Relationship Woes and Advice

[Closet_Skeleton]

I like my women like I like my coffee. Safely away from me and in a box.

[Vampiric]

I'm almost definately just being superstitious (I know thats not the right word... but I cant think of the right word) about this... but I got an E-mail from my friend... not just a friend, but the older sister of the girl I just asked out a few nights ago... which means its an e-mail from my best mates gf... seems fine so far right? Sure it is... then all of a sudden she's telling me about this dream she has and how I saved her life in it!! And then she says she thinks all dreams have a meaning!! WHAT THE HELL!!!??!?!?!? Is she trying to say something or amI just reading too deep?

We've known each other for like 5 years... which is 4 years longer then we've known my best mate... She's admitted to fancying me before... and I've admitted to fancying her... though not at the same time... and I'm so confused!!!

EDIT: shes also mentioned on several occasions that she has a thing for Aquarias and Blue Eyes... of which I have both... and she said this to my face!!

I think the outcome of this depends on your view. Do you fancy her now? Would going out with her right now be a bad thing?

If answer to 1) is 'yes', and 2) is 'no' = SCORE!
If either answer is an opposite, then say something along the lines of you're flattered by the attention, but you don't want a relationship (with her?) at the moment.

I could just be me, but I think that you shouldn't take the whole 'interpreting dreams' thing too seriously. The content of a dream is inconsequencial (I know that Freud probably disagrees with me on this... but hey.). If she wants to go out with you, then it needs to be because you both want to. Don't get hung up on the dream thing. It could just be her way of being subtle...

(Also, just for clarification, after re-reading your post, it seems you said she already has a bf..?)

[Glaivemaster]

Yiel: If you're not comfortable with it, say no. I'm sure he'll understand

Dib: The word you're looking for might be paranoid? Maybe not? That's the word I use a lot. If she's still involved with your best friend, though, I'd be careful, even if you have both admitted to liking each other before. She's in a relationship, and she has to be done with that before you can do anything with her, really

[Closet_Skeleton]

I could just be me, but I think that you shouldn't take the whole 'interpreting dreams' thing too seriously. The content of a dream is inconsequencial (I know that Freud probably disagrees with me on this... but hey.). If she wants to go out with you, then it needs to be because you both want to. Don't get hung up on the dream thing. It could just be her way of being subtle...

Speaking of Freud I had a dream about the girl I liked where she was motherly...

Well, if you want to choose a woman who'll bring up good kids maybe an Oedipus complex through surrogacy isn't that bad...

[LCR]

Speaking of Freud I had a dream about the girl I liked where she was motherly...

Well, if you want to choose a woman who'll bring up good kids maybe an Oedipus complex through surrogacy isn't that bad...

Freud's an idiot. No, really. Oedipus complex? You can't explain everything with Ich, Über-Ich, Es and drive for sexuality. Besides, Freud took Cocaine on a regular basis.

[Zeb The Troll]

Ich, Über-Ich, Es

I presume that's supposed to be the Ego, SuperEgo, and Id, for us English speakers?

[Last_resort_33]

Yiel: Don't get too mad at him for asking, but if it bothers you, say "no" (also say that if you find out that he does it anyway, then he'll be walking down the isle a eunuch)

Bounty hunter: I don't know enough of the details, but it seemed like she was beating you with one of these:

Spoiler

Show

Do NOT let her cheat. If she dumps your friend, then it will be hard on you... if she cheats on your friend, things are gunna get really REALLY ugly.

[dogmac]

Yiel, this is what is called "having his cake and wanting it too"

If he runs off with this mutual friend because you say no, then he isn't worth you. And she is no friend.

It's also pretty arrogant and presumptious of him to assume she would want to sleep with him. If she is any sort of friend, she would be er... hurting him in that delicate place rather than sleep with him.

Get as angry as you like. And tell him no, no way, not on, not a chance.

Di

[Last_resort_33]

Ummm yeah.... or that.

[Dib]

I think the outcome of this depends on your view. Do you fancy her now? Would going out with her right now be a bad thing?

If answer to 1) is 'yes', and 2) is 'no' = SCORE!
If either answer is an opposite, then say something along the lines of you're flattered by the attention, but you don't want a relationship (with her?) at the moment.

I could just be me, but I think that you shouldn't take the whole 'interpreting dreams' thing too seriously. The content of a dream is inconsequencial (I know that Freud probably disagrees with me on this... but hey.). If she wants to go out with you, then it needs to be because you both want to. Don't get hung up on the dream thing. It could just be her way of being subtle...

(Also, just for clarification, after re-reading your post, it seems you said she already has a bf..?)

1) yes… 2) maybe

Yes… and like I said… her boyfriend is my best friend… but the reason I only said maybe rather than yes (which was my original answer) is because he is known to make people hate him… out of all the people he knows there are only about 5 or so that actually like him (they all say it and he knows it) and I’m the only one he’s not on uneven ground with… so you know, its hard to say with him…

Dib: The word you're looking for might be paranoid? Maybe not? That's the word I use a lot. If she's still involved with your best friend, though, I'd be careful, even if you have both admitted to liking each other before. She's in a relationship, and she has to be done with that before you can do anything with her, really

No… not paranoid… it has a similar meaning, but I;m pretty sure it starts with S…

Yeah, that’s why I don’t want to do anything… or anything… cos they’re still together… and even if they broke up it might still be a little awkward…

Bounty hunter: I don't know enough of the details, but it seemed like she was beating you with one of these:

Spoiler

Show

Do NOT let her cheat. If she dumps your friend, then it will be hard on you... if she cheats on your friend, things are gunna get really REALLY ugly.

Yes… that is an awesome pic… grr…

Believe me, I will not do anything with her… not even bring up the subject of ‘I like her’ or ‘do you like me’ when she’s still with him… and she wouldn’t cheat anyway… she’s not like that *coughanymorecough*

Also… is it weird that me and her pretend that I got her pregnant and we spend time thinking of baby names? Also she likes to play with my hair a lot… she’ll just sit or stand behind me and comb it and put it in a ponytail or braid it and stuff… apart from her boyfriend, I’m the only person she does this too… and there’s quite a few people she could do it to…

[Ranis]

Freud's an idiot. No, really. Oedipus complex? You can't explain everything with Ich, Über-Ich, Es and drive for sexuality. Besides, Freud took Cocaine on a regular basis.

(I just want to make it clear that none of Freud's work has been proven one way or the other. And lots of people took cocaine on a regular basis back then.)

[Last_resort_33]

1) yes… 2) maybe

Yes… and like I said… her boyfriend is my best friend… but the reason I only said maybe rather than yes (which was my original answer) is because he is known to make people hate him… out of all the people he knows there are only about 5 or so that actually like him (they all say it and he knows it) and I’m the only one he’s not on uneven ground with… so you know, its hard to say with him…

Well I might summise that he's not an easy person to get on with... maybe she's not getting on so well with him.

No… not paranoid… it has a similar meaning, but I;m pretty sure it starts with S…

Stupid? (just kidding)

Yeah, that’s why I don’t want to do anything… or anything… cos they’re still together… and even if they broke up it might Would still be a little Very awkward…

Edited. The question is: Would she be worth it? (that is meant to be an unbiased question there)

Believe me, I will not do anything with her… not even bring up the subject of ‘I like her’ or ‘do you like me’ when she’s still with him…

Maybe you should.

and she wouldn’t cheat anyway… she’s not like that *coughanymorecough*

Don't count on it, old habits die hard. But still, as you know, don't do it

Also… is it weird that me and her pretend that I got her pregnant and we spend time thinking of baby names? Also she likes to play with my hair a lot… she’ll just sit or stand behind me and comb it and put it in a ponytail or braid it and stuff… apart from her boyfriend, I’m the only person she does this to… and there’s quite a few people she could do it to…

This probably means something... but not definitely. This could indicate that she sees you as a "female" friend. Mind you, judging by the other things you have said, I would guess not.

[Dib]

Well I might summise that he's not an easy person to get on with... maybe she's not getting on so well with him..

Oh no… he’s easy to get on with… he just does really outrageously stupid things…

Stupid? (just kidding).

Yes.. Haha…

Edited. The question is: Would she be worth it? (that is meant to be an unbiased question there) .

Hard to say… she is amazing… so, it might be worth losing him as a friend… even though that’s a really bad thought… but he gets depressed and cuts himself really easily… so its difficult…

Maybe you should. .

Really? I’m not sure that would go down well with him… he doesn’t like it when people talk to her for too long… if we talk about something like that and he somehow finds out… eesh…

Don't count on it, old habits die hard. But still, as you know, don't do it .

I won’t… im smarter than that…

This probably means something... but not definitely. This could indicate that she sees you as a "female" friend. Mind you, judging by the other things you have said, I would guess not.

God dammit!! You’re the second person in a week to hint that I have feminine qualities!!

[Last_resort_33]

she is amazing… so, it might be worth losing him as a friend… even though that’s a really bad thought… but he gets depressed and cuts himself really easily… so its difficult…

Cutting is a different issue alltogether. As far as I'm concerned it is his issue. If he shows you his cuts and says "look what you made me do" then it is his problem, not yours. He should not be able to guilt you into not living your life and not letting this girl live her life.

Really? I’m not sure that would go down well with him… he doesn’t like it when people talk to her for too long… if we talk about something like that and he somehow finds out… eesh…

I don't know what to say here other that that I can understand why she wanted you to save her from a burning building. Maybe all dreams DO mean something.

I won’t… im smarter than that…

Good man

God dammit!! You’re the second person in a week to hint that I have feminine qualities!!

You've got lipstick on your teeth.

[dogmac]

If he is cutting himself to make YOU feel guilty, then it is called emotional blackmail and it is not a nice thing. He is trying to control you, rather than take responsibility for himself.

There are many reasons for self harming (I know, I'm one), but that is without doubt the nastiest.

Really, though, at the moment, the ball isn't in your court. You need to make it clear to this girl that she has to break up with him first, and have a bit of a break before you would be even remotely interested. You don't want to be her rebound, and you CERTAINLY don't want to be the other bloke. That makes you in the wrong no matter how much you care about her.

Cheers

Di

[Dib]

Cutting is a different issue alltogether. As far as I'm concerned it is his issue. If he shows you his cuts and says "look what you made me do" then it is his problem, not yours. He should not be able to guilt you into not living your life and not letting this girl live her life. .

Dear god… when you said "look what you made me do" I actually heard his voice saying it… creepy… n cheers

I don't know what to say here other that that I can understand why she wanted you to save her from a burning building. Maybe all dreams DO mean something.

Wait… are you trying to say that she wants me to save her from the relationship… or from a burning building?

Good man.

yes

You've got lipstick on your teeth.

I have never worn lipstick!!!! Well maybe once… BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT!!!

Really, though, at the moment, the ball isn't in your court. You need to make it clear to this girl that she has to break up with him first, and have a bit of a break before you would be even remotely interested. You don't want to be her rebound, and you CERTAINLY don't want to be the other bloke. That makes you in the wrong no matter how much you care about her.

What do you mean by 'be the other bloke'?

I miss that sweet-ass ball of mine...

[Last_resort_33]

Dear god… when you said "look what you made me do" I actually heard his voice saying it… creepy… n cheers

See what I'm saying?

Wait… are you trying to say that she wants me to save her from the relationship… or from a burning building?

That was a joke, yeah? (in case it wasn't, I meant relationship)

What do you mean by 'be the other bloke'?

The "other woman/man" is the person that someone is cheating on their partner with.

I miss that sweet-ass ball of mine...

eh?

[dogmac]

The other bloke:

It's pretty simple. She's already got a boyfriend. Until she breaks up with him, she isn't available, and if you go out with her, you're a relationship killer. The other woman, the other bloke, you know....

Plus, you'd never trust her whilst you were in a relationship with her, knowing that she cheated on him with you.

She has to break up with him first before you can even think of going out with her.

[dogmac]

And, er... I'm going to get all stern now.

If you go out with your best mates girlfriend, in fact ANY persons girlfriend, knowing they are involved, you are scum. It's got nothing to do with how wonderful she is, or how bad he is for her, or how much a come on she gives you, it is a scummy scummy act, pure and simple.

No other person is worth your self respect.

[Ranis]

Definitely, dogmac.

Butting in on another relationship isn't the kind of person that you want to be. Period. If you're worth it to her, she'll dump the other guy first. If she tries to cheat on him with you, don't let her do anything. Because that's not the kind of person you want to associate yourself with.

[Last_resort_33]

^&^^ QFT

Although from talking via PM, he's definitely not going to go down that route. He's not that kind of guy. (It's good to know there are some nice people in the world)

[Ranis]

If it helps, I just went through something similar to this. And, I chose not to butt into a relationship.

I now have a new best friend.

[Dib]

Like Last Resort said... I won't be doing or tryng anything or going anywhere near there relationship or try to start one or anything... at least not while she's with anyone... now if say he decided to be a dumbass again and they broke up... I'm not really sure... hmm, this is annoying

[Midnight Son]

I like my men like I like my coffee... dark & bitter.


Along those lines, I am one of those people who usually starts of relationships by shooting themselves in the foot then hopping on it just to see if the pain was real.

My current relationship, though it had a very rocky start, has been smooth sailing for the last two years. Now that my partner and I are starting to talk about getting married one day, he wants to be able to cheat with my knowledge before we tie the knot ...

My response was silent and I still don't know what to say. Any advice?

EDIT: edited to try and make the issue as PG-13 as possible.

My advice here would be to give him a swift kick to the shins. Even if you might think you're okay with this, I promise it'll cause strain on your relationship at the least. Most likely, though, is that it'll break it irrepairably. Think of it this way; if he were to break up with you to go have a relationship with her, then, a while later, come back begging you to take him back, how would you react? This is in essence, what he's asking you to do. Lastly, If he's willing to cheat on you now, he'll be willing to do it after you're married, too. If you say yes now, you'll be tacitly saying yes to every fling he feels he needs down the road.

On a personal level and in no way a form of advice; Any girlfriend of mine who asked me permission to cheat on me with another man would get that permission along with the boot. It's a deal breaker.

Edit: What do you suppose his reaction would be to the same request from you?

[Syka]

Dib, you've got pretty good advice so far.

Yiel- If you aren't 100% comfortable with it, then say no. I've always been a firm believer in that the night before I get married is not the last night of freedom. If I'm getting married, chances are you haven't had the freedom to do that stuff for a long time. If he leaves you for the mutual friend because you won't let him CHEAT (because thats what it is), than he's just a freaking idiot. Why talk about getting married if you want relationships with other people? That's called an open relationship, and you BOTH have to agree to it.

Cheers,
Syka

[Closet_Skeleton]

God dammit!! You’re the second person in a week to hint that I have feminine qualities!!

Get a buzz-cut. It'll help.

And, er... I'm going to get all stern now.

If you go out with your best mates girlfriend, in fact ANY persons girlfriend, knowing they are involved, you are scum. It's got nothing to do with how wonderful she is, or how bad he is for her, or how much a come on she gives you, it is a scummy scummy act, pure and simple.

No other person is worth your self respect.

That's a bit heartless. In many cases you're not scum, you're a sucker.

You can't force your views on monamory onto other people.

Love isn't a commodity.

Then again, I've never liked anyone who didn't already have a boy friend, so my choices are limited.

[Khantalas]

You can't force your views on monamory onto other people.

Beat me to it.

Then again, I was holding myself back intentionally. I've seen an argument about that issue. Gets uglier than most religious debates I've been in.

[Last_resort_33]

Get a buzz-cut. It'll help.

My fiancee (female, notice the second e) has a no 1 does that help?

That's a bit heartless. In many cases you're not scum, you're a sucker.
You can't force your views on monamory onto other people.

No. I disagree. Knowlegeably being the "other man" does make you scum. (unless it is a properly open relationship, but that is different). Really, scum; egg and scum; egg bacon and scum; egg bacon sausage and scum; scum bacon sausage and scum; scum egg scum scum bacon and scum; scum sausage scum scum bacon scum tomato and scum....

Love isn't a commodity.

Then again, I've never liked anyone who didn't already have a boy friend, so my choices are limited.

You make them break up with the boyfriend FIRST. ALWAYS if they're not willing to do that, then it's not gunna work with you now is it.

...scum scum scum egg and scum; scum scum scum scum scum scum baked beans scum scum scum...

[Dib]

I would reply to the other comments... but like, Last Resort made my brain meats fall out... and the 's' disappeared off of most of those words...

[Closet_Skeleton]

Uou make them break up with the boyfriend FIRST. ALWAYS if they're not willing to do that, then it's not gunna work with you now is it.

Depending on your methods that could make you scum even more than some guy who got taken advantage of by a lonely and unfaithful lover.

Beat me to it.

Then again, I was holding myself back intentionally. I've seen an argument about that issue. Gets uglier than most religious debates I've been in.

Hey, I'm still wondering if I should try to take it back or prove that I can stand by my statements.