Personal Woes and Advice 5

[Bartmanhomer]

Hey everybody. I'm going through a lot of stuff in my life. I don't want to explain any details but I'm feeling a little depressed and I need support.

[Lissou]

Sorry to hear that :( *hugs*

[Bartmanhomer]

Sorry to hear that :( *hugs*

Thank you. My older brother was aruging me like crazy today. I just wish my life was better.

[5crownik007]

Thank you. My older brother was aruging me like crazy today. I just wish my life was better.

I'm going to start speaking in abstract metaphor for a moment, so bear with me.

If there's a dragon in your house, then the worst you can do is to ignore it, because all it will do is set fire to your belongings, break your china and crush your furniture. It may be frightening to approach the dragon. You might be hurt by the dragon, but if you don't deal with it then, it's only going to get worse. Most of all, you've got to at lease acknowledge that the dragon exists.

If your brother was arguing with you, did you have something to argue about? Were you avoiding any sensitive topics? That's the dragon. And yes, having that conversation may be painful, but if you don't have it, then you're going to be burnt to a crisp.

Don't be afraid.
Hope this helps.
Stay safe.

[Bartmanhomer]

I'm going to start speaking in abstract metaphor for a moment, so bear with me.

If there's a dragon in your house, then the worst you can do is to ignore it, because all it will do is set fire to your belongings, break your china and crush your furniture. It may be frightening to approach the dragon. You might be hurt by the dragon, but if you don't deal with it then, it's only going to get worse. Most of all, you've got to at lease acknowledge that the dragon exists.

If your brother was arguing with you, did you have something to argue about? Were you avoiding any sensitive topics? That's the dragon. And yes, having that conversation may be painful, but if you don't have it, then you're going to be burnt to a crisp.

Don't be afraid.
Hope this helps.
Stay safe.

I guess not.

[5crownik007]

I guess not.

If my advice was unhelpful or seemed hurtful, I apologize, just know that I wish the best for you and everyone around you. Aim for a goal, really define it and focus on it. Pick something you know you can do. Make sure you're aiming towards something good. On the way up, things get better, I promise.
Good Luck and best wishes.

[Bartmanhomer]

If my advice was unhelpful or seemed hurtful, I apologize, just know that I wish the best for you and everyone around you. Aim for a goal, really define it and focus on it. Pick something you know you can do. Make sure you're aiming towards something good. On the way up, things get better, I promise.
Good Luck and best wishes.

If was very helpful. I didn't say it wasn't helpful and it wasn't hurtful. I appreciate the support.

[Son of A Lich!]

I'm going to be calling my downstairs neighbor "Cindy" short for Cinderella. I'm going to try to talk about this as neutrally as possible, but I'm beyond Pissed right now and need to get this off my chest.

When Cindy moved in, it was obvious that she was becoming a "Crazy Cat Lady" and not in the lovable Kathrine-of-Sky "lemme tell you about my furbabies" way. She has portraits of her former cats, and while the rules of the property say you can only have 1 cat/dog, she has work arounds to a complete battalion of fuzzy friends in her home. "This isn't my dog, this is my mom's dog that I am fostering for her, because she can't take care of it" "This cat is _____ and he's a coworker's pet that was going to be abandoned, so I took him in to make sure he was properly fed until he can find a good home" etc.

My mom was a vet tech, I had 4 dogs and 3 cats growing up, I'm more then okay with someone having lots of pets. Especially if they are being taken care of well. Now, Cindy's pets are flea treated and fixed, that's not the problem.

She also likes to feed our neighbors pets. By leaving out a big old tray of cat food for them. Which attracts strays and feral cats from all around the neighborhood. and some Raccoons. And Possoms. And Coyotes.

Normally, this would be something I would probably brush off. But she doesn't just attract the cats in the neighborhood, she traps them in the shed, under the house or in the back shed, by putting extra food and water there and then closing the doors to these places in the morning. When I asked her what the hell she thought she was doing, she said that she was "Keeping the (Raccoons, possoms, and coyotes) out, and keeping the cats safe." For the last year, we've had at least 7 cats on the property, outside of her home and not including whatever have been locked inside of the sheds or wherever. We've had 2 litters of kittens born, to my knowledge. Surprisingly, the Coyotes and Raccoons aren't much of a problem. They usually pop in for a day or two and run off (There's just too much activity going on for them to feel safe, I figure). The Possoms, on the other hand, are starting to take up residence.

We've also had people come by and ask if anyone has seen their cat, because, surprise surprise, when you trap people's pets in our shed they kinda wanna take care of their own damn animals, thank you.

I've talked to my land lord about calling in animal control. Numerous times, and "Joe" (Due to lack of creativity) says that this is all Cindy's problem and she needs to deal with it. I talk to Cindy regularly about it, and she always has an answer about why any individual organization isn't "Good enough" to handle the individual cat in question. Kitten rescue groups? Oh no, they're just going to farm the poor kitties if they're pure breds or put them down. That sort of thing (Which, side note, really gets under my nerves because I practically grew up in a Humane Society shelter, I know how they operate, and we don't just simply put animals down).

So this has been a long on-going issue. Cindy is clearly "Adopting" whatever animals are available to live on the property, and our lawn is starting to go bad due to the Kitty piss, believe it or not, it's bad for the grass (As a thirty something year old white male, I'm genetically predisposed to be an authority on lawn work). I've had to deal with fleas twice since she has moved in, and I'm just getting sick of discussing what she intends to do with the strays and feral cats, when she is, in fact, not going to ever do anything.

Her answer to "The Possoms are starting to live here because the cat food is available" was putting out fresh cut fruits under the shed where the cats live. See, she can't call DNR or whatever, on the possoms, because then a new family will just move into their place. This way, the possoms will eat the fruit and the cats will eat the cat food.

Well, I'm glad your thinking of the goddamn possoms' happiness, love.

On Christmas, I got back home from my graveyard shift, and going up the stairs to my unit, I nearly grabbed one of the little possoms who was chilling on the railing in the dark and holding still, because that's what Possoms ****ing do.

and I have had enough of the bull****.

I called animal control myself and they came. I scheduled them when Cindy wasn't home (I'd hate for her to try and stop them) and while I just wanted someone to take care of the possoms, They were much more interested in the cats with mange shoved under the house with other healthy cats.

They were there all day collecting and moving the strays and animals living on the property. It took them a few trips and unfortunately, Cindy came home to see them there and taking her precious little kitties away from the shed and what not.

What's worse? They fined "Joe" because the problem was so damn out of hand, and Cindy had more animals living in her unit then she was allowed to have by city limits. Turns out that "Fostering your mom's cat" isn't an excuse for coding regulations.

So, Now Joe wants to raise my rent for causing a commotion. Cindy is Section 8, and her rent can't be raised because of legal reasons. I was the one that called animal control, I'm, under the wisdom of Joe, am the one responsible for making this big ass mess. I told Joe about the problems with the cats. I told him about the possoms. I told him about the Raccoons and the neighbors wanting their pets back. He KNEW this was an issue and getting out of hand. He's had to go under the house a couple of times to clear out the cats himself.

How the **** is it MY FAULT she's trying to be a one woman PETA?

Oh, and today, I came downstairs to see a fresh goddamn plate of fruit under the shed to lure a new family of possoms.

(I'm already looking for a new place, I'm not dealing with this bull**** anymore. I love Cindy as a person, I've walked her not-her-dog- and helped with her litter boxes when she wasn't home, but I'm not dealing with an urban zoo in my back yard and Kitten snatching schemes, enough is enough. I'm done, I'm not paying extra because she is having a compulsion to collect anything cat like in a 5 mile radius. I just needed to vent and let this bull**** out.)

[5crownik007]

You did the right thing. Cindy and your landlord were being unreasonable. I would suggest that with your future landlord(if you have one) that you become well acquainted with them. If you are good friends with your landlord, they will be more receptive to your suggestions. Of course I'm not suggesting that you become friends with your landlord just to exploit that relationship, but maintaining a good relationship with your landlord/business partners is important.

Best wishes for your future.

[Honest Tiefling]

1) Check with tenant advocacy agencies. There might be a legal thing against raising your rent due to calling the police, or you can get a reduction due to the conditions of the yard. Many are free in the US, so it's worth checking out.

2) Don't try to become friends with the next landlord. Some really don't like it, and find it a bit weird. Maintain a polite and professional relationship, and be helpful and understanding when possible and is reasonable. Consider documenting things to protect yourself as well.

[druid91]

So, I'm stuck in a bit of an odd situation.

to make a long story short, I'm finally in a financial situation where I can potentially move out of my parents and, depending on certain circumstances might be doing so within the next couple of months. Now, one of my parents is a MASSIVE minimalist. Big on throwing everything away, living in tiny houses or RV's, stuff is evil, don't be a slave to stuff, etc etc etc. And they insist this is the only true way to live. We've but heads over this before because I fundamentally disagree. I find Minimalism to be a waste of time, money, and effort. If something is taking up space, but I'm not USING that space, then it doesn't matter. Removing it hasn't gained me anything. When I need/want the space, something breaks etc, I remove things. Until then, I don't.

This is further compounded by the fact that for the past few years I've been gathering odds and ends so that I can have things like dishes once I move out as I foresaw this situation coming up. Meaning my tiny 9x9 room is very cluttered because I have a small apartments worth of stuff displacing things that would normally be away, meaning aforementioned parents clutter-dar is going off. Mind you, all my stuff is contained in the one room as I'm very particular about letting it spill out into communal spaces.

Now, with me potentially leaving in the near future they've basically come to confront me and say that I have to get rid of things and declutter, because they don't want me taking 'The Symbol of their Failure as a parent' with me. To me, all this says is that more and more this seems less like a philosophy and more and more like a cult or a mental disorder. But, this being my parent, I don't want to be rude and just outright say this. All in all this seems to be more about their emotional NEED to 'declutter' than it does an actual practical philosophy about disposal of extraneous junk.

[Recherché]

Could you "give" the stuff to a friend and then reclaim it later and tell the parents that you ended up missing it and needing it?

[kgato503]

Alternately, are you in a position where you could rent out a storage locker for a few months? You can then store things there, and get them out of the house. This will bite into your finances a little, but depending on your location there are some rather affordable options. If you do have a friend willing to help, you might be able to get a small storage container delivered to them that can later be delivered to your new place once it is loaded.

Also, you mentioned that one of your parents are this way. How does the other one feel (provided they are in the picture), and would they be willing to intercede on your behalf? I take it talking to the parent you are having trouble with hasn't gained you anything at this point, so asking the other parent as a third party to help might gain you some breathing room.

[Honest Tiefling]

Some landlords of apartments and houses will let you drop off a few boxes of stuff before your official move in date as well. Some cannot offer this (because it's still occupied) but it could shave some time off of a storage locker or other solution.

Do you have a relative who is on terrible (preferably not talking) terms with your parent making the demand? Or a potential new roommate who could hold onto the stuff?

I'd consider taking pictures of the stuff so you know it's being tampered with and carry a list on you of the stuff so you don't forget anything.

[dehro]

Move your stuff out before you move out, either putting it in storage or at a friend's/relative's... Just to make sure they won't be tempted to throw stuff away for you as the moving out date approaches.
Be a little unspecific about said date so that they won't feel the urge to take initiative.
That said, ignore said parent. Unless you move into an equally small living situation, your stuff will probably look like a lot less stuff once it's spread out over your new place.
Talk to the other parent and see if you can get their support and an opinion on the stuff you're actually "collecting".
Look out for yourself and make sure that you're not swinging towards the other end of the pendulum as a reaction to your minimalist parent; you don't want to become a hoarder to subconsciously spite your parent.
Do throw away a few token items you can actually do without. Minimalism does have a few merits for a first time and potentially small living accommodation. Make as big a deal as is reasonable about you throwing said things away and involve the minimalist parent in the proceeding. It will give them a small victory and get them if your back to some degree.
Once you're settled in, check if you haven't been collecting stuff that you don't actually need. Preparing for an independent life and actually living one are two different experiences and the home-alone "I'm free now and will buy whatever crap I want because I can" knee jerk reaction is an actual thing.. So beware of that. You might find that a few of the things you collected, you don't actually need. If so, use getting rid of those as an olive branch towards your problematic parent.

[Cozzer]

The moment when a parent defines themselves as a "failure of a parent" while talking with their child, that's the moment where you stop caring about anything they say or want. That kind of passive-aggressive shaming is crossing dozens of lines. Is there any risk they will throw away your things while you're not home? If you don't think that's a possibility, a simple "I don't care what you want" would be my advice. You might want to explain them once why you need to keep all that stuff in your tiny room - they will probably pretend they didn't hear, or conveniently forget about the explaination the next time they want to feel self-righteous about this.

If you feel there is the risk they will throw away your stuff when you can't stop them, then it might be worthwhile to look into storage space renting, or asking a few friends for a favor (while it's unlikely that a single friend will be able to keep all of your things, you could probably put away at least the most important/pricey items by dividing them between several people).

I would advise against extending olive branches or making concessions towards the parent, honestly. In my experience, that's not how mental disorders work: it's all about power over you. If you give them something because they put pressure on you, what they will learn is that putting more pressure on you is the way to get what they want out of you. What they need to learn is that this whole strategy has zero effect and they have no power whatsoever to force you to do what they want if it's not what you want.

[Recherché]

Ugh, I got a horrible grade on the final project for one of my classes. To be fair I knew I wasn't doing great on this assignment when I turned it in but I'd hoped for better. I think I'll pass the class anyways but I'm feeling really upset about it. It isn't even a class I really like or a teacher I like either.

[Tvtyrant]

Is this for a high school or university course? You likely could reach out and ask for an extension so you can revise it, teachers/profs tend to be accommodating if you put the work in.

[Recherché]

Is this for a high school or university course? You likely could reach out and ask for an extension so you can revise it, teachers/profs tend to be accommodating if you put the work in.

Grad school. I'm also feeling like I want to move on from this class and this teacher. I don't really want to revisit it. It's been raking myself over the goals to do it the first time so and the professor ends up making me feel like I'm worthless.

Edit: To clarify, when I was having trouble with a different assignment due to it triggering my anxiety issues I sent him an anonymous message. His response included a suggestion that I quit the course because it wasn't for me. After that I haven't talked with him more than is necessary and didn't ask for any additional help with later assignments.

[zlefin]

Grad school. I'm also feeling like I want to move on from this class and this teacher. I don't really want to revisit it. It's been raking myself over the goals to do it the first time so and the professor ends up making me feel like I'm worthless.

Edit: To clarify, when I was having trouble with a different assignment due to it triggering my anxiety issues I sent him an anonymous message. His response included a suggestion that I quit the course because it wasn't for me. After that I haven't talked with him more than is necessary and didn't ask for any additional help with later assignments.

talk to him indirectly might work.
i.e. talk to university ombudsman or psych office noting how stressful it is to deal with the prof directly; and have that office talk to the prof about an arrangement.

or just accept the bad grade and work around any issues it causes. would putting all the blame for the bad grade on the prof being a bad prof make you feel better? i.e. regardless of how the university considers things, if you personally put all the blame for it on the prof would that help?

[Florian]

And then what? It should be more imperative to get the whole anxiety thing cleared up. Else end up on the job market and, well....

[Recherché]

And then what? It should be more imperative to get the whole anxiety thing cleared up. Else end up on the job market and, well....

Uhm get that whole anxiety thing cleared up? What the he? It's not something that goes away like a cold. It's part of who I am. It's caused in part by my genetics and brain chemistry, not things that are permanently fixable. Getting to the point where I'm not slef harming, where I know my limits and how to work around them, where I'm mostly functional in the world and most people don't know or need to know that I have issues? That has taken years and medications and meditation and therapy. It's not going to clear up. It's going to be something I manage for the rest of my life to some degree.

I refuse to believe that makes me unfit though. I got into grad school and I'm keeping up with classes. I've been employed even if I'm not right now so the job market is not insurmountable. If I let my mental health issues define me then I would not be where I am today. That doesn't mean that sometimes I don't need a hand but I can extend that hand down to help someone else just as often as I need one up.

I do not regularly need to talk to the disability services office at my university. Most people there never know that I have problems. The only reason I could be anonymous in the message I sent is because the problem professor does not know who I am from a description of my issues.

I have cracks from where I've fallen apart and put myself back together. That does not make me broken.

[Florian]

@Recherché:

To me, zieflins advice sounded like you should pull the "Disabled Card" to solve the problem. I've seen a bit too many people trying to misuse the EU Anti Discrimination Act to force their way first around some profs and later tried to gain a job that way, with... let's say very undesirable results for all sides involved. That's why my reaction to that is a bit allergic.

[WarKitty]

Lot of things going on still. But the biggest one...I still don't get it with the whole therapy deal.

My absolute biggest nightmares - literal nightmares, the kind where you wake up shaking - are all directly from being in therapy. Every single time I have been truly suicidal, has been triggered directly by seeking mental health treatment. It doesn't come up outside of that context ever. And I really do think the time I spent in therapy severely delayed me being able to actually deal with what was going on in my life and probably even made me more susceptible to further abuse.

I don't know where to turn. I literally end up shaking if I try to talk to people and get pushed to go to therapy. Actually thinking of going back is...basically literally saying I'd have to go and relive my worst nightmare. I can't do it. And I don't know how to reconcile how it was such a horrible traumatic experience for me, with the constant message that therapy is the way to go and the only way to heal. I don't know where else to turn when therapy is supposed to be the way.

I know I can come across as paranoid. I also know that if someone said they were worried about the exact things that actually have happened to me, they'd probably come across as paranoid. I've been assured many times that things that I've had happen can't happen or aren't common enough to worry about. I've been assured some of the things that have happened to me were actually illegal - but that there's really pretty much nothing I could have done.

I don't feel safe. I don't feel like I can seek support anywhere because of how hard the push is to go to therapy. It feel like saying "unless you decide to go back to a horrible nightmare you don't want to get better." I'm terrified to cut contact with my mother in large part because of the fear that she'll have me reported as suicidal and saying things I didn't say or doing things I didn't do. I know I could not hide my fear if someone came to check up on me. In a lot of places merely having someone else say you said you were a danger to yourself, is enough to have you forcibly taken in. I don't think I could handle that, I know having to deal with the mental health system after all I've been through is the one thing that can very quickly destabilize my mental health even if I'm otherwise doing fine.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel like I can feel safe or adequately seek help for this, and I don't know what to do.

[AMFV]

I don't know what to do. I don't feel like I can feel safe or adequately seek help for this, and I don't know what to do.

Have you ever been to an inpatient thing? Cause if you're suicidal and are really feeling that way then maybe that might be something worth looking into. I know that there's a really big difference between impatient care and therapy outside. The big one being that impatient care they can do all kinds of things to make it so that you can cope and stuff that can set you up better for therapy. I mean that might not be the best thing for you, but I know that when I went that way it was the best thing for me.

[WarKitty]

Have you ever been to an inpatient thing? Cause if you're suicidal and are really feeling that way then maybe that might be something worth looking into. I know that there's a really big difference between impatient care and therapy outside. The big one being that impatient care they can do all kinds of things to make it so that you can cope and stuff that can set you up better for therapy. I mean that might not be the best thing for you, but I know that when I went that way it was the best thing for me.

No. The point I'm making is I've had the sucidal label put on me and used to justify horrible treatment that was "meant to help" and if I didn't like it that meant I didn't know what I needed and had to be forced to keep dealing with abusive people.

In-patient is literally my worst nightmare, and I'm terrified though because I've found other people reporting on my mental health is taken more seriously than what I say. And with my mother a false report is a real possibility.

I wish I had never heard of therapy - all it's been in my life is a conduit to perpetuate and enable abuse. I cope ok until someone tries to make me deal with the mental health system and then that's when I start really having problems.

[AMFV]

No. The point I'm making is I've had the sucidal label put on me and used to justify horrible treatment that was "meant to help" and if I didn't like it that meant I didn't know what I needed and had to be forced to keep dealing with abusive people.

In-patient is literally my worst nightmare, and I'm terrified though because I've found other people reporting on my mental health is taken more seriously than what I say. And with my mother a false report is a real possibility.

I wish I had never heard of therapy - all it's been in my life is a conduit to perpetuate and enable abuse. I cope ok until someone tries to make me deal with the mental health system and then that's when I start really having problems.

Have you considered moving? To some place that's far enough away that your mother won't be able to actively interfere in your life in the way she is now? That would be my recommendation. It's not that much more expensive than moving to a different apartment in the same location, and from what I recall about your job there should be opportunities in other cities as well.

[WarKitty]

Even that aside - it's like a reminder of trauma that you can't ever escape from. Last time I tried to reach out in person I got told you should be in therapy for that. I went home and cried for hours. And even people who would normally respect you asking them to back off won't when it comes to therapy, because it's seen as always a good thing.

[2D8HP]

...Last time I tried to reach out in person I got told you should be in therapy for that....

Sounds like your acquaintances are telling you that they don't want to hear your pain.

[ve4grm]

No. The point I'm making is I've had the sucidal label put on me and used to justify horrible treatment that was "meant to help" and if I didn't like it that meant I didn't know what I needed and had to be forced to keep dealing with abusive people.

In-patient is literally my worst nightmare, and I'm terrified though because I've found other people reporting on my mental health is taken more seriously than what I say. And with my mother a false report is a real possibility.

I wish I had never heard of therapy - all it's been in my life is a conduit to perpetuate and enable abuse. I cope ok until someone tries to make me deal with the mental health system and then that's when I start really having problems.

Your experience with therapy has been so terrible. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice on how to get past that. It's a trauma, and it should never have been that way. I can only offer my condolences and best wishes.

For the thing with your mom, though...

It may be possible (ask your doctor maybe?) in your state to put a medical directive on your health records that instructs medical workers to disregard reports made by your mother (maybe along with the reasons why). It would be similar to setting up power of attorney, but in reverse. Up here, it's a form called a "Health Care Directive" and we can define both people who can make medical decisions for us if we're incapacitated, and treatment instructions (treatments you wish to have or avoid, specific circumstances surrounding those decisions, etc.)

It may not be a specific form where you are, but may still be something a doctor can put in your files.

Because it's to do with mental health, you may need someone to witness the form (doctor or otherwise) to sign off that you wrote it while of sound mind. But look into it. Removing your mother from your mental health care would be a huge step, I think.