Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VI: Good. Bad. I'm the one with the pun.

[DMThac0]

Karrana: I ram it into the only other orifice available to me...
group: Wait...you just gave a sleeping potion enema to a were-rat?!
Karrana: Why not...there's no where else I could stick it.

---
Player 2: Hey guys! I found the tower!
Player 1: OOC Do we hear him?
DM: Nope
Player 1 to Player 1: WE CAN'T HEAR YOU!

---

Oriana: She wrote *&%^ing Ori instead of the damage I did.

[Guizonde]

dm you see a pantless elf flying through the air, screaming:
josé: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
kami: *sigh* probably should catch him, with or without pants...

[TheYell]

Ranger: Let's see, evil, plus two, so we're looking at...15 damage.
GM: OK roll for initiative.
Ranger: Nat 20.
GM: OK you you're first, so next is the slayer.
Ranger: I'd consider that the surprise round, so it should go to the top of the order.
GM: OK...
Ranger: (does another 20 damage with a silver arrow)
Slayer: Imma gonna whack him (18 damage).
GM: You...you killed the werewolf.
Tiefling: Wow, it's over?
GOOLock: I roll a 3 on Perception again.
GM: OK you don't even notice the combat, you're off in lalaland.
Ranger: Sorry, I'm heavy artillery.
GM: It's ok (sighs)

GOOLock: OK I'm a drow, you're a dwarf, what's the bribe?
GM: Seriously?
GOOLock: Hell no, I'd be killed by the party. "Please, Please, Please lemme in" is what I say.

Border Guard: And you, you're a dirty tiefling, why should we let you in?
Ranger: I draw my longsword and say, "My wife comes with me!"
GOOLock: You know, I'm considered the crazy one, and you DREW A LONGSWORD AT A CHECKPOINT

GM: Gimme a perception check.
GOOLock: 6.
GM: You don't notice anything, you go on babbling about whatever you were talking about.
GOOLock: So I think it's my crotch that is off shape or something, I gotta get a bigger inseam for off-the-rack pants.
Tiefling:...I think the Warlock is on shrooms again.
GOOLock: Shrooms are all natural! Nobody has ever died from shrooms, and that's a fact!
Table: ...
GOOLock: Hey that was in character. Jeez.


GOOLock: I'm an astronomer turned Warlock of Shai-Hulud, cloistered scholar background, and I see nothing wrong with an offroad shortcut through the desert!
GM: How do you vote?
Ranger: You gonna go with the Ranger, or with the shroom-chomping warlock?
Slayer: Hmm, put it like that...

GM: OK it's night, what do you do?
Cleric: I pray for spells.
Ranger: Me and the wife try to make some half-tieflings, teehee.
Wizard: I admire the cleric, I'm going to study with him.
Slayer: I sleep.
GOOLock: I'll go to that underground terrorist meeting.
Wizard: Whoa, alone?
GOOLock: 10 wisdom, I see no problem!

Ranger: I demand a good hotel room as a part of our payment!
GOOLock: Until we find an abandoned factory that we can make into a headquarters.
Ranger: Wrong campaign!
GOOLock: I use telepathy to say "If we're the cops we can ignore what we like for a fee."
Ranger: You are not a rogue!
GOOLock: If we're gonna fight crime we need costumes.
Ranger: (sigh)

GOOLock: This desert seems like a good place to establish a cult.
Ranger: Just don't serve kool-aid! Haha.
Cleric: Huh?
GM: Don't get the reference.
Ranger: Oh right. You're kids.
GOOLock: (gives a concise rundown of Jonestown)
GM: You're kidding.

GOOLock: I borrow a gold to go to a bar.
Ranger: Here's the bar you go to you bum! (shows video clip of Blue Oyster Bar from Police Academy)
GOOLock: Haha. Did you know the Blue Oyster Bar was pansexual?
Ranger: LANDO IS NOT-- I read the EU!!! Arrgghhhh
GOOLock: Heehee.

[DigoDragon]

Love: “A lot of jokes are about subverting the way we think the world should work with harmless fun. My joke subverted the idea that I was going to tell you a joke which in itself is a joke.”

Sniper: “We're not going to throw you out, Pins. Love will escort you to your room.”
Pins: “Aw. But being with the great EDF, who the Queen speaks so highly of, is such fun.”
Sniper: “All good things must come to an end, Pins.” (Including your ability to spy on us)

Sniper: “Just as I didn't say that Rose would be marrying Timiti herself. Whether he's a Changeling or not.”
Rose: “Ah, you meant the other definition of marry. I was thinking the ‘to wed’ definition. Pretty sure that's an important detail to Chrysalis.”
Chrysalis: “Hello Rose, I'm your step-mother-in-law now.”
Dirk the Changeling: “Wait you two know each other-- You did WHAT? Oh, ew! Mooooom! You didn't have to-- Ow, ow, okay! Okay! I get it! Shutting up now!”

GM: “They had scrolls, which are all ash now thanks to a certain laser-spewing dragon jerk.”
Rose: “I'd invoke Schrodinger's Elders Scrolls. Their state of intact/ash coexist until directly observed.”

Rose: “We're going to scan the remains of your documents to the cloud where they'll be preserved forever.”
Zebras: *look up at the sky*
Timiti: “But it's a clear day.”
Rose: “Oh kay, how to explain this one...”

[DMThac0]

Twig: I cast Speak with Animals and approach the herd of cows.

I ask them if they know what it was that attacked them.

Cow: Plants
Twig: How big were the plants, were they small or were they big?
Cow: Yes
Twig: How many plants were there, lots of them or not?
Cow: Yes
Twig: Did you see where they went?
Cow: *head turns as the cow looks in a direction*
Twig: Thank you cow!

To party: The cow told me that there were lots of small evil plants that came from over there *points*.

[TheTeaMustFlow]

Steiner (OOC): ...And this was why Incarnation was invented. Not to fill a gap in Summoners' options or anything, but just to cut down on the inevitable demarcation disputes when people's final bosses were summoned away.

[JAL_1138]

PC: You know, you could use a different demon lord than Graz'zt...
DM: I could, but it's Pride month.

[Avonar]

"So apparently Mountain Crocodiles now exist and you have scared them so much that they have formed a staircase to help you leave."

"Do they eat humans?"

"They're Mountain Crocodiles. They just eat rocks."

[Telonius]

"The badgers have been talking at the water cooler, telling horror stories of the this bunch of lunatics who keep summoning them."

[LordCdrMilitant]

PC: You know, you could use a different demon lord than Graz'zt...
DM: I could, but it's Pride month.

I feel like some context is required here. What does Graz'zt have to do with pride month?

[DigoDragon]

Love: “I got a new coffee machine. The last one melted.”

Rose: “It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations!”

Love: “Didn't the Thunderbird's weaponry do alright? Green Pines helped a lot too.”
Rose: “Green has that BFG, so there’s a useful asset we can take up against the dragon.”
Green Pines: “Who touched Sasha?!”

Love: “The team already has access to all of the security cameras.”
Rose: “We do? So Rose could take a selfie on them?” *duck lips*
Love: “They aren't toys!”

Rose: “Dang, she's so naked without her phone. Naked I tell you!”
Love: “I would feel naked without a computer too! A computer/phone is a necessary tool!”
Rose: “So naked! Spread out over Red Tape's desk holding an acquisitions form for a replacement phone between her teeth. Lying on her back side, tail wagging...”
Love: (Gets spray bottle) (Sprays Rose) “This desert heat is really getting to you.”

Sniper: “I shouldn't have to tell you that joke's a prosthetic. But we all know those are stocking stuffers.”
Rose: “Yeah that one is of limb-ited use as a joke.”
Sniper: “I think it comes up about a foot short.”

[NeoSeraphi]

DM: "Yes, you had much sleep bacon last night."

[Merlin]

From Campaign #3:

Fighter (OOC): How many children are you going to kidnap (sorcerer)?
Sorcerer (OOC): They all came willingly...

[SleepyShadow]

PC: "I've been looking for a way to screw everyone over, and now I found it!"

[TheTeaMustFlow]

Steiner: (On fighting manifestations of the characters' worst fears) I wish to make it clear to you all that these are not real. Probably. Mostly. I mean, they're still real enough to kill you, but honestly that isn't a very high bar.

[DigoDragon]

Ronin: "It's white chocolate, but it's missing something..."
Xander: "Yeah, chocolate."

Xander: "I rolled a six."
Ronin: "You're standing behind my ever-shrinking ass."
GM: "Wait, what did I just miss?"
Ronin: "Pocket donkeys."

Zuke: "I'm sorry, but us bards can only move at the speed of sound."

GM: "The ogres fire their crossbows at the bard."
Zuke: (yanks a dwarf in front of him) "HERO SHIELD!!"

Mule: (sprays chrome on his lips) "For Valhalla!!"
Mule: *double-crits an ogre in the gut*

Xander: "You'll have to indicate if you mean a capital or lowercase six."

GM: "Zuke, what do you do?"
Xander: "He could panic."
Zuke: "I'm invisible, I don't see that happening."

Zuke: "I pick up Ronin's sword off the floor. It vanishes."
Ronin: "What just happened to my sword?"
Xander: "It got Harry Potter'd."

GM: "Number four drops dead."
Xander: "Capital or lower case?"

Xander: "Oww!"
Ronin: "What happened?"
Xander: "I accidentally gave myself a Brazilian wax job."
Zuke: "But you're an elf."
Xander: "It was a really good job. Oww."

GM: "Ronin, what do you wield?"
Ronin: "Anger and a spiked shield."

Ronin: "I have to redo my numbers because now I'm at a +7/+2."
Zuke: "But even if you're right, it would be a +7/+1/+2/+1, not a +7/+2/+1/+1."
Ronin: "Fine, +7/+1... shut up!"

Zuke: "First we find us a Gaggle-Zoomer--"
Xander: "Wait, what? Were the ogres not deadly enough?"
Zuke: "It'll get us there faster."
Xander: "With some of our body parts optional!"
Zuke: "Sixteen flips and she refused our ride."

[Necroticplague]

Gene: You'd think the barbed wire would have done me in, but spending the last three Easters getting crucified makes me able to soak a lot of punishment.

[Xianthe]

Sal: So, you're part of the team hired to go after my girlfriend?
Phi: I have no interest in your monkey meatbag sexual proclivities.

[TheTeaMustFlow]

Minion: Wait! You can't kill me, I have information!
Steiner: ...Necromancer.

Kiryu: We can't just shoot first and ask questions later.
Steiner: ...Again, necromancer.

[DigoDragon]

Steiner: ...Necromancer.

This makes many parts of the adventuring job easier.


Love: “Rose will love anyone that feeds her. It's my ace in the hole to fix everything!”

Wildcat: *looks at Emerald, zebras, and two random mares* “Not. Remotely. What. I. Meant.”

Love: “Oh no! I ate her floor pizza. She must surely expect a retaliatory strike.”

Love: “That still looks really infected. You should get that checked out by a doctor.”
Rose: “But I am a doctor.”
Love: “Doctors shouldn't treat themselves. I heard a story about someone's neck falling off. She died three days later.”
Rose: “Wait, how does someone live for three days without a neck?”
Love: “I don't know. I thought you were the doctor?”

Love: “Welcome Muffins are the best! Sometimes I think about visiting, leaving, and coming back so I can have a second batch of them to eat.”

Sniper: “The idea of Rose 'freshening up' while Wire's corpse rots away in the bathtub is amusing for morbid reasons.”

GM: “If you don't take the truck, some lucky pony is getting a free one.”
Rose: “I want to be a lucky pony! I'll take the truck.”
Love: “We could duct tape the truck to the bottom of the bird and call it a day.”
Star: “Pretty sure that’s outside the realm of OSHA compliance.”

[TurboGhast]

Varis: This would have been amazing had I planned for it to happen.

[Necroticplague]

Nesdu: Are you even profecient with any of those?
Gene: No. But if I make them spend this much time disarming me, they'll be constantly thinking 'did we get everything? is there something else up their sleeve?'. Which will distract them from thinking 'how many of us can she take out with her bare hands'.

[AshfireMage]

GM: "He won't be able to sleep there, he doesn't have any dirt" (makes a lot more sense if you know what game we're playing)




Player: "HOW DARE SHE NOT WANT TO GET MURDERED? I WAS SO POLITE WHILE I LED HER INTO MY TRAP"

[DigoDragon]

Sniper: “Good luck with Rem, Rose. Since you're dangling some prime rib in front of her, try not to get suckered into a nightmare experience.”
Rose: “Prime rib? I know Rose is a delicious big meal, but...”

Rose: “Someone still has to ride in it because there’s no room on the bird.”
Love: “We can magnetize Brazen to the hull!”
Rose: “I know everyone's attracted to Star's ship, but...”
Love: "I'm sure she really appreciates the pull toward her but this general attraction is a polarizing issue."
Rose: "It's a situation that can quickly go south."
Love: “It's somewhat ionizing. Heading Nothing doesn't seem to help much either.”
Rose: “I know, I know. I realize it's just weighing me down like a lodestone.”

Sniper: “But, hey, whatever doesn't kill [Sniper] only makes him stronger.”
Rose: “Aww, that's nice of you to say that Rose helped increase Sniper's Max Lift capacity.”
Sniper: “So that's where the Extra Lift Advantage came from. I was curious about that. And he didn't even have to mount her to get it.”

Sniper: “If the CPI Soldiers weren't chipped, we could win this war by dropping cell phones on their heads.”

Rem: “What is there to share? I was born. Almost destroyed. Then wandered from dream to dream for a long time. Got captured and watched everypony die to their own foolishness. [Beat] I...suppose that is a lot, actually.”

Rose: “Well, not sure what you'd define as normal. I share traits with my washing machine back home as much as I do a pony.”

Star: “My best break-up tip is to get infected by rage-magic and shout at her until she's crying, but I don't think you want to go that route.”
Sniper: “Yeah. That's probably not a good idea. I don't know that we want to invite a freaky rage mage to this party anyway.”
Star: “Rage Mage. That's the name of the death metal band I'm putting together when I retire.”

Rose: “Well you know what? If they have a problem with you, then they'll have a problem with me.”
Rem: “Are you sure, Rose? Would you fight my mother herself?”
Rose: “I'm sure. Do you know who your mother is?”
Rem: “Oh, you know...Princess Luna of Equestria. No biggie.”

[Lord Torath]

Kaylee: (Dolled up in her best Trés Chic clothing) Hi I'm here to see Euphoria? I have an appointment.
Guard: (Takes in Kaylee's appearance). Great! Who shall I say is here?
Kaylee: (panics and flees)

[Rater202]

"WHAT IS A GOD TO A NONBELIEVER!?"

"What is a nonbeliever on Judgement Day?"

[TheYell]

DM: You get one last question of the prisoners.
Hunter: How many bubbles in a bar of soap?
DM: ...I'll ask for a serious question.
Hunter: Well, we're going to hang them, right?
DM: That would be EVIL! Are you evil? Never mind, last question please!

[Necroticplague]

"I'm not sure whether I should be disappointed Velociraptors aren't as intimidating in person, or excited that I'm about to add 'raptor thrower' to my resume list."
-Gene, on proper choices of improvised weapons.

[Xianthe]

Badger: I think she was referencing her tragic backstory.
Blue: She was trying...I was ignoring her.

[Gallade]

"Villain kidnaps dragon, villain ransoms dragon for a bigger dragon, dragon kidnaps hero, princess is actually another dragon, princess kills dragon, princess saves hero."