Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

[KorvinStarmast]

Did anyone suggest Greg?

No, because that's a terrible name for a ship, and a worse name for a vampire whose actual name is Durkula.
(Pastor Expiration was an inspired suggestion, however)

Updated for last night's madness:

NPC: Here {pulls something from the chest of a dead enemy} - this may be what you are looking for.
Paladin: That looks like the other gem that the Wizard of Wine asked us to find.
Warlock: Hey bard, I've got a new song for you.
Bard: OK...
Warlock (sings): "Like a wine stone cowboy, riding in a hearse -"
Bard: You are muted!

[dysike]

"No, no-one else brought chickens on this fantasy adventure"

[KorvinStarmast]

My trolls are all the wrong size!

--------------------

Bard: Stupid, but strong.
Rogue: You talking about the trolls, or the dwarf cleric?

-----------------------------

Captain: Uhura's phasers are always set to stun.

----------------------------

Monk: "I will try to remove the corrupted shard from the tree."
DM: "Describe how you will do that.
Fighter: "Is it like squeezing a zit?"
Monk: "Yes, it's like squeezing a zit."
Fighter: "I'll help"
Warmage: "I'll duck" *puts cloak over head*
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Update for recent BitD session:

Slide: We know it's your brother who wants the shipment delivered at the docks, and we'd like you to help us intercept it first.
NPC: What's in it for me?
Slide: First tell me the ship's name
Leech: I facepalm so hard that I take Stress, which should help him with the Sway roll that about to happen here ...
Slide: {rolls 2, 4, 6} ... yeah! Now tell me the name of the ship, bud!
Leech: {In Alec Guinness voice} What have I done? I have become an enabler!

[DigoDragon]

Jennah: "My goal is to slay my sire."
Sylvie: "Yeah? And how's mom doing?"
Jennah: "I never knew my mother."
Sparks: "I know how this quest is gonna end. I'll get the spork."

Sparks: "Three hags is a coven. Four to six is a Home Owners Association."

Jennah: "I am the result of Hubris and Brutality."
Beau: "Your parents have very unfortunate names."

Mule: "This smells like terrible. Let's go!"
Sparks: "Neigh."

Sylvie: "It's Freddy Orcury!

GM: "You sense that the orc is trying to goad you into a fight."
Sparks: "Well it's a good thing that I'm a moron."

GM: "Oh my gods, I wanna buy the goat dinner!"

Beau: "Yes! sparks, we did it! ...I think we did it, Sparks get us out of here!"

Sparks: "Can your dagger stop licking the Rakshasa's giant monkey?"

Beau: "From a Potion of Cure Serious Wounds, I rolled a 10."
Sylvie: "So it's the opposite, a Potion of Cure Clown Wounds."

Vampire Lord: "It takes a special something to defy me... I forget the word."
Beau: "Stupidity?"

Vampire Lord: "Little kobold, do you swear to assist me?"
Sparks: "Sure, why the *bleep* not?"

[Telok]

"You can engage with the adventure in good faith or I can pull out 'galactic ass blasters ftom uranus: butt pun hellions'."

"The laser donkeys are fighting a rear guard action against the diseased fire chickens. You aren't sure what side the ufos are on, they seem to be indiscrimantly spraying whipped cream on everything."

[KorvinStarmast]

Monk: The harpy egg is hatching! I want to raise that child.
Fighter: You gonna breast feed that thing?

[DeTess]

explosives expert: Nice, I get to go before those critters so I can try taming one!
explosives expert: Oh, right, I first need to see one explode before I'll know in character that I want one as a pet.
*one volley of attacks by other, quicker, allies later*
explosives expert: Hey, stop killing all the cute ones!

edit: some context:

Spoiler: what everyone else saw

Show

Spoiler: what my character saw

Show

[KorvinStarmast]

GM: coming at you are four vaguely humanoid creatures wearing tattered and ragged federation/starfleet clothing.
Captain: Set phasers to stun!
Security Officer: I shoot one with my phaser.
Captain: I guess we'll only be able to save three.

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Follow Up from last night ...

Sorcerer: I guess combat is no time for a power nap.

[NRSASD]

What's the AC of my brain?

[KorvinStarmast]

Barbarian: being the tank is a tankless job.
Warlock(celestial): I offer a prayer of Tanksgiving...
*rotten fruit is thrown by all others*

==========a bit later==============

I'm not that kind of bard!

[Diachronos]

"Oh, that's right. You've been killed by an explosion, and a pie."

"I don't trust furniture. I have PTSD."

"Sexy door noises"

"Most DMs will disarm you. I'll disleg ya!"

[KorvinStarmast]

Ranger: At this point in the conversation, I take the bow off of my shoulder and shoot him in the face.

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Fighter: Wait, the flaming horse just charged me? Great. I was afraid I'd have to try and chase it down.

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Elf Sorcerer: I'll sit here and trance, nothing will happen for the next four hours, right?

[NRSASD]

Sorcerer who is also a jeweler: "There, wizard, do you think that ring fits right?"
Bard accidentally walks in, unnoticed, sees sorcerer sliding ring onto wizard's finger.
Wizard, happily: "I do!"
Bard flees in tears

Ranger: "Oh this is going to require something more than squirrels."

Bard: *stops scrubbing dishes to mournfully wail* "Wizard and sorcerer got married!" *Puts head in sink and tries to drown*

Paladin, to Wizard: “Wait, practicing magic WASN’T a euphemism for sex!?”
Druid: “Uhhh we gotta go, bye!”

[KorvinStarmast]

NPC: You killed all of my private security guards. Why should I trust you?
Druid: Because we are the good guys.

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[NRSASD]

*intercom sound*
“This is your Admiral speaking. Guess what I’m about to do. It rhymes with puke.”
*intercom sound*
*distant massive explosion*
*emergency lights come on*
Radiological hazard detected! Please proceed to your nearest fallout shelter immediately!

[KorvinStarmast]

Captain: Set phasers to kill
Major Tom Major: That's what I'm talkin' about!

[Xihirli]

I have finally had another session with Sophia, the lycanthrope barbarian. Here are some quotes I know one of you was hoping for.

"What do you know about the lycanthrope orcs in the south?"
I know they're lycanthropes now... and scary... and to the south.

"You can't stay here if there is a chance you'll turn into a wolf a kill me."
"That hasn't stopped you in the past!"

"Geesh, great plan guys... and that's coming from me."

"I can't even roll a die! How do you expect me to catch fish?"

"Look, the birds are chirping, the sun is shining, the breeze is moving the grass, the flowers are blooming, the trees are beautiful. It's so pretty! IT'S TERRIBLE, I HATE IT!"

"They smile, as if they think this is going well."

"Spirit?"
"Okay!" And I take out a javelin

"****! I'm talking to toddlers...
and they're smarter than me!"

"You must re-take Pre-K. You flunked it."

"How do you guys know when my next transformation will be?"
"The full moon."
"What?"
"The... full moon."
"The what?"
"... IN TEN DAYS..."

[KorvinStarmast]

GM: You rolled a 20, that means a complication.
Engineer: that's not good, how deep is the ravine under the bridge?
GM: The survivor you were escorting across the bridge falls into the ravine.
Captain: He should not have worn a red shirt today.

=====================

Major Tom Major rocks!

==============

It's a panther
So don't anther

==========

Commander Uhura called. I'll be in my bunk.

[Amidus Drexel]

DM: "Once they hit -10, all you can do is check their pockets for loose change."
Cleric: "If Dave dies, he would want us to loot his corpse."

Fighter: "We killed him in self defense before he could wake up and attack us."

Sorcerer: "Summoning a demon? Okay with me. Not an hourglass, though. I have vibe-checked it and found it wanting."

DM: "This is god's weakest soldier, and he's asking for the easiest battles."

Cleric: "Capitalism will protect me from physics!"
Fighter: "Just ask Stockton Rush, formerly of OceanGate!"

Sorcerer: "I am here to mess with **** and simp."

Cleric: "You be talking mad **** for someone in prayer distance."

[Slipjig]

P1: Who are you?
VOICE IN HER HEAD: I'm your intuition.
P1: That seems unlikely, because my ACTUAL intuition is telling me not to trust you.

"How is the PALADIN the Chaos Muppet in this party?!?"

P2: Do you really think that's a good idea?
P3: Of course! You're a Bard, if the universe drops an obviously magical instrument into your path, you can't NOT play it! That would be like not pressing the big red "DO NOT PRESS" button!
-a few awful minutes later-
P3: Why do I listen to you?!?
P2: Flee the scene first! Recriminations later!

[Lord Torath]

Air Cleric: "Ooops."

[NRSASD]

Paladin: "Just to take the edge off your bluntness."

DM: "You take five points of necrotic damage. TO YOUR EYEBALL."
Ranger: "There goes the croissant!"

[KorvinStarmast]

Sorcerer: Did we take a long rest?
Ranger: No, we took a short rest.
Sorcerer: OK, so I took a long rest because I tranced.
Ranger: Your trance was interrupted by troglodytes.
Sorcerer: I still took a long rest; you short rest is four hours, right?
Ranger: No, it's one hour. At level 11 I'd have thought you'd grasp this by now.
Heard muttered in dwarfish: "Who decided to let an eladrin flake into the party, anyway?"

[Telok]

"So there's actual rules for therapy and regaining sanity. I'll let the demon have a moment of rationality for talking if you can get a quick success there. The first target number is eightly minus the current insanity points of the subject, but I don't do negative tns so that's zero. The next roll is against the insanity points, so that's a hundred, but extra successes from the first check carry over. Now, what's you social stats and skills?" "Never mind."

"The chase rules give you a bonus to running away rolls if you failed a fear check" "And one of the lines on that table is fainting for a d5 rounds. No thanks."

"We have all our arms and legs, and we aren't in the hospital for weeks. This trip was a success." "And I'm adding the insane murder demon to the random encounter table." "I didn't say it was an unqualified success."

[Persolus]

Tiefling Artificier You can't do that, that's cannibalism!
Elven Artificier No, it's piratism

[KorvinStarmast]

Voice heard in the middle of combat:" If you can't make your spells work, what good are you, bitch?"

================

DM: He breaks the steering board on your head.
Monk:This is just like martial arts practice back at the monastery

========================

Druid: "Hey look, I made the roll: the longship capsizes!"
{General hilarity ensues}

======================

[DigoDragon]

Here are some quotes I know one of you was hoping for.

Mwahaha, excellent. The last one had me grinning silly.


Jennah: "Do you have a backstory?"
Sparks: "Both his parents didn't show up to his birth."

GM: "You have fifty +1 bolts."
Beau: "I have 51 bolts, got it."

Lily: "The door opens with Scooby snacks."

Sparks: "The baby was taken by a trio of hags."
Jerry: "I rather not talk about the underbelly of my father's side of the family."

Sparks: "Just for the record, I didn't know that bats could play charades."

Jerry: "Ehlonna runs the CIA?"

Jerry: "Love is like a river. Some people prefer to damn it up, but others will sail it freely."
Sparks: "I'm just hanging on to a log floating down that river as flotsam."
Jerry: "You don't know how accurate a metaphor that is."

Bronze dragon: "That blue half dragon of yours is an abomination."
Sparks: "Hey! Hey! Jennah is my friend."
Beau: "And a potential love interest when you finally polymorph into something with nerves."

Bronze dragon: "Did you not hear the story of the wizard who was more ambitious than wise?"
Lily: "That describes all wizards."
Sparks: "Fair cop."

[KorvinStarmast]

Number 1There are four more bunks, and four in the crew. Select your bunks.
Security Officer: What about the medic assigned to us by Starfleet, Doc Ronson?
Captain: He can sleep in sick bay.
Int Officer: I'll be happy to hot bunk with him.
Science Officer: Sleeping with someone isn't what hot bunking means.
Captain: *mutters* give me strength ...

[NRSASD]

Artillery expert: Good thing I bombed that orphanage, those children could have been hurt!

[DigoDragon]

Took a break from D&D and played Mice and Mystics today.

Tilda: "Can I pull the rat's tail out of the water?"
Filch: "Can the rat that owns the tail still be attached to it when you do?"

Nez: "Me and my hammer are gonna have a talk after this fight."
Maginos: "Well that conversation is gonna be one-sided. "

Filch: "You can take this cheese when you pry it from my cold dead paws!"