Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VI: Good. Bad. I'm the one with the pun.

[Miltonian]

Spoiler

Show

Geralt: "That wasn't comedic timing, I'm back."

Of course it wasn't.

Guard: “We don’t know where Lady Gellantra is.”
Idiot PC: “She’s dead.”
Guard: “How do you know?”
Idiot PC: “I saw her and Lord Theronthius burn to death.”
Guard: “S-stay here. I’m going to go get some more guards.”

Idiot PC: “We need to haul ass.”
Slightly less idiotic PC: “No. Whenever you say that, it’s always a bad idea.”

SLPC: “Oh look, hauling ass was a BAD IDEA.”

Paladin: “You look tired, friend.”
SLPC: “It’s been a bad day.”

SLPC: “We failed to destroy the Heart. Saaski was carrying the book, and she was captured. And she, along with the others, were thrown in the Wolfswift’s dungeon! All my friends are gone. It has been a very. Bad. Day.”

Other PC: “Can you steer the tree?”

[DigoDragon]

"Honestly dunno what the deal was. I think the fact that I wasted a perfectly good rhinoceros was the more concerning issue that session."


Gangster: “Hey!”
Rose: *bang!*
Gangster: “I heard you had some self-esteem issues! *pew pew*
Rose: *bang!*
Gangster: “I just wanted to say—*pew*—“I think you're hot!”
Rose: *bang!*
Gangster: “Ow! Mother of Luna, right in the kidney!”

Rose: “Okay, then 3 damage. I guess Rose wins the first Purple Heart.”
Cmdr. Wildcat: “You can pick up your commendation later.”
Love: “Rose is down. I'll remember her well. (*Love throws some flowers out of her backpack*)
GM: “She's not 'down', she took a bullet. Rose will be fine. It'll buff out. Give her a minute to cast a healing spell or something.”
Love: “It's lethal you say? We'll put her down proper.” (*Starts pushing Rose towards a grave*)
Rose: “Oi, I’m not dead yet!”
Love: “Yes you are.”

Sniper: “I like how we're starting to sacrifice team members for either fun or profit but never both.”
Rose: “Yeah, we really need to learn to mix business with pleasure.”
Sniper: “I find it’s like Italian dressing. No matter how much you shake it, the two sides just don't mix.”
GM: “I mean, if you don't love what you do, what are you doing there?”

Love: “RIGHT... Maybe, Love should blackmail all Rose's teachers to have them teach her wrong. I'm sorry Rose! It's the best thing for you. You just can't be responsible with that much power.”
Rose: “Oh great, so Rose is either going to give herself food poisoning, or cook like Horse Wife.”

GM: “I love the fact that Love is befriending the tattooed mare who filed her teeth into points and who shot Rose in the chest not ten minutes earlier. Rip is everything your mother told you to stay away from in a single pony.”

[Penelomeeg]

Bard: "You said one of the bandits was female?"

Gm: "That's right."

Bard: "I walk over and start o feel around...What does she look like?"

Paladin: "I can't believe I have to say this- wait actually I can, but please don't molest the corpse."

Bard: "That's not where this is going!"

Paladin: "Okay but for future reference, stealing and tax evasion are one thing but I draw the line at necrophilia."

[Guizonde]

Rose: “Okay, then 3 damage. I guess Rose wins the first Purple Heart.”
Cmdr. Wildcat: “You can pick up your commendation later.”
Love: “Rose is down. I'll remember her well. (*Love throws some flowers out of her backpack*)
GM: “She's not 'down', she took a bullet. Rose will be fine. It'll buff out. Give her a minute to cast a healing spell or something.”
Love: “It's lethal you say? We'll put her down proper.” (*Starts pushing Rose towards a grave*)
Rose: “Oi, I’m not dead yet!”
Love: “Yes you are.”

lemme guess, the next sentence was rose saying "i feel happyyyy!!"

[JAL_1138]

DM: The guiding principle for the other party playing this adventure is "every NPC is romanceable." For this party, it's "waterboarding is a sometimes-food."
PC: We have to do a crossover!

[Silkensword]

Ranger: "I hide in a tree."
DM: "You're on a mountain. There are no trees."
Ranger: "There are trees on mountains!!"
DM: -> sends a picture of a rocky mountaintop to the group chat
DM: "TELL ME WHERE YOU SEE THE TREES"
Ranger: "I'll just climb down to the nearest tree!"
DM, narrating: "And while our cowardly Ranger runs off, you see a bunch of harpies land nearby. Roll initiative."

[Hellpyre]

Dramatis Personae:
Sharoc - Half-orc Fighter
Ewen - Human Bard
Guinevere - Half-Elf Wizard
Assorted nameless thugs

DM: A number of thugs try to accost you at the docks.
Sharoc: I try to intimidate them.
Rolls poorly
DM: Two of the toughs laugh at you and try to push at your chest.
Ewen: Are you really going to take that from NPCs?
Sharoc: The next person to touch me gets to see me mad.
DM: One of the toughs takes a swing at you
Sharoc: Throws the tough 40 feet into the ocean.
Sharoc: I can't believe the level 7 fighter in full plate wasn't intimidating enough on his own.

Same group, different PC


DM: When you come back to yourself, your throat is raw from screaming. The mindflayer's brain is splattered across the cavern floor.
Guinevere: Good. I was really stressed there.
Sharoc: I think she just out-badassed me.

[Gallade]

"She has the most adorable OCD ever."
"OCD is not adorable."
"You've never woken up to find all the rocks in the camp piled up next to your bedroll and sorted by size."
"Still not adorable."
"I pity your taste in people."

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses!

Show

lemme guess, the next sentence was rose saying "i feel happyyyy!!"

It didn't need to be said.

For this party, it's "waterboarding is a sometimes-food."

...how?! You don't eat it! D:

DM, narrating: "And while our cowardly Ranger runs off, you see a bunch of harpies land nearby. Roll initiative."

This reminds me of the two wizards and the sorcerer in our D&D 3.5 party. Despite all their powers and abilities as 7th level characters, the party Monk has a higher body count. THE MONK.

Assorted nameless thugs

See, I can understand these being a sometimes-food.

"I pity your taste in people."

I'm not sure the word 'adorable is being used correctly here. :3

Brazen: “Might have to just wade into the lot of them with melee.”
Love: “Powering the tram seems out of the question but I might be able flip it on long enough to disengage the breaks? A retreat followed by a freefalling tram through a pile of zombies?”
Rose: “That's actually kind of brilliant. The tram's mass is certainly significant, and slamming into the enemy is gonna do a LOT of damage. It’s going to thin their numbers like a hammer through peanut butter. Plus, it'll please Brazen to know it still counts as melee.”

Coffin Nail: “Ha, ha, ha, HA! Coffin Nail is no more. In her place stands a stronger, better pony! Bow and tremble before the unbridled might of the NECRO-DANCER!”
Ink Blot: “Vell, it vould zeem she has gotten over her zelf-confidence issues.”

Love: “I'll stay here and release the load!”
Rose: “Uh, phrasing.”

Rose: “Are zombies even capable of being happy? I mean, it's not like they have a life.”
Love: “You'll probably have some greased up zombies sliding past you in a few moments.”

Sniper: “Rubble, rubble, Foil and trouble! Brownies burn, and cookies crumble! …I never did like the floating, invisible danish, though. It always creeped me out.”

Question Mark: “If you can reach my saddlebag, there is something there that might be of use. Retractable grapple gun.”
Rose: “Normally somepony offers to buy me dinner first, but sure, let's try that.”
Question: “If we survive, I'll treat you to a play and dinner at Ruthless Crisp's.”
Rose: (*ears perk up*) “Sorry zombies, this is our stop!” (*Uses grapple gun to successfully get away*)

Sniper: “Rose might want to press Ink Blot. The doc has to know something beyond ‘Oh, hey. Social insecurities are gone!’”
Rose: “Yep! That's step 4 of my plan. I'm still on step 1, getting her medical file. Step 2 and 3 is trying to deal with Pinkie Pie as dispatcher to get anything out of the pink pony because we both know this isn't going to be as easy as a drag-n-drop file transfer and more like 19th century teeth pulling dentistry with digital files as Pinkie knows about as much as she does working the switchboard as the planet Jupiter knows the concept of using Panko to bread catfish for frying.”

[JAL_1138]

...how?! You don't eat it! D:

Metaphorical, of course. We're a liiiiiiiittle overenthusiastic with the Jack Bauer Interrogation Method, and should probably try to treat it as a "sometimes method" of conflict resolution instead of our primary modus operandi.

[Gallade]

DM: "The undead's soul gets sucked in the book."
Root(Kicking the book): "You bastard. Are you having fun, gorging yourself on the soul of every creature WE kill?"
Book(Telepathically): "YES YES TASTY MORE GIVE MORE"
Root: "I hope his true form has an ass, because I'm going to make myself a +1 Bookbane boot and I'll need something to stick it into."

[Guizonde]

DM: "The undead's soul gets sucked in the book."
Root(Kicking the book): "You bastard. Are you having fun, gorging yourself on the soul of every creature WE kill?"
Book(Telepathically): "YES YES TASTY MORE GIVE MORE"
Root: "I hope his true form has an ass, because I'm going to make myself a +1 Bookbane boot and I'll need something to stick it into."

the munchkin card game has got you served! the boots of butt-kicking are just what you need!

also:

monk: ow! right in the nether regions!
team: *grins*

[...]
dm: aaaaand the monk takes yet another hit to the happy sack...
monk: ow! again!
team: *grins*

[...]
dm: ... and again...
monk: why me and my family jewels?!
team: *grins yet again*
korinn: for the sake of his lineage, i really hope he's got shaolin training.
josé: think we should pool together and buy him a cup for his birthday?
team: naaaaaaah *grins*

[Joe the Rat]

the munchkin card game has got you served! the boots of butt-kicking are just what you need!

Hah! My Flaming Bear Feet have you beat! And you can't disarm them!
(but I have no class )

anyway...

When the Devil on your shoulder is the DM

DM: DuelistDude sticks his dagger into the cave wall. You hear a slight pop, as the strange membrane covering the wall tears. A small trickle of sulfurous water leaks from the opening.
ElfKnight Mending! MENDING!!!

DM: The membrane tunnel gets warmer, and opens into a large bubble, resting on the surface of the ledge. From your lights, you can see bubbling water moving around outside. A massive crab sits in this space, eyeing you.
MonkeyMonk: Does that token say "That Damn Crab?"
DM: Yes, yes it does.

NecroGnome: I'm going to break the bubble.
DM: Okay-
PalaDwarf: Don't do that! It's water out there.
NecroGnome: No! Never mind, I'm not going to do that.
DM: Awww...

ElfKnight: So what should we do here.
MonkeyMonk: FairyHalfling could use her howling void thingy. then we just sit back and wait.
DM: Excellent.
PalaDwarf: Isn't that a bit bigger than the bubble?
MonkeyMonk: Oh. yeah...
DM: Awww...

ElfKnight: How about I-
DM: Fireball!
ElfKnight: No.

DM: The javelin goes wide and...
Party: <inhale>
DM: <rolls> ...buries itself in the ground.
Party: <exhales>

Wave: Have you considered accepting Ulmo the Sea Lord as your personal Lord and Savior?

[Beacon of Chaos]

PalaDwarf: Don't do that! It's water out there.

I'm going to yell this the next time I see someone about to go out in the rain.


GM: You can use semantics to make yourself insanely strong, but-
Sinclair: No, with semantics you can argue about the definition of words. The word you're looking for is somatics.

Katari: I'm going to park the truck across two spaces!
Fauna: I bet you're gonna park on disabled spaces too, you jerk!

Lucis: *rolls dice* Yessssss!
GM: What was that for?
Lucis: I make a tactical roll out of the portal!

Katari: I'll buff myself up with semantics!
Sinclair & Fauna: ¬_¬

GM: Something jumps from the ceiling and lands on your head!
Lucis: Fantastic! What is it?

Katari: Are they, like, self-aware?
GM: While they are alive and part of a self-aware being, they are just organs and are about as self-aware as your liver.
Fauna: *gestures to the beer in Katari's hand* I'd say his liver is pretty aware at the moment.

Fauna: I don't have combat skills, but if I can get close enough to touch the guard can I manipulate his endocrine system to overwhelm him with euphoria?
GM: Yes, that is a thing you can do. You get close enough to give him a hit.
Sinclair: A hit? Like a hit of LSD?
GM: Exactly.
Sinclair: Oh my god.

GM: Fine! Roll resources to see if you can find a wheely pallet!

Sinclair: The wheely pallet is also covered in runes.

[Gallade]

"You have your cute bodyguard, I'm engaged to a phoenix, and Elmin is...well, let's say he has Baldur's Gate. Literally."
(Inquisitive chirp)
"What happened in that city? I'd sooner tell you what DIDN'T happen."
(Judgmental chirp)
"Great, I managed to weird out the guy who spends half his time as a bird."

"Ah okay, so it just involves half a block of houses being lit on fire, an archdevil marking you, some weird stuff with corpses, soul eating, molesting statues, and a small old man who turned out to be a Bahamut priest and also a great gold wyrm."

[DigoDragon]

Sniper: “Never in my wildest dreams did I think that information would help me stick a car pun inside a Shakespeare spoof.”

Chysalis: “Except, do you have any idea how much harder it is to cauterize a leg than a horn or a wing? I'm afraid we can't be bothered. Too much to do. Oh, they'll bleed out of course, but that is not our problem.”
Question: “Damn bug. Somepony hand me a can of Raid.”

Rose: “Central, this is Rose Croix reporting in. Harrier Squad is at... uh, tram platform nine and three-quarters roughly.”

Sniper: “He was relieved that the talk had turned away from saddles. Ach. He'd entered this station a conflicted killing machine and now here he was worrying about which topics were appropriate for a filly's ears. He'd have to send Chrysalis a thank you note.”

Star: “Aaand I've been dealing with Pinkie Pie. Not only that, a bored Pinkie Pie.”

Love: “Did you patch that suit after you got shot? Suit patches are normally located in a front pocket.”
Rose: “Rose stops and ponders this info as if it never occurred to her, because frankly it had not.”

Love: “WITNESS THE LIFTING MIGHT THAT HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG LINE FOR GENERATIONS!”

Sniper: “Gotta wonder how high command will feel about that.”
Rose: “I think ‘Frothing at the mouth’ is a possibility.”

Love: “So, she's not ignoring Rose per se, she's just not being very responsive.”
Rose: “Not being responsive to a doctor is a good way to get their attention.”
Love: “I will keep that in mind.”

[Florian]

Me: The Ogre is dead.
Player: I loot him!
Me: Well, as described, it´s an Ogre, so a giant labs of muscle, a club and a loin-cloth, nothing much to loot here.
Player: Ok, then I search the loin-cloth. Something valuable must be hidden here!
Me: You find out that male Ogre reproductive organs don´t differ that much from your ones, except in size and maybe personal hygiene. No, let me scratch that as your barbarian didn't take a bath in two weeks. So basically you loot.... (Description of stinking Ogre testicles - and they´re way bigger than a humans).
Player: Cheater! Railroader! (Don´t ask)

(Good old days when we each had a bottle of Four Roses...)

[Guizonde]

(Good old days when we each had a bottle of Four Roses...)

i'm playing a game where we're all devotees of cayden caillean. each time our characters drink, so do we. believe me, there's a reason our monk keeps getting hit in the nether regions. drunk roleplay is the silliest roleplay.

also, from our group convo sent a few minutes ago:

dm: ok, anyone bringing anything?
eva: can i pop the champagne bottle we saved for a rainy day?
grim: only if josé gets hit in the wang and the monk gets hit on by everything in that session.
monk: ... i'll take the nutshots, please.

[Samwich]

Soond:"We've been bamboozled! The babies are a lie!"
Shoot:"Kill everything!"

Shoot:"Of all the nobles I could have stolen the identity of, I had to pick the one with the creepy horse fetish."

Soond:"Screw it, no guts no glory! I tackle him and break his neck!"

Archmage:"I'm sorry, but I cannot tell you anything. They'll kill me if I talk!"
Soond:snaps fingers. "Hear that? That's the sound the slaad's neck made when I broke it with my bare hands. Now talk!"

[Grim Portent]

Lizardfolk PC: Is hug time?
Barbarian PC: No, it's not hug time.

OOC: So [lizardfolk] is basically a Disney princess who befriends all the small woodland critters, I imagine him out ahead of the group in a blue dress twirling around with birds and squirrels and singing like an aligator with a throat problem.

Lizardfolk to elven palace guards while holding a dead body: Oh no, this elf seems to have died.

Necromancer NPC: You were supposed to be Senpai! But now I see you're not Senpai! You're not Senpai!
Changeling: Get me out of here. Get me out of here. I want to get out.

OOC: Focus on the bugs, the drow aren't dangerous.

Lizardfolk: We should have used [changeling] as bait again.
Changeling: Oh yeah, why didn't we do that?

[Guizonde]

josé: dude, i'm already elbow-deep in her thorax! you'd better believe i'm gonna fist-f**k her back to life!
korinn snickering, ooc: only you can say that with a straight face.
grim: covered in puke, no less!
dm: this was meant to be a flavor dialog, not an encounter!

[Gallade]

"So...one of your lovers killed all the others because he turned evil, and your bodyguard reminds you of one of them? While you keep charming men and women left and right?"
"Love is strange like that. By the way, keep quiet and you can watch. Bring snacks and you can join."

[DigoDragon]

Nick: *unwraps a large pepperoni stick*
Mel: "I'm looking at your stick of meat and was reminded of a Space Ghost skit."
Digo: "How dare you look at another man's meat!"

GM: "It's a roughly humanoid toad with a wide mouth, ridges down its back, and black robes. It begins to cast a spell."
Digo: "Ah, a chicken slaad sand witch."

Chris: "Hobbs, sick 'em!"
Hobbs: "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

Nick: "I cast Protection from Mother Lover."
GM: "Pfft, his mother never loved you."

Digo: "Will, your paycheck is within earning range!"
Nick: "I think William's check is about to take a deduction."

Calvin: "Dad, I hit a demon so hard it dropped its sack!"

Nick: "The linens got changed, and not just from room to room."

Nick: *points to a box of Hohos* "Hey ladies! I got platinum!"

Digo: "I've never seen a man spend 30 gold to pamper their--"
GM: "DONKEY."

Calvin: "Dad, hit me with a lightning bolt."
Chris: *Casts lightning bolt*
Calvin: *absorbs the lightning using his cloak*
Digo: (from the kitchen) "Chris, are you throwing lightning bolts in the living room?"
Chris: "Only a couple, Deeg!"

GM: "Isn't Genesis the planet that gave us our magnetic field?"
Chris: "No, Genesis is the planet created in Star Trek II."
Mel: "No, it's the band with Phil Collins."

GM: "By the way, the demon the party fought? It crit-failed and did more damage to itself than the party did."
Digo: "Which explains why we gave it the MVP Play of the Game."

Digo: "We can check the local job board for work."
Mel: "Or go to the empire and check the board there."
Nick: "I'll continue dating the mayor's administrative staff."
Digo: "Why...?"
Nick: "Research purposes."

GM: "It's a guy... named... Astericks..."
Mel: "Asterisks the Colon?"

[Guizonde]

dm: sooooo, the mook that fragged the monk does a flourish trying to intimidate the bard, aaaand *rolls nat 1* crud. *rolls damage, crits* aaaaand kills himself in the same movement that killed the monk. the bard is flabbergasted.
bard: yes, i am!
korinn ooc: see, guys, this is why we don't split the party.
monk, dead: yeah, but you guys are mashing up cannibal corpse and doctor house. we want no part of that. let me die in peace!
bard: you mean pieces. *gets hit in the face with lacaune ham*

dm: so, josé is sitting cross-legged on a camel, wearing a djelaba, smoking a hookah and doing guard duty in the middle of the desert at night...
korinn: while there's a bedouin ninja slapping the monk with a belt. that's important.
josé: i don't know if this is racist or surrealist. probably both.
grim: i'm laying on facepalms over here, if you need me.

[IZ42]

Player 1: (quietly) How about we stick the vampire heads in a T-shirt shooter?
Player 2: You get a vampire head! And you get a vampire head!

[Coventry]

Spoiler: Response!

Show

I like the thread title.

Me, too. But seventeen pages have come and gone in the time since I suggested it and the time I had something to contribute! Sigh.

NPC:: The King wants this handled with subtlety and tact
Marvin: Then then why is he sending us?!?
(in unison) Mila and Symeon: Yeah!?

Mila: What's wrong, Lassie? Did Timmy fall down a well?

NPC: (rolls a 30+ bluff check)
Symeon: (sets down d20 without looking) Can't touch that
(in unison) Mila and Arksbane: Doooo doo do doop, dadoop, dadoop!

Old Silver Dragon NPC: (crying over empty hoard) I have nothing left. She took everything...
Mila: I had nothing to do with that!

GM: The next morning, the dignitaries are looking and feeling much better
Mila: I might have had something to do with that...

[Guizonde]

*josé: i requisition the curtains.
dm: why?
josé: i'm butt-naked and i don't want to go out in the street belting out orders with my half-drowmanhood hanging out.
korinn: at least he reimburses his requisitions...
eva: eww... elven wang sweat!!
dm: so... josé walks out in the street wearing an improvised toga...
monk: AGAIN!!

[Gallade]

Tiefling: "Yay, we leveled up."
Cleric: "Wait, you've been dead for most of the time, how did you level up?"
Tiefling: "I know a HELL of a good personal trainer."
"..."
"From hell."
"..."
"In hell."

[Guizonde]

josé: so, why don't we make her puke out the curse?
korinn: well, that's gonna get messy...
eva: how?
monk: gut-punches?
grim: orc food?
josé: i could always feed her 6 to 12 castings of "create booze".
dm: *stunned expression* you guys are gonna make me puke!!

dm: josé, reflex save?
josé: meh, only 29.
dm: good, you don't get any puke in your mouth. everywhere else, on the other hand...
josé: *sigh* let it happen and think of riddle-port...
korinn: you've got the smell of the place already!

grim: dude, you look tired.
josé: to be fair, i haven't slept in 32 years.
dm: holy crap, no wonder people hate half-elves. imagine a baby that. never. sleeps. ever.
josé: damn, now even i hate me!
grim: at least you're not green and full of teeth.
korinn: or weighing 400 lbs butt-naked! no wonder you sink in puddles!
grim: ... can it, lunchmeat. that only happens near water.
monk: so, 7 times per session?

[Mutazoia]

Sphinx: HALT! Who dares trespass on my land?
Bard: Giacomo, Freta, Bjorn and Sir Humphrey. You have two questions left.
Sphinx: ... Uh.... what walks on four legs-
Bard: Man.
Sphinx: You've heard this before?
Bard: Yes. That's three, we win.
Sphinx: WAIT! You must now ask ME three questions-
Bard: Given our current equipment and capabilities, what is the quickest and easiest way for us to kill you?
Sphinx:...........................................No idea. You win...BYE! [Flies off]
Bard: Sometimes it's so easy, I'm ashamed of myself....