya: "Yeah, that's a contender."

Amaya: "Janitors shouldn't be that happy. Can we arrest him for that?"
Ronnie: "Hello, he's dead."
Amaya: "Oh, right."

Ronnie: "Hello... zzz... Hello... zzz..."
Amaya: "I think he fell into some kind of... healing stasis."

Jimmy: "We're here to check out a 15-year old cold case. Let's not turn it into a 15-minute new case."

Solo: "I'm taking suits and myself to the hospital and get our injuries treated."
Ronnie: "Hello, nose is bleeding and I don't know why."
Solo: "Are you going to be alright by yourself, Amaya?"
Amaya: *Draws a picture of Solo and Ronnie on the base of a broom*
Solo: "Sure you don't want back up? Maybe the cleric?"
Amaya: "No, I'll be fine. Alone. With no crazy people around me."
Ronnie: "...is that a voodoo broom?"

Amaya: "I poke around the janitorial closet."
Broom: *Bristles*
GM: "You see two digital thermostats and the usual mop/broom/bucket/cleaning stuff."
Broom: *Bristles*
Amaya: "Hmm... (*To the broom*) So what do you think, Solo?"
Amaya: *Imitating Solo* "I think I'll need a cup of coffee and then we'll question someone."
Amaya: "How about you Ronnie?"
Amaya: *Imitating Ronnie* "Hello, I think we should do a... SWEEP of the closet."
Broom: *Bristles*
Amaya: "Um... did the broom just... bristle at me?"
GM: "That's only the 3rd time your broom has done that."
Amaya: "I should stop playing with myself."
GM: *Stifling a snicker*
Amaya: "Well I'm glad no one heard that."
Solo: "Yeah, but the way you've lowered the broom it's like Ronnie and I are looking up your skirt."
Ronnie: "Hello, nose is bleeding again and I don't know why."

Amaya: "You smell like a convention. What happened to you?"

Solo: "Where's Amaya?"
GM: "You don't see her."
Solo: "I look for her. Last time she dissappeared somebody got stabbed."
Ronnie: "Criminey, and we're in a scissor shop!"

Amaya: "You said this guy is human?"
Murder Suspect: "Yes."
Solo: "I just have to ask your wife a few questions. Were you cheating with this 17 year old kid?"
Ronnie: "We can ask the husband too. Could be trapped in the closet. Or a threesome."
Amaya: "Can we check your closet for a dwarf?"
Ronnie: "Hello, I know this song. I'm on it!"

Amaya: "Okay, so Daniel the ghost was real close friends with Pascal the scissor store owner, but not in a 90210 way."

Ronnie: "Hello, so this dead kid had a thing for scissors, and he bought construction paper to feed the scissors, right? Cut construction paper leads to cut construction art and thereby all the moolah his family was making off it. And who hates people making money off construction paper more than the dwarf who was in the construction industry, right? Hello, we have our murder suspect!"
GM: "How in the world did you connect that conclusion?"
Amaya: "Done in five degrees. Kevin Bacon can kiss it."

[SickBritKid]

Player: *rolls 5 on Search check*
DM: You do not find Billy Bonka's Chocolate Factory.

[Braininthejar2]

Spoiler

Show

The setting: A:tLA alternate verse
The system: Dračí Doupě 2 (made in Czech Republic)
The PCs: one on one, only PC is called Nameless, current avatar (Aang died in the iceberg)

Spoiler: The Quotes

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Toph: I don't see the problem.

Nameless: I'm a mercenary, I don't function in society, I blow the society up.

Iroh: So, what curse did you get?
Nameless: A wolf tail. Apart from occasional urge to mark my territory, it's pretty awesome. How about your nephew?
Zuko: <bursts out singing to the tune of Figaro> It's horrible, horrible, horrible...
Iroh: Come on, now, nephew, it could be worse.

Zhao: <crashes into three tables in a row>
Nameless: All make way for commander Crash!

Nameless: Whate happened to you?
Azula: ...I fell down some stairs.
Nameless: That then proceeded to inflict electrical burns to your hands?

Nameless: <reads job offer poster> „A nameless mercenary waterbender able to read circle script is needed.“ That's awfully specific...

Nameless: Working for you carries a significant Azula tax.

Nameless: I stab them. And if that don't work, I stab them again.

Nameless: So, you just saved a baby dragon from being set on fire by his parents... and this doesn't remind you of anything?
Azula: ...no.
Lu Ten: <to Nameless> How are you still alive?

Nameless: I think the dragon just pranked us.

Nameless: I just used a princess as a projectile.

Nameless: So, the good news is that sandbenders will let us stay in the city, despite not really liking Fire Nation. The bad news is, everyone except me has to wear a bunch of wee little bells at all times.
Everyone: <looks at Azula and bursts out laughing>

Nameless: I shall communicate with them via the medium of explosions!

Nameless: And the invasion is being led by admiral Crash... I mean Zhao, admiral Zhao.

Nameless: Silent like a fish MY A**!

Nameless: I saved the world for 20 yuan. I feel like I need to step up my prices.

Nameless: That's it! I'm installing knockout gas dispenser inside my airship!

Nameless: How can you not know how eggs work?!

Katara: I'll have you know I have a boyfriend in the Earth Kingdom!
Nameless: Suuuuure you do...
...
Nameless: Hey, Azula, did Katara tell you about her boyfriend in the Earth Kingdom she totally has?

Toph: So you saved the world for free?
Nameless: I really, really need to step up my prices...

Lu Ten: Did you just blow up the entire Ba Sing Se sewers?
Nameles: You're welcome!

Commander Li: Are you sure it's a good idea?
Nameless: ...no.

Nameless: Coming to think of it, half of our family issues are currently on this island.
Azula: Now to burn it down!
Katara: Well, Azula certainly has a head start...

Nameless: Did you hide chocolate in the rocket launchers again?
Azula: Mmmaybe?

Nameless: You just had to drink the tea, didn't you?
Azula: I was thirsty!

Nameless OOC: I think me and Azula just invented political cartooning.

Nameless: So, I just won an airship factory in a card game...

Nameless: Well, nothing really important has happened in the Earth kingdom recently.
Azula: Wait, does it mean that Earth kingdom is the new Water tribe?
Katara: <glare>

Nameless: I have to give you some cute nickname, like Zuzu.
Azula: Absolutely not!
Nameless: How about... Lulu?
Azula: That sounds like a name for a stripper.
Nameless OOC: Meanwhile, in Code Geass-verse, Lelouch cries.

For some reason I read the Nameless' quotes in the Cabbage Guy's voice.

[Codex]

Heh heh heh.

Wow, didn't even notice that.

[Hunter Noventa]

Nix: So the hobgoblins are stealing from the goblins?
Ragnar: Because hobgoblins are jerks and goblins can count to potato?

[Codex]

"Your Shish Kibob makes the incoming militia made entirely to kill us seem appealing."

Rouge: Why did you just blow up the cottage?!
Codex:I had a coupon.

[Spore]

[PC1]: I'll summon a Celestial Velociraptor.
[PC2]: When you introduced yourself, you didn't say that you're AWESOME!
[PC1]: Why?
[PC3]: It's Raptor Jesus. Duh.

[Buddha's_Cookie]

Took me long enough to find and catch up with the rest of you. Happy to see the thread restarted and going strong.

Dm to me: Oh, you lost three levels. Here's a Reese's cup.

[DigoDragon]

DM: "This is going to be a curb stomp."
PC1: "Define curb stomp."
DM: "Okay, imagine your a US Civil War era soldier with a Henry repeating rifle. The best weapon of your period."
PC1: "And what does the enemy have?"
DM: "They're in the B2 bomber that just dropped a nuke on your location."

[USS Sorceror]

Spoiler: Character Context

Show

Brix Pennant-alchemist who is kind of a drunk, likes punching things, and is unfortunately the parties leader

Dmitri-morose cleric of a goddess of death who hates the undead

Lira-a strix (human with bird wings) who was abandoned by her people for having been born with defective wings...or she got a severe injury, we're not sure

Mishro-wandering ronin samurai...not much else to say

Spoiler: Quotes!

Show

Dmitri: I don't remember voting for you.
Brix: You don't vote for leaders! Leaders are made. Unless they're a mayor, in which case you vote for them.

Mishro: Do you want me to kick this door in too?
Brix: Let's be polite and knock first. -knocks on door-
DM: You hear voices speaking in a language you don't understand.
Brix: Okay, open the door, and be neighborly. -readies bomb-

Brix: Okay, now I want you to be creative and try to open this door WITHOUT using fire.

Brix: Look, they didn't vote for this guy to lead them.
Goblin: I voted for Bob.
Brix: Why?
Goblin: Because he whips us if we don't.

Dmitri: So we defeated our enemy by standing idly by while he strangles himself with his own whip?
Brix: Victory!

Mishro: This lockets been heavily oxidized.
Brix: I know what that's like.
Lira: I don't think you mean oxidized.
Mishro: If anything, you're fermented.

Lira: There are skeletons in there.
Dmitri: What kind of skeletons?
Lira: The kind that are getting up and moving about.
Dmitri: -flies into a rage and begins attacking-
Brix: Mishro, I'm worried about Dmitri. I think he's drunk.

Dmitri: He's only attacking you because you're holding that banner!
Mishro: I continue attacking! You're gonna have to persuade me, man.
Brix: Persuade you? Okay. -19 Diplomacy- Throw away the banner, dumbass!
Mishro: Oh, okay.

[Sith_Happens]

Haha... yeah I can't say nothing about that.


MOAR Quotes~

Spoiler

Show

Solo: "I guess we reconvene at the hotel and call it a night. Jimmy, I assume you want to see this through?"
Jimmy: "It would be nice."
Amaya: "We might get paid for it too."
Solo: "Yeah, it's only the government. It's not like the private sector, they demand results."

Solo: "I love jobs where I travel often. Thanks to hotel stays I haven't bought shampoo in 13 years."

Solo: "We can also check out the DMV to see if this dwarf still has a driver's license on file."
Amaya: "Could he even see over the dashboard?"
Jimmy: "Well at least his driving skill is better than your $7.95 for a week bus pass."
Amaya: "At least *I* can reach the pedals."

Amaya: "Great. All we need now is a car chase with me at the wheel and Ronnie in a sombrero."
Ronnie: "Hola!"

Jimmy: "Anyone have any other pressing matters before we all retire for the night?"
Ronnie: "Hello, explosives."
Jimmy: "Besides that."
Ronnie: "Uh... sledge hammer?"

GM: "So where will we be splitting off to?"
Amaya: "There is City Hall, the DMV--"
Ronnie: "The BBB."
Solo: "The Bodacious Babes Boutique?"
Ronnie: "Hello, dibs on that stakeout."
GM: "Mmm, steak."

GM: "You make your way to the door behind the filing cabinet marked 'Live Cougars'."
Solo: "I open the door and hope to find Phyllis Diller inside."

Solo: "I open the drawer for the company's archives."
GM: "Their archives are the entirety of the drawer."
Solo: "Great, we'll be taking down a pillar of the community. I can see the conversation with the owner now-- So Mrs. Foster, did you know you have a murderer in your company? Did you know you could be the murderer? What's that? You're building a wall of lawyers? An actual wall?"
Amaya: "And a moat of Litigation."

Solo: "I'll take Ronnie with me just in case they accept a passable cop more so than a straight FBI agent."
Amaya: "Yeah, they might hate the feds."
GM: "Darn federal agents and their fancy suits."
Amaya: "Wait, this guy is a socially-dysfunctional dwarf. Doesn't he hate everybody?"

Ronnie: "Hello, looking for concrete. Wanna get stoned."

GM: "Roll research."
Amaya: "26."
GM: "You fail to find AOL."
Amaya: "Thank. Pelor."

Solo: "Nothing wrong with this guy. He just owns an altar to some ancient god."
Amaya: "Big deal, I got three of those."

GM: "You get to the mall just in time to see it do the poltergeist thing."
Mall: *implodes*
Amaya: "...cool."
GM: "Amaya, now your shirt does the poltergeist thing and implodes."
Amaya: "Ow! Ow! Ow!"
Ronnie: "Hello, let me help you with that."
Amaya: "I will slap you through the black hole to retrieve my shirt."
Solo: "Black holes can do anything!"

Solo: "KB Toys? That place was lethal the other day, let's go in!"

GM: "The punk swings at Ronnie and misses completely."
Ronnie: "I respond with a round-house kick to his noggin. Nat 20!"
GM: "And here I was worried I wouldn't be able to get in a good fight this session."

Solo: "I'm going to try something stupid."
Amaya: "So am I. You better be extra creative with your idea."
Solo: "I have two-weapon fighting."
Amaya: "Yeah, that's a contender."

Amaya: "Janitors shouldn't be that happy. Can we arrest him for that?"
Ronnie: "Hello, he's dead."
Amaya: "Oh, right."

Ronnie: "Hello... zzz... Hello... zzz..."
Amaya: "I think he fell into some kind of... healing stasis."

Jimmy: "We're here to check out a 15-year old cold case. Let's not turn it into a 15-minute new case."

Solo: "I'm taking suits and myself to the hospital and get our injuries treated."
Ronnie: "Hello, nose is bleeding and I don't know why."
Solo: "Are you going to be alright by yourself, Amaya?"
Amaya: *Draws a picture of Solo and Ronnie on the base of a broom*
Solo: "Sure you don't want back up? Maybe the cleric?"
Amaya: "No, I'll be fine. Alone. With no crazy people around me."
Ronnie: "...is that a voodoo broom?"

Amaya: "I poke around the janitorial closet."
Broom: *Bristles*
GM: "You see two digital thermostats and the usual mop/broom/bucket/cleaning stuff."
Broom: *Bristles*
Amaya: "Hmm... (*To the broom*) So what do you think, Solo?"
Amaya: *Imitating Solo* "I think I'll need a cup of coffee and then we'll question someone."
Amaya: "How about you Ronnie?"
Amaya: *Imitating Ronnie* "Hello, I think we should do a... SWEEP of the closet."
Broom: *Bristles*
Amaya: "Um... did the broom just... bristle at me?"
GM: "That's only the 3rd time your broom has done that."
Amaya: "I should stop playing with myself."
GM: *Stifling a snicker*
Amaya: "Well I'm glad no one heard that."
Solo: "Yeah, but the way you've lowered the broom it's like Ronnie and I are looking up your skirt."
Ronnie: "Hello, nose is bleeding again and I don't know why."

Amaya: "You smell like a convention. What happened to you?"

Solo: "Where's Amaya?"
GM: "You don't see her."
Solo: "I look for her. Last time she dissappeared somebody got stabbed."
Ronnie: "Criminey, and we're in a scissor shop!"

Amaya: "You said this guy is human?"
Murder Suspect: "Yes."
Solo: "I just have to ask your wife a few questions. Were you cheating with this 17 year old kid?"
Ronnie: "We can ask the husband too. Could be trapped in the closet. Or a threesome."
Amaya: "Can we check your closet for a dwarf?"
Ronnie: "Hello, I know this song. I'm on it!"

Amaya: "Okay, so Daniel the ghost was real close friends with Pascal the scissor store owner, but not in a 90210 way."

Ronnie: "Hello, so this dead kid had a thing for scissors, and he bought construction paper to feed the scissors, right? Cut construction paper leads to cut construction art and thereby all the moolah his family was making off it. And who hates people making money off construction paper more than the dwarf who was in the construction industry, right? Hello, we have our murder suspect!"
GM: "How in the world did you connect that conclusion?"
Amaya: "Done in five degrees. Kevin Bacon can kiss it."

d20 Modern?

[Kid Jake]

All of these are from my current game.

Roger McCrow: "This man belongs in prison, the very fact that he's not means that he must be a sociopathic liar. Of course I want him to represent me."

Fanboy: "Dammit McCrow, how many old women are you going to beat up before this day is through?"
Roger McCrow: "I don't know, how many are we likely to run into?"

Me: "That leaves about 60 witnesses that you can't mindrape."
Fanboy: "Damn...alright, how many can we lock in the warehouse?"

Roger McCrow "I don't care his rank, he's not putting a finger inside me."

Tiffany: "Alright, so the tree monster is listening to music in the van then and doesn't know I'm here? Fantastic, I order my partner to pee on him."

Not the character but Fanboy's player to his wife's surprise: "Alright, everyone seems properly horrified. I guess it's time to burn down this Mosque."

Roger McCrow "I can't show you my power, it's messy and I can guarantee there won't be a functioning piece of plumbing left after I'm done."

Agent Mann "I think I'm going to call you Drip, because I'm pretty sure your body is like 90% chlamydia at this point."

Roger McCrow "I only came for moral support, and possibly to watch you put your finger inside Fanboy."

Roger McCrow: "Either she answers my questions or I'm going to have to get rough."
Me: "She's an innocent bystander, she literally doesn't know anything else. Even Fanboy can vouch for that."
Roger MCCrow *headbutts a grieving widow unconscious* "I warned her."

Roger McCrow (After creating life): "They're happy little bastards aren't they?"
Fanboy: "They're terrifying."
Roger McCrow: "What? How can you say that? They're adorable! They were playing with a cat the last time I saw them."
Fanboy: "You only say that because you didn't see what they did when they CAUGHT the cat..."

Roger McCrow: "He's like the son I never had."
Fanboy: "The hell are you talking about? I know I've met your son. Aren't we paying for his wedding?"
Roger McCrow: "Yeah, but he doesn't have superpowers so he doesn't really count."

Roger McCrow: "I'm pretty sure Homeland Security told us not to do exactly this..."
Fanboy: "If the American government wants to stop me they're more than welcome to try."

Me: "In the news today are photos of more than a dozen Italians fished out of the bay with their throats slit and their hands removed..."
Roger McCrow: "Wait, did we do this?"
Fanboy: "No, we never stopped to cut off hands."

Roger McCrow: "Wait! We can't just kill this guy!"
Fanboy: "What are you talking about? You've killed more than a dozen people in the week since I've met you."
Roger McCrow: "Well yeah...but most of those were accidents."

[Sartharina]

I've been waiting for these to show up here, kidjake! i'm trying to figure out which is the best.

[Sallera]

PC1 (OOC): Sorry bud, you emit sparks and can't walk quietly to save your life. Not allowed on further stealth missions.

DM: The adventurer's life: Make a fortune, spend it all resurrecting your dead friends.
PC2 (OOC): Or "Make a fortune, spend it on booze and whores, make new friends." Being evil has it's advantages.

PC3: Ah, this plan hasn't panned out very well.
PC2: *twitch* Orks. Orks with axes. Why can't I ever have something simple like that.

PC1: Either that is the most powerful spell ever devised to make a dull glow, or there's something else about that crystal.

PC2: Half of us already died in these halls, and as half of the other half I'd rather not continue that trend.
PC1: As half of the first half I'm inclined to agree with you.

PC2: Chip, chip, chip the rock
gently piece by piece.
Steadily steadily steadily steadily
we are going deep.

Spoiler: Length

Show

The length of this exchange veers dangerously close to context, but I couldn't resist.

PC2: Well, <PC5>, use that chiseled chin and shining white teeth of yours to find out where we need to go.
PC5: Why, <PC2>, I had no idea you felt that way about me. You're sure to make me blush.
...
PC4: <PC2>, that was an example of humanoid mating ritual was it not? This is, how do you say, playing hard to get? Are you and <PC5> going to copulate?
PC2: You know, sometimes I forget you're not a real boy. Hasn't <PC1> given you the talk about the birds and bees yet? Be glad I know you're not teasing me, or you'd've had my fist in your face. And believe me, I know how to crack your shell. No, we're not mating. I'm just saying what he is: a fancy pretty-boy, and people like him use that to get what they want.
PC4: The mating behaviors of you flesh-bodies is no mystery to me. I do understand however, that in certain tribes two males will sometimes seek each other out. An old human once told me this practice is called buggery. Regardless of your intent, it would seem that <PC5> read your remarks as an overture. Are you not concerned about...how is it? Leading him onward?
PC2: You know, you might actually be right there. I don't look at <PC5> in that way, but he might have interpreted it thusly. I really don't want to hurt his feelings and if I confront him directly about it he might feel rejected. Could you, perhaps, ask him innocently whether or not he is a bugger?
PC4: Indeed <PC2>, I will broach the topic with him delicately...though I am not sure how I shall, mmm....lay him down gently, that he is unrequited?
...
PC4:Was he too a bugger? I am told that they tend to dress sharply, and that dwarf was certainly well-manicured. I wonder, does he braid his own hair, or does it require assistants? I am told some noblewomen require a team of ten or more, though I am uncertain of your dwarven practices...
PC2: Tell me <PC4>, does <PC1> have to go through questions like that every time? I'm starting to understand why she ran headfirst into a forty pound club.
PC4: Every time what? I don't believe in our brief travels together, that she and I have ever been approached by so fancy a dwarf. In fact, you are only the second of your kind I have ever had more than a cursory conversation with. The first was a Kundarak merchant I met shortly after emerging from what you Khorvarians refer to as Khyber. I believe he wanted to sell my body, though assuredly not for buggery.
PC2: *extended bout of coughing* That's enough. No more talk of buggery. Dol Arra's mutton chops, can't I just enjoy a fine brew in peace and quiet?

PC2: Chip, chip, chip the <PC4>
Gently piece by piece.
Merrily merrily merrily
I will live in peace.

PC2: You know, this is a quite pleasant place. Makes me feel calm and at ease. That's not usual for me. And it disturbs me deeply that nothing about this seems to disturb me at all.

[Kid Jake]

I've been waiting for these to show up here, kidjake! i'm trying to figure out which is the best.

Heh, thanks. I'll try and dig up some of the older ones.

[GPuzzle]

Liam: "Let me get this straight - we just found a black hole, in Japan, and it isn't sucking the Earth yet."
Thomas: "Japan is Earth personal alternative reality where men with badass swords, tattooed gang members, nerds, obese men fighting and gothic lolita schoolgirls peacefully coexist."

[gc25774]

DM: The first thug goes down and the second asks, "Why are you doing this?"
Player: I coup de grace him.
DM: What? But you're good!
Player: So?
DM:........