LGBTAI+ #59: Will You Take This Woman To Be Your Galpal?

[Mystic Muse]

I HAVE A SURGERY DATE! AFTER SIX YEARS, I'M FINALLY THERE! ONE MORE MONTH, AND I'M AT THE FINISH LINE! AAAAAAHHHHH!
(small letters)

Congratulations!

[Lissou]

Woot! Finally, after all the wait and the delays! This is great :D

[Dire Moose]

I will volunteer more specifically to discuss the following topics:

Homosexuality
Bisexuality/Pansexuality
Non-binary topics, including being a gender, genderfluid etc.
Hormone replacement therapy
Figuring out sexual orientation and gender identity

[Recherché]

So today I got called a "man hating narcissist" and "special snowflake" for the audacity of requesting that straight cis guys and heterosexual couples to please stop listing themselves as single women seeking women on Tinder. On one hand the insults are so ridiculous that they're laughable. On the other hand it still hurts y'know.

[Unavenger]

So today I got called a "man hating narcissist" and "special snowflake" for the audacity of requesting that straight cis guys and heterosexual couples to please stop listing themselves as single women seeking women on Tinder. On one hand the insults are so ridiculous that they're laughable. On the other hand it still hurts y'know.

"Stop pretending to be lesbians plz?"
"OH MY GOD YOU MUST HATE MEN!"

How do their minds even work?

[TerrickTerran]

Congratulations Heliomance.

[Recherché]

"Stop pretending to be lesbians plz?"
"OH MY GOD YOU MUST HATE MEN!"

How do their minds even work?

Apparently I can just swipe no on the heterosexual couples and men but my comparison that this would be comparable to large numbers of gay men setting their gender as female to seek out potentially closeted gay men is completely out of the ball park.

[Comrade]

straight cis guys ... listing themselves as single women seeking women on Tinder.

... is that actually something people do? Why? What's their gameplan? 'Hey, I couldn't get any matches with women who are interested in men, maybe it's time to try something new'?

[Eldest]

... is that actually something people do? Why? What's their gameplan? 'Hey, I couldn't get any matches with women who are interested in men, maybe it's time to try something new'?

The het couple looking for a woman for threesomes while she doesn't date anybody else and only does the stuff with them is enough of a stereotype that it's nicknamed unicorn polyamory. That's probably what that is. Single men listing themselves as single women is new and even worse.

[Recherché]

... is that actually something people do? Why? What's their gameplan? 'Hey, I couldn't get any matches with women who are interested in men, maybe it's time to try something new'?

Not only is it their game plan but more than a third of the people I see on Tinder are men or heterosexual couples. My settings are for single women only. I might be a wee bit salty about this.

[Astrella]

I HAVE A SURGERY DATE! AFTER SIX YEARS, I'M FINALLY THERE! ONE MORE MONTH, AND I'M AT THE FINISH LINE! AAAAAAHHHHH!
(small letters)

Aaah, congrats! If you need support or advice before or after you can always send me a message if needed.

Not only is it their game plan but more than a third of the people I see on Tinder are men or heterosexual couples. My settings are for single women only. I might be a wee bit salty about this.

Understandably so. :/

[Lentrax]

So...

A while ago, during a conversation on dysphoria, I said that I don’t experience it the same way that some others talked about.

But yesterday. Yesterday, I was shaving, which involves a lot of looking at myself in the mirror. And what I saw there was enough to make my physically ill. For the first time, I was sick of seeing me in the mirror, and I was so depressed for the rest of the day that I almost couldn’t go to work.

It made me realize how much I need therapy, but I called around, and either I can’t get the help I need and want, or it’s too expensive, even with my insurance. Same thing with online counseling. Just too expensive.

And that hit me worse. That I can’t even afford to take care of myself when now I know that I need it.

I just... I don’t know what to do...

[Liquor Box]

Not only is it their game plan but more than a third of the people I see on Tinder are men or heterosexual couples. My settings are for single women only. I might be a wee bit salty about this.

Can't you see their picture, and therefore see that they are men. Or do the dress up as women, or use fake photos or something?

[Recherché]

Can't you see their picture, and therefore see that they are men. Or do the dress up as women, or use fake photos or something?

They're plainly men and heterosexual couples in their pictures and they have masculine names and will even say they're men/het couples in their profiles. They just list themselves as women seeking women for the computer so that they show up as matches for queer women

[Liquor Box]

They're plainly men and heterosexual couples in their pictures and they have masculine names and will even say they're men/het couples in their profiles. They just list themselves as women seeking women for the computer so that they show up as matches for queer women

Why do they do that? Surely women seeking women would simply scan right past them?

[Lissou]

Why do they do that? Surely women seeking women would simply scan right past them?

That's the mystery, but they do that. Not just on Tinder, but pretty much on any online dating or hooking up platform.

[Liquor Box]

That's the mystery, but they do that. Not just on Tinder, but pretty much on any online dating or hooking up platform.

It must be in the hopes that a woman who is filtering for other woman will change their mind on seeing the man's profile. I would imagine it doesn't have a very high success rate, but maybe it happens sometimes.

[Lissou]

It must be in the hopes that a woman who is filtering for other woman will change their mind on seeing the man's profile. I would imagine it doesn't have a very high success rate, but maybe it happens sometimes.

I think it's just guys trying to widen their net? I have a profile on OK Cupid that I keep even though I'm not looking for a partner because my partners link to it. So it's set on "looking for friends" only. I should only show in searched for people looking for friends. Yet, until they changed the way messages are sent (not clear on how), I would get messages consisting in something like "Hi, wanna have sex?" and nothing else.

I guess they figure the more they try the higher their chances?

[Mith]

I know I am not a regular here, but I just want to share that I saw a bank ad that had a lesbian couple as the "photogenic stock couple" banner without drawing any special attention to the fact that they were doing so. I thought that was awesome.

To be fair, it was subtle enough that considering how much I care about banner ads (none), I could have missed others. But it's the first non LGBTQ2S targeted representation that I have seen in common advertising.

[Recherché]

I've also noticed that a lot of these guys seem to think that lesbian women are actually bi.

[Potato_Priest]

I've also noticed that a lot of these guys seem to think that lesbian women are actually bi.

Hmm, well that would certainly explain their inefficient pattern of listing themselves. Still doesn't explain the couples though.

[Iruka]

Hmm, well that would certainly explain their inefficient pattern of listing themselves. Still doesn't explain the couples though.

Looking for some kind of threesome arrangement, I guess.

[Recherché]

Yup, they're pretty much always looking for a threesome relationship of some kind. And usually being pretty damn offensive about it. I'm poly and not completely opposed to dating men (just not my normal thing). The unicorn hunters still creep me the hell out.

[Liquor Box]

I think it's just guys trying to widen their net? I have a profile on OK Cupid that I keep even though I'm not looking for a partner because my partners link to it. So it's set on "looking for friends" only. I should only show in searched for people looking for friends. Yet, until they changed the way messages are sent (not clear on how), I would get messages consisting in something like "Hi, wanna have sex?" and nothing else.

I guess they figure the more they try the higher their chances?

Yeah, I'm familiar with the scattergun approach, and I think it is quite effective. But I though you'd still aim it in vaguely the right direction.

Maybe from time to time they do find a girl who had been looking for a girl, but decides to go for a guy on the spur of the moment.

[ve4grm]

I know I am not a regular here, but I just want to share that I saw a bank ad that had a lesbian couple as the "photogenic stock couple" banner without drawing any special attention to the fact that they were doing so. I thought that was awesome.

To be fair, it was subtle enough that considering how much I care about banner ads (none), I could have missed others. But it's the first non LGBTQ2S targeted representation that I have seen in common advertising.

There was a comedy sketch on Conan last week for valentine's day that cut between three couples, one of which was a lesbian couple. No special attention was paid, they were just another couple. It was nice to see.

I also saw an ad for for a Canadian store recently that used a pair of gay men as their "photogenic couple" which was cool.

[halfeye]

Yeah, I'm familiar with the scattergun approach, and I think it is quite effective. But I though you'd still aim it in vaguely the right direction.

Maybe from time to time they do find a girl who had been looking for a girl, but decides to go for a guy on the spur of the moment.

It's basically spam, they want one, if they have to piss off a million to find that one, so what? it doesn't cost them anything.

[TaiLiu]

True, but so long as we remember having this conversation, we can remember to bring the topic up again as we approach page 50 here. Give folks a chance to get used to it, to volunteer if they want to, or to even recall we have such a list.

That's very true. My concern is just that it'll take a real long time, since these kinds of threads have slowed down over the years, and people are always gonna be in need of help. I guess I'm trying to argue that we should update it sooner rather than later, so the folk that need it can have it sooner rather than later.

I can provide general support.

I'm good to stay on the list

I'm also still here, I can do advice on being genderqueer/genderfluid/nonbinary, (grey)asexuality and bi/pansexuality.

I'm happy to consult for polyamory.

I can still talk about polyamory, pansexuality/bisexuality, and the basics, and can add trans stuff to that.

I'd also be willing to consult on Bi and trans stuff. This thread made me feel less isolated when I was grappling with my identity, so I'd love to pay it forward

I will volunteer more specifically to discuss the following topics:

Homosexuality
Bisexuality/Pansexuality
Non-binary topics, including being a gender, genderfluid etc.
Hormone replacement therapy
Figuring out sexual orientation and gender identity

Nice! Really cool to see such a large list of volunteers.

Hey everyone! I've been lurking this thread for a while, and I just wanted to pop in and say hi. I figured out that I'm trans a few months ago, and started coming out to my family back in January. I've slowly started acquiring my new wardrobe, and I have my first laser appointment tomorrow!

Hey, DocWoollybear! Super glad things are going well for you!

I HAVE A SURGERY DATE! AFTER SIX YEARS, I'M FINALLY THERE! ONE MORE MONTH, AND I'M AT THE FINISH LINE! AAAAAAHHHHH!
(small letters)

Congrats, Heliomance!

So...

A while ago, during a conversation on dysphoria, I said that I don’t experience it the same way that some others talked about.

But yesterday. Yesterday, I was shaving, which involves a lot of looking at myself in the mirror. And what I saw there was enough to make my physically ill. For the first time, I was sick of seeing me in the mirror, and I was so depressed for the rest of the day that I almost couldn’t go to work.

It made me realize how much I need therapy, but I called around, and either I can’t get the help I need and want, or it’s too expensive, even with my insurance. Same thing with online counseling. Just too expensive.

And that hit me worse. That I can’t even afford to take care of myself when now I know that I need it.

I just... I don’t know what to do...

Sorry to hear that, Lentrax. I think I know how that feels like, and it really, really sucks. Are there any trans support groups around you? Sometimes it's helpful to talk to people who've dealt with similar situations, even if they can't provide therapy proper.

[Lycunadari]

Spoiler: tw depression, suicide, transphobia etc

Show

Since the beginning of this year, it is possible to get a third gender marker here in Germany, D for "diverse", and if you change your gender marker to d, you can also change your name. Sounds all great - but it's exclusively for biologically intersex people, you need a doctor's note confirming that you have a "irregularity of sex development". If you're nonbinary, you're out of luck.
And it's killing me. Before, I could sort of ignore that I'm legally still my AGAB, while hoping that one day I would be able to change it. But now I'm constantly reminded that it is possible - just not for me. I see job listings looking for [job] (m/w/d) that were [job] (m/w) before, I read articles about the first people in [city] who changed their gender marker to D, and I want to be happy about it but it's making me incredibly depressed. We were so close, the people who fought for this, all the trans and intersex organisations, they all tried to make it possible for NB people, and when the court ruling decided that we get a new gender marker, I was so hopeful. We were so close, but ****ty politicians decided that we can't have people deciding their own gender so now only intersex people get to be "diverse".
And I'm just... I feel crushed. This new law has torn open the old wound that is existing in a cissexist society just to rub salt into it. I'm not "trans enough" to change my name with the "transsexual law" (also that's extremely expensive), I'm not intersex so the new law is useless for me, I'm just a confused, broken freak. I can try changing my name like a cis person could, but you need a "significant reason" for it and you can only change your name to one of your assigned gender that way; so I have to hope that being NB is a significant enough reason, and that I'm allowed to have my chosen neutral names. And I AM going to try it, because I can't live like this, but even starting to write the application makes me extremely anxious because I'm so scared of being denied.
All of this has seriously trigged my depression, I was doing so much better the last couple of months, but now I'm back in that pit of hopelessness, I've become suicidal again, I'm close to starting selfharming again, I haven't cried so much since my grandma died a year ago... I just... I'm so tired, and I'm not coping well with any of this.

[Lissou]

@Juniper
*hugs*
I wish I could help more than just provide support. Hopefully now that a new gender marker is in place it can be expanded eventually. This really sucks though! I'm glad you have another way to change your name.

[Aveline]

Spoiler: tw depression, suicide, transphobia etc

Show

Since the beginning of this year, it is possible to get a third gender marker here in Germany, D for "diverse", and if you change your gender marker to d, you can also change your name. Sounds all great - but it's exclusively for biologically intersex people, you need a doctor's note confirming that you have a "irregularity of sex development". If you're nonbinary, you're out of luck.
And it's killing me. Before, I could sort of ignore that I'm legally still my AGAB, while hoping that one day I would be able to change it. But now I'm constantly reminded that it is possible - just not for me. I see job listings looking for [job] (m/w/d) that were [job] (m/w) before, I read articles about the first people in [city] who changed their gender marker to D, and I want to be happy about it but it's making me incredibly depressed. We were so close, the people who fought for this, all the trans and intersex organisations, they all tried to make it possible for NB people, and when the court ruling decided that we get a new gender marker, I was so hopeful. We were so close, but ****ty politicians decided that we can't have people deciding their own gender so now only intersex people get to be "diverse".
And I'm just... I feel crushed. This new law has torn open the old wound that is existing in a cissexist society just to rub salt into it. I'm not "trans enough" to change my name with the "transsexual law" (also that's extremely expensive), I'm not intersex so the new law is useless for me, I'm just a confused, broken freak. I can try changing my name like a cis person could, but you need a "significant reason" for it and you can only change your name to one of your assigned gender that way; so I have to hope that being NB is a significant enough reason, and that I'm allowed to have my chosen neutral names. And I AM going to try it, because I can't live like this, but even starting to write the application makes me extremely anxious because I'm so scared of being denied.
All of this has seriously trigged my depression, I was doing so much better the last couple of months, but now I'm back in that pit of hopelessness, I've become suicidal again, I'm close to starting selfharming again, I haven't cried so much since my grandma died a year ago... I just... I'm so tired, and I'm not coping well with any of this.

Things may differ between processes in our respective places of living, but I have a positive attestation from when I went through the same sort of thing.

Spoiler

Show

I live in rural United States, and in my jurisdiction, anyone who wants to change their gender marker is, nominally, required to provide a surgeon's letter which certifies a particular procedure. I do not desire this procedure. I was afraid I would never be able to change my gender marker.

When I eventually located and met an endocrinologist in a neighboring state, I talked to her about this concern, and she simply... printed a template letter with my former name on it, basically authorizing me to be "officially" transgender.

Regarding name change, I was required to purchase a classified advertisement in the local newspaper, publishing my intent to change my name from this to that. I did so, and got an affidavit of publication.

Then I appointed a court date with the notary, and met a judge, who saw I "met" the requirements for a change in gender marker, and intended to change my name, as is my right. He asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this; I said yes; then he struck the gavel and issued me... well, basically a warrant, stating that I am officially a woman, now named such and such, and all authorities - including Vital Records - must revise their records in accordance.

I brought all my documents to the Department of Motor Vehicles, presented my documents, and asked for a revised license. They gave me one. Now my authoritative identification says F for female, and gives my true name which I chose.

Here are the morals:

• There are doctors who trained specifically to address your problem. They want to help you, and they have the authority to do so.
• Authority propagates. Legal arbiters will submit to a doctor's letter. Record-keepers know they aren't to treat their work subjectively.
• There is no active opposition to your specific effort to change your identification.

So, just go through the formalities. If my experience is any indication, they work in your favor.