List of Mostly Useless Magic Items

[JAL_1138]

Oh, man. That's a good one.

The mind boggles, when you consider th possibilities:

French Toast?
Hamburgers?
Danish?
Portuguese man'o'war?
Pole?

Polish sausage?

10-ft Pole: A wooden carving of a Hussar, elongated to 10ft long but only 1.5" in diameter. When used to prod something, will angrily state "Ojej! To boli! Przestań to robić!"

[Mrmox42]

Roman Candle?
Scotch Tape?
Brazilian?

Oh, my.

[Lord Torath]

...hold it in front of you so it conceals the fact that you have a hand crossbow in your other hand, shoot through one of the invisible holes. Sneak Attack (at least on the first attempt) and/or Surprise?

Not bad, if you can find the holes yourself

Once you locate them (out of combat), mark them with paint on the back side of the shield.

Bottle of Emptyness: A magical bottle, that will always be empty, no matter what you put in it. If you pour liquid, of any form, into it, the liquid will vanish instantly. This also holds true with other things, such as rolls of parchment, worms, small lizards and the like.
If the bottle is broken, there will be a very small gust of wind (enough to ruffle peoples hair) emanating from it.

And into the ocean to ruin a perfectly good pirate campaign. suddenly it's resembling a tank girl campaign.

And that's how Athas was made.

The Earth has 332,500,000 cubic miles of water. That works out to 366 121 451 520 000 000 000 gallons. Assuming your bottle has an opening and maximum flow rate similar to a Decanter of Endless Water (30 gal/round), it would take 1.5 x 10¹³ rounds to drain all of that. In 6-second rounds, that's 2,862,000 years. In 10-second rounds, that's 4,769,000 years. In 1-minute rounds, that's 28,620,000 years. You'll need to wait a long time. Your specific fantasy world may vary, of course.

I've always liked the Anti-Vermin Bedroll. It repels all bugs, insects, and other vermin of 2 hp or less.

[JAL_1138]

Once you locate them (out of combat), mark them with paint on the back side of the shield.

The Earth has 332,500,000 cubic miles of water. That works out to 366 121 451 520 000 000 000 gallons. Assuming your bottle has an opening and maximum flow rate similar to a Decanter of Endless Water (30 gal/round), it would take 1.5 x 10¹³ rounds to drain all of that. In 6-second rounds, that's 2,862,000 years. In 10-second rounds, that's 4,769,000 years. In 1-minute rounds, that's 28,620,000 years. You'll need to wait a long time. Your specific fantasy world may vary, of course.

I've always liked the Anti-Vermin Bedroll. It repels all bugs, insects, and other vermin of 2 hp or less.

The antivermin bedroll is the ultimate defense against Creeping Doom, a 2e Priest spell that summoned a swarm of 1,000 1hp, 1-damage autohitting insects.

[Wartex1]

The antivermin bedroll is the ultimate defense against Creeping Doom, a 2e Priest spell that summoned a swarm of 1,000 1hp, 1-damage autohitting insects.

There's the 3.5e Epic Spell "Crown of Vermin" as well.

[JAL_1138]

There's the 3.5e Epic Spell "Crown of Vermin" as well.

Creeping Doom wasn't epic level in 2nd. It was a 7th level spell (priests capped at 7th level spells, though those were often the equivalent or occasionally the exact same spell as 9th-level wizard spells).

It moved slowly and could be instantly destroyed by practically any AoE on either the priest or wizard list so it wasn't nearly as effective as it looked, but it existed.

I wasn't much of a 3.5 player; what did Crown of Vermin do?

[Chadamantium]

Pretty much a 10' radius of insects surrounds you and does damage to creatures that enter the radius before dying off. It was an epic level spell and i think they bypassed almost, if not all damage reduction.

Staff of Balancing: This simple wooden staff will always rise to stand on one of its ends. It takes one round for the staff to move from the laying position to the standing position unless held down by a creature with a strength of 18 or such a creature's heavy load.

[Easy_Lee]

Movable Rod
This looks just like a famed immovable rod. Say the magic word, and it will freeze in place exactly the way an immovable rod would. But if a creature exerts force on it, it will move in exactly the way an immovable rod wouldn't. It does not respond to environmental effects, but will give way to even the slightest touch of any creature.

[JAL_1138]

Movable Rod
This looks just like a famed immovable rod. Say the magic word, and it will freeze in place exactly the way an immovable rod would. But if a creature exerts force on it, it will move in exactly the way an immovable rod wouldn't. It does not respond to environmental effects, but will give way to even the slightest touch of any creature.

...could be the ultimate tripwire, perhaps, if it's only creatures (rather than, say, supporting a massive inanimate weight) that triggers it.

[JAL_1138]

Pretty much a 10' radius of insects surrounds you and does damage to creatures that enter the radius before dying off. It was an epic level spell and i think they bypassed almost, if not all damage reduction.

Staff of Balancing: This simple wooden staff will always rise to stand on one of its ends. It takes one round for the staff to move from the laying position to the standing position unless held down by a creature with a strength of 18 or such a creature's heavy load.

Creeping Doom was a movable swarm, rather than surrounding the caster, and didn't bypass immunities iirc. Otherwise very similar.

[Mrmox42]

Ioun Stone of Dizzyness: A small magic piece of rock, that behaves like other Ioun Stones (i.e. spins around the user’s head). This Stone is cursed, however, and cause slight but constant dizzyness on the user. This gives the poor fool a -1 on all die-rolls that involves movement, coordination and/or thought. Yes, this means attempts to hit people in combat, too.
The Ioun Stone of Dizzyness can only be removed with the application of a Remove Curse Spell.

[braveheart]

The bottomless bucket
A bucket that can hold infinite quantities of fluid, but maintains the weight of the contained fluids. (Drop into the bottom of the ocean to drain it... eventually, it's going to take a really long time, potentially could be found at the bottom of a dry lakebed

[dragsvart]

Belt of Giant Girth: the wearer of this belt's weight is increased to triple its normal. while in this state the wearer's movement is decreased by half and all damage taken as a result of the wearer falling on another creature is doubled. optionally: require casting of remove curse to remove this belt

[JAL_1138]

Ever-ready pipe: An antique, well-worn and finely-carved long-stemmed meerschaum pipe, with an amber mouthpiece. The pipe refills with excellent-quality tobacco which is packed to the perfect density to produce a smooth draw and lights itself evenly whenever the command word is spoken by the user, and cleans itself thoroughly when emptied. It is virtually unbreakable. The words "To My Faithful Assistant And Dearest Friend—May Your Days Be Peaceful And Your Pipe Be Full. —M." are carved into the stem in Common.

[Talcan]

Ok this one has been inspired by Whibla after i got caught up in the "Riddles of the Sphinx" thread.
The Broach of Pedantry:
This cursed amulet confers a +2 to perception checks... but only for minor details, such as this item. It is clearly an amulet but it's named The Broach of Pedantry.
The wearer of this amulet is compelled to explain to everyone they talk to about the details of this amulet. This cursed item may not be removed by anyone unwilling to wear it.

Incribed on the back is "Pedantry, it's a curse. Sorry!" - Whibla

[JAL_1138]

Ok this one has been inspired by Whibla after i got caught up in the "Riddles of the Sphinx" thread.
The Broach of Pedantry:
This cursed amulet confers a +2 to perception checks... but only for minor details, such as this item. It is clearly an amulet but it's named The Broach of Pedantry.
The wearer of this amulet is compelled to explain to everyone they talk to about the details of this amulet. This cursed item may not be removed by anyone unwilling to wear it.

Incribed on the back is "Pedantry, it's a curse. Sorry!" - Whibla

I think I have this IRL, but it's invisible and ethereal.

[whibla]

Ok this one has been inspired by Whibla after i got caught up in the "Riddles of the Sphinx" thread.
The Broach of Pedantry:
This cursed amulet confers a +2 to perception checks... but only for minor details, such as this item. It is clearly an amulet but it's named The Broach of Pedantry.
The wearer of this amulet is compelled to explain to everyone they talk to about the details of this amulet. This cursed item may not be removed by anyone unwilling to wear it.

Incribed on the back is "Pedantry, it's a curse. Sorry!" - Whibla

Dare I broach the subject of spelling, when it comes to items of jewlery, I wonder?

And, thanks, this did make me chuckle...

[Talcan]

Brooch... well i will admit spelling has never been my strong suit... but I try from time to time. Anyway gald you liked it Whibla!

[Wartex1]

Why not a Pendant of Pedantry?
Or Pendantric Amulet?

[JAL_1138]

Murlynd's Phial: A small phial with a narrow opening designed to permit only a small amount of the liquid within to be poured out at any one time. The phial has a paper label with a picture of a rooster and an elongated red fruit or vegetable on it and the words "A Little Drop Will Do." The phial is filled with a thick reddish-orange liquid which makes one's mouth feel as though it has been set aflame (and causes severe irritation to the eyes should it come in contact with them), although it causes no lasting harm. No matter how much of the liquid is poured out, the phial remains full. Serves mainly to make the gruel produced by Murlynd's Spoon taste vaguely appealing. The user may find the liquid mildly addictive (25% cumulative chance) and begin placing it on nearly all savory dishes, finding them bland and unappealing without it.

[JAL_1138]

Wand of Limited Magic Missile: Casts exactly one magic missile per charge. Not one casting of the spell; one dart (1d4+1 damage). Only one charge may be expended at a time. The wand has 1d3 charges and recovers 1d3-1 (potentially 0) charges per long rest, and has a 5% chance to crumble to dust if the last charge is expended.

Wand of Orcus: Creates a small ceramic idol of Orcus.

Wand of Frost: Creates a piece of paper upon which is written a random piece of poetry by Robert Frost.

[Easy_Lee]

Here's a classic from Dwarf Fortress, D&D-ified.

Planepacked
This small, handheld statue is made from Limestone, Gypsum, Native platinum, Magnetite, Limonite and Malachite, and is decorated with cave lobster shell and dog leather and encircled with bands of Limestone, Gypsum, Magnetite, Native gold, Malachite, Limonite and Oak.

On the item is an image of an elven wizard with bushy eyebrows destroying a famed psionist.

On the item is an image of an Elvish captain held in a cage while a human wizard kills him from the other side of the bars.

On the item is the image of a small girl repeatedly saying "please do not take these items" and "no."

On the item is the image of a gazebo come to life devouring a hapless adventurer.

On the item is the image of a town overrun with snakes and rats. The townsfolk are all dead.

On the item is the image of a bear wearing fine clothing. He stands upright and is attending a high-class party.

On the item is the image of a robed man with a strange symbol on his hand falling from a great height into an orc encampment.

On the item is the image of a head sitting upon a pedestal. The words "Head of Vecna" are poorly scribbled on a board which leans against the pedestal.

On the item is the image of a paladin fighting an orc warlord. The paladin has somehow managed to swing his sword in such a way as to decapitate both himself and his adversary.

This artifact does not seem large enough to hold all of these images. Examining the artifact too closely, in an attempt to see how the thing works, causes a duplicate to spring into existence in the nearest unoccupied space.

[Mrmox42]

Ever-ready pipe

This is probably one of the most useful items ever. In a non-munchkin kind of way, of course.

[JAL_1138]

This is probably one of the most useful items ever. In a non-munchkin kind of way, of course.

I'd love to have one.

Even if you don't smoke, it's not completely useless (firestarter--say the command word to light it, use the tobacco to start a fire)

I can think of exactly one "munchkin" use, though: "remote detonator."

[Mrmox42]

On the item is the image of a gazebo come to life devouring a hapless adventurer

Gazebos are the worst monsters. Poor Eric

[Mrmox42]

Bird of Brothers: This somewhat charismatic magic parrot will, after attunement, sit on it’s users shoulder and continuosly speak raw and salty sailor-ish banter.
This will give the user a +2 on all Charisma-based skill checks, when these are used to influence sailors.
All others (non-sailors) considers the Bird of Brothers to be coarse and rude, and this will give the user a -2 on all Charisma-based skill checks, when used on them.
You can make the Bird shut up for about 10 minutes a day by feeding it, and it will sleep at night for precisely 6 hours, after which it start talking again.
When the bird is awake and not feeding, it is impossible to Move Silently while carrying it, and Hiding may be problematic as well.

[kaoskonfety]

Home of Small Comforts - this 3 bedroom, 2 story cottage with a finished root cellar is 3 days travel from the nearest small town and in terrain too rocky to farm on a large scale but with a lovely view of a nearby lake. Upon entering the home up to 6 humanoids are subject to an effect that prevents discomfort due to temperature change between the ranges of -40 and 200 F (aprox -40 and 95 C). The home is also under the effect of a permanent cantrip and mending effects that cleans and orders the house in small ways (minor stain removal, paint chip and roofing repair and cleaning, self cleaning outhouse, cannot move items over 1 lb in weight or fix structural damage).

Whenever a the home has only a single occupant there is a 10% chance per night (increasing by 10% per year since the house last "vanished" someone) of them vanishing without a trace. When this occurs all damage to the house is repaired and the chance of 'vanishing" is reset to 0% (rising back to 10% in one year).

No known magic has been able to discern the fate of those that disappear.

It is a VERY nice house.

[JAL_1138]

with a lovely view of a nearby lake.

This will end badly...

Whenever a the home has only a single occupant there is a 10% chance per night (increasing by 10% per year since the house last "vanished" someone) of them vanishing without a trace. When this occurs all damage to the house is repaired and the chance of 'vanishing" is reset to 0% (rising back to 10% in one year).

No known magic has been able to discern the fate of those that disappear.

I knew it.

And people say I'm paranoid about water in D&D.

[kaoskonfety]

This will end badly...



I knew it.

And people say I'm paranoid about water in D&D.

I'm torn on "Soul Eating Lich Artefact", "Aboeth plan than needs mortal souls" or some kinda semi-epic mimic for plot/game uses.

[JAL_1138]

I'm torn on "Soul Eating Lich Artefact", "Aboeth plan than needs mortal souls" or some kinda semi-epic mimic for plot/game uses.

All three. The lich made the house his phylactery, then transformed it into a mimic-like entity to harvest souls for him. The aboleth is siphoning away some of the souls without the lich's knowledge for its own purposes.