Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VI: Good. Bad. I'm the one with the pun.

[TheYell]

DM: A name under consideration is "Children of Westcrown". What name do you guys suggest?
Zim: I say we go with the pimp and be "G-Unit"!
DM: ...


Zim: We can be "The Fist of the People"!
DM: You're not importing any communist lingo here!
Zim: I'm a Milanite rebel with a INT score of 14, so I'm going Red, comrade!


Sir Richard: Can we get an iron helmet?
Zim: As a devotee of Milani, I'm wearing a wreath of roses on my head.
Sir Richard: Roses won't stop you from getting a concussion.
Zim: My god will provide! Speaking of which, don't worry guys, because Milani teaches those who die valiantly will be reincarnated.
Sir Richard: Swell.

[Tiadoppler]

Wizard: I've never seen an invisible Drow do that before. Huh. I've never seen a Drow before.
Monk: ... Haven't yet either.


Paladin: Everyone wake up! The horses are loose!
Fighter: They're just standing around until we need them to go somewhere.
Paladin: Everyone wake up! The horses are unrealistic!


Monk: And if we run the two main lines down through the walls from the roof tank, we can build 2 bathrooms per line on each floor. This is pretty efficient because we won't have a lot of branch lines to deal with: each pair of bathrooms will be back to back, with the water and sewage lines in the wall between them. Similarly, the paired sewer lines will start on the top floor, reconnect under the ground floor, and drain down into the sewers. The water reservoir would have to be filled with a wind-driven pump, and would likely be unable to keep up with peak demands, but given the high standards of metalworking available to our party, we should be able to cobble something together fairly cheaply.
Fighter: Was that in character?
Monk: Oooooh. I mean "(Monk) has bath plans." (Monk) nods mysteriously and fades into the background.


Warlock: Umm. You can't plant grass on the floor of a bedroom.
Wizard: (Wizard)'s never had a bedroom before, and he's not entirely sure how buildings work.
Paladin: Ahhhh! That's so sad! (Paladin) hugs (Wizard) and says "We're going to build you a big bedroom, and you can plant all the grass you want."
Wizard: (Wizard) attempts to return the hug, but it's only marginally successful. Hugs are another unfamiliar concept.


Paladin: Are you going to attack again? What are your intentions?
DM: The hulking orc replies "Nah, we got what we came for. Cheers!"
Paladin: Aren't you, you know, angry at us?
DM: "One sec, lemme count." The orc starts counting on his fingers. "Nope, we're okay. None of my brothers are badly hurt. Good fight! We'll do it again sometime."
Paladin: Wait, we didn't kill any of them?
DM: Nope. The orcs leave the way they came. By the way, the two big ones are carrying (Wizard) over their shoulders.
Paladin: Oh. I'm going to have to do something about that. In a few minutes. Once I'm not stunned any more. And get some healing.


DM: (Monk) and (Paladin), you're hiding from each other on the opposite sides of the same tree, completely unaware of each other's presence. (Warlock)'s just standing there looking back and forth between you two.
Paladin: The only thing lower than our stealth is our perception.
Monk: Self-esteem?


DM: You know, you have other spells.
Warlock: This is the best one for this situation.
Paladin: You always say that!
Warlock: (Wizard) has a favorite spell too.
Wizard: Mine isn't Expeditious Retreat.
Fighter: Shield isn't that much better.

[LordCdrMilitant]

Rogue Trader

Darathomas [Techpriest]: You just walked in on our Daemon fight.

Arabella [Rogue Trader, Me]: I nominate my Arch Militant as my champion. Also, there's no way the fight's going to be fair, make sure us and our armsmen are ready.
[GM]: Do you say that because you don't think the aliens will fight honorably, or because you don't intend to?
Arabella: Both.

Arabella: I don't care if you hit me! Fire full auto! Kill it kill it kill it dead!
... [after nobody hits the Daemonhost grappling me and instead shoot me 4 times] ...
Arabella: Why are you so bad at this?!

Arabella [OOC]: Huh, I guess Echo did win fair and square. Not that there's anyone relevant alive or conscious to witness it.

Arabella: I command the medical staff to operate on me better.

[Guizonde]

Rogue Trader

Darathomas [Techpriest]: You just walked in on our Daemon fight.

Arabella [Rogue Trader, Me]: I nominate my Arch Militant as my champion. Also, there's no way the fight's going to be fair, make sure us and our armsmen are ready.
[GM]: Do you say that because you don't think the aliens will fight honorably, or because you don't intend to?
Arabella: Both.

Arabella: I don't care if you hit me! Fire full auto! Kill it kill it kill it dead!
... [after nobody hits the Daemonhost grappling me and instead shoot me 4 times] ...
Arabella: Why are you so bad at this?!

Arabella [OOC]: Huh, I guess Echo did win fair and square. Not that there's anyone relevant alive or conscious to witness it.

Arabella: I command the medical staff to operate on me better.

i sympathize so much with your quotes. our party's rogue trader is getting grey hair due to us bungling the simplest things and acing the most complex stuff. must be really aggravating when you're in a trader's role.

[DigoDragon]

GM: “Well, the solution to this, naturally, is to disable her horn, such as kicking it off.”
Doc: “No, don't kick it off. Your ears won't last against the resulting scream when Choro realizes she's been temporarily demoted to earth pony.”

Viridia: “Choro, I heard there are, like, ten cakes in the server room. You can have mine, no problem, but we should get there before the Enclave takes them in all their delicious spongey goodness.”

Choro: “Well..... Erm. 100 dots, and 60-70 hostiles. That's.... IDEK.”
Doc: “Yeah, you go and have fun with that. Meet you back at the bus.” *preps Molotov*

Doc: “I hope they at least paid you extra for all that work.”
Stellar: “Nope. My circus, my monkeys.”

Choro: “AAAND THE LINK TO THE NICE-TIMES IS BROKEN!”
Doc: “You're fooling yourself if you think this factory ever had nice times.”

GM: “Thanatos, after a few moments, blinked. He then shook his head, and produced a small steel flask from a pocket, which he then began to drain the contents of.”

Viridia: “Yeah, give the evil food ponies all the records of Evil Food Pony Inc. No way that could go wrong.”

Vaughn: “THIS UNIT CAN CARRY UP TO THREE THOUSAND POUNDS.”
Moon: “Thanks. Not really relevant, but good to know.”
Choro: “If the server room is a floor up, wouldn't Vaughn's lifting ability help those of us without wings or motivators get up there?
Doc: “Things only non-pegasi think about.”

Moon: “According to everypony I've met here, everypony else is jerks. Not that they're entirely wrong though.”

GM: “Doc's at least tolerable to be around; he's pre-whipped for Mirror Armor, at least.”
Doc: “I don't think you know what whipped means.”
Viridia: “It's how you prepare cream.”
Doc: “Well, I suppose if it's medical cream.”
Viridia: “Whipped medical cream?”
Choro: “Eww! Eww! Whipped... eww!” *runs for brain bleach*

[Necroticplague]

"Sometimes, I do stupid things with a time machine. Sometimes, I do profitable things with it. And then there's when I do things that are both. Sorry about that whole WW1 thing, I really, really did not predict how much things could be extended."

[Shulk]

"Come on xcom rng, you still owe me more than a few favors!" *Nat 20*

?""Oh crap, what do we do, what do we do?"
Cleric: "I'm going to try to trick them"
Me: "You have a -1 to charisma!"
Cleric: "Well, It's our only chance, that Or I become a cleric of tiamat"
Me:"Alright..."
me: ooc " XCOM, YOU STILL OWE ME FAVORS!"
*Cleric crits*

Me: "They never suspected a thing."


Me: "I cast fist as a cantrip"

Me: "YOU KNOW NOTHING OF JAVERT, I WAS BORN INSIDE A JAIL, I HAVE SEEN THE HORRORS OF RNG LIKE YOU, I AM OWED FAVOURS BY XCOM 2."


ooc Me: "I walk over there, in range to cast, and cast magic missile on the zombie"
ooc Paladin: "I throw my hammer at *different enemy*" *nat 1's*
DM: "You slip up while throwing your hammer..." *rolls dice*
DM: "and it hits the wizard (Me)."
ooc Me: OH NO..."
DM: *rolls dice, nat crit for the misfire*
ooc Me: "OH NO OH NO OH ****."
Dm: *rolls blunt damage* "That would be (Enough damage to down me) damage"
Me:

Spoiler: My reaction

Show

ooc Me: "Wait, I'm still alive! I'M STILL ALIVE! I'M BLOODIED BUT I'M ALIVE!"
ooc paladin: "Doesn't my hammer also do fire damage?"
Dm: *rolls fire damage* "That would be (enough to finally kill me) Damage"
ooc Me:

Spoiler: Another reaction

Show

everyone else is either laughing or panicing.
I just stop responding for the rest of the session, after briefly becoming joseph joestar.

[SleepyShadow]

"Mr. Vampire, can you give us a minute? Our cleric is having an existential crisis."

[LordCdrMilitant]

i sympathize so much with your quotes. our party's rogue trader is getting grey hair due to us bungling the simplest things and acing the most complex stuff. must be really aggravating when you're in a trader's role.

Since I have something before, and therefore always arrive late to session, I usually get a good surprise with whatever happened in the first hour of session. It's not particularly frustrating though, because when things go bad; I was usually also part of it. Also, we're pretty competent; at the very least, you should see the DH/DW party that I run for!

Another few lines:

Arabella: Echo, you're going to be our champion. Without knowing what they have in store, what do you say your odds are?
Echo [Arch Militant]: 100%
Arabella: Why does that make me feel less confident?

Arabella: ...and I'll shoot the big guy.
[GM]: Are you killing him because he's hanging out with the daemonhosts, or because he's got a big mouth?
Everyone together: Both.
Arabella: Yeah, I guess I should also shoot one of the daemonhosts.

Arabella: Frag grenades, down the hole!
[GM]: Armsmen toss grenades down the hole, then shoot their flamers in. The screaming stops.
Darathomas: That's generally a good sign.

[HalfTangible]

ooc Me: "I walk over there, in range to cast, and cast magic missile on the zombie"
ooc Paladin: "I throw my hammer at *different enemy*" *nat crits*
DM: "You slip up while throwing your hammer..." *rolls dice*
DM: "and it hits the wizard (Me)."
ooc Me: OH NO..."
DM: *rolls dice, nat crit for the misfire*
ooc Me: "OH NO OH NO OH ****."
Dm: *rolls blunt damage* "That would be (Enough damage to down me) damage"
Me:

Spoiler: My reaction

Show

ooc Me: "Wait, I'm still alive! I'M STILL ALIVE! I'M BLOODIED BUT I'M ALIVE!"
ooc paladin: "Doesn't my hammer also do fire damage?"
Dm: *rolls fire damage* "That would be (enough to finally kill me) Damage"
ooc Me:

Spoiler: Another reaction

Show

everyone else is either laughing or panicing.
I just stop responding for the rest of the session, after briefly becoming joseph joestar.

Ah yes, those moments when your own party screws you over...

DM: She pulls back into the cave with the demon, taunting you.
DM (Anti-Paladin): Come on, then, you brave brave boy, COME AND GET ME!
Paladin: What? No, that's obviously a trap, we're just gonna keep hitting you from range.
DM OOC: Ya sure?
Paladin OOC: *shrug* Like I said, it's obviously a trap. Lawful Good does not mean stupid, even with Paladin oaths. [Monk] can keep throwing rocks at her.
DM OOC: Eh, fair enough.
Alchemist: I walk into the cave to hit her with an acid flask.
DM: A wall of force comes down right behind you, her illusions drop, and the full health anti-paladin charges you.
Paladin: Apparently, though, chaotic neutral is!

[Guizonde]

rogue trader:

jencyo: doesn't the imperium still use battle psykers in combat anymore?!
ray: sure, but we call them bolt-magnets! they're a bit lower caliber than you!
jencyo: *bsod*

dag: i think it might be the time for your "something medicinal" again, ray...
me: *pulls out my flask of bourbon and hands it to the dm*
dag ooc: what.
dm: *takes a big slug* holy crap, it tastes like pain relief!
dag ooc: ok, so you based ray's reactions on your rampant alcoholism?
me: i prefer to call myself an amateur of medicinal beverages.

jace: uh, the necron's whistling... is that normal?
lux: roll with it.

necron: why do i feel giddy and have a spring in my step?
ray: that'd be because we're hunting greenskins.

dag: listening only to my courage, i FLEEEEEEEE!!

dm: there's an outline in bullet holes in the shape of dag running away.
ross: and i thought orks couldn't shoot!

jencyo: what the hell are you doing?
ray: stabbing an ork with my gun.
jencyo: and that helps the mission how exactly?
ray: ... mission?
dm: *blinks*
ray: *stabs the ork innocently*

ray ooc: holy crap! the captain gave you a cron-sant!!
necron ooc: i am the deadliest of pastries!

ross: ok, i'm gonna park like a boss. ray, plasma cannon salvo, please.
team: knock-knock!!

lux: their computer network is so wonky it's a wonder it's all working!
dm: your fault for debugging an ork system.

dm: the helljumpers open fire and *rolls* eeeeewwww....
dag: does this mean my mop reserved for jencyo's misfires is gonna be useful?
dm: the battleground looks like a 4 seasons pizza.
necron: mmmmmmh, tastes like murder.

jace: i'm gonna go cook mushrooms. *preps flamer*
ray: cool! smells like breakfast!
dm: it's times like these i'm glad that you guys are just playing sociopaths.
lux ooc: aw, cannibalism never hurt anyone!
dm: *blinks*

ray: i knew that goddamn ork was purple!

ross: ok, i'm leaving the shooting to ray now.
lux: then come help me while the meatbags show off their testosterone!
ross: i am a meatbag and i have testosterone too!
lux: that can be arranged.

necron: i get back to the croissant as fast as possible!
ray: *picks up ross and runs off* me fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirst!
ross: i can walk!
ray: i'm faster and i need you to fly me to more victims!
necron: that's cheating!

dag: ok, it's true, legolas and gimli are in the team.
necron: can i be legolas? *destroys 5 orks in close combat*
ray: *shoots and collapses a barricade*
necron: that still counts as one!
lux: oh, the irony.

pf: cayden caillean's finest brew crew stew.

josé: i lambast the owlbear!
korinn: this won't end well.

dm: so, korinn meets up with you. josé is notably lacking pants and his signature sunglasses.
grimm: do i want to know?
korinn: it started with him chewing out an owlbear and it went downhill from there.
josé: i thought i was immune to embarrassment. guess not.

to be updated later. that session went downhill pretty fast.

[DeTess]

"I've figured out how to get paid twice. Now let's see if I can make that three times."

[PhoenixPhyre]

Just now, via group text:

P1: We playing tomorrow?
P2: I'm down.
DM (me): I'm ready to kill you all :)
P3: Did u get that NSA?
DM: NSA?
P3: Or homeland security...
DM: Ah I get it now <evil laugh>
P2: I took a screenshot of the notification lol

Spoiler: Context

Show

It's the final session of a year+ long campaign. They know that my dice like them more than they like me...I can't roll attacks for crap against them. I expect to get thoroughly mocked for that comment as they tear apart my encounters like wet paper tissue <weeps inside>

[DigoDragon]

Chris: "May I ask for a request?"
Digo: "Um... yes?"

Freya: "Three-person teats?"
Digo: "I should turn off my auto-correct."
Freya: "You wrote this. In pencil."

GM: "Did everyone level?"
Chris: "I'm very level."
Nick: "Your bubble is off."
Chris: "What bubble? I'm plumb."

Chris: "I'm gonna need a sit down and a blank wall."

GM: "You feel that warm indebtedness settle in your soul."
Nick: "Oh, is it tax time already?"

Nick: "See, my amnesia highway is 4-lanes wide. Chris here is trying to hitchhike while holding up a sign with a huge question mark on it."
Chris: "The sign I can believe, but why am I in the basket?"

Minotaur: "So how did you get saddled with a job for the emperor?"
Nick: "We were the slowest."

Mel: *burp*
Chris: "We'll take the eloquent-speaking one."
Armond: "I only speak in farts."
Nick: "Which dialect? Northern flatulence or Southern flatulence?"

[bc56]

Me (DM): I'm going to let you succeed the arcana check because of that pun.

[Tiadoppler]

Warlock: I'm starting to see the bad side of becoming evil.


Paladin: You're half-horse, half-human and half-assed.
Warlock: You're half of a man, and half a horse. Just pick one!
Barbarian: Even (Barbarian) got less legs and more smart!


Wizard: Old orcs are awesome.


Sorcerer: I'll help the orcs try to rebuild the homes and walls you destroyed.
Warlock: Wait, but I didn't-
Wizard: It was awful. He fireballed them over and over.
Warlock: I didn't!
Paladin: ... Do you remember casting Fireball? Twice?
Warlock: Oh right. I remember that now. Yeah, I did that.


Paladin: I'll kneel down and try to stealthily look inside under the flap. I'll block the light from outside with my body so that there isn't a sudden burst of sunlight in the tent.
DM: You kneel down and start to raise the cloth. You can see the inside of the tent. The orcs look surprised at the light coming from under the edge of the tent.
Paladin: I'm blocking the light with my whole body, and just peeking through!
Monk: ... Invisible.
Paladin: Huh? Ohhhh.
DM: You're blocking the light with your see-through body?
Paladin: I'm going to act like the wind blowing through the tent making the cloth flap. Woooooosh! Wooooooosh! I'm just a breeeeeze! I wiggle the tent.


Monk: All right, I make eye contact with (Paladin).
Paladin: I don't notice for a second, but then I see you trying to get my attention.
Monk: I hold eye contact with her for a while to make sure she's really noticing me.
Paladin: Yes, what is it?
Monk: I roll my eyes. Emphatically.
Paladin: I'm sorry! Okay?


Paladin: What screams?


Warlock: If a Drow/Spider multiclass is a Drider, shouldn't a Human/Horse multiclass be a Humorse?
Wizard: It's pronounced "humorous" and you don't know what multiclass means.
Warlock: It's when you combine the mechanical features of very different things for a specific metagame advantage.
DM: Huh.


Paladin: How did you learn to read and write?
Monk: (Monk) shrugs.
Wizard: I've asked her about it. Apparently it was a side effect of whatever Awakened her. It's very confusing. Sometimes she knows what words mean even though she's never seen or heard them before. It's confusing to realize suddenly that some piece of information was installed into your brain and just waited for you to think about it.
Sorcerer: Yeah, direct mental reformatting gets pretty creepy when you think too hard about it. If your knowledge is something that can be put into you, and taken out just as easily, can you ever trust yourself? Are you the same person you were before you had your mind changed? Isn't mind control just the murder of one personality and the birth of a new one?
Monk: (Monk) skips existential horror, mostly. Eats bacon. Is better.
Sorcerer: That's not a healthy coping process!!


Monk: (Monk) eats bacon and kicks things... (shrugs) Out of bacon.

[DigoDragon]

GM: “You cannot fast travel when enemies are nearby.”
Doc: “Hey, this wouldn't be an issue if others hadn't stopped me.”

Doc: “Anything we should be aware of in there, Moonshadow?”
Moon: “Expect flamethrowers, machine guns, neural-toxins, and questionable logic. Not that any of that was there before, but that was before we killed the server's one rival to ruling this place.”
Stellar: “I really hope there are no more flamethrowers.”

Moon: “...We could repopulate it ourselves.”
Strata: *wiggles her eyebrows at Thanatos*
Thanatos: *looks away, feeling ill*

Doc: “What does god need with a pipbuck?”

Doc: “I'm not entirely against putting this AI in a machine body, but I refer others to watch the independent film Moon on the reason why making a copy of you to keep working is a bad idea.”
Stellar: “See also Thomas Riker, Rupert Angier, and Mister Meeseeks.”

Choro: “So, making a morally questionable decision in the name of safety against potential future threats?”
Doc: “Hey, I refrained from using the word fire this time!”

GM: “To be fair, intelligence is a crapshoot in pony-land and a wasp could still probably do a choreographed dance number here.”
Moon: “That only raises the standard in Moonshadow's mind.”

Viridia: “And here I thought I was the morally ambiguous one.”
Choro: “Compared to who?”
Doc: “[Choro], did you not just suggest feeding corpses to the slime monster as a valid alternative plan?”

[TheYell]

DM: OK, he is suspicious because he saw you draw your bow.
Rogue: I drew it between my legs, under cover of the overturned cart.
DM:....No.

Rogue: Is he yelling "Get some!" while he fires the ballistae?
DM: No, it takes two turns to load and fire a ballistae each shot.
Rogue: Yeah, but is he spending two turns hollering "Get some! Get some yeah!"

Rogue: Does the horse yell while we shoot it?
Druid: Why meee, Willburrr? Why meeee?

Rogue: I stare the cleric in the eyes while I slit the throat of the guard.
Druid: Oh jeez!
DM: And he...makes his fort save, so you just do damage.
Rogue: That's what I get for showing off.

Rogue: OK now focusing on what I'm doing, I slit his throat with my sickle. Grrk! Ssshk! Sllshkk!
Arcanist: Thanks for the sound effects.

Druid: Is it evil to eat horseflesh?
DM: It's evil to eat sentient creatures.
Rogue: It's evil to eat LIVE horseflesh.

DM: Ooh, a 1. You snap your tools.
Rogue: Spend a luck point.
DM: OK, try again. Ohh, so close.
Rogue: Take 10.
DM: You spend 10 minutes. Try again.
Rogue: Gimme a few minutes guys!
DM: While he's doing that you search the cleric. You find a set of plate armor, a heavy mace, an unholy symbol of Asmodeus, and...a key to the carriage lock!
Rogue: ZOOOMPAHZOOOMPAHZOOMPAHZOOOMPAHzoommpah...zooompah ....zoompah...aw nuts.

DM: You see a half-elf beaten to within an inch of his life.
Rogue: Is your name Azrael? Cause if it isn't, we're not helping.

[TheTeaMustFlow]

Kova: Yeah, the John Smith identity is definitely burned. I think I'm... Johann Schmidt now.
GM: Subtle.
Kova: Hey, I've cycled the name through three different languages already, and you never noticed. Give me some credit.

[Ulysses]

"He died of lead poisoning."

[DigoDragon]

GM: “Make Shade's spooky church collapse and move on to better thighs.”
Doc: “Better thighs?”
Viridia: “GM’s been checking out that Chun Li fan art.”

Vaughn: “THIS UNIT IS DESIGNED FOR USE IN HOSTILE ENVIRONMENTS IN WHICH PONIES ARE NOT EXPECTED TO SURVIVE IN.”
Doc: “Well, pirate attacks count as hostile environments, right?

Choro: “If 'mass murder' was the opening act, whatever comes next can't be pleasant. Or good for the Tauronto Metropolitan Area. I feel this is something that needs investigating.”
Strata: “First sane thing you've said since we've been on here, Choro.”
Choro: *face twists at that, forming a strange wavy shape*

Dead Body: (as it’s being dragged up stairs) “Thud. Thud. Thud. Thud. Splat. Thud. Thud. Thud. Splat.”
Moon: “Right... here's.... your.... new... ride... Moonshadow... Inc.... is... not... responsible... for... any... damages... occurred... during... transit!”

Viridia: “Let me know how they handle a plywood gate and a gang of pre-teens holding back Super Mutants.”
GM: “Look, there's a perfectly good explanation for Little Lamplight; it's where Nightkin dump babies from raided caravans so they can grow up into better meals in a few years. At least, that's what I assumed.”
Viridia: “There are no Nightkin on the East Coast.”
GM: “They're really good at hiding. Really good.”

Viridia: “Just tell me what I need to seduce all the hot lady mechs.”

GM: “...Can we go back to talking about Chun Li?”

[Shulk]

Me: "Well, Bad news, I lost a party member, Good news, My character is indeed what you'd get if you combine H.G Wells and Guts from berserk"

[Guizonde]

GM: “...Can we go back to talking about Chun Li?”

speaking of which, i had a similar feeling last session...

starkeep captain: ... you got cursed by druids didn't you?
josé: yup...
starkeep captain: drink this. i'm used to "negociating" with the tree-huggers.
josé:*quaffs the potion*
dm: it tastes like regret.
josé: didn't know i still had those. friggin' druids!
starkeep captain: *pulls out a bottle and pours two glasses* friggin' druids! and please put your pants back on.

grimm: i know! let's throw josé at the druids!
dm: "friggin' druids". "let's throw josé at the friggin' druids!"
korinn: can't he spend one session without getting undressed?!

dm: the cultists are only wearing loin cloths.
eva: am i in a druid cult?
dm: nope, cult of bahamut.
josé: friggin' dru... dragons!

monk: can i knock out my opponent with a pelvic thrust?
eva: are you wearing pants at least?!
monk: i'm not josé! i only wear pants!
dm: might explain why you hit negative hp so often.

grimm: josé! you've had three souls since when?!
josé: can we go back to cursing druids? and wearing pants?
dm: nope.
josé: friggin' paladins...

[SleepyShadow]

"Has anybody seen my face?"

[DigoDragon]

Viridia: “Remember when this wasn't the case and y'all wanted to hold a trial for Snowflake?”
Choro: “And now we've entered the land where Doc shoots unconscious ponies in the head so they don't cause trouble in the future.”
Doc: “100% success rate so far.”

Moon: “As for Abbaas, well two different groups tried to assassinate him. On the same day. And one group was hired by his sister. Anyone getting that much heat is up to something shady. “
Doc: “Considering how many factions here are evil, it could also be that Abbaas is genuinely a nice horse and Tauronto can't have that.”
Moon: “From what I remember, his plan to end slavery was pretty damn stupid.”
Doc: “I hinted at good, not smart. He does want his useless sister back alive for whatever reason.”

Choro: “Choro remains Schrodinger-Sexual: her sexuality is in an indeterminate state until it potentially becomes relevant to stuff.”

Viridia: “Tell Little Green that he sucks.”
Choro: “I... don't think Choro's quite ready for that level of intimacy.”
Viridia: “You don't have to be close to somebody to insult them, you nerfherder!”
Choro: “Not... where I was going with that. Guess I'll leave the dirty jokes to you. Never been my forte.”
Viridia: “Are you implying my jokes are slutty?”
Doc: “Probably more that Choro’s Innuendo is closer to Innuendon't.”

Moon: “And they all refused to help.”
Doc: “Pfft. If Doc and Moonshadow switched errands, I'm sure Moony would secure the biotech files with a flamethrower.”

Choro: “In nomine Celestis et Lueni et Cadenza, futue te ipsi et mori in igni!”
Doc: “Well ponyfeathers. Choro's speaking in fancy. Anyone know how to reboot a unicorn?”

Choro: “Mmm. I wonder what language Choro's speaking. The Latin made sense to me for historic swearing, but IDK if it'd be Old Ponish or Roaman.”
Stellar: “Clearly Choro is swearing in High Gothic.”

[Guizonde]

necron: ok, taking bets. left hand.
dag: left leg!
ross: uh, left leg too.
jace: what are you betting on?
lux: which limb you'll lose next.

dm: the ork dope-slaps ray.
ray: *roars, kills 5 orks in retaliation*
lux: woah, ray really doesn't like being hit by orks!
dm: just wait until he gets the idea to get a power bayonet.
dag: i'm thinking he'll be keener on a power-boot.
lux: *takes notes*

necron: uh, i'll just be useless over here, don't mind me.

jace: right in the family jewels!!
dag: welp, we lost the bet...

ross: i can't dodge, right?
dm: not unconscious, no...
ross: *sigh* i'll spend my turn bleeding to death, then.
dm: oh, you broke 5 ribs, too.
necron: details, details...
lux: you don't really need them anyway, meatbag.

necron: i charge the ork to bite him.
dm: 0.o
lux: that mind-swap is taking its toll again...
ray: *giggles*

dm: ray, what do you do?
ray: *warcry* *mimes stabbing*
dag: do you think we could just give him a power halberd without him seeing the difference?

jace: that bayonet you drew looks like a baguette.
dm: *poker face* the beret is a camouflaged camembert.
lux: the gas mask is a bottle of wine?
dag: the frenchiest stormtrooper ever.
ray: *pencil moustache intensifies*

necron: i want to wear that ork as a hat.

ray: me fiiiiiiiiiiirst!
necron: *sigh* i want a speed boost! ray's cheating!
ross: freaks.

dm: the score is violence to war crimes, in favor of ray.
jace: wow, they're either really good or really scary!
necron: he's a better shot than me, he doesn't leave any for me to stab with my scythe.
lux: want a bayonet on that thing?
ray: *grins*

lux: don't shoot! i'm in close quarters!
ray: *5 degrees of success on a burst*
lux: why did i doubt your shooting skills again?

jace: oh ye of little faith!
dm: you're coughing up your manhood! you can't speak!

necron: i charge the big mek. i want to shove his mushroom butt into its own throat. *drops heavy bolter*
*blong*
ray: well, hello mister "next turn salvo"!
dm: that sound effect is gonna become a running gag, isn't it?

[LordCdrMilitant]

lux: don't shoot! i'm in close quarters!
ray: *5 degrees of success on a burst*
lux: why did i doubt your shooting skills again?

Hahaha... that hurts. It makes my ally-inflicted bolt-wound act up.

Arabella [Rogue Trader]: What's with this probe?
Godrick [Seneschal]: You mean the probe that you don't know about because you're on the opposite side of the medical bay?
Arabella: Ah, that kind of probe.

Godrick: We need to find a way to stabilize it, otherwise it will die in shipping.
Corvin [Navigator]: How about sodium? It'll bond to the nitrogen to make Sodium Nitrate, which it's xeno-kidneys will filter out. We can filter out the NaNO3 as sell it as well.
Arabella: We're going to make them pee saltpeter, and sell that too?

Arabella: I guess it's okay if we lock them up in captive breeding populations we can keep selling.
Corvin: It'll be fine, as long as nobody starts thinking of them as people.

Arabella: This is Aquila Lander 001 from RTV Magna Justiciar, ordering you to stand down and cease firing.
Crazy Eddie [NPC]: *southern accent* Are ya that flyers?
Arabella: *composed* Yes, and we're friendly, from the Imperium, stop shooting at us.
Crazy Eddie: It ain't natural, I tell ya. Yer breakin' tha law of gravity!
Arabella: *slightly exasperated* My enginseers inform me that my shuttle does not in fact violate any laws of physics, adhering to the principles of incompressible fluid flow and thermodynamics.
Crazy Eddie: And it goes too fast for somethin' that ain't got wheels!
Arabella: *annoyed* Cease firing, in His name! Whether or not you think our flyer is natural, we come from the Imperium, in peace!
Crazy Eddie: Only when yer too low for me to shoot no more!

Arabella: Sensor stations, find me a new landing zone more than a scale equivalent of 48" away from Crazy Eddie.
Darathomas [Techpriest]: Why do we even want to land on this hellhole volcano-planet?
Arabella: The plan now is to get out, take some pictures, then get back in and leave. That way, we can officially register our claim to this world as it's discoverers, and once someone else happens along to pacify the hicks and foots the bill to make it not a volcanic hellhole way-too-close-to-the-sun-for-safety, we'll invoke our legal rights to the planet and seize it.
Corvin: We're going to do to them what they tried to do to us.
Arabella: Yes, but we're going to keep better track of our paperwork and keep it signed in triplicate in multiple different independent locations, one of which is on our ship, so we don't have to go down into an ancient library to dig up the forms where they can ambush us.

[Telonius]

Cassandra: You're looking for a horse with a black eye.

DM: Your stag beetle runs away.

Cassandra: Well, we do have some good news about the angel Avacyn.
Townsfolk: What news do you have?
Markimoo: She approves of our brewery.

[Morvram]

"You can spit on me, you can kill my friends, but spitting on my cat is another thing altogether." -One of the players in the first one-off game I ran. Shortly before committing cannibalism.

[DigoDragon]

Nick: "Now that I organized my character sheets, I found a ton of crap I don't need."
Digo: "Found yourself on an episode of Hoarders, did you?"
Nick: "I have that giant +2 Sextant I never used."
Digo & Chris: *giggling*
Mel: "Out of the gutter, you two!"
Chris: "No, it's slimy down here."

Mel: "Oh. There it is, my Cape of Wisdom. I do have it."
Digo: "Our bard raised her Wisdom to 20 with an item she failed to notice on herself."

Bartender: "How about you pay me 10 platinum a month?"
Mel: "A 5-month payment plan for membership?"
Digo: "Still a better deal than Disney World tickets."

Chris: "I'm in my Pre-Colombian state."
Digo: "Pre-Colombian?"
GM: "He needs coffee."

Digo: "I've never seen suicide-by-cop-by-proxy before."

Nick: "He was given an invitation to join up, with a contract written on human skin."
Chris: "And I said no."
Digo: "Good choice."

Digo: "Are you looking up a drilling company?"
Nick: "Yeah, I'm fracking Drow."

Digo: "You still have cookie dough in here."
Mel: "Because you keep buying premade cookies!"
Digo: "Leave me a note to stop buying cookies."
Chris: "Write it in comic sans."
Digo: "Well that's just evil."

Chris: "There's no place like home... there's no place like home... this is NO place like home!"

Phil: "Can't talk, burning in Hell."

Chris: "Wait, when was the last time the moon had a smell?"