Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VI: Good. Bad. I'm the one with the pun.

[CrazyPenguin]

Spoiler: Responses

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As an aside, almost the entire group now loves King Krikka and would die for him.

All hail King Krikka! May his reign be long and prosperous!

don't worry, they do too. they were planning on bartering him, his life, and his soul in exchange of safe passage through hell just because he freaks out demons that much.

That certainly is... creative. We just let Nadar get killed. In hindsight, we probably should have looked for something more final.

Anyway, a few quotes from a game I'm running for a group of (mostly) new players and one veteran:

Spoiler: Characters

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• Ella, Tiefling Fighter. Doesn't talk much.
• Fishnet, Tiefling Bard. Choose bard because 'they're the ones that seduce things.'
• Goochie, Kobold Wizard: His character concept was the phrase "Great Wizard, Small Lizard." At an impressive 1'11", he's short for a kobold.
• Limerick, Wood Elf Rogue. Acts more like a ranger than a rogue, confuses the DM by being named after poetry but not being the Bard.
• Todd, Dragonborn Sorcerer. Is really, really enthusiastic about being a dragon, and confused about literally everything else.
• Zephaniah Stone, Orc Barbarian. Is a first-level character who insists upon being called "Swallower of Universes."

DM: "I'll allow you to call your character Gucci, but only if you accept it either being spelled 'Goochie' or pronounced 'Gucky.'

DM: "So only one of you has all their mental stats above 10? Fun!"
Fishnet: "Why fun?"
DM: "Bad decision making is fun for me. And maybe you. Mostly me, though."

DM: "Please stop breaking in to this man's house."
Zephaniah: "How else should we get in?"
DM: "I dunno, knock? You were invited."

DM: "You all smell sewage."
Goochie: "I rolled a 22 for Stealth!"
DM: "You also spent an hour crawling around in raw sewage

DM: "He hands [Goochie] the map."
Goochie: "Really? He just met me, how does he know I'm the smart one."
DM: "He doesn't, but the Insight DC to determine 'everyone in this party except the kobold is an idiot' is, like, 2."

Goochie: "And now, we will be attacked by three goblins!"
DM: "Four arrows fly out of the bushes at you."

Goochie: "Guys, we're never allowed to go outside during the day ever again."

Limerick: "I hide in the bushes."
DM: "And then what? Shoot at the goblins?"
Limerick: "Nah, I want to find a mouse and make him my friend."

DM: "You'll run out of transcendentalists to name small animals after eventually."

Fishnet: "It's okay to steal things if you want them."

[HalfTangible]

Oldie but goodie:

"And THAT'S how we got a sweet deal on a pair of mattresses and destroyed the world in the process."

[DeTess]

DM: you know, I've been trying to design the encounters to be roughly balanced to your abilities. However, apparently even encounters rating at octuple deadly don't slow you down, so this time I'll just give the boss every ability she's supposed to have according to the lore and I'll leave it up to you to worry about balance.
Party: *takes one round more than usual to smash the encounter*

[Braininthejar2]

"So you got yourself turned into a living statue to impress a girl? First you get the mass, then you get body sculpture?"

[RipTide]

Uhruhm: No don't worry about getting a lead lined helmet for me, the one I have is #HellaMagical, it will protect me.

Crya (ooc): Wait did you just say "Hashtag"?

Grythrum (ooc): Yea I'm gonna insight check that on principle

(Rolls nat 1)

Grythrum: Yep that helmet sure is #HellaMagical

[TheTeaMustFlow]

Xanaphir: This session I've been Thorn Whipped, Vamp'ed and now you're putting me in a little box. Anyone want to blindfold me and get me some fluffy handcuffs while we're at it?
Zoran: Technically it's a sphere. And since you mention it, I do have a free casting of fabricate left...

[Marywn]

P2: Atleast she's a female so the word mount isn't as bad.
Me:I found another word.
P3: What is it?
Me: It's cotch...*I look up what cotch means and realize I made i huge mistake*
P2: What does it mean.
Me: To come from behind and grab.*Slams face into desk.*

[Guizonde]

giant rabbit: children, no smothering werewolves to death with your body weight. it's uncouth.
werewolf suffocating by cuteness: i'm "couthing" for breath right now!

[Rater202]

Svetlana, of course, can't do much right now, as she's busy suppressing the memories of several small children that she strangled and ate a century and a half ago.

"The seasons... The sun, the wind, the rain... The stars, every man, woman and child... Every beast, every tree, Molecules and atoms... Protons and Electrons... Quarks... Superstring... information... I can see it--the memories, the base information and facts of all of reality... It's mine to command, mine to edit and change as I see fit... Here I am, born to be a King... The Future in my hand... I am Strong. I am Tough... I'm invincible. I am Sarah Smith, The Narrative Girl! I am The Walrus!"

[Joe the Rat]

DM: "The good news is you dumped the kid with the Travelers. The bad news is you picked up two more kids. And a goat."

[Personification]

Svetlana, of course, can't do much right now, as she's busy suppressing the memories of several small children that she strangled and ate a century and a half ago.

"The seasons... The sun, the wind, the rain... The stars, every man, woman and child... Every beast, every tree, Molecules and atoms... Protons and Electrons... Quarks... Superstring... information... I can see it--the memories, the base information and facts of all of reality... It's mine to command, mine to edit and change as I see fit... Here I am, born to be a King... The Future in my hand... I am Strong. I am Tough... I'm invincible. I am Sarah Smith, The Narrative Girl! I am The Walrus!"

Coo coo cachou?

[Rater202]

Coo coo cachou?

Yes, that is one of several references made in that manic rant what proceded a vision quest.

[Guizonde]

we're nearing page fifty, i'm gonna make a suggestion for the next thread.

Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: The Fourth Wall is not a valid target.

[Personification]

we're nearing page fifty, i'm gonna make a suggestion for the next thread.

I think many of these would work well:

I especially like the following:
Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: "This quote is often falsely attributed to Mark Twain."
Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: "The editors of Bartlett's Familiar Quotations are a bunch of cowards who don't have the guts to print this." [probably too wordy, but still]
Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: "Sent from my iPhone"

I also like Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: Reply With Quote

[TherianTheorist]

"Admit defeat now, and become my servant. If you do, I'll give you a salt-lick, I'll even remember your name, and won't hunt or eat you for a month?"

And another gem from that character; "Eye contact and sorting out dominance it is, then."

[DigoDragon]

Darwin: "God tried to make a second Yogi Bear, but he made a Boo-boo."

Samuel: "Why does your droid have pointy ears?"
DM: "He's a Spock-bot."
Darwin: "That's Data-bot, thank you very much. Data was infinitely cooler."
DM: "Hey now, let's not get illogical here."

Samuel: "She's just eczema with with wings."

DM: "The pit boss only sees your neck and upper-chest."
Winter: "I hunch down so he can see my face."
DM: "This is decidedly worse."

Darwin: "Do we want to be noble, or do we want to be ourselves?"

[Rater202]

Darwin: "God tried to make a second Yogi Bear, but he made a Boo-boo."

God damn it, Digo.

Anyway, another outof context quote

*Confused Walrus Noises*

[Avista]

Villager: My child was kidnapped by kobolds!

Party: What's your kid's name?

Villager: Tucker!!

Party: ...well, we're not getting him back.

[Rater202]

"Oh, God this is worse than the time I tried acid in NYC and woke up the next day in a ditch in Arizona. You, pinkie. Explain."

[CrazyPenguin]

Anwar: "Hey O'Reilly, try calling the rest of the party on the magic mirror."
O'Reilly: "I scream and start bashing random machinery with my staff."
Anwar: "Okay then. Later? Later."

Cujo: "I found a door!"
Anwar: "Oh, cool! Show me."
DM: "Do you show him the hangar doors or the M.A.K. doors?"
Cujo: "The giant hangar doors."
DM: "You could see those before. They're five stories tall."
Anwar: *patting Cujo on the head* "Good job!"

Anwar: "They don't have enough power to open a door, and you thought the elevator would work?"

DM: "Fine, you can have a Pip-Boy."

Anwar: "It's the lovechild of an Apparatus of Kwalish and the Starship Enterprise."

O'Reilly: "I'm Captain Kirk!"

M.A.K. AI: "The armory contains energy shields and blades; laser pistols and rifles; antimatter rifles; and fragmentation, concussion, smoke, and flashbang grenades."
Anwar: "I have no idea what any of that means, so I'm going to assume it's impressive."

Anwar: "Let's not have Cujo carry the incredibly delicate and volatile machinery."
Karak: "Why?"
Anwar: "I don't trust him not to use it as a bludgeoning weapon."

Anwar: "Karak, come over here and help me with this. Cujo, stand by the door and scream if something starts to eat you."
DM: "He'll take that literally, you know."
Anwar: "Good! I intended him to."

DM: "An alarm blares out: SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE INITIATED. TIMER: 30 MINUTES."
Karak: "That's not too bad."
DM: "It took you 25 minutes to get here."
Karak: "S*** F*** EVERYBODY RUN!"

Anwar: "Conjure animals, or as I like to call it, conjure ablative armor.

DM: "Cujo, roll Intelligence."
Cujo: "2."
DM: "You want to use the power cell as a bludgeon."
Anwar: "See! I told you!"

Karak: "I cast shatter with a third-level slot, and use Destructive Wrath to maximize the damage."
DM: "Thaaaaat instantly kills every spider."
Cronweiler: "Well, I'm sure feeling superfluous."

O'Reilly: "I want to be captain!"
Cronweiller: "No, I have the highest Charisma. I need to be captain."
Anwar: "Guys, guys. Clearly [panther animal companion] is the captain."
O'Reilly: "Yeah, no, that's fair."
Cronweiler: "I'll accept that."

[PastorofMuppets]

Rotag-half orc fighter
Llandor -half elf Druid, also Horc’s half brother but they don’t know yet.

Llandor- I pay for another round of drinks.

GM- all your cash is in the bag of holding right? (Rolls a die and smiles).

Chicken- Bwak?

GM- Instead of the coins you plop a confused chicken on the bar.

Llandor - ...WTF?

Rotag - ... why did you put a chicken in our bag?

Barkeep- what kind of place do you think this is? You pay with real money or you don’t drink, no bartering livestock.

Llandor - I didn’t! It just happened when I went for the money look! ( reaches for money, die roll, gets chicken)

Chicken Jr. - Bu Bu Buk

Rotag- quit screwing around give me the bag, ( reaches in, die roll, gets the money) Here (pays the barkeep for the next round)

Llandor- wha..? But? Why did you?

Barkeep- You druids have a weird sense of humor.

Llandor- It’s no joke! The bag just gives me chickens! See! (Reaches in bag, die roll, pulls out a crossbow)

Rotag - ( takes the crossbow) I don’t know why you put those in there but those bags don’t have much air, if they die and stink it up it you’re fixing it.

Llandor - I didn’t put any chickens in there! It’s just Making the chickens Look! ( reaches into bag three times, three die rolls, Pulls out three more non chicken things; case of crossbow bolts, rope, map)

Barkeep- is my bar the best place for all your crap to pile up?

Unattended First Chicken - (fails a jump and crashes into a shelf of bottles )Bwaaaak!

Barkeep - Handle those damned things!

Rotag- fine, (shoots both with the Heavy Crossbow making a bit of a bloody feathered mess) they are handled, happy?

Barkeep - (angry glare)

Llandor- no need for any problems I’ll pay for the damage and cleanup, here you go, all better? ( reaches into bag for some money, die roll, does not retrieve money)

Chicken the Third - Buk?

Barkeep - Get the hell out.


Minor context, we had just acquired a not exactly cursed item, the Bag of Holding Chickens and also had not identified it properly. It is exactly the same as a bag of holding but with the added bonus of a chance that sometimes instead of your intended item you draw a live and often mildly confused chicken.

[Personification]

Hubuscus (all of the "u"s are pronounced like the word "you") is the bard, he plays a clarinet.

Me (DM): You walk into the bar and everyone stops talking and turns to look at you silently. Then one guy at the back points at [Hubuscus] and says "HUUUU! That was the guy with the...the...the... *snaps fingers repeatedly*... flute thingy! That was good..."
Peren Stormwind (OOC): you sound like a drunk college student.
Me: Excellent, exactly what I was hoping for!

[Calthropstu]

While discussing ways to negate evil actions to fix a fallen paladin:

LE monk: I hear you are what you eat, so eating good people should make you a good person.

Later:
DM (me): You come into a cavern filled with about a hundred wights. One wight stands on a podium giving a speech to the others.
Necromancer: Do they pump their fists in the air and shout "WIGHT POWER?"

[HalfTangible]

1: "Arm cannon babies are totally going to be my [military in the next game]"
2: "Ignore the crying, that the baby's battle cry"
3: "I no longer feel remorse for splitting families apart over jingoism, racism, and (admittedly justified) xenophobia."

[Guizonde]

dm: a prude player and guizonde playing a keith richards expy at the same table. i see no problem whatsoever with this plan.
krueger: don't forget the overly gritty assassin.
baraz: or the totally not a junkie scientist.
leon: i am way too teetotaller to even think about what will happen... i'll just record it all for posterity.
prude: does this mean we're gonna have fun?
guizonde/ nick: you flinched when you heard my character's name. i'll be having fun. you'll be gaining insanity points irl.
leon: won't we all?
krueger: is there any other reason to play?

nick: ok, going into a warzone with a shotgun, an smg, and a really big sword. i feel kind of underdressed.
krueger: i've got a stabby knife.
prude: i've got my uniform's pistol.
dm: don't know about you, nick, but they're underdressed.
nick: i'm so getting a flamethrower and leon as a bayonet next time we're in kaamelott.

krueger: i cast "stab in the crotch like my life depends on it"!

prude: do i gain a proficiency in jet-ski?
dm: not in istanbul, you don't.
nick: it's pronounced constantinople.

krueger: must. resist. urge. to. go. full. shonen
nick and dm: weeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaab!

[redjinx]

"Can I roll to figure out if we can kill the rhinoceros?"
"Sure, but I'm gonna tell you right now, you can't kill the rhinoceros."
---
"You even tried to steal the vegetables? That's it. I'm locking you out there with the zombie cows."

[Kyrell1978]

"I'm about to eat his ass"

[Guizonde]

on the creation of my new homebrew campaign.

future player: wait, you're encouraging me to be as sociopathically cold-blooded as i can be? what kind of game are you running?!
VN: the best kind of game. hell, i created monsanto and committed 7 genocides in my first playthrough!
future player: best universe ever!

VB: wait, i get to play with the legendary VN?
me: yup, and farren as well.
VB: my boner has died and gone to heaven.

me: hey, farren, wanna dive back into the dalarium?
farren: ...
me: i'll take that as a yes.
farren: *aims down imaginary sights* sorry, getting back in character.

me: so, yeah, we're composing music for this oddball universe.
dj: the thing that mixes fallout, 40k, film noir, cyberpunk and monsanto?
me: uh, i guess when you put it like that...
dj: dude. i'm so in. think of the riffs, man, think of the riffs!

future player: can i play a barbarian with a very big stick?
me: would you settle for a giant monkey wrench?
future: you had me at "giant monkey wrench".

Spoiler: dreaded context

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for anyone wondering, it's the same universe as my posts regarding the yolo's and EDWAAAAAAAAARD!! it's kind of like a supergroup of both campaigns. i am bloody stoked, and waiting for the enemies of the team to be bloody soaked in fear.

[CosmicHobbit]

"I don't know man, this is a fine cut of Troll."

"Guys! We need to find Floon. Floon backwards is noolF, and noolF rhymes with idiot! And idiot and innocent both start with I, meaning all idiots are innocent! However, intelligent also begins with I! Therefore, all intelligent people are innocent as well! That means that all people which are neither idiots nor innocent are guilty! The commoners are keeping Floon in their collective basements!"

"So let me get this straight...the party is made up of Kansas, Nevada, North Carolina, Wyoming, and Texas?"

"I'm chugging the barrel of ale."
"That'll kill you."
"Never mind, I'm chugging 1/4 of the barrel."

"One moment I'm hunting turkeys, the next I'm here?!"

[Avista]

"Guys! We need to find Floon. Floon backwards is noolF, and noolF rhymes with idiot! And idiot and innocent both start with I, meaning all idiots are innocent! However, intelligent also begins with I! Therefore, all intelligent people are innocent as well! That means that all people which are neither idiots nor innocent are guilty! The commoners are keeping Floon in their collective basements!"

I want to know what situation led to this..