LGBTAI+ #59: Will You Take This Woman To Be Your Galpal?

[137beth]

Congratulations Sobol!

[CWater]

Celebrated Bisexuality Day by coming out to a friend; he was totally OK with it.

Yay!

[Sobol]

137ben, CWater, thanks.

That's far from the first time I've told people I'm not straight, but I've never done it on Bi Visibility Day before.

[Cizak]

Question for the aces and demis or anyone who feels comfortable answering, spoilered for some slight TMI:

Spoiler

Show

What would you call someone who can and does get aroused fairly frequently, but limits the way to get that out of their system to porn? I can definitely look at a person, think "yeah that is indeed attractive to me in a sexual way", and if I'm in the right mood my body responds as a body does. But I have as far as I can remember never felt that I need or want to have sex with anyone I've met in person. I'm a virgin at 24 years old and changing that is not something I'm interested in putting any mental or physical energy into. I am unhappy with a lot of things in my life, but that is not one of them. It'll be weeks or months between the times I even think about it. In a hypothetical situation where someone else approaches me for sex, I'd probably give it a spin, but moreso in the same way I'd say yes to trying bungee jumping than any deeper desire to get laid.

[CWater]

@Cizak: It sounds to me like you'd fit in the asexual spectrum. Grey ace maybe? Not all asexuals have an aversion to sex, or never experience sexual feelings. The common thing about aces, is just lesser interest in sex compared to the general population. And while there are some people that are obviously asexuals, some are more in the grey area, and it sounds like you'd fit there.

I hope this is of help, I'm not too great at explaining things. ^^'

[noparlpf]

Question for the aces and demis or anyone who feels comfortable answering, spoilered for some slight TMI:

Spoiler

Show

What would you call someone who can and does get aroused fairly frequently, but limits the way to get that out of their system to porn? I can definitely look at a person, think "yeah that is indeed attractive to me in a sexual way", and if I'm in the right mood my body responds as a body does. But I have as far as I can remember never felt that I need or want to have sex with anyone I've met in person. I'm a virgin at 24 years old and changing that is not something I'm interested in putting any mental or physical energy into. I am unhappy with a lot of things in my life, but that is not one of them. It'll be weeks or months between the times I even think about it. In a hypothetical situation where someone else approaches me for sex, I'd probably give it a spin, but moreso in the same way I'd say yes to trying bungee jumping than any deeper desire to get laid.

Probably somewhere on the ace spectrum, maybe grey ace or aegosexual depending how precise you want to try to be.

[137beth]

Question for the aces and demis or anyone who feels comfortable answering, spoilered for some slight TMI:

Spoiler

Show

What would you call someone who can and does get aroused fairly frequently, but limits the way to get that out of their system to porn? I can definitely look at a person, think "yeah that is indeed attractive to me in a sexual way", and if I'm in the right mood my body responds as a body does. But I have as far as I can remember never felt that I need or want to have sex with anyone I've met in person. I'm a virgin at 24 years old and changing that is not something I'm interested in putting any mental or physical energy into. I am unhappy with a lot of things in my life, but that is not one of them. It'll be weeks or months between the times I even think about it. In a hypothetical situation where someone else approaches me for sex, I'd probably give it a spin, but moreso in the same way I'd say yes to trying bungee jumping than any deeper desire to get laid.

I'd say that description sounds like some sort of gray-ace.


In unrelated news, yesterday I had my first session of laser hair removal.

[Dire Moose]

Got my hair long enough and styled properly; I don’t need a wig anymore!

[TerrickTerran]

congrats, DM. Looking nice.

[Anymage]

I have a feeling that I'm going to be stepping into a minefield here. Still, I'm too curious, so I might as well step in and have people point out the mines to me.

Spoiler: Probably a point of drama within the trans community

Show

I've been seeing an increasing number of trans people - usually M2Fs - who are claiming to be the opposite of their birth gender while putting zero effort into publicly presenting as anything other than their birth gender.

I have a feeling that if I'm noticing this from the outside, and I pay little attention to the depths of the gendersphere, I know that this has caused issues inside the gendersphere. As an outsider, I'm curious for just a quick rundown on how this drama has shaken out.

[Iruka]

I have a feeling that I'm going to be stepping into a minefield here. Still, I'm too curious, so I might as well step in and have people point out the mines to me.

Spoiler: Probably a point of drama within the trans community

Show

I've been seeing an increasing number of trans people - usually M2Fs - who are claiming to be the opposite of their birth gender while putting zero effort into publicly presenting as anything other than their birth gender.

I have a feeling that if I'm noticing this from the outside, and I pay little attention to the depths of the gendersphere, I know that this has caused issues inside the gendersphere. As an outsider, I'm curious for just a quick rundown on how this drama has shaken out.

I am in no position to tell you where to post stuff, but as a suggestion: For questions about LGBT stuff, there's the LGBT-Q&A-Thread. Specifically to keep possible drama away from this support thread.

[Anymage]

Didn't see that thread. My question was more looking for a cliff's notes explanation of the drama, but you're right it would be better there.

[137beth]

I'm a bit frustrated right now. I have "sleep-safe" falsies, and I want to try actually sleeping with them to get a feel for what having breasts would be like. Unfortunately, they need a bra to keep them attached, and every bra I can find is either
a)Itchy, and so would make sleeping harder, or
b)Somewhat tight.
I'm somewhat concerned about sleeping in tight elastic, since I've read in can mess up your breathing. An elastic sports-bra probably won't be as bad to sleep in as, say, binders for trans men, but I'm still nervous about wearing anything tight while I sleep.

I guess the only thing I can do is try and find some looser bras that are also comfortable, if such things even exist.


And unrelatedly, someone is insisting that it's bad for media to depict fictional trans men because it "takes away" representation from cis women

[Ravens_cry]

And unrelatedly, someone is insisting that it's bad for media to depict fictional trans men because it "takes away" representation from cis women

There is a technical term for someone like that:
Numpty.
Unrelated to that, I am going to visit my boyfriend down in California again in 20 days. I know what to expect, more or less, but I'm still rather scared. Not of flying, I love flying, just of . . . everything else. Security delays, some kind of problem, mistake or snarl meaning I miss my flight, etcetera.

[Algeh]

I'm a bit frustrated right now. I have "sleep-safe" falsies, and I want to try actually sleeping with them to get a feel for what having breasts would be like. Unfortunately, they need a bra to keep them attached, and every bra I can find is either
a)Itchy, and so would make sleeping harder, or
b)Somewhat tight.
I'm somewhat concerned about sleeping in tight elastic, since I've read in can mess up your breathing. An elastic sports-bra probably won't be as bad to sleep in as, say, binders for trans men, but I'm still nervous about wearing anything tight while I sleep.

I guess the only thing I can do is try and find some looser bras that are also comfortable, if such things even exist.

I suspect it'll come down to a compromise between something tight enough to keep them from escaping, but loose enough to be comfortable (which pretty much sums up my relationship with bras in a nutshell, but YMMV). I'm pretty sure I slept in a bra for a few years in high school and college without any major issues, but I did a lot of dumb things in high school and college so that's not much of an endorsement in terms of the safety or comfort thereof. I know they also make tank tops with built in bra-ish things in them, but I've never actually bought one. I have no idea if they would work well for you.

[Recherché]

I'm a bit frustrated right now. I have "sleep-safe" falsies, and I want to try actually sleeping with them to get a feel for what having breasts would be like. Unfortunately, they need a bra to keep them attached, and every bra I can find is either
a)Itchy, and so would make sleeping harder, or
b)Somewhat tight.
I'm somewhat concerned about sleeping in tight elastic, since I've read in can mess up your breathing. An elastic sports-bra probably won't be as bad to sleep in as, say, binders for trans men, but I'm still nervous about wearing anything tight while I sleep.

I guess the only thing I can do is try and find some looser bras that are also comfortable, if such things even exist.

Cis woman here and I sleep in my sports bras occasionally with no problems and informal poll among my friends says about 60% of us sometimes sleep in a bra. Assuming the elastic isn't so tight that it's cutting off circulation, it's no big deal. Your bra shouldn't be so tight that it's uncomfortable or dangerous to sleep in anymore than panties are. Itchy-ness I can't help with. I will say that when I first started wearing bras I found them kind of annoying but just got used to them over the years.

Out of curiosity do you know what your underbust chest measurement is and what size bra you're wearing and what style of bra (bralette, underwire, shelf bra ect,)? I swear I'm not perving I'm just a seamstress who spent way too much time learning about bra fitting.

[Kesnit]

An elastic sports-bra probably won't be as bad to sleep in as, say, binders for trans men, but I'm still nervous about wearing anything tight while I sleep.

I can't speak for all the services, but when I was in Officer Candidate School, everyone slept in their PT gear (because PT was right after revile). For the females, that included sports bras. We never had issues.

And unrelatedly, someone is insisting that it's bad for media to depict fictional trans men because it "takes away" representation from cis women

Huh?

[Roxxy]

So I feel good right now. I'm switching from Pathfinder to 5E, and I just bought the Wayfinder's Guide to Eberron. I also looked at Eberron author Keith Baker's webside and some interviews, and he's just dropping cool stuff all over the place. Want to know how to run a Western game in Eberron? Keith's working on that. More info about everyday magic? Working on it. More info about cosmography? Working on it.

Then I found this third party Eberron book on DM's Guild:

Spoiler: Big image

Show

I was already excited, but then the author of this guide shared an email Keith Baker sent him before this book was written, when the author emailed Baker asking about what kind of lives trans people might live in Eberron:

Spoiler: Big image

Show

I'm happy now. Not only did I buy a guide to trans characters in Eberron, I know the author of my favorite published setting ever thinks people like me have a place in his world.

[Recherché]

Quick thing but it's not just Eberron. In the Wrath of the Righteous AP there's a lesbian couple where one was AMAB and took a sex change potion.

Also the iconic shaman

[JusticeZero]

So I want to move to a different country next year, probably Canada.

My husband has a dream of becoming a plumber. He's 45 though, so running out of time for that. And he hasn't started an apprenticeship yet. He doesn't want to leave in the middle. He wasn't ever allowed to want anything like that when he was younger, because AFAB kids in the 80's don't get to want to go into construction.

I have a few skills, so I can probably get by, but the how is unclear. Writing, grantwriter, and various other skills. I don't mind living somewhere kind of small and unpopular, but I fear tiny towns because I had to fight my last doctor tooth and nail in one. I'd need to know that I was accepted enough to have support.

I don't really want to leave my husband behind. I will if it comes to it, but that's miserable. I don't know what to do. I don't know what options might exist there. I need thoughts and ideas. I feel like Cassandra of Troy, and I miss feeling safe.

[sneakykitten]

So I want to move to a different country next year, probably Canada.

...

I don't really want to leave my husband behind. I will if it comes to it, but that's miserable. I don't know what to do. I don't know what options might exist there. I need thoughts and ideas. I feel like Cassandra of Troy, and I miss feeling safe.

Don't leave your husband if you don't wanna. Is the place in Canada you may be going a small town and you don't wanna live there? Ask your husband if he minds moving somewhere else? And your skills, not sure about writing in any job except maybe writing books or maybe contributing written materials to a company? What other skills do you have? Umm, a thought: If what you really wanna have is to be with your husband, then please try to convince him not to move back to a small town.

[Delta]

Just to be clear: Is there any pressing reason to move to Canada next year? It doesn't sound like you have a job offer or anything like that lined up there, so why not wait and give your husband the time he needs?

[Chen]

Also without a job offer just “moving to Canada” what is your plan for moving? If your husband and you are the same age this could be a large barrier to entry as well. Significant costs to the healthcare system occur as you age. Without a job offer a 40something year old is going to have an even harder time immigrating. Thats not to say its impossible but something that certainly needs to be taken into account.

[JusticeZero]

My reason for moving is mostly outside of the scope of allowable topics and can be summed up as 'fear'. I've been fighting things, now the world is jumping up and down on the 'flight' button instead.

Never let your children study history, or they will know that people are repeating the mistakes of the past and be unable to do anything about it. It is better to obliviously walk to your doom than to be a screaming, miserable Cassandra being dragged to it. My father has always been a history nerd, and I have advanced degrees studying topics historical, demographic, and political.

I'm barely making it here and my safety is eroding. My husband is not making it at all. I would rather be barely making it in a place that I don't feel afraid of just under half of the people around me.

Basically, everything is falling apart around me on several levels, I know history, I am afraid. And I have lived in other countries, so that doesn't scare me in and of itself.

[Recherché]

So as a US citizen living in Canada, it's really not that easy. It took me more than 6 months to set up everything and I had a prestigious university making me an offer. And in the end its not really that different. Or at least there's not a ton of difference for me in how I'm treated between where I was in Washington and where I am in Toronto. Moving from South Carolina to Washington did a lot more for me and my sanity actually.

I'm not going to say that you shouldn't aim to move to Canada if you really want to but doing it is not a walk in the park. I'm still super stressed out by the move 2 months later. If you want any practical advice on the move PM me. I won't be able to answer everything but I can at least answer some basic questions about immigration.

[CWater]

I get your feeling JusticeZero (though I can never get behind the "never study history" opinion #hugehistorynerd).

Anyway, Canada might not be your best option, since as I understand, they've got pretty strict demands on who is allowed to get a work permit, resident visa, etc.

There might be another country that you can get into more easily, in Europe for example. (Though I admit I'm no expert on the subject.) And while New Zealand might seem like pretty far away, it's a real nice place. (To a visitor's eyes at least.)

Assuming you live in the US, I've heard that just moving to a different part of the country could also improve your safety situation a lot.

[Anymage]

Anyway, Canada might not be your best option, since as I understand, they've got pretty strict demands on who is allowed to get a work permit, resident visa, etc.

There might be another country that you can get into more easily, in Europe for example. (Though I admit I'm no expert on the subject.) And while New Zealand might seem like pretty far away, it's a real nice place. (To a visitor's eyes at least.)

I find it interesting that when people say they want to leave the U.S. for political reasons, they always seem to forget that we have two neighboring countries.

[Liquor Box]

There might be another country that you can get into more easily, in Europe for example. (Though I admit I'm no expert on the subject.) And while New Zealand might seem like pretty far away, it's a real nice place. (To a visitor's eyes at least.)

I'm from New Zealand, so happy to answer any questions about it. We do have reasonably difficult requirements for a person to get a work visa or residence though.

In terms of safety from physical violence I expect JusticeZero would be safer here than in either USA or Canada or most Euro countries.

[CWater]

I find it interesting that when people say they want to leave the U.S. for political reasons, they always seem to forget that we have two neighboring countries.

Well, statistically speaking, Mexico is sadly not exactly at the top of the list when it comes to personal safety. :/

So many people would probably not consider it for that reason.

[ve4grm]

My reason for moving is mostly outside of the scope of allowable topics and can be summed up as 'fear'. I've been fighting things, now the world is jumping up and down on the 'flight' button instead.

Never let your children study history, or they will know that people are repeating the mistakes of the past and be unable to do anything about it. It is better to obliviously walk to your doom than to be a screaming, miserable Cassandra being dragged to it. My father has always been a history nerd, and I have advanced degrees studying topics historical, demographic, and political.

I'm barely making it here and my safety is eroding. My husband is not making it at all. I would rather be barely making it in a place that I don't feel afraid of just under half of the people around me.

Basically, everything is falling apart around me on several levels, I know history, I am afraid. And I have lived in other countries, so that doesn't scare me in and of itself.

As a Canadian, I'll wish you the best of luck. Do note that it's not like no Canadians are bigoted, though. We have legal gay marriage, and gay/lesbian issues have been fairly well accepted across Canada, but some areas are definitely less progressive than others, on a variety of issues. There are no bathroom bills that I'm aware of, however, so that's nice.

I don't have any practical advice on the immigration process, but if you want to get somewhere with a reasonable cost of living, but big enough to have job opportunities and not run too much risk of small-town bigotry, I'd recommend looking at the Kamloops or Kelowna areas in BC. Edmonton in Alberta. There's plenty of other places that fit that description as well, but I'd avoid Calgary and the lower mainland/Vancouver region due to higher cost of living. Most of our smaller towns are nice as well, and many probably wouldn't be bad choices per se, but as you probably well know, the more rural you are, the higher the risk of that small-town bigotry.

You might also find it easier to move to go to school, and then apply to stay afterwards. If your husband hasn't gone through the plumber training yet, you can find a trade school near where you want to go, and have him apply there. If he has, he can apply for an apprenticeship, and see if the company will sponsor you. Skilled trades are in high demand in certain areas, especially smaller communities.

To find out if you can even immigrate, and what sorts of costs will be involved, this website (a law firm specializing in Canadian immigration) seems to have a lot of free information. https://www.canadavisa.com/

And of course you can get info straight from the horse's mouth here: https://www.canada.ca/en/immigration...te-canada.html

But as Recherche says...

So as a US citizen living in Canada, it's really not that easy. It took me more than 6 months to set up everything and I had a prestigious university making me an offer. And in the end its not really that different. Or at least there's not a ton of difference for me in how I'm treated between where I was in Washington and where I am in Toronto. Moving from South Carolina to Washington did a lot more for me and my sanity actually.

I'm not going to say that you shouldn't aim to move to Canada if you really want to but doing it is not a walk in the park. I'm still super stressed out by the move 2 months later. If you want any practical advice on the move PM me. I won't be able to answer everything but I can at least answer some basic questions about immigration.

...you might have an easier time, with just as much (or nearly as much) success if you move to Washington, Oregon, Colorado, California. There are plenty of states that support the issues you are hinting at better than Alaska does, and it might be a lot cheaper and easier to move there instead.

Best of luck getting into a better situation, wherever that may be.