Funny D&D Stories

[Gettles]

the only thing that came to mind when i read this was

"Hi! I'm Crazy Eddie! I put babies on spikes. Do you want a rack of babies? We've got babies on racks! Mmm, they taste of chicken!"

Eddie Izzard?

[Karoht]

Crazy Gustav's Sword Emporium.
"I will Club a Seal to get YOU a Better Deal!"
Still trying to work out how clubbing a seal equals a cheaper sword. Especially since I actually couldn't find Seals anywhere in the campaign world.
And Crazy Gustav has had a few different itterations in my play groups. In a steampunk campaign he was an Airship Dealer. In a modern he was an army surplus store owner. In an epic campaign he was a major planer being. And yet every itteration somehow has this facination with clubbing seals. I have yet to figure out how this started, or why.

[Naeo]

Eddie Izzard?

yeah, from his dressed to kill special

[The Glyphstone]

Crazy Gustav's Sword Emporium.
"I will Club a Seal to get YOU a Better Deal!"
Still trying to work out how clubbing a seal equals a cheaper sword. Especially since I actually couldn't find Seals anywhere in the campaign world.
And Crazy Gustav has had a few different itterations in my play groups. In a steampunk campaign he was an Airship Dealer. In a modern he was an army surplus store owner. In an epic campaign he was a major planer being. And yet every itteration somehow has this facination with clubbing seals. I have yet to figure out how this started, or why.

your DM might be a fan of Weird Al and Al's movie UHF. See "Crazy Ernie's Car Emporium' here.

[Necroticplague]

Once upon a time, I had a group go on a classic "crawl dungeon, kill evil dude" one-off adventure. The main thing was character creation, with some hard peremiters for a 9-person group.

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The conditions were as followed:
1.Free +3 of LA
2.Each person must end up with a different combination of type and subtype.
3.No two people could have the same alignment.

To this end, I ened up with a rogue character with the spellwarped template, neutral evil. The "end boss" was a epic lich. Since the rogue would be useless in the fight, I decided to set an example by having the lich cast balefire first round on the rogue. The rogue made a nat 20 on his saving throw (and had the Residual Rebound feat). He reflected the Balefire back to the lich who was killed instantly (the rogue also died along with the lich, since both of them had <80 HD). In the light of this, it was an anti-climatic end to what was supposed to be an epic battle.

[pwykersotz]

GM: You pull yourself up from the ledge and find yourself face to face with a terrible Beholder!
Me: I close my eyes!
Party: Falls down laughing.

It was my first encounter with one, and all I had heard about were it's terrible gaze attacks. Standard Bugblatter Beast of Traal defense...I had blindfight and if it couldn't look me in the eyes it couldn't attack...right?

[Rihar33]

My spell thief was in the underdark when our group came upon a gnome city. in the town we noticed that the gnomes were acting weird (unbeknown to us they they were hive minded by an artifact) while questioning the cheif cleric of the church the group got frustrated with the lack of answers and left my spellthief, a 3.5 tiefling [NE], had a charm stored in her spellthief dagger. and when the group left the room she casted the charm on the cleric and perfect 20 roll and a failed save from the dm later she had the entire town charmed to her.

After a few choice words she got the to take her and the group to the room with the artifact but before they all went in she turn to the group of gnomes now numbering 200 and ordered them to declare that she was thier master. which prompted a saving roll by the DM causing all the gnome to break free and attack her.

[Karoht]

Leadership is a fun feat. Lots of Shenanigans. And the source of many an amusing tale.

In one campaign, a Bard by the name of Arturius used his Leadership skills and his acquesition of an entire kingdom to achieve Deity/King status. Also, he pulled a sword out of a stone, mostly for good measure.

[Enterti]

"We do not dine on swine or bovine; for us there is only one meat, so tender and sweet; what we need-us is some delicious fetus."

Can I sig this please?

[Meirnon]

Can I sig this please?

Lulz, of course.

[byers2142]

My face to face group has a serious problem with names. We can't remember them. Ever. We know exactly why we hate the NPCs we do, love the ones that we do, and ignore the rest, but names elude us. For example, we were playing an Eberron campaign and we take over a pirate ship, which we then fill with pirates and send out to make us money. The first two pirates we recruit are a dragonborn we put in charge of the ship and a generic human rogue. The dragonborn we call Acting Captain, and the rogue I happily nicknamed Bloody Vicious Pirate, or BVP for short. Note that both ended up being important in the campaign, had great backstory and even were called friends by us. But we never, ever learned their names.

In the same campaign, we ended up captured by warforged minions of the main warforged leader, the Lord of Blades or some such. Again, he's a major player in the world, but I can't remember if Lord of Blades is accurate or not. Anyway, we meet several warforged in the adventure and learn their names. Which we then forget. So in our escape, when faced with these named and important warforged, who'd we had a blast RPing with, we had to make up our own names to call out our targets. So was born the epic fight against Doctor Doom (his mini had a green cloak), The Cylon Looking One (Cylon to his friends and us), and Forest Whitaker (so named because he was not black, not physically imposing, and not emotionally convincing). Our DMs words once we had renamed his decently developed characters? "I really, really hate you guys."

In our current campaign, we're fighting an elven king of frost we've been calling Snow Miser, dealing with two liches helpfully referred to as Lich A and Lich B, and undermining an elf-first group who has a very pretty name but we call Those Jerks. This after our DM went to the trouble to spell out the group's name for us and we wrote it down.

Of course, I'll be DMing a new campaign for the group shortly, and I just know the names are coming.

[SilverLeaf167]

The party sees a construct for the first time. The construct in question is a harmless chef who only wants to cook a nice dinner for them. For some reason, the Psion has this conversation with the construct:

Psion: Are you a zarbfast?
Chef: What izt a zarbfazt?
Psion: You.
Chef: No, I'm not a zarbfazt.
Psion: Aha! You said you're not a zarbfast, but a zarbfast is you, which means you are not you!
Chef: -bzzt- loGIc eRRorr -bzzzzt- -head explodes-

It was funny enough that I let it pass. The construct was just comic relief anyway :P
It got even funnier when the Favored Soul, not realizing that the little man was a construct, desperately tried to heal it and read a prayer for its "soul" after finally realizing that his new friend was dead.

[One Tin Soldier]

So I'm playing a cleric of Pelor in our D&D game. It was our first session, and we had just retrieved a scroll from the mostly-abandoned hideout of some followers of Nerhul. (Incidently, our psion had to lure the party paladin out of the room first with a reference to The Gamers 2, since the paladin was determined not to let us "steal" the scroll.) The scroll was written in Infernal, so we had to find a way to translate it.
We went back to town, and the psion and I went to the apparently well-stocked library to find a way to decipher it. We commenced with our Search checks, which I did miserably on. Repeatedly. The DM decided that every time I failed a search check, what I found was a book on Pelor. This must have happened some 4 or 5 times, including the time I was searching for where the psion went to.
It has since become a running gag in our game that whenever I fail a search/spot check, all I find is something Pelor-related.

edit (remembered another story):
(Spoilered due to excessive length. But it's funny.)

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This one is also from that same d&d game, a couple sessions later.
Our party (consisting of me, the elven psion, the LS paladin, and a mildly insane fighter) had just delivered a letter to the leader of a town in the neighboring country. Unbeknownst to us, the letter was rather demanding and aggressive, basically threatening that we would attack them if they didn't comply. So in the middle of the night, the guards swarm our quarters and throw us in jail. We tried to tell them that we knew nothing of it, but they obviously didn't believe us. In the commotion, the psion slipped out the window, giving the guards a slip by casting Wall Walk and walking up to the roof. After allowing things to cool down a bit, she snuck back in to the town hall (where they had lodged us) and headed toward the basement, thinking that was where we were being held. After some complex methods of getting through a locked door undetected, she found a broom closet. She took a broom and left. At this point, the session ended.

At the start of the next session, she proceeded to find out where exactly the prison was. With some more application of Wall Walk and unsecured 2nd-floor windows, she made it in. She had no trouble finding out where our cell was, thanks to our fighter's incessant shouting about how it was "dishonorable" to be held in prison. She found that in the hallway we were in, there were two quards hanging around. Then she started fiddling around with her clothing, the idea being to "slutty herself up." She then approached the geekiest-looking guard there, saying "Hi! I'm the new maid!"

With some help of Psionic Suggestion, she got them to believe her, then had one of the guards go off to the bathroom. She then took the other guard to an abandoned room and proceeded to make out with him, depriving him of his keys as she did so.

Now in possession of the keys to our cell, she proceeded with her "maid work." She got to our cell, to find another guard in there, with us behind bars. She gave the same maid story to this guard, and began sweeping around the room, having noticed a chest with our gear in it. She pretended to sweep off the chest, while attempting to open it with the keys. The guard grew suspicious, and peeked around to look. She just lowered her shirt a little bit more, thus providing a distraction. (Meanwhile, we kept the none-too-smart fighter from blowing our cover by telling him that some of his hated enemies, the orcs, were outside.) After sitting on this chest, and letting the guard admire her own chest some more, she gets the lock off behind her back. Needing to get the guard out of the room, she spring another Psionic Suggestion, saying "You guys don't get bathroom breaks very often, do you?"

Having successfully gotten the guard out of the room and locking it behind him, she turned to break us out of our cells. The fighter eagerly runs out, and begins putting on his equipment. I go out and retrieve my holy symbol, so I can cast if need be. The paladin says, "Break out of jail? Are you kidding me?"
I then attempt to convince the paladin to stop being Lawful Stupid, and the DM has us roll diplomacy checks. The paladin winds up convincing me to stay with him in the cell.

Around this time, the locked door is noticed, and the guards start breaking their way in. The psion, unwilling to get thrown in with us, decides to resume her act, cowering in the corner away from the big scary fighter.
The guards break in, force the fighter back in to the cell, and the psion gets away unhindered.

The next bit is the funniest. We got summoned back to the mayor, and after chastising us for the fighter's escape attempt, apologized for his guards not believing the word of a PALADIN, and sent us on our way.
This is what the DM had been planning from the start of the session. All the psion's antics to break us out had been completely pointless.

[Gnoman]

New player was joining my mercenaries campaign, and went on his first mission. The vampire wizard robbing the museum managed to surprise them. In the surprise round, he cast an area-effect save-or-die spell.


New guy rolled a natural 1 on his save.

[Andre Fairchilde]

My buddy ran a GURPS Cyberpunk campaign - brutal campaign - back in the 90's.

Twice - players spent hours creating a character, only to have them killed literally (game) seconds after joining the game.

The first one insulted a character while in a bar - called her a harlot. She shot him in the eye, and he died. Time for a new character.

Another guy joined a game, a newer player, he too was in another bar and randomly shot a netrunner. The bouncer immediately drew down on him and aimed for three rounds (bonus to hit), while we... um... urged him to go for it saying he could take the bouncer out too...

The bouncer shot him in the eye. Time for a new character.

[Keinnicht]

I posted this in another thread because I couldn't find this one. As such, I will now post it here and hope my thread dies.


I'm DMing. The party just got into town. The druid has never played before, he's fifth level.

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Me: You arrive in town.
Druid: I'm going to go look for some hookers. Are there hookers?
Me: Yeah.
Druid: Really?
Me: Yes, I mean...This game is at least mildly rooted in real life. I'm pretty sure prostitution is not a recent development.
Druid: Okay, I'm going to go hire three hookers. Do I need to roll anything?
Me: No, dear god no. Anyways, barbarian guy, what are you doing while he's hiring hookers?
Druid: Okay. So I'm having sex with the hookers? I wild shape into a bear.
Me & Everyone else in the room:

Actually, this guy has numerous excellent stories involving his first session.

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Druid: Okay, I'm going to go to the bar to get drunk.
Me: Alright.
Druid: Oh, wait, I just forgot I'm a bear. I guess I can't go in.
Party Sorcerer: It's cool, I'll bluff him. We walk in.
Me: The barkeeper says "Oh god! Why is there a bear in here?"
Sorcerer: I say "There isn't a bear in here. That is not a bear. That is a human being." *Gets like a 30 on bluff check*
Me: *Barkeeper gets like a 7 on sense motive check* The barkeeper says alright.
Druid: I'm going to kill the barkeeper. And steal some kegs and put them in my bag of holding.

Then there was some extreme violence, the wholesale slaughter of most of the town guard, and a bear sitting in the middle of the street, drinking a keg of ale with the top pulled off.

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DM: *Has NPC that appeared "from the future" give us an incredibly lame plot hook about an evil, fire-breathing horse that will make everyone's lives miserable in the future. He then realizes the party is evil, and changes it to making everyone's lives enjoyable in the future.
Me: Yeah...I'm going to hand him a business contract.
DM: Okay, he kind of pretends to read it.
Me: Wait, so is he pretending to read it or reading it?
DM: Pretending.
Me: Well, can you really pretend to read something that short without reading it? It's only a sentence long.
DM: What's it say?
Me: "I prepared explosive runes this morning."
DM: Does it...
Me: Yes. *Crosses explosive runes off prepared spell list.*
DM: Okay, it blows his hand off. He's screaming in agony.
Rogue: I sneak attack him.
DM: Okay. He's dead.
Rogue: Wait, did we find out where that horse was before we killed him?
Me: No.
Cleric: I have speak with dead prepared. I'll cast it.
DM: Okay, he's really mad at you for killing him.
Cleric: I tell him to get over it and ask for more information on the horse.
Me: Tell him he's stupid and an ugly loser.
Cleric: Yeah, I tell him that too.

...Yeah.

[Burnheart]

Keinnicht those were great, i have just started DMing this week, nothing funny yet but maybe i will have some stories later.

[DisgruntledDM]

Excellent, Kennicht. I game with a guy like that.

I'm starting an L5R campaign soon some I'm sure there'll be some samurai lulz, which will probably end with someone being forced to commit seppuku. Here's one possible scenario:

GM: The Emerald Champion congratulates you for a job well done.
Player: I fart real loud!
GM: Are you sure? This is the Emerald Champion, one of the most important, powerful people in the empire!
Player: Yeah, I wanna fart on him!
GM: *Sigh* alright. Roll a willpower save.
Player: What for?
GM: Just roll it!
Player: *Rolls* I got a five...
GM: Here's what happens: you think it's a fart, but it's not. You feel something sliding down your leg. The Emerald Champion gets a look on his face like a wet dog just walked under his nose, and when he realizes what just happened, he orders you to change your hakama. And then commit seppuku.

[Keinnicht]

Excellent, Kennicht. I game with a guy like that.

I'm starting an L5R campaign soon some I'm sure there'll be some samurai lulz, which will probably end with someone being forced to commit seppuku. Here's one possible scenario:

GM: The Emerald Champion congratulates you for a job well done.
Player: I fart real loud!
GM: Are you sure? This is the Emerald Champion, one of the most important, powerful people in the empire!
Player: Yeah, I wanna fart on him!
GM: *Sigh* alright. Roll a willpower save.
Player: What for?
GM: Just roll it!
Player: *Rolls* I got a five...
GM: Here's what happens: you think it's a fart, but it's not. You feel something sliding down your leg. The Emerald Champion gets a look on his face like a wet dog just walked under his nose, and when he realizes what just happened, he orders you to change your hakama. And then commit seppuku.

Speaking of farts, I should probably mentioned that the aforementioned druid, when wild-shaped into a bear, regularly kicks off combat by...ahem, defecating on his opponents.

I ruled it as a fortitude save or become sickened. I think this is the only way to handle that.

[DisgruntledDM]

In a game of Everyone is John, someone did something like that. Only to a Beiber cardboard cutout...while a bunch of fangirls were trying to take pictures with it.

We had to stop for a few seconds for everyone to quit laughing.

[Karoht]

Hokay, story from a friends campaign.
Fighter with Crossbow
Illusionist
Some other not important hangers on.

The party was sent up to the top of this mountain, and at the top was a pond. The Fighter decided to pee in the pond. In said pond was a dinosaur (I forget the name, but think Loch Ness Monster), and promptly swallowed him whole.
The Illusionist gets their just in time as the rest of the party is about to carve open the dinosaur (which would have killed the Fighter) and uses a Ring of Animal Friendship on the creature. It fails the will save. The Illusionist orders the Dinosaur to vomit the Figher back up.
He comes out with exactly neg 1 hit point.
Cleric: I cast X on him to heal him.
Illusionist: I cast Y on him to clean the dino-vomit off of him.
Fighter: *OOC* Turns to the Cleric, shrugs, turns to the Illusionist** THANK YOU!

Yeah apparently he was more happy about being clean than being alive.

[Yukitsu]

Me: Yes, you realize that it's pressure, and not the steam itself that powers your inventions.
Player 1: Eureka!
Me: You feel like you want to run through the streets naked, but as you're surrounded by zombies, that seems like an ill advised strategy.
Player 1: It might be worth it anyway, since running from the zombies was our plan to begin with. And this way my clothes won't snag.

Player 2: I'm going to loot the mansion.
Me: You're going to be a thief in a horror campaign, robbing the haunted house? What are you going to do next? Have sex with someone? You're already seperated from the party. OK, I'll get to you once I've written something up.
Player 2: I'll be good.
Me: Panzy.

Player 1: "If the constable is outside the door or has gone missing, I must see to it that he's alright. But if that is not in fact the constable, you know what you must do."
Player 3: *nods head, draws a blade*
Me: The thumping on the door stops as you talk. You slowly open the door and peer outside. The carpet has been stained with the blood and viscera of an unseen casualty, and you can see the tip of a large bladed weapon just as it disappears round a corner down the hall.
Player 1: "On second thought, I think I'm just going to go to sleep now." *Jams chair under the door.*

[Dziadek]

Standard all-fight-no-talking dungeon crawl.
After rounding a corner, our party got ambushed by dozen of orcs and some kind of a powerfull giant- an encounter of a level that put our lives to a great risk.

Our party's druid won initiative and started desperately planning his move to maximize the damage made to the enemy. None of his ideas were promising.

I proposed the player controlling the druid, to cast "Stone Shape" spell on the ceiling above the giant, hoping it will fall on him.

Our Dungeon Master was agog.

By pure coincidence, the spot on the ceiling under which the giant stood, had a 10th-level trap installed... a trap that made ceiling fall on any unwanted intruder (but didn't activate so far because of the presence of the residents)

The "Stone Shape" spell activated the trap and turned the giant into a bloody mess...

Remaining orcs weren't any real challenge to us.

[Theshade]

I've got one for you
***********Mildly Explicit**********
I was dming a game for a couple of my friends second session in the storyline. My friend (1/2demon wiz w/ disquise self on.) myself and another of my friends enter a tavern. Prostitute comes up and offers services to wiz. He agrees and proptly takes out his coinpurse and tosses her a pp tells her to make it worth his while (Accidentally showing a purse full of pp and gp). The walk back out the door into alleyway beside tavern and have their fun. Wen done she reaches out an cuts the strings tieing the purse to his belt and starts to run. He catches up and attacks w/claws. Disguise seld fails. She screams and stabs at him with the knife. Scores a critical. Plunges knife into kidneys. She's then proptly turned Into a big bloody mess. Hides body under a spell of invisability then draggs it behind a pile of trash. Blood still visable. Blood trail followed by new person in group (assasin) wiz still bleeding in tavern w/ party. Assasin joins party. Attacked by town gaurds. Killed them. Then procceded to raze the town with conjured fireball spell and scorching rays. Killed all survivors as they flee the town. Evil campaign in case u haven't figured it out yet.

[Theshade]

Evil demon prince god thing enters cabin.
Fighter/cleric begins to betray his party and godess out of sheer stupidity.
Other cleric casts command: silence
fighter continues to "charades" his way into helping demon.
Cleric casts command: masturbate.
Fighter is both very happy and unhappy all at once.
Uncontrolable laughter insues.

[DLLLM2]

One quest we did do made me chuckle

it was me playing as a dragonfolk fighter (Tau) and my friend the human monk (Zylarin), we had just broken through a swarm of undead and were facing down the main bad guy Malazar . The first thing that happened was this

DM: Malazar stands before you on the cliff over the core of the island, the lava's heat rising up and filling the room, in his hand he holds a strange glowing orb as he smirks at you
Malazar: "So..You caught up to me"
Zylarin:"That orb in your hand, where is it?!"

-Cue a pause before about 10 odd mins of laughing at the mistake-

Malazar: "Oh this?...why don't you come and get it?"
Zylarin: "I warn you I'll kick you into the lava!"
Malazar: "Go on then, I dare you"
Tau: -sensing something is wrong- "Don't kick him into the lava...what ever you do, don't kick him in its what he wants"
Malazar: "Oh go on you know you want to"
Zylarin: "just give me the orb or we will all get killed by the undead

-We had 5 turns till the room would swarm with the undead-

Malazar:"What are you a coward?"

-This exchange goes on between them for 4 rounds with me trying to calm the monk and negotiate a way out of the situation-

Zylarin: "ENOUGH OF THIS!" I kick him off the cliff!
Tau: NO!!!!!

DM: Malazar falls into the lava laughing as the orb begins to react with said laval and encases his body in a white glow, he suddenly rises up in a swirling vortex of lava and energy, his body glowing brightly as his laugh echos around the room, opening a portal he leaves the area as the undead approach

Tau:"......you ****ing retard"
Zylarin: -Shrugs-

We got rescued in the end by a bunch of lizardfolk (we were in a lizardfolk land) and they saw the assention of Malazar, Tak (DM) the leader isn't happy

Tak: "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!"
Tau: "You've doomed us!"

What my friend respodned just made me laugh as he was then thrown into the lava by a pissed off Tak

Zylarin: "**** happens"

The quest ended there for the evening as we couldn't stop laughing.

[begooler]

first session of a campaign with some level 1 characters,

Goblins on a roof are shooting at us. I climb on the enlarged cleric's shoulders and he throws me / I jump on the roof. I proceed to trip one goblin, throwing him off the roof to be hacked to bits by my friends, meanwhile I kill the other goblin when it provokes an attack from me before my next turn.
I then take a bow and a curtsy and what not, hop down from the roof, fail the tumble and land at -1 at the party's feet.

[Grogmir]

I'm the DM, one in my party is playing a proper goody two shoes character for the first time. He's BiPolar so preferences 'Darker' characters. But its creating a lot of fun moments.

Recently they arrived in a new town under army occupation. Arriving late at the Magistrates 'open day', they determined to see him that night.
So they started trying to get the other 'suplicants' to go home.
Rather than Bluff or intimidate. Lucy gives an old couple loads of gold. they then goes running off. Much to the mirth of the other party members as Lucy gives away more of her gold.

Later, as this was the first chance to go shopping, they decided to split up the party loot. The loot Lucy 'the trustworthy one' was carrying. The loot lucy had forgotten was party loot. The loot that was given away!

The next day, its the morning and their just doing whatever. Lucy as always offers to help the local chef, in this case the Inn Keeper with the morning cooking. I always make a 'cooking' roll and Lucy always rolls critical pie and yep again. Nat 20 comes up! Grrr says I. This campaign will becalled 'Critical Pie and Sadness Tizer' Whatever the 'eck I throw at you!
But how to rule this? Quickly the towns people spread the news of these myjestic Pie's and I give a bonus to Diplomacy while in the town that day thinking it would be good for any information checks or haggling they want to do.

Oh no. They had other ideas. Rather than go out and around town for gather information. They were going to hold a Tavern quiz. With the Pies as the Prize. Yeah - thats was quite a funny half an hour!

'now for the final questions.... please tell us the locations of Queen Allidia's elite guard'

[Karoht]

Critical Pie. Noice!

Mental note-My next hireling I ever hire needs to be a baker. Buttering up the mark with baked goods sounds remarkably effective for the times where Diplomacy will work, and poisoning with delicious baked goods for times when it won't.

And every DnD campaign needs a bar fight. But I think I'm going to have to escalate that to a pie fight at some point. Complete with goofy music. Yakety Sax anyone?

[begooler]

So, I was playing with some of my friends, as a halfling ranger. (Don't ask me how. I swear I started as an Elf.) We get into a dungeon, and our Drow Fighter, the idiot, destroys the only light source, thinking it was magic or something. So we're standing there in the dark, and then our Dwarven bard (who I've never liked, and doesn't really like me) looks at me thoughtfully and says slowely, "Hobbits have hairy legs, right?"

So they pin me down, cut off my leg, light it on fire and use it as a torch. From that day on, I was known as Hoppy the Halfling.

Wait, don't drow have dancing lights or something like that as a racial spell like ability?