Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VI: Good. Bad. I'm the one with the pun.

[Durandu Ran]

Background: This happened maybe five or six rounds into a fight with a barghest. My character, a paladin, had hit it once on an attack of opportunity and had completely whiffed all her other attacks, including multiple attack rolls of 22 vs. AC 23.


Paladin: "Iomedae, guide my sword!" (I roll a 16 and add +12 for 28 to hit)

DM: (rolls d100 for 20% miss chance and I watch in horror as it lands on 17) "Your sword passes through the empty air as the barghest blinks out of existence."

Paladin: "Well. I guess technically that still counts as guiding my sword."

[Personification]

Powder Keg: "How long's she going to be out?"
Rose: "Hard to say..." (*crit-success on healing check*)
GM: "The healing takes a hold immediately and makes a world of difference. Though still severe, her injuries no longer look absolutely disfiguring. However, her eyes snap open and slitted pupils recoil against the light."
Kirin prisoner: (snarling) "I'll beat you both apart. I'll take you both together!"
Powder Keg: "Guess not very long."
Kirin prisoner: (twitch) "Why won't my legs move?"
Powder Keg: "You've been mostly dead for about a quarter of an hour now."
Kirin prisoner: "Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on the ground? Where's Icefang?"
Rose: "Let me explain."
[Beat]
Rose: "No, there is too much. Let me sum up; I dug out this control chip from your neck. Icefang is with our other squad. We're here to free everyone from mind control. Ashtown is on fire. And we have maybe a little less than half an hour to get inside the main bunker before we die. So all we have to do is get in, break up the security, capture Hyper Thought, make our escape... after I kill Lord Polaris."

*Slow clap*

[Rater202]

Powder Keg: "How long's she going to be out?"
Rose: "Hard to say..." (*crit-success on healing check*)
GM: "The healing takes a hold immediately and makes a world of difference. Though still severe, her injuries no longer look absolutely disfiguring. However, her eyes snap open and slitted pupils recoil against the light."
Kirin prisoner: (snarling) "I'll beat you both apart. I'll take you both together!"
Powder Keg: "Guess not very long."
Kirin prisoner: (twitch) "Why won't my legs move?"
Powder Keg: "You've been mostly dead for about a quarter of an hour now."
Kirin prisoner: "Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on the ground? Where's Icefang?"
Rose: "Let me explain."
[Beat]
Rose: "No, there is too much. Let me sum up; I dug out this control chip from your neck. Icefang is with our other squad. We're here to free everyone from mind control. Ashtown is on fire. And we have maybe a little less than half an hour to get inside the main bunker before we die. So all we have to do is get in, break up the security, capture Hyper Thought, make our escape... after I kill Lord Polaris."

Digo, my friend... Have I told you, lately, that I love you...

..'re brain and/or those of whatever group this is?

[NRSASD]

@Durandu Ran: I feel your pain!

More CoS adventures:

Kenku ranger, who was on watch duty: "Creepy Greg is creepy, and now he's left our camp. He crept off while you're sleeping; he took my favorite lamp."

Druid: So, what's your name?
Sabertooth Tiger: I don't have one.
Druid: You don't have a concept of self?
Sabertooth Tiger: Oh, I understand the concept; I just don't think it applies to me.

Barkeep: What can I do for you?
Cleric: Just curious, is it local tradition to hurl children into the lake? Asking for a friend.

[Gallade]

(Group of Spriggans gets menacingly closer to the party, growing to Large size)
Ranger: "Don't worry, it's just a trick of the perspective."
Paladin: "You sure?"
Ranger: "Yeah, they only look like that when they're alive."

[Guizonde]

(Group of Spriggans gets menacingly closer to the party, growing to Large size)
Ranger: "Don't worry, it's just a trick of the perspective."
Paladin: "You sure?"
Ranger: "Yeah, they only look like that when they're alive."

suicidal confidence or reckless enthusiasm? you be the judge!

[KnotKnormal]

players: wait a second. did you just say the Owlbear "Flew" away?
DM: oh sh**... welp there's no taking it back now.

DM: Yes, everyone can freely leave the demon circle... except you.
Urhram: Oh sh**

[Necroticplague]

Gene: Shrug, demons are as chaotic as they are evil. It’s entirely possible ‘out of boredom to see what happens’ is the limit of its reasons.
Nesdu: And you’re just fine with a random lesser demon showing up on your doorstep?
Gene: Hey, I’m not gonna turn down a free intern.

[CrazyPenguin]

Here's sort of a "best of" from a 5e D&D campaign I've been playing in for a few months. I'm hoping to post more regular updates going forward, 'cause we do say a lot of weird stuff.

Spoiler: Characters

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A list of relevant characters:

• Anwar -- Human Beastmaster Ranger. Decided to be a Strength-based dual-wielder but still do stealth, because Rangers aren't dependent on enough stats as-is.
• Cadence -- Tabaxi bard. Massive furry, wants to collect as many animals as possible.
• Caldraeus -- Elf Blood Hunter. Really likes coffee and O'Reilly, doesn't give a s*** about anything else.
• Cronweiler -- Aasimar Dragon Sorcerer. Really hates it when you make the very obvious joke about his name.
• Garnet -- Dwarf Paladin. Betrayed us, because it turns out she was an Oathbreaker serving Tiamat.
• Karak -- Goliath Cleric of Kord. Didn't have cure wounds prepared until he hit level 4.
• Kujo -- Goliath Barbarian. Has made more grapple checks than attack rolls.
• Magnus -- Human Warlock. Unlike his namesake, he has done many things wrong.
• Nadar -- High Elf Arcane Trickster. Has a weird obsession with wearing a series of constantly-changing disguises.
• O'Reilly -- Human Druid. Like to harvest trophies from animals, and refuses to turn into anything that isn't a buffalo.
• Zuul -- A high-level NPC who hung around with the party for a while

Karak: “There has to be a better way to smuggle things than [shoving them up your ass]!”
DM: “Especially given the existence of, like, magic.”

O'Reilly: "I'd like to harvest [parts of literally any animal or animal-like creature we fight]."
Anwar: "Oh, oh, oh, O'Reillyyyy! Body parts!"

Nadar: "I don't see the problem! I gave him a gift!"
Anwar: "A gift you only knew he needed because you stalked him, and then proceeded to break into his room to leave while he was sleeping."
Nadar: "Your point?"

Anwar: "Listen, this party has a Bard, a Cleric, a Druid, and a Paladin. If we ever get to the point where the Ranger needs to heal, we're screwed anyway."
Cadence: "I only know healing word"
Karak: "And I don't have cure wounds prepared."
Anwar: "In that case, we deserve to die. I'm still not taking cure wounds."

DM: "You take one point of pun damage."

Anwar: "[My animal companion]'s Flaw is 'I eat any food that's left unattended.' Of course, she defines 'unattended' as 'not currently being looked at,' so keep an eye on your plates."

DM: "So, now that three party members have been knocked unconscious by hot peppers, can we move on?"

Anwar: "Cadence and I made a theoretical build that can go from 0 to 200 mph in six seconds. Want to hear it?"

DM: "Nadar, you're up."
Nadar: "Cool, I'd like to take this turn to change into a different disguise."
DM: "Not... attack?"
Nadar: "Nah."

Karak: "It's been three months, and I still haven't gotten to use this ability."
DM: "Why?"
Karak: "Because it triggers on a hit, and I haven't been hit yet."

Cadence: "I can use my onyx dog to summon a mastiff to knock them prone."
Anwar: "[My animal companion] can knock things prone with Pounce, as well."
O'Reilly: "And my buffalo form can do it on a Charge."
Anwar: "We'll have to be careful, though, because when you play the Game of Prones, you win or you die."

Kujo: "So [the Helmed Horrors] have resistance to damage from nonmagical weapons?"
DM: "Yeah."
Kujo: "And they're magically animated?"
DM: "Yeah?"
Kujo: "So if I picked one up and hit the other with it, would that count as a magic weapon?"
Caldraeus: "You have a magic sword."
Kujo: "What do you roll to grapple?"
Caldraeus: "OH FOR F***'S SAKE"

Nadar: "How could I have known shooting the carpet would hurt you?"
Anwar: "I WAS WRAPPED IN IT!"
Nadar: "So?"

DM: "There's one of those montages, where you guys are walking up the stairs and, like, progressively getting more tired or whatever. Except the only things that changes is Nadar has a completely different disguise on every time."
Anwar: "We never should have let him have that hat of disguise."
Nadar: "There's at least one where I'm just straight-up a humanoid Tiamat."

Cronweiler: "We could have had a massive horde of zombies to fight for us, but nooooo. You had to have morals because you're a Paladin.

DM: "You hear a voice above you from the darkness, speaking in deep, guttural sounds. Those of you who speak Deep Speech hear: 'Adventurers. Why have you come here, into my domain?'"
Anwar: "We're here to steal your stuff!"

DM: "So each Shield Guardian casts a fireball right... here. That gets everyone but Anwar"
Anwar: "Aw, man. I've been waiting for a chance to cast absorb elements!"
DM: "The rest of you need to make a Dex save or take 16d8 fire damage."
Anwar: "Actually, y'know what? This placement is fine, let's stick with it. Yeah."

Anwar: *gleefully* "Nadar's dead!"

Kujo: "I don't get it, why's the tapestry floating?"
Cronweiler: "A whole new wooooorld!"
Kujo: "Oh! It's a flying carpet!"

DM: "The words 'corpse' and 'explosion' don't usually go together, but that's the only way to describe the inside of that shop."

DM: "So while Anwar, Karak, Cromweiler, and Magnus look for survivors, the rest of you start looting?"
Caldraeus: "Yeah, pretty much."
DM: "These people were your friends!"
Caldraeus: "That's a mighty big assumption there. They were acquaintances at best, and now all their stuff is my stuff."

Anwar: "Yeah, sure great plan, but you're forgetting one thing: we're in a town full of corpses, and we just lost our 20th-level necromancer."

DM: "As you step outside, you see Kujo lying facedown in a pool of blood."
Caldraeus: "Sucks to be him, doesn't it?"

DM: "Looking up, you see it before you. A gigantic, crab-like construct, barrel-bodied, with six legs and a pair of claws. It's around five stories tall, you'd guess. A partially-broken glass sign sits in front of it, engraved with the words "Mega Apparatus of Kwalish."
*beat*
Kujo: "Dibs."

[TheYell]

GM: OK you're up. You're in a swarm of bats.
Hunter: I'm so hardcore I can stand it. I shoot him.
GM: You can't-- you take damage plus bleed damage for standing still!
Hunter: So what? I'm pissed.
GM: You are in a swarm-- you're going to aim and shoot with-- OK I'll allow it with a minus 6 to hit.
Hunter: OK. 18.
GM: Minus 6.
Hunter: Nope. My bonuses were six, so it's the die.
GM: Huh. Roll damage.
Hunter: IS THIS ME? IS THIS JOHN WAYNE?


Hunter: So my elk gains a point in INT; he learns 3 tricks; he gets a point in Linguistics and speaks Sylvan.
GM: Why??
Hunter: So he can scout and report!
GM: He can't!
Hunter: He can count up to three. He won't come back and say, "There's six archers, three fighters and what look to be three casters." He'd say, "Three men."
GM: Take Stealth, would make more sense.
Saint: Wait wait wait. As GM, will you allow it?
GM: Your party is messed up enough I'll allow it!
Hunter: We'll roleplay it.
GM: You better RP the heck out of it.
Hunter: We will. Right boy?
Elk: BARK!

Saint: I'll go with a wolverine, and raise its INT to the point it can cast spells!
GM: What?
Saint: Nobody will see that coming!
Hunter: So wait, we'll have a slurk, a giant wasp, a midget wizard riding a wolf, a talking elk, and a casting wolverine? Awesome!
Elk: BARK!

[Mr.Sandman]

As a note, we were playing Zombies, a usually competative card/ board game that has a campaign mode in the Deadtime Stories expansion.

Player 1: I always wanted to do Parkor with a car!


DM: And here I was thinking you guys couldn't break the campaign in a board game.

Player 1: You misunderestimate our skills.



Player 1: I catch the shot still glaring to stop them from attacking.



DM: How did you manage to break the DM in a COMPETETIVE CARD GAME?!

Player 2: It's all about deck building.

[Guizonde]

Hunter: So wait, we'll have a slurk, a giant wasp, a midget wizard riding a wolf, a talking elk, and a casting wolverine? Awesome!
Elk: BARK!

so... a slurk, a giant wasp, a midget wizard riding a wolf, a talking elk, and a casting wolverine all walk into a
elk: BARK!

sorry, i couldn't pass it up

[TheYell]

That's….bad

[genderlich]

Not a quote exactly, but my half-orc fighter, Ramona, killed a weird fey and got cursed so that flowers spring up wherever she walks. I was totally down to be the flower knight at first, until I realized.

Ramona.

Flowers.

I'd become a manic pixie dream girl.

[CrazyPenguin]

Spoiler: A Bit of Context

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Our party was so unreasonably large that we got a second DM and split up into two separate campaigns.

New Characters:
Balthasar: Drow Rogue/Hexblade Warlock -- A replacement for Nadar, who died in the last session before the split. His warlock patron is Nadar, who's soul has been trapped in a magic sword.

Anwar: "Our party's average AC is 17. Counting the sorcerer."

Anwar: "I am the Lorax, I kill for the trees."

DM: "Have you guys come up with a team name?"
Anwar: "I was thinking 'the Planeteers.'"
DM: "Why!?"
Anwar: "We have a Ranger, a Druid, a Tempest Cleric, and a Totem Barbarian. Assuming we can convince our new Paladin to go Ancients, the only non-nature themed party member will be Cronweiler."
Karak: "He can be Heart."

Balthasar: "I think we could take you."
Anwar: "We have an average party AC of 17, a Druid and Cleric to heal, and a Sorcerer for AOE. You have three rogues, your tank is a Monk, and your only healing spell is healing word."
Balthasar: "I still think we could take you."

Anwar: "We'll have to cover the Big M.A.K.* in houseplants."
Cronweiler: "Or just turn it into a zoo."
O'Reilly: "Crab tank zoo! Crab tank zoo!"

Anwar: "Ah, yes, stealth camels."

Cadence: "Could die, and then instantly wake up as a gnome."
Anwar: "Truly, there are fates worse than death."

Karak: "So you cut a deal with the Raven Queen, and she shoved your soul into a sword? That sucks, dude."
Nadar: "Nah, I'm just happy to continue doing good in the world, however I can."
Anwar: "You never once, in your entire life, did any good. Ever."

Nadar: "When and how did I ever hurt you guys!?"
Anwar: "Every day. Mentally and emotionally."

*The Mega Apparatus of Kwalish. It's like a regular Apparatus of Kwalish, only five stories tall.

[Guizonde]

Karak: "So you cut a deal with the Raven Queen, and she shoved your soul into a sword? That sucks, dude."
Nadar: "Nah, I'm just happy to continue doing good in the world, however I can."
Anwar: "You never once, in your entire life, did any good. Ever."

Nadar: "When and how did I ever hurt you guys!?"
Anwar: "Every day. Mentally and emotionally."

why do i get vibes from my own inquisitor josé coming from nadar? minus the gratuitous nudity and borderline addiction to throwing potatoes everywhere?

speaking of which:

josé: you can't prove any of my requisitions haven't been for the benefit of the group.
kami: says he wearing a toga made of requisitionned curtains.
grimm: ... actually, i'll let that particular requisition fly. that was for the benefit of the group. the day i don't see scrawny freaks naked ever again can't come soon enough.
kami and josé: *raspberry* prude.

Spoiler: dreaded context

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kami's a monk, who's only ever worn a very dirty pair of karate pants. josé's... cursed with being caught with his pants litterally down. so far this campaign, josé has cast more spells naked than clothed, and is at his 7th meeting with officials wearing little more than scenery. he's on his 5th different outfit, 14th pair of sunglasses, and 4th beret since the beginning of the campaign

[Lake Huron]

Dragonborn Paladin: We've faced liches, demons, dragons and nightmares from another dimension, but now we face our greatest ever foe... gentrification.

[Guizonde]

dm: KNIGHTS is not a system that cares about subtlety. you are friggin' badass heroes battling with depression.
baraz: wait, we're psychiatrists?
nick: no, we're lord byron in a mecha.

dm: do a combat roll to make love to the tree.

dm: so you're in lafayette-hausmann street if you know the city of paris.
leon: i don't.
nick: me neither.
baraz: i don't know it.
dm: good, that makes four of us.

[Astofel]

Me, about a recently petrified teammate: It's how he would have wanted to go... made rock-hard by a woman.

Also me, about the same teammate: He died as he lived. Stoned.

Bard: I make a snide comment implying he has small genitals.
DM: The cambion laughs because his dad was an incubus.

[RipTide]

Me pointing at two heterosexual male friends: "if those two hadn't made out just now we would all be dead."


While trying to save a woman from being burned at the stake for being a witch.

P1: I try to untie her without being seen, while working on the knot I say "Just pretend like you're still tied up"
"Witch": Speaks in gibberish
P1 to the party: "Guys I think shes actually a witch"


A little later trying to convince the mayor that his tests mean nothing

me: "So she failed the water test because she floats? Ducks float so are all ducks witches?"
Mayor: "Yes i would assume so."
me: "... your logic is inescapable."


A little later while using "holy water" to prove she isn't a witch

me: I dip my hand in the water and touch it to her head
GM: where you touch with the water starts to smoke a little
me: "Why are you actually a witch?!?!"
GM: of course shes a witch she failed all the mayors tests

[NRSASD]

A little later trying to convince the mayor that his tests mean nothing

me: "So she failed the water test because she floats? Ducks float so are all ducks witches?"
Mayor: "Yes i would assume so."
me: "... your logic is inescapable."


A little later while using "holy water" to prove she isn't a witch

me: I dip my hand in the water and touch it to her head
GM: where you touch with the water starts to smoke a little
me: "Why are you actually a witch?!?!"
GM: of course shes a witch she failed all the mayors tests

Logical next step: surreptitiously splash a duck with holy water. Just to be sure.

[Personification]

Logical next step: surreptitiously splash a duck with holy water. Just to be sure.

Logical step after that: Nuke them all from orbit, its the only way to be sure.

[CrazyPenguin]

Spoiler: Responses

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why do i get vibes from my own inquisitor josé coming from nadar? minus the gratuitous nudity and borderline addiction to throwing potatoes everywhere?

Suddenly, I feel really bad for your group.

me: "So she failed the water test because she floats? Ducks float so are all ducks witches?"
Mayor: "Yes i would assume so."
me: "... your logic is inescapable."

There's a Monty Python joke to be made here...

Our DM couldn't make it to last week's session, so the other group's organized a big non-canon multi-group PvP battle. Which is what these quotes are from:

Anwar: "Oh Captain, my Captain, what exactly was your strategy when you drafted three Rogues and no healers?"
Balthasar: "Damage."
Anwar: "Simple. It just might work."

Kujo: "We did it! We killed their Monk!"
Karak: "I think you mean I killed our Monk."

Anwar: "And, lo, Lethe went the way of all animal companions. Dying to an AOE in the second round of combat."

DM: "I fully expected there to be an AOE teamkill at some point. I just didn't think it'd be the Cleric."

Cronweiler: "Something seems off about this amount of damage."
Anwar: "Nah, man, Rogues are just like that."

Karak: "I swear to Kord, if I hear the words 'I cast absorb elements' one more time, I'm killing everybody in this room and then myself."

O'Reilly: "It's time."
Balthasar: "Time for what?"
O'Reilly: "Time for the v e l o c i r a p t o r . s w a r m.

Balthasar: "I can't believe you let Kujo die!"
Anwar: "If you wanted a healer you should have drafted the Cleric. Or the Druid. Or the Bard. My actions are for attacks and attacks only. Until I need to be healed, that is."

Anwar: "Just use your Cunning Action to run away, man. You can't kill [Cadence] with your off-hand attack, and one of them will kill you next turn."
Zote: "Nah, I'm gonna kill him!"
Balthasar: "No, you really aren't."
Zote: *rolls, doesn't do enough damage to kill him, is killed*
Zote: "I can't believe this! Why didn't you guys tell me I couldn't kill him!"

DM: "There's a moment where you both make eye contact. The tension between you is palpable. Then you both cast cure wounds on yourselves. Nothing else happens."

Anwar: "I cast absorb ele-"
Karak: "You cast absorb elements. Yeah, yeah, have your 1/4 of 3d8, you b******."

O'Reilly: "Something seems off about that amount of damage."
Anwar: "Nah, eldritch blast is just like that."

[Guizonde]

Suddenly, I feel really bad for your group.

don't worry, they do too. they were planning on bartering him, his life, and his soul in exchange of safe passage through hell just because he freaks out demons that much.

proof:

dm: you see josé flying through the air-
kami: as usual...
dm: -and teabag the balor.
kami: that's... unusual.
dm: ... i'm giving the balor insanity points for that one.
korinn: great, for once it doesn't happen to us after his stunts!

horde of demons: you give the evil alignment a bad name! *runs away*
josé: i'm... flattered, i think?
grimm: i'm very, very, very conflicted right now. *readies yet another smite evil on josé*

[Merlin]

Our party was in an Elven spa/bathhouse at the time.
Artificer: "I'll pay extra for the redhead to feed me grapes."
Everybody: "......."

[DigoDragon]

Rose: "It's alright, Chrysalis. Magic performance issues aside, there's a pill for that."

GM: "Now, witness the power of this fully operational lying down position!"

[Guizonde]

baraz: where's nick?
leon: probably snorting illegal substances off of a groupie's rear-end.
nick: uh guys, i'm like 5 meters in front of you, taking point as you asked...
baraz: we did?
leon: sorry, we're not used to you being professionnal at anything but being a rock star.

nick: oh crud, i found a lot of you know what.
leon: i'll donkey punch baraz before he figures out we're in a penumbra manufacturing lab.
baraz: DID SOMEONE SAY PENUMBRA?!
nick and leon: crap.

baraz: ok! i'm flying the chopper!
nick: i'm shotgun on the gatling gun!
leon: *giant frikkin' laser beam of death* starboard side is clear of all flying hostiles.
baraz: ... DO IT AGAIN! DO IT AGAIN!!
nick: dm, are you sure i can't strap leon to the underside of my shotgun?

[Telonius]

Cassandra: Look, Ollie doesn't have all that many dogmas or creeds or anything. But one of the few sayings is this: Know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to Teleport the ^&*( out of there.

[DigoDragon]

Rose: "I told her to buy me dinner, but apparently I'm on the menu."

Longshot: "Thanks to me, Rose gets to keep her innards in the lunchbox."

Love: "Rose, leave the Clone-Loves alone! They look like me. It's weird!"
Rose: "I'm trying but they all want a tasty bite of me!"
Love: "You can hit them. Just don't hit on them!"
Rose: "I assure you, my swag is in the off position!"

[Astofel]

Cedric: Hey, do you guys have a ruler or something? We have an important warning they might want to hear.
Kobold: Yes! We have four kings! I can take you to one of them if you want.
Cedric: Do they ever convene or anything? Can I see them all at once?
Kobold: They sometimes convene to denounce each other as impostors and try to kill each other.
Cedric: Alright, whatever, just take me to your favourite king then.
Kobold: Hmm, my favourite king... Oh, I know, what about- no wait, he ordered me to do something the other day. Hmm, I could pick- no, he's bossy too. I know! I will be king! King Krikka, first of his name! Tell me your warning, big one!
Rister: Oh great, now they have five kings.

As an aside, almost the entire group now loves King Krikka and would die for him.