If you were turned into a monster, what monster whould you like to be turned intro?

[2D8HP]

...I am a bit at a loss what many people here consider "monsters" (Elfs? Dwarves? hello?)

They're all in the Manual, so use 'em, also when I'm the DM, most anything that is not a human dirt farmer is monstrous (and sometimes they are as well, when the Druids tell them the harvest demands a sacrifice):

Dwarves are underground dwellers who make cursed items (The Ring des Nibelungen),

Elves are child stealing near demons ( the "Fair Folk").

When in doubt, just assume that they're going to torture and kill you.

Goblins?

Steal your cattle, and poison your wells in the night.

Kings?

Take your crops, and maybe your children for their wars.

Gods/Goddesses?

Out of spite they turn you into spider or a tree, and make you suffer eternally.

Best to stay in the fields you know, keep your head low and escape "the high ones" notice.

Failing that?

Grab some iron, and cut the bastards!

Considering that from my experience, your posts are always fun to read, and often contain a good deal wit and thought, your self assesment is a bit disconcerting as far as I am concerned.

Wow that is kind.

Thanks!

(But compared to when my wife first met me over 25 years ago, I really am goblinoid, she on the other hand may be quarter Elf).

On that note:

Since I don't really "role-play" so much as "let's pretend", my current go-to D&D race for my PC's is Half-Elf so I may play PC's my age that are fit and spry.

Be a vampire; then you can bring her along. Women break out their best nighties for vampires...

I...
....may change my choice yet again.

[Jay R]

Does she read the boards, or are you just still that in love with her?

When she moved in eighteen years ago, my comics were in the attic. She insisted that they come down into the climate controlled house, and we now have a room just for games, comics, and related items. She's watched Smallville more times than I have. She geeks out more about Game of Thrones than I do. She shares my fascination with Richard Sharpe.

She introduced me to Babylon 5. She has a complete Elfquest. She now takes me to all the new comic book based movies. She supports my collection of swashbuckling movies. We have worked together on Latin medieval documents. [She has more legal knowledge. I know more Latin.]

We share deep focus and knowledge of Tolkien, Lewis, and Star Trek.

And then there's this D&D character interaction. This was a game in which she played Rowena, and I played Ornrandir.

Spoiler

Show

Several years ago, in a 2E game, my character was Ornrandir, a male elven mage/thief, given the title of the Earl of Devon by the king. He was an outcast orphan who had only recently formed any attachments to anybody. I had played him as emotionally undeveloped but brilliant. My wife was playing Rowena, a female human wizard, a lady-in-waiting to the queen. She had been in an ivory tower (literally) studying magic since she was a child. She played her as an extreme nerd. The royalty had started leaning on us to make political marriages, which is to say that the DM wanted to do some political intrigue. We decided to trump the whole romantic process and sent the following email to the entire gaming group.

A situation has occurred. It will affect the party to some extent, so I guess you should all hear about it. The two of us decided to explain it to you in character, so here it is.

(You may ignore which account this email came from; it was written by the two of us together.)
-----------------------

Rowena has been traveling to Devon Manor regularly to do magical research stuff and help set up the schools there, make scrolls, etc. The next time she visits after a Certain Conversation with the Queen, once she and Ornrandir are alone in the study where they work together on magic, she initiates the following conversation:

Rowena: The Queen tells me I really ought to give some thought to perpetuating magical bloodlines and recommends I consider marrying you.

Ornrandir: I’ve heard similar rumblings. Countess Elanor told me I have to find someone to marry, too. Something about an heir for the county.

Rowena: It is a rational idea. It is just that I have never really considered it before. I have been rather busy learning magic; all that physical stuff seemed so…worldly.

Ornrandir: I certainly know little about it. I’ve never had any family, and I've been an outcast all my life, except for those occasions when the only female I’ve traveled with was Lorelei, the paladin.

Rowena: The gaggle of giggling girls I must spend time with these days seems so focused on the idea.

Ornrandir: I know. Everyone but you is so stupid.

Rowena: I am already spending a lot of time here anyway.

Ornrandir: My servants wouldn’t have to prepare separate rooms for you each time. That would be convenient. And we seem able to get along.

Rowena: After all, we worked well together blasting hundreds of goblins with lightning bolts.

Ornrandir: I enjoyed casting coordinated lightning bolts with you. I’ve never felt so connected to another person before.

Rowena: After that, how difficult could this marriage thing be?

Ornrandir: Love is one of the strongest and most mysterious forces of the universe. Of course, controlling arcane cosmic forces is what wizards do. Maybe we should research a spell for it?

Rowena: As a mage, I will not age as quickly as normals; being elven, you of course will not age at all, so I really do not see why we need to be in a big hurry. And why should I care about being considered – how did she put it? Oh, yes – an "old maid".

Ornrandir: That seems like a meaningless phrase. Everybody becomes old, and an unmarried woman is of course a maid.

Rowena: On the other hand, your life expectancy, given your penchant for getting into trouble, isn’t exactly eternal. [looks him up and down appraisingly] At least if I marry you, you won’t keep getting ripped off by the tailors. You paid far too much for that rag you’re wearing.

Ornrandir: Fine by me. I’d be happy not to have to think about clothes any more.

Rowena: You thought about … that?

Ornrandir: Of course. It has a fleece collar, so I always have the material component for Phantasmal Force, feathers as decorations so I can fly, and several pockets worked into it here for other components. It has two internal pockets for scrolls, this hidden pocket for a dagger, and Lorelei will never figure out where the thieves’ tools are. It's green, for easy concealment in the trees. See? I carefully considered every relevant sartorial issue.

Rowena: I see. Yes, I believe I should take over those decisions. [Pause.] I would prefer to avoid that spectacle that Aduphus went through to marry Lady Stanley. The collective intelligence of her Majesty’s ladies dropped like a stone the instant someone said, “wedding”, and all they could talk about for weeks was fripperies and lace. Why do you think I spent so much time here writing out scrolls?

Ornrandir: Believe me, I understand. Since I developed the gold and mithril mines, all the nobles have been throwing their daughters at me. A year earlier they were offended that I was allowed to carry a weapon, and now they want me to sheathe one in their daughters.

Rowena: So how quickly can we get this over with?

Ornrandir: Well, when they assigned us to go fetch the Prince, we started out on the task immediately. Is the priest available today?

Rowena: I suppose we need to tell the Queen first. She might have an opinion about how it is done. So we are fully agreed about the marriage?

Ornrandir: It does seem like the logical thing to do [says the pointy-eared member of the couple].

Rowena: I’m glad we were able to work this out rationally, without the usual tawdry, emotional mess.

Ornrandir: Of course. We may be the two most intelligent people on the planet. We won’t let maudlin sentimentality distract us from rational analysis.

Rowena: Well, I am glad that that is settled. Now back to important matters - about that scroll we were discussing…

Just saying: I'm kind of a tad jealous right now.

I fully understand. I would envy myself too.

[Quoxis]

From what i've read that's not particularly cool, at least not enough for people to want to be it, but: something undead.

Not a mind- and brainless zombie, but a highly powered lich. Maybe even a monstrous one (as a typical lich is technically somewhere between a human(oid) and an undead), like a dracolich or a death tyrant (undead beholder, retaining its mind and most of its powers).

- no more needless bodily functions like having to eat, sleep, defacate etc., but furthermore no risk of sudden death by brain aneurisms or heart attacks (which is something that doesn't happen in DnD, so plenty of people tend to forget about it)

- an even more distorted time perception than elves etc. have - "oh darn, it's the year 3416 and i still start dates with a 2!" - which leads to epic (awake) naps of 200 years, followed by game sessions that could last for an eternity or two

- freaking zombies. I can't recall a lich that didn't have undead servants, and the coolness of having a butler that's a skeleton in a tuxedo is hard to top off

[Quoxis]

And then there's this D&D character interaction. This was a game in which she played Rowena, and I played Ornrandir.

Spoiler

Show

Several years ago, in a 2E game, my character was Ornrandir, a male elven mage/thief, given the title of the Earl of Devon by the king. He was an outcast orphan who had only recently formed any attachments to anybody. I had played him as emotionally undeveloped but brilliant. My wife was playing Rowena, a female human wizard, a lady-in-waiting to the queen. She had been in an ivory tower (literally) studying magic since she was a child. She played her as an extreme nerd. The royalty had started leaning on us to make political marriages, which is to say that the DM wanted to do some political intrigue. We decided to trump the whole romantic process and sent the following email to the entire gaming group.

A situation has occurred. It will affect the party to some extent, so I guess you should all hear about it. The two of us decided to explain it to you in character, so here it is.

(You may ignore which account this email came from; it was written by the two of us together.)
-----------------------

Rowena has been traveling to Devon Manor regularly to do magical research stuff and help set up the schools there, make scrolls, etc. The next time she visits after a Certain Conversation with the Queen, once she and Ornrandir are alone in the study where they work together on magic, she initiates the following conversation:

Rowena: The Queen tells me I really ought to give some thought to perpetuating magical bloodlines and recommends I consider marrying you.

Ornrandir: I’ve heard similar rumblings. Countess Elanor told me I have to find someone to marry, too. Something about an heir for the county.

Rowena: It is a rational idea. It is just that I have never really considered it before. I have been rather busy learning magic; all that physical stuff seemed so…worldly.

Ornrandir: I certainly know little about it. I’ve never had any family, and I've been an outcast all my life, except for those occasions when the only female I’ve traveled with was Lorelei, the paladin.

Rowena: The gaggle of giggling girls I must spend time with these days seems so focused on the idea.

Ornrandir: I know. Everyone but you is so stupid.

Rowena: I am already spending a lot of time here anyway.

Ornrandir: My servants wouldn’t have to prepare separate rooms for you each time. That would be convenient. And we seem able to get along.

Rowena: After all, we worked well together blasting hundreds of goblins with lightning bolts.

Ornrandir: I enjoyed casting coordinated lightning bolts with you. I’ve never felt so connected to another person before.

Rowena: After that, how difficult could this marriage thing be?

Ornrandir: Love is one of the strongest and most mysterious forces of the universe. Of course, controlling arcane cosmic forces is what wizards do. Maybe we should research a spell for it?

Rowena: As a mage, I will not age as quickly as normals; being elven, you of course will not age at all, so I really do not see why we need to be in a big hurry. And why should I care about being considered – how did she put it? Oh, yes – an "old maid".

Ornrandir: That seems like a meaningless phrase. Everybody becomes old, and an unmarried woman is of course a maid.

Rowena: On the other hand, your life expectancy, given your penchant for getting into trouble, isn’t exactly eternal. [looks him up and down appraisingly] At least if I marry you, you won’t keep getting ripped off by the tailors. You paid far too much for that rag you’re wearing.

Ornrandir: Fine by me. I’d be happy not to have to think about clothes any more.

Rowena: You thought about … that?

Ornrandir: Of course. It has a fleece collar, so I always have the material component for Phantasmal Force, feathers as decorations so I can fly, and several pockets worked into it here for other components. It has two internal pockets for scrolls, this hidden pocket for a dagger, and Lorelei will never figure out where the thieves’ tools are. It's green, for easy concealment in the trees. See? I carefully considered every relevant sartorial issue.

Rowena: I see. Yes, I believe I should take over those decisions. [Pause.] I would prefer to avoid that spectacle that Aduphus went through to marry Lady Stanley. The collective intelligence of her Majesty’s ladies dropped like a stone the instant someone said, “wedding”, and all they could talk about for weeks was fripperies and lace. Why do you think I spent so much time here writing out scrolls?

Ornrandir: Believe me, I understand. Since I developed the gold and mithril mines, all the nobles have been throwing their daughters at me. A year earlier they were offended that I was allowed to carry a weapon, and now they want me to sheathe one in their daughters.

Rowena: So how quickly can we get this over with?

Ornrandir: Well, when they assigned us to go fetch the Prince, we started out on the task immediately. Is the priest available today?

Rowena: I suppose we need to tell the Queen first. She might have an opinion about how it is done. So we are fully agreed about the marriage?

Ornrandir: It does seem like the logical thing to do [says the pointy-eared member of the couple].

Rowena: I’m glad we were able to work this out rationally, without the usual tawdry, emotional mess.

Ornrandir: Of course. We may be the two most intelligent people on the planet. We won’t let maudlin sentimentality distract us from rational analysis.

Rowena: Well, I am glad that that is settled. Now back to important matters - about that scroll we were discussing…

You don't happen to be a writer for "the big bang theory", do you?

[veti]

I pick:

The monster that can scatter a horde of barbarians faster than a deity-sized bowling ball. The one monster that paladins are really scared of. The monster that's so cool, it has a fan on its own tail...

The rust monster.

Mind, I'd want to be someone's pet. Someone who can cast Antimagic for preference.

[Crooked Man]

I pick:

The monster that can scatter a horde of barbarians faster than a deity-sized bowling ball. The one monster that paladins are really scared of. The monster that's so cool, it has a fan on its own tail...

The rust monster.

Mind, I'd want to be someone's pet. Someone who can cast Antimagic for preference.

You need the plastic version of that monster. The ban of modern society.

[golentan]

You need the plastic version of that monster. The ban of modern society.

Salvation, more like. Reduce the burden of landfills by a massive amount just by keeping a stable of cute, pony sized bugs, who can be safely ridden by children?

[Scarlet Knight]

Yes, until the cottage industry pops up and we discover they produce more methane than a herd of cattle and my Uncle Vero combined...

[Quoxis]

Yes, until the cottage industry pops up and we discover they produce more methane than a herd of cattle and my Uncle Vero combined...

Simple: we'll breed the rust monster equivalent for cattle, cottages and Vero!
What could possibly go wrong?

[JBPuffin]

Oh boy. A couple of notable things.

• Immortality: Must be optional, like killswitch optional. Heck, just a life long enough to see my great-grandson graduate college would be enough time, so there are quite a few options here.
• Sig. Oth: Not a consideration if I turned into one today, so I'm cool with being something non-compatible. I'll be a single parent to adopted children if need me.
• Desired Powers: I don't need much. Not having to sleep to not go insane/reset my internal clock would be nice. Improved physicality for sure, a form of low-level levitation or easygoing flight would be awesome.

So, with that in mind...Shardmind. Construct, so sleep, food, drink, and air are no concerns; shard storms are awesome, I could round the corners so I'm kid-friendly; and when I'm done with this world, I'll just find the Living Gate. Everything i'd need.

[druid91]

I will never understand the concept of being done with life when one has the option to go on.

We've experienced but a small fraction of an epic story THOUSANDS of years long covering the entire surface of a planet. A story so long it's literally impossible to tell every facet of it with our current lifespans because we would die long before we finished.

[Lord Joeltion]

I will never understand the concept of being done with life when one has the option to go on.

We've experienced but a small fraction of an epic story THOUSANDS of years long covering the entire surface of a planet. A story so long it's literally impossible to tell every facet of it with our current lifespans because we would die long before we finished.

I, on the other hand, will never understand why people would ever want to be trapped forever inside a human body.

Thing is, most people who fantasize with eternal life, relate immortality with magic in some way or another (becoming a vampire, elf, angel, demon, etc). Which is fine and all, but infinitely long life-span isn't the most exciting part of becoming a magical being. Magic is the fun part. I wouldn't mind living for a mere 24hs if I get to be a dragon for a day (or even any kind of magic user). It will certainly be much more exciting than a boring eternity as a muggle (and arguably, more useful).

But "scientific" immortality isn't fun. It's just living forever. In a universe which almost with 99% certainty won't last forever. Infinitely more than a human lifespan certainly, but still not even close to forever. It's not that it's irrational, but it is impractical at least. Human body (and mind) has way more limitations than most people like to acknowledge, and as such; immortality easily becomes a curse rather than a blessing.

Now, if said "immortality" came with certain clauses like "self-destruct button", or "eternal, but still able to die". That's probably different. At least, you wouldn't have to fear being stuck inside a star (or roaming in the vacuum of space) for all eternity. And if we were to accept sci-fi speculative science; I'd like to spend the rest of the next eons as a motherfriggin Cybertronian. That, I certainly wouldn't mind in the least.

[Telonius]

But "scientific" immortality isn't fun. It's just living forever. In a universe which almost with 99% certainty won't last forever. Infinitely more than a human lifespan certainly, but still not even close to forever. It's not that it's irrational, but it is impractical at least. Human body (and mind) has way more limitations than most people like to acknowledge, and as such; immortality easily becomes a curse rather than a blessing.

This is a great point. The ancient Greeks thought about this one in their story of Tithonus. He got eternal life, but his body withered away into a cricket. And (most recently) Doctor Who looked at the consequences of eternity on the human mind with Ashildr. A human brain just isn't set up to remember thousands of years' worth of material.

[Rynjin]

This is a great point. The ancient Greeks thought about this one in their story of Tithonus. He got eternal life, but his body withered away into a cricket. And (most recently) Doctor Who looked at the consequences of eternity on the human mind with Ashildr. A human brain just isn't set up to remember thousands of years' worth of material.

Tithonus is a different scenario entirely. What joeltion is talking about is even if you do get the full eternal youth, perfect health, prime of your life package...immortality can still suck from some peoples' perspectives.

Myself, I'd still be down with taking that risk. Having the time and ability to experience EVERYTHING is too great a temptation. Even unpleasant things have a sort of novelty to them if you have some kind of regenerative ability. Being an immortal regenerator is basically the only guilt- and consequence-free way to taste human flesh, for instance!

[Red Leaf Games]

That's easy, changling. I wish for more wishes:)

[Lord Joeltion]

Tithonus is a different scenario entirely. What joeltion is talking about is even if you do get the full eternal youth, perfect health, prime of your life package...immortality can still suck from some peoples' perspectives.

Myself, I'd still be down with taking that risk. Having the time and ability to experience EVERYTHING is too great a temptation. Even unpleasant things have a sort of novelty to them if you have some kind of regenerative ability. Being an immortal regenerator is basically the only guilt- and consequence-free way to taste human flesh, for instance!

True. Now, if you would give me Immortality in a "pure energy" body (a.k.a: "soul") now that's gonna be interesting. Risking to border forum rules; as a kid*, I used to think of the perfect "afterlife" as remaining in this universe as a bodiless entity; forever experiencing the development of the cosmos. Bonus points if said entity also had FTL way of travelling (Being able to travel back to the Big Bang and experiencing things from there would also be cool)

*Doesn't mean I necessarily changed my mind since then.

[NontheistCleric]

Tithonus is a different scenario entirely. What joeltion is talking about is even if you do get the full eternal youth, perfect health, prime of your life package...immortality can still suck from some peoples' perspectives.

Myself, I'd still be down with taking that risk. Having the time and ability to experience EVERYTHING is too great a temptation. Even unpleasant things have a sort of novelty to them if you have some kind of regenerative ability. Being an immortal regenerator is basically the only guilt- and consequence-free way to taste human flesh, for instance!

I think two useful abilities to add to that might be the ability to not feel pain if you should wish to, in case of such scenarios as getting stuck in a star or something similar, and an unlimited memory. No point experiencing everything if you can't remember it.

[TheChelaxian]

I'd like to have my soul molded (over thousands of years, of course) into a deimavigga - an apostate devil from Pathfinder. It is feared because of the power of its words. Most monsters are more of a physical threat, but the CR 17 devil fascinates me because of its unique role and abilities.

[McMurderface]

I'd like to be the Loch Ness Monster, so I would never have to pay back that $3.50 that I owe.

[LughSpear]

A mordern day mimic.

You are going to use use your laptop? *chomp* It was me a mimic.

You are going to use use your cellphone? *chomp* It was me a mimic.

You are going to use use your car? *chomp* It was me a mimic.

You are going to use use your radio? *chomp* It was me a mimic.

You are going to use use your printer? *chomp* It was me a mimic.

You are going to use use your toilet? *chomp* It was me a mimic.

So many fun pranks.

[lunaticfringe]

Dragon, one of the Shapechangey ones. So when I get bored with my freakishly long existence I can be true to my Dragon nature & go bang everything.

[Blackhawk748]

DnD Doppleganger. Just be whatever i feel like at any given moment.

[lunaticfringe]

DnD Doppleganger. Just be whatever i feel like at any given moment.

I was leaning towards that but then I remembered this

[Blackhawk748]

I was leaning towards that but then I remembered this

Ya, but being a dragon has so much other baggage. Dont get me wrong, its tied with Doppleganger, but ill take Doppleganger over Dragon today.

[Solaris]

I'm going to jump on the dragon bandwagon, too.

In addition to the obvious about living long enough to become God-Emperor of Mars (and having the means to make a serious go at it)... With a human lifespan, I can realistically only get some bonsai trees started, and odds are they'll die if I don't pass them off to someone who knows how to take care of them right.

Then there's the breeding projects: Playing God for fun and profit!

[Honest Tiefling]

I'm going to jump on the dragon bandwagon, too.

*looks at comment* *looks at avatar* *looks at comment*

Nope, no signs of bias here. Through I gotta ask, since dragon basically has all of the benefits and few of the drawbacks (I mean, other then teenaged children with magical powers, that might be a slight issue when you don't want them to have the car that evening), what is everyone's second choice?

[Potato_Priest]

*looks at comment* *looks at avatar* *looks at comment*

Nope, no signs of bias here. Through I gotta ask, since dragon basically has all of the benefits and few of the drawbacks (I mean, other then teenaged children with magical powers, that might be a slight issue when you don't want them to have the car that evening), what is everyone's second choice?

My first choice was a Korred. The power to swim in dirt, animate my hair, smell minerals, see the bedrock, bring boulders to life, have inhuman strength as long as I'm touching the ground... I'd be the best miner and geologist the world's ever seen! As long as I wore pants and weird shoes to hide my cloven feet, I'd even be able to pass as not-really-normal-but-probably-still-a-human-with-some-weird-condition.

My second choice was a dryad (of one of those ancient pine trees that nobody is allowed to kill). Some nature magic, photosynthesis, unearthly charm, the lifespan of a bristlecone pine and the capabilities to teleport back to it and protect it if ever it was in trouble... what more could a guy want?

[Blackhawk748]

*looks at comment* *looks at avatar* *looks at comment*

Nope, no signs of bias here. Through I gotta ask, since dragon basically has all of the benefits and few of the drawbacks (I mean, other then teenaged children with magical powers, that might be a slight issue when you don't want them to have the car that evening), what is everyone's second choice?

Troll, cuz regen is great.

[lunaticfringe]

I have raised real human teenagers...bring yer fake magic fantasy tropey teens. I ain't afeared.

[FlammySenpai]

I think being a dragon would be pretty great. Just hang out with your hoard, eating anything that threatened you.