Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

[ZeroGear]

Prior Threads Here (1), Here (2), Here (3), and Here (4)

Interesting things happen when your players start alternating gaming night and movie night.

Samson: "This looks like a good place for camp."
Lance: "I don't know. I feel like we're being watched, like something's just waiting on us to fall asleep so it can pounce."
Samson: "Relax, it's just you're imagination."
[Later, after being ambushed and tied to steaks by a goblin tribe]
Lance: "This is my imagination?"

Terra: "Ugh. What do they want?"
Samson: "Hey, Lance, you can understand them, why don't you ask them?"
Lance: "Hey, you! With the skull!"
Samson: "...in their language..."
Lance: "Oh, right." *phrases question in goblin*
Random Goblin Guard: *Says something in goblin*
Samson: "So?"
Lance: "Yeah, they want to eat us."

Goblin Chef over by stew pot: *singing unintelligibly* "Bork! Bork! Bork!"
Lance: "They have a swedish chef. We're doomed."

DM: The goblins guarding you step aside and an elderly goblin walks up to you. She's decked out in ritualistic attire, carrying a skull-topped staff, and is laden with several pieces of jewelry. She paces in font of you, looking each of you up and down, before turning to the crowd that's gathered in front of you, making a proclamation.
Samson: "Lance, what's she saying?"
Lance: *looks at notecard that was just handed to him* "She says, 'Two of these have been tainted. The red one and the green one carry the scent of demons and must be offered to Shala-Toh to preserve the purity of the village'."
Vick: "Shala-To? I think that's the name of a monstrous water god."
Xaltaer: "I wonder who they mean with 'the red and the green one'?"
Terra: *looks at Vick and Xaltaer* "Gee, I wonder."
Vick: "I'm more interested in what they mean with 'offered to Shala-Toh'."
DM: As if on cue, several goblins make their way towards Vick and Xaltaer, cutting them off their steaks only to tie them to a different one, each person facing the opposite way. Marching to the beat of a pounding drum, they carry the two of you to the nearby river and toss the log in.
Xaltaer: "You just had to ask, didn't you?"
DM: As you float down the stream, you hear a faint rumbling in the distance. *Flips coin* Vick, you can see the source further down stream."
Vick: "Uh oh."
Xaltaer: "Let me guess: We're about to go over a huge waterfall?"
Vick: "Yup."
Xaltaer: "Sharp rocks at the bottom?"
Vick: "Most likely."
Xaltaer: "...Bring it on!"
[Beat]
Xaltaer: "Boyahahahahaha!"

Xaltaer: "Well this is just perfect."
Vick: "Hey! We survived, it's not that bad."
Xaltaer: "We're lost in the jungle, far away from our friends, who are being prepared for dinner by a horde of savage goblins, and we have no idea where to find them? How is this not bad?"
Vick: "Well, it could be..."
Xaltaer: "Don't. Say. It."

Vick: "Hey Xaltaer! I found a guide!"
Xaltaer: "Vick, we're in the middle of the jungle with no one around for miles. How could you have found a guide?"
Vick: "I just asked around. Isn't that right little guy?"
Squirrel: *Squeaky rodent noises*
Vick: "No no, it's not you. He's always like that."
Xaltaer: "...are you talking to that squirrel?"
Vick: "Something I learned as an acolyte. Had to master all of the natural languages." *turns to squirrel* "Please continue."

Terra: "I can't believe that happened."
Xaltaer: "We saved you, didn't we?"
Samson: "You flew in, hurling balls of fire, riding a flying bear, who had flaming claws, spreading chaos and mayhem and cackling like a lunatic as you burned the village to the ground. And you call that a rescue?"
Xaltaer: "Best kind of rescue."

[goto124]

Samson: "Relax, it's just you're imagination."
[Later, after being ambushed and tied to steaks by a goblin tribe]
Lance: "This is my imagination?"

DM: As if on cue, several goblins make their way towards Vick and Xaltaer, cutting them off their steaks only to tie them to a different one, each person facing the opposite way.

But why steaks?

Vick: "Hey Xaltaer! I found a guide!"
Xaltaer: "Vick, we're in the middle of the jungle with no one around for miles. How could you have found a guide?"
Vick: "I just asked around. Isn't that right little guy?"
Squirrel: *Squeaky rodent noises*
Vick: "No no, it's not you. He's always like that."
Xaltaer: "...are you talking to that squirrel?"
Vick: "Something I learned as an acolyte. Had to master all of the natural languages." *turns to squirrel* "Please continue."

Best Disney princess.

[DigoDragon]

Now it's my turn to give you a cookie! *gives cookie*

NOM NOM NOM :q


DM: “So many games, but my free time measured in Planck.”

DM: “There is a sudden loud 'bang!' of wood splintering from the main entrance. The front door, which is reinforced with iron slats, has been forcefully kicked open. The runes that normally protect the entry way do not activate, and three cloaked figures enter.”
Spirit: “I've watched too much of Jojo's Bizarre Adventures this week. I cannot help but think this.”
Midnight: “Ha! That's exactly how I'm picturing this scene, now.”

Beryl: “If we make it out of this, Spirit is so getting kicked in the shin in the most childish of manners.”

[Asmodean_]

Vergil: Gun? What gun? (slowly and unsubtly shifts around so the large contraption on his back that powers the gun is slightly obscured by his body) What is this gun you keep talking about? (shrugs, forgetting he is holding the gun in his hand)
Guard: (points to gun)
Vergil: Oh that? That's... a... prop for a... stage show... about... guns.
Guard: ...

Natural 1 on my bluff check.

[Belac93]

I love the new thread name.

Revanent Warlock: "Alright, I can kill it!"
30 seconds later
Revanent Warlock: "Alright, I can kill it this time!"
30 seconds later
Revanent Warlock: "Alright, I can kill it this time!"
30 seconds later
Revanent Warlock: "Alright, I can kill it this time!"
DM: "Hey, you know you can cast spells, right?"
Revanent Warlock: "Yeah, but I like being wolverine."

While shopping:
Ranger: "Anything you kids think you need?"
All the children: "Can we have some weapons?" "Can I have a sword!?"
Monk: "I say give them a swords! let kids do what they want!" (ooc)"Wow I would be a terrible father"
Ranger: 'Shrugs', "Weapons it is then!"

[Laserlight]

The party recently rescued the barbarian's NPC wife, who's tagging along with them.

Local god, to Colette: "You have taken the crown, but you have only these four followers? You cannot be a queen without a populace."
Colette, to the barbarian and wife: "You two, get busy."

[Rater202]

Tracking Post.

Rainbow: Are you opposed to burning the "tumor" to the ground? Because with me, that's likely to happen one way or the other."

[WrittenInBlood]

Thread title reminded me of one.

Player: "I'm going in the opposite direction to that from which it appears that the corpse came."

[digiman619]

Rainbow: Are you opposed to burning the "tumor" to the ground? Because with me, that's likely to happen one way or the other."

Ah, "Harry Dresden Syndrome"...

[OctoberRaven]

From the previous thread:

"I did give you the leftovers of that cup."

"Yes, and the tea will dry up before I can do anything with it. I mean, what do you expect me to do with it? Legend Lore won't work, there's no magic to it seeing as it was used in an antimagic field, even if I knew Gentle Repose it doesn't work on tea. What am I supposed to do? Cast Summon Crime Lab?"

(As a side note, there's no divine casters in this party, so nobody can detect poison)

Also:

"Couldn't you have Febreezed that thing?! Ugh god, now I'm never working on Walking Dead ever again..."

[SirBellias]

Last session:

DM: Behind you, you hear the voice of your rival, and someone taps you on the shoulder. She's standing behind you, smirking in the glow of the lamps.
Player (Aimon): Now, I'm pretty sure Aust would know to step in and pull me away before things get too... hectic.
Aust: Naw, you kidding? I haven't seen a good show in years!


DM: Alright, Gredith, the Basilisk lunges at you.
Gredith: Don't hit, don't hit...
DM: ...19... for 8 damage.
Gredith: Welp, I've been killed in one hit.
Player (Zed & Aimon): Join the club.

DM: Hey guys, I changed the Death Rules again!
Everyone else: No!!!
DM: So, what's going to happen to you, Gredith? I don't really know that much about your character, but Hel is always looking for more followers.
Gredith: No, thanks.
DM: Really? You want something worse?

Gredith: Guys, my toes are stone!
Aimon: Well, it's better than missing an arm.
Zed: Or having half of your face ripped off and press-ganged into the clergy of Hel.
Aust: On a side note, I can turn into animals now!
DM: Your time will come...

[goto124]

Gredith: Welp, I've been killed in one hit.
Player (Zed & Aimon): Join the club.

DM: Hey guys, I changed the Death Rules again!
Everyone else: No!!!

This is an interesting DM

[SirBellias]

This is an interesting DM

Yeah... It's definitely the most fun I've had in a while.

Spoiler: Dreaded Context

Show

He doesn't technically like killing off characters, he just like ruining their lives in interesting ways (so he says). His first edit to the death rules are as follows (5th edition):
1) If you get dropped to 0 or fewer hit points, you die.
....
Then, when Zed died in one hit (Direwolf attack THE FIRST NIGHT WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING, of course), he decided that he would let him live if he willingly decided to serve the goddess of the underworld. After that, the rule changed to:
1) If you get dropped to 0 or fewer hit points, you may either:
A) Die,
B) Roll a die, on an 11 or higher, you are stable, on a 10 or lower, you are dead.
C) Let me screw up your character in an amusing fashion. They are now stable.
And so it came to be that Aust's cousin Aimon decided he did very much indeed fear death, and so he lost an arm.

HE PLAYED THE VIOL HIS ENTIRE LIFE.

Now, right before the "Death" of the third character in as many sessions, he has decided to revise his rule to be less... deadly.
1) If you get dropped to 0 or fewer hit points, you may either:
A) Die,
B) Roll a die, on an 11 or higher, you start normal death saving throws, on a 10 or lower, you are dead unless you let me screw with your character.
And that is how Gredith the halfling rogue started to petrify... from the feet up.
I can't wait for my turn.

[Illven]

Evil campaign quotes

Spoiler

Show

Chris (GM): (OOC) pssh I make the rules
Nicky: (OOC) [where's my house?

Chris (GM)it's actually to move at all
if you pass you can move half your speed
Michel: (OOC) (that's some insane sand, then)

Nicky (OOC) [we're bluffing about this?
[I mean, I literally just murdered a prisoner, so... Clearly Nicky's okay with feeding the other one to something else

Nicky (OOC) [So I have a 30% chance of moving?
[Vichy actually can't move

Shiela "are you sure its a he?"
"did you cop a feel?"
Michel "Honestly, I don't care."
"You put way more thought into that stuff than I do."
Nicky "To be fair, you were the one flirting with the daughter of that family that tried to kill us"

Michel (OOC) (Maybe because he's....Bat Dragon!)

Nicky (OOC) [Because Blue dragon's don't get it naturally. Because I literally ran a game about fighting dragons. You remember? You were in it?
Large is 2d6 I think ]

Michel (OOC) (it's ok, Silver. ignore Shiela, like we all do)

Shiela (OOC) (remember kids a smart man know when its time to RUN LIKE A LITTLE BITCH!)

Nicky "Maybe we should take it alive, so we can.... "ask" it where it's treasure is."
Michel "You think it'd tell us?"
Nicky "Eventually"
Shiela "i like the idea of torturing a dragon!"

Michel: (OOC) unless shiela drops it now
Michel: (OOC) then stun remains useless

Michel: "Yes. And prior I outran a camel. And before that I somersaulted 10 ft in the air across narrow beams."
Michel: "I really don't know why you didn't surrender sooner, you're clearly out of your league."
Hunne: "What are you?"
Michel: "A business man."
Shiela "Michel OP PLZ NERF"

Nicky "Now someone needs to get me to the trail. And bring along the unconscious dragon, torture, kill, reanimate"

Nicky: (OOC) I'm not a torturer by trade...... So....
Michel: (OOC) (the evil party's so squeamish, lol)

Shiela: (OOC) **** Vichy
Vichy: (OOC) -Returns-

[Eisirt]

But why steaks?



Best Disney princess.

I want to be tied to a steak too!

[D.KnightSpider]

I mean c'mon! You need to ride it like a bucking bronco! Bonus points if you get the reference.

Sadly, I had to go look that one up. However, now that I have, I'll file it for future use.

If the warhead sits on top of a rocket engine then it automatically qualifies for rocket science.

Unless you're desperately trying to convince the GM to lower the difficulty check. Heh.
---

Ray: I'm retroactively putting this on my bucket list.
---

3G: I must admit to being slightly confused. What happens when we hit the meteor?
Ray: To be honest? Haven't a clue. Nobody's ever tried to pile this many paradoxes on top of each other before. The way I look at it, there's a fifty-fifty chance that we'll either fix everything or wind up our own grandparents.
---

Ray: Welp. It's now or never. *whips around and punches Lisa in the face*
Lisa: *stumbles back and transforms into Venom!Thing*
Ray: So totally saw that one coming.
---

3G: Do all humans require violence to prompt the proper release of bodily fluids or is that trait unique to you?
---

Ray: You know, this probably would have been a tremendously thematic battle if I hadn't dropped the whole Corey-Amnesia-Angle.
GM: Ya think?
---

GM: Your distraction was so distracting that you distracted the ambush.
---

Ray: Nuh uh, nope. Since we're going to be gone with the blastwave in a few minutes, it's more like extremely temporary deafness.
---

GM: Congrats. You've successfully given reality a hangover. Unfortunately, reality is about to wretch and you're sitting in her stomach.
Ray: It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it.

[DigoDragon]

Vergil: Oh that? That's... a... prop for a... stage show... about... guns.
Guard: ...

*Snerk* Well, have fun explaining to the judge. XD

DM: "Hey, you know you can cast spells, right?"
Revanent Warlock: "Yeah, but I like being wolverine."

I had a fellow player like that. Made a really good wizard. Never would cast a spell if stabbing was an option.

Michel: "A business man."
Shiela "Michel OP PLZ NERF"

Heh, a businessman? Wow, really optimized. ^^

I want to be tied to a steak too!

Mmm... steak.

Unless you're desperately trying to convince the GM to lower the difficulty check. Heh.

Okay, maybe then. But at least that kind of failure will still be spectacular.

[IntelectPaladin]

DM:"The last kobold stands there, waiting to be struck down."
Me: "I take him prisoner. I still have that rope, I think."
DM: "yes. And as your checking your rope supply, the kobold makes a run for it."
Me: "I do a flying tackle onto the kobold."
Dm&Everyone else: "What?"
DM: "In full plate?"
Me:"Nat twenty. "

(And so a theme began...)
DM:"The guard has seen you, and is about to sound the alarm."
Me" I do a flying tackle."

DM:"(Evil player) has unlocked the artifact, and is about to teleport away."
Me: "I do another Flying tackle."

DM:"(the necromancer) is getting away on his horse, riding past you. The usual?
Me: "Why yes, thank you."

[StreamOfTheSky]

Heh, a businessman? Wow, really optimized. ^^

Not just a business man. A single-classed Monk business man! Even more OP than you thought!

[GPuzzle]

I'm back! With campaign quotes! Probably most don't know me, but what can I do. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Vladim: "I'LL FIGHT ANYONE IN THIS TAVERN! AND YOU CAN BET ON THE FIGHT!"
Eilowyn: "Oh, great, Faerun Wrestling Entertainment. Just what we needed."

DM: "What does the Sanctuary look like?"
Hael: "Ever played Bastion? Imagine The Bastion, but more rustic."
Eilowyn and DM: "Wait, more rustic?"

Vladim: "This is getting too intellectual for me, I'll go drink some vodka."
Malthazar: "Hael, my apprentice... Take this, become one with nature and go help Eilowyn."
DM: "The Earth Essence is absorved through Hael's skin, melding with him as green runes shine through his flesh. He is engulfed in a green vortex before reappearing as an animal - which?"
Hael: "Right, I appear as a cheetah, but with dark fur and green spots, and when I step on the ground this green energy is visible through my feet."
Vladim: "I stop drinking the vodka that I'm drinking, scratch my eyes, put the bottle down and pick up something stronger."

Eilowyn: "You do have to start remembering I'm a girl."

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses!

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DM:"(the necromancer) is getting away on his horse, riding past you. The usual?
Me: "Why yes, thank you."

LOL, great running gag. :D

Not just a business man. A single-classed Monk business man! Even more OP than you thought!

*Gasp!!*

Vladim: "I stop drinking the vodka that I'm drinking, scratch my eyes, put the bottle down and pick up something stronger."

Seems like a legitimate response. XD

Spirit: “Oh, wait. Forgot to roll Spirit's hide check in his spider form.”
Die Roll: *Nat 1*

BBEG: "Let me get this straight-- they defeated three of you, with a pink pony?"
Minion: "And then she used friendship on us, and it hurt!"

DM: “The Order of the Invisible Pink Unicorn is essentially Hell's Angels as Paladins.”
Frostbite: “I wonder...”

DM: “However, the seventh ruler was known by the commoners as the ‘Sword of Virgin Bane’. Should be obvious what that nickname entails…”

Ace: “It's a bible for the order of the Invisible Pink Unicorn.”
Frostbite: “...Invisible Pink Unicorn? If they're invisible, how do you tell what color they are?”

[goto124]

DM: “The Order of the Invisible Pink Unicorn is essentially Hell's Angels as Paladins.”
Frostbite: “I wonder...”

Speaking of which, in the Things I May No Longer Do thread, I suggested a crossover between MLP and the more recent MMO FPS with Pretty Girls...

[AshfireMage]

"Just because it's a blood plant, that doesn't mean it knows sign language."

[ooc] "Can I riverdance in fear?"

[Necroticplague]

Gene: Well, we knew everything except which god we had to seal. So I took a chance and just picked one of the two it could be. 50-50 isn't to bad.
Bruta: It's horrible odds when messing up could doom the whole world!

DM: Well, everyone sans one made it out with intact bodies but warped minds. The remainder made it out with an intact mind, but a warped, mutilated form. I'm not sure which is more horrific.

Gene: Turns out, while you complained about my excessive amount of firearms, it turned out to be just enough to keep the Ancient One at bay. Score three for me!

Nesdu: Hold let me check.....yep, these are my a** kicking boots, we're good.

Nesdu: We need to hold them off! Think about steak really hard while I cast!
*begins playing final countdown on a kazoo*

[Beacon of Chaos]

GM: You are sitting in the dining car, having your dinner.
Edward: Should we really be here? We're tailing [the bad guy], surely he's bound to come into the public carriage.
GM: At this point, he enters the carriage and sits down at your table.
Edward: Of course he does.


Josephine: I'm just gonna punch the guy. *rolls a quadruple crit*
GM: Yeah, you just punched him straight through the wall of the train. There is no more wall.

Spoiler: context

Show

In this system, rolling a 10 on a d10 is a crit. You then roll again, and another 10 is another crit. That was four crits in a row. With Josephine's super strength, we didn't need to roll for damage.

3G: Do all humans require violence to prompt the proper release of bodily fluids or is that trait unique to you?[B]

Ew.

Speaking of which, in the Things I May No Longer Do thread, I suggested a crossover between MLP and the more recent MMO FPS with Pretty Girls...

Well why not? MLP is inherently crossoverable.

[ShadowFighter15]

Speaking of which, in the Things I May No Longer Do thread, I suggested a crossover between MLP and the more recent MMO FPS with Pretty Girls...

Sorry to be nitpicky, but that game's about as much of an MMO as Unreal Tournament. Sorry, but there's enough people mistaking it for a MOBA that we don't need to add any more fuel to that fire.

And now, something on-topic:

Paladin: "You wouldn't believe how many times I've told someone that I worship Lymnieris and they reply with 'I'm so sorry, I didn't realise that was the arrangement' before digging out their wallets."

Bonus points for those who catch the reference.

[DigoDragon]

I suggested a crossover between MLP

She looks so adorable as a pink pony!

Josephine: I'm just gonna punch the guy. *rolls a quadruple crit*
GM: Yeah, you just punched him straight through the wall of the train. There is no more wall.

Ouch! Nice roll. :D


Ace: “I'll keep Ivy company here, in case the Brotherhood or Master Librarian comes back.”
Ivy: “Really? I mean, I don't want to keep you from your grand adventure. Triss and Otto are upstairs, so I'm not alone.”
Ace: “Oh yes, you'll be in safe hooves with a pyro and the spineless wonder.”

Rita: “Yes, I saw him rent the same room from before. He had a giant spider with him. Luckily everyone was too busy drinking and playing darts to notice or I would be still mopping urine off the floor.”

Spirit: “Everyone keeps forgetting about Azurah in Nabru, who's one of those sidequests that you blow off disk 1 thinking you don't have time, but that you really wish you did early on when you finally backtrack two disks later.”
DM: “Disks? I think of this D&D campaign more of a Steam download with a free new race DLC.”
Spirit: “Content quantity is too high for a Steam retroclone, but it sticks far too close to gaming roots to be a modern triple-A title. Overall, I peg it as a golden age of JRPG multi-disk game.”
DM: “I'll take that as a compliment and concede to disks.”

[TheTeaMustFlow]

GM: ...But luckily, this is Hong Kong, so 'fight between scrappy heroes and improbable numbers of triad goons wrecks only decent restaurant in the neighbourhood' is what's known as a 'Tuesday'. Only problem is, today's a Thursday.

The Magic Cop: I'm fairly certain that low initiative roll was due to me spending most of the turn eating the lobster.

GM: You might, however be more concerned about the fact that your face was just almost eaten by GODDAMN ZOMBIES, which as far as you were aware, DIDN'T EXIST.
(beat)
The Bodyguard: ...Eh. Risks of the job.

[ElFi]

Patrick: You know, father, you are getting older, so I figured maybe you could use some help around the house or something.
Dominic: If you are attempting to bring my mental faculties into question, Patrick, I suggest you reexamine your own first.

#

GM (me): So the clay monster flings the mook into his partner, and... you know what, screw it, I'm not rolling for slam damage. Their unconscious and broken bodies go tumbling down the stairs. Now roll initiative.

#

Troy: So, who exactly did you kill?
Theresa: Yes, that is true!

#

Hunter: ...You're one of those new-wave Furries, aren't you?

[Beacon of Chaos]

Ouch! Nice roll. :D

It was pretty good. Another character got a triple crit on the boss later on. Shame the boss then started getting multi-crits on most of his dodge rolls. Not quite as high, but enough that he was damn hard to hit.