Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VI: Good. Bad. I'm the one with the pun.

[GravityEmblem]

GM: We are all in agreement that we need to nerf your machine gun crossbow.

Player: There's a meme class?!
Me: And a meme race.

[Miltonian]

Heretical context? How did that come up?

Spoiler: Heretical Context

Show

Lorenzo was annoying Zephyr, who was a Life/Spirit mage. So she bound a spirit to him for a short time that would answer all his questions. It was very helpful, because it knew everything, but it wouldn't shut up. Whenever it wasn't answering a question he directly asked, it spouted useless/useful information about whatever happened to be nearby. Wooden chair? Talk about carpentry! This was annoying, but became a problem when Lorenzo wanted to sleep but couldn't "BECAUSE CLIPPY HAD POOR VOLUME CONTROL!" That was one of the random facts Clippy shouted at Lorenzo.

Also, from a one-shot.

DM: I have never seen so many crit-fails in all my life.

DM: Sylla burns her mouth on the Combusted zombie.

DM: Sylla...breaks her paw on the skeleton.

DM: Sylla sprains her ankle. She can only move at half-speed. This would be a problem if anything else could hit her.
Druid: Only Sylla is allowed to hurt Sylla.

DM: Welp. That's two confirmed crits on Sylla. She's dead.
Druid: Sylla! NO! You were the most useless bear, but I loved you!

Almost forgot, I just finished the first chapter of the fictionalized version of the pony game (the one with Drifting Dream and Sane Reason). Still needs some proofreading, and I'm having a little trouble adding breaks in the dialogue since those two tended to rapid-fire their dialogues. Anyone wanting to give it a once-over feel free to message me.

Huzzah! The fun has been doubled.

[DigoDragon]

Gonna switch out to a completely different campaign here. I think it'll be a nice change of pace; adventure, military intrigue, unsolicited shipping.
Presenting: Celestia's Finest--

GM: “Lousy service, loud music, great drinks. All you could wish for in a bar!”

Star Chaser: (*caressing the control panel*) “It’s alright, baby. Mommy’s here now.”

GM: “’Worse than Master Roshi’ is right. Wow. That's—that’s like... Puri Puri Prisoner levels of nonsense.”

Rose Croix: “I was thinking mare, but that's because I can't think of a second good stallion name for a medic.”
GM: “Dr. Payne? Dr. Slaughter? Dr. Mike Tyson?”
Sniper Scope: “I've got it! Blood Scalpel.”
Rose Croix: “I'll take 'Names to run away from really fast' for $400, Alex.”

Freud: “You implied earlier that you see art in your work. Is that the case?”
Sniper: “Oui. I am a great artist. Perhaps the greatest to have ever lived.”
Freud: “But you're a sniper.”
Sniper: “The greatest sniper is but an artist. Reality is his canvas and death is his instrument.”

Freud: “How very perceptive of you, Mr. Scope. Do you have anything else to say?”
Sniper: “Only this—your couch could very well benefit from being re-stuffed and reupholstered.”

Commander Wildcat: “So you’re recording this?”
Red Tape: “Yes sir, Commander.”
Cmdr. Wildcat: “You’re recording a top-secret meeting? You realize this is how top-secret turns into front-page news.”
Red Tape: “I don’t make the rules, I just—”
Cmdr. Wildcat: “Enforce them. Right, right.” [Heavy sigh]

Cmdr. Wildcat: “Hmm. Right. Killing as an artform. Hmm... Good, good, good. I like what I’m seeing here. The princesses wouldn’t approve, but I do.”
Red Tape: “Sir? Are you sure that’s wise.”
Cmdr. Wildcat: “I’m trying to build a four-pony army here, Captain. I don’t care if he thinks killing is a divine mandate handed down from an angel named Lord Talbrick so long as we can point him in the right direction.”

[Gallade]

Root: "A Dire boar and an experimental oil of flight, that's how it happened. Now grab a gun and start shooting before he reproduces even more"
Geralt: "And YOU made fun of the wizard who created owlbears"

Geralt: "I'll activate the Dire Collar on myself"
Root: "It requires a command word, how will you activate it in panther form?"
Geralt: "I'll make 'meow' the command word."

"I just don't feel like interacting with, you know, people people. It's so...difficult and awkward."
"Don't worry, they don't bite. They're just stupid, smelly and impolite."

Root:"I wonder if Clara has flesh and blood under her armor. And if she does, I also wonder what would happen if I cloned her."
Geralt: "I don't think she has any. Maybe she still has organic organs. So if you clone her we will probably end up with a pile of sentient flesh with nothing to hold its shape together."
Root:"Chalk another one up for the 'NEVER EVER EVER TRY THIS' list."

[Toric]

Starting in September: the continuation of Battle Century G.

Woo, I can't wait to see what can happen to Sinclair & Co. next!

Lifted from a podcast:

Little Sparkle: Wait, Randus, do you know that guy?
Randus: No! I've never seen him in my life!
Ket: It's probably somebody you met in the future.

[DigoDragon]

Cmdr. Wildcat: “This is better than I expected. Good job, Captain. She’s a good find.”
Red Tape: “I aim to please.”
Cmdr. Wildcat: “You can go to Hell for—”
Red Tape: “Lying, yes sir.”
Cmdr. Wildcat: “She’s tough. Came through that and still ready and willing? ‘Forged in fire’, they call that.”
Red Tape: “Rarely does it happen so literally. Both the fire and the forged part.”
Cmdr. Wildcat: “Well I’ll be. You do have a sense of humor.”
Red Tape: “That is a dirty lie and I denounce it completely.”

GM: “But guys! A pony nicknamed 'Love' going to fight Chrysalis! Just think of it.”
Rose: “Isn't that like fighting a fox with a rotisserie chicken?”
Partial ‘Love’ Charge: “I don't like where this is going. No one should eat Love. Ever.”
Sniper: “Love is more of a stress ball exercise anyway. Not recommended for consumption.”

Sniper: “Personally, if the setting allows for it, go for it. Let the cybernetics eat your soul... and may they leave a five star review.”

Love: “Awesome! Yes! That was amazing! And, I only threw up three times. That's a new record!”

Brazen Hoof: “Pity ah didn't bring ah satchel charge to deal with the corvids... Though the galley is the last place ah'd want to use one anyway. The military travels on its stomach.”
Rose: “Yes, Brazen, please think of the chowder.”

[Joe the Rat]

NecroGnome: "I find your approach a little too murdery".

FairyHalfling: Hot glue doesn't make skulls stick together.

DM: As the boats leave the room, and enter the tunnel, you start to hear music. Roll an Int Save
GoblinBard: <epic fail>
DM: This is now stuck in your head.
GoblinBard: I start singing along, playing on my accordion.
DM: You see the boats returning, accompanied by GoblinBard singing... this.
MonkeyMonk: it's not, is it? Oh no. It is...

NecroGnome: So we need more boats. I grab one and toss it on the stream.
DM:... which one?
NecroGnome: That one.
DM: Your hand is stuck. Small, gemlike eyes appear as a rubbery appendage reaches out to smack you.
NecroGnome: I hate this room.

DM: Keraptis' symbol is etched into the walls every 10 feel around the room, going as far as your eyes can reach in the gloom. Past the water, you see the room is dominated by a series of descending tiers, each "contained" on the inside with 10 foot walls of glass-
GoblinBard: I cast shatter.
DM: Of course you do.

[Gallade]

Geralt: "Once we get to Quellasar, I have a tall order for you."
Root: "What is it?"
Geralt: "Meet me at my secret lair, I'll even buy you a nice new alchemy table. But you have to make me ten homunculi."
Root: "Can do that."
Geralt: "Each of them surgically altered to be as cute as possible, and in a tiny Robin costume. Can you do that too?"
Root: "With or without incurable psychological scars?"
Geralt: "Either way."

[Ganonphile]

Spoiler: Character Information

Show

• Reikhardt: Paladin Defender of Serra and Skyrider
• Drake: Reikhardt's bonded companion (per the Paladin class feature)
• Cayden: Inquisitor of Serra and Justicar
• Ned: Wild Mage
• The System: Modified Pathfinder
• The Setting: Magic the Gathering

Welcome to Out-of-Context Theater! Today we look upon our as they are fighting Red Jesters...

The Drake has just been hit by the Temperance card, making him fall madly in love with the next person he sees.
GM: "It most assuredly will be Reikhardt."
Cayden: "The gay chicken begins again."
GM: "You might as well note it’s Reikhardt"
Ned pretending to be the Drake: "Reikhardt, I’m ready. Mount me!"
GM: "Yeah, you can put down Reikhardt, and I might let Ned take over."

[Beacon of Chaos]

Woo, I can't wait to see what can happen to Sinclair & Co. next!

You and me both. Though, only two characters will be returning (as PCs, anyway) and based on what the GM has told us, Sinclair has had a real bad time since the last campaign. .

[Rysto]

Kanna (OOC): Plans, you say? Those sound breakable. We must test this!
DM (OOC): It's ... not much. Just a basic outline. I tend to play this by ear. Not to say that you couldn't somehow wreck them anyway.
Kanna (OOC): It's what players do.

Shinobu: No way of getting a few girls from class to awaken to some powers? --Not that I'm advocating drafting kids, but Sometimes magic chooses people whether they want it to or not...

Kyousuke: Anyway, Shinobu-san, my mom gave me that speech a hundred times when I was growing up. Although she always ended it with, 'And remember, if you ever do find yourself working for the forces of evil, it's never too late to do a dramatic switch of sides in some climatic battle. Just make sure that you do it out of the villain's knife range.'

Kanna: Oh hey everyone! What're you all doing... here... in... wait, I flew this far?! Dangit dad, don't recalibrate the ejection system without telling me!

Kyousuke: Wait, there's something very important I need to know. Does this ship ... have Internet access?"
Rei: The ship leaves tomorrow night. And I believe it does have Internet access.
Kyousuke: Okay, I guess I can go. But I've got a guild raid that evening, and I'll need to keep practicing for the Battlefield tournament next week, and I can't miss any of the events in my mobile game. What kind of ping do they have?

Kanna: Shin-chan, haven't you ever watched a spy movie? Everything is hush-hush, need-to-know-and-you-don't-need-to in government business. We should be glad Rei doesn't have to kill us after every time we meet.
(beat)
Kanna: ... wait. You aren't killing us and, like, making clones with altered memories, are you? Is this even real?

Shinobu: You get ejected onto your head a lot, don't you?
Kanna: Only a few times a month, really.

Kyousuke: Maybe I should pick up a light novel to read? The problem is that they're all the same. Ordinary Jiponese teenager suddenly discovers that he has magical powers and has to save the world, teams up with a bunch of girls and goes off to fight evil. .... Wait a second.... *Looks at all-female group he's joined and blushes fiercely

Kanna (OOC): So she's in disguise as an out-of-disguise person. This works with Kannalogic.

Guard: Who is this man? Why are you not with your parents?
Kyousuke: Because Keita here thinks that he can butter me and my mom up by taking me on this 'bonding trip'. And it's totally not going to work. Mom and Dad are going to get back together any time now.

DM (OOC): Oh my god, this is the plot breaking we were talking about.

Shiki (OOC): So. Things you may have heard about Shiki. This one time, a Waffle monster started attacking this well to-do gym and was pasting people to the walls with syrup bombs as it wrecked the place with a club made out of a maple tree. Sword Maiden Shiki and Axe-Maiden Hachiko not only hacked the monster apart, they forced patrons to eat the diced up waffle so it wouldn't regenerate.
(beat)
Shiki (OOC): The gym never recovered this blow to it's reputation.

Shiki (OOC): Sword Maiden Shiki once fought a unicorn. She wound up emasculating so hard it turned into a literal girl afterward.

Kitori: So, Akio, was it? Has the Amity Group even told you what you're chasing after down there? They're trying to summon a monster. And I don't mean the kind of monster that shows up once a week in Neo Dokio. We're talking about a Great Old One-level, go mad from being in its presence, world-ending kind of horror. You have to know how it ends for the minions caught up in this kind of scheme. Whatever you're getting paid, it cannot worth having your soul sucked out for.

Kyousuke (OOC): I love how you keep sending us on missions to kill Amity's minions only for us instead go all power-of-friendship on them instead. God help you when you send us on a mission to actually recruit somebody
Kanna (OOC): Collecting bosses is kinda my mission now; to reform them is my cause.
DM (OOC): Hahaha, I fully accepted that this was going to happen when we put magical girls on this team. What I didn't expect was that it would be the mecha pilot that did it.

Kanna: What's that one? Saya seems to like it. *points to zombie-horror survival arcade game
Keita: ...Oh, no. You're not playing that. Why not play that game? *points to Bemani-style record machine*
Kyosuke: So, we shoot the zombies, but make sure not to hit any normal humans. Make sure that you shoot any zombie going after humans, or they'll get bitten and turn into even more zombies that we have to shoot. And watch out -- some times the 'normal humans' are actually already infected and we need to kill them before they get close to us, transform into zombies and hit us for damage.
DM (OOC): Does ... Kyousuke just completely ignore them?
Kyousuke (OOC): I completely missed that message, but sure, let's go with that.

[DigoDragon]

Princess Celestia: “Are you sure you can fit, Sniper Scope?”
Princess Luna: “Of course he can. He doth not eat cake all day.”
Princess Celestia: “Please, sister, let's not spread rumors. I don't eat cake all day.”

General Ironbeak: “I'll kill you so badly, you'll be reincarnated as a corpse!”

Sniper: “Sometimes you have to sacrifice a burger to save a salad.”

Sniper: “Sniper Scope has many contingencies and is many things. ‘Diplomatic’ is not one of them.”

Sniper: “The results of Brazen's throw were almost—almost—enough to provoke a sense of wonder and respect from Sniper Scope.”
Rose: *snerk* “Character establishing moment right there.”
Sniper: “Sniper Scope's ego takes a back seat for no one!”

GM: The Core Module 1 hangar is sealed by heavy blast doors, and who knows what's behind it?”
Rose: “Is it cake?”
GM: “...Yes. It is definitely cake.”

GM: “Oh god, and she has mental domination powers too! Oh god! What have I done?”
Sniper: “Pffft. We all know Brazen's the changeling bait on this team.”

[bulbaquil]

Bard: "I definitely don't want to go there."
GM: "Why? You've got a bride waiting for you."
Bard: "That is EXACTLY why I don't want to go there!"

Barbarian: "Maybe you have to pay your soul."
Bard: "But I can't just take out my soul and pay it."
Barbarian: "There are plenty of demons and devils you could..."
Bard: "Yes, but none of them are HERE!"
Barbarian: "Well, we could draw a pentagram and summon them."

Sorcerer: "I'm raising the dead to help us!"

[Gideon Falcon]

Why exactly was the GM so horrified that a changeling had mental domination powers? Or am I grossly misunderstanding the statement?

[JBPuffin]

Why exactly was the GM so horrified that a changeling had mental domination powers? Or am I grossly misunderstanding the statement?

In my mind, giving a changeling access to people's minds grants a great deal of knowledge to help the impersonation and cover their gaps.

[Ganonphile]

Spoiler: Character Information

Show

• Akik: Elen Spellblade (Think fighter with very limited spellcasting)
• Iolas: Elven Druid

Another episode of Out-of-Context theatre. We join the group as they discuss the potential downsides of a particular strategem...

Akik (OoC): "Come on, this is a bad plan. Like, Akik levels of bad plan."
Iolas (OoC): "Hey now, how many adventurer’s can say they kissed a Dryad?"
GM (OoC): "Very happy ones."

[Gallade]

DM: "A guard halts you, more guards are rushing in from within the town. They're obviously suspicious of the three of you being half naked, covered in blood and with a huge sack of jingling coins on your back."
TiefKnight: "Er, good evening gentlemen. We are in quite a predicament..."
Guard: "What sort of predicament?"
HumNin: "We killed them all!"
Ifricle: "GOBLINS! We killed all the GOBLINS!"
TiefKnight: "Nice save."

Lucian: "NO. Whatever your idea is, I lost interest in it the moment you named it 'Gunpowder keg volleyball'."

[DigoDragon]

Why exactly was the GM so horrified that a changeling had mental domination powers? Or am I grossly misunderstanding the statement?

In my mind, giving a changeling access to people's minds grants a great deal of knowledge to help the impersonation and cover their gaps.

That and forced shipping which no one was... at the time specifically against such things. Slippery slope and all that.


GM: "Pick what you want. No one is giving you crap."
Chris: "Excuse me. I'm the one with the crap. I collected it from the unicorn, remember?"
Mel: "How many vials do you have of it?"
GM: "He's certainly vile."

Calvin: "Well I... how to explain this?"
Digo: "You don't want to give up your Game Genie, gotcha."

Nick: "Pronunciation is my enemy. Because when I shout, 'I am the terror that flaps in the night!', I want to be sure that I don't forget the 'L'."

GM: "So you go to pray--"
Freya: "We got to pray, just to make it today!"
Digo: "We got to pray!"
Mel: "Pray!"
Digo: "We got to pray!"
Mel: "Pray!"
GM: *groans*
Nick: "What's wrong? Can't touch this?"

William: "It's real smooth, boss."
Digo: "Hold it for now. If you accidentally kill out enemies with it, I'll forgive you."

Chris: "The bombs went off and everyone was wearing gasoline panties."

GM: "The case of the pilfered Pepsi. Sounds like a Hardy Boys' novel."

[Inevitability]

Psion: Don't forget to roll against my spell resistance.
DM: Well, let's see. Natural 20, so I think you fail.
Psion: ...what's the final result?
DM: It's 31. You're a level 12 character, so...
Psion: I have a SR of 32.
DM: But... but... how does that... Okay, I guess you're immune to this guy's spells forever. Go you.

[JBPuffin]

Psion: Don't forget to roll against my spell resistance.
DM: Well, let's see. Natural 20, so I think you fail.
Psion: ...what's the final result?
DM: It's 31. You're a level 12 character, so...
Psion: I have a SR of 32.
DM: But... but... how does that... Okay, I guess you're immune to this guy's spells forever. Go you.

How the...how did it get so high?

I've only got one quote from tonight's game - not terribly comedic a game, since we were wandering around a crypt, but we got a good haul of magic gear (and I got a spellbook I can copy so I can start my wizard levels! Eeek), and the one pun wasn't too bad.

(post Wrath of the Storm) JM(thought it was JC at one point; it's not): Sorry I stole your thunder.
Belmourn: That's your area of expertise, not mine.

[TurboGhast]

DM: I forgot the reason that you went to gather the Stormwarrior's equipment. (This is the game's primary quest.)

[Inevitability]

How the...how did it get so high?

Shenanigans involving a deity's avatar, a shapechanging power, an ability-absorbing monster and a very power-hungry psion.

[Magikeeper]

Druid: "Where have you been?"
Ozodrin: "I.. ah... pretended to be an old homeless person to stake out an alley, but some good samaritans helped me out and.. well, I got stuck at the soup kitchen."

-------------

Ozodrin: "Good thing we bring our landlord with us when adventuring."

------------

Ozodrin: "So, who's going to.. it's me, isn't it? I'm the party face. The weird shapeshifter without any real diplomatic skills, I'm the one that handles interacting with everyone."
Druid: "Yes"
Paladin: "Yep"
Monk: "Pretty much, yeah"

------------

Ozodrin: "Okay, let's just do a variation on what we usually do - have <monk> hurl herself at the door until it breaks - but this time we tie a rope around her to pull her back up before she falls into the spikes."
Monk: "I'M READY!"

[Gallade]

Root: "Put the Will o Wisps in a vacuum sealed tube. Tada, I just invented the lightbulb."
Lucian: "A lightbulb that feeds on fear and misery."
Root: "More ecofriendly than mercury if you think about it."

[DigoDragon]

GM: “But can she teach a robot to love?”
Rose: “Or does she dream of electric sheep?”
Sniper: “And is it VGA or HDMI?”
Love: “What are you trying to say here?”
Sniper: “We're saying that Brazen's going to be sacrificed to Chrysalis in the name of world peace and Love and Rose are going to chop Sniper up and put him in a robot in the name of science and Equestria's 4chan equivalent... I think.”

Love: “I'll miss you. You wonderful machine you.”

Rose: “So... maybe Love should talk to him, given he's not gonna get much more than 40w oil out of her?”

Brazen: “Hmmm... If we manage to take control of the gravity I've got some ideas. Can anypony say, dynamic entry?”
Rose: “Well I think right now Rose is saying ‘OW OW OW SHARP OW POINTY OW’.”

Sniper: “Nothing like being a high roller on a low threshold.”

Rose: “Okay Brazen, what are you hiding?”
Brazen: “Uh, I played chicken with the ground and the ground kinda won?”
Rose: “Hmm... Eh, his story checks out.”
Sniper: “...Or does it?”
GM: “He did. And yet he still wants to do it again, except this time through a steel door.”

Love: “Love sees things. She sees parts of things that we're never meant to be shown to people. Things that will never leave her head.”
Sniper: “Maybe she needs to stop using McAfee and get some better filters?”
Love: “I see spammed people. They don't know that they're spammed.”

[Gallade]

"I just want the company of someone who will swear to never leave me by offering up his blood in a moonless night, kneeling before a pool dark as pitch and calling the dark mistress Hecate as witness! Is that too much to ask?"

[Miltonian]

More from WoD with Lorenzo and Company!

Allen: And my guy’s sitting in a corner, reading through his fairy-tale book.

Lorenzo: "That would explain why the chapel doesn’t have a bell."

GM: "Sheesh, don’t take all the success rolls at once. You might need them later."

Lorenzo: “Well, I tried.”
GM: “And no one can take that away from you.”

Allen: “Why are you buying drugs?”
Lorenzo: “Why would my guy NOT be buying drugs?”

GM: “Are you going to give it to one of the kids?”
Allen: “NO!”
Lorenzo: “Yes!”

Allen: "Why are you going to drug kids?"
GM: "Because Lorenzo’s a horrible, horrible person."

Lorenzo: "I feel bad. Now I want to buy actual treats for these children.
Allen: "I wouldn’t let you."
Lorenzo: "I know."

Lorenzo: "Three successes."
GM: "You know exactly where to dispose of the body."
Lorenzo: "Communal latrine?"
GM: "Sure. He was a piece of crap anyway."

GM: "Lorenzo was nice and bought the kids some candy! Wait, that sounds shifty too."

[Mutazoia]

Blake: Looks like this was done by someone in danger of imminent kidney failure.
Blake: Kidney failure?
Blake: Yeah, because when I find out who did this, I'm going to stab them in the kidneys.

[DigoDragon]

GM: “If Brazen didn't have more pressing concerns, he would also confirm that she is very, very much a mare.”
Brazen: *whistles innocently*

GM: “That would have been a good idea before the critical failure, yes.”

Brazen: “Well a breeching charge planted on his back might do the trick...”
Rose: “You are no longer allowed to make called shots with breaching charges.”

GM: “Why they gave it a missile launcher when it was stationed on a space ship, who knows? It came standard.”
Love: “Ooo~ Love likes these engineers. No one should waste a perfectly good rocket launcher.”
Rose: “Eep! I’m covering up my head.”

Rose: “It's not looting. We're the EDF. It's ‘Appropriating for the security of Equestria.’”
Cmdr. Wildcat: “Can the four of you explain why you requisitioned a civilian Cadillac and a case of beer?”
Brazen: “Security of Equestria, sir.”

GM: “On that subject, it occurs to me that the only one in the party not vulnerable to being drained is Love. Because she's a robot right now.”
Sniper: “She's immune because her Love is locked away in a little box. Ironic.”

Rose: “So in a way, this is her cybernetics ‘naked’.”

Love: “Also, alien brain! Love has a bad case of alien brain.”
Sniper: “That's, err, not catching is it?”
Rose: “Only if you exchange brain fluids.”

Brazen: “Oh good, mag boots are just what I need!”
GM: “Glad to be of service, sir! At least until it's time for the other shoe to drop.”
Rose: “If a mag boot drops, it usually means you gotta change out the battery.”
Sniper: “Or, y'know, the owner of said boot is dead.”

[Beacon of Chaos]

Start of new campaign was delayed due to a missing player, so we played board games instead. Not strictly campaign quotes, but it's the usual group so... yeah. Guess the game.

Player 1: You've found the organ room.
Player 2: That's a really big organ.
Player 3: That's what she said!
Entire table: EYYYYYYYYY!

Player 1: Wait, you gain sanity from that?
Player 2: Y'know, this blood-covered room really helps calm my nerves.

Player 1: Isn't the cycle of nature... beautiful? MUHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
Player 2: Okay, you are way too good at that.