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Thread: Creativity (need rating)
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2018-05-11, 12:59 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2018
Creativity (need rating)
Hello guys
Please, rate my piece of writing. From the point of view of creativity.
Here's the quote from the whole piece:
On one day, without any particular reason, she disappeared. Noone could tell you where or when, at what exact time. You just felt that she was gone. Gone. The word like a bell rang in your ears. And without consideration, you set out on a journey.Last edited by terencemall; 2018-05-11 at 01:03 AM.
Lynchburg guy
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2018-05-11, 02:04 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2014
Re: Creativity (need rating)
"One day, the book was boring. I couldn't tell you why or how or where it went wrong. I just knew it was dull. Shallow. The monotony drug on like a lazy summer day. And without consideration, I closed the book never to read it again."
Two out of ten. That's being generous.Last edited by Razade; 2018-05-11 at 02:07 AM.
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2018-05-11, 02:40 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2015
- Location
- UK
Re: Creativity (need rating)
Not sure what you're really expecting here, OP. A small snippet like that is never going to be enough to develop any constructive criticism, and if you're trying to troll us into read the whole thing, you at least need to link us to it. If you want us to do your English homework for you... we might not be the best people to turn to!
On the snippet: as a premise for a story, what you've got there is rather clichéd. The writing is... fine, but you're not setting the world alight here. Not much more I can say at this point.Last edited by Ninja_Prawn; 2018-05-11 at 02:41 AM.
Lydia Seaspray by Oneris!
A Faerie Affair
Homebrew: Sig
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2018-05-11, 10:39 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2009
Re: Creativity (need rating)
Agreeing that we need more to give any true rating, but two things that ring to me:
1) you are using second-person. That is hard to do well. I could see this as a slight intro paragraph to start a chapter, like a bit of italicized text sometimes under a chapter heading, but a different point of view than the rest of the chapter.
2) While cliche in a lot of ways, it is also intriguing and a good 'hook'. The protagonist could just sense it--what sort of magic system is in play, or was it just metaphor. How is 'she' gone? Erased from memory and reality, or just mundanely missing.
I would be rather disappointed if it turned out not to be hinting at something supernatural.
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2018-05-11, 11:50 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2015
- Location
- An igloo near you
- Gender
Re: Creativity (need rating)
My first thought is that it would be really cool if "she" was a goddess and "you" were one of her faithful. The MC ("you") assumes that something is killing the gods; a quest for answers ensues. I'll leave you to create the ending
My completely awesome avatar (I call her Quill) has been generously crafted by the esteemed Honest Tiefling!
GENERATION 21: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig and add 1 to the generation. social experiment.
DEGENERATION 87: Copy this into your sig and subtract 1 from the degeneration when you first see it. This is an antisocial experiment.
Gosh, 2D8HP, you are so very correct (and also good-looking) and your humility is stunning.
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2018-05-11, 01:44 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2015
- Location
- UK
Re: Creativity (need rating)
I'll grant you this: it could be an excellent writing prompt for other people to build on, like if you are a creative writing teacher or something. There are lots of subversive directions you could take it.
Lydia Seaspray by Oneris!
A Faerie Affair
Homebrew: Sig
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2018-05-11, 04:52 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2014
- Location
- Tulips Cheese & Rock&Roll
- Gender
Re: Creativity (need rating)
"This piece of text does not show creativity, because it's short and does not contain any unexpected or cleverly combined plot elements. It shows a little bit of my writing style, but not al all my creativity. So you ask me for more of my writing in order to judge it."
The Hindsight Awards, results: See the best movies of 1999!
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2018-05-13, 11:34 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2015
- Location
- San Francisco Bay area
- Gender
Re: Creativity (need rating)
Not bad, I'd change it like so:
On one day, without any particular reason, she disappeared. No one could tellyouname of a character where or when, at what exact time.YouHe, She, orThey just felt that she was gone. Gone. The word like a bell rang inyour[I][b] her/his/their ears. And without consideration,youname of character set out on a journey.
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2018-05-13, 11:37 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2011
Re: Creativity (need rating)
For all of your completely and utterly honest needs. Zaydos made, Tiefling approved.
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2018-05-13, 09:48 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2015
- Location
- An igloo near you
- Gender
Re: Creativity (need rating)
Not bad, I'd change it like so:
On one day, without any particular reason, she disappeared. No one could tellyouname of a character where or when, at what exact time.YouHe, She, orThey just felt that she was gone. Gone. The word like a bell rang inyour[I][b] her/his/theirher/his/their ears. And without consideration,youname of character set out on a journey.
My completely awesome avatar (I call her Quill) has been generously crafted by the esteemed Honest Tiefling!
GENERATION 21: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig and add 1 to the generation. social experiment.
DEGENERATION 87: Copy this into your sig and subtract 1 from the degeneration when you first see it. This is an antisocial experiment.
Gosh, 2D8HP, you are so very correct (and also good-looking) and your humility is stunning.
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2018-05-14, 07:13 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2012
- Location
- UK
- Gender
Re: Creativity (need rating)
Actually the above doesn't work, the third sentence could come out as follows: "She felt that she was gone", and with both 'she's in this sentence referring to different people it's a big "no-no". Since you are using the pronoun "she" throughout for the one who has "gone" you probably need to use a name in every place where people have suggested other pronouns (that or replace "she" with a name); if you want to use pronouns "they" works best.
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2018-05-14, 08:26 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2006
- Location
- Germany
Re: Creativity (need rating)
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2018-05-14, 08:47 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2013
- Gender
Re: Creativity (need rating)
I'm peefed by the "without any particular reason".
How do you know? If this is written from the perspective of "you", the reader, and you don't know where or when she went, how come you do know it didn't have any particular reason? You can't both make it seem like the reader doesn't know anything about this strange disappearance (except for a gut feel), and then also give all-knowing information like the fact that it didn't have any reason. It makes me confused about the way information works in this tale (is the narrator all-knowing or not?)
Also, being nitpicky (what else can you do with only one sentence): "the word [...] rang in your ears" - my ears? Someone said the word? It seemed like I just thought "Gone". Did I speak it out loud? Did someone else tell me the word? How did it end up in my ears?