Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition II: We all want to be the Majestic 12

[D.KnightSpider]

GM: And how do you propose to dual-wield fishing rods?
Ray: With finesse, dexterity and deadly efficiency.

--

Lisa: Harrison Ford would be eating his heart out... if the shame hadn't killed him.

--

Ray: I shall name him 'Ducky' and he shall be my pet.
Lisa: No.
Ray: I shall name him... 'Sharkie'?
Lisa: No.
Ray: What about 'George'?
Lisa: I don't care what you propose to name him. You are not keeping the anaconda!
Ray: Okay. Okay... Hey, have you chosen a familiar yet?
Lisa: NO!
Ray: Is that a 'no, I haven't' or a 'no, do not want'?

[Erik Vale]

To be honest, it'd be more of a animal companion, and wizard/sorcerer/etc animal companions suck balls.

DM: I think I've found two safe adventurers. Hey ****! I found two sane adventurers, they find stuff that could kill them and prepare to run.
****: You're joking.
DM: Nope. If you three play together, I think I'll call it the safety table.


DM: Ok, you both earn 2075 Xp.
We: Yay.
DM: [Me] You earn an extra 500 xp for using minor image to turn an encounter into a laughing stock.
Me: Woo!
DM: [Ranger] You earn an extra 100 Xp from using your spare short sword to open a potentially trapped chest, instead of the new wand you just found like the sorcerer suggested.
Me: Yea...

Other DM: Wow. My first TPK. And one was suffocation inside a bag of holding.

Me: I'd heard that Glitterdust was OP before, but I never truly believed it.
DM: Yea. You made two encounters survivable with it, and turned the other one into a turkey shoot.
Me: Yea. Blind, and then put a wall up before it get's it's vision back. Poor dino.

[Ranger]: Well we had to play safe. It was two of us, and I escaped the first trip by 1 HP. [Me] using minor image was a laugh though.



Yea. We were roughly CR 2.5 [Level 4 and 5]. First random adventure [because context] handed us our buts in one encounter. Second one we managed to face down a trio of CR 3-4 encounters. All and all a good days work... Optimized Gods really make up for the unoptimized.

[DigoDragon]

Ray: "Did... did you just pull a minigun out of a miniskirt?"

I'm picturing it like Maya from Wild Arms 3. Shake the skirt and *BAM* minigun drops.
So ridiculous it's funny.

Spoiler: Context

Show

A Trap does all of us with Hallucinogens.

With the Exception of Sabina, we were all tripping

That was such a great scene. Kinda miss that Sabina failed to be trapped by the... err, trap.


GM: "Amaya, are you ready for your Exp?"
Amaya: "Sure."
GM: "Two."
Amaya: "Yay. I can retire in epic-level luxury."

GM: "You pour the healing potion directly on your boobs. The rest can heal later."

Nicolette: "I dunno man. First Ronnie went sliding down the stairs as Tony Hawk, and then he got followed by two big orbs covered in nylon. The floor met them abruptly."
GM: "Did Amaya just fly down the stairs too or is she a Gradius boss?"

Amaya: "Ronnie, you alright?"
Ronnie: "Hello, perfectly alright for only having 15 hit points left."
Amaya: "Okay, so what's this basement look like?"
GM: "Actually, the stairs opened up to the terrace outside."
M. Bison: "Of Course!"

GM: "You see several patio tables and chairs."
Amaya: "Great, the cult was hosting a BBQ."

Nicolette: "Spell components in the storage closet? They have a gallon of bat guano on tap?"

Trigger: "I found a postage stamp."
Nicolette: "Nah, that's a halfling thong."

Nicolette: "This sounds like the set up for a joke. A cleric and detective crawl underneath a powder room table..."

Moar Quotes:

Spoiler

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Nicolette: "Wait, the crawl space Amaya is in? It's only 5 feet deep, right?"
GM: "Yes, she entered under the table and comes out in the closet across the hall."
Nicolette: "So if I step aside, Amaya can look at her own behind still sticking out of the powder room passage?"
GM: "Yes."
Amaya: "Why didn't anyone tell me my butt was so big?"
Ronnie: "Hello, we're not that brand of stupid."

Amaya: "I'm starting a fire."
GM: "Obvious question, do you have the tools to start-"
Amaya: *snaps fingers* "Presidigitation."
GM: "Okay. Not sure if you were willing to burn a spell for it."
Nicolette: "This is Amaya. She can shove a painting in the fireplace and cuss at it until it ignites on fire."
GM: "She's that angry, huh?"
Ronnie: "Hello, why is the fire blue?"

GM: "The next painting is of a Slavic lady. She-"
Nicolette: "Is it a guy or girl?"
GM: "Um, a girl. Hence why I used the words lady and she."
Nicolette: "It could still be a guy."
GM: "Nicolette, your player is the dump stat."

Amaya: *Opens the door*
GM: "Reflex save."
Amaya: (Rolls) "21?"
GM: "You hit the floor in time to dodge the cloud of flying glass shards going over your head. You're ok, the dining table behind you isn't."
Amaya: "Fffff..."
Ronnie: "Hello, this place is bullsh**."
Trigger: "Finally, something we both agree on."

LaBlonc: "Oh look, you brought a gun."
Amaya: "And a lot of hate behind it."
LaBlonc: "Good, the new world will need that."
Amaya: "Then let me give you a goodbye kiss from the old one." (Shoots LaBlonc)

GM: "I'm sure the dwarf's DEX isn't an 18."
Amaya: "It might be if this was a percentile system."

Nicolette: "Okay, this magic barrier stops bullets."
Ronnie: "Melee it is then." (Pulls out his medallion and chain, swings it and nails a cultist in the face)
Cultist: *Blood splatter and drops*
Ronnie: "Hello! I reject your bullsh** and substitute my own!"

Cultist: "Your bullets cannot penetrate this barrier."
Amaya: *Swings the shotgun through the barrier. Nails cultist in the face*
Cultist: "Oww... well played."

GM: "Great, you got the miniature one foot pornicorn."

Ronnie: "Come on dwarf, stand up and fight! Oh, you are standing."
Dwarf: *Swings a dagger at Ronnie, but misses*
Ronnie: "Hello, want me to get you a chair from the dining room?"

Alexander: "Come to me, my sinners. I shall anoint thee with Miranda Rights."

Nicolette: "I am agent Nicolette Sheridan. I want you all to sit down cross-legged here as Ronnie hands out paper and pencil. Whoever writes me the best detailed short story on turning over state's evidence doesn't get to spend life in prison with all their loser friends."

Jimmy: "Should I be concerned about all the bleeding people exiting the building?"
Amaya: "Half the people coming out are victims of the cult. The other half are victims of us."

Ronnie: "I'll take bonus Exp if the GM is offering. Kids in a candy store. Rhinos in a china shop. Peas in a pod... ...Okay, I lost my train of thought here."

Amaya: "Is it too much to ask for a few days of normalcy ?"
Jimmy: "We're in OPRI, Amaya. Weirdness is the job."
Amaya: "Yes, but it's cutting into my weekends."

[Necroticplague]

Player1: O.k., I draw my fullblade-
Player2: Wait, when did you get a fullblade?
Player1: I've had it this whole time. A lucky sleight of hand and some poor search on their part let me hide it on my person.
Players3: Wait, we were strip searched, how did you conceal a fullblade nude?
Player1:Very uncomfortably.

[IAmTehDave]

Spoiler

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Player1: O.k., I draw my fullblade-
Player2: Wait, when did you get a fullblade?
Player1: I've had it this whole time. A lucky sleight of hand and some poor search on their part let me hide it on my person.
Players3: Wait, we were strip searched, how did you conceal a fullblade nude?
Player1:Very uncomfortably.

In the back of a Volkswagen?

PC1: You're not flying this thing drunk are you?
Later-
PC2: Is the airship supposed to be cursing like that?

Edit: Man I wish I could find a decent modern type game near me. Fantasy's fun and all, but I'd love to get up to some Urban Arcana shenanigans...

[ZeroGear]

Nicolette: "Okay, this magic barrier stops bullets."
Ronnie: "Melee it is then." (Pulls out his medallion and chain, swings it and nails a cultist in the face)
Cultist: *Blood splatter and drops*
Ronnie: "Hello! I reject your bullsh** and substitute my own!"

Nice use of Mythbusters paraphrase! Adam would be proud.

[Cristo Meyers]

I'm picturing it like Maya from Wild Arms 3. Shake the skirt and *BAM* minigun drops.
So ridiculous it's funny.

I knew I liked you for a reason...

--

Overheard at the gaming table:

"Dice? What dice? All I see in front of me are polyhedral crystallizations of deceit and malice..."

[Tetraplex]

Archer: "I jump on the druid's head and screech my defiance to the heavens."

Druid: "Grab my fang. Come on, it's fine. It's fine. A tradition among my people. Of trust."

Necromancer: "Are the ghouls carrying anything?"
GM: "At your command, the ghouls empty out their pockets, revealing naught but a few gold pieces, a damp tinderbox..."
Druid: "...and a soaked dirty magazine."

"Why are all the monsters here so much chattier than the townsfolk?"
"Maybe we were right to burn that town down..."

"What if frogs don't go to prison?"

"The fleshraker in the tricorn hat and I are going to investigate that noise."

"Considering what we've found so far, that ring probably just drops feathers around you or something..."

[Cowardly Griffo]

"Milord, you are under arrest for kidnapping without a license, cruel and unusual horticulture, and violating owlbear leash laws."

[Sith_Happens]

M. Bison:

...Wait, what.

[DigoDragon]

"Dice? What dice? All I see in front of me are polyhedral crystallizations of deceit and malice..."

So much truth right there.

...Wait, what.

I removed the context. Makes it funnier, I think. :3

[Necroticplague]

Shibu:Well, hello their.
Naix:What is this, some crappy game of "where's waldo"?
Shibu:Oh no, we're not playing that. You've already suceeded, here I am. No, we're playing something more interesting.
*Turns around in chair, revealing self to be a flickering shadow with two glowing red lights for eyes*
Shibu:We're playing "what's waldo" instead. I'll give you a hint, "about to leave survivors" is not one of them.

[IAmTehDave]

We're playing "what's waldo" instead. I'll give you a hint, "about to leave survivors" is not one of them.

...I'm stealing this line.


Cleric: Does this guy look familiar to anyone?
DFA: I think we've killed him before. And now he's a zombie.
**carves a II on the forehead**
DFA: That way we'll know if we run into him again.

[Tetraplex]

Cleric: Does this guy look familiar to anyone?
DFA: I think we've killed him before. And now he's a zombie.
**carves a II on the forehead**
DFA: That way we'll know if we run into him again.

Ah yes. Also an excellent precaution when preparing to deal with anything that can shapeshift. Use washable marker and even if the doppelganger copies the big red X on their forehead it would have to be pretty tricksy to 'wash' it off in front of you.

[ZeroGear]

Ah yes. Also an excellent precaution when preparing to deal with anything that can shapeshift. Use washable marker and even if the doppelganger copies the big red X on their forehead it would have to be pretty tricksy to 'wash' it off in front of you.

Unless, of course, it shape shifts first, then puts a red X on it's forehead with washable marker.

[Necroticplague]

Unless, of course, it shape shifts first, then puts a red X on it's forehead with washable marker.

Which is why you use a non-symetrical mark, like an E. When people draw it on themselves, they usually get it backwards.

[janusmaxwell]

Which is why you use a non-symetrical mark, like an E. When people draw it on themselves, they usually get it backwards.

One Piece had a good solution. Put a mark on your arm and cover it with a colored bandana. If the doppelganger shows up they'll only know to put on the bandana, not the mark underneath it.

[janusmaxwell]

Crime Lord NPC: "I can help you, but in return you all must swear fealty to me for a year and sign this contract."
Fighter: "Ehh, why not. We don't have much of a choice."
Out of Character the fighter's player says "We don't have to actually do it if we don't want to"
Suddenly noticing the DM's smile, Wizard casts detect magic on the contract. And it's magical though the DM doesn't tell us what type of magic it is.
Group starts arguing in character about signing a paper that'll probably curse/kill us or something else horrible if we don't actually work for the evil wannabe kingpin.
Neutral Good Cleric (me): "We don't have a choice do we? There's no way around this situation."
As I sign the contract I make a big show of showing the other party members that my signature on the stupid macguffin is "Harry The Hamster"
And no, that wasn't my cleric's name.

[Laserlight]

Shadowwolf: "I've never taken damage from being packed into an ice cream box before!"

[GPuzzle]

"Come with me if you wanna live!"

"Attacked by a Druid, death by allergy to kittens."

"What were you doing during the last 3 hours?"
"Becoming a Knight of Maine."

"He is a noble - he probably knows 37 different ways of holding a teacup but doesn't know how to carry a shield properly."
"I HEARD THAT! AND THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO HOLD A TEACUP, YOUNG MAN!"

[FidgetySquirrel]

Me, to the not-yet-raging-for-some-reason orc barbarian: You swing like a baby goblin!
DM: The orc enters a rage and power attacks. *rolls dice* Fumble! *rolls for the fumble table* Aaand he promptly chops his own head off with the other side of his double axe.
Me: Told ya!

[DigoDragon]

Shibu:We're playing "what's waldo" instead. I'll give you a hint, "about to leave survivors" is not one of them.

Oh wow, that's epic. :3


GM: "And we have Amaya with her commanding 1000 Exp point lead."
Amaya: "I'd like to make it a True Daily Double, Alex."

GM: "And out of all the cult members, the one that wised up didn't get shrapnel to the face."
Alexander: "We were supposed to wise up?!"
Amaya: "No, the bad guys. We're too far gone."
Alexander: "Oh good. For a moment there I was worried. We don't have levels in WiseGuy."
Amaya: "I have levels in WiseAss. I got the smartest butt in town."
Alexander: *Cracks up laughing*
Ronnie: "So when you use the bathroom, do you wipe with your INT score?"
Nicolette: "Doesn't that make INT her dump stat?"
GM: "I don't know which of you I hate more now."

Amaya: "I call the bank to see who the hell has been depositing money into my account."
GM: "Ok, the bank asks for your pertinent info; Age, orientation, cup size..."
Amaya: "Not what I want in 'personal banking'."

Amaya: "Did you get a car in America, or did you ship over your own car from Russia?"
Alexander: "I bought one here in the States."
Amaya: "Okay, 'cause it would be awesome to see a car in the FBI parking lot with KGB vanity plates."

Dion: "Did you bring a Jersey Devil back?"
Amaya: "Not one living, no."
Nicolette: "We brought ash and fur samples, but our resident witch may now have the knowledge to magically conjure one for you."
Amaya: "Depends if you all want a petting zoo in the Federal Building."
Dion: "I don't care if we have a zoo here. Summon me up one of them devils!"
Nicolette: "While you summon Satan, I'm going down the street to Baltimore for a latte'. Anyone want anything?"

GM: "Amaya, what's on your mind?"
Nicolette: "Choose the form of the destroyer!"

Alexander: "Where is this new case located?"
Jimmy: "It is in Austin, Texas."
Alexander: "How Austintacious."
GM: "Hate. You."
Amaya: "Ignore him, he's a little Waco."

MOAR Quotes~

Spoiler

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Amaya: (Counting bullets in her new handgun's magazine) "11, 12, 13...? I'm missing one."
Alexander: "My gun is seriously unloaded."
Amaya: (Pulls back the slide on her gun) "Ah! That's where the last one went to."
Party: !!!

Jimmy: "Okay Nicolette, they granted your request. We're renting 3 SUVs."
Amaya: "Hellooo carbon footprint."
Nicolette: "Hey, this one is used. It still has chupacabras under the bumper!" (scrape scrape)

Ronnie: "Hello, what do the British know about English? ...wait."

Maritza: (Tries calling the foreman in the mine with her cell phone) "Come on, pick up, pick up, pick up... oh, right. Aluminum mine."
Nicolette: "Nature's Faraday cage."

Alexander: "Maybe instead of mining our own business, they should business their own mine?"

GM: "You are greeted by a large burly man of a foreman, in a full hazard mining suit. He pulls off the hood and the first striking oddity is that he's got a lit cigar in his mouth."
Alexander: "Isn't that dangerous?"
Amaya: "Given he's standing before us I'd say the odds are still in his favor."
Pablo: "Eh, you got better chances catching lung cancer in those mines then dying from this cigar."
Alexander: "But... okay, I see now that they do things waaay differently in Texas."

GM: "Ok, Pablo leads you into the mines. Are you claustrophobic?"
Alexander: "No."
Amaya: "Nope."
Nicolette: "You are now!"

Nicolette: "You asked the foreman for how much ore they mine in a month because you are an investigator/'investor'. He gives you an incomprehensible figure that's big/'exaggerated'."

Pablo: "Ugh, and we just bought that drilling machine."
Amaya: "Where did you get it?"
Pablo: "It was American built, here in Texas."
Alexander: "Maybe that's the problem?"
Amaya: "Thanks for taking my country down a notch."
Alexander: "And you who has been taking every other country down?"
Amaya: "Just me being an American."

GM: "Your phone bursts into blue flame."
Nicolette: "Can you hear me now?! Blue flame network my butt!" (Throws the phone)

Nicolette: "The workers are like zombies. I must do the Dance of Eros to see what arises."

Nicolette: "As a matter of National Security, you're coming with me. We are locking you up in a room and throwing away the room."

Ares: "Finding a vein of pure Aluminum in a mine is like finding a hot girl in your school computer club."

Cassie: "Someone might want to tell Ronnie he's replaceable ... by a 16-year old girl with an attitude problem."
Ronnie: "Hello, we have nothing in common. We're like the difference between your mom and an ill mallard. One's a sick duck... I forget the rest of it but your mother's a d12!"

Frynge: "I have no idea where you're going with this theory."
Ronnie: "To the farthest reaches of outer space!"
Alexander: "To the Frynge of the galaxy?"

Jimmy: "It must have been sympathetic brain damage from watching you take all those falls."
Nicolette: "So your brain damage is a sign that you care?"

[Marnath]

Spoiler

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GM: "Great, you got the miniature one foot pornicorn."

What. I know there's not supposed to be context, just... what does this mean?

[DigoDragon]

What. I know there's not supposed to be context, just... what does this mean?

I honestly can't remember the details. It was in reference to a dwarf cultist who was knife-fighting with Ronnie.

I'm guessing there was some kind of unicorn joke in that, but I think this campaign took place before G4 My Little Pony, so it wasn't likely one of those kind of unicorns.

[IAmTehDave]

Player 1: I'm going to use autohypnosis to memorize the secret phrase.
D20: Natural 1
Player 1: Uhh...trying again?
D20: Natural 1, sucker.
DM: Yeah you have a permanent mental block on the phrase. (PC1) is never going to be able to pronounce the words correctly even when repeating after someone.
PC2: No, it's LevioSAH, not LeviOHsa.....Jeez, (PC1) this isn't that hard.

[Cowardly Griffo]

Landis: "Hush now, I'm being offended on your behalf."

[Hyena]

[17:55:56] Socksy: What's the car made of
[17:56:08] 林凱全: car stuff

[Komodo]

"So, let me see if I have a grip on the situation...The orange sector, which is just down that way, is explodey, fire is spreading to the RED sector, bots are attacking Rank and Pimple, Crack is doing something to a console, and I'm high as a kite. Have I missed anything?"

[Stellar_Magic]

I've got a couple from a Saga Edition campaign I ran a couple years ago... It was really quite fun and we had a lot of ridiculous house rules in play.

Amp A sixteen year old cathar-zeltron hybrid, the ship's navigator and unofficial heart. Spent her share of the prize money on pirated ships to outfit her quarters with a hot-tub.
Ash Bralor A fourteen year old mandalorian teenager and GMPC, has the single worst luck of anyone in the game. Amp's boyfriend.
Nyx Crane Party leader and Captain of the Red Queen, an Umbaran force sensitive that has been caught-up in the rebellion in the Mandalorian Sector.
Kad'ika Bralor Nyx Crane's second in command, a miraluka adopted into the Bralor clan... surviving young-ling from Order 66. Adoptive daughter of Beskar'tal Bralor a mad scientist of a Mandalorian who makes mechs.
Roya Bralor Ash's older sister and a tinkerer. She comes with a heavily modified droideka she named Wheels.

Nyx Crane: *Fires at a TIE Bomber charging his position with a DL-44*
GM: Roll to attack...
Nyx Crane: *Rolls* Crit.
GM: Roll again for the crit chart...
Nyx Crane: *Rolls* Uh... 20.
GM: *swallows* Roll twice...
Nyx Crane: *Rolls* 19 and 18.
GM: Bridge hit, times five damage and an engine hit times four damage... So times nine damage...
Nyx Crane: 144 damage.
GM: the TIE Bomber bursts into flame and crashes into the hangar floor behind you, exploding in a violent fireball.

GM: A massive AT-SA (All-terrain siege artillery, non-canon six-legged walker I came up with from some art online) is marching down a valley, a couple AT-STs spread out before it. From your captured AT-ST you can see another of the colossal walkers in the distance heading this way.
Nyx Crane: I charge toward the AT-SA...
GM: Roll pilot.
Nyx Crane: 28, there's side hatches on it right?
GM: Yeah... Pretty big ones.
Nyx Crane: I jump the walker and wedge it's head in one of them!
GM: Okay... Pilot check.
Nyx Crane: Natural 20.
Ash Bralor: You're insane!
GM: The crazy plan works, you wedge the AT-ST's head into the side hatch... stormtroopers inside run for cover in fear as Ash stares at you in an expression somewhere between awe and horror.
Nyx Crane: Lets steal this thing...

Nyx Crane: Are the charges set?
Kad'ika Bralor: Ash is setting the last ones now...
Ash Bralor: *Hanging from the ceiling placing detonite charges... Mechanics check to place the last charger* Rolls a 1 *Ash explodes and falls about fifty meters from the ceiling to the floor with a sickening thud*
All members of the party: Ouch...
GM: Poor kid.

In a derelict asteroid, looking for a new pirate base...
GM: The crimson slug bites you for... *rolls* 29 damage... umm, doesn't that break your threshold?
Nyx Crane: Uh... yeah?
GM: So your spacesuit integrity is compromised... Lets see... local hazards... hmm... 27 vs Fortitude.
Nyx Crane: Succeeds... what happened?
GM: one point of wisdom damage, you feel rather drunk...
Nyx: What is it?
GM: Polywater poisoning... from now every hour, you take 1 wisdom damage when the attack roll exceeds your Fort defense, and you'll feel more and more intoxicated until you die.
Nyx: I hate you.

Yes, I used polywater aka the Psi 2000 virus from Star Trek. The results were hilarious as slowly every member of the crew and team got drunk until the ship medic came up with a cure.

[Sith_Happens]

"Either way you are not Fergie."
"I can live with that."

"Remind me how long now we've been trying to pick music for a random encounter?"
"Like half an hour."
"I think we've forgotten how to D&D."

PC 1: "Why would a noble knight have a porn stash?"
PC 2: "Nobles can still be perverts."
PC 1: "Why do you I travel with you people."