Things I May No Longer Do While Playing X: Bard is not a valid choice

[DigoDragon]

But wouldn't Bizarro Florida Man be, like, a clever, effective, competent, morally-upright superhero with a lot of common sense? I mean, if you're looking for the opposite of Florida Man...

With the headlines I've read about my state's "superhero", I think the opposite of Floridaman is like the inverse charge of a neutron. :3

[goto124]

I don't think anyone wants to play as anything Floridaman.

I've always thought he's the typical crazy PC we love to read about in the Things I May No Longer Do While Playing threads!

* Cannot play Florida Woman.
** Must not keep others guessing as to how she's any different from Florida Man.
*** Should not link to a subreddit just for Florida Woman.
**** Don't even think about trans Floridans!

[DigoDragon]

I've always thought he's the typical crazy PC we love to read about in the Things I May No Longer Do While Playing threads!

Probably, although I cringe at a lot of the things those characters do here so I'd worry. All the Florida folks need is to wear a costume and I'd have trouble telling the difference between this place and a The Tick comic book.

[JAL_1138]

All the Florida folks need is to wear a costume and I'd have trouble telling the difference between this place and a The Tick comic book.

*"SPOON!" is not an acceptable battlecry for my superhero character.

[Fable Wright]

*"SPOON!" is not an acceptable battlecry for my superhero character.

** 'Da flea, dadata flea now...' is not an acceptable theme song either.
*** Even if both strike terror in the heart of my GM.
**** The plot's existential terror counts, yes.

[Silus]

*As a DM, I must show restraint when creating monsters for the campaign.
**Only turning creatures into incoporeal undead is not restraint.
***Turning swarms into ability draining undead will result in books being thrown at me.

[Anonymouswizard]

* May not hire a bard to follow the party around and provide suitable theme music for every situation.
** May not point out that the music could actually give a bonus to the thief's move silently check (assuming the bard isn't literally following behind the thief).

[JAL_1138]

*My valor bard with expertise in stealth and the charlatan background may not author and sell a wildly-inaccurate pamphlet on the art of camouflage and silent movement, advocating garishly-colored clothes, large hats with colorful feathers in them, heavy-soled hobnailed boots, and highly-polished gilded armor as the optimal stealth gear.
**Even if I out-roll the rogue on stealth checks more often than not.
***The rogue's player having an apparently-cursed d20 IRL does not mean that my bard's choices of attire are actually better for sneaking in-universe.

[DigoDragon]

*"SPOON!" is not an acceptable battlecry for my superhero character.

** Still not allowed to attack my players with a poodle gun, animated mustaches, a yuletide of Santas, comfy furniture, a cowboy vending machine, or the Infinity Ball.

[Clistenes]

But wouldn't Bizarro Florida Man be, like, a clever, effective, competent, morally-upright superhero with a lot of common sense? I mean, if you're looking for the opposite of Florida Man...

Nah, it would be a clever, effective, competent, morally-upright supervillian with a lot of common sense

*"SPOON!" is not an acceptable battlecry for my superhero character.

You made me think of Floridaman humping the backside of his enemies.

"The power of love conquers all! Let's SPOON!".

[NRSASD]

@Jal_1138
****May not suggest you were "hiding in plain sight"
*****Or that the guards didn't see you because they didn't expect to see you. They were too busy looking for dark-clad thief types rather than flamboyant bards

[Anonymouswizard]

* Under no circumstances can I summon Spike Milligan as a Servant.
** I am to take all the blame if the Sixth Holy Grail War becomes a surreal comedy.

[Rater202]

* Under no circumstances can I summon Spike Milligan as a Servant.
** I am to take all the blame if the Sixth Holy Grail War becomes a surreal comedy.

***May not ask what class he'd even be.
****Because I know the answer will either be Caster or something out of left field.

*No matter how high my relevant skills in magecraft and occultism are, I can not rig the Summoning so that I can Call Herekles as all six of his classes Simultaneously, Especially if I do the summoning at the Temple of Hercules so he'll get his stats ranked up.
**I can not try the Same for Cuchulain, Scathatch, Vlad III, King Arthur, Alexander the Great, Gilgamesh, Nikola Tesla, or any other Servant who can be called as two or more Classes.
***Must specify that no, Nikola Telsa is most certainly not out of place in that list.
****When the only servant class left is Berserker, I can't hack into the Grail System so I can summon Savior instead.
*****I can not summon Mr. Rogers as Savior.
******Because if I do, all the Servants and masters will be friends by the end of the week.

[TheTeaMustFlow]

* Under no circumstances can I summon Spike Milligan as a Servant.
** I am to take all the blame if the Sixth Holy Grail War becomes a surreal comedy.

***Must resist the obvious reference.
**** In point of fact, with regard to said reference, Scottish Play rules are now in effect.
***** The fact that it turns out the Indonesian member of the group has no idea what we're on about does not mean the rule is revoked. The contagion should not be spread.
****** In such an environment, it might be wise for those who have got away with playing a Scottish accented Evoker by the name of Timeon to refrain from screaming 'Look at tha BONES!'

[Anonymouswizard]

***** The fact that it turns out the Indonesian member of the group has no idea what we're on about does not mean the rule is revoked. The contagion should not be spread.

****** May not ask if your Indonesian member also gets annoyed when the party hasn't killed anything in a while, because mine certainly did.

******* May not admit I'm formulating plans to introduce a Chinese person to roleplaying (it's a tie between 'get her husband addicted' and 'run Vampire' at the moment).

[Squibsallotl]

As a player:
*May not play as a druid urchin "master of vermin" who uses spiders to set up alarm-tripwires with web-sense and rats as sentries and spies.
**May not force the DM to spontaneously invent animal NPCs for said druid urchin to interrogate, whilst ignoring all his pre-prepared normal NPCs.

As a DM:
*May not create a dungeon filled with puzzles, each of which has a legitimate, defined solution, except for ONE room half way through called the "paranoia puzzle" where the only solution is to do nothing.

[goto124]

a cowboy vending machine

*** Must not insist that a cowboy vending machine literally dispenses cowboys.
**** This is not a boyfriend vending machine for my barbarian and my pseudopaladin.

[DigoDragon]

*** Must not insist that a cowboy vending machine literally dispenses cowboys.

Villains from The Tick are never that straightforward.
(and yes, the top item in the vending machine is the cowboy's brain)

Also, no sending the Swiss Army after the players.

[TheTeaMustFlow]

****** May not ask if your Indonesian member also gets annoyed when the party hasn't killed anything in a while, because mine certainly did.

She's certainly somewhat fireball happy, though she's not the worst in the party for friendly fire, since the only friendly she normally fireballs is herself.

[Anonymouswizard]

She's certainly somewhat fireball happy, though she's not the worst in the party for friendly fire, since the only friendly she normally fireballs is herself.

Okay, doesn't quite sound like the one I had then. Interesting to hear that they're both women though. I've noticed that they can have problems with British humour though, I once annoyed her by joking she wouldn't recognise a Chinese person on sight (she's ethnically Chinese, but was being particularly oblivious race wise).

* May not attempt to bribe Skaven with peanut butter sandwiches.

[JAL_1138]

*In a party with a tiefling Great Old One warlock who summons unholy power from the far realm, a half-orc barbarian who carries a glaive with three humanoid skulls tied onto the haft, and a human professional assassin who takes ears off his kills and threads them onto a string as proof of how many he's murdered, the scariest person in the party should not be the half-elf bard who dresses in bright cheery colors and wears a silly hat.

[Joe the Rat]

* May not recruit players from multiple time zones simply so I can say "The Sun Never Sets on My Gaming Empire!"
** Especially not in title case.

[Anonymouswizard]

* May not bring a replacement character just in case I fail my overconfidence roll to interrogate the captives now and get treated for poison later.
** May not name this character using camelCase.
*** He should not literally be designed as a 'SWOT Officer'.
**** Even if upper class.

[LastCenturion]

*Using a fireball to kill mosquitoes is overkill
**Even if the mosquitoes are really annoying
***Mosquitoes do not yield XP.

*I cannot torch the abandoned mansion instead of going in.
**Even if the last three adventures would have been solved instantly by doing that.

[Rater202]

*No more than 3 of my characters can be based on characters from another game
**They can not all come from the same continuity.
***Our ship does not have a basement.

[Gallade]

* The Antipaladin hit by Smite Evil does not "feel his sins crawling on his back".
** He already knows he's having a bad time, no need to remind him.
*** Likewise, if he is killed, "dunked on" is not the best terminology for his condition.
**** There are no Neutral Good skeletons with +100 evasion AC and DR 100/Slashing in any of the bestiaries.

Situations the Antipaladin should never be in again
* Fighting a Paladin who insists on giving him the coup de grace himself, giving him the time to heal
* In a gazebo on fire with a Succubus who can teleport him just outside
* In the middle of a zombie horde he can control with Channel Energy
* In the middle of a troop of soldiers he can kill with Channel Energy
* Against any enemy with less than 18 HP while he still has an use of Channel Energy
* Against any enemy he can Intimidate with a roll of 5 or lower
* Against any enemy the Bard can convince to retreat with a roll of 5 or lower
* Against any demon he may get chummy with
* In a unisex shower room with the female halfling Dragon Disciple mage
* In a McDonald's when he's a few silvers short of his menu
* Working at a Suicide Hotline (1)
* Organizing a blood donor charity picnic
* As the only one with ranks in Healing in a volcano expedition
* Within 10 miles of anyone capable of buffing his AC
* In a church with the LG Conjurer
** In a church with the Succubus
** In any church
*** In any town with a church
* In any fortress he and the Bard can take over with Diplomacy, Intimidate and Bluff combos
** In any fortress he and the Bard can slaughter 80% of the soldiers and take over the other 20% with Diplomacy, Intimidate and Bluff combos
* Flanking an enemy with the Rogue
* Flanking an enemy with the Warrior
* Flanking an enemy with the Dragon Disciple Monk

(1):

Spoiler

Show

Context: After slaughtering a half score of soldiers and their beloved captain, one more remained trapped in a room, audibly shaken and hysteric. He tried to talk her down with an INTIMIDATE roll. She committed suicide from fright.

[JAL_1138]

*Must not fail to recognize that no matter how effective or historically-appropriate they might be, some weapons just don't sound dramatically appropriate.
E.g.,
Paladin: You have my sword.
Ranger: And my bow.
Cleric: And my hammer.
Bard: And my [spetum, guisarme-voulge, Bohemian earspoon, fauchard-fork, Goedendag, holy-water sprinkler⁺, menaulion⁺⁺, plançon à picot⁺⁺⁺, krókspjót⁺⁺⁺⁺, etc]


⁺Type of mace or morningstar that supposedly resembles an aspergillium; alternatively, a type of military flail--depends on whether you're looking at the English or the French version.

⁺⁺Long-bladed Byzantine spear.

⁺⁺⁺An iron-shod club with a steel thrusting-spike on the end--a shorter, mace-length Goedendag.

⁺⁺⁺⁺Viking hooked spear.

[Anonymouswizard]

* May not attempt to find the silliest sounding weapon I can for my character.
** May not attempt to discover why it's specifically a Bohemian Ear Spoon.

[TeChameleon]

* I may no longer negate the DM's strategy with a move action.
** I may no longer point out that I could have negated that strategy at least three other ways, none of which would have required any great effort.
*** Look, just because I'm no longer allowed to use gravity as my personal plaything, it doesn't mean that I have to keep everyone else from using it as their plaything too.

* I am no longer allowed to point and laugh when four of the six surviving elder red dragons sparrow into our airship's invisible forcefield.
** I am also no longer allowed to gloat at the people who thought I was crazy to have my wizard spend months laboriously casting permanencied Arcane Barrier over and over and over all around the airship to create said invisible forcefield.

* After the DM has given the party an ancient dwarven laser cannon (don't ask), and then made the suggestion that we get it enchanted, we are no longer allowed to utterly ruin the campaign balance by discovering the Lightning Strike enchantment, which does double damage against objects. The group that is currently the largest threat to our mission uses a lot of airships. Guess what airships count as?

[JAL_1138]

* May not attempt to find the silliest sounding weapon I can for my character.
** May not attempt to discover why it's specifically a Bohemian Ear Spoon.

Same reason certain very large American daggers are "Arkansas toothpicks." (An earspoon was/is a small implement for removing earwax; a medieval Q-tip of sorts. They're still in common use in some countries).

EDIT: As to Bohemia specifically, presumably the design originated there, much as with the Arkansas toothpick (invented by James Black, who also developed the Bowie knife, and who lived and smithed in Arkansas (although he wasn't a native; originally hailed from New Jersey, although he did all of his knifemaking in his adopted home state)).

ALSO EDIT: In both cases, the general naming trend is a combination of incongruous euphemism for its own sake, and the (deliberate) implication that people from those places are so badass they use terrifying large weapons as personal-hygiene implements. It's like if a Kriegsmesser was called a "Bavarian straight-razor."