Iron Poet XXII

[CWater]

Sorry for the delay, this week turned out to be unexpectedly crazy. But I should have time tomorrow to finish the judgements. Got a day off from work too.

[Vaynor]

No worries, I appreciate you volunteering to help in the first place.

[CWater]

As it turns out, I didn't have the time to write as much as would have wanted. :/ But I think it's best that I post the judgements now, so the competition doesn't stall longer.

Iron Poet XX: Round

Jormengard vs. FinnLassie: Self-Portrait
Elvaris vs. Szilard: W.B. Yeats
SaintRidley vs. Benthesquid: Sir Nicholas Throckmorton
Duck999 vs. SeptimusFabrius: Dreaming child

Judgements

Spoiler: Jormengard vs. FinnLassie: Self-Portrait

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Spoiler: Jormengard

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A very literal interpretation of the prompt, or so I read it. The narrator is painting the picture of himself and at the same time, listening to music? That is the image I get from this. Both 'sides' of the poem work as individual poems of their own, one is what the narrator does, the other what he thinks, though there are some thoughts among the painting side as well. The two interact subtly, but still they do, and together give a different feeling than either part alone.

Spoiler: FinnLassie

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Oh, will have to be careful when commenting this due to forum rules. The narrator has a strong message, that he wants to underline, almost desperately. I like how simple examples, like wearing certain clothes, are used to emphasize this message. There is also unapologetic anger and frustration that stems from it.

Spoiler: Winner

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A very close one, but Jormengard gets my vote.

Spoiler: Elvaris vs. Szilard: W.B. Yeats

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Spoiler: Elvaris

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Longing for someone who is gone. Why is the finished picture in sepia tone, if the person specifically thinks about the colour of the clothes? The poem raises a few questions, and it is short and cute, but the feelings of the narrator don't quite reach me. There is only an air of glumness, despite the bittersweet memories.

Spoiler: Szilard

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I unfortunately haven't heard of the title character before, so I'm afraid I'm missing some references in this poem about him. Some of the wordplay is nice and I quite like the rhyming scheme.

Spoiler: Winner

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Slizard

Spoiler: SaintRidley vs. Benthesquid: Sir Nicholas Throckmorton

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Another name that was unfamiliar to me. Well, now I know.

Spoiler: SaintRidley

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This really has a nice feel, it creates the feeling of an empty corridor and a painting gathering dust. The speaker could be a random passer-by, briefly stopping to glance at the painting and then moving on again. This seems to be a theme this round.

Spoiler: Benthesquid

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No entry.

Spoiler: Winner

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SaintRidley wins by default.

Spoiler: Duck999 vs SeptimusFabrius: Dreaming child

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Spoiler: Duck999

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Hmm, this tries to paint the story of a child that has it all except love. But what is it that she's really missing? Why isn't she happy? Because her parents only give her things and not affection, and so she things that a romantic love would make her happy? I don't know, this reasoning could make sense for a child, but the feelings or what caused them are not clear and the effect of the poem is not as strong as a result. The poem is cute, but its purpose eludes me.

Spoiler: SeptimusFabrius

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The first reading left an eeriee atmosphere, blurry images of ghosts and forgotten places. Hmm, even after going through it again, I think the poem could have several interpretations. The one story that comes to my mind, is that there was a girl, but now only a painting of her hangs in the house. Did she die young? A couple of lines suggest that, but then there is the one that says 'might have been a grave', which implies that maybe not. In any case, she is part of the past, and now even the picture of her is disappearing and then it is finally taken off the wall as well.

I really like this one. Some lines are maybe a little worn, like 'the roses seem eternal', but overall, it is quite nice.

Spoiler: Winner

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SeptimusFabrius.

[Vaynor]

Congratulations to the winners of this round!

SeptimusFabrius
SaintRidley
FinnLassie
Elvaris

I'll have the next round up soon.

[FinnLassie]

Thank you to all the judges! Jormengard, we actually almost ended up making our poem from exactly the same damn thing as I also found the video and had already started writing when another theme popped to my head and went with that.

[Jormengand]

Thank you to all the judges! Jormengard, we actually almost ended up making our poem from exactly the same damn thing as I also found the video and had already started writing when another theme popped to my head and went with that.

Great minds, eh?

[Vaynor]

Sorry for the delay, everyone! Without further ado:

Iron Poet XXII: Round 2

Elvaris vs. SaintRidley: Blemished, unfold
FinnLassie vs. SeptimusFabrius: Revived, jostled

Deadline: Monday August 24th, 2015 at 11:59 pm EDT (UTC -4).

[FinnLassie]

What time is it, kids?

You guessed it right -
It's time to open the dictionary to see what the hell one of your prompts mean!
I hate you Vaynor :smallsneakytongue:

[FinnLassie]

I am sad to read this, Sept-o Fabr-o. It would've been great to compete with you.


... especially as I'm here to submit my poyem.

Spoiler: muh poyem

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Train


Felt like a pounding

though just a nudge

in the midst of a crowd.


Heartbeats racing

feeling the bulge

in the midst of a crowd.


Mind startled and shrinking

hard to revive oneself

in the midst of a crowd.


Sensed some touching

not where I wanted

in the midst of a crowd.


The need for parting

grows ever stronger

in the midst of a crowd.

[SaintRidley]

Edit - Poem redacted for submission to publication.

[Elvaris]

Prompt: Blemished, Unfold.

Spoiler

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Legend says
That if you fold
A thousand origami cranes
You can make a miracle happen.

So I did.

And on the day that I finished
My thousandth crane,
I met you.
And it was perfect.

And then it wasn't.

As quickly as you warmed,
You cooled.
Filling my life with pain.
And some cranes.

And so I left.

And the thousand sheets
of newly flat paper
Are a reminder
That there's more to a miracle

Than origami.

[FinnLassie]

I kinda feel bad winning by default, but there's no one to blame as we all have our reasons to drop out (I had to drop out last round due to extreme stress).

Now we gots tae wait for dem judgings. No hurries! (uni starts again next week, don't have no time to stalk this thread and moan )

[SaintRidley]

I'm actually going to withdraw my poem here as I am submitting it as part of a submission to a poetry journal. I will gladly PM it to any judges who would like to look at it, but by no means do I feel entitled to continue in judgment once I take the step of removing the poem from the post.

Thank you all very much for giving me such a good prompt to work with.

[Vaynor]

Well, in that case, without further ado:

Iron Poet: Round 3

Elvaris vs. FinnLassie: Unopposed, undecipherable, unequaled

Deadline: Friday, September 11th 2015 at 11:59pm EDT (UTC -4).

Judges, if you could still provide feedback on Elvaris' and FinnLassie's poems it would be greatly appreciated. I'm glad you liked the prompt, SaintRidley. Could you PM me the poem? I can't read them until the round is over in case I need to be a judge and thus never got the chance to read yours.

[FinnLassie]

Oh. Well. That was an interesting turn of events. I guess I have to get on writing, then.

[The Extinguisher]

Interesting prompts for this round.
As far as feedback and such for last round: Elvaris, FinnLassie, if either of you prefer, I could get it up soon, but if not, it would be easier to put it with this round's judgments. It's up to you though. Let me know.

[FinnLassie]

I've been on some crazy creative roll as of late...
Here be my submission!

Spoiler: muh poyem

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I

Oh almighty! Oh supreme! Your people greet you as you shine!

For your glory is above all, we stand meek by your side
The warmth of your presence brings smiles to our eyes

II

Oh leader! Oh gazer! Your people receive anything you provide!

For your signs are above all, we cannot decipher everything
The divinity of your words lives within its own mystery

III

Oh astonishing! Oh benevolent! Your people will stay by your side!

For your good deeds empower us, we banish the non-believers
The statue they praise is no longer in competition with you

IV

Oh fearsome! Oh chieftain! Your people fear you as you thrive!

For your force is above all, we fight and bleed dry in your name
The agony of others feeds your generosity towards our men

~~~

Epilogue

Charred are the villages you ruined
Scarred are the people you fooled
Barred are the souls you destroyed

A whole race extinct for an artificial god

[Elvaris]

Prompt: Unopposed, undecipherable, unequaled.

Spoiler

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Unable
Ungainly
Unsuited
Unready

Unguided
Unlikely
Untested
Undimmed

Unartful
Unsteady
Unrated
Unnerved

Unknown
Unopposed
Unproven
Unworthy

Unsated
Untiring
Unweary
Unending

Unaided
Unclear
Undeciphered
Uncaring

Unswayed
Ungiving
Unafraid
Undaunted

Unshaken
Unchosen
Unhailed
Unbroken

Uncovered
Uncanny
Unlocked
Unerring

Unsubdued
Unyielding
Unleashed
Unrelenting

Unseating
Unrivaled
Unstopped
Undefeated

Undebated
Uncontested
Unmatched
Unparalleled

Undenied
Unsurpassed
Undisputed
Unequaled

[FinnLassie]

Waiting for the judgements, then...

I keep on reading this thread as Iron Poot

[SaintRidley]

Oi Vaynor, just checking that you got my message with the poem.

[Vaynor]

I did, thanks. Thought I responded. Sorry about that!

[SaintRidley]

No worries. Just wanted to check that you got it and your inbox wasn't full or something.

[Lethologica]

It's Judgment Day. (Well, a few days late. Sorry 'bout that.)

Spoiler: FinnLassie vs. Elvaris

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Spoiler: FinnLassie

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Twisted tribal religious devotional. (Not that twisted, I guess, considering how kinked the source material can be.) The "you" in the epilogue is the tribe, right?

Flow and style are generally good. I stumbled on the last lines of III and IV. The third stanza breaks a few otherwise recurring patterns, and I'm wondering if that's deliberate.

Theme comes off a little flat. The pace of the narrative development from benevolent shining peace to fear-driven bloody violence is muddled, and I think it's the second verse that causes this. You had to bring in the divine mysteries because of the prompt, but they didn't go anywhere, so they ended up kind of getting in the way.

Epilogue is the strongest section. Brutally direct statement of the brutal outcome.

Spoiler: Elvaris

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Leading with the obvious, this is a direct yet creative way to address the prompt. Straight zero-to-hero montage going on in here.

At the detail level, some odd word choices--including, surprisingly, the prompt words. At the broader level, stanza 6 feels like it loses the narrative flow, which is really important because of how oblique the presentation is--if the underlying narrative isn't crystal clear, it will be *cough* undecipherable when viewed through your chosen lens. Also, stanzas 7 and 8 feel like 'resolute underdog' and 'bouncing back from defeat' but they don't quite fit where they are. And there's a lot of narrative repetition near the end.

I like the beginning best. The nervous wobbling newbie comes through loud and clear.

Spoiler: Judgment

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FinnLassie, by a hair.

[The Extinguisher]

Sorry it took so long for judgments. It's been a crazy couple weeks.

First things first, here's some thoughts on last rounds poems.

Spoiler: FinnLassie

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I like this a lot. It's simple and effective, and plays with the prompt really well. I especially like the spacing in the poem. Gives it an unsettling feel that works with the subject matter.

Spoiler: Elvaris

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This made me sad. I really like the structure of the whole thing. Well done.

Alright, actual judgement time

Spoiler: FinnLassie vs Elvaris

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Spoiler: FinnLassie

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There's a grand sense to this poem. It makes for a nice finale piece. I feel the prompts coming through quite well, and flows nicely. I question dividing everything into parts though. To me, at least, it seems that the whole thing works better as one piece. But I understand the look and feel you were going for. I do think the epilogue needed to be more divorced from the rest of the poem. It needs to read more as notes on a margin then the ending of the verses. But all in all well done.

Spoiler: Elvaris

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This is really cool. Not in any way what I would have expected out of the prompts but wow do I like the idea. I love the way this builds up tension and towards the prompts. I feel it loses a bit of momentum towards the end though. There's almost this chanting sense towards the poem, and several lines and stanzas fit awkwardly in the whole thing. Specifically, "Undebated/Uncontested/Unmatched/Unparalleled" I feel each line is just a little too long. But as a whole piece, this is great.

Spoiler: Winner

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I've debated over this a lot. Both poems used the prompts fantastically. Both were overall excellent poems. It's a tough choice, but I think I'm going to give this to Elvaris.

[FinnLassie]

We have one judgement left, right?

[Vaynor]

Yes, I PMed CWater to give them a chance to get their judgments in but it's been too long at this point. I'll try to do judgments today to get the next contest started.

[CWater]

Yes, I PMed CWater to give them a chance to get their judgments in but it's been too long at this point. I'll try to do judgments today to get the next contest started.

I'm sorry for this, I only saw the message today. I've been on vacation and not had much internet access in over a week. I should have informed you about it, I apologise for that.

[FinnLassie]

Sooo... how's... stuff?

[truemane]

Are you guys short a judge?

I can whip something up if you like.

[Vaynor]

Sorry guys, I assumed that since CWater posted she'd do the judgments. I've been a bit busy lately. I can do them today unless truemane wants to do them (and he is infinitely more qualified to do so than I).