How do I 'break up with' a potential sperm donor?

[Pogona]

So the backstory is that a few years ago, after discovering my window of fertility was smaller than most women, and after the end of a long term relationship, I decided that I was going to find a sperm donor and have a child myself.
Considering the cost of fertility clinics and IVF, ideally I wanted to do things 'off the books' as it were, with a willing and known donor and a turkey baster, but finding a donor proved difficult, until a friend (let's call him Jay) volunteered. After spending so much time looking for a donor I accepted immediately, but I was waiting to start a new job that had better maternity leave, and he lives in a different state, so we didn't go ahead with anything right away.

In the meantime I had some time to discuss it all with him, and to think, and I realised that his family medical history and mine were not very compatible, as well he didn't get why I wanted a contact between us, to protect us and the child in the future in case of a falling out between us, and he wanted conception to be achieved via sex, which I'm not down with.
I discussed this all with another friend (we'll call him Tom) and, to my utter surprise, he said he'd be my donor, if I wanted.
Our family medical histories are much more compatible, as are our expectations of each other and agreed upon terms for this arrangement. Tom and I have already discussed things in great depth and are just a few tests away from being ready to start trying for conception.

But Jay, I have to find a nice way to say "Jay, you're lovely but I don't want to pass on your genes." but my mind just keeps regressing to that awkward, confrontation-avoiding state it was in when I was a teen whenever I try and think about how to go about it.
Jay was friends with my cousin, who died last year, and was so excited at the prospect of being part of my (and my cousin's) family.

Any suggestions or words of wisdom would be really appreciated.

[Aedilred]

In the meantime I had some time to discuss it all with him, and to think, and I realised that his family medical history and mine were not very compatible, as well he didn't get why I wanted a contact between us, to protect us and the child in the future in case of a falling out between us, and he wanted conception to be achieved via sex, which I'm not down with.

This seems pretty strange and creepy to me.

[danzibr]

First, I think, "Jay, you're lovely but I don't want to pass on your genes" sounds pretty good.

Second, I agree with Aedilred.

[Chen]

I don't even think any detailed explanation is needed. "I've changed my mind sorry about that" would be fine IMO.

[Keltest]

I don't even think any detailed explanation is needed. "I've changed my mind sorry about that" would be fine IMO.

Mentioning the incompatible medical histories would not be out of place either, if he requests a more detailed reason, or you feel obliged to provide one.

[S@tanicoaldo]

That’s why sperm donors are normally anonymous people and NOT your friends or people you personally know.

[Honest Tiefling]

Mentioning the incompatible medical histories would not be out of place either, if he requests a more detailed reason, or you feel obliged to provide one.

If he presses, I do wonder if stating that you feel like the two of you have different expectations for the child might convince him. It would be a very bad idea to bring a child into the world and have an issue over who the kid's parent(s) is/are. Also bring up that you want him to have some way to get out of child support, to protect his own interests.

I do feel like mentioning that his medical history isn't COMPATIBLE is the best way. It's not insulting his genes, just indicating that your genes and his would not be the optimal mix, which is what I assume is happening.

That’s why sperm donors are normally anonymous people and NOT your friends or people you personally know.

I've heard of this happening successfully many times, through never personally. I guess most guys aren't going to pressure a lesbian couple looking to build a nest together into doing it the ol' fashioned way?

[willowedc]

Wow...ok, so I was just looking for topics to bump up my post stats as newly joined, um, user? Yeah, we'll go with that. Logic, bio-compatability, and history are all valid reasons for looking for a sperm donor. The very fact you have to "break up with" a potential baby daddy, means you've misunderstood the emotional investment of your potential child's biological father. No matter a contract or not, you are entering seriously murky waters by not going the traditional route. I wish you the best of luck, and the healthiest of children, just remember people can honestly mean everything they agree to when they sign a contract and it still will go FUBAR.

[Themrys]

Incompatible medical history is a good reason. He can't complain about that, surely.

This seems pretty strange and creepy to me.

It does indeed.

Though it is not unusual. I have heard the internet forums intended for the purpose of finding a private sperm donor are overrun with dudes who think it is an easy way to get to stick their penis in a woman (won't call it sex; after all, the woman doesn't want it. More like rape, though the dudes certainly won't consider themselves rapists).

I've heard of this happening successfully many times, through never personally. I guess most guys aren't going to pressure a lesbian couple looking to build a nest together into doing it the ol' fashioned way?

I strongly suspect hetero dudes would try that on lesbians, too. I mean, in both cases, there's a woman who has stated she's not interested. No difference, really.

From what I have heard, lesbian couples tend to ask a gay man for sperm donation. That of course greatly reduces the risk of any coercion attempts.

And I also suppose that if you just chose a man and ask him to donate sperm, you are less likely to get a creep than if you announce your intentions and take the first one who volunteers.

[Ninja_Prawn]

Incompatible medical history is a good reason. He can't complain about that, surely.

Agreed. Focus on compatibility. You don't want to make it about 'not wanting to perpetuate his genes' because that's... extremely harsh. That's like saying "I think the world would be a worse place if there were more people like you in it." It's hard to imagine a stronger insult.

I strongly suspect hetero dudes would try that on lesbians, too. I mean, in both cases, there's a woman who has stated she's not interested. No difference, really.

From what I have heard, lesbian couples tend to ask a gay man for sperm donation. That of course greatly reduces the risk of any coercion attempts.

I've heard the same. A number of hetero guys seem to think that a lesbian couple is just a threesome waiting to happen.

[thorgrim29]

Do you genuinely like and trust the guy (outside of the sex thing, which is weird as people have noted)? Because it seems like you've pretty much decided that he wont be the sperm donor but you're trying to salvage your relationship with him. In that case maybe you could ask him to be the kid's godfather and lean heavily on the medical history side of things when discussing it with him (and not the "I don't want to spread you genes" part, almost nobody deserves that). He gets to be part of the family and you get a sperm donor that understands that his role in the whole thing begins and ends with ejaculating in a Solo cup. If you're not comfortable with him in that role then the choice is between a sperm donor you're comfortable with and possibly losing a friend, and it's one nobody can make for you.

As an aside, is the turkey baster actually a thing that works reliably? That surprises me.

[Ninja_Prawn]

maybe you could ask him to be the kid's godfather

Capital idea! That's a great way soften the blow.

As an aside, is the turkey baster actually a thing that works reliably? That surprises me.

My understanding is that it can work. It's not likely to be reliable - but then is the standard biological method 'reliable'? Lots of couples take months or even years to get pregnant that way. Using a syringe & diaphragm is probably the way to go, rather than a literal turkey baster.

[Trekkin]

He gets to be part of the family and you get a sperm donor that understands that his role in the whole thing begins and ends with ejaculating in a Solo cup. If you're not comfortable with him in that role then the choice is between a sperm donor you're comfortable with and possibly losing a friend, and it's one nobody can make for you.

As an aside, is the turkey baster actually a thing that works reliably? That surprises me.

I feel compelled to point out to anyone trying to DIY something like this that Solo cups and turkey basters are not medical equipment and are not guaranteed to be entirely nontoxic, let alone sterile or biocompatible. It's a good idea to consult a medical professional before bringing random objects into contact with your mucous membranes, because pyrogens and other chemical toxins are not removed by many home sterilization methods.

Besides, sterile non-pyrogenic inert containers and fluid handling implements are so widely and cheaply available that I can't see why anyone would want to use stuff in their kitchen.

[thorgrim29]

That was my point actually

[Icewraith]

So the backstory is that a few years ago, after discovering my window of fertility was smaller than most women, and after the end of a long term relationship, I decided that I was going to find a sperm donor and have a child myself.
Considering the cost of fertility clinics and IVF, ideally I wanted to do things 'off the books' as it were, with a willing and known donor and a turkey baster, but finding a donor proved difficult, until a friend (let's call him Jay) volunteered. After spending so much time looking for a donor I accepted immediately, but I was waiting to start a new job that had better maternity leave, and he lives in a different state, so we didn't go ahead with anything right away.

In the meantime I had some time to discuss it all with him, and to think, and I realised that his family medical history and mine were not very compatible, as well he didn't get why I wanted a contact between us, to protect us and the child in the future in case of a falling out between us, and he wanted conception to be achieved via sex, which I'm not down with.
I discussed this all with another friend (we'll call him Tom) and, to my utter surprise, he said he'd be my donor, if I wanted.
Our family medical histories are much more compatible, as are our expectations of each other and agreed upon terms for this arrangement. Tom and I have already discussed things in great depth and are just a few tests away from being ready to start trying for conception.

But Jay, I have to find a nice way to say "Jay, you're lovely but I don't want to pass on your genes." but my mind just keeps regressing to that awkward, confrontation-avoiding state it was in when I was a teen whenever I try and think about how to go about it.
Jay was friends with my cousin, who died last year, and was so excited at the prospect of being part of my (and my cousin's) family.

Any suggestions or words of wisdom would be really appreciated.

Depending on where you live, using a sperm donor outside of official medical channels can open up a huge can of legal worms. Your relationship is fine now, but if it's not in ten years there may be a couple nasty legal things you could do to really screw each other over. Consider having a chat with a lawyer and sorting stuff like paternity rights out now so they don't become a problem later.

[Themrys]

I feel compelled to point out to anyone trying to DIY something like this that Solo cups and turkey basters are not medical equipment and are not guaranteed to be entirely nontoxic, let alone sterile or biocompatible. It's a good idea to consult a medical professional before bringing random objects into contact with your mucous membranes, because pyrogens and other chemical toxins are not removed by many home sterilization methods.

Besides, sterile non-pyrogenic inert containers and fluid handling implements are so widely and cheaply available that I can't see why anyone would want to use stuff in their kitchen.

Sterile? How would this be a consideration? Penises are not sterile, and people frequently insert them into vaginas.

Glass is inert, and everyone has it in their homes and brings it into contact with mucous membranes while drinking from it. Which actually is true for most kitchen implements - they come into contact with things that people eat.

And I don't think anyone would actually use a turkey baster, let alone one that has been used for its original purpose already. A syringe was mentioned, and that's what would come to mind immediately.

The most dangerous substance in this scenario is the sperm.


... actually, reading this again, were you being ironic?

[Lvl 2 Expert]

Capital idea! That's a great way soften the blow.

But only if she wants the guy to be the godfather. Sure, it's not that big a deal if nothing happens. Specifically: nothing that kills the OP and leaves her child parent-less, which isn't common or fun to think of but is the reason kids have godparents.

I wouldn't recommend trying to "buy him off" in any such way as a solution to things being awkward right now. Sincere gestures only count if they're sincere.

[Trekkin]

Sterile? How would this be a consideration? Penises are not sterile, and people frequently insert them into vaginas.

Glass is inert, and everyone has it in their homes and brings it into contact with mucous membranes while drinking from it. Which actually is true for most kitchen implements - they come into contact with things that people eat.

And I don't think anyone would actually use a turkey baster, let alone one that has been used for its original purpose already. A syringe was mentioned, and that's what would come to mind immediately.

The most dangerous substance in this scenario is the sperm.


... actually, reading this again, were you being ironic?

Careful throwing around "ironic" on these boards; it's like catnip for blowhards. But to answer your question, I was being completely sincere.

You're right that everyone is covered in bacteria, but my point was not strictly about sterility per se. My point was that the means by which we normally clean kitchen articles, like washing, can leave behind pyrogens and other unwanted chemicals even if they kill the bacteria -- and, too, the microorganisms that will grow on them aren't necessarily the same ones that will grow on human skin or on human mucosa and may interact poorly with vaginal bacteria. It might not qualify as an illness or even be uncomfortable, but any disruption of that environment could easily complicate conception anyway. Oral contact has different considerations, and ones we're generally good at dealing with, but like I said, ask a doctor.

Given that you can buy a nice sterile non-pyrogenic set of everything needed for this for under $20, I can't see why anyone would want to take even the admittedly small risk of introducing immunogenic -- and thus potentially contraceptive -- substances or organisms into the process. Is this really controversial?

[Nat_Zero]

Piggybacking on Trekkin's post. Sterility is important when doing anything medical!

Have you considered doing IUI instead? It's sterile and done at the clinic. The cost is considerably less than IVF at only between $300-800 for a session, and the doctors can also give you different medicines that increase your fertility or makes you release eggs to greatly increase the probability of you conceiving.

[JaneStop]

Yikes. Interesting thread though.

[Lissou]

Piggybacking on Trekkin's post. Sterility is important when doing anything medical!

In this case, I would think sterility would be a big problem :P