Things I May No Longer Do While Playing XI: I May Not Postpone Naming My Thread

[Guizonde]

*"i saw it on tv once" is not a valid reason for a character doing anything in pathfinder.
**it's not a valid reason for a player either, unless it's nuclear-grade awesomesauce.

*just because i have experience in home made incendiaries does not mean my character can create napalm off the cuff.
**even if it's so simple i can do it as a parlor trick.
*** this goes for smoke bombs too.
**** no doing it mid-session under a smoke detector.

*i can't justify any whacky survival tricks i pull off in-game until i've pulled it off myself in front of an audience.

*even if i did it personally before, i can't take the flaw "makes soup catch on fire" if i also took "profession: master chef".

[Socratov]

*"i saw it on tv once" is not a valid reason for a character doing anything in pathfinder.
**it's not a valid reason for a player either, unless it's nuclear-grade awesomesauce.

*just because i have experience in home made incendiaries does not mean my character can create napalm off the cuff.
**even if it's so simple i can do it as a parlor trick.
*** this goes for smoke bombs too.
**** no doing it mid-session under a smoke detector.

*i can't justify any whacky survival tricks i pull off in-game until i've pulled it off myself in front of an audience.

*even if i did it personally before, i can't take the flaw "makes soup catch on fire" if i also took "profession: master chef".

But what about your signature dish: Consommé Flambé?

[Guizonde]

But what about your signature dish: Consommé Flambé?

despite the tastiness of that dish, people keep complaining that their mouth is on fire after eating it. weaklings. there's two kinds of food: chili peppers and meat. nothing else.

Spoiler: real response

Show

as they say on the web, "i loll'd". hadn't expected a comeback like that.

[sengmeng]

*my class cannot be "Memelord"

[Spookykid]

*May not name my familiar "eye" to avoid deception, incite or bluff checks.

Eye did not murder that hobo!

[Anonymouswizard]

* May no longer replace the cult's holy book with a copy of the Nekonomicon.

[Bayar]

Here's a list I've made of things I should probably not do in a particular campaign setting. A bit of context: the game world is a post post-apocalypse in which the various races have begun reclaiming receding landmasses after a 500 year long global flood. Playing as an engineer artificer (a mix between dwarves and gnomes, they built submarines to escape the inundation and crossbred into a new race).

Though I haven't actually done these things (mostly), the DM was probably taking notes

Things I'm probably not allowed to do in Megadungeon

1. Not allowed to pray to Quasxthe for a second inundation.
2. Engineer submarines were not all yellow.
3. Nor were they only red or pink.
4. The engineer national sport is not rat racing.
5. There is a limit to how many upgrades I can add to a crossbow.
6. Adding a wand chamber to my gauntlet will not let me pretend to be Megaman.
7. It most certainly not let me pretend to be Megamaid.
8. Throwbacks don’t have cooties.
9. Just because dwarves and gnomes created submarines to survive the inundation doesn’t mean kobolds created airships to do the same.
10. The reason there are not a lot of kobolds around nowadays is not because they created spelljammers and left the planet.
11. Drow did not escape to the plane of shadows through a stargate.
12. None of my magical item recipes require the skin of a platinum dragon.
13. Can’t cast permanent enlarge person on myself just to be at eye level with the rest of the party.
14. My mount won’t appreciate being upgraded into a clockwork steed.
15. There are no illegal mount races in Endessy.
16. Cannot cross out the “engineer” part on the bounty board and replace it with mongrelfolk.
17. Flanthen does not translate into Flathead in common.
18. Mount Dis is not also known as Blackrock mountain.
19. Cannot use out of character knowledge to gain advantages. This includes but is not limited to: going to the cold Iron mine to harvest all the chitin from the centipedes to turn it into armor, visiting the Inglip menagerie in order to complete other quests or tracking escaped slaves for a possible reward.
20. Not allowed to write The Lawful Encyclopedia of Law or any other such nonsense.
21. Cannot turn the Dwarven Tombs into a theme park.
22. Not allowed to create Airforged.
23. Naming the first prototype Airforged One will win me no friends.
24. The reason Throwbacks are discouraged from mating with each other has nothing to do with recessive genes.
25. The reason most certainly isn’t racial purity.
26. What Serpent Pass needs is not a roller-coaster.
27. Engineers are not miniature Orks.
28. If we build a castle and I call dibs on the basement, it is assumed I’ll still add lighting and not just rely on my darkvision.
29. My Sundark Goggles do not resemble night vision goggles.
30. If my long term goal was to build an Airship, can’t just switch it with an Earth Sled just because we have a talking door that we could attach to it.
31. Being cheaper to build and gaining access to it sooner than an Airship are more appropriate reasons.
32. Not allowed to write fan fiction about the other party members. Especially not the erotic kind.
33. Yes, mounts, familiars and animal companions count as party members.
34. Rule 32 now includes party members of other parties , PC on the waiting list, NPC’s and random encounters.
35. Writing fan fiction about the character’s PLAYERS will get me banned.
36. No matter how high I can boost it’s CHA, my mount will not count as “the most beautiful being to be found in all the cosmos”, nor would marrying it bring an alliance with Equestria.
37. Plantforged do not have tentacles, nor would that be the reason for elves to try and create them.
38. It is unlikely my character is a descendant of Georpe the Mage.
39. The reason it’s unlikely is not because Georpe did not get any.
40. Mongrelfolk do not wear dog collars.
41. I could try to seduce Knight Tristram only if the reason for doing so doesn’t involve “genetic research”.
42. Should not ask the DM if the Tarrasque is now sleeping underwater, awaiting it’s awakening.
43. Not allowed to say what The Surface Holdings look like.
44. Must not start a research program on the diversity of random encounters.
45. Must not convince the factotum to start it either.
46. Cannot cover the floor of the Dwarven tombs with granite slabs, limescale or concrete to prevent skeletons from popping out.
47. My artificer is not a “whispered” possessing knowledge of Black Technology.
48. My engineer is not actually a sleeper agent.
49. The parties fighter is not actually “the red guy”, no matter how he dresses.
50. The reason my character started adventuring was not excessive keelhaulings.
51. Just because the DM permits a lot of things and is generally positive, does not give me the permission to call him “yes man”.
52. The inundation was not caused by a resonance cascade.
53. I am forbidden from trying to cause one just to prove my theory.
54. The party did not kill their bumbling idiot on a previous adventure.
55. Should not ask if the dead githzerai was named Miss Yellow.
56. We aren’t Power Rangers, despite the crusader’s claims.
57. A good gift for the crusader would not be an industrial size meat grinder.
58. A good gift for the wizard would not involve anything lewd.
59. A good gift for the factotum should not be a pet rock so he can have a companion like the rest of us.
60. I will let the others figure out what to gift my character and not just “suggest” what I want.
61. Especially won’t suggest different things so they end up bickering or getting me more stuff.
62. Our former warlock partymember will probably not become the next BBEG.
63. Though the reason for that might be more diverse than “he found someone to get it on with”.
64. The reason the submarine is called Ankeg might be “the dwarf who named it was illiterate” or “we lost the ‘h’ due to rust”. But it’s unlikely to be “The keg of beer used to christen it smashed the ‘h’ right off”.
65. Engineer submarines do not have, nor can be retrofitted with outhouses.
66. Yes, they do have indoor plumbing.
67. They also have indoor illumination, even if dwarves wanted to make budget cuts in that department.
68. Will not claim that my character suffered memory loss just because WotC deleted their forum and by extension the Char-op boards.
69. The two earth elementals are not The Slag Brothers, Rock and Gravel.
70. We are not X-COM, no matter how many extraplanars, outsiders or abberations we kill.
71. The long periods of inactivity are not due to lag, server patches or expansion pack installation.
72. My character's face was not altered by Blizzard to look older.
73. It wouldn't lower my CHA anyway.
74. It might make me look like Parvink though.
75. “Omorashi ? Omoshiroi !” is probably not a good thing to shout at random.
76. Just because my crossbow has jade inlays doesn't mean it's a jaded crossbow.
77. The Scorpion Emperor is not that guy from Kill Bill Vol. 2.
78. He doesn't shout “Get over here !” either.
79. Just because I can breathe water, doesn't mean I have to spend my bath time underwater at all times.
80. Tearless shampoo does not require a DC: 30 Craft (Alchemy) check to make.
81. Even if I ride around on a skeletal pony and most of the spells I've used are from the Necromancy school, I should probably not introduce myself as “Deathbringer Diane”.
82. Just because I now have both Lawful and Chaotic allignments doesn't give me the excuse to introduce myself as “Karr the Betrayer” or “Twice betrayer of Magg”.
83. Backstabbing my party and whoever I meet doesn't justify doing #82.
84. Wand chambers are not shotguns, nor do wands spew out shells when activated.
85. An Expeditious Messenger is not a Servo Skull.
86. Can't claim my Dedicated Wright is actually my brother. Especially if I make him to look like a miniature warforged.
87. Can't order a Furtive Filcher to pretend it's my own shadow.
88. Can't make an Iron Defender look like any dog of the toy breed.
89. Making him look and act like an animatronic toy dog that walks a bit, barks, then does a flip WILL cause sanity loss. So I should not do it.
90. My Packmate is not a “Chinese Bootleg of Rincewind's Luggage”.

[Guizonde]

big ol' snippo

i don't know what kind of kitchen sink you're playing in, but i want in. are automatic combat goats allowed as exotic weapons?

[DigoDragon]

Are automatic combat goats allowed as exotic weapons?

I think my D&D ranger suddenly has a project with that goat he recently obtained.

[Guizonde]

I think my D&D ranger suddenly has a project with that goat he recently obtained.

like figuring out how to make a goat shoot bullets? like helping me figure out what is an automatic combat goat? learning how to dual wield livestock? the people demand to know!!

[JAL_1138]

From the current game:

*No plan by the players should make the DM calculate a) the precise volume in cubic feet of water in a given pool, and b) the (non-radioactive) half-life of the impurities therein rendering the water murky, based on causing said impurities to settle out of suspension from one cubic foot per casting with a liberal reading of Prestidigitation.
**If we make the DM calculate the above and the timeframe actually turns out quite feasible, may not decide to just wade across and not bother casting Prestidigitation that many times.
***There is a fine line between a band of heroic adventurers and a gaggle of paranoid nutcases. We're so far past that line we suspect it might be a mimic waiting to attack us.

[oxybe]

Look man, there is Paranoia, Healthy Paranoia, and then there is the fact the walls are pulsating and doorways just seem to disappear on us.

For all we know, the Elf we found may just be something akin to the most elaborate Advanced/Dire Wolf-in-sheep's-Clothing ever hiding out in the Greater Mimic Dungeon in a form of symbiosis, trying to lure adventurers deeper and deeper into the beast's digestive sac by playing the sympathy card (HE HAD A DOGGO. Yes it was a wolf, but the man had a doggo. How can you not help him and his pupper out?!) and eating the remains.

[Bayar]

We once found a knight being overpowered by a vrock. After helping her escape, she tried to level drain our wizardess while the rest of the party was resting. Turns out, the succubus summoned the vrock to attack her so we could rescue her. Paranoia is always good.

[danielxcutter]

We once found a knight being overpowered by a vrock. After helping her escape, she tried to level drain our wizardess while the rest of the party was resting. Turns out, the succubus summoned the vrock to attack her so we could rescue her. Paranoia is always good.

To be fair, a DM who makes players too paranoid isn't a great one. Either you should make it fun for everyone, or you should soften them up before you pull the carpet from under their feet. Bonus points if you make them forget that there was a carpet in the first place.

[Anonymouswizard]

***There is a fine line between a band of heroic adventurers and a gaggle of paranoid nutcases. We're so far past that line we suspect it might be a mimic waiting to attack us.

Yeah, that is a good description of the party. Especially considering that you were right and there was a horrible aquatic monster.

Yes it was a wolf, but the man had a doggo. How can you not help him and his pupper out?!)

* May not mention that I don't actually like dogs, and if this was real life I'd have left the thing in the dungeon.

To be fair, a DM who makes players too paranoid isn't a great one. Either you should make it fun for everyone, or you should soften them up before you pull the carpet from under their feet. Bonus points if you make them forget that there was a carpet in the first place.

The thing is, the GM isn't trying to make us paranoid, it's just every time he convinces us it's safe our paranoia turns out to be justified. IIRC there was the pit trap two party members fell into, the poisonous spores I totally saw coming and took so the rest of the party didn't have to, and the aquatic encounter (as was said, all dungeons are dry until the GM finds an aquatic monster they want to use).

My character's first dungeon is driving him to alcoholism. This is note a good sign.

* Cannot have the horrors of the noob cave drive my character to alcoholism.

* May not check the gender of the elf we found just because the wainwright's species was never mentioned.
** Cannot discuss whether or not we should go back to town and get a larger search party.
*** Under no circumstances should the paladin suggest to the party we just find a different missing girl to bring back.

[Lord Raziere]

* May not place a red gem in a dungeon that blinks a little light when you touch it without explaining what it does
** When the wizard identifies it, the description may not be "this gem randomly makes one of five closest targets evil and out to kill the other four when touched without given any sign which one is the victim. Signs include: pyromania, kleptomania, paranoia, and consistent homicidal behavior"
*** May not then roll dice behind my screen for no reason and pass out five secret notes to everyone, all of them saying "Your not evil. Be wary."
**** May not reveal that the gem in fact was only enchanted to emit the little light then fool the identify with that message and that it couldn't make anyone evil at all after the entire party has killed one another out of paranoia.

[Anonymouswizard]

* May not place a red gem in a dungeon that blinks a little light when you touch it without explaining what it does
** When the wizard identifies it, the description may not be "this gem randomly makes one of five closest targets evil and out to kill the other four when touched without given any sign which one is the victim. Signs include: pyromania, kleptomania, paranoia, and consistent homicidal behavior"
*** May not then roll dice behind my screen for no reason and pass out five secret notes to everyone, all of them saying "Your not evil. Be wary."
**** May not reveal that the gem in fact was only enchanted to emit the little light then fool the identify with that message and that it couldn't make anyone evil at all after the entire party has killed one another out of paranoia.

And nobody noticed the signs perfectly describe 90% of adventurers?

[Guizonde]

* May not place a red gem in a dungeon that blinks a little light when you touch it without explaining what it does
** When the wizard identifies it, the description may not be "this gem randomly makes one of five closest targets evil and out to kill the other four when touched without given any sign which one is the victim. Signs include: pyromania, kleptomania, paranoia, and consistent homicidal behavior"
*** May not then roll dice behind my screen for no reason and pass out five secret notes to everyone, all of them saying "Your not evil. Be wary."
**** May not reveal that the gem in fact was only enchanted to emit the little light then fool the identify with that message and that it couldn't make anyone evil at all after the entire party has killed one another out of paranoia.

i did similar with a box that smelled of rotting fruit. the doc got a correct roll on identifying it (rotting fruit that smelled vaguely of ammonia, turpentine, and rotting rats), but not high enough to know it wasn't a toxic gas. the players then proceeded to associate this smell with rabid animals attacking them. they made their characters bathe 3 times, and change clothes. when i told them it was a harmless garbage bin, they glared at me.

[Socratov]

despite the tastiness of that dish, people keep complaining that their mouth is on fire after eating it. weaklings. there's two kinds of food: chili peppers and meat. nothing else.

Spoiler: real response

Show

as they say on the web, "i loll'd". hadn't expected a comeback like that.

If it isn't eye watering, it can't be mouth watering.

Happy to help

If it helps you any, I like cooking, food, witty banter and gaming, so your post tickled my brain in a funny way...

[Lord Raziere]

And nobody noticed the signs perfectly describe 90% of adventurers?

Well that is what makes it paranoia inducing: if your normal behavior is already that, how can you tell anything is different?

but seriously that one was hypothetical actually. sorry.

[Guizonde]

If it helps you any, I like cooking, food, witty banter and gaming, so your post tickled my brain in a funny way...

sounds like half my regular pen and paper team, you'd love it. half are cooking, the other half preparing the ingredients, all are involved in different word games, pun contests, humorous insult throwdowns, and the like.

[Socratov]

despite the tastiness of that dish, people keep complaining that their mouth is on fire after eating it. weaklings. there's two kinds of food: chili peppers and meat. nothing else.

Spoiler: real response

Show

as they say on the web, "i loll'd". hadn't expected a comeback like that.

sounds like half my regular pen and paper team, you'd love it. half are cooking, the other half preparing the ingredients, all are involved in different word games, pun contests, humorous insult throwdowns, and the like.

Please tell me the city you and your pals operate in start with 'U' and is situated slightly below sea-level...

[Guizonde]

Please tell me the city you and your pals operate in start with 'U' and is situated slightly below sea-level...

ouch, nope. toulouse, france. chances are we're not even on the same continent.

back on topic:

*dire badgers are not throwing weapons.
**even for druids.
*"punting" is not a sport. this goes double if it involves the following projectiles: halflings, small dogs, furry woodland creatures, animal droppings, babies, skulls, haggis, and the dm's brain.
*foodfights are a good distraction. throwing a tin of caviar and 3 shivs at a group of bums will net me an alignment change, however.
*bulletproof berets in a post-apocalyptic setting are tolerable if a bit flamboyant. asking the dm for a "beret of hardheadedness" (+1 ac) in pathfinder will be met with sardonic laughter, and the setting on fire of my current beret.
*my inquisitor's uncle is not named henderson. i must stop acting like they're family.

[JAL_1138]

To be fair, a DM who makes players too paranoid isn't a great one. Either you should make it fun for everyone, or you should soften them up before you pull the carpet from under their feet. Bonus points if you make them forget that there was a carpet in the first place.

It's not entirely the DM's fault (although as Anonymouswizard and Oxybe said, our paranoia has turned out to be rather justified, and just when we think we're being too paranoid and need to get the game moving). We're all Playgrounders, and our paranoia began long before the dungeon did. We spent like an hour of the first session on a long tangent about ridiculous old-school traps in Gygax modules, and just how many things could potentially be mimics or other monsters-that-look-like-other-things (the answer we settled on was pretty much "literally everything, up to and including the universe itself").

[Socratov]

ouch, nope. toulouse, france. chances are we're not even on the same continent.

back on topic:

*dire badgers are not throwing weapons.
**even for druids.
*"punting" is not a sport. this goes double if it involves the following projectiles: halflings, small dogs, furry woodland creatures, animal droppings, babies, skulls, haggis, and the dm's brain.
*foodfights are a good distraction. throwing a tin of caviar and 3 shivs at a group of bums will net me an alignment change, however.
*bulletproof berets in a post-apocalyptic setting are tolerable if a bit flamboyant. asking the dm for a "beret of hardheadedness" (+1 ac) in pathfinder will be met with sardonic laughter, and the setting on fire of my current beret.
*my inquisitor's uncle is not named henderson. i must stop acting like they're family.

Well, not that bad, it's only a scant 11 hour drive, or at least that's what Google says is the distance between Toulouse and Utrecht...

[Lord Torath]

*"punting" is not a sport. this goes double if it involves the following projectiles: halflings, small dogs, furry woodland creatures, animal droppings, babies, skulls, haggis, and the dm's brain.

What about yappy dogs? We can still punt Yappy Dogs, right?

(Disclaimer: Much as I may have wanted to, I have never punted my in-laws' small, fluffy, obnoxious, yappy dog. Or any other living or dead animal. Unless you count a Football. American, not World. Although I'm sure I've drop-kicked those as well).

[Anonymouswizard]

(the answer we settled on was pretty much "literally everything, up to and including the universe itself").

not....allowed.....to drop.......universal mimic.....on players....

[JAL_1138]

Look man, there is Paranoia, Healthy Paranoia, and then there is the fact the walls are pulsating and doorways just seem to disappear on us.

For all we know, the Elf we found may just be something akin to the most elaborate Advanced/Dire Wolf-in-sheep's-Clothing ever hiding out in the Greater Mimic Dungeon in a form of symbiosis, trying to lure adventurers deeper and deeper into the beast's digestive sac by playing the sympathy card (HE HAD A DOGGO. Yes it was a wolf, but the man had a doggo. How can you not help him and his pupper out?!) and eating the remains.

The way he said something about "taking care of some of the problems down here" definitely made me wonder if he was some sort of manifestation of the dungeon. It was such an odd turn of phrase for someone in his alleged situation (supposedly a lost adventurer who'd gone without food and water for three days).

...Actually I should probably compare his state of health against my character's backstory experiences. He's pretty lucid and alert for someone who'd gone three days without food and water. My character's gone through that before, and was in much worse shape on day three. He should probably be confused, dizzy, and quite possibly hallucinating. On rare occasions people have made it for more than a week without water, but three days can be and often is fatal. It's kind of surprising the doggo is even alive, for that matter, and much more surprising that it's well-behaved, able to bark, and walking okay.

[TeChameleon]

Look man, there is Paranoia, Healthy Paranoia, and then there is the fact the walls are pulsating and doorways just seem to disappear on us.

Don't forget there's also The Computer is your Friend, Citizen; happiness is mandatory. Unhappiness is treason- please report to the termination chamber for execution.

* May not be inspired to immediately begin brainstorming the most twistedly paranoia-inducing dungeon I can come up with, involving a collaboration between an illusionist, an alchemist, and an expert on architectural optical illusions.
** Doubly so if the end twist is that the players wake up with the aftertaste of SAN-restoration potions in their mouths and the grateful good-aligned illusionist etc. thanking them for their help in testing out the defensive setup for the tomb of a dangerous lich.

[oxybe]

The way he said something about "taking care of some of the problems down here" definitely made me wonder if he was some sort of manifestation of the dungeon. It was such an odd turn of phrase for someone in his alleged situation (supposedly a lost adventurer who'd gone without food and water for three days).

...Actually I should probably compare his state of health against my character's backstory experiences. He's pretty lucid and alert for someone who'd gone three days without food and water. My character's gone through that before, and was in much worse shape on day three. He should probably be confused, dizzy, and quite possibly hallucinating. On rare occasions people have made it for more than a week without water, but three days can be and often is fatal. It's kind of surprising the doggo is even alive, for that matter, and much more surprising that it's well-behaved, able to bark, and walking okay.

He's at least promoting himself to be a Ranger-esque type of adventurer so my character just kinda went "Something, Something rangers and goodberries" internally. It provides a day's nourishment for a creature and up to 10 per casting, though there is no mention of satiation, so he wouldn't starve, him and his doggo would just be craving anything of substance.