Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition II: We all want to be the Majestic 12

[goto124]

DM: You find a massive chest on the ground.
P1: I open it.
DM: You take your knife and slice the flesh open, spilling blood all over the ground. Inside you find a heart, lungs, and various other organs.
P1: ...what kind of chest was that?
DM: A lady orc's. She has a nice rack, too.

Spoiler: Related joke

Show

"I grab her topless chest."

Spoiler: Context:

Show

DM: You rip the top off of the drow priestess's chest. Inside are a book, a map, and various loose papers.

[DigoDragon]

Cleric: "Ah! I found my pajamas!"
Wizard: "Where have they been hiding?"
Cleric: "In my Haversack's pajama pocket."
Wizard: "You... never thought to check there before? In the pocket you dedicated to your pajama collection?"
Cleric: "Well no, because I usually keep all my pajamas in the Bag of Holding with my shorts."
Wizard: "...I'm done with this conversation."

[OctoberRaven]

Matilda Hexen: "Attempting to kidnap a noble is punishable by death."
Marximillion: "By the gods, Miss Hexen, death for kidnapping is extreme!"
MH: "Attempted kidnapping. Actual kidnapping is also a capital offense regardless of class. Also, Lady Hexen."
M: "Are we really going to have this discussion now?!"

MH: "Thank you Brigand. As promised, I will now deliver you mercy."
MH Player: "Magic missile, all three bolts on him of course."
Others:
MH Player: "What, you thought she was Lawful Good?"
Roland (A Paladin): "I had hoped I could convince him to repent!"
MH: "At the end of the spell he would have been aware that he was enchanted. And like I said, attempting to kidnap a noble is punishable by death."
Roland: ""Those men had not seemed yet irredeemable; merely followers of circumstance. I could think of no greater victory than to snatch away a follower of evil and convince them to seek the way of light"
DM: "Roland, your Divine Sense told you these guys were in fact irredeemably evil."
Roland Player: "Oh right. Nevermind."

MH: "We should remove their armor and bring it with us, lest other brigands use it for their own misdeeds."
Vertman: "Charming and stripping, Lady Hexen? Trying to get it out of your system before your marriage?"

Kellie, a halfling monk: "I just want to get to this town, I bet it's huuuge!"
V: "Everything's huge to you, Kellie"
K: "I bet it's even hugerer than normal."

V: Somewhere I can play? And "play"?
DM: You could play in the common room or possibly cafeteria of the dorms.
K: "I want to play to! I love games!"

And after session:

"So, figure out how you're going to discuss the conspiracies next week."
"Through interpretive dance!"
"Through my fists!

"It's a fireball. It's basically a magic hand grenade."

[Milodiah]

The evolution of my notebook...


GM: "In the center of the warehouse are five human skulls, perfectly cleaned and arranged in a circle."

Me (writing in notebook): Creepy voodoo cult (?)

...

GM: "With that roll, you realize that there's only the victim's footprints going in, and no footprints at all going out."

Me: flying creepy voodoo cult (?)

...

GM: "Suddenly the man is lifted from the forklift by an amorphous mass of hazy smoke, and he screams in pain as the back of his head is peeled away to reveal his skull."

Me: flying creepy voodoo cult (?) smoke monster. Investigate possible connections w/ LOST.

...

P2: "So why'd you do it!"
GM: "The summoner weakly leans forward in his hospital bed, and whispers to you, 'Power...for the Motherland...'".
Me: flying creepy voodoo cult (?) COMMIE smoke monster. Investigate possible connections w/ LOST, Mikhail Gorbachev.



Same game:

TO-DO LIST

• Call GhoulTrack
• Pick up crucifix
• Murder Gypsy Dave
• Buy more whiskey

[DigoDragon]

Stragus: "So you can send toast in time? Has any toast or bagels appeared around you mysteriously?"
Terry: "No, but a bad guy used it and disappeared in a flash of light... leaving behind a slice of burnt bread."
Stragus: "Villain-flavored bread?"

DM: "This is why it's so hard to take down a Marine- Their armor has a +23 ablative ceramic plate in it."
Candy: "Aim low! Aim low!"
DM: "Their armor protects the vitals."
Candy: "Darn!"
Terry: "Yeah, I'm sure this was an issue addressed years ago."
Maxwell: "Ever since the invention of the crotch."

Maxwell: "What's the primary objective here?"
Gus: "We have to take out the fusion power plant here and then move on our merry way."
Bobby: "Except that the best way to get going is the Tram station because we're surrounded by water and Terry is Bathophobic."
Maxwell: "No problem, have him blindfolded and drink a gallon of milk. Once he's passed out we'll sail across on a rubber raft."

DM: "Make an Intelligence check to see where putting the C4 on the turbine would be most efficient."
Terry: "Made the check by 2."
Maxwell: "By 2."
Candy: "Made it by 1."
Bobby: "Eh, put it wherever."
Maxwell: "I choose Bobby to set it."

Maxwell: "Terry, Bobby here has an idea."
Terry: "Wait, Bobby has an IDEA?"

DM: "The Apache will attempt to gun down the lead car with it's M230 cannon. Gus, that would be you. Your action?"
Gus: "This thing has Nitro, right?"
DM: "Yup."
Gus: *Hits Nitro on the Esprit*
DM: "Okay the Apache opens fire and nails the cloud of dust that's vaguely shaped like the car that was there. Gus, piloting check."
Gus: "Don't you mean driving check?"
DM: "Not at the speed you're going."

Terry: "That's my new standard. If it's no weirder then time traveling toast, I can buy it."

[GPuzzle]

Robin: "On three, Adric will blow up the spaceship and we'll all board the Millenium Falcon."
Libra: "When did the Millenium Falcon fall on here again?"
Thomas: "Possibly when Anders boarded the TARDIS, became the new Doctor, sent us all to Ylisse and we're still a D&D party."
Libra: "What's next, the Enterprise?"

*Enterprise crash-lands on the ground*

Libra: "I should've kept my mouth shut."

[UristMcRandom]

"It's a fireball. It's basically a magic hand grenade."

With your permission, I'd like to sig this.

[OctoberRaven]

With your permission, I'd like to sig this.

Sure!

[GPuzzle]

Adric: *imitating the D*ck in a Box sketch from Saturday Night Live* "Merry Christmas, Libra."
Libra: *swings her oversized axe* "I'm glad I brought my opener."

[Inevitability]

Player: Look, you buy friends, whereas I sell friends. That is the difference between us.

Me: Apparently the paladin and fighter are both shooting arrows from a safe distance? I guess the monster goes for the monk then.
Monk's player: ******* you, guys.

[DigoDragon]

Terry: "Now normally I might have a few questions about that, but we have a time traveling toaster."

Terry: "We got another newspaper from the future. An atomic bomb is going to go off in downtown Moscow, killing 600,000."
Maxwell: "We saw a scale model of Moscow in the lab, right? With a model bomb?"
Terry: "Yeah. Temperatures reached 8000 degress-"
Bobby: "Oh, dat warm."

Bobby: "Grrr..."
Candy: "What's wrong?"
Bobby: "I don't like insects in my drink."
DM: "What? Who's having sex in your drink?"
Maxwell: "Welcome to the conversation, DM."

Candy: "Well if you want the medical vest to heal you, I can slap you around now."

Radio: "Bravo team? Come in Bravo team?"
Maxwell: "Bravo team has checked in and checked out. We're replacing them with Charlie team, lets see if you chaps can tell the difference."

Maxwell: "I don't like eating at a place the requires you to sign a waiver."

Terry: "What logo is on this pack of cigarettes?"
DM: "Oh um... some foreign brand... has a camel... with an arab... on fire..."

DM: "You see a MAGI show up with 3 demons."
Gus: "Blue demons?"
DM: "Sure."
Gus: "Gasp, we're caught between the marines and the deep blue three!"

Bobby: "Is the Magi dead or unconscious?"
DM: "He's dead. Something about losing your bellybutton out your back side through your kidney being lethal."

Gus: "Black blood of the earth!"
Bobby: "You mean oil?"
Gus: "No, Black blood of the earth!"

[Erth16]

Mrs. Claus: Thank you, you're a kind...person of indiscernible gender. Could you find my husband for me? He went missing and a blood trail showed up behind the house.
Robin: Of course ma'am, where's the package you need delivered?
Mrs. Claus: What?
Robin: You called for a mailperson did you not?

Dm: You quickly find the blood trail she mentioned, it's about three feet wide.

Robin: I make camp for the night.
Dm: After you make camp, you see those same three people from the village following you still.

Dm: As you are walking, two dire wolves emerge from the forest and begin circling you.
Mad Bomber: Now's my chance to help!
Robin: Eegleschmeegleagleleehyourngidorngy.
Dm:...What was that?
Robin: Word of Pain.
Dm: You easily handled the wolves and continued walking.
Robin: I skin them first.

Dm: The same people are watching you when you make camp.
Mad Bomber: I approach the camp and ask for some food.
Robin: I kill one of the birds and hand it too her.

Dm: The next day the two of your are attacked by a pair of dire tigers.
Robin: I give them a fighting chance. Orb of Electricity.
Mad Bomber: How was that a fighting chance?
Ydyn: I join the fray, and run up at a tiger.
Dm: Ok, the ine that got blasted runs away in fear, the other charges at Ydyn, and hits twice for 25 damage.
Ydyn: I'm at -2.

Robin: I deliver Ydyn from her pain and kill her. I then skin her and wear it like a coat. I also skin the tigers.

Ydyn's brother: I approach the party.
Robin: I offer Ydyn's pelt as a token of friendship, and Ydyn's half eaten leg as a meal.
Mad Bomber: WHY!
Robin: We are in the tundra with the only sources of fire being our magic. We need to eat anything we can get our hands on.

Dm: You find the trail leading into a cave after 60 total days of travel.



Santa: Ho ho ho, thank you for saving me from those trolls, can you get me off this pike now?
Robin: One sec, I skin Santa.
Dm: I hate you. His flesh grows back due to his regeneration.

[DigoDragon]

Zebra: "Hmm, yeah, I think I have. At least, the general idea of where it was. Got shot by a drunken raider in that area who mistook me for a zebra."

[Dimers]

DM: You curl your bear-body up on a bearskin rug.
Player: Does that apply to the rest of us? Do we have to sleep on humanskin bedding?
DM: Well, you don't HAVE to ...

[OctoberRaven]

Marxmillion: Alright sirs of the north, I have traveled woods all my life, I know the forest. I can sense these things. I am telling you, there are traps
Matilda Hexen: You've traveled in Southern woods.
Marx: Matilda, you nobles can be all the kind of different you want, but the wild is the wild.
MH: That's absurd! Are you telling me a bear set traps? Hm? Perhaps an owl is preparing to snipe at us with poisoned arrows? Nature has nothing to do with ambushes!

Later, after finding no traps in the actual forest...

DM: Fanir, you spot tripwire traps and bear traps obscured by leaves around the trees leading to the house. You also don't see any people.
Roland: Wait we need to clarify. Are these traps set for bears, or are these traps set by bears?

DM: Everyone in the group sees this supposed "Ranger" failing to climb a simple tree.
*Marx, the ranger in question, tries again and passes*
MH: Maybe he has been feverish this whole time. It would explain his behavior.

[Erth16]

Director: A giant black dragon flies in from the end of the valley and breathes a wave of Black and gold fire over the entire valley, the fire engulfs you all, but seems to have no effect.
Hakugwyn: We're gonna die.

Usagi: Ok I use All or Nothing for 12 to attack the dragon.
Director: After your strike you feel the full effects of the dragon's breath. You now realize the dragon's breath fatigued you greatly and all pain or exertion is twice as great. Usagi falls unconscious.

Director: Usagi's strike tunnels through the dragon's foot and up through to its heart, cutting it out. The dragon still lives though, long enough to try and step once more on Hakugwyn. It failed to step on Hakugwyn who counters.
Hakugwyn: I grab its toe and give it a nasty rub burn.
Director: The dragon anticlimactically dies.

Hakugwyn: Ok, so my overcharge requires me to make a major heart distortion so... Noel, will you marry me? Please say no.
Noel: Um, I don't know what to say, I'm so emotional right now, I'll tell you later.

Later, against a different dragon.

Hakugwyn: Let me handle this one. I create a barrier behind me.
Director: The dragon raises it's own barrier of crystal in front of you. You are now in a box.

Director: You can see that the path downwards will branch in two directions. At the bottom of one path you see another dragon, far larger than the other two with a massive spear stricken through its chest, and on the other, you see a giant man, 15 feet tall, with two large hammers.
Hakugwyn: We can't take another dragon, let's fight him.
Usagi: I'm sorry but from all the anime my parents raised me on, I know that fighting the buff old man over the dragon is a terrible idea.
Hakugwyn: If you go to fight the dragon I will just stab you and pull you along by my sword.

Director: You enter the room and the man rises to his full height, and tosses his smaller hammer to the ground, shaking the other in the air as a circle of darkness empowers him.
Hakugwyn: I go up and slash him for 6 damage.
Usagi: I use all or nothing and reaping strike to deal 35.
Director: He first looks at Hakugwyn, then determines he can ignore the mosquito and crushes the snake. Usagi is unconcious.
Usagi: Do I at least get a defense roll?
Director: Usagi? No. Everyone else yes because they have defense and hp stats.

Director: After a long series of slashes and counterattacks from Hakugwyn, with support from Noel, the man goes into his death throes, grabbing the other hammer from the ground and desperately waving it, causing a large with sphere of energy to erupt from him. Defense rolls.
Usagi: I failed.
Chaika: Pass.
Noel: Pass.
Hakugwyn: Pass.
Director: Usagi is pushed back by the force 30 feet and into a wall, and is once again unconscious.
Noel: I have a major distortion as well... Hakugwyn, I accept.
Hakugwyn: ****. I stab Chaika out of rage.

[DigoDragon]

Gus: "Here we are, Moscow."
Bobby: "Hmmm... I haven't used Intimidate in a while."
DM: "I love the direction this conversation just went."
Bobby: "I wonder how that'll work across language barriers."
Gus: "Amazing, peeing your pants is the same in this country!"

DM: "It required a DC 10 Jump check to make that leap of logic, but you do."

DM: "You have a guaranteed distraction- Maggie just jumped on some guy's car and is doing an erotic dance on the hood."
Maxwell: "I throw rubles at her."

Ivan: "I hit the cop with my pipe."
DM: "The blow drops him to the floor."
Ivan: "I pick up his gun."
DM: "Not yet, next town."
Terry: "Wait what? Sorry Ivan, but your gun is in another postal code?"
DM: "I meant to say turn."

Terry: "I'm from Tennessee, I speak Tennis!"
Ivan: "You got two words, Twok and Bap."

Terry: "I think I'll take a look at the internet and see what else is messed up."
Gus: "It's the internet, shouldn't take long."

Bobby: "What's in the box?"
DM: "A phoneless cord."

DM: "The explosion took out several soldiers inside the cabin. The ones still alive and mobile start running outside."
Ivan: "I grab the Ak-47 and introduce them to modern warfare."

Terry: "I misread that as Prostrate Atrium."

Gus: "Congrats, we got a Raven-popsicle."
Maxwell: "Let's defrost her over the big metal safe that's radiating heat from the chunk of Jupiter's core inside it."
Ivan: "Is Rave a pleasant person when thawed?"
Gus: "You ever taken a cold shower? Well multiply that by 50 million, that's how pissed off Raven is going to be!"

[Sith_Happens]

[Snip]

...What system did you say this was again?

[Illven]

Brice. "yeah... not really scouting more like sending a messenger to announce our arrival)"

Fulgore semi OOC "two trapfinders in the party, and we still trigger every one of them "

Fulgore to Celia "Did you hit on that gate, too?"

[Makiru]

...What system did you say this was again?

Magical Burst, I seem to recall him saying.

[Erth16]

Magical Burst, I seem to recall him saying.

That is correct, the fourth edition specifically.
It is found at Yarukizerogames.com if you are interested.

[DigoDragon]

Ivan: "Oh Animorphs? Yeah, I read that. Rachel dies."
Gus: "Wait, what?"
Ivan: "Yeah, she gets killed in the face. Oh sorry... spoiler alert."

DM: "Candy, you smell what sounds like-"
Terry: "Ha, smells what sounds like?"
DM: "Fine. You smell what smells like-"
Bobby: "Hurrr... smell."

Ivan: "I inspect the genitalia-- er, janitorial closet."

Raven: "$%^%&$^*&^$#%@$%!!!"
Terry: "Guess Raven's awake."
Maxwell: "She seems to be in a pleasant mood."

Ivan: (Jumps in an elevator) "Time to Split!"
Raven: "... I'll take the next elevator."

Succubus: *Activates magical lightning mace*
Bobby: "Huh, an electric mace. I wonder where you plug it in?"
Ivan: "I bet she knows."

DM: "Okay, so Gus shoots the succubus, Raven sets it on fire, Maxwell powers up the Tau rifle, and Maggie... accidentally shoots Maxwell in the butt."
Maxwell: "My biscuits!"

Candy: "Don't forget to buy up your sword skill!"
Bobby: "He might not have a sword skill to begin with."
Gus: "Well Ivan is KGB right? He might know daggers."
Candy: "Do they train in swords?"
DM: "I'd assume the KGB train in piano wire."

Ivan: "I like boats."
Terry: "I do too... not."
Maxwell: "Only if it's in dry dock?"
Terry: "Not even if stuffed and mounted in a museum."

Dinosaur: "It smells like toast, but tastes like butt!"

Maxwell: "Any magazines here while I wait?"
DM: "Giant Knockers Magazine-"
Maxwell: "Yoink!"
DM: "-A catalog of large door knockers and knobs."
Maxwell: *Gets up and leaves the table in shame*

Terry: "We found the Last Will & Testament of the Secret Masters."
Maxwell: "I'm covering up my head."
Raven: "Warehouse 23 is hereby bequeathed to oblivion and its subsidiaries?"
Bobby: "That a Japanese company?"
Terry: "And to Maxwell Paladin I leave this 1741 bottle of Bushmills whisky."
Maxwell: "Ooh?"
Terry: "And a boot to the head."
Maxwell: *Booted*
Terry: "And one for Raven and the wimp."
Raven: *Booted*
Gus: *Booted*

Gus: "I'm curious about my DC3 that transforms into Super Robot Time Master Martian Successor Devastator on the toy card here."
Ivan: "It's like Megatron holding a Megatron that shoots Megatrons from its cannon."

Ivan: "I use Detect Lies to see if my 8-Ball is screwing with me."
Actual 8-Ball Toy: "All signs point to yes."

Bobby: "I throw the subway tram at it."

Maxwell: "Ivan, can I see the model rocket?"
Ivan: "Awww, I wanted to shoot it."
Maxwell: "If anyone is going to screw up a rocket launch, it's going to be an American. Give it here!"

[VincentTakeda]

Mr. Crow is a little bit out from shoreline in the water, and hears a voice:
(The voice is a friend that got separated from his sailing crew over a month ago. She has been placed in an iron maiden hanging from a tree on the shore of the island nearby.)
Voice: Crow? is that you?
Mr. Crow rolls a nat 1 on perception check... Thinks his god Gozreh is talking to him.
Mr. Crow: Yes?
Voice: Well gods be praised get me out of here!
Mr. Crow: and how exactly would I go about getting you out of the sky?
Voice: I'm not in the sky, you daft bird... I'm on the ISLAND... Big pile of ROCKS AND SAND... Its what separates the water on the LEFT from the water on the RIGHT!

[Dasgovernator]

"Let that be a lesson to you--Don't jump in a T-rex's mouth if you want to survive"

"Like I care about being eaten. 'Thanks, now I'm that much closer to your heart'"

"I'm Evil. I don't check facts"

"So our Skald has been beat-boxing this whole time?"

"So its Light Heavy Armour?"

"Slayers and talking don't really go hand-in-hand"

"All we're here to do is shop. The murder comes later"

"You. You're supposed to be dead."
". . . I'm not. Surprise?"

"We leave home for 5 minutes, and all of a sudden there's a great Silver Wyrm Dragon sitting on top of it. This whole neighborhood's gone to Heaven"

"Sadly it doesn't work like in Highlander"
"You mean there can be more than one?"

"We can finally purge the Frenchmen from the Forest"

"So we're burning down the Burning Men festival?"

"Is there ever a bad time for a flying Trex on your side"

"Did we just interrupt Boggard Mardi gras?"

"How many people usually die at their parties?"

(In Stoner voice)"Dude . . . I'm on fire!?!"

"When does one plus six equal six?"
"When you're doing chaotic math!"

"Its like a horror movie . . on the set of Saving Private Ryan"

"Reflex Save to avoid frogs"

"Did we just re-enact 300?"
"No. The Persians actually fought back"

"So its a Ghost that's pretending to not be a Dragon"

[cavalieredraghi]

Spark: "While he shouts two more times at the hole in Sabina's head."

[GPuzzle]

Thomas: "Oh, great, we're at Stalingrad."
Libra: "How did this campaign go from being a normal High Fantasy RPG whose RP concept was to toy with the stereotypes to becoming essentially a fusion between Doctor Who, Fire Emblem, Futurama, Looper and Neon Genesis Evangelion again?"

Thomas: "Am I the Only Sane Man in here?"
Libra: "Keep breaking the fourth wall and you will stop being it."

Robin: "I'm still amused that Thomas and Libra aren't dating yet."
Thomas and Libra: *facedesks*
Adric: "I'll need some paper and a pen."
Linus: "Okay, there you go."
Adric: *furiously writes fanfic of Thomas and Libra*

Linus: "I am genuinely considering changing my name to Robert Parr."
Anders: "I call dibs on Dash!"
Robin: "And I on Violet!"

Linus: *muttering* "The sound of the mort-"
Thomas: *grabs knife and puts it against Linus' throath* "Don't you dare."

Linus: "Heavens, this is awful."
Anders: "Somme and Passchendaele were worse."
Linus: "You weren't even there."
Anders: "I'm The Doctor, I was everywhere!"

Thomas: "The Devil is Dave Grohl and he's missing a horn. Two questions: why am I not surprised, and how do we defeat him?"
Linus: "I think I know how: singing!"
Libra: "For the first time that might actually be the right awnser."

[DigoDragon]

"I guess a Luck penalty would be like if a deathclaw crossed your path or something."

[Necroticplague]

MAGE:*Mass Hold Person*
Gene: Sorry, monstrous humanoid, try again.
Term: Aberration, not effecting me.
Phil: Undead, immune on two level.
Qwert: Outsider, I'm good.
DM:Five people who are all human, and not a single one of you are humanoid?
Gene: Thank WOTC for templates.

[GPuzzle]

Thomas: "I'm getting tired of those running gags."
Robin: "So that explains why the hostages are still shouting!"

Thomas: "Great, stands exist in this."
Anders:"MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA"

Rabbi: "Good news everyone! The murdered girl was Jewish!"
Libra: "I feel like we're missing part of the joke here."

Anders: "Welcome to Stalingrad - Population: 13,000 living, - 215,000 dead - 137,000 soldiers and a malfunctioning tank."

Adric: "I love the smell of a Fireball in the morning."

[DigoDragon]

Terry: "Okay, let's go pick up Ivan. He's in a burlap sack somewhere."
Raven: "Forget Ivan, bring the sack."
Terry: "Well Ivan is useful."
Raven: "Don't discredit the value of a burlap sack."

Gus: "Screw shaped bit, rotational motor, battery... okay, you know the drill."

Raven: "My best guess is that you blew the battery contacts on the Tau Rifle."
Ivan: "So... would a car battery work?"
Raven: "Sure, if it were nuclear."
Maxwell: "What, they don't sell plutonium at every street corner drug store in 1985?"

Ivan: "I throw the clock out the window."
DM: "It breaks."
Ivan: "Time flies."
Terry: "I'm throwing Ivan."

Gus: "You said there are spare magazines in the gun case?"
DM: "Yes."
Gus: "I'll take a copy of Time and Life."

Terry: "Is there a reason you two can't share?"
Gus: "One reason they can't share might be because neither one is Sonny."

Terry: "So did Dr. Penrod give you a time frame on when he'd arrive?"
Otis: "I expect my copy of Duke Nuken Forever to arrive before he does."

Maxwell: "I got some nuclear batteries. We need to blow up a pyramid."
Gus: "Why do we want to blow up a pyramid?"
Terry: "How do we blow up a pyramid?"
Raven: "When do we blow up a pyramid?"
Ivan: "I admit I'm with the broad on that last question."

Ivan: "You know it would be a lot easier if it weren't so gawd damned impossible."