"Useless" character concepts

[krugaan]

So someone in another thread suggested that "you really have to try to make a useless character in 5e."

So ... lets try!

The Rules(tm):

- you must provide some kind of flavor here. There has to be a story (orc barbarian decides to be a bard instead after hearing a siren, has low cha and refuses to use weapons)
- the mechanics must fit the story
- the character can't literally be useless (i.e. a single class fighter with 2 str / dex / con or a wizard with no arms and legs).
- you can ignore all the other rules if the character you create is funny anyway (armless, legless wizard is a divinator that the barbarian carries around on his back so he can alter two rolls a day.)
- you get points for builds OR showing how someone else's build is more useful than it appears

[Easy_Lee]

I'll try to keep these pure-classed so it's fair.

TWF Strength-based Purple Dragon Knight with the criminal background (drafted in to PDKs due to his pure heart and "potential"): this character is not so much useless as far behind the curve. TWF does not work well with action surge and competes with second wind for the bonus action.

There are also few feats that a strength-based TWF character can take to differentiate himself. He'll have 19 AC, some DPR, and that's about it.

Fire Dragon Origin Sorcerer with all of the fire spells: the key to playing a dragon sorcerer well is to diversify your spell list. We're not going to do that. We're going to take firebolt, burning hands, scorching ray, fireball, and never replace any of them. We're also going to take Empowered and Quickened, pretty standard for a blaster.

Our character is a pyromaniac, full stop. And any time enemies are immune to fire, he's useless and can't do anything about it. Now let's put the nail in the coffin: the antagonists in the campaign are fire giants, fire elementals, and red dragons.

[Aett_Thorn]

Paladin 1/Monk X

Wear heavy armor and fight unarmed anyways. Dump Wis and go Open Hand Monk so that your subclass abilities almost never work.

[sir_argo]

Not in D&D, but a game system where dwarves live almost exclusively underground. I made an NPC dwarf that was claustrophobic. He had to leave his clan and live above ground and most of his dwarven abilities only work underground.

The same theme could be used for certain D&D classes. Imagine an half-elf that got sick of living in the city, went out into the woods and became a druid. Got to a decent level but then started really getting tired of being in the woods. He moved back to the city and has no interest in nature.

[Bahamut7]

[krugaan]

---

Now I'm imagining a minotaur bardbarian whose weapon is a huge bell.

And uses only sound spells.

Although any flavor of monk-barian is exceptionally bad.

[Kane0]

Meet Squeeb.

Squeeb is a Kobold bard. He was raised in a normal kobold den and led by a typical tyrannical dragon, one that took a liking to Squeeb and used him for entertainment. Squeeb, ever fearful of a toothy demise, learned quickly and kept his master amused despite his poor kobold mental capacity. At least he did until roaming adventurers found the warrens and wiped out the kobold population as well as the dragon that Squeeb had been underfoot. The years of jestering for the dragon had developed some severe Stockholm Syndrome in Squeeb (which is pretty normal for kobolds serving dragons when you think about it) and so after a bit of begging for his life attached himself to one of his 'saviors', where he remains to this day despite all efforts to dispose of him.

Here is Squeeb statistically speaking:
Lore Bard 1-20, Entertainer background
Standard array Str 11 Dex 17 Con 14 Int 10 Wis 12 Cha 8
Skills/Expertise: Cha skills to counteract his low Cha bonus, then Dex/Wis skills
Preferred/ spells: Heals (Healing Word, Cure Wounds, Lesser Restoration), Buffs (Bless, Aid, Invisibility), Utility (Sleep, Silence, Rituals)
Preferred ASIs: Cha increases, one Dex/Str increase, maybe Actor and Lucky feats.

Squeeb is a coward and will use his Grovel racial ability at the first sign of trouble, followed up by Bardic inspiration on the party member he has attached himself to. He will cower behind his chosen party member at all times unless it would be hazardous to do so, in which case he likes to hide in the dark (or at least the shade). Squeeb's musical talent isn't very impressive, but at least he can distract people if commanded to do so. He's also not a terrible healer, and his spells are helpful to his master even if they aren't effective against anyone hostile to him.

TL;DR Squeeb is a low Cha buff & heal bot, abusing abilities and spells that don't rely on his rolls or DC. Great support with moderately good AC & HP but can't do much himself.

[Unoriginal]

Squeeb seems pretty useful, though.

[krugaan]

Meet Squeeb.

Squeeb is a Kobold bard. He was raised in a normal kobold den and led by a typical tyrannical dragon, one that took a liking to Squeeb and used him for entertainment. Squeeb, ever fearful of a toothy demise, learned quickly and kept his master amused despite his poor kobold mental capacity. At least he did until roaming adventurers found the warrens and wiped out the kobold population as well as the dragon that Squeeb had been underfoot. The years of jestering for the dragon had developed some severe Stockholm Syndrome in Squeeb (which is pretty normal for kobolds serving dragons when you think about it) and so after a bit of begging for his life attached himself to one of his 'saviors', where he remains to this day despite all efforts to dispose of him.

Here is Squeeb statistically speaking:
Lore Bard 1-20, Entertainer background
Standard array Str 11 Dex 17 Con 14 Int 10 Wis 12 Cha 8
Skills/Expertise: Cha skills to counteract his low Cha bonus, then Dex/Wis skills
Preferred/ spells: Heals (Healing Word, Cure Wounds, Lesser Restoration), Buffs (Bless, Aid, Invisibility), Utility (Sleep, Silence, Rituals)
Preferred ASIs: Cha increases, one Dex/Str increase, maybe Actor and Lucky feats.

Squeeb is a coward and will use his Grovel racial ability at the first sign of trouble, followed up by Bardic inspiration on the party member he has attached himself to. He will cower behind his chosen party member at all times unless it would be hazardous to do so, in which case he likes to hide in the dark (or at least the shade). Squeeb's musical talent isn't very impressive, but at least he can distract people if commanded to do so. He's also not a terrible healer, and his spells are helpful to his master even if they aren't effective against anyone hostile to him.

TL;DR Squeeb is a low Cha buff & heal bot, abusing abilities and spells that don't rely on his rolls or DC. Great support with moderately good AC & HP but can't do much himself.

Hah, anytime I hear kobold bard, I immediate think of Deekin from Neverwinter Nights. And actually, this might be a decent description of his role in the game, lol.

[Kane0]

Indeed, he was the inspiration. Turns out pretty well in a balanced party, especially if you have two or more heavy hitters you can support.

[sithlordnergal]

I'll try to keep these pure-classed so it's fair.

TWF Strength-based Purple Dragon Knight with the criminal background (drafted in to PDKs due to his pure heart and "potential"): this character is not so much useless as far behind the curve. TWF does not work well with action surge and competes with second wind for the bonus action.

There are also few feats that a strength-based TWF character can take to differentiate himself. He'll have 19 AC, some DPR, and that's about it.

Fire Dragon Origin Sorcerer with all of the fire spells: the key to playing a dragon sorcerer well is to diversify your spell list. We're not going to do that. We're going to take firebolt, burning hands, scorching ray, fireball, and never replace any of them. We're also going to take Empowered and Quickened, pretty standard for a blaster.

Our character is a pyromaniac, full stop. And any time enemies are immune to fire, he's useless and can't do anything about it. Now let's put the nail in the coffin: the antagonists in the campaign are fire giants, fire elementals, and red dragons.

O-O So, I actually know someone who made the pyromancer build. Only instead of a Sorcerer, he went Evoker Wizard and woukd only take fire spells. It was really fun for Storm King's Thunder...until we reached the Fire Giant section. Then he was useless.

[Kane0]

He didn't have Elemental Adept by that point?

[Hyde]

He didn't have Elemental Adept by that point?

(Elemental adept does nothing against immunity, sadly)

[krugaan]

(Elemental adept does nothing against immunity, sadly)

Huh, I didn't realize that.

[Bahamut7]

---

Now I'm imagining a minotaur bardbarian whose weapon is a huge bell.

And uses only sound spells.

Although any flavor of monk-barian is exceptionally bad.

Glad that could inspire you.

[mgshamster]

I... Am... The... MINOTARD!

(Cause it's a mix of minotaur and bard! )

[mgshamster]

I'll try to keep these pure-classed so it's fair.

TWF Strength-based Purple Dragon Knight
Fire Dragon Origin Sorcerer with all of the fire spells:

... I have both of those Characters. :(

However, they do fairly decent in game.

(Exception: my strength based twf is a champ, not a pdk)

[krugaan]

I... Am... The... MINOTARD!

(Cause it's a mix of minotaur and bard! )

Ouch.

Someone fluff a barbarimonk, my creative juices are not flowing atm.

Monkbarian? Monkian.

Hmmm.

[The Shadowdove]

Most anime and video game knockoffs, as players are so horrible at trying to capture their fangasm while trying to be as Chuck Norris from level 1 that it makes the character effectively useless.

[mgshamster]

Ouch.

Someone fluff a barbarimonk, my creative juices are not flowing atm.

Monkbarian? Monkian.

Hmmm.

Bonk. The barbarian monk is just totally Bonkers.

[krugaan]

Bonk. The barbarian monk is just totally Bonkers.

Goddamnit, I should have thought of that.

But really, Bonkers is barbarian / monk / fighter.

ZING.

How about this: the undecided major.

Keeps dipping in classes before finally settling on something.

I'm thinking son of a rich noble, gets pushed into the clergy (cleric) or something, but rebels and becomes a thug or thief for awhile (rogue). After months of stealing and brawling, get bailed out and joins a monastery (monk). The abbot (?) teaches him how to kung fu fight, but then due to him being crazy and wanting to blow up the world, the son flees and goes back home, where he figures out that he wants to fight bad guys instead of be an indecisive loser (paladin).

[Caelic]

Nebb Neblinson, The Lord of Cantrips.

Young Nebb Neblinson was a bright lad, interested in everything. He was particularly fascinated by magic. And so it was that Neblin sought to study the magical arts under a wizard of repute.

However, as he studied, Nebb became increasingly fascinated with cantrips. "Why," he pondered to himself, "Is it that cantrips, and only cantrips, do not tax a spellcaster's resources? Why can they be invoked over and over again? Surely, if we could unlock that secret, we could figure out how to apply it to spells of greater power!"

And so, Nebb devoted himself exclusively to the study of cantrips. He has not yet unlocked the essential secrets he seeks, but he sure does know a heck of a lot of cantrips at this point.

Forest Gnome Wizard (Illusionist) 4/Arcana Cleric 4/Bard 4/Druid 4/Celestial Warlock 3 (Pact of the Tome)/Sorcerer 1

This build is, of course, designed to maximize cantrips known. By the time he reaches the peak of his power at level 20, Nebb knows:

1. Minor Illusion
2. 3 Bard cantrips
3. 4 Cleric cantrips
4. 2 Wizard cantrips (known as cleric cantrips)
5. 3 Druid cantrips
6. 4 Sorcerer cantrips
7. 2 Warlock cantrips
8. Light and Sacred Flame (as Warlock cantrips)
9. 3 cantrips from any class's spell list
10. 5 Wizard cantrips (4 base plus one from Master Illusionist)

...for a grand total of 29 cantrips known, not including any gained from feats! Of course, he also has the spell slots of a 17th level caster with which to power his myriad of first and second level spells, but who cares? Cantrips are where the REAL power is, baby.

[krugaan]

Nebb Neblinson, The Lord of Cantrips.

Young Nebb Neblinson was a bright lad, interested in everything. He was particularly fascinated by magic. And so it was that Neblin sought to study the magical arts under a wizard of repute.

However, as he studied, Nebb became increasingly fascinated with cantrips. "Why," he pondered to himself, "Is it that cantrips, and only cantrips, do not tax a spellcaster's resources? Why can they be invoked over and over again? Surely, if we could unlock that secret, we could figure out how to apply it to spells of greater power!"

And so, Nebb devoted himself exclusively to the study of cantrips. He has not yet unlocked the essential secrets he seeks, but he sure does know a heck of a lot of cantrips at this point.

Forest Gnome Wizard (Illusionist) 4/Arcana Cleric 4/Bard 4/Druid 4/Celestial Warlock 3 (Pact of the Tome)/Sorcerer 1

This build is, of course, designed to maximize cantrips known. By the time he reaches the peak of his power at level 20, Nebb knows:

1. Minor Illusion
2. 3 Bard cantrips
3. 4 Cleric cantrips
4. 2 Wizard cantrips (known as cleric cantrips)
5. 3 Druid cantrips
6. 4 Sorcerer cantrips
7. 2 Warlock cantrips
8. Light and Sacred Flame (as Warlock cantrips)
9. 3 cantrips from any class's spell list
10. 5 Wizard cantrips (4 base plus one from Master Illusionist)

...for a grand total of 29 cantrips known, not including any gained from feats! Of course, he also has the spell slots of a 17th level caster with which to power his myriad of first and second level spells, but who cares? Cantrips are where the REAL power is, baby.

Hah, he's also have pretty rootin' tootin stats too, with full asi's, essentially.

... are there even 29 total cantrips?

[Caelic]

Hah, he's also have pretty rootin' tootin stats too, with full asi's, essentially.

Naturally! Think of the number of spellcasting stats he needs to pump up!

... are there even 29 total cantrips?

By my quick-count, there are 27 in the PHB. But...gah! There are ten more in Xanathar's, and four more in SCAG! Nebb is not yet the master of all cantrips. MUST...HAVE...MORE...CANTRIPS!

[Personification]

It wasn't my build and I'm pretty sure not 5E, but I know someone who made an abnormally tall and clumsy Halfling and took away Halfling related stealth type bonuses. He was named Bigsy Smalls. I'm pretty sure that this wouldn't work as well (poorly?) in 5E, but it is still funny.

[sithlordnergal]

Say hello to Bagook the Kobold Beserker Barbarian

Bagook's only claims to fame are his ability to Grovel, Cower, and Beg, and his ability to ignore the disadvantage imposed by using a Heavy Weapon and his Sunlight Sensitivity. So, let us start with abilities.

Str: 13
Dex: 14
Con: 14
Int: 10
Wis: 12
Cha: 9

Thanks to Kobolds having a -2 strength, Bagook has to put a 15 in in his strength to have a nice 13. Also, despite being Small he insists on wielding a Greataxe, which is a Heavy Weapon. This instantly imposes disadvantage on all his attack rolls. Luckily, he can choose to attack recklessly or use pack tactics. So those disadvantages even out.

Next, we have a lovely Frenzy Barbarian, with all the pros and cons it brings. And you know how rage filled little Bagook is. If he enters a Rage, he'll likely enter a Frenzy. After all, exhaustion is no big deal for a mighty Kobold.

Finally, he could never use armor. He must be strong, like a true Barbarian, and wear no armor at all!! Giving him a lovely AC of 14.

Strengths: He can use Heavy Weapons as a Small creature by finding multiple ways to cancel out the disadvantage, he can Cower, Grovel, and Beg to give his companions a boost, much to his shame, he is a relativly tanky Kobold since all Barbarians are inherently tanky.

Weaknesses: only has a +1 mod to strength, only has a +2 con mod, daylight sensitivity and using heavy weapons automatically impose disadvantage, if he uses reckless attack the enemies have advantage while he can only cancel out his disadvantage, frenzy will constantly leave him exhausted, he will have low hp and low ac.

While he can hit something, Bagook is not very good at it...at all. While the Barbarian is a tanky class, the +2 con mod will hurt in the long run. Even with his rage ability, it isn't enough to bring Bagook up to even a regular level of competency.

[Caelic]

Not useless, but:

NOBB NOSEFINGER, WARLOCK EXTRAORDINAIRE

You've heard the saying "There's a village somewhere missing its idiot?" Yeah, that's Nobb. I won't say he's dumb, but he thinks "farm" is spelled "E-I-E-I-O." One day, Nobb went wandering into the woods while pondering one of his favorite philosophical questions: "How many flavors of porridge are there?"

While pondering, he got lost. This was not an uncommon occurrence; Nobb frequently got lost on the way to or from the privy.

Deep in the forest, he stumbled across a shrine made of bones. In the center of the shrine, surrounded by a ring of charred skulls, their bony features seeming contorted in unspeakable horror, was a large red gem, glowing with a sinister dark light that pulsated like blood through the black heart of a demon lord.

Nobb thought it looked like candy, so he licked it.

The shadows swirled and coalesced into a towering form of fire and darkness. It glared down at Nobb with eyes burning with unholy malevolence, and in a voice like tearing metal, spoke:

"DID...YOU...JUST...LICK ME!?"

Long story short: Bapalmodezub, the Evil Lord of Evilness, offered Nobb a pact: his immortal soul in exchange for a small sack of peanuts. Nobb, however, was far too smart for this: he demanded TWO small sacks of peanuts.

The upswing of this? Nobb is now a Pact of the Chain warlock with an Imp familiar named Irving. Irving spends his days trying to explain things to his master--complex concepts, like "Shoes are for feet, gloves are for hands." "The other end of the horse is forward." Things like that.

He's beginning to have regrets about the whole arrangement, and is frankly starting to get nostalgic for the Pits of Sulfurous Torment.

[Gritmonger]

Human Lore Bard who only takes spells that could plausibly be interpreted as just really good talking. Including any bonus spells and cantrips.

Actually played this - I was useless around undead...

[Easy_Lee]

... I have both of those Characters. :(

However, they do fairly decent in game.

(Exception: my strength based twf is a champ, not a pdk)

Sorry. Champ is better than PDK, though. The crits and remarkable athlete are generally useful. Better characters exist, but that's okay.

PDK is a cool concept but it's too difficult to make it work mechanically. Inspiring Leader and GWM only go so far.

[Bahamut7]

Naturally! Think of the number of spellcasting stats he needs to pump up!



By my quick-count, there are 27 in the PHB. But...gah! There are ten more in Xanathar's, and four more in SCAG! Nebb is not yet the master of all cantrips. MUST...HAVE...MORE...CANTRIPS!

Could give him the Magic Initiative feat and make him a Tome Warlock to boost his cantrips by 5 with that. Plus he could ask the DM to convert all his spell slots into cantrips.