Life advice

[Savarin]

Hi, recently I’ve been feeling sad. When I look around on Facebook all my friends are getting married, having kids, or getting their dream jobs. I don’t feel like I have any of that going for me. I’m single 21 and have no kids. I just a cashier with school loans making me broke. I recently moved from Oregon to PA to be closer to family but my life doesn’t seem to be progressing and it’s really getting me down. I don’t know what I should do... Any helpful advice out there?...

[Lvl 2 Expert]

EDIT: This post was deleted because I do my best to be paranoid about leaving too much easily traceable stuff on me in the same place. I'm completely fine with the full post quote below which can keep existing until the end of days, it's not searchable by looking for me as the author.

[lunaticfringe]

Feelings are temporary. A tricky part of depression is the illusion that you will always feel that way and you cannot remember ever feeling happy. This just isn't true.

It is ok to be down sometimes. Everyone experiences sadness.

I have found that obsessing that I should feel a certain way when I don't just begins a downward spiral or drags out feeling down.

Also I maybe stay off facebook when you're throwing yourself a self loathing party, never seen that help anyone.

[Savarin]

I... don't know how to say this properly, but have you considered your friends are just kind of quick?

I know you can't compare these things between places and cultures and stuff, but my friends didn't even start marrying until close to 30, and I think a few people I vaguely know further off are starting to get kids now.

I know the feeling, don't get me wrong, I spend the last several years frustrated at my lack of progress. For the last few years I've been stuck in a new step in my education while working in logistics (good work, no complaints there, but probably not the greatest tip for you as it seems easier to get into that sort of job as a guy, staying in retail/customer service is probably the safer bet), and the whole thing finally started to pay off with my current paid internship which is pretty close to my dream job. I was never really sold on the idea of kids to begin with, but it looks like the question is rapidly becoming irrelevant anyway. But I am 9 years older than you.

This means that, going by the very, very limited information I now have about you, none of these dreams are close to their expiry date. If you want to have kids it's probably good to get there before 35 or so, which means that with a little margin you'd want to be with the person you're having them with by about 30. If you want to continue your education or do internships or learn new job skills as a way to get your career started it's probably good to have that done before 30 too, and ideally before you have kids. It's not a choice, at the very least not yet, where you can only do one of these things. You might need to start putting effort into things to start off on a few tracks within a few years. Given that you apparently previously moved away from your family to Oregon and have student debt I'm guessing you already have some sort of education to build on? A bachelor or just a first year of something maybe? That would be good, it can open doors just as a proof of you being kind of a smart person who's definitely not a hobo. People also somehow project an image of being civilized and trustworthy to having some bits of education. But it's not per definition better than having worked, currently being employed is one of the biggest factors in getting a new job. I'm not very up to date on the whole school loans situation in the States, and it's good if you can keep the newly acquired debts to a reasonable minimum, but you can try to push the payments on your current debts ahead a bit for now. You will be making money for a while, and if you have a clever way to invest in yourself now it can still pay off.

For what it's worth, Pennsylvania is not a bad place for any of this. East coast cities have diverse economies, and while you don't want to pay for an apartment in the city center job wise they're probably some of the most worker friendly places in the country. That is, assuming you live anywhere near them and feel comfortable in them. Given that your friends all have kids at 21 one might guess you live in the more rural parts where this is at least according to stereotypes more common. If you want to stay there it might take a little bit of improvisation. There might be less room for just trying to be the best at what you do and then finding a job in it, and some more room for finding out what kind of jobs are offered and skills are needed near you and going after those.

On the dating front: a lot of people start pursuing relationships fanatically when they're feeling down about their lives, thinking this will fix it. While it helps for some people, a lot of people get more success with the opposite: first fix yourself, then score plenty of hot dates. Or you know, one stable relationship, whichever way you like it. And as xkcd explains it: the single pool keeps growing until you're middle aged.

As a final addition in general: I've found many people feel pretty old when they're around 22, they're "not 18 anymore". Yet after that they almost start feeling younger again.


This is way too much text for the amount of helpful advice it contains isn't it? Crap.

That helped a bit. It’s just really hard seeing everyone get so far ahead of me when I did so little

Feelings are temporary. A tricky part of depression is the illusion that you will always feel that way and you cannot remember ever feeling happy. This just isn't true.

It is ok to be down sometimes. Everyone experiences sadness.

I have found that obsessing that I should feel a certain way when I don't just begins a downward spiral or drags out feeling down.

Also I maybe stay off facebook when you're throwing yourself a self loathing party, never seen that help anyone.

I don’t go on Facebook as much as I used to but whenever I do I feel really far behind in my life. Idk I just want to make some kind of progress but it doesn’t seem like I can.

[Grinner]

General observations:

• ....Most people your age aren't even finished with college.
• Don't worry about what your friends are doing. Worry about yourself first.

Children:

• You're not in a position to be caring for children, so perish the thought of having them for now. It's what is best for them.

Employment:

• Focus on improving your immediate situation for the next few years. Develop or find better income. Get those bills under control.
• Learning a marketable skill may be useful. Community college is your friend. Some things can be done in as few as two classes.

Relationships:

• Worry about relationships next. Your situation on this front isn't nearly as bad as you think it is.
• If you find yourself unsure of how to conduct yourself, self-help books can be useful. I found advice from Aziz Ansari's Modern Romance useful.
• On the topic of self-help books, do consider what audience the book seems to be written for. They seem to make certain cultural assumptions which may or may not apply to you or your circumstances. Treat the advice therein accordingly.

[JNAProductions]

Okay. First off, take my advice with a grain or 20,000 of salt, seeing as how I'm 20 myself and live with my parents still.

But, I'm going to echo some words:

It's fine that you're still in debt. Obviously, WORK YOUR BUTT OFF to get out, but I'm still going to college. Most people your age are either just out or still attending school.

Don't feel you have to be married, or having kids. Actually, feel that you SHOULD NOT have kids-you're in debt and working a low-level job. Kids would be a bad idea.

Also, Facebook profiles tend to be "Look at how awesome my life is!" and don't mention all the little (or big) things that make their lives less than awesome. I guarantee if you talked to your friends, they'd have their own issues.

So I guess, overall, my advice is this:

Don't sweat it too much. Get married and have kids and all that on your own time. Work hard to get out of debt, and try to find a better job, but be realistic.

[Savarin]

I wasn’t planning on kids anytime soon lol money is too tight as is. I just felt that I was falling behind in life. I didn’t want to miss out on so much. This has helped me a lot though ty guys! I guess I just need to take more time and work it though some more.

[Sermil]

Hi, recently I’ve been feeling sad. When I look around on Facebook all my friends are getting married, having kids, or getting their dream jobs. I don’t feel like I have any of that going for me. I’m single 21 and have no kids. I just a cashier with school loans making me broke. I recently moved from Oregon to PA to be closer to family but my life doesn’t seem to be progressing and it’s really getting me down. I don’t know what I should do... Any helpful advice out there?...

As a general suggestion -- be careful of Facebook, and especially comparing your life to the life people share on Facebook. People don't post the sad or frustrating parts of their life, just the happiest -- or at least nicest looking -- parts.

Maybe some of your friends with kids are feeling tied down, looking at their single friends going "Geez, if only I was that carefree again." But no one ever posts that on Facebook. Few people post the days when their kids are sick, or when the responsibility is overwhelming, or when you've had to read the same book 50 times in a row and your brain is dripping out your ears from boredom.

People don't post about the fights they had with their spouse, or when their dream job turns out to want them to be oncall 24/7, or when their boss is yelling at them. People don't usually post about their doubts, their fears, their frustrations on Facebook.

So what I'm saying is, don't compare your real messy life to the curated, cleaned-up life people present on Facebook. It's like comparing your weight to photoshopped models in ads -- nobody actually looks that good, and it just makes you depressed to hold yourself to an unrealistic standard like that.

[~Corvus~]

Sav,

I invite you to see your blessings first:
You are facing a life of possibility;
You have (a vast number of) choices about who you can to be; You have education;
You can make your own decisions about your health;
You have family nearby; you have A network, likely one you can trust.

Being a parent adds much to your life; it gives purpose and a guiding light. But it requires a sacrifice of dreams and possibilities until that child takes care of itself. It is at minimum an 18 year commitment. The biology of having a child and taking care of it demands that you sacrifice money, sleep, health, social time, and friends that dont fit the limited schedule you have.

If you're feeling down, I invite you to see with gratitude what you DO have first. Imagine the items in your future you want; think with gratitude on THAT future, and avoid the bad stories that get in the way. Do the same for the job, do the same for the education needed to get there.

Gratitude cultivates strength and possibility. Do what needs to be done to achieve the future you imagine; pay what you need to pay. But dont worry about kids; they can come later.

[2D8HP]

I'm 49 and have never looked at Facebook so I can't give any advice about that, but maybe some about milestones.

I met my wife when I was 22 or 23 years old and it was more than 10 years after that we got married and had any kids (the first one didn't survive, we now have a 12 year-old and a one year-old sons).

No job worth keeping until I was in my mid 40's and we didn't own a house until then as well.

Among my social circle at 21, I don't remember anyone who achieved any of those goals.

From what I read most young adults in the USA now reach those milestones later in life compared to your parents and especially your grandparents anyway (more of your generation than mine get college diplomas, so there's that).

If you really want to compare yourself, look at Facebook less and look at census data more.

[JeenLeen]

For Facebook, keep in mind that you are probably getting a select view of folks' lives. Things may be worse than they seem. (...not meaning to insult your friends, but rather that you are getting what they choose to relay to the world, not necessarily the full picture. I'm too tired to word that better.)

As for kids, I second Lv 2 Expert. You have plenty of time for a relationship and kids down the line. Late 20s to early 30s seems good, when you're still young enough to keep up with them but old enough to really provide and have gotten past young foolishness.*

For career, have you considered applying to various state government jobs? Even a secretarial (administrative assistant/specialist) position can get low to mediocre pay with good benefits, and a steady 9-5 job can give you a routine to help stabilize your life, and it's a good stepping stone for future careers. Your opening post implies a college degree, which should give you a good standing with others applying for the same position.

Volunteering can also be helpful, such as a weekly feeding the homeless group or visiting shut-ins at a nursing home. Such helped me when I didn't have much going for me otherwise.

*no insult intended here, either. I've realized about every 5 years I can look back and say "Wow; I was so foolish 5 years ago".

[Tvtyrant]

Hi, recently I’ve been feeling sad. When I look around on Facebook all my friends are getting married, having kids, or getting their dream jobs. I don’t feel like I have any of that going for me. I’m single 21 and have no kids. I just a cashier with school loans making me broke. I recently moved from Oregon to PA to be closer to family but my life doesn’t seem to be progressing and it’s really getting me down. I don’t know what I should do... Any helpful advice out there?...

So I have three pieces of advice.

1. Decide what you want to do for the rest of your life. You won't really know if you are progressing until you know where you are going, so deciding careers, relationships, and benchmarks is important.

2. Be realistic. Everything in life takes a lot of time, and your goals need to reflect that or you are going to be disappointed. Just planning to have a plan can take years to accomplish, and your time budget should take that into account. Talk to people in your career areas and people with relationships and ask them how long things took them and what they had to do to get there.

3. Don't rush. You could probably get a girlfriend tomorrow, get married in four months and have a kid in a year if you really wanted to. You would have no idea if that relationship is going to work out, won't have the finances to make that life comfortable, and will very likely regret it in a decade but you can do it. By all means meet people, get jobs, and join something like Big Brothers or YMCA (or coach little league), but don't rush to the end. Develop the maturity and abilities needed for the position of parent first.

[ve4grm]

So I have three pieces of advice.

1. Decide what you want to do for the rest of your life. You won't really know if you are progressing until you know where you are going, so deciding careers, relationships, and benchmarks is important.

Oh, and don't stress about getting this one exactly right right away. Most people change careers at some point in their life, often a couple times. But having a goal you can work towards is very useful, even if that goal changes down the line.

For more reference of how you compare to others:

I'm 34. While I met my wife at 19, we didn't get married for 8 years after that, because I was in school and we weren't in any financial position to do so.

I graduated university in 2009. I was 26. We moved out west for work, and moved back in 2015 to be closer to family, which has helped my depression issues. While we knew we wanted them, we've only been looking seriously at having kids over the past 3 or 4 years. With luck, it will happen in the next couple years. Again, I'm 34 right now.

So yeah, don't worry about it. You have lots of time. Your Facebook friends are just moving quickly, and presenting a sanitized version of their lives to you.

You got this.