Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

[Anonymouswizard]

Is it your first time meeting her face-to-face? It's natural to feel anxious at such times-- just try to relax and enjoy spending time with her, and have fun.

Not first time, we were in the same society at uni, but first time since starting this relationship. Will be meeting her patents though, so that's unsettling. As is the not really knowing French.


With regards to dating sites, it's hard. My humour doesn't really work online, so when I used one I ended up with a success rate of maybe 3% by actually trying to start a conversation. Yes, out is hard making it clear you've read their profile instead of picking a random topic, which is why I liked to pick something hidden in the middle of a paragraph.

As somebody who received several messages from men I rather would not have, don't message asking for casual sex if they've specifically said they aren't interested. I mean, when I'm not teasing my girlfriend I know I'm not an unattractive man, but a first message that consists of 'hey, wanna ****' is hella creepy.

[Anymage]

As somebody who received several messages from men I rather would not have, don't message asking for casual sex if they've specifically said they aren't interested. I mean, when I'm not teasing my girlfriend I know I'm not an unattractive man, but a first message that consists of 'hey, wanna ****' is hella creepy.

Ehh. I'm a little leery of this advice. Partially because any normal person already knows that being gross as your first introduction is bad form, partially because too many people try to overcorrect for offensiveness by becoming overly bland. Plus, there does come a time when someone has to make a move and upgrade to innuendo. The first message isn't the place for it, but it isn't an automatic "never do this".

(Plus, if you think the average message is "wanna ****", then "you like X? That's cool. I like X too. What's your favorite X?" seems like a reasonable thing that would stand out. The former does happen, but keeping in mind that the latter is a lot more common will help people avoid thinking that boring messages are good messages.)

Good luck on meeting your french girl, BTW. As someone who's tried his hand at distance a couple of times, it's always interesting seeing how internet flirting changes when the people are in a room together.

[Crow]

When you message somebody for the first time, you can be lazy about it, or you can make an effort.

If you aren't willing to make the effort, are you really interested in this person at all?

Write the first message as if you were writing a short letter that you plan to send to a potential pen pal through snail mail. Nothing epic; just a complete paragraph or two imagining you might not hear back from them for a while. Make it interesting to read, and present yourself as somebody who will be interesting to talk to, rather than as some random NPC who happens to share an interest. Read what you've written and ask yourself if it is engaging.

Of course if you'd rather spam vapid garbage and go for quantity over quality, that's fine too; but don't be surprised if you get a lot of trite responses in return, if that.

[Anonymouswizard]

Ehh. I'm a little leery of this advice. Partially because any normal person already knows that being gross as your first introduction is bad form, partially because too many people try to overcorrect for offensiveness by becoming overly bland. Plus, there does come a time when someone has to make a move and upgrade to innuendo. The first message isn't the place for it, but it isn't an automatic "never do this".

Sure, I was just recounting something I learnt happens during my experiences on the site as a bisexual man (because I'm interested in both genders I must be interested in casual sex, despite specifically saying I'm not on my profile).

I wasn't saying there's never a place for that, but it's with people who a) haven't specifically noted they don't want it, and b) not immediately.

(Plus, if you think the average message is "wanna ****", then "you like X? That's cool. I like X too. What's your favorite X?" seems like a reasonable thing that would stand out. The former does happen, but keeping in mind that the latter is a lot more common will help people avoid thinking that boring messages are good messages.)

I know that, but I personally only received first messages of 'hi' and 'wanna ****'. I mean I fell into the trap of the second message, somewhat, but I still think it's better to send a message that won't stand out compared to one that'll make you look bad. Maybe it says a lot about the kind of men I attract.

Good luck on meeting your french girl, BTW. As someone who's tried his hand at distance a couple of times, it's always interesting seeing how internet flirting changes when the people are in a room together.

Thank you, it's getting scarier the closer it gets. Hopefully this is like theatre, and the nerves will disappear once I'm actually on stage.

[Anymage]

Sure, I was just recounting something I learnt happens during my experiences on the site as a bisexual man (because I'm interested in both genders I must be interested in casual sex, despite specifically saying I'm not on my profile).

I wasn't saying there's never a place for that, but it's with people who a) haven't specifically noted they don't want it, and b) not immediately.

I know that, but I personally only received first messages of 'hi' and 'wanna ****'. I mean I fell into the trap of the second message, somewhat, but I still think it's better to send a message that won't stand out compared to one that'll make you look bad. Maybe it says a lot about the kind of men I attract.

Two things.

First, the sort of person who'll shotgun every remotely attractive person with "DTF?" and the sort of person who'll ask for advice are generally completely different people. As such, there isn't much point to telling the latter something meant for the former. That just leads to overcorrection. (Also, as far as saying "don't message me if you just want a hookup", a piece of advice you hear from everybody who's done profile advice for a while is that there isn't much you can say in a profile to dissuade someone who doesn't read it. Trying to appeal to compatible people is a much better goal than trying to filter out incompatible people, and certainly better than trying to dissuade people who wouldn't bother to read it in the first place. But that's off topic, except insofar as it ties back to the idea of trying to be specifically targeted instead of going for mass-market appeal.)

Second, while you've probably seen more messages from tasteless people, I've seen more people who let excessive scrupulosity hamstring them. That's what I try to tailor my advice to, keeping in mind that someone who's asking for advice is more likely to be someone who takes it to heart.

Thank you, it's getting scarier the closer it gets. Hopefully this is like theatre, and the nerves will disappear once I'm actually on stage.

Just remember the old public speaking trick. When you get nervous, just picture her in her underwear.

[Anonymouswizard]

Just remember the old public speaking trick. When you get nervous, just picture her in her underwear.

You mean I have to stop at underwear?

[ve4grm]

You mean I have to stop at underwear?

I mean, you could always picture her parents in their underwear, but that seems inappropriate...

What is the best way to do first messages online? My approach has led to 1 response out of the last 100 people, so clearly I an doing it wrong.

Everyone is 95% and up.

Usual messages are along the lines of: "Hello!

I see you like hiking as well. What is your favorite hike?"

Then nothing.

Ok, so you're clearly on the right path, but stopping too short. Right here, you're asking a generic question. Show that you know the topic. How about:

Hello fellow hiking enthusiast! I was out on the <Trail X> last weekend. Got some beautiful pictures. Have you ever been?

Or be silly about it. If you can make them laugh, they're more likely to respond as well.

Oh, you Poor Unfortunate Soul! I'd offer to show you a Whole New World, but that'd be getting One Jump Ahead of myself. Maybe you Want to Build a Snowman? Or you rather hang out with just the Bare Necessities? Well if you Wish Upon a Star, then a Friend Like Me might be Just Around the Riverbend...

Ideally, as has been said, mention more than one topic as well.

[Tvtyrant]

I mean, you could always picture her parents in their underwear, but that seems inappropriate...





Ok, so you're clearly on the right path, but stopping too short. Right here, you're asking a generic question. Show that you know the topic. How about:

Hello fellow hiking enthusiast! I was out on the <Trail X> last weekend. Got some beautiful pictures. Have you ever been?

Or be silly about it. If you can make them laugh, they're more likely to respond as well.

Oh, you Poor Unfortunate Soul! I'd offer to show you a Whole New World, but that'd be getting One Jump Ahead of myself. Maybe you Want to Build a Snowman? Or you rather hang out with just the Bare Necessities? Well if you Wish Upon a Star, then a Friend Like Me might be Just Around the Riverbend...

Ideally, as has been said, mention more than one topic as well.

Thank you! I appreciate the help :)

[Anonymouswizard]

I mean, you could always picture her parents in their underwear, but that seems inappropriate...

Hehe, very funny.


But yegods, my stepmum just gave me the 'don't get her pregnant' talk today. she lives in France, if we do decide to do anything how hard would it be to pick up protection!?

Mental note: protection does not refer to full plate in this instance.

[ve4grm]

Hehe, very funny.


But yegods, my stepmum just gave me the 'don't get her pregnant' talk today. she lives in France, if we do decide to do anything how hard would it be to pick up protection!?

Mental note: protection does not refer to full plate in this instance.

I mean, it's France, not a backwater dictatorship...

Apparently the term is "le préservatif" but she'll know better.

And you can always buy a small pack before you go, just in case. It might be awkward if she finds them, but a quick explanation that you weren't sure what would happen and wanted to be prepared for any eventuality should fix that.

[Anymage]

...Ideally, as has been said, mention more than one topic as well.

That's actually the opposite of what was said, and with good reason.

The more there is in your message, the more that the other person will feel compelled to touch on each point that you raise. The big issue, as mentioned above, is that in your first message you're just some internet stranger and you have no idea where their head is or how much brainpower they have available when they see your message. As such, short and simple (while remaining open-ended) makes you easy to get right back to. The more thought and effort it takes to respond, the more likely you are to be put on the back burner and eventually forgotten entirely.

[ve4grm]

That's actually the opposite of what was said, and with good reason.

The more there is in your message, the more that the other person will feel compelled to touch on each point that you raise. The big issue, as mentioned above, is that in your first message you're just some internet stranger and you have no idea where their head is or how much brainpower they have available when they see your message. As such, short and simple (while remaining open-ended) makes you easy to get right back to. The more thought and effort it takes to respond, the more likely you are to be put on the back burner and eventually forgotten entirely.

That's fair, but I think there are different extremes to this. Overly focusing on one thing can result in the person thinking (as Anonymouswizard mentioned) that you picked a single interest and didn't really read the profile to get an idea of them as a whole.

I think 2-3 things (no more, as you are right it should be short-ish) is a good number, without hitting either extreme.

[Astral Avenger]

Life is good, I just want someone to share it with. (Wouldn't say no to a winning lottery ticket either, but that's a different issue)

[In4Dimensions]

So, this may sound cliché’d, but here goes:

There’s this girl at my school who I’ve known for many years and who I’m attracted to. Problem is, I’m terrible at reading people, so I don’t know her (exact) feelings towards me. We’re best of friends, and I regard her as more than that, but I don’t know if she feels the same way. In years past, we’ve both said that we don’t “like” each other, but that wasn’t entirely true in my case. If I hadn’t said that, though, she and the rest of our shared friend group would have been pretty suspicious, and I probably would have lost a friend. It’s entirely possible that if I was not telling the entire truth, then neither was she. We’ve had a few date-like excursions before, like going to the movies or getting ice cream and taking a walk around our town’s arboretum.

Any advice, oh wise Playgrounders? General tips, ideas, or suggestions?

[Crow]

So, this may sound cliché’d, but here goes:

There’s this girl at my school who I’ve known for many years and who I’m attracted to. Problem is, I’m terrible at reading people, so I don’t know her (exact) feelings towards me. We’re best of friends, and I regard her as more than that, but I don’t know if she feels the same way. In years past, we’ve both said that we don’t “like” each other, but that wasn’t entirely true in my case. If I hadn’t said that, though, she and the rest of our shared friend group would have been pretty suspicious, and I probably would have lost a friend. It’s entirely possible that if I was not telling the entire truth, then neither was she. We’ve had a few date-like excursions before, like going to the movies or getting ice cream and taking a walk around our town’s arboretum.

Any advice, oh wise Playgrounders? General tips, ideas, or suggestions?

Be honest with this girl, and clear up any ambiguity. Get it all out in the open. If she doesn't view you like that, *accept* it, and don't try to hang on hope that she'll "come around" some day.

If you can truly accept the answer that you don't want to hear, and she is a good friend, you will still be friends once it is all out in the open.

If you're worried that telling her might "ruin" this great friendship that you have, you should to take a step back and ask yourself how good of friends you really are. Honesty and openness enhance friendships; not ruin them.

[In4Dimensions]

Be honest with this girl, and clear up any ambiguity. Get it all out in the open. If she doesn't view you like that, *accept* it, and don't try to hang on hope that she'll "come around" some day.

If you can truly accept the answer that you don't want to hear, and she is a good friend, you will still be friends once it is all out in the open.

If you're worried that telling her might "ruin" this great friendship that you have, you should to take a step back and ask yourself how good of friends you really are. Honesty and openness enhance friendships; not ruin them.

Yeah, you’re probably right. Just... *sighs* I’m the kind of person that’s overly cautious. Doing/saying something where I won’t have a clue of what people’s reactions will be, even if it’s the best thing to do or say, is anathema to me.

[Crow]

Yeah, you’re probably right. Just... *sighs* I’m the kind of person that’s overly cautious. Doing/saying something where I won’t have a clue of what people’s reactions will be, even if it’s the best thing to do or say, is anathema to me.

Well it gets easier with practice, and you will feel a massive load off your shoulders once you've done it.

[Anonymouswizard]

I mean, it's France, not a backwater dictatorship...

Apparently the term is "le préservatif" but she'll know better.

And you can always buy a small pack before you go, just in case. It might be awkward if she finds them, but a quick explanation that you weren't sure what would happen and wanted to be prepared for any eventuality should fix that.

Thanks to both you and the person who sent me the private message on this topic. Despite it being a joke, I do appreciate the advice.

I mean, I was planning to buy a couple just in case a week or two ago, but I seat that nobody near me sells the things, even Boots (I spent a good twenty minutes checking). Maybe I'll see if I can get a few between now and when my train leaves, but breakfast is more important.

EDIT: 100% agreeing with telling her and being honest. What's the worst that can happen? Well a lot of rather bad and painful stuff, but more realistically she decides she doesn't want to be friends with you. More likely than that is your friendship changing but not ending, as honestly being dishonest is the worst thing for any relationship.

You might be lucky, and have a girlfriend at the end of this. She might also decide/realise that she's attracted to you later, although this is highly unlikely.

But in my view, if somebody can't appreciate you deciding to be honest then it's not worth your tone being friends with them. So of she decides to end the friendship spend some time moping if you need to then move on, find a new friend, and find a new girl.

I recommend one who lives in your country.

[LeSwordfish]

That's fair, but I think there are different extremes to this. Overly focusing on one thing can result in the person thinking (as Anonymouswizard mentioned) that you picked a single interest and didn't really read the profile to get an idea of them as a whole.

I think 2-3 things (no more, as you are right it should be short-ish) is a good number, without hitting either extreme.

I saw it described as, match the length of the other person's profile. If they write about a hundred things, touch on several of them. If all they say is "i like trains", don't do a ten-page essay on Trains You Have Known.

[dehro]

Thanks to both you and the person who sent me the private message on this topic. Despite it being a joke, I do appreciate the advice.

I mean, I was planning to buy a couple just in case a week or two ago, but I seat that nobody near me sells the things, even Boots (I spent a good twenty minutes checking). Maybe I'll see if I can get a few between now and when my train leaves, but breakfast is more important.

Spoiler: Ignore the nay-sayers. Full plate remains a viable option

Show

[Form]

What is the best way to do first messages online? My approach has led to 1 response out of the last 100 people, so clearly I an doing it wrong.

Yeah, online dating is pretty **** for men. To be fair, women have their own particular problems they have to put up with (which I won't go into here as others can probably do so better), but investing vast amounts of time and effort into dating with little to no return on that investment is pretty much the way dating is for men. Online dating in particular. Simply having an attractive profile picture is probably your best bet. When it comes to messaging, I'm not so sure anymore if reading women's profiles and carefully crafting messages based on that is the way to go since I think you'll have a fairly low response rate either way as a guy. Writing a fairly general message that you can send to pretty much any woman and sending out that one a lot might be a better way to go. The response rate will still be low, but at least you'll be investing considerably less time and effort that way. The generalized message is something you'll want to spend some time on as you'll be sending it to a lot of women. Admittedly, I've never tried that approach myself when I did online dating, so I don't know how effective it will really be. However, it should still save you a fair amount of time and effort.

[Sivarias]

Yeah, online dating is pretty **** for men. To be fair, women have their own particular problems they have to put up with (which I won't go into here as others can probably do so better), but investing vast amounts of time and effort into dating with little to no return on that investment is pretty much the way dating is for men. Online dating in particular. Simply having an attractive profile picture is probably your best bet. When it comes to messaging, I'm not so sure anymore if reading women's profiles and carefully crafting messages based on that is the way to go since I think you'll have a fairly low response rate either way as a guy. Writing a fairly general message that you can send to pretty much any woman and sending out that one a lot might be a better way to go. The response rate will still be low, but at least you'll be investing considerably less time and effort that way. The generalized message is something you'll want to spend some time on as you'll be sending it to a lot of women. Admittedly, I've never tried that approach myself when I did online dating, so I don't know how effective it will really be. However, it should still save you a fair amount of time and effort.

The problem with your advice is studies have been done (OK Cupid had the worst rate IIRC) that show upwards of 75% of men are rated below average by the female population in attractiveness when it comes to online dating and hook-up sites. That's a tough number to get around. The fact of the matter is, women get SO MANY responses, PM's, messages, whatever, that they can afford to be extremely picky. Honestly, I would dump online dating in a heart-beat and try single-events as well as widening my circle of friends in your shoes. Face-to-face is much harder socially, but you learn through experience. Know that you WILL get rejected, often, and then shrug and move on. Persistence is key.

[ve4grm]

Yeah, you’re probably right. Just... *sighs* I’m the kind of person that’s overly cautious. Doing/saying something where I won’t have a clue of what people’s reactions will be, even if it’s the best thing to do or say, is anathema to me.

One thing to do might be to couch it in the guise of "coming clean" about that prior conversation, rather than asking her out. Tell her you were thinking about it recently, and have come to the conclusion that you do have feelings for her, and you thought it best to be honest about that. Let her know that if she doesn't, that's perfectly alright, because you value her friendship and this in no way means it needs to change.

Making it a simple statement of fact, especially since it's modifying something you already discussed, may be easier to discuss than asking her on a date without you knowing how she feels.

I saw it described as, match the length of the other person's profile. If they write about a hundred things, touch on several of them. If all they say is "i like trains", don't do a ten-page essay on Trains You Have Known.

What about writing and animating a meme-based ska song?

The problem with your advice is studies have been done (OK Cupid had the worst rate IIRC) that show upwards of 75% of men are rated below average by the female population in attractiveness when it comes to online dating and hook-up sites. That's a tough number to get around. The fact of the matter is, women get SO MANY responses, PM's, messages, whatever, that they can afford to be extremely picky. Honestly, I would dump online dating in a heart-beat and try single-events as well as widening my circle of friends in your shoes. Face-to-face is much harder socially, but you learn through experience. Know that you WILL get rejected, often, and then shrug and move on. Persistence is key.

I'm pretty sure the amount of women that men rate as "below average" is similar, to be fair.

While I agree that getting out in person is important, I can't advise dumping online dating. The biggest thing in meeting someone is being in situations where you can meet people. Just because you're doing on thing is no reason to give up on the other method completely. I say do both.

[Form]

The problem with your advice is studies have been done (OK Cupid had the worst rate IIRC) that show upwards of 75% of men are rated below average by the female population in attractiveness when it comes to online dating and hook-up sites. That's a tough number to get around. The fact of the matter is, women get SO MANY responses, PM's, messages, whatever, that they can afford to be extremely picky. Honestly, I would dump online dating in a heart-beat and try single-events as well as widening my circle of friends in your shoes. Face-to-face is much harder socially, but you learn through experience. Know that you WILL get rejected, often, and then shrug and move on. Persistence is key.

I know. That's exactly why I recommend having an attractive profile picture and writing one generalized message and sending it to a lot of women instead of reading the profile of every woman you come across plus writing a customized message based on that profile. It's not going to change the dynamic of dating, but it should (hopefully) save a guy some time. I think it's also important to note that the same principle applies to single events and dating in general. It's just that online dating, due to its format, exacerbates the issue.

I'm pretty sure the amount of women that men rate as "below average" is similar, to be fair.

Actually, this is not quite the case and I'm fairly surprised by this myself as well. Women tend to rate the majority of men as below average attractiveness, but men tend to have a more realistic image of the average attractiveness of women. The okcupid article in question being referenced, I believe, is this:

https://theblog.okcupid.com/your-loo...x-8715c0f1561e

Although, admittedly, men still tend to message women considered to be more attractive than average considerably more often.

[Anonymouswizard]

Spoiler: Ignore the nay-sayers. Full plate remains a viable option

Show

Moot issue right now, haven't even had an opportunity to kiss yet. Still, vague hope that we'll get somewhere, even though most likely I won't even get my hands under her shirt. Hopefully of it goes further well have access to a *ahem* 'codpiece'

Meeting her parents seems to have gone well, although I'm certain I've already been sized up as future son in law material.

EDIT: apparently French girls get impressed when you decide to try snail. Which is actually rather nice, especially with the garlic soup.

Well I wouldn't want to be the snooty Englishman who derides a dish without trying it, and they had them on the menu...

[TechnOkami]

I have something I'd like to discuss.

Spoiler

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I've been in a friends with benefits relationship with someone I know for about a year or so.

Today I caught myself thinking about it and any possibility of feelings the two of us might harbor for each other, and the more I thought about it the more I came to realize and understand that I just didn't love her in that sense. But that's not to say I don't care about her. I deeply value her as a friend. We share common interests and our passions and attitudes are very align with each other, and she's a joy to show things to and discuss things with, but she doesn't really stir any emotional connection aflame with me or any passion I would say. I feel little to no attraction.

At the same time though, I think this might be a good thing, because I feel like I've burned myself out with past relationships where the attraction only lasted so long and all it did was cloud over the glaring issues in my relationships neither side wanted to admit were there. So while this relationship I'm in is rather cool, I can't help but think of its potential longevity compared to other ones I've been in.

On another point though, what this whole thought process has made me realize is that my fwb relationship is with someone who is very much like me and someone I get along with, but it's not enough. There's extremely little attraction from me towards her, and I'm left wondering what I should be looking for in a potential partner. Should I be looking for someone who isn't necessarily extremely similar to me (though that would admittedly be nice) but rather someone who complements me? I know that's really only something I can answer myself, but I found my insight intriguing, and I wanted to share and see what others thought and had to say.

[ve4grm]

Moot issue right now, haven't even had an opportunity to kiss yet. Still, vague hope that we'll get somewhere, even though most likely I won't even get my hands under her shirt. Hopefully of it goes further well have access to a *ahem* 'codpiece'

Meeting her parents seems to have gone well, although I'm certain I've already been sized up as future son in law material.

EDIT: apparently French girls get impressed when you decide to try snail. Which is actually rather nice, especially with the garlic soup.

Well I wouldn't want to be the snooty Englishman who derides a dish without trying it, and they had them on the menu...

Good stuff! I'm pretty sure the French are well aware that snails are an... acquired taste. So yeah, I'd be impressed, too!

I have something I'd like to discuss.

Spoiler

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I've been in a friends with benefits relationship with someone I know for about a year or so.

Today I caught myself thinking about it and any possibility of feelings the two of us might harbor for each other, and the more I thought about it the more I came to realize and understand that I just didn't love her in that sense. But that's not to say I don't care about her. I deeply value her as a friend. We share common interests and our passions and attitudes are very align with each other, and she's a joy to show things to and discuss things with, but she doesn't really stir any emotional connection aflame with me or any passion I would say. I feel little to no attraction.

At the same time though, I think this might be a good thing, because I feel like I've burned myself out with past relationships where the attraction only lasted so long and all it did was cloud over the glaring issues in my relationships neither side wanted to admit were there. So while this relationship I'm in is rather cool, I can't help but think of its potential longevity compared to other ones I've been in.

On another point though, what this whole thought process has made me realize is that my fwb relationship is with someone who is very much like me and someone I get along with, but it's not enough. There's extremely little attraction from me towards her, and I'm left wondering what I should be looking for in a potential partner. Should I be looking for someone who isn't necessarily extremely similar to me (though that would admittedly be nice) but rather someone who complements me? I know that's really only something I can answer myself, but I found my insight intriguing, and I wanted to share and see what others thought and had to say.

Spoiler

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Right, so, two things here.

First, it's probably for the best if your FWB situation isn't stirring romantic feelings. When one partner develops feelings and the other doesn't, that can be a very bad thing.

As for whether you should look for someone more or less like yourself, there's no solid answer. Myself and my wife are VERY alike, but I've known plenty of couples who almost couldn't be more different. Having at least a few shared interests is probably necessary, but beyond that every couple is different.

So I advise putting yourself out there and seeing who clicks. And don't reject an opportunity to get to know someone out of hand, just because they're different from you.

[Crow]

I have something I'd like to discuss.

Spoiler

Show

I've been in a friends with benefits relationship with someone I know for about a year or so.

Today I caught myself thinking about it and any possibility of feelings the two of us might harbor for each other, and the more I thought about it the more I came to realize and understand that I just didn't love her in that sense. But that's not to say I don't care about her. I deeply value her as a friend. We share common interests and our passions and attitudes are very align with each other, and she's a joy to show things to and discuss things with, but she doesn't really stir any emotional connection aflame with me or any passion I would say. I feel little to no attraction.

At the same time though, I think this might be a good thing, because I feel like I've burned myself out with past relationships where the attraction only lasted so long and all it did was cloud over the glaring issues in my relationships neither side wanted to admit were there. So while this relationship I'm in is rather cool, I can't help but think of its potential longevity compared to other ones I've been in.

On another point though, what this whole thought process has made me realize is that my fwb relationship is with someone who is very much like me and someone I get along with, but it's not enough. There's extremely little attraction from me towards her, and I'm left wondering what I should be looking for in a potential partner. Should I be looking for someone who isn't necessarily extremely similar to me (though that would admittedly be nice) but rather someone who complements me? I know that's really only something I can answer myself, but I found my insight intriguing, and I wanted to share and see what others thought and had to say.

Honestly never been a fan of the FWB friendship phenomena. I mean just...why? All it does is carry a high likelihood of unnecessarily complicating things at a later date; and it always (I don't know why this is) just smacked of desperation to me.

Just to get off? Well okay, I guess. I'd rather direct my energy into finding somebody I actually want to be with.

If I don't know what type of person that is exactly; well that's more reason not to waste my time with this go-nowhere FWB relationship. I need to be out meeting new people, finding what works for me.

[2D8HP]

Meeting her parents seems to have gone well...

.
AWESOME!

...apparently French girls get impressed when you decide to try snail. Which is actually rather nice, especially with the garlic soup.

Well I wouldn't want to be the snooty Englishman who derides a dish without trying it, and they had them on the menu...

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Also AWESOME!

Rootin' for ya!

I have something I'd like to discuss.

Spoiler

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I've been in a friends with benefits relationship with someone I know for about a year or so.

Today I caught myself thinking about it and any possibility of feelings the two of us might harbor for each other, and the more I thought about it the more I came to realize and understand that I just didn't love her in that sense. But that's not to say I don't care about her. I deeply value her as a friend. We share common interests and our passions and attitudes are very align with each other, and she's a joy to show things to and discuss things with, but she doesn't really stir any emotional connection aflame with me or any passion I would say. I feel little to no attraction.

At the same time though, I think this might be a good thing, because I feel like I've burned myself out with past relationships where the attraction only lasted so long and all it did was cloud over the glaring issues in my relationships neither side wanted to admit were there. So while this relationship I'm in is rather cool, I can't help but think of its potential longevity compared to other ones I've been in.

On another point though, what this whole thought process has made me realize is that my fwb relationship is with someone who is very much like me and someone I get along with, but it's not enough. There's extremely little attraction from me towards her, and I'm left wondering what I should be looking for in a potential partner. Should I be looking for someone who isn't necessarily extremely similar to me (though that would admittedly be nice) but rather someone who complements me? I know that's really only something I can answer myself, but I found my insight intriguing, and I wanted to share and see what others thought and had to say.

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Sorry to say, but the lack of strong feelings for her just sounds to me like part of growing older, things just don't get as intense as the "flames of first love", especially after you have some "scars on your heart"

-In My Not So Humble Experience.

[Anonymouswizard]

Good stuff! I'm pretty sure the French are well aware that snails are an... acquired taste. So yeah, I'd be impressed, too!

I don't know, sure they're awkward to get out of the shell, don't look great, and are rather rubbery, but they taste fine. Especially with the garlic butter.

I have something I'd like to discuss.

Spoiler

Show

I've been in a friends with benefits relationship with someone I know for about a year or so.

Today I caught myself thinking about it and any possibility of feelings the two of us might harbor for each other, and the more I thought about it the more I came to realize and understand that I just didn't love her in that sense. But that's not to say I don't care about her. I deeply value her as a friend. We share common interests and our passions and attitudes are very align with each other, and she's a joy to show things to and discuss things with, but she doesn't really stir any emotional connection aflame with me or any passion I would say. I feel little to no attraction.

At the same time though, I think this might be a good thing, because I feel like I've burned myself out with past relationships where the attraction only lasted so long and all it did was cloud over the glaring issues in my relationships neither side wanted to admit were there. So while this relationship I'm in is rather cool, I can't help but think of its potential longevity compared to other ones I've been in.

On another point though, what this whole thought process has made me realize is that my fwb relationship is with someone who is very much like me and someone I get along with, but it's not enough. There's extremely little attraction from me towards her, and I'm left wondering what I should be looking for in a potential partner. Should I be looking for someone who isn't necessarily extremely similar to me (though that would admittedly be nice) but rather someone who complements me? I know that's really only something I can answer myself, but I found my insight intriguing, and I wanted to share and see what others thought and had to say.

The first thing that springs to mind is that of both of you are happy with the current arrangement then however you feel is fine. Don't worry about it unless something changes for either of you, and just make do with what you've got.

With regards to somebody like you or not like you, it depends. The only success I've personally had is someone who shares a lot of my interests, but not all of them, and likes some of them more and some of them less than I do myself, but that's a sample size of one and I'm still in my early twenties. I'd say that next time you're looking for dates don't worry about if they have anything in common with you for a while, especially if you're dating casually (that's a thing right? I always forget if it really happens), and just see of it works out. You definitely want to like some of the same things, but maybe you can't love somebody too much like yourself for long. There's no way to know if it'll be better without trying.

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AWESOME!

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Also AWESOME!

Rootin' for ya!

Thank you, in just hoping they'll be the time for a goodbye kiss before I have to go home.