Funny D&D Stories

[Dennisfantasy40]

Last night was the first session in a new campaign for our group. There's four of us:
A human wizard female who happens to be a princess out to find magical items and power to gain the strength to save her kingdom.
A human fighter based on Leonidas from 300 with a roman type helmet, pike and bearskin cloak who's honor bound to be the wizard's bodyguard.
Myself, an elf thief with a certain notoriety in our starting town.
A halfling thief who's my character's apprentice.

The campaign starts with the wizard and fighter coming into town and my apprentice and I immediately make their acquaintance, hoping to rob them blind because they stick out like a sore thumb. While arranging to meet them later at the Inn to discuss showing them around town, the halfling steals the wizard's coin purse leaving only 1 gold between the wizard and fighter.

As we're going our separate ways for the afternoon I challenge the halfling to take a crap in the fighter's helmet later and if he succeeds then he can keep all the gold in the coin purse.

Later I've arranged for a large meal and a suite at the Inn for the wizard and fighter in order to give us a chance to rob them and hopefully give my apprentice the chance to win the bet. We eventually sneak up to the suite and I pick the lock to the door. Although opening it knocked a shield placed by the door over, neither the wizard or fighter woke up. The sound does convince the halfling to run like hell to our safe house.

Not being deterred I go into the room and decide to crap in the helmet myself before stealing the expensive looking shield that fell. Sure enough the sound of me taking a crap was able to wake up the fighter who was within reach of me.

After being punched in the face by the fighter my response before running like hell was "Shouldn't you be wearing your helmet?" I wasn't able to get far considering my pants were around my knees and eventually the fighter, who happens to sleep naked, charged in front of me in an attempt to tackle that missed and forced me to double back. I dove through the window on this second story suite failing my tumble check and taking more damage. The fighter grabbed his pike, dove after me and rolled a nat 20 landing perfectliy on his feet.

After getting spells tossed at me by the now awake wizard and running another turn, the fighter trips me with his pike and knocks me out. Our first session ended with myself being arrested for being a thief and the fighter being arrested for public nudity.

[Lioness]

This didn't quite happen in a D&D game, but is funny nonetheless

Today at lunchtime a whole group of us were sitting around a table (Three of us D&Ders, the others most emphatically not). One of the non D&Ders yells out 'What do you do when a random monster attacks you!?' and one of the D&D players screams 'ROLL FOR INITIATIVE!'

bahahaha.

[Pyrian]

Indeed!

[MachineWraith]

Hello, new poster here :)

My first D&D campaign ever was 3.5E, and wasn't really much of a campaign, it was just my buddy throwing a bunch of monsters at the party so we could all the get the hang of how to play. You see, the DM had never DM'ed before, and was just doing it to teach us how to play.

The party consisted of:
-Caelan, an elf Druid, played by my friend. Caelan was a selfless character (as you'll see), and always put the needs of the forest first, party second, self last.

-Torren, a minotaur fighter, played by my younger brother. He's built to charge into combat with his double-bladed sword and become a living blender. Dumb as a rock, but almost invincible and hard-hitting as heck.

-Jace, a human sorceror, played by me. He had a lot of utility spells, but only a few that were useful in combat. As such, my combat routine was fairly simple, but usually effective.

We were all level ten. The DM decided it would be funny to party wipe us, since it wasn't a real campaign, and threw us up against three elder earth elementals.

I immediately launched into my routine; namely, I cast fly on myself, got out of reach, and prepared to rain Disintegrate spells. The druid cast, I think, Wind Walk on his dire wolf animal companion, riding it up into the sky. The minotaur, as always charged headlong (none of us knew how nasty these things were).

The minotaur got some solid hits in, then was promptly bashed into the negatives. I had no way of healing him, and was frantically searching my spell list for something to do, but I'm about 80 feet in the air, and the druid is above even me. Both my brother and I were basically assuming he was dead. Then the druid's turn comes up. He says, "I'm right over (the minotaur), right?" "Yeeeesss," respends the DM hesitantly. "I jump off my wolf."

The DM, who is a math whiz, does some computing in his head, and comes up with 250ft as the height from which the druid falls.

*SPLAT*

He lands, with ONE HP remaining. He remains prone, and proceeds to poke the minotaur with his biggest cure spell. The minotaur stands up, makes an attack with power attack at full penalty, and crits, totaling to just over 50 dmg. Massive damage.

The DM laughs, "Ha, he'd have to roll a one to..." *rolls a 1* "I don't f***ing believe it."

I use Finger of Death. Fort save, "No way that's gonna happen again." *rolls another 1* "MOTHERF***ER!*

The remaining elemental pounds the minotaur into the negatives again, and is then dispatched shortly thereafter with disintegrate.

It took my three days to travel the four hours back into town :D

The DM realized later that the crit shouldn't have happened, and retroactively ruled that we were all dead. Jerk

[Zom B]

Metanach, my once-frail Enchantment specialist wizard turned Batman wizard, ended up killing two party members in his re-debut.

We came across a hallway, and at regular intervals there were strange symbols on the floor. I cast Summon Monster I and send a celestial monkey down the hallway. It triggers the Symbol of Death, and the Symbol happens to take out two party members, since the monkey only absorbed 4 of the hit point pool.

[Dragero]

Wow that kinda stinks Zom B, NEVER TRUST A MONKEY!!!

[Waffle Iron]

Okay, my third game ever:

*I am an Elf Rouge named That Elf Guy and I had found the "Bag of the Improvisor". Our sorcerer/whatever he is tells me that there is a small chance that I might pull out an explosive and immediatly kill myself.
"Okay," I thought "Then we should get a minstrel to follow us around and pull stuff out of the bag so we don't get killed!"
"That's a great idea!" He says.

So, we look around and see this old man standing there. My friend (sorcerer/whatever he is) tries to explain that we want to hire him. Oh, and did I mention he has 5 charisma? While he's trying to explain the old man yells
"Argh, you be tryin' to steal me lucky charms!" and proceeds to stab my friend in the neck, getting a critical and knocking him unconscious. I had to drag him to the local healer and tell him what happened.
He replies "Oh, yeah, that's crazy Steve! He's not mentally stable..."

*Same game: He tries to talk to a shady stranger in the corner and asks him for quests. The man says buzz off. My friend continues and eventually the shady man pulls out a crossbow and gets a crit on my friend.

*Same game: a dire badger wanders from the forrest and my friend tries to communicate with it. Rolls a one, and gets mauled by the dire badger. I run up and try to attack the badger and I hit my friend. He is knocked into the negatives.

Many bad things happen to him. He is known as death wish.

First game:
We found a cave with kobolts in it. The fighter says "Kill them all!!!" and rushes in and, well, kills them all. We found out later that they were supposed to be part of an overarching story AND was friendly and was supposed to be helping us...

So much for the plot...

[ChaosPenguin42]

I have had on full game and there was enough hilarious content for about seven games...

First, I was DMing and I run a very loose game play. The two people playing were playing as a Dwarven Cleric and a "Teddybear" sorcerer... Yeah... I know...

We went into the dungeon and they came out with some money, with it, they decided to buy things, while the Dwarf was buying his stuff, the bear decided to steal a monocle... he succeded...

Second, they both decided they needed mounts... The teddybear, too small to buy a horse or riding dog, got a riding... Chiwahwah... named sprikles... He went to steal it from an old lady, but the dog thought he was a chew toy and attacked him... Eventually, he secceded and has a Small riding dog...

Then he decided that he needed to seduce everything in the dungeon, but fails every time...

Finally, they go back into the dungeon and I read them the scene... That there are broken weapons and dust and some strange liquids on the ground... The team decides that the liquid (random dungeon filler) was useful and put it in a jar and take it back to town. They find a farmer and try to sell it to him. The bear with a large Charisma skill says that he will try to sell it...

Bear: I try to sell it to the cabbage farmer...
Me: Roll it.
Bear: *Rolls 13* plus a charisma modifier of about 4 or 5
Me: *Shakes head* The farmer is intrigued by your strange liquid, he wonders what it does. Roll again.
Bear: *Rolls 15*
Me: *Facepalm* You tell the farmer that it is ale, but an EXOTIC ale, and very rare... The farmer buys it for... *rolls a 19* 300 gold...

lols were had by all...

[Andrath]

A loooong time ago in a land far far away (ok, maybe like 7 years ago), my dad was DMing with his friends. Said friends were about 6th or 7th level if I recall correctly. Now, this was a group of like 8, so they were all just demolishing everything. They were tasked with this thing to go and wipe out this tribe of gnolls, bout 20 of them.

Now since they're just gnolls, when the group gets to the camp they decide to fly right in without killing anyone on their magic carpet. With roughly 15 gnolls trailing them, they hop off the carpet to kill the chief and his shaman. Thing is, the chief was a level 9 barbarian and his shaman was a level 9 priest.

Priest cast unholy blight which does some insane damage and knocks the two casters into the negetives, thief and druid to about 1/4 hp, but the barbarian, the fighter, the ranger, and the cleric were at more than 1/2 hp. Now, Mr. "I can kill anything" the ranger decides to wade into melee with the barbarian, who promptly crits him for 68 and kills him.

Druid heals himself and one caster, thief drinks a healing potion, the revived caster luckily gets a good heal check and stabalizes the other caster. Well, until they get hit with another unholy blight. 1 caster dead, thief dead, healed caster dying, druid about 4 hp left, barbarian and fighter with about 20hp each, and the ranger cut in 2.

Needless to say, things weren't going so well. Gnoll barbarian goes wham to the fighter, cleave into the barbarian, dropping both into negetives. druid was like "F this" and grabbed the flying carpet to take off, only to be hit with a grit by the gnoll priest's sling and dropping him from the sky. So, cleric being the last one, calls upon his god for aid. And then divine hammer of wrath blasty holy thing kills all the baddies, while raising the dead party members.

Session ended at that. My dad says to them "You couldn't have been just a little more stealthy huh? Had to fly right in there. Well guess what, i think i'll make those guys reacurring if they took you down that easy." Everyone feared unholy blight after that session, and next time everyone rolled neutral.

[Andrath]

There was a more recent event in the last session we played (sadly haven't been able to play for like 6 months now). Our group is supposed to be a freakshow since we were formerly slaves from a circus (we bought ourselves out after one of our dm's screwed up the loot table for the dungeon and it gave us all this freakish loot. got like 12 million GP and there was a 4 page sheet of gear.)

Cast is: (and just using players name, can't remember all the char names)
Me- Drow ranger2/fighter5
Phil- Human psionic9
Chris- (wierd bird thing) sorcerer8
Teresa- (cat thing) ranger 9
Short- changeling rogue8 (char name is dirk, short for dirkagiglion)
Steve- Dueregar cleric8/fighter1
Ken (my dad, dming this time)- human rhonin9 (he started off as a thri-keen monk, but he pulled at least 60 damage per round and we took him out)

Now, we were on a wierd world which we got trapped on after going through Hell, and we can't find a way back (ok, i know what to do, but i can't tell anyone). At the time, we were in a forest heading the opposite way i told them to go (come on, i live with the DM, take my advice seriously).

It was night, and we were going to rest, so chris conjurs a Leemand's Tiny Hut (i think thats what its called), which is invisible to everyone thats not in the group. So, we all go in to rest for the night, only to be awakened later by spider-goblins. Now, they couldn't see us, but we could see them. I, being the ranger/fighter I am, pull out my bow and proceed to attack them.For some reason the hut allows thing from the inside to go out without interference so it appeared that the arrows were coming out of mid air.

Needless to say, the group of goblins were surprised, and I took two out in the first round, one in the second with the second one i shot being imparied. The one untouched goblin makes a run for it. Our dueregar dislikes all goblins, so he runs out there in his full plate and clobbers the one lying on the ground and gives chase to the runner. He almost catches the runner, but it sweres around a seemingly clear area. Blundering dwarf runs right through it, only to fal down into a concealed pit and get stabbed in the @$$ with the metal spikes down there. Oh, he realizes after the DM tells him to make a spot check that the spikes are serrated.

Here the hilarity begins. 12 ft pit, 5ft dwarf. After extracting himself, he tries to find handholds in the sides, and with being a dwarf, he finds a few. About half way up, he loses grip and falls, impaling himself one the spikes with his rear end once again. Once more pulling himself up, he tries an enlarge person, bringing himself up to 10ft tall. Now, he tries to jump. rolls nat 20 on his jump check, and even in the full plate manages to grab the edge of the pit. Just as hes pulling himself up, DM tells him to roll a d20. He rolls a 5. Suddenly, the earth gives way around him and he tumbles tucus first into the pit. Ouch, again.

Finally, he gets a bright idea. His god is like the son of Moradin, or some such thing, and he gets earth as one of his domains. One of his spells allows him to tunnel through dirt. Being tired of trial and failure, he uses that to dig himself out of the pit. Once he returns, everyone has a smile, and one player decides to do a bit of meta gaming and says "Ow, you're looking a little butt-hurt." We all got a laugh out of it. He took 36 points of damage through all of the falling, and luckily he was the only one who could heal, and therefor did not have to reveal his embarrasing predicament.

[Zasshi]

Okay, so I'm two sessions into a new session; actually, out of a group of five, only one of us has ever played before, and one is actually on her first session.

I'm DM because I'm the one that actually went out and spent God knows how much on the core books and actually bothered learning the rules (our experienced player is a bit... rule challenged. Plus she's only played 3.5 before). Anyway, here's our dramatic personae...

Bonebreaker the Behemoth (our one male player is overcompensating for something, apparently), a half-orc barbarian;
Shannara, a half-elf bard;
Aivantebair, an elven shaman;
Sae, a Dragonborn warden;
Fnipper, a gnome assassin.

Anyway, Sae and Fnipper are new characters, and for one reason or another the other three are trying to convince them to join the party. The following conversation occurs. I apologize for the lack of role playing skillz from all of us.

Sae: Where are you going?
BBtB: We're going to find Tim the Enchanter!*
Sae: Why?
BBtB: Because.
Aivantabair: Wanna come with us?
Sae: How far away is it?
Me: It's about three days
Sae: Oh. Can I buy noodles?
BBtB: What?
Me: Sure. There's a town on the way.
Aivantabear: What?
Me: Yea.
Aivantebear: Can I buy totem pole polish?
Me:... Sure?
BBtB: I want to buy a goat!
Me: Why?!
BBtB: So I can eat it!

Now imagine this conversation going on for like fifteen minutes...

[GiantNewDoctor]

Now imagine this conversation going on for like fifteen minutes...

This is how DnD is supposed to be played.

[jaselin_drew]

I have to say that as far as super funny stories go I have just a funny character period. One of the guys in my campaign is a halfling monk and he was at this barn looking at animals. The little rogue child that I have asked him if he wanted a dog that she had for sale.... Long story short he got 50 gold stolen and he ran after this little girl all over town. He was screaming he was gonna hurt her and all this hilarious stuff.

I had to stop him and remind him hes a monk and if he continued this way I would have to ex-monk him.

Everywhere the team went they asked for clues from the locals and everyone said that they heard about a monk threatening to kill a little girl. It really was the talk of the town.

[CollinPhillips]

My party had been doing some hacking and slashing in a dungeon, slaughtering skum left and right when we finally made it to a showdown with an Aboloeth mage. While lecturing us on the folly of our actions, my character a human paladin, apologized to the Aboleth and offered to make amends. Diplomacy for the win. My paladin opened a bag of holding and dumped out half a ton of humanoid corpses. The party's druid began reincarnating 1.5 corpses for every mook we killed. So after a five day stay in the aboleth's lair, we finally left him with a new army. The paladin retained his paladinhood and for the rest of the campaign, this became the method of disposing of the corpses of the most heinous opponents.

[Katana_Geldar]

You CARRY corpses WITH you?

[Pyrian]

For some reason, once parties get high enough level to really abuse preserve corpse spells, they tend to take bodies with them all the time. I have observed this effect with a wide variety of players.

[CollinPhillips]

You CARRY corpses WITH you?

The best part of your post has to be how your avatar looks like a DM facepalming. After slaying evil creatures, the paladin would take their freshly looted corpses and toss them in his bag of holding until the party came to a gate to the elemental plane of fire. This prevented them from being raised to conduct more havoc or reanimated as undead. The Aboleth was the legitimate lawful authority of the underground region we had inadvertently trespassed into.

[Dragero]

My players just toss corpses in their bags of holding, then drops them on enemys from above........they did a LOT of damage from those centaurs they tossed.....

[Katana_Geldar]

It is meant to look like a DM facepalming.

And I thought my players were bad for wanting to disembowel dead party members in the forest.

[Lioness]

One of our party members married the cook.

And they wouldn't let me perform the ceremony, because apparently I was getting it wrong. So the paladin did it.

And then followed way too many innuendos to count. A couple of our players just don't know when to stop...

[sparkyinbozo]

We've committed a LOT of atrocities in the name of The Greater Good while D&Ding. Here are a few:

Telekentically throwing bums at our enemies to scare them off.
Flying and summoning spikey or large monsters to drop on people...after lighting the monster on fire, of course.
Still Spell + Silent Spell + Charm Person in a bar = a good night.
Zombifying nuns that our party robbed previously to work in our cleric's church.
Throwing a gnome PC at a dragon to distract it.
A paladin with a panda mount.

Loving these stories!

[RandomNPC]

Our last game had two hours of the new party member warforged speaking to the VoP monk about reason, free will, choice, and beleif. I beleive the two year old warforged has a better understanding of it all than the VoP monk.

[Andrath]

Yeesh, all the body stuffing/corpse dismembering/violent murders/pillaging of villages that happen around here Eh, haven't done any evil campaigns yet.

My recent session was somewhat... stupid. We tend to fight these epic hour long battles and then spend the next five hours of our gameplay doing nothing of use. Really, the entire focus of the session can be described in one word; fireball. There are a few things you should know first 1) A 9th level enemy sorcerer can cast fireball 6 times a day for 9d6 points of damage 2) The range of said fireballs with a 9th level sorcerer is 760 feet 3) Its the ultimate irony that the pyromaniac psion if killed by a fireball (Ok, so he discorperated and will show up a day later, but he might as well be dead for all the help he can give).

So, to continue with the issues of the session, the sorcerer can use the teleportation pads at each cottage to teleport to another cottage, making it darn hard to find her. Also, after burning down all 4 of the barracks, we have 120 level 4 zombies to fight through to get into the tower, which needs a special ring (which we only have one of so far) to get into. If it weren't for the fact that we have 13 scrolls of Delayed Blast Fireball (broken loot from a screwed up dungeon), we would be pretty screwed when fighting the zombies. I will say though, once all of them are dead we should get several thousand EXP.

Now it may not have beeen all that funny for you, but I found it really funny just how screwed we are. On the bright side, if I can finish making my campaign in time, I might be DM'ing for the first time.

[killmaster666]

Yeesh, all the body stuffing/corpse dismembering/violent murders/pillaging of villages that happen around here Eh, haven't done any evil campaigns yet.

My recent session was somewhat... stupid. We tend to fight these epic hour long battles and then spend the next five hours of our gameplay doing nothing of use. Really, the entire focus of the session can be described in one word; fireball. There are a few things you should know first 1) A 9th level enemy sorcerer can cast fireball 6 times a day for 9d6 points of damage 2) The range of said fireballs with a 9th level sorcerer is 760 feet 3) Its the ultimate irony that the pyromaniac psion if killed by a fireball (Ok, so he discorperated and will show up a day later, but he might as well be dead for all the help he can give).

So, to continue with the issues of the session, the sorcerer can use the teleportation pads at each cottage to teleport to another cottage, making it darn hard to find her. Also, after burning down all 4 of the barracks, we have 120 level 4 zombies to fight through to get into the tower, which needs a special ring (which we only have one of so far) to get into. If it weren't for the fact that we have 13 scrolls of Delayed Blast Fireball (broken loot from a screwed up dungeon), we would be pretty screwed when fighting the zombies. I will say though, once all of them are dead we should get several thousand EXP.

Now it may not have beeen all that funny for you, but I found it really funny just how screwed we are. On the bright side, if I can finish making my campaign in time, I might be DM'ing for the first time.

im pretty sure all of that stuff has to do with spell level not class level i may be mistaken though it's been awhle since i read the rules.

[Andrath]

im pretty sure all of that stuff has to do with spell level not class level i may be mistaken though it's been awhle since i read the rules.

I would agree, but increasing range proportionately to damage would make more sense. You may be correct however, as I don't have the PHB at this moment.

[Graymayre]

I've told this story a few times before. It's gotten great reception and I hope the people who haven't seen it enjoy:

Our party consisted of a Warforged (fighter), a human (Artificer, that's me!) another human (paladin of the silver flame) and a [race not found] (ranger).

We went out into the can-you-believe-the-ratio-of-normal-animals-to-f***ing-monsters Woods around Sharn, to find a band of brigands that were robbing the local area.

When we got to their camp, the warforged and I concocted a brilliant scheme! Using glamer, I disguised him as an ordinary looking human. Then I readied a scroll of enlarge person.

The warforged ambled lazily into the center of the camp and made sure the highwaymen noticed him. Once there, he deactivated the glamer by ripping at his chest, causing the illusion to come off in such a way that it seemed like he was shedding his flesh. As he did that, I used my scroll on him.

In a moment of pants wetting terror that likely trumped anything the bandits had seen before, it appeared to them that the warforged had ripped off his human skin and grew to twice his height.

In a fit of rage he screamed "I AM THE FLESHWEARER!" points at thug leader "YOU WILL BE MY NEW SKIN!"

They ran in horror, we chased, priceless

[icastflare!]

mine happened a couple months ago. my friends found alot of 4th edition homebrew content on the internet and here was the party make up.

A duergar Cleric

A warforged wizard

A drow arachnomancer ( homebrewed class with my approval)

then one guys pulls out a thumb drive and open up basically the worlds biggest supply of homebrew content and makes a bullywug necromancer.

He would yell " Taste My Unholy Ribbit" everytime he casted a spell. classic

[Cyrion]

Our party was going through a stretch where diseases seemed to be a theme- we couldn't turn around without someone catching something. Everytime, the minotaur cleric would just smile, cast a spell and cure it. We knew he wasn't high enough level to cast cure disease, so we were trying to puzzle it out.

Finally, the guy playing the halfling looks up from the PH and asks, "Stop with the Purify Food and Drink. It's starting to creep me out!"

The DM overlooked the "doesn't work on creatures" clause because he thought it was hilarious.

[Meirnon]

Our party was going through a stretch where diseases seemed to be a theme- we couldn't turn around without someone catching something. Everytime, the minotaur cleric would just smile, cast a spell and cure it. We knew he wasn't high enough level to cast cure disease, so we were trying to puzzle it out.

Finally, the guy playing the halfling looks up from the PH and asks, "Stop with the Purify Food and Drink. It's starting to creep me out!"

The DM overlooked the "doesn't work on creatures" clause because he thought it was hilarious.

Mmmm... halfling-burgers.

[Ranger Mattos]

Man, these stories are funny. Too bad I don't have one of my own.