Tell A Joke!

[Stuebi]

A man is on a cruise, and standing on deck gazing out to the sea. As the ship passes a remote island, he can spot a figure standing on the beach. The figure turns out to be a man, looking somewhat malnourished and dirty. The man is jumping up and down, waving, and as the boat passes, runs up and down the beach.

Confused by this, the passenger turns to one of the sailors who is standing nearby.

"What is with him?"

The sailor shrugs his shoulders.

Nevermind him, he is always this excited when we pass through here.

-

Three guys, Jack, Joe and Averell, find a lamp in the middle of the forest, as they are out camping. After wiping it clean, a Genie appears. Grateful for being freed, he promises each of his saviours three wishes.

For the first wish, Jack asks to be a bilionaire, and is made rich. Joe wishes for the fastest car in the world, and is granted the vehicle on the spot. Averell... wishes for his right arm to rotate clockwise, and it promptly starts doing so.

For the second wish, Jack asks to be married to the woman of his dreams, and she promptly appears next to him. Joe wishes for a beautiful mansion on the countryside, and it too is granted to him. Averell... wishes for his left arm to rotate counter-clockwise.

For their final wish, Jack asks for a healthy and fulfilling future, which the Genie guarantees. Joe wishes for maigcal helpers, who shall maintain both his new car and his new mansion. Averell... asks for his head to bob back and forth rapidly.

Years later, the three meet again in a bar. Jack and Joe share exciting stories of their new, wonderful life. And then, expectantly, turn to Averell.

Averell, arms still rotating, and head still bobing admits:

"In retrospect, those were some awful wishes.

[The Fury]

God that post eruption new wave stuff. It's totally a rehash.

Yeah, magma music is better 'cause it's more underground.

[Delta]

Yeah, magma music is better 'cause it's more underground.

And it's quite literally rock, but before it was cool.

[Ravens_cry]

There was a hipster who was into magma music.

Spoiler

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It's rock music before it was cool

How did the feel about lava music?

God that post eruption new wave stuff. It's totally a rehash.

Yeah, magma music is better 'cause it's more underground.

And it's quite literally rock, but before it was cool.

And so we come full circle.

[House Greyjoy]

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have, pal?" The skeleton replies, "A pint of lager and a mop."

[Peelee]

And so we come full circle.

I was just fishing for "it s better when it was underground," myself.

[Ravens_cry]

A string tries to get into a club, but the bouncer says "No strings here!"
So the string goes away, only to try again, only to again be told by the bouncer, "I told you, no strings allowed."
So the string goes away, only this time they tie themselves in a knot and undo their top strands. Finally, they go back to the club. "Hey!" says the bouncer says, pointing. "Aren't you that string I told twice to beat it?"
The string, with a look of perfect indignation, looks the bouncer square in the eye and says . . .

Spoiler

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"I'm a frayed knot!"

[WarKitty]

A priest, a doctor, and a lawyer were all attending a funeral. Before his death, the deceased had given each of them 15 thousand dollars and told them to make sure 10 thousand was put into his coffin.

The priest said that he knew he promised, but there were so many needs to meet, so he had taken an extra 2 thousand and put it into the fund for the poor. The envelope contained only 8 thousand.

The doctor spoke next, saying that they had badly needed a new scanner and hadn't been able to afford it. So he'd taken 5 thousand out and used it so he could by the machine, and then put the remaining 5 thousand into the coffin.

The lawyer spoke up last. "You two should be ashamed of yourselves! I'll have you know I put a check for the full amount in!"

[The Fury]

I was just fishing for "it s better when it was underground," myself.

Happy to oblige, I guess.

A string tries to get into a club, but the bouncer says "No strings here!"
So the string goes away, only to try again, only to again be told by the bouncer, "I told you, no strings allowed."
So the string goes away, only this time they tie themselves in a knot and undo their top strands. Finally, they go back to the club. "Hey!" says the bouncer says, pointing. "Aren't you that string I told twice to beat it?"
The string, with a look of perfect indignation, looks the bouncer square in the eye and says . . .

Spoiler

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"I'm a frayed knot!"

Oh... my... gosh... For years I thought I was the only one going around telling that joke! You have no idea how happy you've made me!

Ahem. So, here's one that I'll admit is pretty old and kind of lame, but I still like it for some reason.

So a horse a pirate and a duck walk into a bar, the bartender says, "What is this? A joke?"

[Peelee]

Duck walks into a hardware store, hops up on the counter, looks at the clerk, and says, "you got any grapes?" The clerk looks at the duck a bit confused, and says, "no, this is a hardware store." The duck walks off. The next day, the duck walks into the hardware store again, hops up on the counter, looks at the clerk, and says, "you got any grapes?" The clerk looks at the duck a bit flustered and says, "no, I told you yesterday. We're a hardware store. We don't have any grapes." The duck walks out. The next day, again, the duck walks into the hardware store, hops right back up on the counter, and says, "you got any grapes?" The clerk looks at the duck and shouts, "no, dammit, and if you come back in asking for grapes again I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!" The duck quickly retreats from the store.

The next day, the duck walks into a print shop, hops up on the counter, looks at the clerk, and says, "you got any nails?" The clerk looks at the duck a bit confused, and says, "no, this is a print shop." The duck replies, "in that case, you got any grapes?"

[Sermil]

How many company executives does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, to hold the bulb while the world revolves around them.


How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?

5 -- one to change the bulb and 4 to relate to the experience, man.


How many Oregonians does it take to change a light bulb?

6 -- one to change the bulb and 5 to fend off the Californians come to the relate to the experience.


How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?

50? Ya, 50, it's in the contract, see?


How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer 1: One, to give to 5 Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.
Answer 2: In http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showt...2#post23366732, Sermil showed that one mathematician can change a light bulb. Now, if k mathematicians can change a light bulb, then one more mathematician watching the operation will not interfere, so k+1 mathematicians can also change a light bulb. Therefore n mathematicians can change a light bulb, for any positive integer n.
REFERENCES: Sermil, Re: Tell A Joke!, 2018

(and so on, and so on. Shamelessly stolen from The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes)

[AliceKCunningha]

God that post eruption new wave stuff. It's totally a rehash.

: Smallbiggrin:: Smallbiggrin:: Smallbiggrin: Lol

[Delta]

How many germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

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Only one, germans are very efficient and don't have a sense of humor

[Ravens_cry]

How many germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

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Only one, germans are very efficient and don't have a sense of humor

How many Germans does it take to say no?

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9!

[enderlord99]

How many Germans does it take to say no?

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9!

Why would it take 362880 Germans to say "no?"

[jwhouk]

I took a picture of a farmer's field, but it didn't come out right. It was too grainy.

[The Fury]

I interviewed for a job selling vacuum cleaners.

I decided I didn't want the job, it would've really sucked.

[Ravens_cry]

Why would it take 362880 Germans to say "no?"

362871 less than that, actually.

[enderlord99]

362871 less than that, actually.

Then you wrote it wrong. 9!≠9

[Ravens_cry]

Then you wrote it wrong. 9!≠9

Not if it is 9 said with an exclamation mark to denote it being said loudly.

[Mith]

Then you wrote it wrong. 9!≠9

Or 9!99. (Nine factorial nein nine).

[Tigor]

Roses are red
I play ping-pong
Decisions, Decisions
All of them wrong

[danzibr]

Why would it take 362880 Germans to say "no?"

Roses are red
I play ping-pong
Decisions, Decisions
All of them wrong

My favorite jokes so far.

[House Greyjoy]

I like my tea the way I like jokes about how I like my tea: not at all.

[Peelee]

I like my tea the way I like jokes about how I like my tea: not at all.

Such jokes are not your cup of tea?

[House Greyjoy]

No, they don't matcha my sense of humor.

[Peccavi]

So, there's these two nuns and they're on their way to a nun's convention (or wherever it is that nuns go). They're driving their car down a long secluded road in the dead of night. All of a sudden a monstrous vampire bat lands on the front of the car. It has its enormous dripping fangs out, and very clearly wants to eat these two nuns.

The nun in the passenger frantically asks "Sister, Sister! What do we do?"

The nun in the drivers seat whilst trying to keep the car on the road hurriedly replies "Show him your Cross!"

The passenger nun rolls down the window and shakes her fist "Get off our <insert expletive>ing bonnet!"

[Peelee]

So, there's these two nuns and they're on their way to a nun's convention (or wherever it is that nuns go). They're driving their car down a long secluded road in the dead of night. All of a sudden a monstrous vampire bat lands on the front of the car. It has its enormous dripping fangs out, and very clearly wants to eat these two nuns.

The nun in the passenger frantically asks "Sister, Sister! What do we do?"

The nun in the drivers seat whilst trying to keep the car on the road hurriedly replies "Show him your Cross!"

The passenger nun rolls down the window and shakes her fist "Get off our <insert expletive>ing bonnet!"

1.) a nun joke I haven't heard before. Impressive.
B.) also probably the best nun joke I've heard. Most impressive.
III.) Heh. Nun convention.

[Telonius]

Tell a joke!

What do you want me to tell it?

[Cazero]

A short man enter a bar, sits to the counter and orders a nice cup of black coffee, boiling hot with two sugars. He is served, drinks, and when the owner give him the bill for it he says "I'm not paying because nobody scares me" then leaves without paying.

The owner is outraged but doesn't make a fuss because that's bad for business. But the next day, the same short man shows up, asks for the same thing and leave without paying again for the same reason. And the same thing happens again the day after. At that point, the owner got enough of it. So the following day, he got a strong man from the docks on the other side of town to show up in his bar to beat up the short man if he tries it again.

Then the short man enter the bar, sits to the counter and orders a nice cup of hot coffee, boiling hot with two sugars. The owner brings the coffee with the bill, and just like the three previous time, the short man says "I'm not paying because nobody scares me". At that point, the docker shows up and says "Did I hear that right? Nobody scares you?" to wich the short man answers without hesitation "Yes, nobody scares me." and the docker replies "Well, nobody scares me either" with a threatening arm flexing.

At that point, the short man turns to the bar owner and says "in that case, we'll take a second nice cup of black coffee, boiling hot with two sugars."