Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VI: Good. Bad. I'm the one with the pun.

[Telonius]

DM: (gives a really nice description of a down-on-its-luck town near a mountain pass, and a high-charisma couple talking with each other just inside the gates)
Cassandra: Let's try to keep our Bags of Holding on the down low while we're here, I'm pretty sure the Burgermeister has outlawed toys.


Markimoo: Have you ever given any human sacrifices to this dragon?
NPC: Most certainly not!
Cassandra (aside): They ran out of virgins, didn't they.

[Astofel]

Vistra: I'm going to cast Detect Poison and Disease and look around to see how bad everyone is.
DM (me): Unsurprisingly, all the dwarves you see have alcohol poisoning.
Vistra: Do I detect any disease?
Me: Yeah, a few of them have some STIs.
Vistra: I have a look at Laucian (elven 'exotic dancer' NPC)
Me: He's clean.
Vistra (ooc): Really? That's surprsing.
Me: He's a dancer, not a slut!
Laucian: ...why are you looking at me like that?

[Guizonde]

Ninja: "There's an old Kunai proverb that goes something like "Kissing someone's ass puts you out of their sight and within stabbing distance of their crotch." "
Merchant: "Sure, but what if you don't want just to stab people's crotches? What if you want more?"
Ninja: "Then get it while they're doubled over screaming "AAAAAH YOU STABBED MY CROTCH AAAAAAAH""

i'm gonna remember that, i haven't been yelled at by my gm's in a while.

gm: ok, pick a replacement pc from this stack!
me: *picks one randomly* ...
team: what?
me: i'm playing a child soldier again *grins*
team, looking at gm: ... *grins*
gm: i didn't plan for him to pick that character...

*5 kills later*
gm: *sigh* tell me again how you managed to play golf with a human head?
me: by hitting it very hard?

teammate: i'm more concerned about him causing insanity points.
gm: to the victims?
teammate: no, to us irl!

me: anybody have a pound of c4?
teammate: why? for blasting through a wall?
me: no, for blasting through the plot.
gm: you collapsed a building and destroyed a tank already. you don't need any help destroying the plot!!

[Rater202]

"I'm the best there is at what I do and what I do is punch dragons in the groin."

[TheYell]

CLERIC: OK everybody gather round for the Prayer of Healing! "So wide, you can't get around it/ So low, you can't get under it/ So high, you can't get over it/ Dayah, duhduh ditdit duh/ Dayah, duhduh ditdit duh/ Dayah, duhduh ditdit duh/ Dayah, duhduh ditdit duh--"

RANGER: WHAT are you doing?

CLERIC: Well it has a casting time of ten minutes.

RANGER: NO!!!!

[Toric]

DM: So what did we learn?

Player 1: Enemies can take readied actions too!

Player 2: Dragons am smart!

DM: And this one speaks Common.

[DigoDragon]

Viridia: “So if I'm not back in an hour, I might be dead or something, so I'd really appreciate it if y'all'd check it out. See ya.”

Moon: “Didn't she try and threaten you with nightmares or something if you wouldn't hunt down a spirit?”
Stellar: “She wanted to turn Viridia into a pig.”

Stallion: “My name is Just World.”
Doc: “Right. Creepy dude. Ironic name.”

Just World: “If you need to confront the local government or their superiors, you would simply need to state that they were believed to have possible ties to the Steel Rangers. Last Stop has an intolerance regarding surviving Rangers that only matches their official stance on ghouls.”
[Beat]
Glorious Dawn: (quickly gets up) “Who wants pie?”
Moon & Doc: “Yes please!”

[Braininthejar2]

"I see three flaws in this otherwise elegant plan:

One, we have no gunpowder

Two we have no cabagges

Three, we have no barrels."

[Calthropstu]

"I see three flaws in this otherwise elegant plan:

One, we have no gunpowder

Two we have no cabagges

Three, we have no barrels."

Mmmmmm, explosive cabbage.

[Diachronos]

"I wonder if we're still going to have to deal with all the world's meat..."

[DigoDragon]

"I wonder if we're still going to have to deal with all the world's meat..."

#DeliciousWorldProblems


GM: “Shade is a complex pony who is likely suffering from personal tragedies and a low amount of self esteem. Also, she's probably evil.”

Doc: “Scratching behind her ear (or whatever the equivalent is) would probably feel like rubbing against concrete.”

Viridia: “Well, that's boring. And weird. I wish I had a camera or something, would come in handy right about now. Plus, y'know... nudes.”

Doc: “I’m a doctor, not a language arts instructor.”

Mirror: “[My sister] was experimenting with magic that could let her live forever. She poisoned foals so she could retrieve the bodies to use in making the potion.”
Stellar: “Mirror, your sister’s beauty regimen is evil. She sounds worse than a raider. Actually, I don't know anypony worse then her, and a day ago we fought a giant robot that wanted to turn Equestria into a factory farm.”
Mirror: “She was then made landless and unable to return to her circle, but she then petitioned for the position of Court Wizard, which she won after the current one died of a pox and the other three candidates died from stomach aliments.”
Doc: “Strangely convinient.”
Stellar: (whispering to Doc) “We need to talk.”

GM: “Viridia needs a ninja whistle to call her ninja. Its okay, that's really not covered in Ninja Owning 101.”

Moon: “The gun itself is intelligent? No, well maybe.”

[TheTeaMustFlow]

DM: What do you do next?
Kassim: I hate.

[DigoDragon]

Viridia: (to an altar) “Hey, sexy. I didn't think they made altars this holy around these parts. You must drive the worshipers wild. What do you say we get out of here and move slightly to the right?”
GM: “The altar must have been gay or something, because it didn't reply.”

GM: “At least Choro didn't ask if her dog could join the basketball team, because then you'd have an animal whose sole power is brokenly cheap teleportation and that would certainly get a penalty slammed at her or something.”

Moon: “Now I'm going to see if I can trade a cutie for what appears to be a possessed gun.”
Choro: “Why do you want a... never mind.”

Glorious Dawn: “Doc, can I borrow you for a moment? I believe this is an opportune time to talk about cuties while the wizards cannot hear about them. I am offering Moonshadow a doomsday device of unknown origin in exchange for one or a few if I find them to be my liking.”
Doc: “Uh… sure?”
Moon: “The doomsday device is possessed by a spirit, and was either built or found by the Enclave.”
Doc: “Um, slightly less sure?”

Choro: “Was that all the book had? Looks kinda like you got cut off there.”
Doc: “Maybe the author was giving dictation and suffered a heart attack?”

GM: “I approve of Stellar's intent to become a moving nuclear explosion.”

[D.KnightSpider]

Love: "Measurements? It's not a delicate matter at all! You needn't worry. I helped decide these measurements."

Matter-horn: "I'll confess that I'm not the more outwardly organized individual. Nevertheless, I know exactly where everything is. So don't. touch. anything."

Matter-horn: "I must side with Fluttershy on this one. 'Super Charger' rolls off the tongue much more smoothly than 'Electro Charger'. 'Beam Charger' makes you sound like some dreadful weapon upgrade or somesuch. Do you have any electrical abilities? It would be quite shocking if you did."

Love: "I can't have my first fans disappointed!"

Discord: “Fluttershy? Remind me never to visit an airless void again. It’s a real dive. No atmosphere to speak of.”
Fluttershy: “Sure thing. But I can’t guarantee you’ll listen.”
Matter-horn: "Oh, I don't know. It seems to me that an airless void would be the perfect place to... decompress."

Matter-horn: "Between you and me. The cultural center is the most important. There's a little diner there that makes the best ​waffles you've ever had. It's almost criminal."
Discord: "Not Sharma? Hmm, well can't win them all I suppose."

Discord: "Oh you know, Hench-R-Us. The best in cheap, quickly-gathered minions. Also, the flashing dials and consoles come from abandoned factories in Roamania."

Discord: "It was a bright and sunny day in Maretropolis! The buildings gleamed so bright you almost needed sunglasses to raise your eyes off the pavement. The smell of happiness filled the air! Which might have something to do with the recent round of hallucinations rampaging through parts of the city because, unless you're a changeling, happiness has no smell!"

[Archeoaevis]

Before we begin:

• The Artificer is an Aarakocra, with a reputation in the party for being rather idiotic.
• The Monk (D&D 5E Shadow Monk) and the Eldritch Knight (who is my character) in our party have quite a few ethical disagreements.

Artificer: "What do you think this strange dust is?"
Warforged: "I don’t know, but if it only stings me, then it may have magnetic properties."
Artificer: "Could be. Or it effects lifeless creatures."
Warforged: "That stung more than the dust."


Artificer: "I hope it's just your garden variety zombie, or something easily dispatchable."
Monk: "Garden variety... that's kind of horrible."
Eldritch Knight: "For everyone growing zombies in their garden!"
Monk: "And for the zombies. Imagine being raised from the dead and having your corpse defiled, only to have some idiot tell you to do their garden work."
Eldritch Knight: "Is that how necromancy works? I thought it used dark magic to just control the body."
Monk: "Either way, you are having your remains defiled. Very horrible, if you ask me."
Artificer: "..."
Monk: "What? Are you going to stand there, and tell me that taking advantage of a good man's resting body to do your garden work is alright with you?"
Artificer: "Garden variety is an expression... It has nothing to do with animating a zombie and having it do your garden work."
Eldritch Knight: "What do you mean, then?"
Zombie: (attacks the party)


Eldritch Knight: "I start casting Mold Earth to help bury a demon prince in a hole."

[TheYell]

DM: The Elder yells "Stop Stop I command you!"

Druid: I change into a spider and climb down the hole.

Fighter: I somersault thirty feet down the hole. (rolls 3 20s consecutively)

DM: Damn you. OK, you're all in a tunnel--

Cleric: I'm lawful good, I haven't gone down the hole.

DM: OK.

Cleric: I turn to the elder and ask if he wants me to arrest the others.

DM: "Yes!"

Cleric: I go down the hole.

[PhoenixPhyre]

DM: The Elder yells "Stop Stop I command you!"

Druid: I change into a spider and climb down the hole.

Fighter: I somersault thirty feet down the hole. (rolls 3 20s consecutively)

DM: Damn you. OK, you're all in a tunnel--

Cleric: I'm lawful good, I haven't gone down the hole.

DM: OK.

Cleric: I turn to the elder and ask if he wants me to arrest the others.

DM: "Yes!"

Cleric: I go down the hole.

I think I know what adventure you're playing. Sounds about exactly what my group did in a similar situation (if not the exact same one). I'm sure that at least one person had jumped before the elder even started whining though. My group really has issues with authority figures. Lawful just isn't something we do very well.

[DigoDragon]

Cleric: I turn to the elder and ask if he wants me to arrest the others.
DM: "Yes!"
Cleric: I go down the hole.

DM walked right into that one. Well played, Cleric. XD


Stellar: “Ok, now I'm really curious as to how an underground photovoltaic generator would work.”

GM: “I'm sure Viridia will enjoy walking down Shade's special secret rainbow tunnel while holding hooves with someone.”
Viridia: “When you phrase it like that it almost sounds lewd.”

Griffon: “I mean, you're the guy who gave that one horse girl the exploding ass, right?”
Mirror: *gives Doc a questioning look*
Doc: “No, that was someone with a similar name. Actually, I still have his head in a bag.”
Mirror: *continues to look at Doc, but the question changed*

Stellar: “Stellar hopes that noise wasn't anything important. She flies back towards town.”
GM: “She sees that Doc and Mirror were out in middle of town, apparently harassing griffons.”
Moonshadow: “Hey Doc. Did I hear something about an exploding donkey?”

Stellar: “Three point superhero landing!” (*thoom*!)
Doc: “Those landings can't be good on the knees.”
Stellar: “Hey, how'd the [magic] test go?”
Mirror: “I almost died. Nightcore used sound magics to break a crystal on my horn, but Choro shattered it into crystal needles.”
Stellar: “Somehow I'm not surprised that Choro was at the centre of a magical disaster.”

Viridia: (looks at the coffin, then to Fan Knife) “So, are we agreed that it would be really stupid to open that thing?”
Fan Knife: “Whatever's in there is probably the reason for this whole set up, and now I'm kind of invested here…”

Abbas: “Also, to be frank, bringing three pegasi, a stable pony, and a cyberpony can be construed as a show of power to some.”
Sari: “Are you going to make the pegasi wear swimsuits or something?”

[somethingrandom]

“We were acting on incomplete information and may have just committed an atrocity *slight pause* we were acting on complete information and may have just committed an atrocity.”

[DeTess]

Paladin: Okay, we're going to fly our dragons high over the ambush spot and see if we can see the enemy force.
DM: You can see them below. Some are sitting around a campfire, and there are two others sitting separately from the rest.
Monk: I back-flip of my dragon's back.
Rest of the party: We dismount as well. [note: we're still very high up in the air]
DM:
DM: ...
DM: Roll initiative.

[Necroticplague]

Gene: You're right. If you all ganged up on me, you could definitely take me out. However, everyone in the first rank would die horribly, and the second wouldn't fare much better. I'll give you time to organize yourself, but be quick. Unlike my....allies over their, neither I nor you guys have forever.
to clarify that last part: her Circle are all various non-Terrestrials Exalts, the one saying this is merely a Heroic Enlightened mortal, the audience is entirely Terrestrials.

[Neckromancer]

I have a few...not all of them are very good or funny...but these were some of the more normal ones:

Tiefling GOO Warlock (my 1st character): "I'm no smithy...but I'd say that's a sword."


Kalashtar Shadow Monk: "No! That's MY face!"


Dragonborn Fighter (1st level): -calmly walks down the stairs- "Did I do that?"



OOC: "I roll to romance the chicken" -rolls a 20-


DM: after my character rolls a 1 for perception check: "You've never noticed how nice your boots are. The stitching is peftect. There's not a speck of dust or dirt on them."


Minotaur Valor Bard: "I've got a fever...and the only cure... IS MORE COWBELL!"

[Gallade]

(Party has just beat down a criminal and his android partner)
Bandit: "How did you find us?"
PC: "Nanomachines, son."
Bandit: "The hell is nanomachines?"
Android: "What is a 'son'?"

[Guizonde]

*basic overkill firefight*
heavy gunner: i think we could use some backup!
medic: we are the backup.
heavy gunner: then we should backup better!

[DigoDragon]

Doc: “No, they weren't the brightest bag of hammers.”

Viridia: “Nothing like robbing a child's grave to start the day.”
GM: “Also, Viridia found a hidden crystal tomb.”
Choro: “A Crystal Tome! Where?”
[Beat]
Choro: “Oh.”

Viridia: “Not sure if fellowship or y'all just want some of my dead kid money.”

Viridia: *she stuffed the book down her front, under her armor. It would probably be an even better hiding place if she were some kind of creature with fleshy mounds to help conceal it*
GM: “...Like, a front butt?”

Choro: “So what you're saying is that you want ramp accessible dungeons?”

Viridia: “Nothing like a heart-to-heart while escaping from a burglary.”
Moon: “I think at this point it counts as an archaeological expedition.”
GM: “See, that's the spirit!”

Stellar: “I was just trying to follow some sort of due process - to not arrive in a new town and to appearances straight up murder an apparently popular elected mayor.”
Doc: “I'm quite sure that was the Sun Servants’ plan all along.”
Doc: (impersonating Tirkes) “A terrible member of the Servants was killed off? Oh darn... that's so sad... welp, time for lunch.”

Viridia: “Can't believe Stellar's hitting on a Griffon. Disgusting. Why can't she hit on something normal, like a dragon or an undead Japanese schoolgirl?”
Stellar: “Well if any charming dragons or undead schoolgirls come along and offer her an epic cocktail of win whilst she has to provide a diversion for Moonshadow she'd probably hit on them too.”
[Beat]
Stellar: “Well. Maybe not the undead schoolgirl.”
Viridia: “Once you go undead, there's no better in bed.”

[DuctTapeKatar]

DM: "You hear the flitting of wings above you."

Lialac: "I look up to see what it is."

DM: "There are about ten stirges about to fly down to your party."

Lialac: "OK, I cast shatter in the center of the group. It's a 3d8 damage and 10 feet across, so it should hit them all."

Tormia: "You're casting a thunder based attack... in a cave?"

Lialac: "... Yes."

DM: "Alright, then. There is a loud bang, and bloody stirge bodies start falling right down, but there is also a slight rumble, and some loose rock starts to fall from the ceiling, but nothing large. Also, all of your ears are ringing."

Lialac: *Fingers in ears* "Mawp... Mawp..."

[Khaiel]

Spoiler: From my Saturday Anima game

Show

Garrus: You do realize that using Necromancy you are literally ripping the threads that bind the world together apart, right?
Amian: But this way we get zombies to fight The Machine. Think of the merchandising!

Liara: But I thought Vetala could not have children with other races.
Eric: Actually they can, but only with humans, Sylvain and Duk'zarist, and the child is either born dead or as a pureblooded Vetala.
Liara: Then how the hell is this girl a half breed? And it seems Ahanel has made more half breeds in her lab.

Garrus: Of course, it all makes sense now... Ahanel wants to have Sorin's babies!

Garrus (OOC): We have reached a decision on how to act on the AhanelxSorin situation.
GM: Yes?
Garrus (OOC): We demand a beach episode during which we will try our best to get them together.

Garrus: I'm the only one who can get the squad to actually do anything. Seriously, getting Liara and Eric to do something useful is like herding cats.
Liara (OOC): Liara would be offended if she wasn't already on top of your desk waiting for someone to feed her.

Amian: What is Garrus doing?
Eric: Before each mission, he submits his will to High Command. Apparently it contains precise instructions on what to do with our squad should he be MIA or KIA.
Amian: Oh. Any idea what he writes there?
Eric: Well, he has told us that until Sorin says otherwise, if something happened to him the new squad leader would be Logain.
Amian: But he is a mute!
Garrus (OOC): And the only one I can trust with not blowing up HQ just by thinking about his plan.

Amian (OOC): So Logain is carrying Liara while she casts destruction spells... I am afraid to ask but is she—
Liara: Pew pew, pew pew pew pew! Fiiiiiiiiiiush... Boom!
GM: Truth be told, Logain would also be doing gun and explosion noises if he could.

Liara: I feel like I can hear Garrus saying "Liara, this is not the time to use that."

Spoiler: This one is a little older

Show

Daniel: And so I felt in love with the little fairy, and we were happy for some time before she managed to get me back to our world. I still miss her, and how she really made me feel BIG.
Wilhelm: You should have gone last.
Daniel: What?
Wilhelm: There is no ****ing away anything we tell her is going to be better than that.

Dryad: Of course the tree is now young. That is because you will came a few minutes ago in about two thousand years.
Daniel:
Nicola: I believe Daniel has stopped working.
Sergio: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Daniel: So how do we get back to our time?
Dryad: Well, you have to look for the place that smells like yellow.
Daniel: I can't even...
Wilhelm: Poor thing. He kills one of the Messengers of the End and now a juvenile apple tree is kicking the **** out of him just by speaking.

Sergio: Oh, there's the dryad.
Daniel: She looks much younger.
Dryad: Of course I do, silly. It will be one thousand years the first time I will met you.
Daniel: I swear to God, tie me or I will murder her and burn this forest.

Daniel: I almost went crazy...
Karla: Well, you did looked at an apple tree's eyes. Even tulips know not to do that.

Nicola: Soooo, this might be a little too late, but... Did anyone bring any of that water that heals all wounds and restores our stanima?
Wilhelm: No. That would have been too intelligent for us.

[DigoDragon]

Dryad: Of course the tree is now young. That is because you will came a few minutes ago in about two thousand years.

My head hurt thinking about that one.


Doc: “Like, it wouldn't surprise me if Ragnarok shows up with gemstones, a land grant, and three goats.”
GM: “If Doc can pass off his cyberparts as some sort of advanced mud pony magic and if Mirror can convince that she kidnapped him, then it's all golden.”
Mirror: “My lord, I have captured a fine battle-surgeon from the strange lands, ritually mutilated in the manner of his people! Can he be my side ******?”

GM: “I think pony genetics partly work by pixie dust and fairy giggles, but sure, bring it back out from the depths.”

Viridia: “Everfrost ponies are dumb. The best ponies are actually Super Pegasi God Super Pegasi.”
GM: “Every time a pegasus says they're the best, a unicorn finds a evil artifact.”

GM: “Eel dogs sound like a horrific species that now exists in the setting.”
Doc: “I just pulled that name off the Oakville dinner menu from earlier.”

Doc: “You certainly did better than the employees at the bank I spent two hours at, trying to cash a check. They forgot how to count money, their counting machine forgot how to count money, and eventually the manager on duty had to step in to count the money. I mean, they're a bank. They have one job--counting money!”

GM: “Sorry for the ambiguity; Mirror's staring at Madeleine, not Choro. Madeleine is still wearing a glittery leotard and looks kind of like an exotic dancer or an extra on a Rocky Horror performance.”
Choro: “Ah... apologies, I just tend to assume NPCs surprised by a pony in a baffling outfit are reacting to Choro. Just seems like a safe rule of thumb.”

[TheYell]

DM: You also have a cold iron masterwork long sword. This sword has a +1 to attack and bypasses the DR of fey and devils.
Wizard: Our melee guys should use that.
Ranger: I'm cool with my elven curved blade.
Cavalier: We need that to fight the fey.
Hunter: (FeyTaken) Why would we fight the fey? Those guys are totally awesome!
DM: There are evil fey.
Hunter: No! The fey are our friends!
Ranger: Hoo boy.
Cavalier: Okaaaay I'm taking that sword.


DM: The slurk is curious, it hops into your camp. What do you do?
Slayer: …
Hunter: <snores pointedly>
Druid: Nobody tell him, we're all asleep.
DM: Do you pet it, feed it, chase it...
Hunter: Mate with it?
DM: Do you attempt to mate with it? Not you, Nick, your character.
Slayer: ….
DM: It merps.
Slayer: I feed it some boar meat.
DM: It says "Merp".
Slayer: Feed it some more?
DM: OK it eats its fill, and sleeps near you. You have befriended a slurk!
Druid: Are they special friends?
DM: This slurk has a bite attack of 2D6, it throws slime 30 feet that congeals like tar, and it can grease a section of ground as a full action as per the grease spell, but it isn't magical so it can't be dispelled!
Slayer: Wow!
Cavalier: Does it defend him if we attack?
DM: It could, if you got physical.
Hunter: No more slapping the slayer.

DM: You have made an important new ally in the boggard. He tells you exactly where to find the boar and the wyrm. And in return, he may ask you some favors.
Hunter: Great, we're gonna hafta whack some boggards.
Druid: Vive le revolution!
Slayer: (raises fist) Ribbit!

Hunter: I can set fire to the forest with Heat Lightning!
DM: You're a mixture of a druid and a ranger and devoted to Erastil…
Hunter: Fire is part of the natural cycle of the forest!
Druid: You're not.
Ranger: You're gonna get jumped by a fey.
Slayer: A bear fey, with a conical hat.
Hunter: And a shovel?
Slayer: "Only!You!Can!Prevent!Forest Fires!"

[Coventry]

Slayer: "Only!You!Can!Prevent!Forest Fires!"

Smokey The Bearbot lives!