Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VI: Good. Bad. I'm the one with the pun.

[DapperReaper]

DM:"you hear padded footsteps"
P1:"oh no, its gimp trolls"
P2:"what"
P1:"they got bags on their feet"
P2 & P3: *barely contained laughter*
DM:"P1, has your character seen some ****?"
P1:"I don't know, we all have amnesia, remember"

[Coventry]

Spoiler: Response

Show

me, right now "I just realized I went through that ENTIRE session without getting hit once."

Taunting fate and the Random Number gods? Now you've done it.

[Calthropstu]

Spoiler: Response

Show

Taunting fate and the Random Number gods? Now you've done it.

Heh, I once dared a pfs gm to try to kill my character. It was a 12th level scenario involving demons. My character was 11th playing up.

The closest he came was targetting me for baleful polymorph, which I saved.

[Necroticplague]

"HEY!That is a horribly innacurate view of this unit! They're not bloodthirsty psychopaths, they're bloodthirsty sociopaths. Much better at following orders without questions."

[Shulk]

Spoiler: Response

Show

Taunting fate and the Random Number gods? Now you've done it.

Its more of the fact that I Am a cleric of rngesus Am a warlock of the old dice one Have rng owing me a few favours after the **** it's pulled on me in xcom got lucky, and our tanks did their jobs really well.

[CrazyPenguin]

Spoiler: Responses

Show

These quotes are really grounded in combat with the floor.

Booooooo

Rose: “Don't worry, it doesn't involve det-cord.”

Well then it's not a very good plan, is it?

DM:"you hear padded footsteps"
P1:"oh no, its gimp trolls"

I really want to know the thought process here.

Eric: "You could use your criminal skills for good! To help people! To save the world!"
Nosey: "Nah, I'm just gonna steal things."

DM: "Please don’t vore my mom!"

Silas: "When I make a salad, do I do it with weed? Because, y’know, Devil’s Lettuce? And I'm a demon?"

Eric: "He stole the hotel soap! What a b******!"

Eric: "Are [the potential cultists] wearing suspicious black cloaks?"

Silas: "That cloud looks like a... bigger cloud."

Silas: "What’s his name?"
DM (laughing): "It’s stupid."
Nosey: "His name is Stupid! Mr. Stupid. Above his workshop it just says 'Stupid’s'."
DM: "No, his name is Clyde."
Silas: "Pfhahaha! That’s such a dirtball name."

Zephania: "Orc pee cures hangovers."

Eric: "Teletubbies vs Mechahitler, the blockbuster of the century!"

DM: "This isn’t a farming town."
Eric: "Then what’s their livelihood?"
Nosey: "Their main export is feelings. They make the feelings."

Zephania: "Can I roll to buy a fetus?"

Silas: "Can I buy a cellphone?"
DM: "Can I strangle you?"

Eric: "They’re carrying pamphlets that say 'Have you heard the word of [horrific gurgling noises]?'”

Nosey: "Monkey nuts are the Bitcoin of Runescape."

Zephania: "Look at my pulsating butthole."

Zephania: "The medallion is bad spaghetti."

Eric: "Silas has never successfully said something that isn’t suspicious."

Eric: "I started this game with the stated goal of being as ridiculously bats*** crazy as possible. How did I end up being the the Team Dad?"

Eric: "Are we spelling “fairy” the normal way or the dumb fantasy way."
DM: "It’s F - a - e -
Eric: "Right, so the dumb fantasy way."

[Beacon of Chaos]

GM: You interogated a bar full of bandits by letting them shoot you until they ran out of bullets.
Victor: Hey, it worked, didn't it?

Doris: DORIS DESTROY!
Titlecard: Doris (The destroyer)

Naomi: It could be worse. There's a listing on the injury table that basically says "you ain't ever having children".

Bolts: I pick up Zapp's head and throw it onto his body.
Dice: *critical success*
GM: The head lands perfectly on his body. You hear a doodily-doodily-doo sound.

GM: Make a boner roll to see how horny you are.

[Katrina]

Wizard girl, Star: "Ah, it's an Asagiri! It possesses maidens and transforms them into...that thing that is ripping Dracos apart!"
Warrior man Dracos: "wait, this is a spirit?"
Star: "No, it's a host. Your axe should be able to harm it!"
Warrior proceeds to miss four attacks.
Brawler girl, Zoe: "are you sure?"

Dracos finally gets a good hit and smears creature. It convulsed and turns into a murdered peasant girl.
Dracos: "It was a monster, I swear."
Star: "okay, now we have to deal with the spirit, which possesses...maidens. Well, I'm staying over here."
Zoe: "what are you trying to say about me?"
Necromancer Cruak: "Star did grow up in a covent. What is your excuse?"
Zoe: "...I hate you all."

[DigoDragon]

Eric: "Are we spelling “fairy” the normal way or the dumb fantasy way."
DM: "It’s F - a - e -
Eric: "Right, so the dumb fantasy way."

I like Eric. :3


Love: “I got you that dog on your death bed! You gave it away for parts? It was a gift of Love!”
Rose: “Wait, I was on my death bed?”

Rose: “You say killing habit, I say military training to take out a threat.”

Rose: “But if it's a dinosaur, wouldn't it get stuck trying to follow her down the rabbit hole?”
Sniper: “Lewis Carroll sneers at your puny logic.”

Rose: “Yeah, I know. I've kissed myself once.”

Brazen: “Ah guess the CPI never looks at alternate plans or considerations then.”
Emerald: “Alternate plans or...MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD, YOU INSENSITIVE JERK!”

Star: “Hey bughead! Message for the queen. Tell her to back her tank right up and give the poor ponies some breathing room.”
Pins: “You sure you want it phrased like that?”
Star: “Oh, but do add a please on the end.”

Tantabus: “Normally stallions take a mare on a date before looking at their intimate bits, Sniper Scope. But you wouldn't know that, would you?”
Rose: “He can do the first step flawlessly, but it peters out after that.”
Sniper: “I'll have you know I've seen more than my fair share of mare insides. Mostly when I helped patch them up after an operation went bad, but the point remains.”
Rose: “Point proven.”

[D.KnightSpider]

Sniper: Do you know what the absolute worst part of all this is?
Love: What?
GM: What?
Sniper: A strong argument could be made that [the Tantabus] is the first mare Sniper goes to bed with.


Chrysalis: "What, is there some dream hopping version of Uber now?"

Sniper: "The Changeling you have dialed is not asleep. Please try again later."
GM: Oh no, you caught the joke. Now I can't use it.

GM: Concocts is a good word. I should use it more often.

GM: There's a saying where, after you're scared badly, you say, "I think I just lost a few years of my life."
Love: Aye. Love will try not to use that around Rem. P:
Tantabus: "What? You mean I can steal people's life too? Huh. No wonder mother tried to kill me."
Love: "Yeah, her trying to kill you makes a sense now. Well, even more sense. Knowing Scope he might just let you take a few years off the top too. You should definitely not steal anyone's life force!"
Tantabus: "I...don't know how. And I don't know if I have been all along without realizing it and ohsunandmoonI'mamonster."
GM: Long and short of it, don't confuse the Tantabus.

Rose: Maybe after a couple dates Sniper can get the advantages fearless
Love: That doesn't sound very nice to Tandy...
GM: With a marefriend like that, he'll wake up tired. And heart going at 100 mph. From what I will leave up to your imaginations.
Love: I'd prefer not to imagine it!


Sniper: So Tandy can kill Love? o_O
GM: Potentially, yes.
Love: Ha, that'd be a heck of a read. Literally scared to death.
Sniper: It would be the high water mark on Tandy's resume.

Love: Tandy can do a lot more damage to Love than that too. Love has brainblockers in her head. Tandy could probably mess with those there.
GM: Yep.
Tandy: "Let's see what's behind this door that says 'Do Not Open', shall we?"
Love: Aye, behind one is about a year's worth of physical therapy!
Sniper: The insurance dealings would be the real nightmare.

Love: Love built a very nice wall! Lots of walls!
GM: Tandy would look at those walls and go, "Ooh! Candy wrapping."
Tandy: "And this one says Snickers on it. My favorite candy bar."

[Beacon of Chaos]

Zapp: *jumps onto the roof of a moving vehicle* Avon calling!

APC Bot: Hold on to your organs!

[Shulk]

"You see ivan, when you cast spell like me, you roll nat 20, out of fear of accidentally doing a tpk on your own party."

[Cristo Meyers]

"Come over here and get these bodies."
"I'm not sure what's worse: that this counts as a greeting from you or that it's become routine..."

--

"We have achieved cat-bus, repeat, cat-bus."

[DigoDragon]

Zapp: *jumps onto the roof of a moving vehicle* Avon calling!

DBZ Abridged reference? :3


Alex: "Zuke procrastinates so hard that I have to finish his sentences."

Ronin: "There's Iced Tea that's alcoholic."
Xander: "There's water that's alcoholic."
Zuke: "That's called vodka."

Zuke: "What's our party make up?"
GM: "Sassy cleric, fun-sized rogue, kitty cat fighter, wizard of Id, and a scaly something."
Xander: "Half-dragon meat popsicle."
Zuke: "That makes me the entertainment, bard none."

Zuke & Xander: "Believe it or not, this show is still on, it should have ended two hours ago-oh-oooh."

Zuke: "Craft (Engineering), Craft (Musical Instrument), Craft (Macaroni & Cheese)."
GM: "That's a roll I have failed."
Zuke: "How do you fail Mac & Cheese?"
GM: "Dude, I have failed ramen."

Xander: "The Halfling's Guide to Small Details."

Alex: "The door is trapped."
Xander: "So we saw. It's electric."
Ronin: "Boogie woogie woogie."

Xander: "On a scale of 1 to 46, how hurt are you feeling?"
Ronin: "About a 29."

[Mith]

Godspeed Sir Squirrel. We salute your sacrifice in the name of Science!

[Beacon of Chaos]

DBZ Abridged reference? :3

I've never seen it, but I think the player who said that has, so probably.

[Rater202]

I've never seen it, but I think the player who said that has, so probably.

Rectify this immediately.

[DigoDragon]

Sniper: “Good news: No one else has to worry about nightmares. Bad news: Sniper's cheating on Chrysalis again.”

Love: “First thing. Now, that I'm not working, Rem, you're welcome to jump my ~spoooky~ bones anytime.”

Sniper: “Pacing is still covering ground. It just doesn't move you forward.”

GM: “Rose is a doctor, darn it, not a magic studies major! That was where all the lazy unicorns or really over-achieving earth ponies went! She remembers something about not crossing the streams, but that's about it.”

GM: “Now, however, the glass is shattered and dark stains run from the walls and down to the drain. A few white fragments of...something, possibly bone, lie scattered about.”
Sniper: “Well, this isn't ominous at all.”

Rose: “Rose suddenly developed psychokinetic powers.... no wait, that's just how hard she mentally face-hoofed herself.”

Rose: “I mean, sure we all nearly died in nuclear fire and Brazen will probably be firing blanks for a week, but it all turned out okay in the end, right?”
GM: “I think Seafire will be taking issue with those blanks.”
Love: “It's not exactly how Love would have started her day, but everything isn't gone within a twenty mile radius so that's good.”
Rose: “It's a wasteland of desert sand. Would anyone have noticed a 20 mile radius missing?”

Sign: “Warning, you are now breathing radioactive dust that was once a pony.”
Love: (whispers) “There is already pony dust all around us, a little bit anyway.” (Smells hoof)
Rose: “Oh, eww! Don't tell me that! I’m gonna go shower.”

[Guizonde]

i'll post a huge wall of text soonish for the end of the rt session, and the pf sessions. right now, here's a tidbit!

korinn: undress josé immediately!
grimm: why? he usually manages it just fine himself.
josé: not under 800lbs of angry orc paladin beating me up!!

dm: the villagers look at you funny.
kami: why? i thought josé got dressed again.
dm: him? yeah. you, on the other hand...
korinn and grimm: *lay on facepalms*

josé: i slept with the waitress and bought the restaurant. big deal.
grimm: you were out of sight for barely 20 minutes!!
josé: i know a good business move when i see one!
kami: not my choice of euphemisms. that waitress looks better than just "a business move". *eyebrows intensify*

[TheYell]

GOOLock: I say we have the neighborhood kids bob for apples in the street. That will draw the werewolf....Notice I didn't say sacrifice the kids, I just say, put them in extreme danger.
Ranger: Uh, no.
GM: I don't think your god is happy with you.
GOOLock: I don't have a god, I have a pact with an alien man-eating worm.
GM: Even so.

[DigoDragon]

Xander: "I hear tears and crying."
Ronin: "You sure that's not me?"
Xander: "These tears don't sound as salty."

GM: "Who was the mathematician in Jurassic Park?"
Alex: "The velociraptor."

Alex: "My Con is down to two."
Zuke: "What you need is more CON!!" [/Shatner]
Xander: "Okay, I pick up the halfling and carry him over my shoulder."
GM: "Why? He can still technically walk."
Xander: "Okay, I drop the halfling and pick up the sack of loot."

Xander: "I just got told No by a d10."

GM: "He got a pair of... Golden Retrievers? No, not that..."
Xander: "Silver Retrievers?"
GM: "Sure, we'll go with that."

Xander: "Liches are now a fashion accessory."

Alex: "I want to turn this owlbear head into a helmet so I can be tall enough for the flume ride."

Xander: "I roll a total of 20 to hit."
GM: "You succeed."
Xander: "Hahaha, he takes a whooping... 2 damage."
Zuke: "Welcome to my world."

Xander: "Alex is getting more criticals than Chernobyl on testing day."

[TheTeaMustFlow]

Kassim: All is balanced, but apparently some are more balanced than others.
Addi: ...So Balinor (TN God of Nature and Balance) is communist?
Kassim: ...Sure.

GM: I'm preemptively banning Wild Shaping into Trump Tower.

[Guizonde]

korinn: i feel a disturbance in the plot...
free: i got an idea!
korinn: called it!

josé: free, step one of a two-man plan is to let the other know about it beforehand.
free: whoops.

korinn: here's your new clockwork arm, josé. try not to lose this one.
kami: and no underhanded deals, ok?
josé: *casts rude gestures*

josé: before starting this whole "repentance" shtick, i'm calling it now: it'll do nothing whatsoever.
*two weeks of torture later*
grimm, mercilessly whipping: why. are. you. not. feeling. better?!
josé: called it!!

gm: there's an air of regret.
team: we still have those?!

[TheYell]

GM: So what about your character background justifies you having bagpipes?
Hunter: My grandmother was a McDonald!
GM: Nope.

[DigoDragon]

Sniper: “Aaaand we're back to the city of Critical Fail. Population: Sniper Scope.”

GM: “Shortest crossover in the history of Crossovers.”
Celestia: “Good morning, Dracula.”

Love: “We've got the sealed door unlocked and are about to open it.”
Rose: “Okay, scream if you need help.”

Octavia: “Light passes right through me, so why does it stop in my eyes? The sort of things you wonder when you're undead.”

Sniper: “I want her to know that I see her as an individual and not a weapon.”
Rose: “Why not both?”
Sniper: “Uh... because we're supposed to be the good guys?”

Love: “Did Rose gain screaming telepathy?”
Rose: “Don't tempt me.”

Love: “[Chrysalis’] betrayal wouldn't be personal.”
Sniper: “That's Sniper's take on the situation. Backstabbing is the price you pay for befriending Chrysalis.”
Rose: “I don’t accept that price. I want to change the fee structure.”

Rose: “This might turn into the first case of an incorporeal entity gaining 20 pounds of weight from eating.”

Sniper: “Rose is doing her infiltrator thing. Words leaving her mouth may be less straightforward than they appear.”
Rose: *MischievousUnicornTailWag.gif*

Rose: “Now, chillin' with the Z-bras. …That just sounds wrong.”
Love: “They're good people.”
Rose: “But wear no bras.”
GM: “How would that... even work?”

[Ornithologist]

Bad day one:

GM: You raise your shirt, and the teenage Dwarves catch sight of your C'thu-boobs.
One throws up and passes out, the rest run screaming. Somehow, they let you stay on the boat.

Bad Day two:

GM: When you wake up, instead of seeing some sort-off "harmless" gizmo you built while asleep, you see a fabricated steel statue of a woman, posed in dispair, with a black oily liquid pouring out of her eyes and mouth into a receptacle in the bottom, with your signature stamped into the base.

Bad Day three:

GM: The Big Bad comes swinging down from his airship on a Rope, and (rolls) hits you in the face with a Plume of fire from his hand. The damage is going to scar you badly.
P1: Ow, I suppose horrible disfigurement will improve my intimidation. I'm never asking for anything ever again.

[Gallade]

Girl (Tiefling's daughter): "Daddy, is it true you're going to meet Grandpa? I've never seen him."
Tiefling: "Sorry, but you can't meet Grandpa...he's a really bad person, that's why we never invite him over for dinner."
Girl: "Ah. Is he one of those people who hate eating meat and those who do?"
Tiefling: "Well...not THAT bad."

[TheYell]

Hunter: I was going with an elk, but, I figure we're gonna be really really hungry out there in the woods, so, why tempt you guys with a meat animal?
GM: When have I ever made you guys track rations? I don't do that! Nobody is going to eat your elk!
Hunter: You're sure you won't allow them to eat my elk?
GM: Positive.
Hunter: Would you allow a megaloceros?
GM: Yeah, that's in the book.
Hunter: Kewl! Prehistoric elk!
Witch: mmm venison!
Slayer: yum!
Hunter: I was in a party where an Exalted got a simhata mount, and it approached our campsite and roared his name, and we killed it and ate it.
GM:...
Hunter: We offered him leftovers while he wept.

[DigoDragon]

Dang, eating mounts? That's hardcore. XD


Rose: “Geez, raising kids from the dead is more expensive than just raising the kids.”

Sniper: “Sheesh. It's like everyone we run into is either a ghost or a megalomaniac or a ghost megalomaniac.”
Rose: *pokes her zebras to ensure they're substantial*
Zebras: *don't exist*
Also Zebras: *Suddenly reveal megalomaniac tendencies*
Rose: *cries in the corner*

Rose: “I just helped move two tons of rock out of the exit shaft. I could peel paint by lifting my foreleg pit.”

Sniper: “Dear Princess Luna, Congratulations! It is my duty to report that you are the proud mother of a baby girl. You now owe over a hundred years of child support and overdue birthday presents.”

Rose: “First mare Sniper beds and she's physically insubstantial.”

Love: “Make sure to grab everything out of our old room!”
Sniper: “Like Happy's tear-gas infused muffins.”

Rose: “A one-night stand with a nightmare? Sniper, you deviant fox. My evil changeling-half is proud.”

Sniper: “[I’m] a bad influence on Red Tape.”
Rose: “Don't stop.”

Love: “Love gained more respect for Scope in the bathroom because of his conversation with Rem. He seems pretty skilled with handling 'kids'.”
Sniper: “This is both amusing and terrifying.”

Rose: “A drunk Rose would probably lead to the party getting wild with Spin the Bottle, Truth or Dare, Timiti getting kissed, and Rose coming back to the office wearing a lamp shade as a festive hat. Bonus points if there wasn't a lamp shade AT the party for Rose to have acquired.”

[Cristo Meyers]

Rose: “Geez, raising kids from the dead is more expensive than just raising the kids.”

Just ask Dr. Venture.

---

"Meow, in tones of low menace."

"You were awfully polite to someone that just threatened to kill you..."
"And when the time comes I'll politely stab him about 6 or 7 times in the spine."

--

Alan (ship's captain): Oh, fine, I'm hip-deep in it too. But I only had a hand in making it a mishap. They turned it into a catastrophe!
Rayem (first mate): That is your talent, captain...