Personal Woes and Advice 4

[Skeppio]

Oh, okay. Apparently someone here contacted my brother last night and alerted him of my issues without my consent or knowledge. In doing so, this caused both him and mum to waste my entire night with the same unhelpful advice I've heard, implemented, and found useless hundreds of times.

Not cool. At all.

Who is meddling in my affairs?

[Glass Mouse]

I don't think there's much use in looking for another rheumy right now - he did a lot of tests, and while he was a jerk, I don't think he was completely incompetent.

I'm now waiting for the results from the coenzyme 10 test (hopefully I get them tomorrow), but I already stared taking supplements. And waiting for the neurologist my GP recommended to come back from vacation on Monday so I can make an appointment. Hopefully I don't have to wait months for the appointment.

Also, I'm thinking about taking next semester off if I'm still feeling this bad next year (new semester starts in April), so I can really focus all my energy on at least finding out what's wrong and maybe getting better. There's an out-patient pain clinic near my parent's home, and while I'm not quite that desperate yet, I'll keep the option of going there in mind.

Fingers crossed!

There's no shame in slowing things down and taking the time necessary to heal and get the help you need. I hope it's not gonna be necessary (neither the clinic nor the semester off), but it's good to know you have options.

[AvatarVecna]

Luck is far more of a contributing factor than intelligence in that regard.

Hard work is even better. It doesn't matter how smart, or lucky, or strong, or macho you are or aren't; if you put in the effort, you can all-but-literally move mountains.

I'd still be lacking behind those that have been doing it for years, decades even. The kind of person people actually desire.

What, you mean the same thing you're doing now, only less so? If you have to compete with those people anyway, you may as well at least try to get out of last place. But maybe you don't want to get more attractive via working out for some reason, and that's okay. What isn't okay is complaining that there's no options available while rejecting the suggested options because you're too far behind. Becoming the person you want to be (and who other people want) is going to be an uphill battle no matter who you are, because meeting the expectations of others and yourself is a virtually impossible task. But if that's the goal you're gonna set for yourself, you gotta put in the effort if you want to achieve it. Evaluate your life, figure out what you want, and then go for it. Grab life by the throat and make it give you the life you want to have. Whining about the life you've been given isn't going to change the life you've got; you can complain about the lemons life's given you, you can make lemonade with them, or you can make life take the lemons back and give you what you actually wanted. Two of those solutions can solve your lemon problem...one will just send you into a downward spiral of self-loathing depression.

So the best I should shoot for is "doesn't actively despise everything you love"?

You're right, how dare people have standards that don't coincide with your desire to get the life you want without ever changing something about yourself? Don't that know that self-loathing, suicidal nerd-rage is supposed to be the new sexy?

Then what the hell are you? Without my hobbies, there's nothing about me that makes me different from a robot, except that I'll wither and die long before the robot rusts or breaks.

I am a 5' 5", 240 lbs, acne-scarred, directionless 20-something living in a small town smack dab in the middle of ****ing Nowhere, Texas. I work at a family business, and need to check online family trees before dating somebody local; I have opinions on politics and religions that have on multiple occasions made me a complete outcast in my little community where everybody knows everybody else, and gossip is almost as powerful a force of social discipline as church and football (American football), both of which shut down the town for their duration. I am covered in little pockmarks all over my body from where teenage me picked at pimples and blemishes until they became small open wounds...and then picked at the scabs days later...and again, and again, and again, and now they're basically permanent despite not getting picked at in years. I am the little prick with scars on his wrists who had to convince a dozen adults, including the superintendent and my friggin' pastor, to allow our high school to have a D&D club; in the four months it took from having the idea to getting the club going, I was an anathema as far as most were concerned, and I went into a spiral depression that nearly had me breaking in a new pack of razors. I am a short, fat, nerdy little prick of an excuse for a real person who has somehow managed to grow a support group of people who love me despite, and maybe even because of, my many flaws. I am in the process of getting my life together; the future is a scary place filled with what if's and trap options, but trying and failing is infinitely better than never trying and forever regretting what you never attempted.

I am a person, with many complexities, many opinions about the world around me, many stories to tell, many secrets to keep, many shames to regret. I am a person, and I'm getting better at being one every day...but only because I'm putting in the effort, because the person I was is not a person I want to be anymore, because the self-centered, self-loathing prick that was me in my pre-senior year...that ******* can continue rotting in the place I left him, curled up in a ball complaining about the world he's found himself in. I move forward...or maybe I move backward, or sideways, or up, or down. But refusing to change, to reevaluate myself and my desires, to understand my standards and my goals, that never accomplished anything; in fact, it only ever made my problems harder to overcome. Every scar I made on myself, every notch in my psyche I put there to keep myself from making progress, every insult screamed at myself in my head as I forced a smile on my face and fought back the tears, is a hurdle that must be passed.

I am more than my hobbies. I am more than my family, my friends, my culture. I am more than my religion, than my politics. I am all of those things, and more, thrown into the blender of life and puree'd. I am a person, because I force myself not to let the old me hold me back. I am becoming a person I can tolerate...and hopefully, I will become a person others can tolerate as well. I have overcome a lot of hardships, a lot of bad luck, a lot of societal preferences, to become the person I am today, and to try and become the person I wish to be tomorrow. I've still got a ways to go, but I've come so far already, and only because I figured out what I wanted from life and started refusing to let anybody (including myself) make excuses for why I couldn't get what I wanted.

My advice is to figure out what you want from life, whether it's remaining the way your are, or putting in the work necessary to change, and then grabbing life by the throat and shaking until you get what you want. Take it or leave it, it's your choice, but don't tell me that luck, that macho attitudes, that unattractiveness, that nerdy habits, that societal intolerance can't be overcome, because I've been there, all on my own, and I made my through every last one of those things. It can be done; I swear to you upon everything that is good and kind and nice in this world, it can be done.

[TechnOkami]

I am a 5' 5", 240 lbs, acne-scarred, directionless 20-something living in a small town smack dab in the middle of ****ing Nowhere, Texas. I work at a family business, and need to check online family trees before dating somebody local; I have opinions on politics and religions that have on multiple occasions made me a complete outcast in my little community where everybody knows everybody else, and gossip is almost as powerful a force of social discipline as church and football (American football), both of which shut down the town for their duration. I am covered in little pockmarks all over my body from where teenage me picked at pimples and blemishes until they became small open wounds...and then picked at the scabs days later...and again, and again, and again, and now they're basically permanent despite not getting picked at in years. I am the little prick with scars on his wrists who had to convince a dozen adults, including the superintendent and my friggin' pastor, to allow our high school to have a D&D club; in the four months it took from having the idea to getting the club going, I was an anathema as far as most were concerned, and I went into a spiral depression that nearly had me breaking in a new pack of razors. I am a short, fat, nerdy little prick of an excuse for a real person who has somehow managed to grow a support group of people who love me despite, and maybe even because of, my many flaws. I am in the process of getting my life together; the future is a scary place filled with what if's and trap options, but trying and failing is infinitely better than never trying and forever regretting what you never attempted.

I am a person, with many complexities, many opinions about the world around me, many stories to tell, many secrets to keep, many shames to regret. I am a person, and I'm getting better at being one every day...but only because I'm putting in the effort, because the person I was is not a person I want to be anymore, because the self-centered, self-loathing prick that was me in my pre-senior year...that ******* can continue rotting in the place I left him, curled up in a ball complaining about the world he's found himself in. I move forward...or maybe I move backward, or sideways, or up, or down. But refusing to change, to reevaluate myself and my desires, to understand my standards and my goals, that never accomplished anything; in fact, it only ever made my problems harder to overcome. Every scar I made on myself, every notch in my psyche I put there to keep myself from making progress, every insult screamed at myself in my head as I forced a smile on my face and fought back the tears, is a hurdle that must be passed.

I am more than my hobbies. I am more than my family, my friends, my culture. I am more than my religion, than my politics. I am all of those things, and more, thrown into the blender of life and puree'd. I am a person, because I force myself not to let the old me hold me back. I am becoming a person I can tolerate...and hopefully, I will become a person others can tolerate as well. I have overcome a lot of hardships, a lot of bad luck, a lot of societal preferences, to become the person I am today, and to try and become the person I wish to be tomorrow. I've still got a ways to go, but I've come so far already, and only because I figured out what I wanted from life and started refusing to let anybody (including myself) make excuses for why I couldn't get what I wanted.

My advice is to figure out what you want from life, whether it's remaining the way your are, or putting in the work necessary to change, and then grabbing life by the throat and shaking until you get what you want. Take it or leave it, it's your choice, but don't tell me that luck, that macho attitudes, that unattractiveness, that nerdy habits, that societal intolerance can't be overcome, because I've been there, all on my own, and I made my through every last one of those things. It can be done; I swear to you upon everything that is good and kind and nice in this world, it can be done.

Good for you, and more power to you.

I've yet to find exactly what I want out of life, and one day I hope I do. In the mean time, I'll keep being me. Congratulations on your motivation, something I sorely desire and have never been able to realize or find.

[Skeppio]

Oh goody, so due to my own uncontrollable madness, I've lost even more of the few friends I had left, including two of my most absolutely dear and cherished friends. All of that, gone forever.
If anyone can still think of a reason for me not to kill myself, now would be a good time to say it. Or ignore me and leave me to commit suicide, that's looking pretty nice right about now.

[Glass Mouse]

Oh goody, so due to my own uncontrollable madness, I've lost even more of the few friends I had left, including two of my most absolutely dear and cherished friends. All of that, gone forever.
If anyone can still think of a reason for me not to kill myself, now would be a good time to say it. Or ignore me and leave me to commit suicide, that's looking pretty nice right about now.

Wow. You are actually, literally, explicitly holding the playgrounders responsible for your continued existence? That's not cool, Skep. I get that you're hurting, but... wow.

Please call your therapist, or a suicide hotline, or your local hospital, or anyone who is actually capable (and obliged) to take care of you. If I had any inkling who you actually are, I'd call someone myself, but as it is, all I can do is urge you to use the mental health services in your vicinity. Be safe. Get help. Please.

[Skeppio]

Wow. You are actually, literally, explicitly holding the playgrounders responsible for your continued existence? That's not cool, Skep. I get that you're hurting, but... wow.

Please call your therapist, or a suicide hotline, or your local hospital, or anyone who is actually capable (and obliged) to take care of you. If I had any inkling who you actually are, I'd call someone myself, but as it is, all I can do is urge you to use the mental health services in your vicinity. Be safe. Get help. Please.

So I desperately reach out to the last people left I can think of, and this is what I get? The first response immediately twists my words to paint me as an evil monster.
Bravo.

Heh, I remember one time, way back, when a user was going through similar thoughts to me, the moderators actually got in touch with them and helped them.
Knowing how much the mods hate me, I know no-one would ever do that for me. I'll just get banned because its easier to block a loser like me off than to treat me like a fellow human.

[Glass Mouse]

So I desperately reach out to the last people left I can think of, and this is what I get? The first response immediately twists my words to paint me as an evil monster.
Bravo.

Heh, I remember one time, way back, when a user was going through similar thoughts to me, the moderators actually got in touch with them and helped them.
Knowing how much the mods hate me, I know no-one would ever do that for me. I'll just get banned because its easier to block a loser like me off than to treat me like a fellow human.

There's no twisting words about it. "Stop ignoring me, or I'll kill myself" is textbook.

We are not your last resort. We are a thread of everyday support and listening ears. Suicide threats are way beyond our scope. The very best we could do would be to contact real life resources to help you (which someone seems to have done yesterday, remember?). Which you can do yourself. Please do so if you're feeling scared for your own safety. You deserve help. Real help. Don't reach out to internet pseudostrangers. Reach out to family or professionals.

[Skeppio]

There's no twisting words about it. "Stop ignoring me, or I'll kill myself" is textbook.

We are not your last resort. We are a thread of everyday support and listening ears. Suicide threats are way beyond our scope. The very best we could do would be to contact real life resources to help you (which someone seems to have done yesterday, remember?). Which you can do yourself. Please do so if you're feeling scared for your own safety. You deserve help. Real help. Don't reach out to internet pseudostrangers. Reach out to family or professionals.

Cut the crap, I know none of you think I deserve help. One of you even alerted my brother, just so you guys can continue to make my life miserable even offline. Nothing came of it except my night was wasted, and my family immediately went back to pretending I don't exist.
No family or professional can help me. Even my therapist said there's nothing she can do for me anymore. Besides she won't be back for a few weeks.
I speak here in the naive hope that among all of you, a friend will show themselves. But I'm a fool to think that.
I'm not scared for my own safety. I know I am far from safe and I gladly embrace it. Everyone, especially you forumgoers, will be glad I'm gone.

[AvatarVecna]

We care; believe me, we care. But there's very little we're actually capable of doing from where we are, just because of the medium being used. Without immediate access to either a car ride to the airport or funds necessary to fly to Australia (not to mention my complete unfamiliarity with inter-country/continental travel regulations), there's very little I can personally do to physically stop you; beyond calling up somebody who's physically on-hand (which you've already shown you're averse to), there's little I can do from here other than talk.

However much life is hurting, however many problems it's causing, however bad those problems may be, ending it all is not the solution, it's an unsolvable problem. However unlikely it may seem, there's always a chance that life will get better, and that chance is often better than it seems when you're at your lowest. But giving up hope doesn't give you an escape, it just removes even that sliver of a chance that things will get better, and the only live you'll have ever lived will have been spent unhappy.

There's other options, better endings, out there waiting for you. I can't do much to influence your choice, I can only hope that my words somehow help you decide to give life a chance once more.

[Skeppio]

No, the forum does not care. Just ask the top-ranked posters like Coidzor and Serpentine. They'll tell you the correct view to have of me: pure hatred.
And things will not get better. Not everyone can have a happy life. That's just the way things are. Some of us are fundamentally broken and nothing can help us.
I will always be alone no matter how much I try, and no-one has ever given me valid proof to the contrary. The laughably unlikely chance of success is a price I'm willing to pay to escape the pain forever.

[GolemsVoice]

An honest question: what would the ideal response look like? What exactly are you hoping to find here? This is a serious question!

[Skeppio]

An honest question: what would the ideal response look like? What exactly are you hoping to find here? This is a serious question!

The ideal response would be indisputable evidence that I will not be alone for long, and if I endure, I am certain to find the road to what I want in life.
But I already know that road is closed off to me, and there is no way I will ever be permitted to walk down it. So the best you can do is realise that it really is for the best if I take my own life.

[AvatarVecna]

I tend to not listen to Coidzor as a matter of habit, and I haven't even heard of Serpentine, but their opinions aren't mine regardless. And I think your chances at happiness are better than you think, but there's little I can do to change your mind. I can only ask that you give life a chance; if you refuse, then I can guarantee you that at least one person will mourn your passing.

I'm sorry I couldn't be a better friend to you, but I've no idea how to help.

[Serpentine]

Serpentine here, for another clarification for the audience: no hatred, just acknowledgement that I was doing nothing to help, and that one has to take of one's own mental health first, rather than allow oneself to be an emotional punching bag to no good end.

[AvatarVecna]

The ideal response would be indisputable evidence that I will not be alone for long, and if I endure, I am certain to find the road to what I want in life.
But I already know that road is closed off to me, and there is no way I will ever be permitted to walk down it. So the best you can do is realise that it really is for the best if I take my own life.

We aren't seers or prophets or fortune-tellers, we are literally incapable of giving you that response. And I refuse to accept that suicide is ever the best option.

[Skeppio]

Serpentine here, for another clarification for the audience: no hatred, just acknowledgement that I was doing nothing to help, and that one has to take of one's own mental health first, rather than allow oneself to be an emotional punching bag to no good end.

Which doesn't explain your drive to make me look like a fool every chance you get, and your desire to berate me any time I don't say what you want. Ergo: hatred.

We aren't seers or prophets or fortune-tellers, we are literally incapable of giving you that response. And I refuse to accept that suicide is ever the best option.

So you can't help me, yet when I find a workable solution, you won't let me take it. Make up your mind!

[AvatarVecna]

So you can't help me, yet when I find a workable solution, you won't let me take it. Make up your mind!

It's not a workable solution, it's the only decision that's guaranteed to never result in even the smallest sliver of happiness. And don't pretend like anyone here is holding you hostage, holding you back from killing yourself, because all we can do is stare at our screens and hope that our words keep you from taking your own life. The decision is in your hands; I don't know how to fix your life any more than I know how to fix anyone else's beyond some general support and advice, but I know that giving up on hope just because some random ****s on the internet can't fix your problems doesn't mean that nobody can.

As is advised in the opening post to this thread, please seek professional help. We are not the professionals that can truly help, we're just friends trying to lend what support we can through the internet, and that can only help so much.

[Skeppio]

It's not a workable solution, it's the only decision that's guaranteed to never result in even the smallest sliver of happiness. And don't pretend like anyone here is holding you hostage, holding you back from killing yourself, because all we can do is stare at our screens and hope that our words keep you from taking your own life. The decision is in your hands; I don't know how to fix your life any more than I know how to fix anyone else's beyond some general support and advice, but I know that giving up on hope just because some random ****s on the internet can't fix your problems doesn't mean that nobody can.

As is advised in the opening post to this thread, please seek professional help. We are not the professionals that can truly help, we're just friends trying to lend what support we can through the internet, and that can only help so much.

It's a lot more of a workable solution than wasting my time trying things I know will never result in any happiness for me. At least if I die, I'm no longer burdened by all my failures.
And I know the rules. I wrote them. There is no professional that can bring my friends back, or help me conquer my loneliness. My current one directly admitted I can't be helped.

[AvatarVecna]

I'm sorry I couldn't do more to help.

[Glass Mouse]

I'm out, too. I don't have the mental fortitude to handle the abuse you insist on heaping on everyone who tries to help. Consider this my last reply to you, Skeppio, though I still hope you manage to find your way through everything. Be safe, good luck, and bye.

[Skeppio]

Good. The more bridges I burn, the less guilt there is to hold me back from taking that fatal step.

[dehro]

The ideal response would be indisputable evidence that I will not be alone for long, and if I endure, I am certain to find the road to what I want in life.
But I already know that road is closed off to me, and there is no way I will ever be permitted to walk down it. So the best you can do is realise that it really is for the best if I take my own life.

You wouldn't recognise indisputable evidence if it was offered to you, just as you dismissed and denied evidence contrary to your view of the world in the past, evidence that indeed was pretty much indisputable.
You know perfectly well that your request is simply impossible to satisfy because we can't whip up a boyfriend out of thin air any more than you can currently see beyond the confines of your depression... Nor can we find or indicate the road to you... You have to make the road and walk it yourself. All we can do is offer suggestions as to where to find the right tools to do so.
Trying emotional blackmail towards the forumites is not the way. You're also not burning any bridges or anything similarly dramatic.. People are just stepping away until you're back to a listening frame of mind. The only help we can offer is to have a dialogue with you. If you're not willing to listen and possibly take on board what people tell you, why should they insist in talking to you? Would you? I suspect that some people here really do care and some still offer support because it's the right thing to do. Either motivation doesn't warrant you second guessing their motives or spitting their words back in their faces.
Saying that helplines and real world people are the only ones that can really help you, is not a way for us to be done with you. It's simply the only way you can be helped and can help yourself.
It may make you feel even less welcome or more alone, that is not something we can do anything about.

[TechnOkami]

I began this post mot really knowing what to say, attempting to clarify my thoughts until I came to something worth its own merits in saying.

Frankly I have no idea what exactly that would be, so I'm just going to ramble.

Skeppio, I've never seen Australia. I hope to go one day, legally at least (I was a fetus at the time so the joke is I illegally entered the country), but regardless of where you are in this world you were the one who decided to continue this thread, because subconsciously, decisively or otherwise, you decided that you needed the most help by being the one to start the Personal Woes and Advice thread over and over and over again. A little part of yourself knows that suicide is not the answer and desperately clings to the hope that things will get better. Listen to that part.

All that said, while I mostly agree with the viewpoints of the majority of the people talking in this thread, the truth is with all frankness the bluntest most cinderblock sledgehammer tool you can use, and it hurts when it hits you in the face repeatedly. So, I don't subscribe to it, because I can't handle the blunt truth all the time. Hell, I avoid the truth because of how much bull#%!+ I have to sift through just to find little slivers of it here and there, and I can't sit through that much news and negativity on a day to day basis. So I put it to the side and don't worry about it, because I break down to non-functionality if I don't and because it leaves me in a functional, healthier state of mind by doing so. That said, I've actually taken something of an interest in trying to make some semblance of understanding about the sh!t that goes on in our world, because as negative as it makes me to try and put thought towards these sort of realities and current events, ignoring the problem until it miraculously heals or fixes itself is not the answer. A broken arm will continue to be a broken arm, and even if it somehow heals with a clean break, that arm will be warped and could potentially cause more harm than good in its barely functional state. One does not have a broken arm/limb and then proceed to do an extremely physical sport; that is being in denial over the fact that you have an injury that needs to be treated to begin with. The same is with mental health. If you have an illness that stems from your thoughts and mind, it is no different than having a broken arm. You do not go to 100% and try to do things when the untreated injury you have will impede you and even worsen by being forcibly used. The first step is always acknowledging that you have an injury, and then figuring out how to get it treated.

That said as well, let's look at a few things, shall we?

I would like to emphasize that these rules are not mine, although I agree with them.

7. If you feel you are not receiving the help you need, or deem yourself a danger to yourself and/or others, seek professional help immediately!

10. Remember, it is not your job to "fix" anyone here and it is not a requirement for posting here that a person wants to be, or wants their problem to be, "fixed."

Skeppio... if you can't listen to anyone else, then please listen to yourself. That little bit if you that wants to live so desperately took these ongoing thread rules and agreed to them. Heed what you yourself have posted over and over again.

Suicide is not an option Skeppio. No matter what holy book or philosophy says that happens to us after we die, we never truly know for sure. We all have our hopes, but we just bluntly don't know, and we might never know. Suicide does not end the pain Skeppio, it ends everything, and pours that pain onto everyone around you. Everyone. So Skeppio, if there's anything that I would want to say, it's this:

Please,

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please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please,

don't do this.

There is a reason that the Broken Bird trope and warriors who go through hell over and over again are my favorite tropes, Skeppio. It's because they have hope. Hope is not something that is given by anybody else but you. Hope is something you give to yourself at the darkest times, because it helps you through it all. These characters I read, watch, and write going through hell and back have hope, because they want to see themselves in a better place with a better world around them. They want a dawn so desperately, so hungrily that they can taste it Skeppio, always there but just out of reach, until it happens.

Do not stop seeking your dawn Skeppio. Do not stop until you are sick and tired of seeking it, and even then do not stop. Search for it, claw for it, grasp at it. I haven't found my dawn yet because I don't know what I want out of life yet, and that's fine for me. You know what you want, so go out and get it. Screw the thoughts of others, deny and reject their opinions.

Do not do it for them Skeppio, do it for yourself. The only one who can truly find peace and happiness for yourself, for anyone, is yourself.

It's in your hands now Skeppio. Please make the best decision. Do what is best for you. I'm sorry I can't do more than this.

[Icewraith]

The ideal response would be indisputable evidence that I will not be alone for long, and if I endure, I am certain to find the road to what I want in life.
But I already know that road is closed off to me, and there is no way I will ever be permitted to walk down it. So the best you can do is realise that it really is for the best if I take my own life.

There is not only one road that leads to happiness.

You're getting this backwards. You can be fabulously talented, be the body type and gender of your choice, be drowning in desirable potential partners and still be miserable. If you achieve everything you think you've ever wanted but don't get your depression under control, you won't be able to enjoy it. Furthermore, because you're depressed, there may be positive aspects to your life we don't know about that you simply don't or can't recognize right now. The same thing holds for possible life paths- you're fixated on one possible outcome, and convinced it can't happen, and you're assuming without proof or experience that other outcomes will not be acceptable or do not exist.

I know personally there is no friggin' way I would have been able to pick out ahead of time the series of events that resulted in my current job and marriage. And when I didn't have my depression under control, I wouldn't have believed anyone who told me, even if I traveled back in time to tell myself what was going to happen and had proof of a linear-timeline universe that would guarantee the sequence of events would happen. I wouldn't have been able to take advantage of those events if I didn't have my depression under control.

The biggest reason your life is terrible right now isn't because of anything having to do with your body type or looks or intellect or gender identity or choices you've made or any of that stuff. The biggest reason your life is terrible is because you are seriously, severely depressed, not vice versa. We're telling you the world is full of color and you've got, through no fault of your own, monochrome goggles bolted to your face. Only with depression it's like you're being constantly attacked by malicious, sentient, monochrome goggles that can install more bolts. Or hooks.

The world is, in fact, full of color, but we can't just snap our fingers and make those things disappear. Getting rid of them takes time and effort, and there will be setbacks, and it will hurt at times. But it can be done- with help. Once you're free of the goggles, you'll be able to see colors and experience the full range of positive emotions regularly, and you'll be able to see and experience things that you would have claimed were impossible when you had the goggles on.

But you need to understand- when you're trying to get them off, the goggles are trying to stay on. They are sinking as many hooks into you as they can right now. Their entire goal is basically to convince you you're worthless and to get you to kill yourself off and waste your potential. And you have potential, believe me. The goggles are good at mental Aikido, they're very good at taking your talent and willpower and turning them back against you. People who struggle with severe depression tend to be capable of great things.

The goggles are winning right now. Please get help. And when you do, the voice that goes -this isn't going to work, it didn't work last time, why bother, they're secretly laughing at you, nobody actually cares- that is the goggles. That is the depression trying to sabotage you.

Edit: It's very hard to be a pleasant person when your face is full of metaphorical fishhooks and they've been there so long you think you don't notice the pain anymore. Or to see other people with heavily distorted vision. You tend to step on people's toes, but when we tell you that you are doing so, we don't hate you or want you to go away, just to be more careful of other peoples' toes/feelings/etc and keep working on getting those goggles off and hooks out.

[YossarianLives]

@Skeppio

There is little I can say to you. I'm no expert, but I do have personal experience with loved ones taking their own lives. All I can do to help is join the other forumites in urging you to not do this. Please don't do it. It will achieve nothing, your family will have to deal with the grief, (and there will be grief) and you'll be dead. If you do this there will be no chance to improve, no chance at happiness, nothing. There is always some hope. Always. Please, please, please, don't do this to yourself.

Now, to quote Gandalf from a particular passage of LotR that always help me to find hope.

“I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.
"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

Emphasis mine.

[Skeppio]

There is not only one road that leads to happiness.

You're getting this backwards. You can be fabulously talented, be the body type and gender of your choice, be drowning in desirable potential partners and still be miserable. If you achieve everything you think you've ever wanted but don't get your depression under control, you won't be able to enjoy it. Furthermore, because you're depressed, there may be positive aspects to your life we don't know about that you simply don't or can't recognize right now. The same thing holds for possible life paths- you're fixated on one possible outcome, and convinced it can't happen, and you're assuming without proof or experience that other outcomes will not be acceptable or do not exist.

I know personally there is no friggin' way I would have been able to pick out ahead of time the series of events that resulted in my current job and marriage. And when I didn't have my depression under control, I wouldn't have believed anyone who told me, even if I traveled back in time to tell myself what was going to happen and had proof of a linear-timeline universe that would guarantee the sequence of events would happen. I wouldn't have been able to take advantage of those events if I didn't have my depression under control.

The biggest reason your life is terrible right now isn't because of anything having to do with your body type or looks or intellect or gender identity or choices you've made or any of that stuff. The biggest reason your life is terrible is because you are seriously, severely depressed, not vice versa. We're telling you the world is full of color and you've got, through no fault of your own, monochrome goggles bolted to your face. Only with depression it's like you're being constantly attacked by malicious, sentient, monochrome goggles that can install more bolts. Or hooks.

The world is, in fact, full of color, but we can't just snap our fingers and make those things disappear. Getting rid of them takes time and effort, and there will be setbacks, and it will hurt at times. But it can be done- with help. Once you're free of the goggles, you'll be able to see colors and experience the full range of positive emotions regularly, and you'll be able to see and experience things that you would have claimed were impossible when you had the goggles on.

But you need to understand- when you're trying to get them off, the goggles are trying to stay on. They are sinking as many hooks into you as they can right now. Their entire goal is basically to convince you you're worthless and to get you to kill yourself off and waste your potential. And you have potential, believe me. The goggles are good at mental Aikido, they're very good at taking your talent and willpower and turning them back against you. People who struggle with severe depression tend to be capable of great things.

The goggles are winning right now. Please get help. And when you do, the voice that goes -this isn't going to work, it didn't work last time, why bother, they're secretly laughing at you, nobody actually cares- that is the goggles. That is the depression trying to sabotage you.

Edit: It's very hard to be a pleasant person when your face is full of metaphorical fishhooks and they've been there so long you think you don't notice the pain anymore. Or to see other people with heavily distorted vision. You tend to step on people's toes, but when we tell you that you are doing so, we don't hate you or want you to go away, just to be more careful of other peoples' toes/feelings/etc and keep working on getting those goggles off and hooks out.

Wrong. If you have success, wealth, looks and love, and you're still not happy, you are nothing more than a selfish, greedy, ungrateful parasite who deserves nothing!
And no, you have it backwards. My depression is caused by me being ugly and undesirable, not the other way around. If I was attractive and loved, I would have no depression, as it would not have any fuel.
There is no hope in my life. Things will never improve, because I'm always going to be alone, since my looks are undesirable. Thank genetics, the great dice roll of life, for that.
And no-one cares. They don't care about my problems. Everyone abandons me the moment I'm not a happy docile servant. They're all mocking me behind my back and laughing at my misery. Suicide is the perfect solution. It frees me from all pain, with no cost I'm reluctant to pay, and it denies everyone the sick pleasure you all get from watching my misery. I get the last laugh.

[JNAProductions]

Wrong. If you have success, wealth, looks and love, and you're still not happy, you are nothing more than a selfish, greedy, ungrateful parasite who deserves nothing!
And no, you have it backwards. My depression is caused by me being ugly and undesirable, not the other way around. If I was attractive and loved, I would have no depression, as it would not have any fuel.
There is no hope in my life. Things will never improve, because I'm always going to be alone, since my looks are undesirable. Thank genetics, the great dice roll of life, for that.
And no-one cares. They don't care about my problems. Everyone abandons me the moment I'm not a happy docile servant. They're all mocking me behind my back and laughing at my misery. Suicide is the perfect solution. It frees me from all pain, with no cost I'm reluctant to pay, and it denies everyone the sick pleasure you all get from watching my misery. I get the last laugh.

Depression doesn't need fuel. I've been in great straights, had a girlfriend, was in a couple of fun activities, had good grades, and had depression so crippling I literally couldn't speak.

And none of us are laughing at you. We're just concerned.

[Skeppio]

Depression doesn't need fuel. I've been in great straights, had a girlfriend, was in a couple of fun activities, had good grades, and had depression so crippling I literally couldn't speak.

And none of us are laughing at you. We're just concerned.

You had a girlfriend, proof that no matter what, you are loved and are never alone, and you still whine? Ingrate.

And yes, you are all laughing at me. Especially you. You all love my suffering, its why you want me to live.

[TechnOkami]

Skeppio, I would not have written the post I just made if I did not give two ****s about you. I would have said nothing if I really didn't care. You're here in this thread because you want help. I've done what I can. I still recommend that more professional aid would be your best route right now, and I'm sorry if you can't see that. I really am.

And despite what you may think, I too had a girlfriend for a time, and was depressed. Depression does not care if you are happy or not.