Things I May No Longer Do While Playing XII: A Thousand-Yard Stare is not Permission

[Rater202]

*When told to distract the guards, I can't just run up to them, deck one of them in the face, and then run away while singing "With Catlike Tread" at the top of my lungs and out of key.
**The fact that it worked and we were able to rob the place they were guarding blind is no excuse.

[Anonymouswizard]

* Under no circumstances may my Kindred take the name 'Sucky McSuckface'.
** I am also not allowed to give decent arguments for why a Brujah is claiming Camarilla membership.

* Common household items are no longer assumed to be available for free.

* It doesn't matter what the rules say, '2,000,000,000,000,000,001 Mickey Mouse themed chronometers' is not a valid Rogue Trader starting purchase.
** If I can't fit it all in the ship I can't purchase it.
*** If we have to throw existing cargo out I can't purchase it.
**** The GM is well aware that this bans me from buying ships.

[JAL_1138]

*May not order pizza so that we can use the delivery driver as a substitute human sacrifice for the banishment ritual after we accidentally killed the possessed paranormal scholar, who would have been a much better choice to sacrifice, outside the ritual circle while we were trying to get him not to chainsaw our heads off.

[Rater202]

*May not order pizza so that we can use the delivery driver as a substitute human sacrifice for the banishment ritual after we accidentally killed the possessed paranormal scholar, who would have been a much better choice to sacrifice, outside the ritual circle while we were trying to get him not to chainsaw our heads off.

**May not give pizza instead of human sacrifices as an offering.

[Anonymouswizard]

**May not give pizza instead of human sacrifices as an offering.

*** No result on a Diplomacy check will convince the eldritch horror to start requesting pizza sacrifices.

* The GM is not an eldritch horror.

[JAL_1138]

*** No result on a Diplomacy check will convince the eldritch horror to start requesting pizza sacrifices.

****Despite precedent, brownies will not work either.

[Telok]

New canon in my Dungeons the Dragoning game: Vectron will accept pizza delivery drivers as sacrifices as long as he gets the pizza too.

I may no longer use the evil temple from "Big Trouble in Little China" as a backdrop to chase the vampire (with phobias of both seafood and demons) around with a daemonette of Slaneesh "hungering for his innocence". The daemonette is OK, it's the tacky neon high lighting the giant skull with the escalator that's verboten.

[JAL_1138]

*Having a character with such a high Bureaucracy, Criminology, Law, and Persuade skills that I can get nearly any Delta Green assignment authorized as an official FBI investigation, thereby removing most if not all difficulties in accessing various locations or evidence and we can simply call into the FBI office to confirm it if an NPC questions it, is apparently bad form.
**Particularly if the entire party follows suit and builds a medical examiner, crime-scene technician, SWAT officer, and criminal profiler who all work out of the same FBI field office.
***Still not allowed to just molotov the dilapidated mansion at the outset of the session.
****Even if it would have solved everything right away and that poor delivery guy would still be alive.
*****Seriously, fifteen people had died in that house in the past ten years before we got there, including children, why had the city not condemned it and bulldozed it?!
******Dilapidated mansions are not considered such a public health and safety risk that state and federal government have set a maximum square footage on all new home construction, and a requirement that all existing homes must meet certain regular maintenance standards or be seized through eminent domain and demolished the minute they even start to look shabby, to nip the problem in the bud before anything gets dilapidated or run-down or people use the phrase “seen better days” in reference to it.

[x1372]

* If the bartender is unable to provide us with any assistance whatsoever, that doesn't mean we need to burn this city to the ground.
** Even if, in retrospect, that probably would have been better for the world as a whole.
*** Especially if we've accidentatlly causes significantly more damage to another urban center in the past.
**** The wizard most responsible for said destruction shouldn't be the only one actively against burning things now.
***** Especially if he's been nicknamed "Pompeii."

* If our first encounter of the session is literally the thing our psion has nightmares about, he probably shouldn't take point.

* When discovering that an entire city is controlled by intelligent parasites, I should probably consider how to destroy them before how to blackmail them.

* Hearing a voice talking to us in our heads is probably a good excuse to re-unite a split party.

* If the newest player in the group rolls up a Frenzied Berserker, they should probably mention it in character before they inadvertently murder an ally in a single blow.
** The cleric's first response about her murdered ally shouldn't be "you owe me 1000 gold."
*** The cleric's second response probably shouldn't be "bring it" when informed that the berserker has 3 more attacks to make in the round, no matter how much AC she has.
**** Baleful Polymorph may have solved the situation temporarily, but now we have a barely revived party member and a small turtle "ally" to deal with.
***** Ending the session at that when the next is four weeks away may be a mite frustrating for the new player.
****** Mentioning the possibility of keeping his character as a pet was probably not the most tactful option.

* A squad of four first level characters in their second combat together probably shouldn't gel as the most well-oiled combat machine I've seen in a year of playing.
** Especially when the same four players were a complete mess at teamwork with their ninth level characters in the previous campaing.

* If two characters roll back-to-back natural 1s on the same target, their wizard ally 10ft away from each has every reason to fear for his health.
** Even more so if the DM describes the missed blows as as grazing and poking holes in the wizard's clothing.

* The rogue shouldn't be excited by the possibility of a forest fire.

* The description of the cleric's "toll the dead" cantrip shouldn't be THAT much more terrifying than the enraged barbarian.

* If the wizard drops to exactly 1 HP when he chooses to save his spell slot and not cast shield, it's only going to encourage him to do so again in the future.
** Especially if the saved spell slot ultimately prevents the final enemy from escaping.

* If there are 9 possible paths, only one of which is correct, the party will inevitably follow every incorrect one first.
** Discovery that a wrong path flings you back out is not an excuse for the sorceress to go in backwards, so she can do a superman pose.

* Rolling with advantage or disadvantage is not an excuse for my d20 to roll the same number twice in a row. Five times in three sessions is worrying.
** the double-sixes twice on 2d6 in two sesions will also raise some eyebrows.

* The rogue should not be surprised when told that checking for traps is "their job."
** In retrospect, investigation may have been a worthwhile skill proficiency.
*** Having the fighter get bored waiting and walk straight past him during the search is not encouraging.

* The GM probably shouldn't encourage a new player to move to a point that causes them to take attacks of opportunity without mentioning that fact.
** Giving them a countdown when they attempt an alternative is unproductive.
*** interrupting players who are moving their minis and taking actions with the countdown is right out.

* Just because his character has a penalty in all 3 mental stats doesn't mean the goblin's player shouldn't answer the riddle no one else can solve.

* If we get a scroll of comprehend languages, the sorceress should accept it rather than decline because "she doesn't like doing the talking."
** Especially if she's the only member of the party capable of using the scroll, and has by far the most charisma.

* A party with 3 rangers in a forest should not be worried about running out of rations.

* A small bag of random toys and trinkets should not be more coveted than any of the weapons or treasure we've found thus far.

* I should not argue against a rules interpretation that is actively helpful to the party in general and me in particular.

[JAL_1138]

*Must warn people that a certain few sets of my dice aren’t “lucky,” they just really hate PCs, and will try to get MY character killed too if I use them when I’m a player, and will naturally do the same for anyone borrowing them.
**Stating this plainly and in no uncertain terms is apparently an insufficient warning.
***Even when another player, against whom they’d critted six times in one session, and who’d seen my PC crit-fail a series of important checks, saves, and attack rolls in a subsequent game, confirms the warning.
****It doesn’t matter if the system is roll under instead of roll high, the only bias they have is against player characters—they’ll roll however they need to roll to wreck a PC.
*****Apparently is IS somehow my fault the person forgot their dice at home and those were the only ones I had with me to lend at the time.
******Yes, the chances of rolling four crit-fails in a row are highly improbable. Unless you’re a PC using my evil dice.
*******Passing my dice to the DM and borrowing the DM’s dice instead will not solve the problem, as the DM will proceed to crit the bejeezus out of us repeatedly until they give my dice back to me so as not to TPK the party, collect their own dice back from the player who swapped with them, and tells the player to just share with somebody else.

[Personification]

*Must warn people that a certain few sets of my dice aren’t “lucky,” they just really hate PCs, and will try to get MY character killed too if I use them when I’m a player, and will naturally do the same for anyone borrowing them.
**Stating this plainly and in no uncertain terms is apparently an insufficient warning.
***Even when another player, against whom they’d critted six times in one session, and who’d seen my PC crit-fail a series of important checks, saves, and attack rolls in a subsequent game, confirms the warning.
****It doesn’t matter if the system is roll under instead of roll high, the only bias they have is against player characters—they’ll roll however they need to roll to wreck a PC.
*****Apparently is IS somehow my fault the person forgot their dice at home and those were the only ones I had with me to lend at the time.
******Yes, the chances of rolling four crit-fails in a row are highly improbable. Unless you’re a PC using my evil dice.
*******Passing my dice to the DM and borrowing the DM’s dice instead will not solve the problem, as the DM will proceed to crit the bejeezus out of us repeatedly until they give my dice back to me so as not to TPK the party, collect their own dice back from the player who swapped with them, and tells the player to just share with somebody else.

And they say their are no dice gods, the poor ignorant fools! All hail Deetventi'i, the overlord!

[Telok]

* I may no longer RP the daemonette of Slaneesh casting Command, Charm, r Dominate.

[Anonymouswizard]

* Artificer? Sure.
** You want your arteficer to be under four feet tall, okay...
*** No. Just no.
**** I am to put down the hammer before something explodes.
***** Magic items can do things other than explode.
****** 'Mr Gearkins' cannot have a self destruct feature.
******* Mr Gearkins is also not a four foot tall mechanical giant space hamster.
******** Even if I've accidentally sent him to space.
********* Didn't we name an entire thread after this?

[danielxcutter]

* If a GM offers you "a named artifact of your choice" and gives you four weeks to pick, you shouldn't still be scrambling the morning of the next session.
** (Seriously though if there's something awesome a true neutral 3.5 transmuter wizard could use I still haven't decided)

Staff of the Archmagi.

[Eternis]

*I may not invade an elvish kingdom for the sole reason of abusing the interaction between racial weapon proficiencies and the spell Animate Dead.
**No, their racist attitudes are still no excuse.
***A diplomatic incident is something involving both a diplomatic personage and either a murder or a grave offense to honour. Not "an elf was nearby when I stubbed my toe".
****Still no, even when the King of the dwarves agrees with you.
-Some time later-
*****I may not parade around elvish child corpses in a grotesque and offensive mockery of all that is good and holy even if my reasons for doing so are to incite war.
******Especially not if my reasons are to incite war.
*******Especially not if my character isn't explicitly evil.

[Rater202]

*I may not invade an elvish kingdom for the sole reason of abusing the interaction between racial weapon proficiencies and the spell Animate Dead.

*May not question the context of this.

[Lord Raziere]

* May not blackmail a guard with the fact that he knits pink bunny slippers in his off time
** or that he reads the japanese ninja version of MLP:FIM

* My character can be a heroine without being a lesbian.

[Alabenson]

** or that he reads the japanese ninja version of MLP:FIM

*** May not derail the mission to knock out and rob said guard because "I haven't read that issue yet."

[DeTess]

*The wizard's shove action against fighter-type creature should not succeed.
**If it does succeed, it should not result in more damage done than all the cantrips cast by the wizard in that session combined.
***Not even if every last one of those cantrips missed.

[Cinder39134]

*May not let the thread remain un-updated for more than two and a half weeks.
**Even if you didn't previously have an account.
***Yes, you do have to contribute, you can't just bump a thread and hope someone else responds.
****Self-referential humor is not a proper substitute for actual humor. Get to writing up a full post already.



*When the mission calls for stealth, I may not immediately start blowing things up as soon as our cover appears that it might be threatened.
**Especially not if we haven't even met up with the person we're extracting.
***No, not even if they'd already pressed the silent alarm. All those explosions are just going to make it the loud alarm.

*It may be a good idea to try to infiltrate the ventilation systems to evade multiple armed patrols.
**It's probably less smart to send only the slow, loud, half-machine guy in there.
***Especially not if we're trying to sneak up on the guy in the prison's control center.
****Even if he is the only one who can deactivate the security systems, he's not even the best in hand-to-hand combat.
*****This goes double if the hand-to-hand combat expert can actually also deactivate the systems.

*If we've been explicitly told that this is an extra-high-security prison, then it's probably not a good idea to cut the power to the whole place.
**After cutting power to the whole place, we probably should have figured out something was very wrong when we started to hear the guards being brutally murdered.
*** We definitely should have been on alert for the source of those problems when the walls started dripping blood.
****If we find a little girl singing cheerfully in the (blood-dripping) hallway, the appropriate response is either A, run away in panic, or B, start shooting.
*****It is definitely not C, invite her to join our group.
******Nor is it D, befriend her and carry her around on your shoulder.

*If we're trying to get into the engineering bay to get some alien technology to help our escape, we should discuss how we're going to get inside before we get there.
**We should not loudly discuss the plan to kill everyone inside immediately outside the door.
***We definitely shouldn't do this after they've aimed a railgun at the door, and are prepared to fire as soon as it opens.
****May not, after loudly and explicitly planning to kill everyone inside the room, remotely open the door and stand in front of it.

*May not establish emotional bonds with the extremely powerful, psychic girl.
**That goes double for establishing mental bonds with same.
***That goes quadruple if she is in fact being possessed by a demon at the same time.
****I don't care if it's 'more convenient', the fact of the matter is that you've just guaranteed that we won't be able to surprise her when needed.

*Should not jump off the roof of a building to charge into melee against a force with superior arms and numbers.
**Should not jump off the roof immediately after the first guy to jump off broke his ankle on impact.
***Especially not if we've got rope we can use to lower ourselves down safely.
****And if the opposing force was already wiped out when trying to jump the second time.

*May do our best to disable the anti-aircraft guns before we call for an evac.
**May make our way to the vehicle hangar to get rid of the densest cluster of AA guns.
***May not proceed to steal several massive mech suits from said hangar.
****Especially not if no one knows how to pilot them properly.
*****May not destroy the rest of the mech suits before everyone has a chance to grab one.

*May use large pieces of debris as a weapon while fighting in melee with said mech suits.
**May not use an entire smaller mech suit as a piece of debris.
***Nor may I use one of the tanks I'm currently fighting.
****May not, in fact, use any weapon other than the one attached to the mech suit's arm.
*****No, not even the shoulder-mounted missile launcher. That is for shooting, not for punching.

*When calling for evac, may not neglect to mention the ultra-powerful psychic.
**When her presence is mentioned, should probably suggest a quicker solution than 'call that one group who might be able to get here in a week or two'.
***Although 'nuke it from orbit' might usually be overkill, you probably should stop arguing against your best strategy of surviving the next week.
****May not discuss this plan on an open comms channel.
*****Especially not when the guy who's psychically linked with her is listening in.
******I don't care how much you disliked that guy, it's still technically wrong to leave him behind when you're going to nuke a hundred-mile radius around the evac point.

*May not somehow do the above while being the only party member to take no damage.
***Especially not if I was one of the party members without a mech suit.
****ESPECIALLY not if I was the only party member without a mech suit.

Honestly, I'm genuinely unsure why or how we managed to pull every objective off reasonably successfully, considering how early in the mission everything went wrong. Not that I'm going to complain!

[Rater202]

*I may not devour an entire layer of Hell.

[Anonymouswizard]

*I may not devour an entire layer of Hell.

** Especially without seasoning.

[Lord Torath]

* I may not "out-stealth" the Tyranid Lictor.
** Disemboweling it with my chainsword after it flubbs its climb check and lands in a heap on the floor is just rude.

[Telok]

* I may no longer role play greater daemons as people who have personalities, goals, lives, and interests outside of combat.

** No more having the greater daemon carve sanity destroying and warp effect producing erotic poetry about god-horrors from the time before time, into a character's back while they are unconsious.

*** Not even when the other characters traded half an hour with the knocked out sorcerer to the daemon for free passage.

* May no longer have unmarked 55 gallon drums of red fuming nitric acid and hexaflourine in the pirate hideout.

** May no longer have MSDS sheets at the gaming table.

[LordCdrMilitant]

* I may not "out-stealth" the Tyranid Lictor.
** Disemboweling it with my chainsword after it flubbs its climb check and lands in a heap on the floor is just rude.

If you got one, there's two more right behind you!

My deathwatch party once had to fight a Deathleaper, and my DH party once had to fight a Lictor section.

The Lictor section encounter was funny: they were out hunting a Hive Tyrant in a jungle [with a mustachioed englishman of an Ordo Xenos Inquisitor they were helping out for the day], but the lictors were hunting them. One was in the trees on the left of the party, one was on the ground to the right, and one was on the ground behind them. Various checks and searches turned up rustling leaves and small glimpses of them, but never more than one at once. Nobody wanted to be at the back of the column. Eventually, they caught and killed one of them when a suppression burst kneecapped it, and celebrated. Then the bushes moved again.

The Deathleaper was pretty great too. The deathwatch party was deployed to capture a Deathleaper example that was believed to be assassinating the officers on a planet where the Imperial Guard were holding a shrinking perimeter and trying to conduct and orderly evacuation. They did a bunch of stuff there, to help out the Imperial Guard, including rescuing a Shadowsword encircled on a hilltop and bringing it back to friendly lines, and bringing down a Scythed Heirodule. They were engaged by the Deathleaper several times during their mission, the first times managing to escape the ambush, but the last time standing and fighting to bring it down with liberal use of frag grenades, demolition charges, and flamer weapons. They couldn't see it, but if it attacked they had a general idea of where it might be, so they carpeted the area with explosions to use up it's reactions, set it on fire, and then once they knew where it was, have their assault marines bring it down. Following the battle, the Techmarine attempted to retrofit it with storm bolter and a MIU control chip and use it as a murder-servitor, which is scientifically known as a "bad idea" [it later escaped on their watch station]


Lictors are great. So are genestealers. My party loves is terrified of both.

[Lord Torath]

My Assault Marine had requisitioned a Diagnoster Helmet for the Preysense sights (+20 to perception/awareness in the dark). Once we knew there was a lictor in the facility (and we knew what it was going for), we cut the lights, my marine activated his stummers, and he raced to the objective, while the lictor was still crawling through the ducts. I got there first, crouched down in a corner with easy access to the target, activated my auspex (+20 to awareness/preception), and settled down to wait. The lictor crept down from the ceiling, and then flubbed his climb check, crashing to the floor. I jump-charged in with surprise, and then won initiative in the next round, leaving the thing bleeding out and holding its guts in with one claw. I dragged the entire thing back to the Thunderhawk as a trophy/specimen. Good times!

[Socksy]

* Yes, Khorne is the god of Blood. No, that does not also make him the god of Genealogy.

[JAL_1138]

*Still may not play an Aarakocra bard with the Charlatan background: Flibbertigibbet Flycatcher, the fabulous fair-feathered flying flim-flam flugelhornist.

[jintoya]

* high yield homemade explosives are not a melee weapon

* Jumping off the roof and landing on a foe does require an attack role
** You do not get to use the rules on falling debris, even if you are a warforged
*** you cannot conspire with the spellcasters to abuse enlarge person for special "meteor strike" moves

Edit: (this one was recent)
* You cannot impersonate god for personal gain and expect no alignment shift

[noob]

* high yield homemade explosives are not a melee weapon

* Jumping off the roof and landing on a foe does require an attack role
** You do not get to use the rules on falling debris, even if you are a warforged
*** you cannot conspire with the spellcasters to abuse enlarge person for special "meteor strike" moves

Edit: (this one was recent)
* You cannot impersonate god for personal gain and expect no alignment shift

**In the forgotten realms that alignment shift is not toward good even if utilitarian morality indicates that by undermining the influence of evil creatures (all the gods in forgotten realms) like that would result in overall positive long term consequences and this without harming people (only harming their ability to believe without strong proof in the presence of their god).
***no matter if it results in a better world without harming anyone it is still going to push your alignment toward chaos and not good.