Dating Websites?

[Scowling Dragon]

Well I feel like Im finally ready to move on with my life. I have indulged in all the childish things I enjoyed (And do still enjoy), but I feel like I want to grow up finally. Just end this chapter and begin my new one.

So simply put, anybody have some good dating websites? Preferably free ones. But 10$ range a month doesn't sound bad either.

I just have -20 experience with the whole dating thing, and might as well begin someplace. Anybody have a good dating website for a College Student Living in MA USA?

[Douglas]

The major reputable free one that I know of (and use myself) is okcupid.com. My brother actually first met his wife through it.

Be prepared to be patient, though. It's an unfortunate hazard of online dating in general that the messaging expectations are extremely one-sided (men send lots of messages and receive few, women the opposite), and most messages never get a reply.

[qechua]

Depending on where you live and what you're looking for, Tinder ranges from random hookup searching all the way through to meeting people for dating (college areas are probably more biased towards the former). As mentioned, OKCupid is pretty good, while (in my experience) Plenty Of Fish is generally good only for getting practice. At the end of the day, dating sites serve simply as a means of meeting people, and there are better ways of doing that (new activities, games, asking friends if they have any single friends, etc.)

Be prepared to be patient, though...most messages never get a reply.

This, a million times this. It sounds weird, but whenever you send a message, assume you'll get no response. All the things about men being [insert expletive of choice] are true when it comes to online dating, and a woman will receive many more messages than you will, a hefty amount of them being "hey", "fancy a threesome" or "here is an unrequested picture of my genitalia" (from a female friend who responded to those particular messages with "baby, hey baby, hey! (see, I can be unoriginal too)", "yes, but not with you involved" and "Just FYI, I'm doing research for a scientific paper on online dating, and this picture is definitely going to be in it." respectively ). As such, women tend to burn out pretty quickly on such sites.

You might want to checkout the Relationship Advice thread, it's a good place to get, well, relationship advice (including how to get into one, it's not restricted to those already in relationships), and if you do get a profile set up, we can have a look over it for tips/advice. In general though, be sure this is what you actually want, rather than something you feel you should do.

[Scowling Dragon]

Mmmm. I assumed digital data was stupid but now I feel like maybe I shouldn't bother.


I don't know exactly what I want. But I know about the whole "Just meet new people". But I just find that difficult as a person because Im very picky about who to spend time with.

As a result I don't just want to go to places that I might agree with politically or hobby wise, because that way Il always just be self serving and on top of that I already feel like I live in a small bubble. I want to escape that.

So I guess In a sense Im looking for friends based off of personality.

[Blackhawk748]

In that instance Online Dating should be good for you. I tried like 3 different sites for 6+ months and i got jack out of it, but im not on a College campus in MA.

[Frozen_Feet]

OKCupid and Tinder are the only services I'd even spit at these days. Anything that actively costs you money is bad: you live in an age where you can get unlimited social media services at cost of no money, just your privacy and dignity. Seriously, you'll have better chances asking for a date on Facebook, simply because there are more real people there.

I'd not look for individual people online. Instead, look for events. Pick some you've never been to before (a festival, a convention etc.), join the discussion community surrounding etc.. Then when you're at the event, kick up Tinder to see if there's anyone at the event looking for company. Even if you don't find anyone that way, the event likely has a bar etc. to socialize in. If you're even remotely interesting as a person, you might get someone sending you a friend request or asking your number just because, and then you can chat with them and ask them for a date later.

Do not worry about being "self-serving". Reality check: you will be more relaxed, will have easier time talking and in general be better company when you're somewhere you actually want to be. As a bonus, if a date doesn't go anywhere, you'll have something else to focus on instead of wallowing in frustration.

[Bulldog Psion]

I'll second Frozen Feet's advice about going to events and such rather than looking for individual people online. I met my wife online and that didn't work out so great despite her being a generally very nice person. I actually think that it's a bit of a problem that people on dating sites may be focused on finding a date or a relationship; it means they tend to overlook signs of incompatibility in their eagerness to actually get out with someone (I know both my wife and I did that).

Going to an event centered on something you're interested in would allow the potential for something to emerge more "organically," with a better chance of real-world success, IMO. Also, as Frozen Feet noted, you'll also have fun even if nothing turns up on the romance front.

[Serpentine]

My two main suggestions:
1. OKCupid. Free, which is always nice. And you might also like the "match" system - you go through, answer a heap of questions, and your "match %" with everyone is calculated based on how you each answered the question and rated their importance. While the value of that calculation is certainly arguable, you might be able to get some use out of identifying questions that are really, really important to you, rate them accordingly, and rule people out or in with them (look for the "questions I care about/they care about" option when looking at someone's answers).

2. Look for the best way to find out about events that interest you in your area. meetup.com is one I've been meaning to use more, and there's also various Facebook groups. LARPs can be good for meeting people, if you're into that, etc etc.

[Peelee]

The major reputable free one that I know of (and use myself) is okcupid.com. My brother actually first met his wife through it.

Be prepared to be patient, though. It's an unfortunate hazard of online dating in general that the messaging expectations are extremely one-sided (men send lots of messages and receive few, women the opposite), and most messages never get a reply.

My two main suggestions:
1. OKCupid. Free, which is always nice. And you might also like the "match" system - you go through, answer a heap of questions, and your "match %" with everyone is calculated based on how you each answered the question and rated their importance. While the value of that calculation is certainly arguable, you might be able to get some use out of identifying questions that are really, really important to you, rate them accordingly, and rule people out or in with them (look for the "questions I care about/they care about" option when looking at someone's answers).

Seconding these. My wife and I met through okcupid. Answer as many of the questions as you can. If someone else answers question X, and you have not, you don't see what they responded with, so even if other have answered far fewer than you, you still get to see where they stand on things, how important they feel about it, and get to decide whether or not it's meaningful to you in any significant way. And vice versa, obviously.

Best advice, aside from "be patient, it can take a bit?" Don't just send a few word message, like "Hi beautiful," or, "What's your number?" My wife has grumbled more than you can possibly know about people like that. It takes more effort and obviously is more difficult, but if you want to start talking to someone on there (or any online dating site, really), actually send a real message. Actively invite a response, and try to be original. You don't have to invent the superwheel, but know that the people you want to meet are probably getting dozens, of not hundreds, of messages a day that are virtually all going to be short, simple wastes of time. The first few words of a message are displayed before opening to read in full, so write something clearly other than "hey, you look cool" or "wow you look amazing" as your opener, and even if you get no reply, you're more likely to have your messages fully read.

Also, and I know this sounds stupid, actually read what's on their profile. My wife still has her account to make friends, checked the appropriate boxes, and the very first words you can possibly see on her profile (aside from her screenname) are a declaration that she is married, not looking for anyone romantically, etc. etc. Tons of "hey gorgeous" and "what's your number" posts where they clearly just saw a picture and stroked their ***** (also the occasional person does read and asks "wanna cheat?" Dead serious, that's the whole message. Their seduction is brilliant in their simplicity, I'm guessing).

[Mauve Shirt]

Just to toss in something different, I've met a couple excellent people on Plenty of Fish. That's after sifting through many unfit people, mind, because their matching algorithm ain't all that (it seems to be you answer a couple questions about your feelings and then fill in some of your main interests and they find people with the same interests and answers to toss at you) and since it's less used than OKC it might seem a bit seedier. But, it's also free. And one thing I think that's better than OKC is you're forced to actually read people's profiles. You can't just look at someone and say "60%? Eh." It takes more time to investigate a person but it means you have to converse more and maybe meet more people.

Note: I have no idea what it's like for dudes on PoF; I'm guilty of not answering most of the messages I receive.

[Anteros]

Just to toss in something different, I've met a couple excellent people on Plenty of Fish. That's after sifting through many unfit people, mind, because their matching algorithm ain't all that (it seems to be you answer a couple questions about your feelings and then fill in some of your main interests and they find people with the same interests and answers to toss at you) and since it's less used than OKC it might seem a bit seedier. But, it's also free. And one thing I think that's better than OKC is you're forced to actually read people's profiles. You can't just look at someone and say "60%? Eh." It takes more time to investigate a person but it means you have to converse more and maybe meet more people.

Note: I have no idea what it's like for dudes on PoF; I'm guilty of not answering most of the messages I receive.

As a guy, PoF isn't too bad. At least not if you're reasonably attractive, and put together a good profile. I'm also guilty of not answering most messages I receive though.

You certainly can't trust them to match you with people, but it's fine for browsing through pictures and sending a message to people you're attracted to.

I've also used Tinder a few times, but that's more of a hook up app. I've had better luck with actual dates on PoF.

[JNAProductions]

Speaking as someone who uses both Tinder and OK Cupid, I'm going to fourth? Fifth? Whatever. The message that you will NOT receive a lot of responses. You'll get the occasional interest on OK Cupid, but be prepared to send a lot more messages than you receive.

As for Tinder... I dunno about it. I've met about half a dozen people on there, and all but one were scammers.

[goto124]

Speaking as someone who uses both Tinder and OK Cupid, I'm going to fourth? Fifth? Whatever. The message that you will NOT receive a lot of responses. You'll get the occasional interest on OK Cupid, but be prepared to send a lot more messages than you receive.

Are you male or female, looking for other males or females? I feel that may be important to this particular situation.

[JNAProductions]

I'm a dude, looking for dudettes. :P

But yeah, that is important info.

[goto124]

I'm a dude, looking for dudettes. :P

But yeah, that is important info.

That explains it. From what I know, on dating websites such as OKCupid, gender stereotypes of "men act women are" (yes I took that from TVTropes) are in full force, meaning males send a lot of (lewd/meaningless/spammy) messages to many females, while females barely send anything back or initiate any conversation on their own.

[Douglas]

That explains it. From what I know, on dating websites such as OKCupid, gender stereotypes of "men act women are" (yes I took that from TVTropes) are in full force, meaning males send a lot of (lewd/meaningless/spammy) messages to many females, while females barely send anything back or initiate any conversation on their own.

I have gotten an occasional unsolicited message from a female on OkCupid, but it's rare.

[RoyVG]

I met my girlfriend through OKCupid, so I stand by that one as well. It's free for the most part, but gives you some benefits if you pay, but that depends on the user. Women I think definitely get more out of paying for the site than most men. The main advantage is getting to see who likes your profile and seeing the complete list of people that visit you profile. I get maybe 2 visits a week so for me it's not neccesary. Ever since I started using it since January this year, I've had a grand total of three messages, one of which was I felt was actually genuine.

[Peelee]

I have gotten an occasional unsolicited message from a female on OkCupid, but it's rare.

I wouldn't call it rare. Uncommon, really. I had one or two a week before i startd talking to my eventual wife on it (she initiated contact as well, amusingly enough).

[Heliomance]

That explains it. From what I know, on dating websites such as OKCupid, gender stereotypes of "men act women are" (yes I took that from TVTropes) are in full force, meaning males send a lot of (lewd/meaningless/spammy) messages to many females, while females barely send anything back or initiate any conversation on their own.

This causes issues if you're a woman looking for women, as no-one ever says anything!

[goto124]

This causes issues if you're a woman looking for women, as no-one ever says anything!

That reminds me, does it help for LGBT people to go on LGBT-dedicated sites?

[Heliomance]

That reminds me, does it help for LGBT people to go on LGBT-dedicated sites?

Not that I've found. LGBT-dedicated sites and apps seem mostly aimed at gay men, and those that aren't I've found to be virtually dead.

[Frozen_Feet]

That explains it. From what I know, on dating websites such as OKCupid, gender stereotypes of "men act women are" (yes I took that from TVTropes) are in full force, meaning males send a lot of (lewd/meaningless/spammy) messages to many females, while females barely send anything back or initiate any conversation on their own.

I will note it's a self-reinforcing trope. Men send so many superficial messages because writing few in-depth ones is not worth the effort; it's faster to spam a short message to basically all available women and more likely to get at least some reaction. This in turn creates an environment where women don't have enough time and mental energy to shift through all messages, making invidual well-thought messages even less likely to get through. It also makes women less likely to make first contact, because they often don't even have time to think of that before being swamped by messages.

[druid91]

Also, you may find it a good thing to append something along the lines of "I am not a jerk. I will not allcaps a stream of hurtful insults at you because you aren't interested."

On your messages/profile.

Because that's apparently a thing that happens a lot, and stops some girls from sending replies when those replies aren't interest. Which causes you to never know if she saw the message in the deluge and you should try again or not.

[Chen]

Also, you may find it a good thing to append something along the lines of "I am not a jerk. I will not allcaps a stream of hurtful insults at you because you aren't interested."

On your messages/profile.

Because that's apparently a thing that happens a lot, and stops some girls from sending replies when those replies aren't interest. Which causes you to never know if she saw the message in the deluge and you should try again or not.

If you need to go out of your way to tell people you're not a jerk, I'd have some reservations about it. Seeing that kind of comment in a profile would be just weird.

[Serpentine]

Yeah, I really wouldn't recommend it.
Also: girls don't get replies that often either. It's part of the deal. Live with it.

Here's the thing about online dating: Men are met with silence and bots. Women are met with abuse, comments about their boobs, propositions and rape threats dotted amongst a torrent of "Hey. Sup. Wanna chat? Hi. Hey. Hi. Hey. What's up? How are you? Why won't you reply? ****ing reply you bitch" etc etc. When everyone understands that, you can understand a bit better why people do the way they do on there. And all you can do is wade through the silence/barrage of abuse to find the gems, while doing your best to reverse the tide by being a decent human being on there (and, you now, in general).


For your interest, here's all the messages I've gotten on OKCupid this week:

Spoiler

Show

"Hey"

"Good morning beautiful"

"hi how are you?"

"Well hello there! Looking extremely sexy i see!
Mind if we chat a bit?
Never wanted more to visit Australia :D"

"Wow cutie nice pics and i like that outfit"

"Burp now!"
"Ok, just read second last line in your profile. I was not being a ****."
"It was probably a dump start line. But I'm experimenting these days. So, even if you didn't like it. Feedback is welcome :)"
"Happy Birthday!"
(actually intending to reply to that one. Although the "happy birthday" was a bit creepy. Didn't even realise I had my birthday on my profile)

"I think we should run away together and find out the secret behind your boobs 😉"

"Hey :)"

"Hi"

"hello"

"hey .. u look great .. i like u sweetie"

"hey hun lookin fit, you alright?x"

"Wow, that is a very detailed profile and every new tab i found new things to like about you. You have read a lot of good books, have you heard of or read either the mistborn series or the Prism series? both are battling to be my favorite and in my opinion are must reads for any Fantasy fans."
(another one I should get on and reply to)

"Hey how you doin
I'm looking for someone to date or may be relationship if you are interested we can talk reply me with yes or no
Thanks"
(I've just replied to that one with "No." as requested. Now to find out if it'll be followed by abuse, whining or simple acceptance)


Now, this last week wasn't so bad. Not that many and hardly any commented on my boobs, but, I mean, I've literally got a note on my profile with advice like "please start an actual conversation instead of just saying hi or whatever". And calling a complete stranger "sweetie" or "hun"... *shudder*

Now, if you wanna see the really bad messages I get, you might like to check out Not-OK Cupid on Facebook

[Douglas]

For your interest, here's all the messages I've gotten on OKCupid this week:

Spoiler

Show

"Hey"

"Good morning beautiful"

"hi how are you?"

"Well hello there! Looking extremely sexy i see!
Mind if we chat a bit?
Never wanted more to visit Australia :D"

"Wow cutie nice pics and i like that outfit"

"Burp now!"
"Ok, just read second last line in your profile. I was not being a ****."
"It was probably a dump start line. But I'm experimenting these days. So, even if you didn't like it. Feedback is welcome :)"
"Happy Birthday!"
(actually intending to reply to that one. Although the "happy birthday" was a bit creepy. Didn't even realise I had my birthday on my profile)

"I think we should run away together and find out the secret behind your boobs 😉"

"Hey :)"

"Hi"

"hello"

"hey .. u look great .. i like u sweetie"

"hey hun lookin fit, you alright?x"

"Wow, that is a very detailed profile and every new tab i found new things to like about you. You have read a lot of good books, have you heard of or read either the mistborn series or the Prism series? both are battling to be my favorite and in my opinion are must reads for any Fantasy fans."
(another one I should get on and reply to)

"Hey how you doin
I'm looking for someone to date or may be relationship if you are interested we can talk reply me with yes or no
Thanks"
(I've just replied to that one with "No." as requested. Now to find out if it'll be followed by abuse, whining or simple acceptance)


Now, this last week wasn't so bad. Not that many and hardly any commented on my boobs, but, I mean, I've literally got a note on my profile with advice like "please start an actual conversation instead of just saying hi or whatever". And calling a complete stranger "sweetie" or "hun"... *shudder*

Now, if you wanna see the really bad messages I get, you might like to check out Not-OK Cupid on Facebook

Well that's, um, illustrative. Reminds me of the message I got several years ago, back when "Quiver" was a thing (essentially a site-sponsored "we suggest looking at these 3 people this week" feature), that said "QUIVER SAYS THAT WE SHOULD BE BFFZ." As I recall, I checked just for curiosity and found that her profile did nothing to counter that negative impression for me.

I also get messages on the level of "Hey" sometimes, but at a rate of one every few months, not several per week.

[druid91]

If you need to go out of your way to tell people you're not a jerk, I'd have some reservations about it. Seeing that kind of comment in a profile would be just weird.

I started doing it after the 200th profile I read that ended with "Because it's like playing a game of dodge the toxic landmines, sorry I'm not going to respond if I'm not interested, because people keep sending me streams of hurtful messages afterwards."

Or some variation thereof.

[Starwulf]

Man, this thread further reinforces why I keep telling my buddy he is just not the norm. He's used a dating site a few times, and says he gets a few messages every week, and even more "liking" of his profile by women. He just signed up for one last night now that he's out of his last relationship, I helped him compose his profile(mostly just checking for spellings errors, though I did suggest a few things to add/remove as well). He's already gotten two messages today, and 5 women indicating they like his profile(which is basically a thing meant for him to go check out their profile to see if he has any interest). I told him "Dude, that is so not the norm for dating sites it's not even funny".

[JNAProductions]

Your friend is a lucky son of a gun.

[Starwulf]

Your friend is a lucky son of a gun.

Yeah I've told him that several times. He insists that it can't be that uncommon for guys to regularly get messages. I might link him this thread so he can see how un-often it actually occurs.