List of Mostly Useless Magic Items

[Mrmox42]

Pointed Stick of Mammoth Slaying: A (very) ancient magical Improvised Weapon +0, that acts as a +3 Spear of Mammoth Slaying (Mammoth must make a DC 18 CON save or take quadruple damage) when used against Mammoths.

Wooly Rhinos doesn’t count.
Modern elephants doesn’t, either.
Saber-toothed Cats are right out.

[Joe the Rat]

Pointed Stick of Mammoth Slaying: A (very) ancient magical Improvised Weapon +0, that acts as a +3 Spear of Mammoth Slaying (Mammoth must make a DC 18 CON save or take quadruple damage) when used against Mammoths.

Wooly Rhinos doesn’t count.
Modern elephants doesn’t, either.
Saber-toothed Cats are right out.

Mastodons only take double damage.

[kaoskonfety]

Mastodons only take double damage.

dire mammoths? - nope
Were-mammoths? - heck no
anything polymorphed into a Mammoth? you'd think so, but nope.

[twas_Brillig]

Immaculate Tankard: While appearing to be in all ways a normal carved, wooden mug, the Immaculate Tankard has several unique properties. First, the contents of the tankard will never spill accidentally. Second, it never needs to be cleaned of mundane filth. Third, whosoever drinks from the Tankard will never find themselves indelicately straining for the last dregs at its bottom. Finally, the Tankard is magical and as durable as adamantine, but still only deals damage as a normal wooden mug.

[Princess]

Immaculate Tankard: While appearing to be in all ways a normal carved, wooden mug, the Immaculate Tankard has several unique properties. First, the contents of the tankard will never spill accidentally. Second, it never needs to be cleaned of mundane filth. Third, whosoever drinks from the Tankard will never find themselves indelicately straining for the last dregs at its bottom. Finally, the Tankard is magical and as durable as adamantine, but still only deals damage as a normal wooden mug.

THE Immaculate Tankard, prized artifact of the dwarven kings!?

I'm using this the next time I run a game with both magic and alcohol in it - might make an Immaculate Shotglass for a modern sorcery game ;)

[Thisguy_]

Feather of Leaping - Unfortunately offers no protection against the inevitable fall.

Tristadecaphobe's Lute - Can be used (as a wand) to inflict a fear effect upon everyone who can hear it within 13'. Comes with 1d3 charges, and recharges on a 1 or 3 on a 1d3 in the morning. When it runs out of charges, there is a 1 in 3 chance of it breaking.

Book of Sage Advice - Reading this mystic manual grants the reader a permanent increase in their knowledge about sage and its use in cooking.

See Chart - An enchanted map, it looks different to anyone who reads it. The map shows anyone who looks upon it an image depicting the area that they can see, from a bird's-eye view, as if it were drawn upon by a cartographer. It uses the most appropriate color key and style to depict the area's topography. The map itself is marked upon the image as a caricature of a map.

[Mrmox42]

Immaculate Tankard: While appearing to be in all ways a normal carved, wooden mug, the Immaculate Tankard has several unique properties. First, the contents of the tankard will never spill accidentally. Second, it never needs to be cleaned of mundane filth. Third, whosoever drinks from the Tankard will never find themselves indelicately straining for the last dregs at its bottom. Finally, the Tankard is magical and as durable as adamantine, but still only deals damage as a normal wooden mug.

This item is of a very special kind. If magic items had existed in the real world, I believe that this would be one of the most produced, because of its simple, everyday attributes.
Brilliant item.

[Zehridamus]

@Zehridamus: So...bad hotel stay?

One may be inclined to believe, yes. Figured there had to be some kind of black magic going on ;)

[Zehridamus]

As I understand the album, and the song, it was a metaphor for the music industry in LA as seen through the eyes of the singer songwriters in the band.

http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/4793/

FWIW

I agree. Except this happens to be a metaphor regarding the quality of certain buildings of guest accomodation upon the western coast of the United States. Or a curse, as stated before. Whichever sounds better.

[Chadamantium]

Gloves of the Artdefacer These gloves, when attuned to the wearer, allow the user to touch a painting or writing with their full hand and smudge everything under their hand. Where the palm was placed, a caricature or signature can be placed on the artwork/parchment. This has to be drawn onto the palm at dawn of that morning.

Attunement: while wearing the gloves, the attuner must ruin a peice of art with no less than 12 witnesses

[JoeJ]

Marginal Prophet Guide : A holy text that details how to turn anything into profit in four simple steps but the book is missing the third step in any endeavor

The gnomish version consists of only three steps, the second of which is missing.

I'll also add:

Telepathic Compass: This navigational device unerringly points in whichever direction the user believes is north. If the user has absolutely no idea, the arrow spins in a circle.

Dog of Cheerful Helping: (requires attunement). Once attuned, whenever the owner is engaged in any task whatsoever, the dog "helps" by moving underfoot and wagging its tail. The owner being thus helped must succeed in a DC 15 DEX save or fall prone.

Watchful Hound: When ordered to guard an area, this hound barks a warning if it detects anybody it doesn't recognize. It also barks if it detects anybody it does recognize. Or a deer, a squirrel, a rabbit, a spider, or an odd shaped leaf. After 1d6 x 10 minutes the hound gets bored, curls up beside its owner, and goes to sleep.

Note: The last two might not actually be magical.

[AbyssStalker]

Stake of Vampire Stake-outing: "A wooden dagger with a sharpened point that does 1d4 blunt damage without attune-ment, to attune to the weapon the user must stalk a vampire for 8 hours, the dagger stays attuned for 6 seconds as long as a distance of within 5 ft of the vampire is maintained, on a successful melee attack targeting a sleeping vampire the creature is killed outright. If a group of people attune to daggers and arrange themselves in a circular pattern around the sleeping vampire, each gains advantage on any attacks made on the sleeping vampire"

[Thisguy_]

I thought your edit reason read "Puncturation mistake." An opportunity lost, I'm afraid; it would have been funny.

Book of Rulings - A magical book which can be consulted when two laws seem to contradict. It can be used at any time, without expending resources, and is immune to all forms of language barrier (and can, indeed, speak, perform gestures, emit scents, and what have you all as needed to communicate with any sentient life). When using the book to make rulings wherein two laws, statutes, or other forms of legislation applicable to the user are contradictory, roll a 1d4, and flip a coin. Then consult the following tables.

On a die result of...
1 - The book produces a technically correct interpretation, which falls more or less within the realm of sense.
2 - The book produces a technically correct interpretation that, for no apparent reason, heavily contradicts common sense.
3 - The book produces an optional piece of additional legislation which it will refer to as "errata" in order to correct the conflicting legislative material. Implementation of the piece of legislation is optional and not magically enforced, but the book will heavily recommend it.
4 - The book insists that the laws as written are not in contradiction, regardless of whether this is true. If it is true, the book will explain how so, citing esoteric sources if needed for the sake of clarity.

On a coin result of...
Heads - Everyone is satisfied, with the exception of particularly contradictory people.
Tails - Nobody is satisfied, but the book will refuse to offer a different response for 1d20 years.

Thereafter and regardless of all above results, through magical influence not exuded by the book itself or from any identifiable source, there is a 50% chance that bringing up either conflicting piece of legislation or the result produced by the book in conversation will spark heated argument by parties involved in that conversation.

[Mrmox42]

Telepathic Compass: This navigational device unerringly points in whichever direction the user believes is north. If the user has absolutely no idea, the arrow spins in a circle.

Brilliant. Very, very useless, unless the user has a good sense of direction or can see the North Star, in which case it is redundant.
Love it.

[JAL_1138]

Dog of Cheerful Helping: (requires attunement). Once attuned, whenever the owner is engaged in any task whatsoever, the dog "helps" by moving underfoot and wagging its tail. The owner being thus helped must succeed in a DC 15 DEX save or fall prone.

Watchful Hound: When ordered to guard an area, this hound barks a warning if it detects anybody it doesn't recognize. It also barks if it detects anybody it does recognize. Or a deer, a squirrel, a rabbit, a spider, or an odd shaped leaf. After 1d6 x 10 minutes the hound gets bored, curls up beside its owner, and goes to sleep.

Note: The last two might not actually be magical.

You have apparently met my family's dogs.

[Mrmox42]

Rock of Reproduction: A very ancient magic item, made by some of the very first human shamans. The Rock appears to by a normal, baseball-sized rock. It can be thrown as an Improvised Weapon, if you want to.
After attunement, you can ceremoniously (deep and serious humming, thumping on your chest and prostrating yourself in front of the Rock for 10 minutes) place the Rock on the ground.
At next sunrise, you will find a new (non-magical but otherwise identical) rock next to the Rock.

[Princess]

Telepathic Compass: This navigational device unerringly points in whichever direction the user believes is north. If the user has absolutely no idea, the arrow spins in a circle.

Even better:

Manual Telepathic Compass: This compass is enchanted with magic that allows it to read the minds of any nearby beings, specifically to discern which way they believe is true north. It cannot, however, move on its own, and the user must manually re-aim the arrow inside northward.

...it might not actually be enchanted.

[twas_Brillig]

Mirror of Vanity: A user may invoke this mirror to see themselves from a third-person perspective. The user may freely move their perspective to see themselves from any angle. This view disregards all mundane and magical effects that might impede the user's view (including darkness, natural or magical blindess, illusion, etc.) and works irrespective of whether the user normally casts a reflection. However, the user cannot see anything but themselves while under this effect. The user can stop the effect at any time.

Mirror of Ultimate Vanity: As mirror of vanity, but the user cannot freely end the effect.

Mirror of Broken Things: Legend says the original mirror of broken things was made as a gift to appease a warlord's insatiable taste for destruction. (Legend also says its maker died horribly after presenting the gift.) The mirror reflects a world where all things have been destroyed to the fullest extent. Buildings char and crumble, creatures are maimed and broken, works of art are defiled. Nothing that is not reflected in the mirror may be perceived through it--a shattered wall reveals nothing but an indistinct, reflective glimmer.

Stone sword of sacrifice: This is a +1 stone dagger, shortsword, or longsword. A stone weapon is made from polished flint, obsidian, or other sharp rock, and suffers a -1 penalty on attack and damage rolls. These weapons are ancient, infused with power in rituals of sacrifice to powers long forgotten.

THE Immaculate Tankard, prized artifact of the dwarven kings!?

I'm using this the next time I run a game with both magic and alcohol in it - might make an Immaculate Shotglass for a modern sorcery game ;)

This item is of a very special kind. If magic items had existed in the real world, I believe that this would be one of the most produced, because of its simple, everyday attributes.
Brilliant item.

Eheh. Flatterers.

[EvanescentHero]

Stone sword of sacrifice: This is a +1 stone dagger, shortsword, or longsword. A stone weapon is made from polished flint, obsidian, or other sharp rock, and suffers a -1 penalty on attack and damage rolls. These weapons are ancient, infused with power in rituals of sacrifice to powers long forgotten.

So kinda like a regular weapon then? I like it. A +1 magic item that cancels out its own +1.

[twas_Brillig]

So kinda like a regular weapon then? I like it. A +1 magic item that cancels out its own +1.

Ah, to the untrained eye perhaps. But a true connoisseur of the art will note sundry unique traits making it a worthy addition to any collection.

[JAL_1138]

So kinda like a regular weapon then? I like it. A +1 magic item that cancels out its own +1.

+0 magic weapons are still quite useful in 5e for bypassing resistance/immunity, too.

[Mith]

Great for rust monster hunting.

[EvanescentHero]

+0 magic weapons are still quite useful in 5e for bypassing resistance/immunity, too.

Oh, of course! I just find it funny, that's all.

[DataNinja]

Armour of Plot: This armour stops you from dropping below 1 hit point, until you have a climactic encounter with your arch-enemy, or some other suitably dramatic time.

Unfortunately, the armour is a terrible judge of the dramatic, and thus thinks that everything is acceptable for the sake of a good story.

[JAL_1138]

Armour of Plot: This armour stops you from dropping below 1 hit point, until you have a climactic encounter with your arch-enemy, or some other suitably dramatic time.

Unfortunately, the armour is a terrible judge of the dramatic, and thus thinks that everything is acceptable for the sake of a good story.

Perhaps the armor is a George R. R. Martin fan and thus believes main characters can die at any time, for any reason, under any circumstances.

[Logosloki]

Tauros warhorn. This musical instrument is made from a horn that broke off a longhorn. It has porcelain and gold inlay depicting scenes of bulls entering narrow spaces. Once per short rest the horn will expend a charge to shatter every item made of wood, bone or stone that is worth more than what you can pay within 5ft. It comes with 1d4 charges initially and gains a charge for every item shattered.

[twas_Brillig]

Decanter of Endless Spiders: A heavy jug with a thick stopper. Removing the stopper produces a stream of miniscule, non-magical, non-poisonous spiders. The user has no control of these spiders. Shaking, smacking, and otherwise agitating the Decanter temporarily increases the rate of flow.

[GorinichSerpant]

Mirror of Broken Things: Legend says the original mirror of broken things was made as a gift to appease a warlord's insatiable taste for destruction. (Legend also says its maker died horribly after presenting the gift.) The mirror reflects a world where all things have been destroyed to the fullest extent. Buildings char and crumble, creatures are maimed and broken, works of art are defiled. Nothing that is not reflected in the mirror may be perceived through it--a shattered wall reveals nothing but an indistinct, reflective glimmer.

I imagine an adventure where there were some weird sightings and the PCs' investigation leads them to a man who claims to have seen someone in the mirror, but he looked exactly the same.

Decanter of Endless Spiders: A heavy jug with a thick stopper. Removing the stopper produces a stream of miniscule, non-magical, non-poisonous spiders. The user has no control of these spiders. Shaking, smacking, and otherwise agitating the Decanter temporarily increases the rate of flow.

Take this, a Decanter of Endless Water, a pot and a heat source and you get unlimited spider stew!
What, nobody wants any? Suit yourselves, this is some wonderful grub your missing.

[Mrmox42]

Decanter of Endless Spiders: A heavy jug with a thick stopper. Removing the stopper produces a stream of miniscule, non-magical, non-poisonous spiders. The user has no control of these spiders. Shaking, smacking, and otherwise agitating the Decanter temporarily increases the rate of flow.

Ewwww, nasty. Imagine the capital punishment of the Mfugu Tribe: Death by drowning in a sea of little spiders.

[kaoskonfety]

"Bees? Bees. BEES!" - A wooden plank with a small hook in the back to allow it to be hung, engraved with 3 words (Bees? Bees. BEES!) and several small images of bees around the border. Activates when someone looking at the sign says "Bees?" as a question. At this points the sign will summon 6d6 swarms of angry bees in the nearby area and causes the sign to say "Bees." in a level bored tone. The summon effects ends when someone exclaims "BEES!" within 100' of the sign or once every one near the sign leaves or dies or all the bees are destroyed. At this point the sign can be activated again, summoning more bees. Summoned bees do not grant EXP and vanish when slain.