Serious Plots 5: No lulz.

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Aha! An exit! All he has to do is- urk!

Will wakes up, already having to adjust for all the hardware he's laying on top of. He goes to move his tail out of the way, failing to stop himself since he can't actually do so, and finds out that he actually can. He finds himself oddly okay with this, and he isn't okay with that. And judging from what he's feeling behind him, he seems to definitely have more to him now. Where the feeling is, it must be...wings? What the heck is he going to do with wings? Who the heck would want to willingly get high up when walking works perfectly fine?

But anyway, time for lots of lying. Will admits this one was his fault, and since he was basically told what would happen he can't really get angry at the mad doctor. He puts on his best innocent smile.
"Sorry, Doc. I just got really restless. I was just going to use the bathroom, but I got curious. I'll control myself better this time." he says innocently.

[Ionbound]

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

Tanya sighs and says to Sharps, "So...No keys around here...You said clown-things, right? Is there somewhere we've gone that I didn't look at one?"

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

"Well, so long as you're sorry," the giant virus replies. "Just try not to let it happen again. Though in brighter news, the only parasites left it a pancreas, a skeleton, a muscular system, a peripheral nervous system, and of course that pesky skin. They tend to be the most difficult parasites to remove, but rest assured after your next surgery you'll be parasite free and back to your old self!"

Isn't that just great?

"Oh! And one more thing. I apologize it took so long, but a call nurse button has been installed on your bed there," the virus points at a smallish metal box with a big red button on it. "So you can call one of our helpful medical professionals in case you need anything!"

Like being stabbed to death?

Is being stabbed to death something Will needs?

"Now then, Mister Precipice. Is there anything else I can help you with before I go?"

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

"Well... I guess we didn't really look around in that intestine's room at all," Sharps admits. "There might have been something hidden in that. But the intestine would probably be really upset if we started snooping around her room."

A beat.

"I... umm... I could give her a sedative injection...? Maybe?"

It sounds like Sharps really doesn't like that idea. But he's still offering.

[Ionbound]

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

Tanya shrugs and says, "That seems like a good last resort. But let me check something first. I think there might be a key under the stool in the waiting room." And so she makes her way back to said room, stealthily looking inside first to check for nerses, and then, if there isn't one, picks up the clown-stool and flips it over, searching it for a key, or switch, or any hidden secret.

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Will blinks.
"Wait, does that mean you pulled out my brain? How am I even-nevermind. Uh, do you have a pen I could borrow? I wanted to leave a note for myself for later but I didn't have anything I could do it with." he asks.

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

"Ha ha ha!" the virus laughs with totally fake sounding mirth. "Oh, you're such a kidder, Mister Precipice! We'll be separating you from the rest of the parasites last. If we had simply removed you while they were all still stuck together it might have been catastrophic! They may be parasites, but even parasites deserve a chance to learn to live on their own."

It... sounds like Doctor Ebola is saying that Will is the brain.

But that really isn't so different from reality, is it?

At least they don't think it was his liver that was doing the thinking.

"A pen? Hmm... let me see... ah, here we are!" he says as he pulls out a large thumb tack. "Just what the doctor ordered!"

...

A push pen isn't exactly what Will is interested in...

What does Will do?

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

Back to the waiting room!

Sharps is more than happy to flee so he can breath without feeling nauseated again.

On the bottom of the stool Tanya finds-! Stool legs. However, one of the legs looks distinctly as though it could be unscrewed. Should she remove it she'll find an old-fashioned looking brass key inside! Score!

Sharps frowns at it. "That doesn't really look like the sort of key that would go to a fleshy door. But... lots of things in this Hospital don't make much sense," he admits.

What does Tanya do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Actually, referring to him as the brain is at least somewhat reasonable. At the very least they didn't think 'he' was some quasi-real spirit thing. Will has no interest in being a floating brain though. Although it looks like he'll still have a body if that happens, as weird as it is. Will can definitely settle with being fuzzy if the alternatives are being dead or a disembodied brain. Hoo boy are those some options.

"I'd meant the kind with ink. Like, a marker or something? It's okay, it was just an idle thought." he says to the doctor.

[Beans]

[Vinose Woods]

It's going to be hard to go to ground and hide in the woods without even knowing a lick of fieldcraft. But if Ally manages to get out of sight of the bandits, she'll manage all right. Yup, safe and sound, all alone... in a foreign world... without knowing anything about where she is... Well, ****.

Carrie, on the other hand, knows very well how to do that thing with the not dying in the woods. And running in the woods. Hell, this is almost tailor-made for her. Throw in a torch and pitchfork and shotgun and it's just like old times.
Absolutely terrible old times that she still has bad dreams about.

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

What about being a dead disembodied spirit?

"Ah, sorry, I don't think I have any of those with me," the virus-doctor replies apologetically. "If you like, you could buzz a nurse to get you one! That's what the button is for after all. They have plenty of them over in the nurses' station. I'm sure you probably noticed a few before you were stabbed to death."

Isn't that just cheerful?

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some more surgeries to attend to. After all, homeopathic laser eye surgery won't do itself!"

...how would that even work?

The virus once again departs, leaving Will alone to come to terms with his situation.

What does Will do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Will sighs and hops out of bed, and tries to get acclimated with his current, now solid body-suit. At the very least the foot-paws should make walking around barefoot more bearable. And somehow he's okay with the tail. It's not that big, and thin, so it shouldn't get in the way. He gives his wings an experimental pump, and finds that they do have some lift. He's not comfortable at all with his feet being off the ground, but it's nice to know if there's some deathtrap involving the floor collapsing he might actually live.

After that Will will rummage through the drawers again. It takes him some fiddling though, since now he has to deal with his hands being paws, though at least they're rather dexterous ones.

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

There's no reason why Will should be able to fly with those wings.

But he can.

To the cupboards!

The first one contains that disgusting coffee machine again. It's just as repulsive as it was the first time around. The second one is full of dried apricots. Well... if he's hungry he's got something now. Certainly beats getting murdered over and over again trying to score a candy bar from the vending machine. The last one is holding an empty blood transfusion bag.

Not a bad haul at all!

The tire is still in the middle of his floor and the tire iron is still attached to it.

At least some things remain consistent.

What does Will do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Will takes the iron and bag and sticks them in his tote bag, which he abruptly realizes he still has. He'll also take an apricot and give it a sniff before taking a bite. He might not have stomach, but that means he can't choke if it turns out he can't swallow it. And he wants to enjoy having teeth while he can, just in case....

After that, assuming it doesn't kill him, he'll pay Paranoia a visit. Really he's going to the bathroom, but he can't really do that without saying hello to his 'friend.'

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

The pack stacks up with the other empty pack in one of Will's inventory slots. The tire iron, of course, fits in all by its lonesome. And the apricot smells and tastes just fine. Will chews it. He can taste it. He can feel saliva being produced. He can feel the food goin' down when he swallows. All that in spite of the fact that none of it should be possible since all those organs are gone.

Save the teeth.

Maybe his weird see-through body has non-organs of its own that serve the same general purpose?

This Dreamlands stuff sure is weird...

Paranoia is busy stacking some new cans of creamed corn! Wonder where he got those? When Will enters the room the creature's smaller head spots him and begins whispering to the larger, shortly followed by the thing glancing back at him. "Oh! There you are again. I saw that one of the nurses got you. Told you that would happen. But at least you're looking a little better now. So long that nurse is in the nurses' station there's no way you're getting past, assuming you still want to try escaping to Nowhere."

What does Will do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful

Will shrugs. "I'll figure it out. Like I said, nothing to lose. Especially since according to them I ought to get everything pulled out ASAP possible. I don't even know why they're doing it in pieces if they think that. Not complaining.
Say Paranoia, how do you eat anything when you have that mask-thing on? Do you take it off? Oh, and do you have a pen?"

asks Will.

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

"I'm not sure why they do it that way either," Paranoia admits. "But I have a few ideas...." he glances back and forth furtively, his main head glancing in one direction while his smaller head looks in the other. "They're mind-washing the organs, but they can only do a few at a time."

It all makes sense now.

What a conspiracy!

When asked about his mask Paranoia seems... confused?

"I... I'm not sure what you mean?" he replies before leaning back slightly and holy ****! A bottom jaw swings open, revealing jagged teeth that couldn't possibly fit in there, stringy saliva stretching between them and an unnatural long, almost tendril like tongue. The monster's throat looks like a bottomless abyss of gloomy, hungry darkness. A few moments later Paranoia closes his mouth. "The mask has a mouth built in. I'm sure you'll remember once you get your own mask back."

Everything will be all better then!

"I don't have a pen, but I do have a piece of charcoal I found," Paranoia replies. "Finding things to write with around here is really hard, so be sure to give it back when you're done, okay?"

What does Will do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Will visible recoils at that. Holy stuff that is freaky! But...he shouldn't try to make Paranoia feel bad about himself.
At the rate Will is going, he probably will be dealing with that soon. But no, happy thoughts!

Will marks his name on the inside of the tote bag, and on the gloves. He doesn't have anything else to mark.
"Yeah, I noticed. Dammit, I had a pen but I lost it. How frustrating. Anyway, thanks again Paranoia." says Will, giving him back the coal and strolling into the bathroom. He had the idea that maybe if he can get some water into the sink he could see his reflection. And maybe he should shower, even if he'll be dripping for ages. Hrm. Maybe.

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

Paranoia's smaller head glowers at Will due to his reaction, but Paranoia himself doesn't seem to notice. The creature doesn't react negatively or anything, thanking Will when he gets his piece of charcoal back.

A shower would actually be really refreshing, even if it WOULD mean that Will will end up being all soggy and smelling like wet... whatever he is.

Do wet phobias smell weird?

He'll probably find out soon.

As he walks into the bathroom he'll likely notice something new that wasn't there before. Something that might be a little... jarring.

There's some sort of disgusting looking, hairless goblin-like creature that has been nailed to the wall with surgical pins. It looks like it has been dead for a while, judging from all the medical maggots chewing at it. One can tell that they're medical maggots since they're all wearing tiny reflective doctor thingies on their heads. Written above it in blood from the shower is a message.

There is no escape.

What does Will do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Poor Will stiffens and sprints back into the room, panting heavily.
"Paranoia why is there a dead guy in your bathroom?!" he says in near-panic.

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

Technically the bathroom is supposed to be for both of them. Also for any other patients near the nurses' station. The way that rooms are chained together in this Hospital is really weird.

But hardly the weirdest thing about the place.

"W-what?" Paranoia replies before hurrying off to the bathroom to see for himself. Will is going to hear a rather distinct gagging noise from the bathroom. "Oh gross..." the nauseated looking personality disorder laments. "Someone pinned one of those disgusting things they put in the meatloaf to the wall. Why would someone do that? I'm going to call a nurse and have them take it down. You had better not let them see you."

...

That's what they make meatloaf out of?

What is WRONG with this place?

And what does Will do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Will grudgingly nods- but then he has an idea! He'll go into the stall next to the one with the door. When the nurse comes in to talk to Paranoia and get rid of the body, he'll sneak into the waiting room! It's not a perfect plan, but it's a plausible plan, and that's all he has going for him at this point.

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

Sneaky sneaky!

Will hears the medical curtain pushed aside and the other bathroom stall door opened and then closed. Should he peek under the stall he might even get a glimpse of flimsy red plastic feet bulging with needles, razor blades, and scalpel blades. The thing moves silently despite being a sack full of dirty metal, moving off into Paranoia's room to, well. Not talk to him. None of the nurses talk. Listen to him, then.

Which means Will has a few minutes at most to crawl under the wall of the stall and scamper to his destination.

What does Will do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Will does exactly that. In theory he could just open the stall door, but he doesn't want to risk making noise. So under the divider he goes, hopefully straight into the waiting room.

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

And thus Will crawls toward freedom!

The waiting room isn't empty this time around. In one of the chairs is a huge pair of eyes attached to a chunk of giant visual cortex, though the rest of the brain is missing. The eyes are also covered in disgusting pink slime streaked with yellow pus.

It must have pink-eye.

The creature watches Will scamper over to the northern door in the waiting room and asks a question of him... somehow. "Aren't you a little tall for an anxiety monster?"

That's pretty good point! Should he think about it, Will may realize that he is in fact way taller than he should be. A normal height for him would be under four feet, not counting his huge ears. Maybe the doctors will fix that for him soon?

Either way, the northern door stands before him looking like, well, a door. One of those metal doors with a horizontal push-bar on it. Nothing particularly unusual or exciting.

What does Will do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Will frowns.
"I'm as tall as I ought to be." he says quietly, shaking the stray thoughts of being shorter from his head. If he feels weird it's this place's fault.

Will goes over to the northern door, although he's very careful this time to be ready to react to flying blades or other traps.

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

There aren't any obvious slots for murder devices to come flying out of, so it LOOKS like it should be safe...

Will pushes the door open and finds a long, straight hallway on the other side lined with doors. It looks... pretty much exactly like what a normal hallway in a hospital should look like. Pleasant lighting, little signs showing room number ranges, a fine extinguisher in an alcove, tiled floors, and that distinctive hospital smell. Each of the doors have... number ranges written on them? Okay, that's a little different.

There's another door at the opposite end of the hall that looks quite different from all the rest. It's a huge blast door with an idealized picture of an embryo on it spray painted in red. Next to the door is a little console that looks like it accepts key cards.

Locked, maybe?

Hopefully he won't have to get a key from one of the nurses...

That would be bad.

What does Will do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

This place seems normal.
Clearly Will is in more danger than he has ever been in before.

Will goes over to check the console. Maybe if he's lucky it will have some instructions besides just having a card slot?

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

The console is one of those old things with a black and green screen. Presently it's displaying a numbered list of different types of pies.

...that isn't very helpful.

There's a number pad and an enter key attached to it.

Maybe Will can use it to order some pie?

What does Will do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Okay! Next Will checks the doors. How many rooms, and what are the numbers printed on them? Maybe the rooms coincide with the combination? Wouldn't be the stupidest thing he'd ever heard.

[Fenric]

Oryza Biological Products

Caravan nods "Will you be doing installation yourself, or will I have to find someone to do it? Also, could you mark ideal items as well? My organization is extensive enough that finding ideals isn't so difficult. If you've included a series of effective requirements, I might be able to find some more fitting items to add onto this chart."

Kylee nods: reasonable questions

The Master List is the preferred selections, so if you can get those, great! Many of the products come with professional services included in their pricing and will be installed by the respective company's own staff. The core network components will be handled by our networking contractor with whom we are very comfortable.

I'll get you a list of the stuff that doesn't fit in either group... there are a couple, like the terminal server. And I've got a requirements document that we put together which is what I used to build the list. Let me send you that...

Shortly after, Caravan's tablet goes *bing* and shows the new mail icon.

Tavlii wonders if that organization of titles makes sense only to 6th dimensional beings, only to bureaucrats, or not even that much. It certainly doesn't make sense to her.

So she just smiles back.
"Sounds good to me. What do I most need to know, then?"

DERP . Nope, that's my fault for losing track of stuff. So, like we discussed in chat: Inari has bank-style titles, meaning that Liu is a Managing Director, not just Director. He reports to a Senior Managing Director, who has an Executive Managing Director, who finally reports to the President.

This diversion brought to you by the letter "D"

Liu smiles

Most important: we're not in Field Operations. This isn't a religion, we don't work with souls or magic or Messengers or other attendant nonsense. Yeah, they're there, and sometimes you can't quite escape it, but it's Somebody Else's Problem - not ours.

To put it in simple terms: we have a catalog of designs, some of which are a little rough around the edges and we're starting to fall behind in our competitive edge. If we don't want someone else stealing our business, then we need to start bringing new things to the table and that soon.

We are a genetic engineering design and prototype shop, plain and simple. You'll hear the boss go all sappy and stuff but you won't hear that from me, I don't do PR. I wanted to bring on some people who didn't grow up in Inari's narrow focus, and that's why you're here. I also think we need to be a little more aggressive in promoting our prototyping services, which means that sometimes we're going to have organisms that didn't quite work out - the super tight focus on never letting that happen is restrictive

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

The numbers on the door range from one to five hundred. Upon opening the first door Will discovers that they don't lead to rooms at all, instead each one of them contains a little pull-out box with a number on it. Inside the boxes are personal belongings.

Wallets. Cell phones. Watches. Jewelery. Little collections of coins. Some colorful rocks. A crumpled up receipt.

All things that one might reasonably expect a person to have on them when they were wandering about and suddenly abducted.

And then dumped in an Awful Hospital.

These are all the things that the victims of this terrible place had taken from them before they were dropped into a room with nothing but a dirty hospital gown.

These are all that remains of all those former lives.

What does Will do?