Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

[Toric]

I'm gonna exit now. It'll sound like this: "BWAAAAHHH!!!!"

[Joe the Rat]

So I'm finally on vacation from the hot seat...

GM So who wants to be chief?

Mogmurch: (Alchemist) Me! me me me! Yeah!
Chuffy: (Rogue) Didn't the bugbear say he wanted to be chief? He killed that dog.
Dook: (Sorcerer) He threw me at that dog, and I punched it. Did anyone else here punch a dog to death?
Reta: (Fighter) You're all a bunch of idiots.

[DigoDragon]

GM: *Insert Last Unicorn joke*
Doc: “So who wants to turn Choro into a human?”
Choro: “Hmm... The Last Unicorn? Sounds interesting. Wonder what it's about.”
[One movie later]
Choro: “Wait. They're both just leaving? But... But she loved him! And he loved her! They're like, each other's very special... They're supposed to be together! Why can't they be to...” *sniff* “BWAAAAAAAH!”
Doc: “Yeah, immortal unicorns seem to be weird creatures to try and date.”
Moon: “Yeah, they are always hogging the sheets and getting you into trouble.”

Choro: “Hell, she might snark a lot and come off bad, but has Fan Knife done anything less than good? And she's here helping us now, right?”
GM: “The guy who stabbed Stitchheart in the forehead might still be locked in a supply closet somewhere while paralyzed from the neck down, but otherwise [Fan Knife] hasn't done anything immediately objectionable in the last twenty four hours or so, which is relatively decent by wasteland standards.”
Choro: “There you are, see! Fine upstanding ninja-pony!”

[OctoberRaven]

ST: The mech you just destroyed beeps
Sally: "Think we have time to salvage this thing?"
ST: "DAMAGE CRITICAL. SELF-DESTRUCT SEQUENCE INITIATIVED."
Sally: "Nope!"
Michael OOC: Is Tony unconscious?
ST: Yes, he is torpored.
Michael: "GET TONY"
ST: "T-MINUS 30 SECONDS"
*Group goes to pick up Tony, rolls...*
ST: You guys start pulling him away as the mech counts down
ST: "EIGHT, SEVEN, SIX... J/K, ZERO."
ST: And then...
Everyone:
ST: It rusts, crumbling into dust.
Everyone:

Minimal Context:

Spoiler

Show

Vampires run into a Genius. Insanity ensued.

[DigoDragon]

GM: "You get a platinum whistle."
Chris: "Ooh!"
Mel: "Ooh!"
Digo: "Ooh?"

Chris: "Things are about to get... dicey."
GM: "Take five. Just take 5 exp and shut up."

GM: "Your tiger has just been demoted to an aircraft carrier."

Digo: "Good news! They're younger than we thought!"

Digo: "We've only taken down one of the five wieners."
Digo: "Taverns."
Digo: "Celestia dammit, Autocorrect!"

Wyvern: *Swoops in and snatches Chris*
Digo: "Uh, guys? Chris' adventuring career just took off."

Digo: "Welp, Fission Mailed."
Peanut Gallery: "Did your ship sink?"
Digo: "I wish it were that good."

GM: "Someone did something to her that... put her to sleep."
Digo: *laughing*
Nick: "So what kind of pickup line were you thinking the lizardman told her?"

GM: "They haven't discovered asbestos yet, shut up!"

Nick: "What did your wrist tell you?"
Chris: "That it's half a hair past a freckle."

GM: "Ask him, he just walked into the room."
Nick: "Okay, I go up to the minotaur--"
Digo: "I'm covering up my head."
Minotaur: "I know you!! Bartender, rack of beef! Don't care if he's not hungry."
Nick: "Err, thanks, but--"
Minotaur: "So what can I do you for? I'm not cheap. I'll make exceptions for that cute bard of yours. You wanna come back around after 9pm cutie? Private story time on me."
Mel: "Um, sure I guess."
Digo: "I see how it is. You chastise me for suggesting you play the catgirl fighter, but you're okay with hanging around the horny guy?"
Mel: "But this is totally different!"
Digo: "Oh yeah, how?"
Mel: "I'm the bard. This is a class feature."
Digo: "..."
Nick: "She's right you know."
Digo: "I know she's right. That's the part that really gets me."

Elf Maiden: "Does your familiar have a taste for anything?"
Chris: "As of today, wyverns."

GM: "You're lucky William came along."
Chris: "Oh yes, he's been a GMsend."
Mel: "Him and the 42-mule."
Nick: "You took my mule bar-hopping?"

Chris: "Your bus' oil looks a little low. Why don't you crawl under there and check."

[Inevitability]

DM: You died climbing a tree. Congratulations.

Fighter: Gnome buddy, we're back!
Wizard: Care to explain why there's an eleven-feet-tall demonic ape where there should be a halfling?
Bard: What are you talking about? This is clearly the halfling! He told us himself!
Wizard: Look, I'm not opposed to demons joining this team or anything, it's just that the fact that you insist this thing's our missing rogue when it very clearly isn't concerns me somewhat.
DM: The demon suddenly looks like a halfling. That is, it doesn't change size, so you now have an eleven-feet-tall halfling standing next to you.
Fighter: See?

Wizard: I make the spellbook taste like a mixture of bile, semen, and spoiled guacamole.

Fighter: I prepare to complete the mysterious ritual we found!
Bard: I light the pyre!
Wizard: I move half a mile away from those guys, cast Rope Trick, and close off all entrances!

[D.KnightSpider]

Carson: You want finesse, you find yourself a brain surgeon.
Fay: Clearly, I need one to partner with you.

Gray: What can I do for you?
Carson: Eat hot lead.

Gray: *tied to chair* And here I thought you were cold blooded.
Carson:. *puts shotgun against Gray's leg* I am. *pulls the trigger*

[Guizonde]

monk: we need to get horses!
cleric: we don't have any money!
inquisitor: we don't need any. it's called "requisition for the greater good".
paladin: isn't that stealing?
cleric: we could leave an "i.o.u"...
dm: *sigh*

*paladin and inquisitor activate their darkvision with an audible click.*
dm: you see an ancient fog dragon grinning at you.
inquisitor: *mustache droops* listening to my courage, i proceed to hide behind the paladin.

*inquisitor speaks celestial*
dm: the gatekeeper says "i've never heard celestial spoken in such a slovenly manner!"
cleric: i knew growing up in the docks would give you a rustic accent!
inquisitor: yeah, but why is it a dwarven accent? i'm a half-elf!!
dm and team: *shrugs*
inquisitor: whatever, let's roll with it. *proceeds to speak celestial with a dwarven accent, to much snickering*

[Gideon Falcon]

DM: This gnoll begins fleeing from the camp-...
Druid (me): Oh! Nope! Exit, pursued by a bear!
DM: Do you maul him?
Druid: Yup. Do I need to roll?
DM: No, but you can roll a d20 for awesomeness.

Gnome (invisible): You! Windy-Windy-Jerkface! You punched me in the face!

Druid: Alright, [the Elf] lands on my shoulders, and I give him a piggy back out the doors.

[Fable Wright]

GM: Sticking needles into a random person's brain seems pretty legit.

Alex: Wait, did we just make the leader of the local occult underground take an Unnatural check?
GM: Yep.
Carter: Sorry. I'm used to her living inside my head.

Carter: I give them my current exhaustion penalty. Time to roll vs passing out.
**rolls dice**
GM: They succee—wait, it's based on failed Helplessness notches? They drop like bricks.

Alex: Also, that guy who got some mouth surgery the old primitive way, he's gonna have a hard time explaining the penis shaped scar on his face.

Carter: Quick! Get the unconscious women to the unmarked white van!

Woman: Help us, officer! They kidnapped us!
Officer: Hands where I can see them! Lace your fingers behind your head, and get on your knees!
Carter: Can I see them?
GM: Sure.
Carter: I give them my current exhaustion penalty.
GM: *rolls dice* They're out like a light. The woman just looks at you, defeated. This is her life now.

Choop: But what about the cameras? Your invisibility doesn't work on that!
Alex: They can't recognize me. I've got a snuggie on over my baseball uniform. And baseball gloves, so they can't get my prints.

Choop: WHY? WHY DID YOU STEAL THE POLICE GUNS?

Choop: Okay, we're here. Where's the secret entrance?
Gellin: *throws a brick through the window*
Gellin: *dashes in through the hole with unconscious girl*
Choop: Wellp. He ditched us.

Carter: So, things will be pretty good when we have no longer have three women in the van who think they're kidnapped.
Choop: To be fair, they were kidnapped. Just twice.

Adding a bit of context, it's really frustrating to deal with mundane brainwashing. Magical brainwashing, you can dispel. Mundane brainwashing takes a lot of really specialized help to deal with, and three insane hobos based in a van don't have the time, resources, or police trust to, well, even effectively keep the victims from going right back.

[Guizonde]

from the new pathfinder campaign:

monk: can the oracle or cleric cast "remove curse from my d20?
gm: probably not.
monk: so curing me of my bad luck at dice is out of the question too?

( the gm tells me for this player only rolling 4 natural 1's in a session is a lucky night for him).

[DigoDragon]

I went ahead and started a new thread since we're on page 50. See you there!

[CyberiadQueen]

Yep, pretty much what you're seeing there. Nonplussed in American English has a slang definition of "to be unfazed".

That's not what it means here in California (slang, or otherwise), but perhaps Florida has its own dictionary. In California, it means more along the lines of, "Oh. Damn. We've got a problem, here, and I really would rather not panic, but I'm probably about to..."

(Furthermore, "alicorn" is the term used for a unicorn's horn.)