Personal Woes and Advice 4

[Comrade]

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How is it I can recognise a self-destructive pattern but continue to indulge it? For as long as I can remember I never really maintained any friendships for one reason or another-- they all just gradually died off without any particular reason or acrimony. Now that I recognise that tendency, rather than address it, I think I've started just cutting friends off myself rather than deal with that slow process. Meanwhile my attempts to rekindle friendship with the people I used to be friends with have generally failed woefully. I think I'm starting to forget how to actually be a friend.

[RoyVG]

You realise you're basically telling me I should and accept and be happy with the very root of my depression, right? It doesn't just come out of nowhere. Loneliness is the core of my depression. Take that away, and the other negative thoughts have no source to feed on and grow.

Your problems are not going to disappear overnight or in a week. You don't suddenly not feel lonely anymore because you're suddenly sharing a room with a loved one. You may convince yourself it will disappear but your depression has already taken root in other parts of your mind. If it cannot feed on your loneliness, it WILL find a way to express itself in another way, because that's the state of mind you are in right now. Your depression started by feeling lonely, but has now spread to many other feelings, and it will use those to get you back down. Will you feel comfortable with a guy that loves you for being a feminine man and not a woman? What if he would leave you once you start transitioning even though he made a 'promise' he wouldn't? You need to exterminate these secondary roots first before tackling the main root. Don't accept the fact you're lonely, but work on things surrounding it first. Most importantly, judge yourself first and not others for the failures in your life, society is reacting to you like you are reacting to society. Reject society and it will reject you, and I know for a fact that at least one of the two, society or you, is not going to change their view before the other does.

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How is it I can recognise a self-destructive pattern but continue to indulge it? For as long as I can remember I never really maintained any friendships for one reason or another-- they all just gradually died off without any particular reason or acrimony. Now that I recognise that tendency, rather than address it, I think I've started just cutting friends off myself rather than deal with that slow process. Meanwhile my attempts to rekindle friendship with the people I used to be friends with have generally failed woefully. I think I'm starting to forget how to actually be a friend.

I also sadly second this story.

[Skeppio]

Your problems are not going to disappear overnight or in a week. You don't suddenly not feel lonely anymore because you're suddenly sharing a room with a loved one. You may convince yourself it will disappear but your depression has already taken root in other parts of your mind. If it cannot feed on your loneliness, it WILL find a way to express itself in another way, because that's the state of mind you are in right now. Your depression started by feeling lonely, but has now spread to many other feelings, and it will use those to get you back down. Will you feel comfortable with a guy that loves you for being a feminine man and not a woman? What if he would leave you once you start transitioning even though he made a 'promise' he wouldn't? You need to exterminate these secondary roots first before tackling the main root. Don't accept the fact you're lonely, but work on things surrounding it first. Most importantly, judge yourself first and not others for the failures in your life, society is reacting to you like you are reacting to society. Reject society and it will reject you, and I know for a fact that at least one of the two, society or you, is not going to change their view before the other does.

If I had a loved one, I would no longer be lonely. I can't feel something if undeniable contrary evidence is right there in front of me. It's the source of my depression, without it, other woes are far more minor and manageable.
I'd be comfortable with anyone who treats me with anything above disgust. And if they left me, I'd be alone again but with extra rejection. So I'd probably just end it.
Working on other factors never results in any progress, since the loneliness is still there. As long as the loneliness is there, it feeds the depression and gives it power.

No matter how my attitude changes, society has already made it's mind up about me. I can't change their minds when they already hate me.

[dehro]

You realise you're basically telling me I should and accept and be happy with the very root of my depression, right? It doesn't just come out of nowhere. Loneliness is the core of my depression. Take that away, and the other negative thoughts have no source to feed on and grow.

you're missing my point entirely... and also not answering my question: would you date someone in your situation, if you were not in your situation yourself?
if your answer is no, why do you expect it to be yes from anybody else? why not focus on changing the things that you feel would make you a bad partner, instead of focusing on blaming the world for conspiring to make you undateable?
you cannot cure loneliness by dating/looking to be in a relationship if you keep insisting that you are unsuited for dating or a relationship, nor by blaming the world for not finding a partner without acknowledging that you can and should at least take some steps to put yourself in a better place than you are now..
As long as you don't change at least the things you CAN change to make yourself more appealing for a potential partner, you will always fail at finding one.

Do you brush your teeth and/or comb your hair before being seen in public? Preparing for a date or rather, preparing yourself to be date-able and a worthy candidate for a date is not much different. You recognize your hair is a mess and stay home working with a brush until it's somewhat more decent.
When your hair gets a passing grade, whether it's fabulous or not, you walk out. The same applies to preparing for a date. If you don't have money to pay for a girl's dinner/date, you don't fix a date until you've saved up enough money... if you are dressed in a tracksuit you change into something that will make a better impression.. if you are miserable and angry 99% of the time, you find something that puts a smile on your face and work off some steam before heading for your date. If you don't do these things, your date will not go well. It really is as simple as that.
Now, you are in a worse place than the "simple" one I defined. You need to both cure the source of your depression, loneliness AND make yourself appealing or at least worthy of consideration for a potential date/partner, and the only way to do both these things is to engage with the world and the people around you, no matter how many kicks in the face this sends your way. You can't do the dating thing without something of a headstart or a run-up. Your own experience confirms this.
So try curing loneliness with friendships instead. It is NOT a poor substitute.. it's a stepping stone, and a necessary one at that. Casual or otherwise as said friendship may be, it's still easier to come by and to mantain than an actual committed relationship. It's the run-up you need to land a date with anyone.
Do change at least some of your habits, attitudes and reactions to what happens to and around you. Broaden some of your traits and interests to accomodate enough room for compromise between the things you like and want in your life and the things that are out there for the taking. Once you have at least a semblance of a reasonable social circle, the opportunity to find a partner willing to accomodate with your problems will presents itself much more readily than if you sit thight in your tower of sadness and make no concessions or compromises to yourself or anyone else.
Blaming yourself or the world does not do a single thing to change your current situation, so try taking on board at least some advice that has been given to you, rather than taking everything as a personal affront or being adversarial and confrontational about those suggestions.
Make a list of the things you do as a habit and the traits you exhibit, the things you have tried and haven't worked (or worked only in a limited way).. think hard about those things on the list and try to determine which ones are holding you back and which ones fail to impress anyone. once you've identified those things, change them if you can as much as you can. ADD NEW STUFF to the list, stuff you haven't tried, whether it's activities, interests or attitudes and ways you relate, connect or react to people. try those out.
if they don't work either, ADD NEW STUFF.
If you want to beat loneliness, the only thing you can do is to keep putting yourself out there. Anything less than that will not work. again, don't try to run if you can't walk. work the odds in your favour. finding friends is statistically speaking easier than finding a partner and more economical in terms of personal investment, emotional or otherwise.. so try to find friends first.. having friends and people who care about you (AND WHOM YOU CARE ABOUT) makes you a more appealing partner candidate to pretty much anybody who isn't just looking for sex... so think of it as a tool, as I said, a stepping stone.

[Skeppio]

If they wanted to date me, then I would. At least we'd both have someone who understands us completely. Besides, the things that make me a bad partner are either unchangeable, like my height and appearance, or are things that make me who I am, like my hobbies.

Of course I brush my teeth and comb my hair before I go out. Not that it makes a difference, people still look at me with disgust no matter how I look or dress.

Friendships can't cure the loneliness. You can only do so much with friends before it's considered "awkward" and "creepy". Even hugging a friend is out of the question. So they can't help.

I've tried changing my attitude so many times. All that happened was people worked even harder to bring me down. My attitude is the way it is precisely because of the countless past attempts at socialising I've made failed every single time, most often disastrously.

There's nothing totally new to me that would interest me. And if I attempt it solely for meeting people, I'm only going to meet people that want nothing to do with me.

Besides, this singles night i was planning to go to is only a few days away, not enough time to be cured of depression. Are you suggesting I not go, and waste the only opportunity like this I've had in something like 8+ years?

[Serpentine]

So i'm starting to actually seriously consider going and getting a diagnosis either way on whether or not I have Asperger's. My mum (a doctor) and my sister (not a doctor) have practically assumed that I have it for years - when a friend of mine was diagnosed and I told mum, she said "I would've thought you had it before him!" Reading up on it tended to veer back and forth on whether or not it sounded accurate, but then recently I got a hold of something specifically about how it manifests in girls, and a lot of it felt pretty familiar. Of the 45 points on that list, about 8ish were "Yes! That's me! That's a thing?!", about half a dozen didn't fit at all, while the rest were somewhere between "Oh yeah, that fits" and "Maybe, depending what is meant by that".

Spoiler: More details on the list

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The "yes!" points include:
- Youthful for age in looks, dress, behaviour and tastes.
- May have many androgynous traits...
- May not have a strong sense of identity, can be very chameleon-like.
- Enjoys reading and films as a retreat, often scifi, fantasy, etc.
- Highly intelligent yet sometimes can be slow to comprehend due to sensory and cognitive processing issues. (I wouldn't say "highly" intelligent, but I've been saying forever that I'm smart enough but really slow)
- Will not do well with verbal instruction - needs to write down or draw diagram
- Moody and prone to bouts of depression.
- Often prefers the company of animals...

The ones that didn't sound right were:
- May have a savant skill or strong talent(s). (I'm mediocre to decent at most things)
- Anxiety and fear are predominant emotions.
- Probably given several different prescriptions to treat symptoms. Will be very sensitive to medications and anything else put in body. (I'm not particularly sensitive to anything, and I haven't really been on any medication. The latter might have something to do with Dr Mum, though)
- Will shut down in social situations once overloaded... (I can get quiet if the conditions aren't right, but I wouldn't say I "shut down")
- Doesn't go out much. Will prefer to go out with partner only or children if has them.
- Due to sensory issues, will either really enjoy sex or strongly dislike it. (I like it, but I don't really get that much out of the act itself)

Then there's the rest...

Note that I know a list of traits off the internet is definitely not anything resembling an actual diagnosis, but it is making me think there might be something worth checking out properly.

Anyway, aside from the general musings, now that my thinking's gone from "hey, I might have Asperger's" to "No really, I actually could be a person with Asperger's syndrome and if so that would be the reason for a lot of my various traits and such", I've found my thinking changing a bit, in not necessarily very good ways. I think, for example, if it turned out I do have it I could be at risk of brushing off my flaws with "eh, that's Aspies for you!" which would be not-good. And there's a more vague sense that if these various traits of mine are attributable to the syndrome, then they're not really me exactly, which is a strange new existential crisis I haven't quite felt enough to work my way out of, and I don't even know whether I have it yet.
But there was another realisation today, that I could see it being used by other people to not bother improving their interactions with me. Mostly my mother (and to a lesser extent my sister). I was talking to my mum about it, and the reasons for getting a diagnosis at all (mostly because it'd explain some things and it might also give me a framework to improve some things), and she said something along the lines of "And it'd help your mother and big sister to understand you better". And I was thinking about that today, and... it'd just reinforce it with her that every problem we have is my fault, not her. If I have it, then it'll be just the Asperger's making me too sensitive, not her being insensitive. It'll be the Asperger's making me antisocial, not her friends making me uncomfortable or me just not really feeling like whatever. I'm being quiet because my Aspies is making me shut down, not because anything i want to talk about is either banned, of no interest to her, or likely to lead to me getting told off or feeling crappy. She won't have to change anything (not that she does anyway) because it'll just be all the Aspies' fault. I'm tempted to go get the diagnosis and, if I do have it, not tell her... Except I'm terrible at not telling people things, so that won't happen.

Anyways. Not a lot of advice needed. Just felt the need to type it all out somewhere. I'll try and make an appointment somewhere sometime soon.

[lio45]

If you wanted to become a physicist.. Would you start with basic thermodynamics or would you jump straight to string theory?

For the record, one would normally start with the branch that's called "mechanics" (stuff like F=ma, etc.) before thermodynamics.

[lio45]

We've gone over this already. Your statements are simply not true and fly in the face of the life experiences of pretty much everybody here and everybody I know outside this place. The only people whose life is or was ruined by missing trains during their formative years are those who let such missed trains define them and ruin their life. Relationships of any degree simply do not work the way you keep claiming they do and people seek and find, by design or accident, new relations at any age or turn of events in their lives. Your desperate clinging to your theory that this is not true or could never be true for you is precisely what is making it not true for you. It's your depression talking and making those decisions for you.

That is absolutely true and it's more true than ever right now in the age of communication. New contacts are easier to make than ever before.

I could move to Australia right now, not knowing anybody (well, I have one ex there who's still a good friend, but for the sake of this example, I wouldn't even need her to jump-start my social life by bringing me into her current Aussie circles) and I am sure that I'd meet people via activities (say, local soccer or ultimate frisbee league, etc.) online sites for people with similar interests (hiking, etc.) and soon have a little circle of new friends.

(I did exactly that once: I moved 3,000 miles away and I did not know a single person over there... I had to start from scratch, I was 100% local-friends-free at first.)

With the right attitude, in 2015, you can start with zero friends anytime. The internet makes it really easy.

Of course, if the big reason you have very few friends in the first place still afflicts you, you might have to work on that first......

But I totally second what dehro says, rest assured, you have not missed any boat.

[RoyVG]

-Snip for size-

Asperger's is certainly a disorder that can be hard to track in the early stages if not enough attention is given to it. I was diagnosed with Asperger's when I was 12-13 years old, when I was doing my 1st or second year of middle school, while my brother and sister were diagnosed with a different form autism at a way younger age. It was mainly because it was assumed nothing was wrong with me in the first years that I made it that I had a 'normal' education on a normal school. THat helped me develop in a more normal way, causing it be become less visible.

Be careful though, because a bad doctor can just give you the diagnosis because it only 'looks' like you have it, they don't do a thorough examination. It took many psychiatrists and psychologists for me to get a diagnosis and most of them gave real definitive answer anyway, only the last one did, but maybe because the 'symptoms' were becoming more apparent around that time. But don't use it as an excuse for your behavior, that would give confirmed Asperger's victims like me a bad name

[Serpentine]

Yeah, not a bad point about the doctor. In fact, I might even contact my last GP to ask who she was going to refer me to... I'm not really particularly impressed by my current doctor.
And yeah, no. Like I said, that'd be bad. Explanation, not excuse.

[Skeppio]

That is absolutely true and it's more true than ever right now in the age of communication. New contacts are easier to make than ever before.

I could move to Australia right now, not knowing anybody (well, I have one ex there who's still a good friend, but for the sake of this example, I wouldn't even need her to jump-start my social life by bringing me into her current Aussie circles) and I am sure that I'd meet people via activities (say, local soccer or ultimate frisbee league, etc.) online sites for people with similar interests (hiking, etc.) and soon have a little circle of new friends.

(I did exactly that once: I moved 3,000 miles away and I did not know a single person over there... I had to start from scratch, I was 100% local-friends-free at first.)

With the right attitude, in 2015, you can start with zero friends anytime. The internet makes it really easy.

Of course, if the big reason you have very few friends in the first place still afflicts you, you might have to work on that first......

But I totally second what dehro says, rest assured, you have not missed any boat.

I noticed you only used physical activities and sports as you examples. That is why you'd be able to make friends in this country. Our nation is obsessed with sports. I don't enjoy any sport. Thus, people look down on me and my opportunities for social contact are crippled. And any groups that share my interests are already closed off. I've scoured every possible option I could find.
The internet may make things easier in America, but here in Australia, the options are far more thin and limited.

[dehro]

Besides, this singles night i was planning to go to is only a few days away, not enough time to be cured of depression. Are you suggesting I not go, and waste the only opportunity like this I've had in something like 8+ years?

I suggest you go, if you can muster a positive attitude and spend at least as much time making generic contacts for other social events or simply contacts with people with a view of sharing common interests and passions in a friendly manner as you will spend trying to land a date.
for all you know, one of the friends you could make at this event has a relative that is just waiting for someone like you.. but you'll never know if all you will do is try to catch a date.

[Skeppio]

I suggest you go, if you can muster a positive attitude and spend at least as much time making generic contacts for other social events or simply contacts with people with a view of sharing common interests and passions in a friendly manner as you will spend trying to land a date.
for all you know, one of the friends you could make at this event has a relative that is just waiting for someone like you.. but you'll never know if all you will do is try to catch a date.

Why would I do that? I've already said that friends aren't what I need.

[Serpentine]

As he said shortly afterwards:

I suggest you go, if you can muster a positive attitude and spend at least as much time making generic contacts for other social events or simply contacts with people with a view of sharing common interests and passions in a friendly manner as you will spend trying to land a date.
for all you know, one of the friends you could make at this event has a relative that is just waiting for someone like you.. but you'll never know if all you will do is try to catch a date.

[Skeppio]

What are the odds of such a convenient coincidence though?

[RoyVG]

Why would I do that? I've already said that friends aren't what I need.

Or to put dehro's words a bit more blunt, (ab)use them. Once you know they won't be able to provide you with what you need, drop them and look further. If everyone is a parasite to you, be the same to them. You have nothing to lose if you go in with that mentality :/. You're only using them to get more contacts and open up your field of vision. Might not be the most righteous path, but why bother if 'going by the book' is not yielding results. There are a couple of people I can consider as friends after someone else introduced them to me (including my current D&D group).

What are the odds of such a convenient coincidence though?

Consider it this way, what else do you have to lose at this point? Just give it a shot, and go to that singles night.

[Skeppio]

Or to put dehro's words a bit more blunt, (ab)use them. Once you know they won't be able to provide you with what you need, drop them and look further. If everyone is a parasite to you, be the same to them. You have nothing to lose if you go in with that mentality :/. You're only using them to get more contacts and open up your field of vision. Might not be the most righteous path, but why bother if 'going by the book' is not yielding results. There are a couple of people I can consider as friends because someone else introduced them to me (including my current D&D group).


Consider it this way, what else do you have to lose at this point?

I can still lose my last shred of self-respect if I even considered such a vile and disgusting tactic like that!

You may think I'm nothing but a selfish twisted monster, but I'm not.

[RoyVG]

I can still lose my last shred of self-respect if I even considered such a vile and disgusting tactic like that!

Why treat anyone better than the way you have been treated before? My mother has a saying she always tells me: 'Every man for himself, and God for us all'. You need to prioritize your own well-being above that of someone else's.

EDIT:
I will admit I was a bit harsh in my wording there, my apologies. Please realize we are all trying to help you with the best intentions. The last thing we want to hear is a suicide letter.

[Skeppio]

Why treat anyone better than the way you have been treated before? My mother has a saying she always tells me: 'Every man for himself, and God for us all'. You need to prioritize your own well-being above that of someone else's.

EDIT:
I will admit I was a bit harsh in my wording there, my apologies. Please realize we are all trying to help you with the best intentions. The last thing we want to hear is a suicide letter.

If I treat others like tools to manipulate for my own greed, then I have no right to complain about it happening to me.
Look, I'm sorry too. I've been like a brick wall. I just want you to know I'm not being stubborn out of hate or malice, but out of past experiences that've left me intensely paranoid at all times. I'm scared of people, yet at the same time I desperately want to be loved by one. The two views conflict in my head and drive me crazy.
I have an appointment with my therapist in two days. I'll tell her as much as possible and I can only hope it'll repair my mood enough to go to this singles night with a positive outlook. It's just that these events are so rare that if things don't go well this time, I don't know when or even if i'll get another chance. :(

[RoyVG]

If I treat others like tools to manipulate for my own greed, then I have no right to complain about it happening to me.
Look, I'm sorry too. I've been like a brick wall. I just want you to know I'm not being stubborn out of hate or malice, but out of past experiences that've left me intensely paranoid at all times. I'm scared of people, yet at the same time I desperately want to be loved by one. The two views conflict in my head and drive me crazy.
I have an appointment with my therapist in two days. I'll tell her as much as possible and I can only hope it'll repair my mood enough to go to this singles night with a positive outlook. It's just that these events are so rare that if things don't go well this time, I don't know when or even if i'll get another chance. :(

You want to see the good in people and by giving away all this positive energy, you also expect it in return, that alone is a very good quality to have and you should be rewarded for it . I'm somewhat the same way in that regards, and I also get bitten in the @$$ every time I don't get that positive energy back. It's just a real big shame that some of us are not fortunate enough to get equal amounts in return.

Considering your past experiences, it's only natural you start to sound so bitter. I've also been searching for a relationship for quite some time, but never found the one that was good for me, and it's starting to become disheartening as well. You are not a bad person and you don't want to be, and seeing you are so desperate for help shows you are at the edge of collapsing under the weight of all that negative energy. You want to be a good person, but it is made really hard for you to keep on smiling. To be honest, I envy you a bit for having so many people trying to help you out, I hope you do realize that

If your mood does not improve after the therapy session, come back here and just talk with us, we'll try to lighten your mood

[lio45]

Why would I do that? I've already said that friends aren't what I need.

As dehro said, if your goal is to run, you first need to walk.

Or as he nearly said, if your goal is quantum physics, you need to master basic wave phenomena physics first.

You clearly need to work on your social skills, and it's really the same skillset that's needed for both getting new friends and getting new dates.

[Chen]

I noticed you only used physical activities and sports as you examples. That is why you'd be able to make friends in this country. Our nation is obsessed with sports. I don't enjoy any sport. Thus, people look down on me and my opportunities for social contact are crippled. And any groups that share my interests are already closed off. I've scoured every possible option I could find.
The internet may make things easier in America, but here in Australia, the options are far more thin and limited.

You realize there are still a large number of people, in most places, that enjoy other things? I mean PAX Aus is IN Melbourne every year. Considering this forum, I have to imagine you share interests in some if not many of the activities that go on at a convention like that. The fact the convention is there means there's likely a sizable demographic of people who also enjoy that kind of thing.

[lio45]

I noticed you only used physical activities and sports as you examples.

For intellectual honestly reasons, I've been sticking to real examples from my own life, but I'm absolutely sure it's possible to do that for activities like board games, table roleplaying, etc.

That is why you'd be able to make friends in this country. Our nation is obsessed with sports. I don't enjoy any sport. Thus, people look down on me and my opportunities for social contact are crippled. And any groups that share my interests are already closed off. I've scoured every possible option I could find.
The internet may make things easier in America, but here in Australia, the options are far more thin and limited.

What are your interests? Let us see if we can find something.

I am also extremely skeptical that your hobbies "make you a bad partner". What are those hobbies exactly? If they're legal, you're likely good...

Besides, the things that make me a bad partner are either unchangeable, like my height and appearance, or are things that make me who I am, like my hobbies.

[Crow]

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How is it I can recognise a self-destructive pattern but continue to indulge it? For as long as I can remember I never really maintained any friendships for one reason or another-- they all just gradually died off without any particular reason or acrimony. Now that I recognise that tendency, rather than address it, I think I've started just cutting friends off myself rather than deal with that slow process. Meanwhile my attempts to rekindle friendship with the people I used to be friends with have generally failed woefully. I think I'm starting to forget how to actually be a friend.

I have much the same problem. I don't know how to correct it, but I can at least say that I'm right there with you. I pretty much just gave up and got a dog.

[dehro]

I can still lose my last shred of self-respect if I even considered such a vile and disgusting tactic like that!

You may think I'm nothing but a selfish twisted monster, but I'm not.

There is nothing underhand or disgusting in making a connection with someone who shares a few interests with you.. Especially if you do it without ulterior motives or malice. If it should happen that somewhere down the line they introduce you to someone who could be a potential partner, that's just gravy.. And If they don't, they still may turn out to become a friend. Now, you may claim that friends are not what you need... But I don't think you're right; why turn your back on the possibility of making one? For all you know they might turn out to be the wingman you needed... Or maybe just someone to hang out with and on whose shoulder to cry if you don't find a partner. It beats sulking alone nine times out of ten.
It's really a basic concept. The more people you know and are socially engaged with on a semi-regular basis at least, whether it's IRL or online, the more your chances are that those social engagements bring about a potential date, whether it's with one of those people who develop an interest in you, someone you meet through any one of those persons or someone extraneous whom you meet because whatever social occurrence just happens to place you and the other person in the same place at the same time.
Say you go to the event.. If you only focus on finding a date, either you get lucky or you don't. Given your current disposition, I don't fancy your chances at this particular time, but it might just happen.
But If you ALSO exchange an address or two with someone whom you might want engage with in a friendly but not romantic manner, it might just lead to one of the scenarios I mentioned.
You've got nothing to lose by doing so and everything to gain, be it a potential friend or somebody through which, one way or another, you just happen to bump into the person you are looking for. You owe it to yourself to generate the most opportunities you can.

[Avin]

Hey all. Longtime lurker, first time poster etc. <wave>

I have much the same problem. I don't know how to correct it, but I can at least say that I'm right there with you. I pretty much just gave up and got a dog.

I used to have this problem: gradually lost all my high school/college friends to attrition, none of us did anything wrong that I can tell, we just drifted apart. For years this really bothered me; spent a lot of effort trying to figure out what I could do differently to hang onto my friends longterm. Tried to rekindle friendships that had faded away, with little to no success. And after college, well, I came to realize how incredibly easy it had made socializing - with that handicap gone, my existing friends eventually bled away over the years and I got to a point where I had 0 friends of the "could meet up with them tonight" variety.

The weird thing is, I recently (past year or so) got over it - restarted my social circle from scratch and it's been slowly growing, despite losses. I'm not an expert on getting/keeping friends by any means yet, but my working Unified Theory of Friendship goes something like this:

1. Friends naturally drift apart with time. It happens, it's inevitable, expect it - people change, their interests and circumstances and geographical location change, the friends you're close to now probably won't be so close in a year or a decade. I'm not discounting the possibility of lifelong kindergarten-to-nursing-home friends, but I suspect it's such a rare thing you can't count on it happening (at least, I'm not so lucky).

2. You need to meet new people and make new friends out of them faster than you lose the old ones. Say in the past year, two or three of your longterm friends got married, had kids, and suddenly have no time to hang out or even talk anymore (a huge source of friend-attrition for me in my 20s) - that's actually OK as long as you've met 40 new people in that year, and 4 of them turned into good friends. May seem cynical, but I honestly believe it's just a numbers game.

3. Keep in mind that your current friends, the people you're close to now? They're following step (2) right now. They're in the process of developing new interests, meeting new people, making new friends, they may meet some friends who are a better fit for them than you are and then you drift apart. (1) makes (2) necessary, and (2) contributes to more of (1), it's a cycle.

Of course the tricky part is still how to make new friends. I find it's easier if I just accept the fact that friends (and myself, as well) are constantly changing and developing new interests and possibly drifting apart - so instead of being upset by that, I'm using it to my advantage. If a friend and I just don't have as much in common as we used to, I'm not trying to change myself or them to salvage that friendship. Instead I'm looking for new people who I do have things in common with, any new interests I've developed lately are sources of potential friends. I work at maintaining my current friendships too, of course, but I'm not going to cling to them past the point where we just don't connect like we used to - I'm at peace with the idea that many friendships don't last.

..and typing that I realize I've turned into a bit of a cynical child-born-out-of-wedlock with time, but I can live with that. I'm far happier and more socially successful than I was when I expected all my friends to last a lifetime.

[lio45]

I'm scared of people, yet at the same time I desperately want to be loved by one. The two views conflict in my head and drive me crazy.
I have an appointment with my therapist in two days. I'll tell her as much as possible and I can only hope it'll repair my mood enough to go to this singles night with a positive outlook. It's just that these events are so rare that if things don't go well this time, I don't know when or even if i'll get another chance. :(

Out of curiosity, Skeppio, what do you think of this post?

http://www.giantitp.com/forums/shows...postcount=1173


FYI, I'm totally willing to try to offer you custom advice in preparation for this event (IMO, you should really go) and it can be done via PM if you are more comfortable with that, though there are some advantages to making the discussion public as well.

[Icewraith]

If I treat others like tools to manipulate for my own greed, then I have no right to complain about it happening to me.
Look, I'm sorry too. I've been like a brick wall. I just want you to know I'm not being stubborn out of hate or malice, but out of past experiences that've left me intensely paranoid at all times. I'm scared of people, yet at the same time I desperately want to be loved by one. The two views conflict in my head and drive me crazy.
I have an appointment with my therapist in two days. I'll tell her as much as possible and I can only hope it'll repair my mood enough to go to this singles night with a positive outlook. It's just that these events are so rare that if things don't go well this time, I don't know when or even if i'll get another chance. :(

There will be other chances. Don't think of this as a single opportunity from which you must extract maximum value and a lover. This is practice.

Practice lowering your shields. Practice making conversation. Practice talking about your hobbies without going into too much depth (unless the other person shares your hobby). If you're lucky, you'll get to practice trying to make normal conversation in the presence of a person you find ludicrously attractive. You're probably going to be bad at some or all of this. That's ok.

The only goal you should really have in mind is to try and learn from whatever happens, and to improve your social skills. Anything else that happens is a bonus.

Also remember that the whole purpose of the night is to meet other people. You're supposed to mingle and strike up conversations with strangers. If there's some part of your brain that doesn't want you to do that out of fear that you'll make a fool of yourself, shut that part up. As long as you never get any practice being social, that part of your brain will ALWAYS BE RIGHT.

Targets of opportunity include people you hit it off with, people who share at least one of your interests, people who are into something you thought sounded cool but never really had the time for, and people who know people that share your interests.

i.e.

"You're into [model rockets/LARPing/yoga/sport of your choice/game/etc]? My [roommate/cousin/neighbor/etc.] goes over to [location] every [time] and does that with a bunch of people."

If you happen to get one of those, between the power of the internet and knowing a location and time, you should be able to just show up and meet a bunch of people who share your interests, even if nobody at the singles event did. ("Someone said there was a group of [x] that meets here and I thought I'd see what's up.") You can also give that person your contact information and ask them to please pass it on.

But even if nobody there really clicks with you, you've still gotten practice at being social and meeting people.

[FinnLassie]

My doctor's been out of reach for a couple of months now... thankfully got a hold of someone who's a-ok and authorised to renew my prescription. Having high anxieties about calling unknown people isn't really helpful, when you're running out of meds. And I already ran out of them. Like. A week or two ago. I've been a trainwreck.

[lio45]

My doctor's been out of reach for a couple of months now... thankfully got a hold of someone who's a-ok and authorised to renew my prescription. Having high anxieties about calling unknown people isn't really helpful, when you're running out of meds. And I already ran out of them. Like. A week or two ago. I've been a trainwreck.

I guess the lesson to be learned here is not to wait until you're out of meds to start thinking about restocking the shelves...

Doctor away for a couple months in a row, I would assume there's a backup doctor? It shouldn't have been a problem, at first sight.