Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

[TurboGhast]

DM: *Hands Viet's player a NPC dossier*
Dossier: Keylia is a free agent after Sera's downfall.
Viet: *Turns the period into a question mark*

Dossier:
Name: ???
Title: Stormwarrior.
Species & Gender: ???
Description: The eight strongest magic items in Kanu bear his name.
Veit: Erm...
DM: *Changes "name" to "title"*

[DigoDragon]

Doc: “Not sure how this stuff could help ponies out. Unless Stitch is planning a creature that eats Rads and poops edible mushrooms, I think this is more something for herself.”

Choro: “Also, I can confirm ‘Evil Dances’ are not Choro's MO. At least outside of a musical number.”

Doc: “I... did Pinkie just suggest I cook Choro?”
Choro: (*whistles*) “Cupcakes! So sweet and tasty! Cupcakes! Don't be too hasty! Cupcakes! Cupcakes, cupcakes, CUPCAKES!”
Doc: “Nope nope nope!”

Viridia: “Is anypony experiencing hallucinations?”
Doc: “Well, right now I'm looking at a tiny Pinkie Pie on this table. So... I'm gonna go with yes.”
Viridia: *Opens up the carton of cigarettes she found and retrieves the foil used to keep it fresh, shapes it into a hat, then places it on Doc's head*

Choro: “I'm wondering if Mr. Orderly might be able to tell us anything. At a minimum where the generator is.”
Doc: “Well, once Choro gets its voice box fixed you'll be able to get answers. Might not be useful answers, but answers nonetheless.”

Pony Vegita: “Celestia-dammit, Nappa!”

[goto124]

Viridia: “Is anypony experiencing hallucinations?”
Doc: “Well, right now I'm looking at a tiny Pinkie Pie on this table. So... I'm gonna go with yes.”
Viridia: *Opens up the carton of cigarettes she found and retrieves the foil used to keep it fresh, shapes it into a hat, then places it on Doc's head*

That is... an extended hallucination. I suppose the tinfoil hat didn't work?

[D.KnightSpider]

Matter-Horn: Since you're actively participating in the planning session for a pre-meditated double-homicide. I have every right to question your vow of non-violence.
---

Matter-Horn: You have a driver's license?
Gumdrop: Yes.
Matter-Horn: How did you get a driver's license?
Gumdrop: I followed the usual procedure. I entered the DMV, paid the proper fees and took the road test. I passed said road test on the first attempt.
Matter-Horn: You don't even have hands!
Gumdrop: I have tentacles... they are effectively the same thing.
---

Ray: So, Gumdrop drives the van and the Masked Matter-Horn... does whatever the Masked Matter-Horn does.
Lisa: And if either of you so much as scratches that van, I will end you. Permanently.
Gumdrop: ... Is it not too late for the Masked Matter-Horn to drive?
---

Matter-Horn: *hits two henchmen with an ice ray* Great job staying frosty, guys.
---

Ray: I'd apologize for stealing your identities, but you're about to come down with a severe case of dead, and it's rather pointless to apologize to a corpse.
Gregor: Vhat?
Ray: Hey, don't worry. Your impending death will totally help us save the world.
---

Shock Jock: You are not Gregor.
Ray: *with fake-Prussian accent* Bwahohohoho. You have sharp eyes, my friend.
Shock Jock: And you are not Milena.
Lisa: *also in fake accent* No. I am not.
Shock Jock: Who are you?
Ray: Allow me to introduce myself. I am Boris and this my faithful assistant, Natasha.
Lisa: *death glare at Ray*

[EvilBarrels]

DM (me): [OOC]"Okay, the impact breaks your legs."[/OOC]
Jonathan: [OOC]"Breaks my legs? I thought I was stronger than other demons!"[/OOC]
DM: [OOC]"You just got kicked by a house, you got lucky."[/OOC]

Sphinx: *spends five minutes reciting a riddle*
Stanberry: What are you? You're a bloody sphinx.
Sphinx: *hands over the prize*

Jonathan (different campaign): [OOC]Wait! It's the cultist's turn![/OOC]
DM (still me): *realises any action would cause a TPK* *rolls dice* "The cultist spends his turn pissing himself."

Me: [OOC]"we've tried griffon, and we've tried basilisk. How do the orcs taste?[/OOC]

[IZ42]

Lobelia: "Guns seem a little... not eldritch. Not my thing."
Kadic: "You seem a little not quiet. Not my thing. Hush, gremlin."

Kadic: "A pistol is more practical, honestly. Only takes one hand, which means you can shank a fool if they get in your face. Or eat something. Like this coffee cake. Speaking of..."

[digiman619]

Lobelia: "Guns seem a little... not eldritch. Not my thing."
Kadic: "You seem a little not quiet. Not my thing. Hush, gremlin."

Kadic: "A pistol is more practical, honestly. Only takes one hand, which means you can shank a fool if they get in your face. Or eat something. Like this coffee cake. Speaking of..."

Clearly Lobelia has never met Harry Dresden.

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses!

Show

That is... an extended hallucination. I suppose the tinfoil hat didn't work?

No, it didn't help at all. Other than making Doc look slightly more fashionable.

Ray: Allow me to introduce myself. I am Boris and this my faithful assistant, Natasha.

Awesome reference. :D
I'd award bonus points if I could.

DM: [OOC]"You just got kicked by a house, you got lucky."[/OOC]

Wouldn't happen to be a house on giant chicken legs, would it? O.o

Kadic: "A pistol is more practical, honestly. Only takes one hand, which means you can shank a fool if they get in your face. Or eat something. Like this coffee cake. Speaking of..."

I would never shoot a pistol one-handed. Hurts my wrist and my aim is completely crud. :3
Then again, having a free hand for that coffee cake would be a benefit...

Choro: “... Is it wrong to suspect someone of murder on grounds of irony?”
Doc: “If they attempt to murder us the same way, then no, it’s not wrong.”
Choro: “Note to self- If Stitchheart offers me Sparkle Cola, say no.”

Doc: “A collection of kidneys, a larceny of livers… Stolen stomachs?”

Viridia: “Damnit, Wagon, I'm a sexer, not a Doctor.”

Moon: “Rainbow Dash as Cave Johnson is making me smile.”
Rainbow Dash: “So Luna tells me we've gone a tad over budget with the SPP. And Twilight was talking about there being theoretically infinite universes or some jibberjabber. So I got to thinking. There must be an infinite number of universes made of money out there. So you nerds need to get over there and get us one of those universes. There's an infinite number of them, so they can't be that hard to find.”
Rainbow Dash: “Now let me make this clear. I mean Equestrian Bits universe. You find a Denarii verse you just keep on walking.”

Choro: “It's harder to kill a pony when you know their name, right?”
Doc: “Choro is just too pure for this world.”

[EvilBarrels]

Wouldn't happen to be a house on giant chicken legs, would it? O.o

To add a bit more context, It was a giant insect and I was just using a house for a size comparison. Although, I now want to include a house with chicken legs in my next campaign. Thank you.

Zandumal: *Zaps the recurring comic relief character with lightning as soon as he turns up.*

DM: "Well, that was rude." *glares at me*

Me: *Begins giggling maniacly* "I'm EVIL!"

[goto124]

The chicken leg house is a reference to Baba Yaga, by the way.

[DigoDragon]

The chicken leg house is a reference to Baba Yaga, by the way.

I recently had a party meet the pony version of Baba Yaga. I don't think they realized it was her.
Luckily they didn't ask about the spectral hands. :3


Dawn: "In my experience players prefer their improvised weapons to be on fire."

[digiman619]

Dawn: "In my experience players prefer their improvised weapons to be on fire."

Well, duh. Bonus fire damage! Besides, outside of a Magus/Warpriest how else are you supposed to give your improvised weapon a bonus? It's not like the rest of us can give a chair the shock, corrosive, or frost properties!

[GPuzzle]

Eilowyn: "Crap, one of our PCs is an NPC."

Thaminor: "I look into the lava."
DM: "Ok then, roll Acrobatics to mantain some of your balance.
Thaminor: rolls a 1

Eilowyn: "I HUG THE STONE!"
Thaminor: "I hug Eilowyn!"
Eilowyn: "I kick Thaminor!"

Maomar: "If she's one of the Guardians, she's kind of an idiot."
Eilowyn: "I reckon the explosion from the volcano sent a stick so far up your ass I'm gonna have to do an enema using eldritch boiling water to retrieve it?"

Maomar: "The tea I gave them was actually hallucinogenic."
Hadlug: "I wanna wake up with all my organs intact, thank you."
Vladim: "I'm too drunk to notice."

Hael: "I think that Hadlug is probably gonna turn into my only friend."
Eilowyn: "On one hand, you do have friends, unlike me."

DM: "The orcs have spotted you. It's a gigantic army marching towards the temple. Imagine, like, the Battle of the Five Races. But only with Orcs."
Thaminor: "I try to piss into their commander's face."

Eilowyn: "No matter how I look at it, it's you guys' fault I'm surrounded by idiots."
Hael: "Why do you ask?"
Eilowyn: "I'm basically Miss McGuffin since I was 5. People who wanna be heroes are drawn to me like flies are drawn to Thaminor."

[ZeroGear]

Joey: "So, who are you guys anyway?"
Prof. Mason: "What? Did we not introduce ourselves?"
Joey: "Not that I recall."
Prof. Mason: "Then we must rectify this post-haste! I am PROFESSOR MASON SEMDIMANTARY, genius adventurer! And this is my loyal assistant/side-kick Davis Dawson."
Davis: "Please excuse his behavior. He self-medicates."

[Inevitability]

DM: "The orcs have spotted you. It's a gigantic army marching towards the temple. Imagine, like, the Battle of the Five Races. But only with Orcs."
Thaminor: "I try to piss into their commander's face."

I'm fairly sure this is one of the more common kinds of DM-PC interaction.

[OctoberRaven]

"Ryan is going to have a real hard time explaining why a package was delivered to her in the Task Force: Valkyrie underground bunker"

[DigoDragon]

Doc: “Fallout robots come pre-programmed with 'Murder.exe' in their memory banks.”
Choro: “What icon do you use for 'murder.exe'? Skulls or something obvious, but these are Equestria killbots. I wonder if they'd stick with that or go for something cutesified?”
Doc: “A cupcake with a knife sticking out? A blank icon with just Sombra's glowing eyes? The Internet Explorer 'e' in Comic Sans font?”

GM: “The Solaris Power Hoof, which is a small magic-powered force gauntlet that has a tendency to explode when used improperly, which, legally, is whenever someone uses it.”

Doc: “Amusing thought-- Fallout in Florida probably has flying rad roaches. Ick.”
GM: “Also, the local variant of raiders could just be called 'Floridians'.”
Doc: “I can attest that this is pretty accurate.”

Choro: “We're either dealing with the Equestrian branch of Tamanous, or they're making Frankenquine. Any bets, or points I'm missing here?”
Doc: “Well, harvesting organs from a live patient would guarantee the freshest catch.”

Viridia: “So... they invited people here for a party or something, then took them down here for creepy clone-hybrid-harvest experiments? Official diagnosis: That's ****ed up, yo.”
Doc: “I quite agree. Now more than ever I want the power back on to really understand why they did all this down here.”
Viridia: “Because it'd be obvious if they did it by the entrance?”

[Fable Wright]

Well, duh. Bonus fire damage! Besides, outside of a Magus/Warpriest how else are you supposed to give your improvised weapon a bonus? It's not like the rest of us can give a chair the shock, corrosive, or frost properties!

Sir, if you just used a halfling like the rest of us improvised weapon users, you could easily give it an amulet of natural attacks to grant it those properties. Better yet, leave it in a bag of holding for a week and it gets the Vicious property completely free of charge!

Doc: “Fallout robots come pre-programmed with 'Murder.exe' in their memory banks.”
Choro: “What icon do you use for 'murder.exe'? Skulls or something obvious, but these are Equestria killbots. I wonder if they'd stick with that or go for something cutesified?”
Doc: “A cupcake with a knife sticking out? A blank icon with just Sombra's glowing eyes? The Internet Explorer 'e' in Comic Sans font?”

Little known fact: Murder.exe was programmed by Pinkie Pie during one of her manic phases. Why else would it be as impossible to remove as it is, and have Pinkamena's face as the icon?

Doc: “Amusing thought-- Fallout in Florida probably has flying rad roaches. Ick.”
GM: “Also, the local variant of raiders could just be called 'Floridians'.”
Doc: “I can attest that this is pretty accurate.”

Non-facetious fact: Fallout Florida is entirely underwater due to the limestone cave system underneath it collapsing and dissolving. Think the usual Florida sinkhole problem, accelerating even faster than it does in the real world, along with nuclear impact collapsing what would otherwise last for a little while.

[goto124]

Doc: “Fallout robots come pre-programmed with 'Murder.exe' in their memory banks.”

Not limited to Fallout, I bet

[digiman619]

Sir, if you just used a halfling like the rest of us improvised weapon users, you could easily give it an amulet of natural attacks to grant it those properties. Better yet, leave it in a bag of holding for a week and it gets the Vicious property completely free of charge!

While throwing your teammates is always fun (especially if the smaller one is tossing the larger one), if you put magic items on them specifically for this feat in advance, then it's no longer truly "improvised" anymore, is it?

[Eno Remnant]

"Nah, you can have my share for this one. Of money. I still want my XP that I got from making out with this tree."

"Cast Cat's Grace four times. Caution: Do not use if DEX increase lasts more than four hours."

[GnomishPride]

"Summon the greatmace!"

[DigoDragon]

Non-facetious fact: Fallout Florida is entirely underwater due to the limestone cave system underneath it collapsing and dissolving. Think the usual Florida sinkhole problem, accelerating even faster than it does in the real world, along with nuclear impact collapsing what would otherwise last for a little while.

The northern-most part of Florida would become new beachfront property, so it's not a complete loss.


Choro: (nervous, embarrassed yet hysterical laugh) “Thanks, Ms. Viridia. I needed that.”
Viridia: “You're welcome. I also do happy endings.”

Doc: “Because I never trust a British-sounding robot.”

Bertly (a British-sounding robot): “Now wait just one moment. Why do you need to go into the research labs? There's nothing in there that a bunch of repair ponies would need to go through.”
Doc: (Shows a keycard, pretends to sound important) “Actually, I'm no repair pony. Doctor Wagon, Manehattan south side. Transferred here to work under Doctor Stitchheart on her latest project.”
Bertly: “Can you tell me what that key happens to open?”
Doc: “It opens doors, ya over-glorified flying toaster. Dr. Stitchheart gave it to me so as I can fetch her things, but no, let's delay her project with this roundabout game of 'what does this key do?' I'm sure Dr. Tenaculum would love to know why this facility's budget hits an overrun because of a chatty little robot.”
Bertly: “Budget? What budget? This factory is bankrolled by checks with 'Yes' written in the numeric amount box! This is far beyond any budget, laddie!”
Viridia: (mishearing) “Pretty sure Doc's a guy. I mean, nobody's checked and lived to tell the tale, but...”

[Beacon of Chaos]

Knights of Re Magus again. This time including a new player, Dace, the Royal troublshooter. Basically a rogue.


GM: Make a willpower check to avoid correcting him.

Dace: I have a really stupid idea!
GM: You're going to kill them?
Dace: No, even stupider than that.
GM: You're... going to pick his pockets?
Dace: Even stupider than that.
[beat]
Dimir: Breakdancing!?

Dace: I'll hide it in the exhaust of the airship!
GM: It's doesn't have exhausts, it has propellers.
Dace: I'll hide it in the propeller then!

Dimir: *walks into room, mid-conversation*
Dace: So, do you think we should tell him?
Dimir: Yes. Who are we talking about?

[D.KnightSpider]

Doc: “Because I never trust a British-sounding robot.”

A wise policy. Especially, if it's a British-Butler-Robot.
---

Shock Jock: I deal with Gregor, or I deal with no one.
Ray: You may deal with Gregor if you wish, *opens large case* however...
*Gregor's dead body falls out of the case*
Ray: ... a good mortician may be useful.
---

Ray(Boris): It's very simple. You have James Bond, we have Strontium. We want James Bond, you want Strontium. We trade Bond for Strontium-- fifty-fifty, even-steven-- and everyone goes home happy. The filthy free market system will work this out even though we are supposed to be stereotypical communists.
---

Shock Jock: You expect me to trade valuable British agent for tiny pebble?
Lisa(Natasha): No. We expect you to trade British agent for completion of Project Ionscar.
Shock Jock: How do you know about Project Ionscar?
Lisa(Natasha): Oh, we know everything about you, darling. From your place of business to the phone number of your poodle's grooming house.
NPC Henchman: *to Shock Jock* You own a poodle?
---

Lisa(Natasha): Oh, yes. Fifi is a very special dog, isn't she?
---

Gumdrop: *drives the team van through a metal wall* Wait... *realization hits* Don't say it! Do not say it!
Matter-Horn: Very well, I won't.
Gumdrop: *breathes sigh of relief*
Matter-Horn: *plays this video instead.
---

Matter-Horn: You know, for being an alien squid with tentacles for hands, you handle quite divinely.
---

Ray: Masked Matter-Horn, snow 'em how it's done! ... Oh, good grief. You've got me doing it!
Matter-Horn: Oh, I ski what you did there!
---

Lisa: Operation Reverse Canary is go.
Gumdrop: Operation Reverse Canary?
Ray: A.K.A.: Lisa hogs all the XP and we get crumbs.
---

Ray: There's just something special about watching a hot chick in a cocktail dress hang out the side of a speeding van and fire rockets at our pursuers.
Gumdrop: Now there is a very unique turn of phrase that I never expected anyone to utter.

[ZeroGear]

BBEG: "Now, tell us where the scrolls are."
Joey: *tied to chair* "We'll never tall you!"
DR. Mason: "Yes! And you can't make us!"
BBEG: "Oh, but we can. Bring in the CAKE!"
DM: *Leaves seat and returns with a triple layer chocolate cake, some plates, and some forks*
PCs: *Eyes widen*
BBEG: "This cake was made by our finest chefs using imported chocolate from Switzerland, it's quite good. I'm sure you would like some. All I ask is that you tell us where you hid the scroll and I'll gladly give you a piece."
Serrah: *also tied to a chair* "No! We won't tell you!"
BBEG: "That's too bad, this is such a good cake."
DM: He puts a piece on a plate and starts to eat, slowly. *Mimics actions*
Linsley: "THE SCROLLS ARE IN THE VAULT BEHIND THE PAINTING OF MY AUNT GERTRUDE BACK AT MY HOUSE!"
Others: *Glare at Linsey*
BBEG: "Thank you. Here, have a piece."
Joey: "I am sorely disappointed in you young lady. AND STOP EATING ALL THE CAKE!"

[DigoDragon]

A wise policy. Especially, if it's a British-Butler-Robot.

Those years of watching the BBC have paid off.

*Gregor's dead body falls out of the case*
Ray: ... a good mortician may be useful.

Smooth criminal. Right here. 12/10

DM: *Leaves seat and returns with a triple layer chocolate cake, some plates, and some forks*

Wow...

Spoiler

Show

[Telonius]

Me: That poor, poor badger.
DM: Those poor, poor Kobolds.

DM (in a very disappointed tone): Worst murderhobos ever!

[SirBellias]

Kris: Are you a wizard?
DM (Goat): No, of course I'm not a wizard. Why would you think that?
Aerion: What just happened?
DM (Goat): Why don't you tell me?

Aerion: Can you cast Barkskin?
Kris: Like the dog?
Aerion: ... What? No. Like the tree. How would that even work?
Kris: It's an easy mistake to make....

Aerion: Hey, chicken wizard thing. Can you cast Barkskin?
DM (Wizard/Chicken/Goat): Barkskin? Why didn't you say so?
DM: You see the body with the chicken head wave its arms towards you, and small puppy faces erupt all over your body, yipping and barking excitedly.
Kris: Told you...

Kris: ... Are you a drow?
Kalan: Whu- no. No I'm not.
Kris: Oh. Okay!
Kalan: Yes, of course I'm a drow.
Kris: Oh. Are you evil?
Kalan: ... No, no I am not.
Kris: Oh. Okay!
Kalan: You're just going to accept that?
Kris: Why wouldn't I?
Kalan: ... I could use a new friend.

DM: The chicken makes some gurgling noises, then regurgitates a straw to start drinking his ale with.

[Sir Daniel]

"Can I roll survival to find the library?", and "I break the sticks." "The healing wand explodes and deals 6 damages.".