Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

[digiman619]

Objection! It was actually a tiara.

I figured as much, but since most people don't know what a coronet is, it had a higher pedantry level. Seriously, it's called a crown, because it covers the crown of your head! But whenever you see a 'crown' in media, it's always a just a circlet; it's so annoying!

[Diachronos]

"As your new god, my first tenant is for you to never be naked!"

[DigoDragon]

Doc: “Oh, Moony, take the photo of the young smiling Fan Knife. That's gotta be the rarest thing in all of Equestria.”

Doc: “Why can't for once we find fluffy kittens in a spooky basement?”

GM: “If someone managed to make a vial of pure 'earth pony magic' and set it next to a vial of pure 'raw magic' and make two different unicorns drink them, the vial of earth pony magic would almost certainly screw up the unicorn in question for quite some time, while the raw magic would just semi-permanently cripple the other unicorn.”
Choro: “... I'm sorry, I'm distracted by one key question. What do those vials taste like?”
GM: “Like unicorn cranial fluid (Slightly tangy).”
Choro: “So Unicorn brains taste of a British soft drink? Huh. Good to know?”

Doc: “At what point was putting a wet bar in a secret lab a good idea?”

Choro: *leafing through Glamour Monthly* “Who knew scientists were so keen on Canterlot social drama? Don't tell me you're a fan too, Doc...”
GM: “When Doc opened the refrigerator, he found himself staring into a veritable ecosystem of mold.”
Doc: *slams the door closed* “Holy Luna, that was putrid!!”
Choro: “Do you need a hoof?”
Doc: “Sure, round of applause for Doctor Wagon. He discovered like... three new lifeforms in two seconds. New record.”

[Lord Torath]

"As your new god, my first tenant is for you to never be naked!"

That's it! Time to find a new god!
Here are some related-but-heretical Real-Life quotes:

My 2-Year-Old Nephew: *Runs naked through the front room*.
My Bro-in-law: Get back here, kid! Nothing good happens when you're naked!
My Grandma: Bite your tongue!

[ZeroGear]

Terra: "Lance...why?"
Lance: "Seemed like a good idea at the time."

Vick: "Please stop antagonizing the giant fire demons with big hammers that could mash us into a pulp."
Xaltaer: "But it's fun!"

Samson: "Hang on." *uses dimension-crystal to write his name on the ground*
Lance, Vick, and Xaltaer: *do the same*
DM: For the last time, it's not a white soapstone.

Vick: *Opens door*
DM: Past the door, you see a room filled with iron cages hanging over a lava pit.
Vick: "Nope." *Closes door*

Samson: *Opens door*
DM: This room is decked out in fine silk and plush carpets. Several pillows are strewn about, upon which are many attractive succubi.
Samson: "Sweet!"
Terra: *Slams door shut* "NO!"

Terra: "Evil artifacts are meant to be erased from existence, NOT used to create a live turduckens!"

[goto124]

GM: “If someone managed to make a vial of pure 'earth pony magic' and set it next to a vial of pure 'raw magic' and make two different unicorns drink them, the vial of earth pony magic would almost certainly screw up the unicorn in question for quite some time, while the raw magic would just semi-permanently cripple the other unicorn.”

But what does earth pony magic even do?

Or raw magic, while we're at it.

Doc: “At what point was putting a wet bar in a secret lab a good idea?”

GM: “When Doc opened the refrigerator, he found himself staring into a veritable ecosystem of mold.”
Doc: “Sure, round of applause for Doctor Wagon. He discovered like... three new lifeforms in two seconds. New record.”

I wonder how many lifeforms have been accidentally drunk in a glass of martini...

Samson: *Opens door*
DM: This room is decked out in fine silk and plush carpets. Several pillows are strewn about, upon which are many attractive succubi.
Samson: "Sweet!"
Terra: *Slams door shut* "NO!"

"But they're being honest! I can even TELL they're succubi!"

[Inevitability]

"But they're being honest! I can even TELL they're succubi!"

A truly evil DM would show such a scene, let the players cast Death Ward and Protection From Evil, and let them enter... only for the succubi to all be illusions concealing horrible traps. And the door would lock behind them. Also, the room would start filling with acid.

Excuse me, I'm off to write up a new adventure.

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses!

Show

My Grandma: Bite your tongue!

Haha, Grandma knows. XD

Lance: "Seemed like a good idea at the time."

Standard answer of every player I've had who went and did something dumb and somehow survived.

Terra: *Slams door shut* "NO!"

"But they're being honest! I can even TELL they're succubi!"

I was thinking the same thing as Goto. XD

But what does earth pony magic even do?

Or raw magic, while we're at it.

I... am not sure. IC theories given by PCs and NPCs range from "Being magically healthier" to "Believing in themselves". My own Earth Pony character isn't really sure what Earth Pony magic is (other than really subtle). If we go by OOC game abilities as magical abilities, then Earth Pony 'magic' is getting more Perks per level and being able to build complex equipment related to our talents from junk without needing any kind of repair skill.

A truly evil DM would show such a scene, let the players cast Death Ward and Protection From Evil, and let them enter... only for the succubi to all be illusions concealing horrible traps. And the door would lock behind them. Also, the room would start filling with acid.

Excuse me, I'm off to write up a new adventure.

I see someone is channeling Grimtooth today. :D

GM: “A quick gargle of hydrogen peroxide would kill off anything that ended up in his mouth.”
Doc: “Plah! Ptooie! Ugh... dude, I bleached my insides.”

GM: “Starswirl's the wizard who did it, in general. If there's something magical, he's done it, invented a better way to do it, reinvent it, and then banish someone whose plan for world domination involves something he came up with on a Friday night.”
Choro: “Oh, please don't talk about what Starswirl did on a Friday night. I can only think of this.”
Doc: “What. The Actual. Heck?”

Choro: “Doctor Wagon, do you want to sit this one out? You still look a little woozy.”
Doc: “No, no, I'm alright. I'll just, uh...”
Poster of Pinkie Pie: “Hi!”
Doc: (the only one seeing Pinkie talk) “Oh, hey there Pinkie.”
Choro: “…”

Poster of Pinkie Pie: “That fridge used to have a biiiig cake and a bunch'a donuts, but now it's just mush. There's nothing worse than wasted cake.”
Doc: “I know, wasted cake is just... awful. Whoa, Super-C, I just got an idea! Pinkie, come with us and we could like, bake another cake when we're done here. Baking is like engineering, right?”
Choro: “I... Super-C?!... Iwhaa...”

[Diachronos]

"Maybe there's nothing here. Maybe this really is just an empty room with four goats in it."

[ZeroGear]

"Maybe there's nothing here. Maybe this really is just an empty room with four goats in it."

Will staring at them give a character psychic powers?

[digiman619]

Will staring at them give a character psychic powers?

Only if they retrain; as 'jedi warriors' they must unlearn what they have learned.

[goto124]

Choro: “Doctor Wagon, do you want to sit this one out? You still look a little woozy.”
Doc: “No, no, I'm alright. I'll just, uh...”
Poster of Pinkie Pie: “Hi!”
Doc: (the only one seeing Pinkie talk) “Oh, hey there Pinkie.”
Choro: “…”

Poster of Pinkie Pie: “That fridge used to have a biiiig cake and a bunch'a donuts, but now it's just mush. There's nothing worse than wasted cake.”
Doc: “I know, wasted cake is just... awful. Whoa, Super-C, I just got an idea! Pinkie, come with us and we could like, bake another cake when we're done here. Baking is like engineering, right?”
Choro: “I... Super-C?!... Iwhaa...”

Looks like a really elaborate hallucination. What if Mirror catches Doc with another mare?

[Beacon of Chaos]

Quotes from our final game of Double Cross, plus one I missed from last session. Annoyingly, I think there are others I missed. I wish I'd written them down now. These are all from memory.


Edward: This is the second time you've been naked this campaign.
Josephine: Actually it's the third.
Edward: Already?

Dante: DEATH RAAAAAAY!

Josephine: I'm going to punch it!
GM: Fine, you fight the bear with your bare hands!

John: (no less than 3 times during the session) I'll stab it in the face!

GM: You cut their heads off, Indiana Jones style.

Edward: This place is built like a Bond villain lair, which means it's going to explode at the end of the session.

GM: No! There are no invisible people!

GM: For the second time this campaign, you are now disguised as a school girl.

Scamp: He's performing a deadly strip tease!

GM: As the grenade goes off, an absurd set of circumstances cause a shard from a nearby mirror to fly out and hit you in the face for 10 unblockable damage.
Edward: That seems fair.

Dante: Can we just skip to the part where we kill you, please?

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses!

Show

Looks like a really elaborate hallucination. What if Mirror catches Doc with another mare?

As in, putting the moves on another mare? Mirror would probably be heart broken, pissed, and (should any of Mirror's relatives show up) be uncaring to stop them from breaking Doc's face.

Annoyingly, I think there are others I missed. I wish I'd written them down now. These are all from memory.

I've made it a point to always write down the good quotes back when I had a local group. I learned a good shorthand method of note taking too so I could keep up. Even then, there were times the jokes just kept on coming and something got lost in transcription.

GM: For the second time this campaign, you are now disguised as a school girl.

I'm curious why that is becoming a thing.

Moon: “On the off chance there was something weird going on, Moonshadow takes a look at the Pinkie poster through her monocle.”
Doc: *Poses with the poster*
GM: “The poster Doc was holding was fine. Penny stood behind Doc. Her coat was bleached a pale shade of grey and a set of ram horns erupted from the sides of her head.”
Moon: “Hey Doc. Don't move.” (*Opens fire at the creature only she can see standing behind Doc*)

Viridia: “Hey guys, what's going on in this room?”
Choro: “Not much. Ms. Moonsahdow just shot the wall, the fridge is highly dangerous, and Doctor Wagon wants to bake a cake.”
[Beat]
Choro: “Do you want to go check on the next room? I think it might be safer than this one.”

Moon: “Sorry about that, I thought I saw something hovering around Doc.”
Doc: “Don't worry, it's all good. Any invisible somethings hovering around me are probably trouble.”

Viridia: “I know a sex dungeon when I see one.”
GM: “Nah, there's not enough mirrors.”
Choro: “I... Ms. Viridia, it's the Ministry of Peace! You shouldn't say things like that about them. This was a place of healing, respect, and compassion.”
[Beat]
Choro: “I know this particular facility was kinda their 'evil mad scientist' division, but still...”

[Diachronos]

"I just realized that Gabriel is explaining to the NPC the benefits of being an NPC. "

[AdmiralCheez]

DM: I really should have paying more attention to potential Lightning Bolt patterns.
*Julio, the bard, kills seven high-level hobgoblin commandos with one spell.*
DM: Yup, definitely should have been paying attention.


DM: Yes, you get advantage next turn on attacking the Earth.


Dravin: So remind me... why did we fight the entire hobgoblin army?
Finley: I just wanted to pay respects to the dead.

[asnys]

Looks like a really elaborate hallucination. What if Mirror catches Doc with another mare?

Nnoooooo!!!!!! My ship!

[ZeroGear]

Viridia: “I know a sex dungeon when I see one.”
GM: “Nah, there's not enough mirrors.”
Choro: “I... Ms. Viridia, it's the Ministry of Peace! You shouldn't say things like that about them. This was a place of healing, respect, and compassion.”
[Beat]
Choro: “I know this particular facility was kinda their 'evil mad scientist' division, but still...”

Now I REALLY wish I could un-see that one comic where Fluttershy had a changeling strapped to a bed in her basement.
(Yes, someone made a friggn 18+ COMIC about that)

[Draconi Redfir]

"You convert 27 children to alchoholism!"

[goto124]

Moon: “On the off chance there was something weird going on, Moonshadow takes a look at the Pinkie poster through her monocle.”
GM: “Penny stood behind Doc. Her coat was bleached a pale shade of grey and a set of ram horns erupted from the sides of her head.”
Moon: “Hey Doc. Don't move.” (*Opens fire at the creature only she can see standing behind Doc*)

Moon: “Sorry about that, I thought I saw something hovering around Doc.”

Moon has a magic monocle? Was Penny or some other evil magic creature actually there?

At least Doc is okay!

Viridia: “I know a sex dungeon when I see one.”
Choro: “I... Ms. Viridia, it's the Ministry of Peace! You shouldn't say things like that about them. This was a place of healing, respect, and compassion.”

Does that preclude it from having a sex dungeon? Okay, maybe not a sex dungeon...

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses!

Show

"I just realized that Gabriel is explaining to the NPC the benefits of being an NPC. "

That sounds like it would have been an interesting conversation to hear.

DM: Yes, you get advantage next turn on attacking the Earth.

But is their weapon big enough to attack its hit points directly? :3

Nnoooooo!!!!!! My ship!

Two cans of Pre-war food-- 16 caps.
A bottle of vintage wine -- 25 caps.
Being reminded that I'm not the only one with a Doc/Mirror ship-- Priceless. ^^;

Now I REALLY wish I could un-see that one comic where Fluttershy had a changeling strapped to a bed in her basement.

I... really shouldn't be surprised that exists. O.o

"You convert 27 children to alchoholism!"

Yay! ...wait, what? Ahhh!!

Moon has a magic monocle? Was Penny or some other evil magic creature actually there?

Does that preclude it from having a sex dungeon? Okay, maybe not a sex dungeon...

My theory is that Moonshadow did see the goat demon that has been following Doc around. Why that demon follows Doc, I don't know. It has been mostly harmless up to this point, so Doc has been jokingly referring to it as his "Roadie".

As for the second statement-- Touche'. XD

Doc: “I walk over to the desks, hoping those were relatively safe and filled with notes on what the old world did behind the glass.”
Perception: *crit fail*
GM: “As Doc pressed his face into a fascinating terminal screen on a nearby desk, he would eventually realize that the power would have needed to be on in order to read it.”
Doc: “Oh, right... might need that.” (*scribbles ‘Wash Me’ on the screen*)

Viridia: *trots a little closer to the corpse and tilts her head* “You okay, buddy?”
GM: “The corpse said nothing.”

GM: “Doc didn't have the assistance of magical unicorn lighting or night vision eyes, so he just saw that the door opened to a big open expanse of dark. Roll perception.”
Doc: *Crit succeeds, sees everything anyway*

Moon: “I wouldn't keep my generator, backup or otherwise, with potentially dangerous test subjects. So going by other prewar buildings, that's exactly where they kept them.”

Doc: “I found a party! It's... pretty laid back. Fifteen dead bodies, a couple bottles of wine, and a cake that's doing an interesting impression of Brie.”
Choro: “Ah. Dead ponies. The scavenger's guiding star. Wait... what killed them? We're underground. They wouldn't have been hit directly by Balefire.”
Moon: “My guess? Poison. They killed themselves rather than face the end. Or maybe one pony poisoned them all to spare the rest.”
Doc: “Hmm, perhaps a doctor could perform a high-level autopsy to determine the cause of death.”
Doc: (*Thinking to himself*) “Wait for it…”

[goto124]

My theory is that Moonshadow did see the goat demon that has been following Doc around. Why that demon follows Doc, I don't know. It has been mostly harmless up to this point, so Doc has been jokingly referring to it as his "Roadie".

It did give -1 Luck when Doc first got it, and the GM warned you about what it meant...

[DigoDragon]

It did give -1 Luck when Doc first got it, and the GM warned you about what it meant...

When Doc first got it?

Spoiler: Theories on the Goat Demon

Show

I thought the -1 Luck was at Stitchheart's genetic experiment lab, the one with all the spliced chimera-like critters (though proud that I later nailed that penalized luck roll).

I theorize the goat demon wants Doc to feel insignificant so that he changes his mind and signs the blood pact for power. Probably because Doc might be one of the first to refuse the offer back at the hidden shrine. I just don't remember the demon doing anything tangible to Doc or his stats before the lab. It just... appeared once in a very rare while and stood there. Staring.

[Sallera]

"You better not fail at this. If Grimmgang is forced to breakdance there will be casualties in the party if anyone so much as chuckles."

"Adventurers. The only people who'll complain about not being mugged."

"Now think about trying not to bump that invisible boat against another boat, and then coordinating a sneak attack with your invisible allies, whom you cannot signal in any real way."

"I could also smash the alchemist's fire against my own chest to get a bigger splash area."

[Beacon of Chaos]

I'm curious why that is becoming a thing.

Well, the first time was because she had nothing else to wear at the time (Her clothes had been damage after she shielded Scamp from an explosion).

The second time we knocked out the villain's niece because she'd gone mad with power (long story) and someone had the bright idea for Josephine to take her clothes and pretend she'd captured us. This was the same girl who'd been described as Hermione earlier. Speaking of which...

Spoiler: Picture

Show

Drawn by a friend of the GM.

[CrazyPenguin]

Exalted!

New Party Member's Retainer, Rold, Introducing Himself: "I am his retainer."
Gray Raptor: "What do you retain? Water?"

Rouser of Souls:"The murderer seemed to be some kind of sorcerer, and a number of alchemical supplies were stolen from the scene."
Burning Sunset:"So, your description of the murderer is 'sorcerer alchemist,' or, alternatively 'basically Burning Sunset.'"

Tisia;"I no longer am wearing bloodstained rags. I'm moving up in the world!"
Gray Raptor: "She now wears non-bloodstained rags!"

Storyteller:"We now have Tisia the Excessively Mobile and Rouser of Souls, Crafter of Frinedship."

Gray Raptor:"I will tail him from a distance."
Rouser of Souls:"Good. Be sure to exercise restraint."
Gray Raptor:"You want Gray Raptor to restrain him? Alright!"

Rouser of Souls: "My Little Exalt: Friendship is Crafting"

Burning Sunset:"Could I go stealthily be a cloud?"

Storyteller:"[GR's Players 1st Name]'Spender of Willpower'[GR's Player's Last Name]"

Rouser of Souls:"The murderer seemed to have killed him with some form of claws"
Burning Sunset:"Did you make the murderer exactly like me on purpose?"

Burning Sunset:*says literally everything the group was trying to keep secret*
NPC We Were Keeping Secrets From:*is literally right next to Sunset*
Rouser of Souls:"I will strangle you."

Jin: We did a test athletics roll, to see how well I could do if I went all in. I got 50 successes on 31 dice."

Everyone at some point:"Why do dice hate Gray Raptor so much"

Burning Sunset:"Did he actually get out of trouble for breaking and entering by pretending to be a stupid tourist?"

Storyteller:*describes monster*
Burning Sunset:"I KILL IT WITH FIRE"

Burning Sunset:"I basically took a 'vow of no fun'"

Nirvele:"It was a great session of watching everyone else do things."

Burning Sunset:"Violence is always the answer."
Nirvele: "I thought you were a monk?"

[GPuzzle]

Xia: "I'll steal all their panties while they're wearing it!"

[OctoberRaven]

"I wouldn't say I'm a politician. I'm more like Robin Wood."

"Who's Robin Wood?"

"You know, she was the ninja who fought the corruption in Nothingham and defended the common man."

[CrazyPenguin]

Burning Sunset:"Perhaps Gray Raptor will finally learn of the legendary 'first person pronouns.'"

[TurboGhast]

DM: While the guard actually doing his job doesn't recognize you, the other one sees that there's a giant bounty on you and moves towards you.
Hemer: Okay, there's no way this doesn't end in a fight. Magic Missile!
DM: The guard dies, and yelps as he does.
Lia: Oh, now you're the one killing people for small things.

Hemer: As a bonus action, I pull a dead *rolls* cat out of my bag of tricks.
DM: One of the guards you're fighting sees you do this, and runs away it just freaked him out.