Relationship Woes and Advice

[Vampiric]

@WC: I know dreams are the unconscious part of our minds, but I don't think that it's worth trying to interpret them. There are so many ways of doing it. You could find so many things. Just don't spend money on it!. Anyhoo, /rant. I think that you need to decide if you are comfortable with guys/relationships, whatever. You're subconscious mind affects some decisions you make, but shouldn't be making them. It is, after all, the subconscious.

[Closet_Skeleton]

Alara, your lucky. I have nil contact with the female of the species. All I have is my drama class, and no one would go out with me there. At least I think?

Hey, I thought that at the time when I was in a drama class. Looking back on things I'm not so sure.

I turned down a lot of girls. But when they're asking to marry you then it's usually safe to assume they're joking.

[Bayushi Koji]

Vuzz, there's a question you don't seem to have thought about with regards to your drama group..... is there any one there YOU would like to date? It doesn't matter wether you think they are nesacrily into you, that only matters if YOU like THEM.

[13_CBS]

Well, it turns out that the girl I thought was dating actually wasn't/ didn't really want to.

A total miscommunication happened.

It started like this:

End of sophmore year (high school). I like this girl, I find out that she likes me. We've both very much enjoyed each others' company during that year, so the prospect of a girl liking me back didn't seem too far off. So I told her that I liked her, and then she said she liked me too. I think it was in that moment that subconciously, I either assumed that we were now "going out" or was in such euphoria that the girl liked me back that I just hung out with her more.

Notice that I never asked her officially to be my girlfriend. Baaaaad mistake.

Fast forward to this year; we hang out a lot, enjoy each othes' company some more, go out on 1 date (I had no driving license at the time, so I wanted to wait until I got it till I seriously asked her out for dates, etc), I asked her to prom, all that happy fun good stuff. Throughout this whole period I was assuming that we were going out. Neither of us really announced it; I for one simply didn't care about our "official" status (I thought, "I like her and she likes me, so to hell with our official classification").

Then comes this weekend, where she gives me the "let's just be friends" speech. Yowch.

I eventually found out that she apparently wasn't all that interested in dating. When I decided to take a tentative step forward in our relationship after the days of prom, she decided to nip the bud, if you will, with the "friends" speech. So yeah, the girl I thought was dating wasn't really interested/ didn't think we were, mostly because I didn't officially ask her. Granted, I would have liked it if she asked me about the issue instead of saying nothing about it until this weekend, but my fault for not asking.

Yeah...I tried for an entire year to be the best boyfriend I could possibly be, and then found out that I actually technically wasn't a boyfriend.

Oh, and the fruits of my labors? The "clingy" label (turns out that I hung out with her at school TOO often, yet she never bothered to tell me to back off...O_o) and a whole year gone down the drain.

Yay.

[Bayushi Koji]

13_CBS... A whole year has go down the drain, only if you don't learn from this experince. Work out what you did wrong, to your mind, look for how you could do better next time, learn from it all. Blah.... will probably edit when awake.

[averagejoe]

Yeah, "a year down the drain" is a bit dramatic. It sounds like you had fun at the time, and that's what's important. It isn't like it's a race to try to get into a serious relationship as soon as you can.

[Last_resort_33]

You know, I think that a lot of these problems would get better if the relevant "other people" were shown this thread.

[Dib]

lol... I did it again... perfect opportunity... not a word...

[El Jaspero, the Pirate King]

lol... I did it again... perfect opportunity... not a word...

Well, don't beat yourself up about it. Maybe there's an actual reason you're holding back, maybe even beyond basic nervousness. Be wary of pinning all your hopes and dreams on one person, it can both frustrate you and blind you to other opportunities.

[Last_resort_33]

[/QUOTE]

Well, don't beat yourself up about it.

he will, but yeah... good advice

Maybe there's an actual reason you're holding back, maybe even beyond basic nervousness.

I doubt it... I really do... If especially if he's thinking "what if this" and "What if that" and that it should be some big, perfect moment with a violinist and rose petals falling from the sky... I think he's just nervous.

Be wary of pinning all your hopes and dreams on one person, it can both frustrate you and blind you to other opportunities.

This is the most important thing. Doesn't mean that you should stop trying though.

[Dib]

he will, but yeah... good advice

he did, so yeah... just drowning in chocolate at the moment...

I doubt it... I really do... If especially if he's thinking "what if this" and "What if that" and that it should be some big, perfect moment with a violinist and rose petals falling from the sky... I think he's just nervous.

I know, I'd love something like that... but mainly I just want to get her on her own... near impossible when her best friend is always like right by her side...

On a side note I had most of lunch break talking to her and just two other mates... one of em knows I like her so wouldn't left if I had said I wanted to do something...

And then we had like 10 minutes completely on our own... and I was trying to lead up to asking her out... but we kept going off in the wrong direction or I couldn't think of the right words at the time...

This is the most important thing. Doesn't mean that you should stop trying though.

Yeah... I should really... and I've got exams coming up... so this happening now is kind of eee...

Cheers again

[Bayushi Koji]

Dib.... can I let you in on my secret for asking girls out? Its something it took me a while to learn and you seem like a nice enough chap that I'm happy to share it with you.

Step 1: Are you doing anything [preffered time frame to take her out, eg: weekend]

Step 2: Listen to her answer, if it involves phrases like 'going to see a film with this guy I like' ABORT ABORT ABORT, unless imediatly followed by something like 'So what film are we going to watch [insert sweet smile]

Step 3: Well, would you like to do something on [best day avaliable after recon of step 1] because I think [insert compliment of choice, my prefferences are lovely or awesome company]

Step 4: react appropriately to her reply, either start sorting out plans or take it on the chin 'like a man'.

Step 5: settle in for two months of waiting to see her in person again due to heavy uni work load..... wait, that one applies to me only.

[Syka]

Bayushi's advice is pretty good on asking a girl out. I've finally made my return, by the way. :)

And I'm sorry to hear that, CBS. Miscommunications suck, which is one reason I am considering speaking with the guy I'm dating in order to figure out exactly where we are. Good luck in your future endeavours.

[Dib]

Cheers Bayushi... but I've run into a problem... I was talking to a friend... and I asked her for help... and she thinks I shouldn't do it... just because of the age difference and what people might think... I told her that I dont care what people think, but its got me down...

[Last_resort_33]

Oh gods... forget the age differance. jeez... She is wrong.... plain and simple, wrong, who are you gunna trust eh? some "friend" or us guys over the internet?

(maybe a bad way to put it)

Really. If you can't find the perfect moment, then go for an imperfect one. If she's come to the end of a sentance, say "I don't mean to derail the conversation, but I've been meaning to ask if you wanted to do something together this weekend" you will go bright red, and she will make a girly noise (positive or negative) and it'll be all ok from there...

If you come back to us saying that you've had an oppertunity and not taken it, we will subject you to multiple stabbity deaths and force you to write a letter.

[Zeb The Troll]

Oh gods... forget the age differance. jeez... She is wrong.... plain and simple, wrong, who are you gunna trust eh? some "friend" or us guys over the internet?

I've got to say, LR, I disagree with that point. I'm not sure how much the difference is, but at 16, a couple of years is more significant than it is even just a couple of years older.

Hmm, you know, maybe it's not the difference that I'm getting hung up on so much as the fact that the implication is that the young lady seems to be only 13 or 14 years old to this (I'm sure otherwise fine) young man's age of 16.

Or maybe I'm just an old fart and should keep my thoughts to myself. Let me say this at least. If a 16 year old boy had designs on my 14 year old daughter, no matter how charming the young man was, I'd be vexed.

Honestly, it's got nothing to do with intentions. When I was 16 I had the very best of intentions too. I was going to wait until my life was a bit more solid before I took any unnecessary risks. Then one fateful day ... yadda yadda ... The rest is history. (Check my gender if you're new enough to the forums to not know what I'm talking about.)

Anyway, that's my piece on this bit. I'll leave the rest of it to you all to bandy about.

[Dib]

lol ... I'll tell you one thing, coming on here always makes me feel better... and Zeb, she's more like 13... next month... so... :smileythatsuits:

I'm kind of over the whole what my friend said thing... I know I can trust her and she has good judgement... but I'm going to have to go with instinct on this one...

I also have the weird feeling that her best friend fancies me as well...

[Bayushi Koji]

Dib.... I would say do it for one simple reason..... if you don't you'll be kicking yourself for years to come, during those dark little moments at half two in the morning where you can't quiet fully drop to sleep and all your thoughts are ratteling around your head.

This is why I'm cursing the fact its not August yet. There's some one I compaire to a scratch on the roof of my mouth I know I should leave alone but can't stop proping, and I can't even sit down and say 'Look, am I waisting my time thinking we could have something romantic?' I don't even want to know if she's really into me or just thinks I'm a little cute, I just want to know if I'm in with a fair, even chance to prove myself a worthy companion for her.

Damn it!!! I even hate (yet love) the fact I don't KNOW in my gut, like I usually do that I'm worthy of her time.

Sorry about rant two million and one on this subject, blame a sucky, caffine fueled day at work.

BTW, any Brits know of a good, morally 'clean' company in Oxford looking for hard working, long haired (beards count, right?) circus freaks and offer a starting wage that doesn't look like a punch line?

[darkblade]

And ask her for a reason, if she says no. It won't help you if it's just left at 'I just don't want to' or 'I can't see myself with you', for many reasons that I won't get into here. I know when something similar happened to me, it really helped to know why, and to be able to say so to myself every time I thought about this person.

What am I supposed to do when her reason is "Mike...I...I just don't know."?

and yes I'm Mike.

[Bayushi Koji]

Giver her time and space to think. If she realises that she's just scared... well maybe she will get some courage, maybe she won't. If it's anything else... she may tell you when she figures it out, she may not.

I'd say the important thing is for you to wallow in it for a little bit, in private. Wrap yourself in this feeling... then in a day or two let it all go and move on.

[Dib]

I've arrange to talk to her at the lunch break... so itll be over by the end of today...

[El Jaspero, the Pirate King]

I've arrange to talk to her at the lunch break... so itll be over by the end of today...

Over?!?

*barely concealed laughter*

I know I keep carping on this, but that's my role as Old Man of the Playground. If she says yes, things have just begun, and the giddy giggling will commence. If she says no? Maybe over, maybe for now. Things change, life changes in ways you can never forsee. "No" means "no" (and it always does, lads), but I've come to realize that I don't believe in "never".

[Vonriel]

Hmm, isn't Bor older than you?

We need to get someone to start handing out Old Man in the Playground canes. Collect the whole set!

Good luck Dib, and like El J said, I seriously doubt it'll be "over" for good.

Darkblade, I don't know what to say. There are only two things that come to mind when I read that, even now, after a day of thinking it over. She was either trying to spare your feelings, or she honestly doesn't know. In either case, there's not much you can do but attempt to get over her as best as possible.

[Dib]

well... when I say over... I mean I wont be keeping this god-damn secret from her anymore...

Funny thing is... she still doesn't know... we got as far as her finding out that I liked 'someone'... but not as far as saying I liked her... she's damn near impossible to get away from her friend... which is annoying...

So... Monday? lol... *cries inside*

EDIT: God damn! This whole ordeal has turned me into an Emo!! I act like one, talk like one, want to now dress like one... all thats missing is the music... but thats not gonna happen...

[Syka]

I need to get a couple peoples opinions on a situation. I don't want to post it publicly, but it is going to be a loooong post. I just need a couple more people to let me know I've done the right thing who aren't immediately involved in it. So far the only person who has disagreed is someone who is kind of getting stuck in the middle.

[darkblade]

I'd say the important thing is for you to wallow in it for a little bit, in private. Wrap yourself in this feeling... then in a day or two let it all go and move on.

First time I've ever been told to embrace (hopefully) temporary depression. I think I'll just skip to trying to move on.

Darkblade, I don't know what to say. There are only two things that come to mind when I read that, even now, after a day of thinking it over. She was either trying to spare your feelings, or she honestly doesn't know. In either case, there's not much you can do but attempt to get over her as best as possible.

As above trying to move on.

God damn! This whole ordeal has turned me into an Emo!! I act like one, talk like one, want to now dress like one... all thats missing is the music... but thats not gonna happen...

"Emo" is just a label you are not any label unless you apply it to yourself. So if you don't want to be emo don't say you are.

[averagejoe]

I need to get a couple peoples opinions on a situation. I don't want to post it publicly, but it is going to be a loooong post. I just need a couple more people to let me know I've done the right thing who aren't immediately involved in it. So far the only person who has disagreed is someone who is kind of getting stuck in the middle.

Sooo, you're asking for permission to ask for help privately? If so, I'll do what I can.

Edit: that is, if I was unclear, go ahead and PM me, if you'd like.

[AngelAndrius]

Well errr, im doing a little bit better, but this has been the staory the last few months.

http://www.experienceproject.com/uw....#comment_embed

Well I still haven't talked to her. But my feelings are dying down, I think. I'm not sure. I still don't think I can confront her. Its not cowardice, although that's a part of it. It's that I know that she doesn't share the same feelings for me. Even if she did, she would have tried to contact me again, I dunno. You ahve my perspective, I'd love some clarity.

EDIT: Errr, slightly wrong html, scroll to the top of the page.

[Lilly]

Syka, PM me or e-mail me (lilly at giantitp . com) and I can help.

[Bayushi Koji]

Syka, if you think my perspective or slight twisted view of the world would be any help to your situation, I'd be more than glad to help.

Darkblade, my reasoning with wallowing in it for a couple of days is this: you've got a lot of emotions good and bad going on with regards to this girl at the moment, I'm guessing. Now you can try and force them down, ignore them and try and get on with things now, proccessing them and running the risk of them swamping you.
Or... you can haul them out now, burtish, ugly things into the bitter light of day, give them their little bit of time then when the couple of days is up, force them down the trap door, back into the dark reccess and leave them their, forget about them.

Because the sick sad truth of the matter at the moment is these feelings do you NO GOOD AT ALL. Surely its better to wear them out, give up on that dream and move on as quickly as you can. Give up on any idea you are some how going to get her to change her mind, because even if you still carry a torch from her, that is the only thing you can do.