Personal Woes and Advice 5

[Tvtyrant]

You're so entirely on point that it's scary.

But.

1. About 300 dollars to my name, and my mom will see if I spend any of it.
   
2. No job and no opportunity to get one (unless it's something they unequivocally approve of, and I'm far enough behind in school that . . . just no).
   
3. No driver's license and no opportunity to get one. Legally, I could learn; practically, no way.
   
4. The most basic life skills are out of my grasp. I was fourteen before I was allowed to walk two blocks by myself, and that's not an exaggeration. Cook? Buy food? Find my way to a place I need to go? I theoretically could do those things, but I have only the vaguest ideas of how to go about them.

What the heck can I do with that? It really seems like I can't set anything up for myself until I've done what they want (which will take years), and even then I'll be ignorant of so much. To top it off, they want me to stay on the family property (another house, next door to the current two) when I'm an adult, and I'm not sure I'll be able to afford any alternatives.

As an aside: cruise ships. Is it true that a lot of girls disappear unpleasantly from those?



That is an accurate description, yes.

As for church - I honestly don't know if I'd have any allies there, when it comes down to it. Much as the people do care about me, my grandmother has already explained to them how smart and perfect her plans are.

Honestly? If nothing else, start getting in shape now and join the military or Canada's version of Americore. There are lots of organizations that will trade housing and skills for unpaid warm bodies, which will get you free long enough to discover who you are and what you want.

It sounds like you are being deliberatly groomed to be dependent, you need space from those people to grow. You won't be able to get that space unless you take a risk at some point.

[Cozzer]

AuthorGirl, your situation raises so many red flags that it's a bit scary. From what you say, your family apparenly is the kind of people that confuse "real love" with "co-dependence".

I would advise against seeking help from the church... in my experience, however well-intentioned they are, church people tend to be the kind of people who follow "parents know best" mentality unless there's some specific incident. Or best case scenario, "just talk with them and you'll understand each other" mentality, which... sometimes just cannot work. But this is an opinionated... uh, opinion, and you know them as people so you're better qualified than me to choose who to confide to.

That said, whatever road you choose, sooner or later you'll have to fight for your independence. Everybody does, usually around your age, but you'll have to fight way harder than most. Do that anyway, I promise it's worth it and it's better than the alternative.

Can't give you more than this generic encouragement, sadly. Keep strong, and one day you'll wonder how you even considered the idea of not getting away and building a life of your own.

[dehro]

by your answer to my questions, I also advise to stay clear from the church.. I have a feeling that your family is probably considered an upstanding member of said church and the church itself may have had a hand in what is ultimately turning out to be your current lifestyle and circumstances.
I agree with what many others are saying.
Get out or you will find yourself in a situation where your entire life will be determined by them, until a husband considered suitable by them will be provided for you and then it will be his turn to micro-manage your life.
You sound like an intelligent person, and yes, you might do very well in college, but right now your first duty to yourself should be to learn the basics of life.. going to the stores, managing money, making money, learning to socialise, to fend for yourself and so many other things that college doesn't necessarily prepare you for, and home tutoring definitely keeps beyond your grasp.
Ask your family if you may take on a summer job, volunteer someplace, or to be inserted in any kind of scenario where you are independent from their direct supervision and tutelage. Try asking to learn/practice a team sport...If you find something that allows you to put aside some money, then try doing that.
Try to make a couple friends outside the golden cage.

What is the education path they expect you to follow.. online classes for what??
Can you broach the subject of choosing another discipline? possibly one that requires attendance? Is your brother in your same situation in terms of schooling and goldencagery? is he older than you? can he be relied upon if you tell him you want out from your (grand)parent's complete control?
why do you list your mother and brother as potential allies on several things but not your father or indeed your grandparents? any extended family?

Is there any physical or health issue that you carry with you that makes their choice for your future the most reasonable? by which I guess I mean: are you healthy of mind and body?
If that is the case, you really should use the internet for what it's worth... find people in your situation, find people who broke out of your situation, find counseling.. if need be, find legal representation or at least support from groups that can help you find ways to a degree of independence from your family.
Explore what's out there to the best of your ability and try to put together a plan to either make the most of what your life offers you, or, much better, find a way to cut the umbilical cord that ties you to your family.
If you can't count on support from anyone in the family, find your own family... join the army, talk to shelters for victims of family abuse (I realise that may be a stretch, but they can be of help or at least give you an outside perception on whether you are just being overly protected or something more serious is occurring that you can't identify because you don't have the tools for it) find jobs that offer accomodation.. you know DnD and are at least high school educated... join the staff of a summer camp, find work in a toy/games/comic store.. volunteer for youth programmes.
There are many things that you can find on your own.. if not, talk to us.. I'm sure that your fellow canadians and quite a few americans can help you point out one or the other resource for you to gain at least a degree of independence. Ask specific questions and we'll try and help you find answers.. as long as your goal is to take the reins of your future in your own hands.

[WarKitty]

AuthorGirl, are they thinking you'll be getting married at some point?

That might be an avenue to persuade them that you need more practical life skills. After all, if you're going to be a parent someday, you can't be going around not knowing how to buy groceries and fix a good meal. I'm in favor of using gender roles to work for you if you need.

Unfortunately it looks like Canada has some of the same issues the U.S. has that your college aid is calculated based on the income your parents have. Still, it might be worth emailing a few local colleges and saying that your family wants you to stay home and work for them and won't pay for your education. There may be options.

I would definitely also look at jobs or even volunteer opportunities that provide housing to you. Also, honestly, don't be afraid to use charity. If you need to go to a shelter or a food bank, do it.

[ve4grm]

Hi, fellow (current or former) denizen of BC! That's reassuring to hear.

Former. I lived in Kamloops for 5 years. I started my mental health treatment there (OCD, with depression and some anxiety as fun side effects).

For BC, here's a few things that can help.

Kids Help Phone - https://kidshelpphone.ca/
Kids Help Phone has been around at least since I was a kid, and does wonderful work. Just call, and you'll have someone to talk with anonymously for free about whatever is concerning you. You can also use text chat through their website, and they're available 24/7.

Canadian Mental Health Association - https://cmha.bc.ca/mental-health/find-help/
On top of just having information on the site, there are numbers to call for assistance, especially for emergencies.

Here to Help - http://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/factshee...ntal-illnesses
Includes info about 811, aka Healthlink BC, which is another place you can call for information.

BC Human Rights Tribunal http://www.bchrt.bc.ca/resources/mental-health.htm
More mental health resources.

That wouldn't even be a fib, considering the province is once again burning and smoking.

Of course it's on fire. It's summer, I should have expected that. Use that, then. Just make sure your parents stay outside.

I do believe she'll refer me to a counsellor if she can't help directly, so there's that. As an added bonus, my grandparents won't argue as much if she says I need help instead of just me saying that.

I'd avoid mentioning problems with your family if you talk to your pastor (since she might be biased in that situation), but if you trust her (and it seems like you do) then she still might be able to help out.

Yes, exactly that. I'm already doing some online courses, I hate them and it's extremely difficult to progress (especially since the Internet keeps cutting out). It feels like, to learn, I have to struggle against the course itself instead of just my own lazy ignorance.

Maybe bring that to your parents? Tell them you find it difficult to learn via correspondence and would like to actually attend university. That way, it isn't anything against them, but just the format of the courses.

Alternately, as someone else mentioned, find a program you're interested in that isn't available as correspondence. Something with labs, for example.

It's . . . really no joke, how angry everyone would get if I tried any of those things, but I'll consider it.

Yeah, moving across the freaking country might be a bit extreme. Instead, take a look at the BC options, of which there are many. If you want to lessen the blow somewhat, while still getting away a bit, consider the more northern universities. Specifically, Prince George as the University of Northern BC, and Kamloops as Thompson Rivers University. TRU at least has a good variety of courses available.

As a side note, is "church secretary for two years" good or bad on a resume?

Generally ok, but probably on the same level as other volunteer-type experience. Not bad to have, but won't get you a lot. Unless you're going for a secretarial job.

I'm going to disagree with some of the folks telling you you need to get away and fast. You definitely need to get out, but you're not in any danger or suffering from abuse I don't think? So you're free to take a little time and do it right, rather than just jumping without a net, unless I'm reading things wrong. (If things become abusive, of course get out asap.) In particular, you probably won't be able to join the military due to asthma.

I think Kids Help Phone and then your GP are your best bets for immediate assistance with mental health issues. Use the fires as an excuse to see your doctor. Tell the receptionist you'd like to speak to the doc privately (slip them a small written note if you need to) and the doctor will help you keep your parents out of the room if you need help doing that.

If you don't think it will cause problems, express to your parents or pastor that you want to learn to drive and cook, because eventually you'll need to be able to make yourself meals and get yourself places. Don't phrase it as being off the family property or anything, just that you'll need to behave like an adult in your upcoming adult life. Hopefully they can help you gain those skills, and at least recognize that, while they might think you'll live beside them and work with them, you'll still have a life where you have to do things. At minimum, whatever counselling services you use might be able to help you out with gaining life skills. (Also, I know plenty of people who moved out without the ability to cook, and have done alright with learning on their own. With the internet, it's not as hard as it seems.)

If you want to chat about BC, mental health in Canada, or whatever, and don't mind talking with a 35 year old dude, feel free to hit up my PMs.

[WarKitty]

The worries I'd have about staying home are (1) whether it could contribute to further mental health problems, and (2) whether getting farther behind could be an issue. Additionally, completing a correspondence course college degree could be an impediment to getting future college aid, or that not doing well in it could make it more difficult to get into a proper college in the future. Mostly though I'd be concerned that the longer things go on, the less you'll be in a position to get out because of lack of skills and mental health issues.

I do think the point about finding a reason why the correspondence courses aren't working might not be a bad idea, but it sounds like your parents are picking what you study, yes? And they're planning on having you stay to work for them, so they're not really concerned about your ability to get another job.

Take a look at a website called homeschoolers anonymous - there's plenty of us out there who had less than stellar experiences with homeschooling, and there might be some advice about making the jump.

[Aedilred]

From what's been described, doing a correspondence course degree under these circumstances sounds at best pointless and at worst self-destructive. I would never encourage anyone not to get an education, but if that education is provided in a complete bubble, without adequate supervision, and at the expense of gaining any life skills at all, you're better off postponing it. You can always come back to it later (probably - cost is a factor).

As others have said, you simply can't keep living in the manner that's been set out for you. Not unless you're happy to abrogate all agency for yourself, any independence or freedom, for the rest of your life. Unfortunately, if your family are that controlling, I wonder whether anything other than at least initially a clean break would do the job. Once you're out and have established an element of independence, then you can come back to them on your own terms. But right now they hold so many of the cards that you're in no position to stand up for yourself.

Of course it is tricky as you have no money to your name, few (or minimal?) qualifications or experience, and therefore no obvious means of supporting yourself outside the family environment. I imagine that, on the basis you've been homeschooled, you probably don't have any friends of your own to turn to for support and the organisations you've had contact with will be your parents', so there's probably not much chance of getting support there.

But there are other organisations or opportunities out there which might provide a chance to get away. If you can find work that provides you with accommodation and doesn't require a great deal of experience, that's probably what you need. Cruise ships and the military have been suggested. Some hotels provide accommodation for staff. The oil and construction industries often provide on-site accommodation for workers. There are almost certainly others. None of these would be soft options: they would be hard work and there would undoubtedly be a massive culture shock from leaving home, no matter how exciting it seemed at first.

But they would provide you with invaluable life experience, the opportunity to meet people and form personal relationships for yourself, and an independent income. You wouldn't have to do them forever, just long enough to get a taste for life outside the home bubble and the chance to make your own decisions. It doesn't really matter what you do but I really do think you ought to do something. Even if you did decide after a while to return home to your parents, you would at least have that behind you and (firstly) be in a position to assert yourself a bit more with them and (secondly) see something of the outside world for yourself first.

[WarKitty]

Summer camps can also be an ok starter option. It's not as long-term as other stuff, which is a downside. But the advantage is that you actually can start getting a paycheck, which can put you on the road to being able to rent a place and get another job.

I also really would encourage you to email a few colleges and universities and ask about financial aid if your parents won't support you. I'd just say what you said, that your parents have the intention of having you do a correspondence course with the intent of working at their business and don't want you to make other career plans. They may be able to help you find assistance.

[AMFV]

I would say that looking into the military might be a good option here. I normally wouldn't recommend that, but they get a lot of people that really don't have a lot of life skills and that can be a way to develop them. Like I had some Lances and stuff that didn't know how to hygiene and what-not. You can probably get your license that way and if you can't your work will be walking distance to your home. Housing will be provided. It's a very good way to get out of that kind of situation. You'll also get your own monies and what-not.

I don't know you well enough to say if that's a really good option or not, but that would definitely be something I'd look into.

[The Fury]

As an aside: cruise ships. Is it true that a lot of girls disappear unpleasantly from those?

My former boss worked in the housekeeping department on a cruise ship and she didn't disappear. I'm not sure how much of a reassurance that is though.

The only other women I've met that have worked on boats were on commercial fishing ones. Though I'm getting waaay off topic.

[AuthorGirl]

Well, the discussion of present-day stuff went quickly into the future (not unreasonable).

Buuuut I have an update so here goes.

I decided to just rip the Band-Aid off and tell my parents about what's been going on for me. Their response was actually surprising - apparently my dad has been on antidepressants for several years and understands a lot of what I was saying.

So, I'll be talking to my pastor when she gets back to town. She might be able to help; she'll definitely be able to point me in the right direction in terms of resources and people who can do more.

So . . . yeah. Things actually look unexpectedly bright right now.

[OACSNY97]

Hi AuthorGirl-
I've been reading lots of good advice from the other Playgrounders and thought I'd offer my two cents.

You said earlier that you're about to start your 12th year of [home]school, so I assume you're 17 or 18. What age does Canada consider a person to be legally an adult?

While a lot of people have reasonably suggested you need out and soon, assuming the situation doesn't get worse, consider that you have ~9-12 months to get yourself sorted out so you can start your adult life so you have time make a plan and learn some skills.

The most important thing I suggest you work on over the next few months is time and project management. You don't want the freedom to do whatever whenever in college/ independent living to mean that all the distractions become way more important that going to class/doing homework or showing up to a job clean, sober and ready to work.

Regarding your list:
Money- yes obviously you need some.
>Would it be possible for you to babysit or help neighbors/ church members with chores for some cash?

>Your screen name, Author Girl, suggests that you write. How far are you from getting something, anything into publishable condition? Even at $0.99(US) per short story on Amazon this can turn into a pretty steady trickle if you keep pushing out material every few months. If you need some resources on independent (self) e-publishing, I can direct you to a couple of blogs that are basically workshops for 'indie' authors.

>Bank account- do you have one? Are your parents' names on it? Find out how much money you need to open an account on your own (in the US it's usually ~$100-500)- this is where you babysit, etc for the seed money. Do it as soon as you reach your legal majority and use this account to start your Amazon sellers account so you can start self publishing if you choose to go that route.

Job- approval= transportation is how I interpret your situation. What about weekends or say two designated nights per week?
Odd job could probably be spun as helping Mrs. ___ with oh, the leaf raking this fall or snow shoveling this winter, where it seems almost as much as you're doing the other person a favor as you're doing it for the money.

Driver's License- I don't know about Canada, but here in the US, if you wait until AFTER you've turned 18 to get your first photo ID it's WAY harder than if you do it while still legally a minor because the burden of proof of who you are is higher as I found out the hard way. If you don't have a passport already, apply for either your passport or other photo ID ASAP. If you have to do any of the more desperate maneuvers to get out, you're going to need it. I suggest just showing your parents the lists of documents need to get your ID as a minor vs. what you'll need when you're legally an adult and they'll agree simply to save themselves a bunch of hassle.

BASIC LIFE SKILLS-
Ask/demand to take a 'home ec' or 'personal finance' class your final year of homeschool. If it's any good, it'll cover a lot of the theoretical basics of money, budgets and taxes as well as some other basic life skills.
>TIME MANAGEMENT!!!

>Cooking- offer to cook dinner once a week. Try a different recipe each time to add some variety to the menu. If you do this for a whole year, you'll have cooked at least 52 different things. Start easy- pasta, pizza, or something else with cheese tends to be pretty beginner friendly.
Many of the brand name cookbooks, so long as you realize that use Land-o-Lakes butter or Domino sugar or Perdue chicken actual means whichever butter, sugar or chicken you have around/is on sale this week, can be really helpful since they tend towards easy, filling and simple. I like cooking and I'd be very happy to talk to you more about it.

>Buying food flows from starting to cook. Think about what you want to make and what ingredients the recipe calls for, then go check the fridge, pantry and cupboards to see what you have. Those things you don't have or don't have enough of go on the shopping list. Then go with whichever parent does the grocery shopping and take your list. Check the price per volume or weight of the different items when comparing brands. Sometimes even a sale won't take an expensive brandname product down to the same price per unit as the regular price of the store brand or a competitor.

>Laundry- again volunteer to 'help out' by doing some wash for your mom. Start by offering to do towels or sheets, they're the least fussy about wash temp (though it's best to wash bedding on hot to get rid of the dust mites) and they don't tend to shrink noticeably if over dried.

>Finding your way around- Google Maps is your friend. Type in your starting location, click the directions button, and type in where you want to end up. It even lets you choose your mode of transportation- walking, bike, car, public trans.

Does your church have young people do missionary work? I work at a university and one of the undergraduates I work with came in as a freshmen having just completed 2 years as an LDS (Mormon) missionary in South America and he was noticeably more mature than all the other freshmen I've worked with. This might be an acceptable to your parents way to get out for while.

Regarding college-
Besides choosing a science or engineering major with lots of labs, off the top of my head the following careers require either a fair number of hours of field placements/internships while in school or lots of in person interaction- teaching, nursing, and music.

More later and good luck-
DH

PS- After I wrote this wall of text, I saw your post regarding family issues and that there may be progress :)

You're so entirely on point that it's scary.

But.

1. About 300 dollars to my name, and my mom will see if I spend any of it.
   
2. No job and no opportunity to get one (unless it's something they unequivocally approve of, and I'm far enough behind in school that . . . just no).
   
3. No driver's license and no opportunity to get one. Legally, I could learn; practically, no way.
   
4. The most basic life skills are out of my grasp. I was fourteen before I was allowed to walk two blocks by myself, and that's not an exaggeration. Cook? Buy food? Find my way to a place I need to go? I theoretically could do those things, but I have only the vaguest ideas of how to go about them.

What the heck can I do with that? It really seems like I can't set anything up for myself until I've done what they want (which will take years), and even then I'll be ignorant of so much. To top it off, they want me to stay on the family property (another house, next door to the current two) when I'm an adult, and I'm not sure I'll be able to afford any alternatives.

As an aside: cruise ships. Is it true that a lot of girls disappear unpleasantly from those?

That is an accurate description, yes.

As for church - I honestly don't know if I'd have any allies there, when it comes down to it. Much as the people do care about me, my grandmother has already explained to them how smart and perfect her plans are.

[ve4grm]

Well, the discussion of present-day stuff went quickly into the future (not unreasonable).

Buuuut I have an update so here goes.

I decided to just rip the Band-Aid off and tell my parents about what's been going on for me. Their response was actually surprising - apparently my dad has been on antidepressants for several years and understands a lot of what I was saying.

So, I'll be talking to my pastor when she gets back to town. She might be able to help; she'll definitely be able to point me in the right direction in terms of resources and people who can do more.

So . . . yeah. Things actually look unexpectedly bright right now.

That's awesome! You never know who's got experience with mental health issues. And it does tend to run in families to a certain degree.

Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but it feels to me from what you've described that it's more your grandparents causing you issues than your parents? If so, use that. Let your parents know that the level of control being imposed on you is definitely contributing to the issues, and that you think you need to be more free to get better. You need to learn to drive, cook, take care of yourself, to feel more comfortable with your own life. They can help you do this, and therefore help you break out of the rut of control you're in.

From there, whether you decide to stay in the family business, on the family land, or none of it, you'll at least have the skills to live your own life.

You said earlier that you're about to start your 12th year of [home]school, so I assume you're 17 or 18. What age does Canada consider a person to be legally an adult?

18, same as US.

Driver's License- I don't know about Canada, but here in the US, if you wait until AFTER you've turned 18 to get your first photo ID it's WAY harder than if you do it while still legally a minor because the burden of proof of who you are is higher as I found out the hard way. If you don't have a passport already, apply for either your passport or other photo ID ASAP. If you have to do any of the more desperate maneuvers to get out, you're going to need it. I suggest just showing your parents the lists of documents need to get your ID as a minor vs. what you'll need when you're legally an adult and they'll agree simply to save themselves a bunch of hassle.

My wife had to re-acquire her license around 30 in BC, after not having in in MB for a while due to medical reasons. It was pretty simple, no major requirements outside of ID that is usually easily attainable (that I'll assume AuthorGirl already has, especially living at home). Same requirements regardless of age.

Specifically, one primary ID from here, and one secondary (or 2 primaries).
https://www.icbc.com/driver-licensin...cepted-ID.aspx

[dehro]

@Authorgirl. Glad to hear they're receptive on the mental health issues topic. That said, maybe it's another avenue for you to explore. Ask to talk to a qualified psychologist, preferably not one "vetted" by them or who already counsels your father.. because yes, they have a fiduciary duty, but since they're your parents and you're a minor that might be a reason for the professional to be less than discrete. Ask this person to help you gain a modicum of independence.. if he's any good and the situation is as you describe it, he might be open to suggesting to your parents that you need to go out more, have friends of your age outside their suffocating control, maybe learn a thing or two about life without their supervision. Asking your parents for these things through this mental health professional should be feasible and probably stands a better chance of being accepted by all parties involved than if you just went up to your parents and told them you want to break out of your cage altogether.

[WarKitty]

Childhood memories involving my mother as follows. Posted because it's so weird and I'm not really sure how to think or feel about it, like it was normal for me but then looking back it's kind of like...wut no. Spoilered because it's rather out there even based on my stories about my mother.

Spoiler: Trigger warning: I don't even know what the hell here, probably several things

Show

My mother had a thing about skin. She seemed completely convinced any sort of zit or ingrown hair was a major infection and I was going to end up in the hospital if it wasn't removed right away. Pimples needed to be squeezed, or if that didn't work lanced with a needle. Ingrown hairs had to be dug out with a needle. This evolved over the years to having me take most of my clothing off in order to ensure my back and thighs didn't have any "problems."

I protested that it hurt a lot. It really didn't, honestly - I mean, it did a little, but it wasn't at a level I really cared about. For comparison, I had warts frozen off with liquid nitrogen with barely a sound, because I knew why it was important. It was just some combination, the lack of physical privacy, the insistence on staying for a long time in awkward, vulnerable positions, the general enforced touch especially as combined with affection, all tied together with the idea that any objection was just being oversensitive and probably a sign of a (punishable) bad attitude.

I remember going to doctors a lot, but I wasn't allowed to see doctors by myself as a teen. So I think it was always just presented as, we need this or that treated, so I ended up with a lot of acne medications. (I think most of them ended up down the sink.) I didn't actually have particularly bad acne and I never cared much myself unless it really hurt, which was rare. But I don't think anyone ever questioned my mother's assertion that it was a problem. The one time I did ask a doctor directly if it was an issue, surprisingly I didn't get in trouble, but any future bumps weren't the sort the doctor was talking about. So it didn't actually change anything.

Went on til college. At some point after coming home I put a stop to it. I'd like to say it was a grand realization, but in actual fact I had cuts on my legs and I was more scared of mom finding that out than of her anger at me for saying no. When I limited it later she'd make a big deal out of how sensitive I was by pointing and dramatically informing me that she could see my legs anytime I wore anything except long pants. Thankfully at this point I was old enough that this was not very effective at anything other than making me wonder why she was doing something THAT stupid.

She still makes a lot of comments and she'll try to push my head around or touch any bumps, but it doesn't really work anymore.

[The Fury]

Childhood memories involving my mother as follows. Posted because it's so weird and I'm not really sure how to think or feel about it, like it was normal for me but then looking back it's kind of like...wut no. Spoilered because it's rather out there even based on my stories about my mother.

Spoiler: Trigger warning: I don't even know what the hell here, probably several things

Show

My mother had a thing about skin. She seemed completely convinced any sort of zit or ingrown hair was a major infection and I was going to end up in the hospital if it wasn't removed right away. Pimples needed to be squeezed, or if that didn't work lanced with a needle. Ingrown hairs had to be dug out with a needle. This evolved over the years to having me take most of my clothing off in order to ensure my back and thighs didn't have any "problems."

I protested that it hurt a lot. It really didn't, honestly - I mean, it did a little, but it wasn't at a level I really cared about. For comparison, I had warts frozen off with liquid nitrogen with barely a sound, because I knew why it was important. It was just some combination, the lack of physical privacy, the insistence on staying for a long time in awkward, vulnerable positions, the general enforced touch especially as combined with affection, all tied together with the idea that any objection was just being oversensitive and probably a sign of a (punishable) bad attitude.

I remember going to doctors a lot, but I wasn't allowed to see doctors by myself as a teen. So I think it was always just presented as, we need this or that treated, so I ended up with a lot of acne medications. (I think most of them ended up down the sink.) I didn't actually have particularly bad acne and I never cared much myself unless it really hurt, which was rare. But I don't think anyone ever questioned my mother's assertion that it was a problem. The one time I did ask a doctor directly if it was an issue, surprisingly I didn't get in trouble, but any future bumps weren't the sort the doctor was talking about. So it didn't actually change anything.

Went on til college. At some point after coming home I put a stop to it. I'd like to say it was a grand realization, but in actual fact I had cuts on my legs and I was more scared of mom finding that out than of her anger at me for saying no. When I limited it later she'd make a big deal out of how sensitive I was by pointing and dramatically informing me that she could see my legs anytime I wore anything except long pants. Thankfully at this point I was old enough that this was not very effective at anything other than making me wonder why she was doing something THAT stupid.

She still makes a lot of comments and she'll try to push my head around or touch any bumps, but it doesn't really work anymore.

I don't have anything to contribute to that, except it sounds like your mother didn't respect your boundaries and I'm sorry that it happened the way it did.

[OACSNY97]

While it's a bit on the late side age-wise to join, what about Girl Scouts/Guides?

@Authorgirl. Glad to hear they're receptive on the mental health issues topic. That said, maybe it's another avenue for you to explore. Ask to talk to a qualified psychologist, preferably not one "vetted" by them or who already counsels your father.. because yes, they have a fiduciary duty, but since they're your parents and you're a minor that might be a reason for the professional to be less than discrete. Ask this person to help you gain a modicum of independence.. if he's any good and the situation is as you describe it, he might be open to suggesting to your parents that you need to go out more, have friends of your age outside their suffocating control, maybe learn a thing or two about life without their supervision. Asking your parents for these things through this mental health professional should be feasible and probably stands a better chance of being accepted by all parties involved than if you just went up to your parents and told them you want to break out of your cage altogether.

[AuthorGirl]

While it's a bit on the late side age-wise to join, what about Girl Scouts/Guides?

I had to quit that last year so I'd have more time for schoolwork.

Also, I hear they taught life skills at one point in time, but from Brownies through to Pathfinders I mostly learned how to do crafts

[Honest Tiefling]

So...What about an outing as a part of the church? You'll be with people you trust who can help out and you'll be out of the house for a bit. And I doubt anyone in your family can easily stop you from doing it, ESPECIALLY if you ask your Pastor about doing it before you ask them...So they might ask why you didn't end up doing it.

Petty? Probably.

[Recherché]

I had to quit that last year so I'd have more time for schoolwork.

It kind of sounds like most of your outlets for relaxation and mental health have been stripped away in favor of making you spend more time doing the schoolwork that's causing the mental health issues in the first place. Which tends to not be very effective in either learning schoolwork or dealing with anxiety and mental health. Is it too late to back off on the class work and take some time off?

[AuthorGirl]

So...What about an outing as a part of the church? You'll be with people you trust who can help out and you'll be out of the house for a bit. And I doubt anyone in your family can easily stop you from doing it, ESPECIALLY if you ask your Pastor about doing it before you ask them...So they might ask why you didn't end up doing it.

Petty? Probably.

Oh my gosh, I LOVE those (whether camps or retreats or whatever). They're seriously the best things in life, especially when they're not in this town.

However (rural problems), there are only about three every year. We don't really have the resources or people to do much locally, and local stuff would have Grandma all over it anyway.

It kind of sounds like most of your outlets for relaxation and mental health have been stripped away in favor of making you spend more time doing the schoolwork that's causing the mental health issues in the first place. Which tends to not be very effective in either learning schoolwork or dealing with anxiety and mental health. Is it too late to back off on the class work and take some time off?

It absolutely is too late. I'm quite behind on my two science courses and I have to get them done before October. I have been repeatedly assured that I won't be able to graduate from high school if I don't pass them.

Once the school year officially starts, I'll have those courses to fight with as well as all the others that I need for graduation. It means nine-to-five days of school and a lot of homework - at least that's what it meant last year. I guess it's good practice for university, but still, it's difficult not to cry even thinking about it.

What happens if you fail a course in high school? Does it go on a record of some sort?

[WarKitty]

What happens if you fail a course in high school? Does it go on a record of some sort?

The absolute worst consequence of failing a course in high school is that you might have to take a year or two of junior college or your equivalent to show that you're up to speed on your ability, and possibly a remedial course from them.

There is no "permanent record." It goes on your high school transcript, but once you're in college literally zero people will ever ask to see that. No one has even looked at mine since I was 18. I've had friends who outright failed high school, got a GED, and then had to take a placement test at a junior college/community college where they had to take makeup classes from them if they didn't score high enough. Once those are done, no one cares.

I am 30 years old and no one has even asked for mine in over a decade. No one even checks if I graduated high school, other than maybe a few special places that have a security clearance.

[Recherché]

Yeah no one has asked to see my high school records since before I graduated college. I don't think I failed any classes exactly but I did get a D in one math class. (Statistics sucks) Nobody asks about it.

Also university, or at least for me, is not 9 to 5 classes and schoolwork. I actually spent a lot less time in classes during college than high school but a lot more time studying and writing outside classes. Trying to do things 9 to 5 would actually have been horrible. I can't focus on one subject for that long without a break, but I can certainly make things work if I break it down into 45 min to 1 hour chunks the go do something else then come back to it.

I'm also wondering if the amount of time and pressure that's being put into schoolwork isn't making your work worse. This is just my own experiences with anxiety and depression but the more I force myself to do something I have no enthusiasm for the worse I get at it. It's when I can relax a little and not be a slavedriver to myself that I actually get things done. More time, just means more time being miserable. Taking care of my own mental health though, that means I can actually use the time I put into school efficiently. I tend to think of it as I have "X": number of mental focus points per day. Once I've spent those points I can try to keep going but I won't get anywhere without points to spend except I'll dig my hole deeper with regards to mental healt. Or I can go do things to try and regain mental focus for tomorrow so that I can spend them efficiently then.

[ve4grm]

What happens if you fail a course in high school? Does it go on a record of some sort?

In a non-homeschool environment, you're usually given the opportunity to bring the grade up in summer school.

In homeschool, I'm sure there's some sort of recourse as well.

It doesn't go on any "permanent record", but does go on your high school transcript. The biggest thing that gets used for is university admissions (especially out of province) and scholarship applications. A university might deny your application until you pass a remedial course, or they may allow you in while you take said course, or they might just let you in with no issues. It depends on the course, and how many credits you already have.

[dehro]

What happens if you fail a course in high school? Does it go on a record of some sort?

Honestly, the very fact that you don't know the answer to this question and, I assume, a great many other questions that would be considered basic common knowledge for most other people is a massive red flag in my mind. You desperately need some life experience and to learn to fend for yourself in basic matters, both social and school related. I genuinely hope you'll find a way to explain to your family that they're actually harming your future self.

I'm curious about your grandmother. She seems to be a sort of matriarch/mother in law from hell combo that I don't know how to quantify. Is she on your mother or father's side? And, more importantly... What is her hold on the rest of the family? Why is everybody going along with her wishes and ideas? Why is she making decisions about her granddaughter's future instead of your parents?
Your father is also conspicuously absent from your narration of your situation. I hope I'm not triggering anything here but... How come?

[Jormengand]

So, the girl I was trying to help is now not responding to anything. I don't know whether she's given up on me, or given up on life, or what. I know she's seeing my messages, because FB tells you that, but she's not responding. She's not responding to texts, or picking up on calls. I'm just so scared for her right now and I have no idea how to help or what to do.

EDIT: She's been dragged on what her parents call a holiday and she calls a nightmare, so she's not been able to respond to stuff very much. She's mostly safe at least. Gonna start finding somewhere for us to stay basically now, because really, everything else is taking too long.

Knowing absolutely nothing about how this works, apart from what I can glean online, is a complication, but I'm sure I can work things out...

[Mith]

So, the girl I was trying to help is now not responding to anything. I don't know whether she's given up on me, or given up on life, or what. I know she's seeing my messages, because FB tells you that, but she's not responding. She's not responding to texts, or picking up on calls. I'm just so scared for her right now and I have no idea how to help or what to do.

EDIT: She's been dragged on what her parents call a holiday and she calls a nightmare, so she's not been able to respond to stuff very much. She's mostly safe at least. Gonna start finding somewhere for us to stay basically now, because really, everything else is taking too long.

Knowing absolutely nothing about how this works, apart from what I can glean online, is a complication, but I'm sure I can work things out...

Good luck!

Have you been getting any follow up on the painter job you mdntioned a while back? Just thinking in terms of income stream to help through the transition period.

What are your options for just a basement suite in your area? Those can come at a much more reasonable price for two people to split.

[Jormengand]

Good luck!

Have you been getting any follow up on the painter job you mdntioned a while back? Just thinking in terms of income stream to help through the transition period.

What are your options for just a basement suite in your area? Those can come at a much more reasonable price for two people to split.

Hah, I haven't had good luck. It turns out that it's just about impossible to get a place for a variety of reasons that in practice have nothing to do with whether or not I can pay for it.

I have said job, now. Indeed, I've already earned a few hundred pounds from it, which is pretty nice.

There's very little in the local area that's any less than £150pw, which is variably half, most or all of my income depending on how many days I'm working that week. But... that's assuming I can cut all the red tape away by magic, which I can't.

[Liquor Box]

The absolute worst consequence of failing a course in high school is that you might have to take a year or two of junior college or your equivalent to show that you're up to speed on your ability, and possibly a remedial course from them.

There is no "permanent record." It goes on your high school transcript, but once you're in college literally zero people will ever ask to see that. No one has even looked at mine since I was 18. I've had friends who outright failed high school, got a GED, and then had to take a placement test at a junior college/community college where they had to take makeup classes from them if they didn't score high enough. Once those are done, no one cares.

I am 30 years old and no one has even asked for mine in over a decade. No one even checks if I graduated high school, other than maybe a few special places that have a security clearance.

Yeah no one has asked to see my high school records since before I graduated college. I don't think I failed any classes exactly but I did get a D in one math class. (Statistics sucks) Nobody asks about it.

This is not always the case, at least where I am from. When big law firms recruit from the top college graduates, they ask for your high school transcript, a high school testimonial, and at least one reference from a high school teacher (in addition to materials related to your college studies and work history).

This is probably not the norm though. I just don't want people to think that their high school results are meaningless.

[Mith]

Hah, I haven't had good luck. It turns out that it's just about impossible to get a place for a variety of reasons that in practice have nothing to do with whether or not I can pay for it.

I have said job, now. Indeed, I've already earned a few hundred pounds from it, which is pretty nice.

There's very little in the local area that's any less than £150pw, which is variably half, most or all of my income depending on how many days I'm working that week. But... that's assuming I can cut all the red tape away by magic, which I can't.

That's unfortunate to hear. I would think that most places in the lower end would have all that much red tape to work through if you could pay. That's the whole point of damage deposits at those lower income places.