List of Mostly Useless Magic Items

[metaridley18]

Amulet of Phasing: This plain silver medallion is on a thin chain. When the command word is spoken, the wearer will be able to pass through any matter and force effect, and ignore any magical movement effects that would normally apply to them, such as fly or hold person. It does not, unfortunately, let the wearer ignore gravity.

Amulet of Phrasing: This golden medallion forces the wearer to talk using suggestive innuendo at all times.

[DragonSinged]

Periapt of Edition Confusion
When equipped on your head slot, grants DR 10 vs all sonic damage. Also doubles the duration of Glitterdust spells.

Periapt of System Confusion
Halves the mote cost of any Perfect Defenses, in addition to granting immunity to any shaping effects.

[grub]

Hat of Truth Detection
Has the appearance of a stylish hat with a gem stone adornment which lights up when the wearer is being deceitful. Attuned, cannot be removed until the curse is broken or the wearer is deceased. Once the curse is broken the hat changes appearance.

[Mrmox42]

Hat of Truth Detection
Has the appearance of a stylish hat with a gem stone adornment which lights up when the wearer is being deceitful. Attuned, cannot be removed until the curse is broken or the wearer is deceased. Once the curse is broken the hat changes appearance.

Hmm, useful for interrogation, actually.

Gauntlets of the Mighty Arms of the Dinosaurs: The Wearer of these green and scaly Gauntlets will be affected in the following ways:

1: His mouth grows to enormous proportions, and it is filled with jagged teeth. He can now attack with his Bite, causing 1D12 damage.

2: He grows a tail, from which great spikes protrude. He can make an attack with his tail as a Bonus Action, causing 1D8 damage.

3: He grows scales on his body, giving him a natural AC of 15.

4: He cannot wear any Armor, as his body is now weirdly contorted. He cannot use Helmets, Backpacks, Capes og Cloaks, either.

5: His arms grow tiny and weak – with an effective Strength of 3, and the weight of the Gauntlets cause his arms to hang straight down, being completely useless. The wearer cannot carry anything in his hands. No shields, either.

6: Looking like a monster, the wearer’s Charisma is halved, rounded down.

7: Being affected by all this dinosaurusness, the wearer is now quite daft. His Intelligence is halved, rounded down.

8: Oh yes, since the wearers mouth is very big and full of serrated teeth, he cannot speak or cast spells with Verbal Components. He can only roar. Loudly.

9: This, however, gives the wearer a +4 on Intimidate checks.

[Tvtyrant]

Tooth of the Fairy
This magic tooth is placed in the mouth after the fresh removal of a natural tooth. It then seals itself in place of the old tooth for the next 24 hours. During this time you gain large diaphanous wings which have no capacity to aid the user in any physical manner. At the end of 24 hours the tooth leaves the wielders mouth, and 1d4 gold pieces appear beneath their tongue.

[SiuiS]

Quill of Rage: An ordinary quill that will only write when you scribble in the corner to make sure it is working.

You horrid, wretched, vile thing. Why. Why would you do this? Why.

[Mrmox42]

Quill of Rage: An ordinary quill that will only write when you scribble in the corner to make sure it is working.

We have quite a few BallpointPens of Rage where I work.

[Dhavaer]

Dolphins are highly intelligent sentient beings with communication skills! You cannot eat them!!

Pfft. People say the same thing about halflings, but would you pass up a plump, juicy halfling just because it claimed to be intelligent? Of course not!

[Mrmox42]

Slippers of Sleepwalking: This pair of enchanted footwear activates when put next to you bed or bedroll. When you sleep, these slippers cause you to sit up, and put them on. You will then go sleepwalking.

[Mrmox42]

Frying Pan of Usefulness: This stout piece of Kitchenware was made by a Halfling chef, who was working for a mercenary company that was hired to clear out a forest full of Goblins. As he often found himself in the middle of ambushes, he had the company Wizard help him make this wonderful item.
The Frying Pan of Usefulness can be used in several ways:
If wielded as a weapon, it does 1D3 points of damage, but causes Critical Hits on a 19 or 20.
If used as a Shield, it gives a +1 on Armor Class.
If used as an actual Frying Pan, it cooks a vicious chili con carne.

[Battlebooze]

Cup of Existential Emptiness.
An exquisite flagon of polished brass, decorated with images of nobles drinking at a banquet. Can be filled as easily as any other cup. Unfortunately any attempt to actually drink from the cup will invariably spill the contents all over the holder.

Rock of throwing.
A fist sized rock imbued with ahem, earth power.
Improvised thrown weapon, inflicts 1d2 damage. Looks like it could really hurt. Utterly immune to anti-magic fields!

Rock of throwing. Silver
A fist sized chunk of silver ore imbued with ahem, earth power.
Improvised thrown weapon, inflicts 1d2 damage. Looks like it could really hurt. Utterly immune to anti-magic fields. Counts as a silvered Weapon too!

[goto124]

Cup of Existential Emptiness.
An exquisite flagon of polished brass, decorated with images of nobles drinking at a banquet. Can be filled as easily as any other cup. Unfortunately any attempt to actually drink from the cup will invariably spill the contents all over the holder.

Cup of Existential Emptiness v2.1^TM
Just like the first model, except this cup will also lecture your PC on how she's just a bunch of words on a piece of paper, and even the cup she's trying to drink from isn't any more real than a short sentence muttered by some human.

Apparently 4th Wall Breakers suffer from some sense of nihilism.

[bloodshed343]

Serial Bowl:

This large bowl is perpetually filled with the rough first drafts of a serial novel. Attempts to follow the story cause 1d6 psychic damage.

Flutter Knife:

This knife flutters as if it had wings. As it doesn't have wings, it primarily just beats against whatever surface it's placed on.

Bee Cup:

A cup full of 10d100 angry bees.

Hot Glass:

This small glass is perpetually hot.

Flying pan:

This pan hovers above the fire, just high enough to avoid heating up.

[toapat]

Wand of Mole : When you use the Wand of Mole one mole of any substance is created in an adjacent square.

I create one mole of element 368 (theoretically well over 1 Kg). It then detonates in nuclear fire

Gloves of Lock Picking: The wearer receives advantage on Intelligence checks to determine what type of lock would be best suited to install on a particular door, hatch, or chest (e.g., padlock, deadbolt, etc.).

Typically considered broken, as it advises the optimal lock is 6 feet of concrete, multiple layers of lead, and welding the door shut. Also heavily advises that the concrete be set on fire. And then 20 foot rods be anchored through the concrete and into the door.


Mystical Map: This blank parchment, when a command word is spoken, forms an illusory interactable landscape where anyone may influence the world. Inherently it guides the user to build a city populated by strange boxes which live in much larger boxes, and paint the land green, yellow, or blue for some odd reason so that larger boxes may grow in those areas. Some of these boxes turn the land grey and the water brown. You are unsure what is happening

The landscape is entirely foreign and trying to use this map as a description for teleportation results in the caster being erased from existence.

[Battlebooze]

Cup of Existential Emptiness v2.1^TM
Just like the first model, except this cup will also lecture your PC on how she's just a bunch of words on a piece of paper, and even the cup she's trying to drink from isn't any more real than a short sentence muttered by some human.

Apparently 4th Wall Breakers suffer from some sense of nihilism.

Wisdom save DC 6 vs complete character disintegration.
"I'm what?" Pop!

[Gritmonger]

Rod of Fire - This rod, which usually has 1 charge when found, when activated with a command word ("Light, darnit!") and flint-and-tinder, becomes a Rod of Fire, capable of inflicting fire damage. This is a continuous effect that doesn't require concentration, and is immune to dispelling, except with regard to the druidcraft cantrip, or any water based spell. Use of one charge causes the charge to be expended for the four hour duration, after which it becomes useless. Every morning the rod regains 1d0 charges. If the rod has no charges left, it becomes a useless stick.

Stick of Clubbiness - Derived solely from the remains of a Rod of Fire, the Stick of Clubbiness is a club capable of inflicting 1d4 bludgeoning damage and a nasty charcoal smear on an opponent when one is proficient in simple weapons. This smear of charcoal plus the smell of wet burnt wood reduce the DC on survival checks (-5) to follow a target by smell until washed off. The Stick of Clubbiness can also be used to create a visible Wizard's Mark, otherwise known as graffiti.

[Mrmox42]

Helm of the Gnome: Has 1 charge, that is renewed once a week. Gives the wearer the ability to speak with burrowing animals for one minute.

Helm of Nome: Gives the wearer advantage on saves versus Frostbite and Snowblindness.

Loincloth of the Mighty: When wearing nothing but the Loincloth, (and that means nothing – no armor, no backpack, no belt, no rings, no boots, no cloak or cape, no NOTHING) and being armed with a Great Weapon, the user gets the following bonuses:
+2 to AC, as the vitals are protected by the Mighty loincloth
+1 to hit with a Great Weapon
+1 to Damage with a Great Weapon
+4 for Intimidation Checks as he looks downright scary
(This item has a counterpart which does the same: The Bikini of the Mighty)

Oil of the Muscleman/Woman: When wearing nothing but a loincloth or a bikini, and rubbing yourself with this oil, you look shiny and good. This doubles your Charisma Bonus when you are dealing with people of the opposite sex (and they are of a species that will find you attractive).

[goto124]

Change that to 'people of the correct sexual orientation to find you attractive', to include homosexuals and bisexuals :D

[Mrmox42]

Ah yes, of course. My bad.

But the species thing still stands.

[toapat]

Loincloth of the Mighty: When wearing nothing but the Loincloth, (and that means nothing – no armor, no backpack, no belt, no rings, no boots, no cloak or cape, no NOTHING) and being armed with a Great Weapon, the user gets the following bonuses:
+2 to AC, as the vitals are protected by the Mighty loincloth
+1 to hit with a Great Weapon
+1 to Damage with a Great Weapon
+4 for Intimidation Checks as he looks downright scary
(This item has a counterpart which does the same: The Bikini of the Mighty)

But what if my female elf barbarian only wants the loincloth?

[Mrmox42]

But what if my female elf barbarian only wants the loincloth?

To be very D&D5E-ish: It's up to the DM.

I, personally, would rule that wearing the Loincloth will work equally well for all races, regardless of gender, as long as that race is physically capable of wearing it.
So in my game, your female elf barbarian (or your male halfling monk, or your female Dragonborn paladin, but NOT your Thri-Kreen - regardless of gender) would be very welcome wearing only the Loincloth, and would recieve all it's benefits.

Oh yes, and if your male halfling monk should choose to wear the bikini, be my guest. All bonuses still apply.

[Peebles]

Rope of Blinding: Blinds anyone who touches it, for as long as they remain in contact with rope, giving Disadvantage to any attempt to bind captives or use as an aid to climb checks.

The Occasional Table: Sometimes it's a table, sometimes it's not. It tends to choose not to be a table just as you're about to place something fragile on it.

[Thrudd]

Horn of Annoying Proclamations:
This brass bugle compels its bearer to raise it to their lips and announce their companions' passage through any sort of doorway or portal with a loud and poorly performed fanfare, forcing all allies within earshot to make a dc 10 wisdom save or be compelled to cover their ears or slap the horn blower.
May not be used by bards or anyone with a performance: music skill.

If paired with the Flag of Pointless Heraldry, intelligent enemies in the area must make a DC 15 wisdom save or stare with a confused look on their faces for one round.

[Joe the Rat]

Think of it like sizing: it adapts to fit the wearer. I mean, we're talking about a magic modesty flap. Having it sprout an extra few square inches of fabric/leather/vinyl/chain mail/kittens/etc. to create a second piece for those that want it isn't that far afield.

and for contributions:
Intellectual Pipe: Holding this dapper pipe in your mouth makes you look thoughtful and clever, giving you advantage on Bluff checks to look smart. It does nothing to make you act, sound, or be any smarter. Any creature that has heard you speak is immune to the pipe's effects.

Not a pipe: This is not a magical pipe. This is a description of attributes and game effects of a magic pipe. Creatures that fail a DC 13 Intelligence saving throw can use this as a pipeweed pipe that lights itself. Players that succeed on this saving throw have advantage on attack rolls to throw snacks at the DM.

[kaoskonfety]

Oh yes, and if your male halfling monk should choose to wear the bikini, be my guest. All bonuses still apply.

With he added bonus that he gets to feel sexy.


Manacles of freedom (Artefact) - this set of leg, arm and neck manacles can only be equipped voluntarily by a free willed humanoid who had been made to understand the items powers. They restrict movement to 5' of slow shuffling per round regardless of other sources of movement options and prevent all spell casting, attack actions, bonus actions or reactions, the wearer also cannot be teleported by normal means and any mortal made form of transport they are placed on slows to 5' per round. Plane shift continues to function normally as does Gate, however the wearer must be subject to the spells voluntarily or they fail. The wearer is also under the effects of Freedom of movement and their 5' movement cannot be in any other way restricted, no locks will hold, they cannot be grappled or pushed and ignore the prone condition and they can walk though solid matter with ease and if utterly prevented from escape via encasement in solid rock, at the bottom of the sea, force effects or extradimentional barriers the wearer will be transported out of these bounds to the nearest place of relative safety. They become immune to all mind control, binding and soul trapping effects for as long as the manacles are worn. Once equipped no action the creature takes can remove the manacles, nor can they be removed by any means short of their death if the wearer does not wish it. Removal of the item requires the wearer be willing to have them removed and either the use of a wish spell or the intervention of a deity or similar power.

[Tvtyrant]

Ring of the Lamb - sings insistently, in high pitched slightly off key braying. It never ends...

Better than Ring on the Lamb, which runs away from you and constantly begs other people to hide it.

[Kurald Galain]

Better than Ring on the Lamb, which runs away from you and constantly begs other people to hide it.

Coming this year in the epic trilogy, Lamb of the Rings. Yessss, my precioussss...!

[Tvtyrant]

Coming this year in the epic trilogy, Lamb of the Rings. Yessss, my precioussss...!

Then the horrible sequel the Silence of the Rings.

[Kurald Galain]

Then the horrible sequel the Silence of the Rings.

Followed by the commercial flop and sell-out Ring of the Lamps...

[Knaight]

Manacles of freedom (Artefact)

These sound amazingly useful, just for convincing prisoners to wear them on pain of death.