Personal Woes and Advice 4

[WarKitty]

Hey, don't knock boundaries- they work great in normal situations where both parties have some ability to enforce them.

I've just found that in normal situations there's no real reason to worry about special stuff like boundaries because everyone's willing to work things out. The only times I've ever hears a therapist bring up boundaries are in situations where you don't have any power to enforce them, and I've found therapists generally unwilling to allow that those sorts of situations occur (even to the point of telling me I should be doing something when I've consulted with a lawyer and been told I can't).


I just...every single time I've gone to a therapist I've walked out feeling stupid and worthless and like I wanted to kill myself, even when I was doing pretty well before I went there. Why go back to that?

[Velaryon]

For many many reasons....i'm thinking of killing myself.

I don't really expect sympathy or help from anyone, I don't even know why I posted this. I'm sorry.

Please don't feel like you have to apologize for posting in this thread - this is exactly why it's here.

We aren't qualified to provide much in the way of real material assistance, but can offer lots of moral support and some coping suggestions. Believe me, more than one poster in this thread has contemplated suicide in the past.

Comrade provided a link to a suicide prevention hotline. I highly suggest that you contact them, as it certainly cannot hurt.

Beyond that, if you'd like to tell any of us, either here in this thread or via PM, about what is going on in your life that has driven you to this point, you will certainly find a sympathetic ear. Please let us know if there's anything we can do, even if it's only to listen while you vent about some things.

[Icewraith]

I've just found that in normal situations there's no real reason to worry about special stuff like boundaries because everyone's willing to work things out. The only times I've ever hears a therapist bring up boundaries are in situations where you don't have any power to enforce them, and I've found therapists generally unwilling to allow that those sorts of situations occur (even to the point of telling me I should be doing something when I've consulted with a lawyer and been told I can't).


I just...every single time I've gone to a therapist I've walked out feeling stupid and worthless and like I wanted to kill myself, even when I was doing pretty well before I went there. Why go back to that?

Why go back?
You're not going "back" per se. You'll be in a different situation where a therapist may be more useful.

(snip)

Once you get out of there, finding a quality therapist -ideally one who specializes in or has expertise with victims of emotional abuse- would be wise.

might be necessary.

Why?

You've probably got some unhealthy but currently necessary coping mechanisms you could stand to unlearn once they're no longer required for daily interaction, you probably don't want to perpetuate the pattern where the abusee (you) goes on to later inflict more of the same kind of damage to someone else, and I also suspect you don't want to let more abusive types into your life. A good therapist may be able to help you with some or all of that.

It may not be immediately necessary- some kinds of emotional damage takes a while to really show up. But it's something you should keep in mind.

The other potential use of a therapist is as a kind of emotional personal trainer. If we accept the idea of your mother as someone who is unaware or willfully ignorant of the damage she does, it's possible she will try to re-establish the lack of boundaries or sabotage your ability to lead an independent life. You know how to knuckle under, be an emotional punching bag, keep the peace- you will need to actively defend your independence and your boundaries instead. Those decision trees may not even be in your headspace because they've been infeasible for so long. You might want to be ready for when she's expecting a punching bag and runs into your new brick wall.

[thamolas]

I suffered with a pretty severe chronic depression for more than half my life, with constant suicidal thoughts, occasional catatonia, and a constant oozy darkness pulling me into the pits of hopelessness. I CURED my depression.

I suffered with intense social anxiety for most of my life. I CURED that, too.

I'm not bragging. I'm showing you that it isn't hopeless and that real, lasting healing can be done.

If you're interested, I wrote a blog post about how I cured my depression. I'm not trying to spam the forum. I was in a similar position, once upon a time, trying a lot of stuff that didn't work and feeling desperate.

I think that most people who are in a position to seek help (or complain) on the internet are also in a position to take action and cure themselves, too.

[WarKitty]

I think the therapy conversation with me is just going to end up frustrating everyone involved at the moment.

It's something that I'll consider when I'm ready to consider it. Now is probably not that time.

[Kalmageddon]

A therapist is not for everyone and finding the right one is even more difficult.
With that said, powering through psychological issues on your own is something that works even more rarely.
When left to their own, the average person with psychological issues just wallows in self pity or denial, slowly getting worse.

Incidentally, I myself have dealt with my problems on my own, through much suffering and self sacrifice, until I came out of it victorious. Which is why I really hate how certain psychological terms are misused today by people looking for validation for their own problems.
Like, I fought a war in my head for years against my past, came out of it victorious and found out that nowadays people from tumblr throw the term around like it's nothing just to validate their ideology.
Ugh...

[WarKitty]

I suffered with a pretty severe chronic depression for more than half my life, with constant suicidal thoughts, occasional catatonia, and a constant oozy darkness pulling me into the pits of hopelessness. I CURED my depression.

I suffered with intense social anxiety for most of my life. I CURED that, too.

I'm not bragging. I'm showing you that it isn't hopeless and that real, lasting healing can be done.

If you're interested, I wrote a blog post about how I cured my depression. I'm not trying to spam the forum. I was in a similar position, once upon a time, trying a lot of stuff that didn't work and feeling desperate.

I think that most people who are in a position to seek help (or complain) on the internet are also in a position to take action and cure themselves, too.

Ummm...your solution is LSD and mushrooms? Seriously?

[HalfTangible]

Ummm...your solution is LSD and mushrooms? Seriously?

Yeah...

Don't do that. I doubt I need to say it, but don't.

[Jon_Dahl]

A week ago something happened that made me lose my sleep, and something like that happens only once in a decade.

I had this Internet friend whom I've known since 2013. We were very close and she sent me 47 e-mails including pictures of her family, her childhood photos and her address too. I have sent her and her family a Christmas card every year. It seemed like we were still very close when she told me two months ago that I'm her "old friend" and that I could "say stuff to her that others couldn't" and that I was "already part of home" , which means something along the lines of "like a family member". She shared lots of stuff, intimate stuff, with me.

Two weeks ago I got this course work where I had to research the local accent of the area where my friend lived. I had to do a few interviews, just five, with people who were native speakers of the local dialect. I tried to contact her several times in WhatsApp for a few days. Finally when I reached her, she told me that she had been traveling. I was so relieved, let me tell you! Like a stone off my chest! I told her about my research, but as I had remembered, she was not a native speaker of the local dialect, so she wasn't a right match for my study. However, she promised me to ask her friend(s) if they could help me out. I thanked her and told her that I would like to know more in four days if possible.

Four days passed and I sent her "Good morning". No reply. Another day passed and I asked her, politely as always, if she had had any luck.

Without a word she blocked me in WhatsApp and Facebook. I sent her an e-mail, but she hasn't replied me (it's been a week). Casually, I asked her sister what was going on, but I didn't tell her that I had been blocked. I just merely mentioned that I have been trying to reach her sister and it seemed as her Facebook account was unreachable. I just sent her this one message and I'm not going to send another. No reply.

So the last thing that I heard from her was that she was going to help me. It was the first time that I had asked any help from her. After that she blocked me without a word.

The interview was going to be a 10-minute easy-going chat with no right or wrong answers. Some teenagers have did the interview with me and it was no problem.

[Aedilred]

Ummm...your solution is LSD and mushrooms? Seriously?

I guess if you take enough of them and get lucky, you'll hallucinate a reality in which you're not depressed/anxious.

[OACSNY97]

WarKitty-
I was thinking about this post this morning while I was getting ready and it connected with a couple other things I _think_ you mentioned a while ago. If I'm mistaken, please ignore the following.

I believe, some while ago, you mentioned that you are active your church, if so, could you ask your clergyperson or an older member of the congregation to play third party mediator (and possibly host) for the "sit-down chat" you think this situation needs?
I've noticed that you have a deep distrust of therapists but would asking someone you know and can trust to be even-handed and respectful moderate the conversation help, especially if this person is someone both you and your mother respect?
It might even be worth asking the clergyperson to send your mom a written invitation to a "tea and chat" at the fellowship hall or his/her house or some other neutral third location to help diffuse the situation.

Hope things will work out.

***SNIP***
What frustrates me about this situation is that I feel like what needs to happen is to have a good sit-down chat about how to handle situations where one person feels the other isn't treating them right without it getting into a mess of everyone getting angry. But I'm feeling like we can't have that discussion, because it ends up being all about her and how awful I am to her, but it's rude of me to bring up anything about how I feel like I'm getting hurt too.

[kyoryu]

A week ago something happened that made me lose my sleep, and something like that happens only once in a decade.

Sounds like you made a motion to breach the internet divide, and that freaked her out.

[Jon_Dahl]

Sounds like you made a motion to breach the internet divide, and that freaked her out.

More than sending her and her family a Christmas card every year? Ok.

[Chen]

More than sending her and her family a Christmas card every year? Ok.

Yeah that's still an action that keeps you at a distance and is still somewhat impersonal. I send Christmas cards to all sorts of people I barely talk to otherwise.

It could be all sorts of things but with what you told us, the only reasonable conclusion is that in asking what you did she felt that it was no longer appropriate (for whatever reason) to continue speaking to you. Maybe she thinks you're interested in her and doesn't want anything like that. Maybe she felt what you asked was presumptuous and cut communication. Maybe she's a secret agent and thinks you're an enemy spy coming to try and kill her so she's proactively cutting communication and sending ninja assassins after you.

The last one is pretty unlikely, but the point is it could be all sorts of things. If she's legitimately cut communication (via blocking on Facebook and Whatsapp) guess its time to just let it go.

[Jon_Dahl]

Yeah that's still an action that keeps you at a distance and is still somewhat impersonal. I send Christmas cards to all sorts of people I barely talk to otherwise.

It could be all sorts of things but with what you told us, the only reasonable conclusion is that in asking what you did she felt that it was no longer appropriate (for whatever reason) to continue speaking to you. Maybe she thinks you're interested in her and doesn't want anything like that. Maybe she felt what you asked was presumptuous and cut communication. Maybe she's a secret agent and thinks you're an enemy spy coming to try and kill her so she's proactively cutting communication and sending ninja assassins after you.

The last one is pretty unlikely, but the point is it could be all sorts of things. If she's legitimately cut communication (via blocking on Facebook and Whatsapp) guess its time to just let it go.

Letting a friend down in time of need, when very little is required from you, is hard to let go. And the need was major and the time was very limited.

[Razade]

Ummm...your solution is LSD and mushrooms? Seriously?

If they're not hurting anyone and it's not illegal where they are then I don't see the problem. Both of those things alter dopamine and serotonin levels so it's conceivable that it has helped with their depression and anxiety. LSD isn't highly addictive on a chemical level and psilocybin has shown in numerous clinical research tests to actively treat depression.

If they are illegal though..ya know...don't break the law. I think getting arrested will be more harmful than the depression you're trying to treat and there are legal ways to do it.

[FinnLassie]

Letting a friend down in time of need, when very little is required from you, is hard to let go. And the need was major and the time was very limited.

Even though I completely don't agree with the way your friend decided to end the friendship, the *major* need and time being limited honestly could've been the thing that made her go "nope". Maybe she felt that you were expecting too much of her in a short time frame and couldn't handle it.

But, alas. What has been done has been done. Friendships dwindle or end in an abrupt manner, and it's just best to move on.

[Spanish_Paladin]

I think a friend of mine is ignoring me, usually we talk almost everyday by Skype or whatsapp... but in the last five days she is not answering my messages. For now it is not serious, but i didn´t expect anything like this and i don´t know what to do.

[Comrade]

I think a friend of mine is ignoring me, usually we talk almost everyday by Skype or whatsapp... but in the last five days she is not answering my messages. For now it is not serious, but i didn´t expect anything like this and i don´t know what to do.

Could be she's just been very busy lately, or has something going on. Checking in to make sure she's alright isn't a bad idea, but I wouldn't badger her or send a bunch of messages in succession; she'll answer in her own time.

[The Eye]

So my boss invented me to his house-warming party, and there is a pool, it will be a sunny day and he insisted that everyone brought swim suits. Isn’t that weird? I mean I never even meet him in person.

I think he invited all his employees, but why the swim suit thing? Shouldn’t it be a little more formal?

My boss is kind of a foolish young man who never did anything with his life and inertly everything from his father.

He had a spoiled life handed over to him in silver plate. Why doesn’t he do it with his other spoiled and young friends? I only work for him because I used to be friend with his father and the pay is good, I have no love for the company since I know he will run it to the ground.

But anyway, I do most of my work at home so I don’t interact a lot but I know one of my co-workers is fitness freak, and everyone loves him for that, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM! I don’t think I will be able to endure that brat sowing of his stupid six packs as if that was a great accomplishment.

Besides I’m a really weird, awkward person and not really intro parties. Would it be too impolite if I don’t go? Like I just don’t show up? Or should I make up some excuse? Or should I just man up and go?

[FinnLassie]

I think a friend of mine is ignoring me, usually we talk almost everyday by Skype or whatsapp... but in the last five days she is not answering my messages. For now it is not serious, but i didn´t expect anything like this and i don´t know what to do.

Oh sheesh, for a moment I thought this was about me but then I remembered we haven't whatsapp'd too regularly anyways. Gotta fix that.

Try not to stress this too much. Sometimes with people that I'm constantly in contact with, well, I kinda ignore them for a few days. That's kinda my personality though and it happens often enough that some people are fully aware of it... hurhmm.

[Aedilred]

So my boss invented me to his house-warming party, and there is a pool, it will be a sunny day and he insisted that everyone brought swim suits. Isn’t that weird? I mean I never even meet him in person.

I think he invited all his employees, but why the swim suit thing? Shouldn’t it be a little more formal?

My boss is kind of a foolish young man who never did anything with his life and inertly everything from his father.

He had a spoiled life handed over to him in silver plate. Why doesn’t he do it with his other spoiled and young friends? I only work for him because I used to be friend with his father and the pay is good, I have no love for the company since I know he will run it to the ground.

But anyway, I do most of my work at home so I don’t interact a lot but I know one of my co-workers is fitness freak, and everyone loves him for that, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM! I don’t think I will be able to endure that brat sowing of his stupid six packs as if that was a great accomplishment.

Besides I’m a really weird, awkward person and not really intro parties. Would it be too impolite if I don’t go? Like I just don’t show up? Or should I make up some excuse? Or should I just man up and go?

He's trying to be friendly and a cool boss. The swimsuit thing is to emphasise the informality of the occasion and to encourage everyone to let their hair down, as well as to make sure that people who decide they want to use the pool at the party don't find they guessed wrong and didn't bring a swimsuit. There might be an element of wanting to show off his great house and facilities but he's also making a point of making those facilities available to his employees for the day. "Come round and use my pool!" is a much more positive message than "come round and look at my pool, but don't touch!"

Personally, I am a relatively formal person and prefer a bit more formality in my relationship with everyone except close friends. But I think I am in something of a minority and there is nothing wrong with informality in this context. It's a housewarming party, after all, not an art gallery opening.

I'm sure he could do such a party with only his friends, but he wants to include his employees too. While there might be cynical motivations for that, it could also just be wanting to share what he has with people beyond his immediate social circle, if only for the day, and without any basis for attributing cynical motivations, it's not fair to do so.

Taking a step back, your attitude to this is kind of hilarious. You're outraged that someone has invited you to a private party where you have pretty much free run of the facilities at their house. How dare he?!

Whatever his motivations for doing this, I can say with certainty that his reasons absolutely do not include wanting to humiliate, embarrass, or inconvenience you. That you're viewing it like that suggests more problems with you than with him.

What to do in your shoes? Well, you don't have to go if you don't want to. It would be polite to reply to say you can't make it - you don't need to provide an excuse, just say "Thanks for the invitation, but I can't make it" or some variation on that. Much of the time a reply wouldn't be expected, but replying is still polite. He's invited you to his house, after all, the least you can do is bother to tell him you're not going.

Alternatively, you could go along in the spirit of fun rather than resentment and actually try to have a good time. Or you could view it as a work opportunity and a chance to meet your boss (and other colleagues/networking contacts) in person, which could ultimately be useful for your career. You don't have to stay long, just show up, say hi, be polite, have a chat then make a graceful excuse and head off. That would make a better impression than turning up and staying for the whole thing but sulking in the corner, or not going at all. If you do go, RSVP to say you'll be there (possibly not for very long, if you don't want to be there for long) and take a housewarming gift with you (a bottle of wine is a safe bet, unless your boss is teetotal).

[Razade]

So my boss invented me to his house-warming party, and there is a pool, it will be a sunny day and he insisted that everyone brought swim suits. Isn’t that weird? I mean I never even meet him in person.

I think he invited all his employees, but why the swim suit thing? Shouldn’t it be a little more formal?

My boss is kind of a foolish young man who never did anything with his life and inertly everything from his father.

He had a spoiled life handed over to him in silver plate. Why doesn’t he do it with his other spoiled and young friends? I only work for him because I used to be friend with his father and the pay is good, I have no love for the company since I know he will run it to the ground.

But anyway, I do most of my work at home so I don’t interact a lot but I know one of my co-workers is fitness freak, and everyone loves him for that, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM! I don’t think I will be able to endure that brat sowing of his stupid six packs as if that was a great accomplishment.

Besides I’m a really weird, awkward person and not really intro parties. Would it be too impolite if I don’t go? Like I just don’t show up? Or should I make up some excuse? Or should I just man up and go?

Maybe you should go an expand your social circle. You know, meet people, hang out, relax and try and form some networks with them. That could lead to all sorts of other chances to get out and party and enjoy yourself and make friends.

[Cicciograna]

Hey folks, I don't know if anybody of you reminds me: long time member of the forum, turned lurker in the last years because life shifts continuously, but I keep reading this fine forum, where truly amazing people dwell and interact.

Long story short, for those of you who don't remember me, I used to have...issues in finding a partner, and that, in turn, reverberated on my personal life in a way that made what I was doing seem less important. Basically, even if I am loved by essentially everyone interacting with me, I seem unable to find a partner, not for a long-term relationship, not a casual fling, not even just for sexual intercourse. And that, as you can imagine, bothered me.
To the point that yeah, I kinda started making very bad assumptions on my persona: I suffered from severe lack of self-esteem, felt continuously out of place, and sort of went through a "nobody-is-ever-going-to-like-me" phase, which even if could be reasonable in a teen, is somewhat misplaced in the behaviour of a 32 years old man.

I wanted to tell you that I am still alone, as far as partners go...but I feel great. I have successfully completed all the exams of my graduate program, and for the first time in...essentially 14 years, I am free to focus on what I want without the hassle of having to do homework, studying for classes, correcting tests and whatnot (don't get me wrong, learning is always fun, but at a certain point one feels the need to be productive, to go beyond the "student" phase and do some real work, instead of self-contained homework).
I can focus on the research for my supervisor (I am in particle physics), I can start going to the pool again, exercise, go jogging (finally fair weather is coming, woo!); I am even planning to buy a bike to go on campus: it's 40 minutes far, but I did it with a bike a friend of mine lent me, and it was great.
In the spare time I am applying some of the rudiments I got being a TA in the Electronics class, developing a keyring temperature and pressure reader. Just for fun, for the pleasure of doing it.
I am fighting against COMSOL to draw a very large solenoid, but you know what? It's FUN, because it's MY JOB, it's A CHALLENGE.

I had very bad times in the past. I recently had a long-distance fling that ended VERY BADLY for me, of course, but I don't care, I'm too satisfied with my life right now to consider such trifles. I have come to the point that if love, or sex, or romance, or whatever, comes into my life, I'll welcome it (if I manage to recognize it and to overcome my ancestral fears of rejection); but then, if they don't, well, who cares, my life is full as it is.
I used to live in function of the emptiness in my life. I have overcome it. My life is full.

[WarKitty]

As a practical matter - I don't think many people would consider it weird if you decided to hang out in swim trunks and a t-shirt. I know a lot of people aren't comfortable appearing in their swimwear around coworkers.

[Comrade]

Hey folks, I don't know if anybody of you reminds me: long time member of the forum, turned lurker in the last years because life shifts continuously, but I keep reading this fine forum, where truly amazing people dwell and interact.

I do remember your posts from a while back, I think. Glad to see you're doing a lot better!

[Spanish_Paladin]

Could be she's just been very busy lately, or has something going on. Checking in to make sure she's alright isn't a bad idea, but I wouldn't badger her or send a bunch of messages in succession; she'll answer in her own time.

Yeah, i don´t want to be pushy, i´ll give her some time.

Oh sheesh, for a moment I thought this was about me but then I remembered we haven't whatsapp'd too regularly anyways. Gotta fix that.

Try not to stress this too much. Sometimes with people that I'm constantly in contact with, well, I kinda ignore them for a few days. That's kinda my personality though and it happens often enough that some people are fully aware of it... hurhmm.

Yes, is one of my spanish friend. There is no problems with the Finland section .

[S@tanicoaldo]

So my boss invented me to his house-warming party, and there is a pool, it will be a sunny day and he insisted that everyone brought swim suits. Isn’t that weird? I mean I never even meet him in person.

I think he invited all his employees, but why the swim suit thing? Shouldn’t it be a little more formal?

My boss is kind of a foolish young man who never did anything with his life and inertly everything from his father.

He had a spoiled life handed over to him in silver plate. Why doesn’t he do it with his other spoiled and young friends? I only work for him because I used to be friend with his father and the pay is good, I have no love for the company since I know he will run it to the ground.

But anyway, I do most of my work at home so I don’t interact a lot but I know one of my co-workers is fitness freak, and everyone loves him for that, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM! I don’t think I will be able to endure that brat sowing of his stupid six packs as if that was a great accomplishment.

Besides I’m a really weird, awkward person and not really intro parties. Would it be too impolite if I don’t go? Like I just don’t show up? Or should I make up some excuse? Or should I just man up and go?

Try going and having fun, keep all your bad ideas and assumptions away. Try to enjoy. Then tell us if it worked.

I wanted to tell you that I am still alone, as far as partners go...but I feel great.

Good to know. That's the secret of fiding soemone, being happy with yourself, soemone else is just a bonus. No one is goign to be ineterest on you otherwise, why they should lvoe you if not even you love yourself?

[The Eye]

I decided to go, not sure if I will enjoy, but at least I may see my crush from work on a swimming suit.

Yes, I have a crush, is that another problem?

[WarKitty]

I decided to go, not sure if I will enjoy, but at least I may see my crush from work on a swimming suit.

Yes I have a crush, is that another problem?

I think that's called "being normal."