Lorsa's Lovely List (of GMing advice)

[Lorsa]

I've been on this forum for a wihle now, and I see a lot of people asking for advice on how to GM. So I figured I should join in and give my own advice in a lovely list that is easy to follow. Enjoy!

Step 0: Basic premise
Remember that GM is short for Game Master. It obviously means you are the most important person in the group and that yours is the only opinion worthy to consider and that the players are only there for your entertainment.

Step 1: Finding a group
Just grab any random bunch of people you can find, you’re going to play other characters anyway so what does the personality of the players matter? Also, even if they have vastly different ideas of what they want out of the game, the only one that matters is you so again any random bunch of players is fine.

Step 2: Scheduling sessions
Players like variety so having a fixed day/time is a bad idea. Make sure to schedule it according to when it is convenient for you, players should be expected to re-schedule around your times. Preferably, give them as short notice as possible for when the next session is, like the same day. Make sure to penalize players that don’t show up, it’s very bad form after all.

Step 3: Making characters
Make sure to have arbitrary enforcements of what sort of characters the players can make. If they question you, just mysteriously hint at “story reasons”. Also, select one player that gets to be special like being the only one allowed to be a jedi in Star Wars or play a silver dragon wizard without level adjustment in D&D 3.5. This player should be your girlfriend or best friend. If no such player is present, it’s a good idea to make a character of your own that will follow the party around that can take on the role of being special. The purpose of this is all to make sure the players don’t wrongly assume that their characters will matter in the story. Also, if there’s a woman in the group playing a female character, make sure to impose some arbitrary houserules such as forcing her to place the highest stat in charisma or have a strength cap or something similar. If someone questions this, say it’s for increased realism. Obviously this won’t affect your girlfriend’s character.

Step 4: Interpreting the rules
Follow the rules when they work against the players. Break them on arbitrary occasions, especially in favor of the aforementioned jedi or your own character. If the players question you, just say it’s for “story reasons”. Like mentioned in step 2, players like variety so make sure things don’t stay consistent and boring. Just make sure the players know they can’t break the rules in favor of themselves, you’re the GM after all.

Step 5: Running the game
Remember that the players are there for your benefit. Don’t give them the idea that their choices in any way matter or that they’re important to the story. It’s your story after all, and it should revolve around your girlfriend’s or best friend’s character or even better your own “special” character. Whenever the players try to deviate from your story, make sure to punish them hard or make it impossible. They will realize your grandeur soon enough anyway; when they see the full story you have planned.

Step 6: Challenges
Players don’t like to have it easy, so make sure to involve a lot of things that remove many or most of the player character’s abilities. This has the added benefit of putting the players in their place so they don’t get the idea that they’re special in any way. For example, in D&D, consistently have monsters that negate the player’s class abilities. The best way to do this is to have magic-immune constructs with very high damage reduction. That way you negate as many special abilities as possible and will sufficiently challenge the players. Their characters shouldn’t die though, the longer they stay alive the more involved they’ll be in the characters and the less likely they are to quit (they’re there for your benefit remember) so make sure to save them with your own "special" character, or possibly let your girlfriend’s jedi do it. Players like to be saved by GM controlled characters on a regular basis. Just make sure that the character reminds them how they failed the challenge.

Step 7: Rewards
Awarding a bit of experience is always good form. The players shouldn’t be greedy though, so the more they complain about it the less you should give them. Also, you should give extra experience to the character that solved the challenges. This should then be your girlfriend’s or best friend’s character or ideally your own. It is a good way to motivate your players to perform better in the challenges to come. Monetary rewards are also good, but when it looks like items makes the players’ characters too powerful make sure to rob them of it all in some way. Either they can have it stolen by a master thief, or they can be imprisoned and stripped of their gear. Players usually think it is fun when this happens regularly because then they can go through the process of hoarding all over again! Also, make sure all very special and powerful items end up with the character that matters (you should know which one by now).

Step 8: Concluding the game
Players don’t like to see the end of a campaign, so make sure it never reaches that point. Alternatively if you have a really great ending in mind (such as all the player characters dying) make sure that nothing the players do in game prevents this from happening. If the players look like they’re actually enjoying your story, make sure to cancel the campaign for some arbitrary reasons (blame real life or something) and start over at step 3 with a new campaign.



That's it! Follow this list and it will make you the best GM ever! Did I miss anything?

[Tanuki Tales]

You missed putting that post in blue text. Or having some other obvious tag that this piece is satirical.

Edit:

Also, Damage Reduction, in the numbers presented for third edition, is complete crap at actually preventing any meaningful damage from semi-optimized melee beatsticks.

[Gorfnod]

A wonderfully written piece and a boon to the playground as a whole. A highly suggested read for all the new DMs out there and there is even something in there for the veterans.

I do have to disagree with you on one point though.

Their characters shouldn’t die though,

I think that their characters should die a lot. Half of the fun of the game is filling out a new character sheet. If you are killing them all the time then they are spending all that extra time coming up with new character ideas and rolling stats instead of all those boring random encounters. This lets you skip any of the potentially "slow" parts in YOUR story and get right to the part where you really shine. Slaughtering them again!!

[Lorsa]

You missed putting that post in blue text. Or having some other obvious tag that this piece is satirical.

I thought that would diminish the entertainment value of reading it. Obvious humor is less fun I think. But I can do that if necessary.

Edit:

Also, Damage Reduction, in the numbers presented for third edition, is complete crap at actually preventing any meaningful damage from semi-optimized melee beatsticks.

Edit: I didn't mention specifically you have to follow the numbers listed in the Monster's Manual. A damage reduction of 30/- would only be approriate I think.

[Themrys]

This is hilarious.

I don't think it needs a hint that it's satire ... that's obvious.

[Gorfnod]

I thought that would diminish the entertainment value of reading it. Obvious humor is less fun I think. But I can do that if necessary.

Never point out that your humor is humor. It is always better when someone believes it is real.

[Tim Proctor]

This is sage advice, I think there are a couple things missing.

1) Players love the usage of heavy puns, so an Earth Elemental that is going to 'rock their world, beat the 'schist' out of them, etc. is really important. It is even better to do so during hgh tension parts of the adventure like in horror so that people don't get too wrapped up.

2) Players love making characters and if they can make a new one every third session it seems to be optimal. The best way to do that is to ask the player if they can make a specific type of character, then while they do that have their old character turn into a crazy worthless sack and have your or your friends character kill them in a brutal way. Also potty accidents to character deaths are good, so having another character find the body of so and so on the toilet might work.

3) Players love long monologues between your character, your friend's character, or just between NPCs. Its like watching a movie so if you can script out them haggling for rations or something like that and then recite it with inappropriate accents it works. The longer the better.

4) Lastly, Players generally understand they wont be the star of the show so the only times they get the full attention is when they are captured and forced to fight another player' character with their own. PvP is hugely popular as it allows players to test out their characters on another player, kinda like pokemon.

[Tanuki Tales]

I thought that would diminish the entertainment value of reading it. Obvious humor is less fun I think. But I can do that if necessary.

Well, it just makes it less likely to be construed the wrong way; especially with all the heated threads we've had lately.

Especially when some people don't understand satire if it bit them in the rear.

Edit: I didn't mention specifically you have to follow the numbers listed in the Monster's Manual. A damage reduction of 30/- would only be approriate I think.

Oh, I know, that's just more my own "DR, Fast Healing and Regeneration aren't as great as everyone seems to think" crusade butting itself in. Mind you, an 8th level beat stick is doing in the range of 25 to 30 damage.

[Tengu_temp]

You missed putting that post in blue text. Or having some other obvious tag that this piece is satirical.

No. I am absolutely against the idea of blue text, or sarcasm tags, or whatever. The OP's work is obviously satirical (and very funny), it doesn't need this kind of crutch (which would also make it less funny). If someone takes it at face value, it's their fault for not being able to recognize very obvious satire.

Also, blue text is something I only encountered on this forum. Somehow people everywhere else on the internet manage to convey sarcasm without pointing it out.

[Tanuki Tales]

No. I am absolutely against the idea of blue text, or sarcasm tags, or whatever.

Good for you Tengu.

I'm not.

Edit:

I only brought it up because we've seemed to have had a few pretty charged topics concerning GMing/DMing as of late and what people think is right and wrong about handling it or what kind of playstyle should be used. So anything that can lead this thread to not being spark and tinder for that all to spill over into here (which it inevitably probably will) is Aces in my book.

[Black Jester]

Step 0: Basic premise
Remember that GM is short for Game Master. It obviously means you are the most important person in the group and that yours is the only opinion worthy to consider and that the players are only there for your entertainment.?

While the tone is supposed to be ironic, I cannot leave this statement stand on its own without comment, since, well utterly unironic,

The GAMEMASTER IS the most important person in the group.

Always.

The gamemaster bears the most responsibility for the success or failure of the game. The gamemaster has to give the game meaning and direction. The gamemaster carries the weight of the game and determines its premises and its outcome. The gamemaster literally is the key person to the game. You can compensate a bad player, but you cannot compensate a bad gamemaster.
As such any wannabe gamemaster who refuses this responsibility or authority will fail to ever run a decent game. You need to accept that YOU, yes YOU, as the gamemaster has the responsibility and the authority to run a good game and YOU, yes YOU alone carries the major weight of this task. That doesn't make you immune to criticism (no one ever is), but no matter how you put it: Bydesign of the roleplaying game medium, your opinion as the gamemaster will always weigh heavier than those of any of the players andyou need to make sure that your word is final. If you cannot handle this responsibility you cannot run a non-dysfucntional game.

Consequently, this advice is not only bad, it is actively irresponsible.

[Tim Proctor]

Um, the tone isn't supposed to be ironic, if you read the whole post you'd understand what tone it is supposed to be in. Guess we do need blue ink after all.

[Rhynn]

Great piece, and...

Also, blue text is something I only encountered on this forum. Somehow people everywhere else on the internet manage to convey sarcasm without pointing it out.

Agreed. The blue text is the dumbest meme to hit the Playground since Pun-Pun.

[Oko and Qailee]

Never point out that your humor is humor. It is always better when someone believes it is real.

"If you have to explain the joke then its not a joke" - The Joker

[AgentofHellfire]

That's it! Follow this list and it will make you the best GM ever! Did I miss anything?

There's actually one important thing I'd like to add...

9. Gaming is an important activity in any social circle, so it's a perfect way to resolve out-of-game issues! If you and a player are having a dispute, or if you don't like the way a player's character is behaving, then you by all means should do something about it in game.
9b. Characters are reflections of the people playing them. So under no circumstances should you allow them to display traits you disapprove of.

[Tim Proctor]

There's actually one important thing I'd like to add...

9. Gaming is an important activity in any social circle, so it's a perfect way to resolve out-of-game issues! If you and a player are having a dispute, or if you don't like the way a player's character is behaving, then you by all means should do something about it in game.
9b. Characters are reflections of the people playing them. So under no circumstances should you allow them to display traits you disapprove of.

^^^ This!

You should add in that it is appropriate to refer to a character by their player's name, and say 'you' instead of 'your character', this helps players get into the role and personalize themselves within the game.

[Delwugor]

I have to strongly object to this list. It needs much more work that only the most experienced GM's (such as me) can provide.
Read and learn well!!

First The Master portion of GM is redundant when you obtain a certain level of skill. If you ever attain that level you will know what I mean.

2. You are leaving too much room for role-playing. CUT IT OUT! The players want to die in a dungeon not spend time investigating why ... well someone did something but it doesn't matter to the dungeon.

III Stop the most important scene of the session to spend a half hour looking through books to make sure you have that obscure rule absolutely correct and all the arguments of why it can only be used as you dictate.

4) Rewards? My players know that playing within my games is reward enough. Be sure to remind your players of this at least twice a session.

"No you can't do that" is the best answer you can give. There are some times when you have to get firm and shout "H**L NO", but that should only be once or twice a session, don't overdo it.

3: You should strive to kick at least one player out every third session. Be sure to belittle them as they leave to make sure they know how aweful they where.

VV} When a character dies you must write "YOU FAILED MISSERABLE" on their character sheet in red marker. Do not rip the sheet up since the evidence of their failure gets lost.

८ - You must be extremely consistent.

XI A campaign should only end with a TPK against the BBEG, otherwise your players will think it was too easy.

Most importantly - As I have done, be sure to embrace subtlety and humility when GMing. It will take you a long way.

[Tanuki Tales]

Um, the tone isn't supposed to be ironic, if you read the whole post you'd understand what tone it is supposed to be in. Guess we do need blue ink after all.

Sarcasm is actually defined by the fact it tends to be ironic, so....

[Tim Proctor]

Sarcasm is actually defined by the fact it tends to be ironic, so....

I really wish there was a facepalm emoticon, maybe I should have used blue print instead of black...

[Tanuki Tales]

I really wish there was a facepalm emoticon, maybe I should have used blue print instead of black...

Yes, you should have.

I didn't see any sarcasm in your statement. *shrug*

Which is why I don't agree with the mindset that tone, connotation, and intent can be solely gleaned from cold written text that may or may not have any context in which it is sufficiently framed to provide the mentioned items at first glance.

[Arbane]

The blue text is the dumbest meme to hit the Playground since Pun-Pun.

I fully agree. It should be Magenta for sarcasm.

[Jay R]

Blue text for sarcasm is an important writing tool. Everybody should use it when they are saying something clearly false.

[A_Man]

I'll make sure to show this to a GM. Seems like he's been doing it wrong. XD

[Lorsa]

Blue text for sarcasm is an important writing tool. Everybody should use it when they are saying something clearly false.

It was a long time since I laughed so much! Thank you for that! I would love to use this quote in my signature, with your permission.

[Quorothorn]

Basically. I have a superior list, of course, but it's still in the testing stages.

[Jay R]

It was a long time since I laughed so much! Thank you for that! I would love to use this quote in my signature, with your permission.

Feel free. I can keep people from quoting something, or I can post it on the internet. Trying to do both is absurd.

[Forrestfire]

Basically. I have a superior list, of course, but it's still in the testing stages.

Will reading your list exercise my DMing genes?

[TuggyNE]

Will reading your list exercise my DMing genes?

The Forge's name takes on a new and sinister meaning suddenly.

[Lorsa]

While the tone is supposed to be ironic, I cannot leave this statement stand on its own without comment, since, well utterly unironic,

The GAMEMASTER IS the most important person in the group.

Always.

Alright Black Jester. I haven't had time to respond to you until now (sorry). I am not one to shy away from a little discussion.

First of all, not everything I said is wrong. I also said that players like to be challenged. They do! But not in the way I wrote. Similarly, "most important" it isn't supposed to mean that yours is the only opinion that matter and the players are only there for your entertainment. I also said you should impose arbitrarily restrictions during character creation, does that mean you shouldn't have any restrictions? Of course not.

Secondly, it all depends on what you mean by most important. Most roleplaying games need a GM, thus she is needed and necessary for the game to work. As you also mentioned, the GM has responsibilities. But having responsibilities doesn't automatically make you more important than the others. It's a matter of perspective so perhaps I should try to clarify.

When I speak of "important" I mean who should, in your mind, be placed first. Whose enjoyment is the one that matters most. I believe that from a GM's perspective, the players should be the most important, and it's their enjoyment that should be placed first. From the players perspective, the GM and the other players should be the most important and their enjoyment should be placed first. I dare say that roleplaying will function best when everyone involved do their best to create enjoyment for all the others. It's when people put themselves over others that things go wrong.

A GM shouldn't use her position of responsibility to put herself in the first place and assume her enjoyment matters more than the players or just because she has the final say that the other opinions don't matter. Whether or not the GM is the most important person in the group is quite irrelevant to my list, I am talking about how she should view herself. Being a GM isn't an excuse for a self-entitled power play.

As such, your rulings as a GM shouldn't be based on "this is how I like it", it should be based on "this is what I think will be most enjoyable to the group". You are there for them, they're not there for you. Does that mean you should give players everything they want? Of course not! Because... that's not actually what they want. Most players want the GM to say no and expect the GM to portray a logical and consistent world where not everything is possible. So that's what she should do for their sake. A GM that believes herself to be the most important person in the group is more likely to break the consistency in favour of whatever railroad is planned. Players don't enjoy that.

The gamemaster bears the most responsibility for the success or failure of the game. The gamemaster has to give the game meaning and direction. The gamemaster carries the weight of the game and determines its premises and its outcome. The gamemaster literally is the key person to the game. You can compensate a bad player, but you cannot compensate a bad gamemaster.
As such any wannabe gamemaster who refuses this responsibility or authority will fail to ever run a decent game. You need to accept that YOU, yes YOU, as the gamemaster has the responsibility and the authority to run a good game and YOU, yes YOU alone carries the major weight of this task. That doesn't make you immune to criticism (no one ever is), but no matter how you put it: Bydesign of the roleplaying game medium, your opinion as the gamemaster will always weigh heavier than those of any of the players andyou need to make sure that your word is final. If you cannot handle this responsibility you cannot run a non-dysfucntional game.

Nothing of what I said in my first post contradicts anything you said here. I said that you shouldn't consider yours to be the only opinion that matters. That's not the same as what you are arguing against. Nor does the GM having the authority and responsibility to run a good game contradict my statement that you shouldn't put yourself first. So who are you arguing with really?

As a side note, why use a double negative? Isn't non-dysfunctional really just functional?

Consequently, this advice is not only bad, it is actively irresponsible.

I believe that the advice of a GM, in her mind, placing the players first is great advice. It's how I have always done it and by the enjoyment of my players, it seems to work well. I have also heard of GMs that place their enjoyment first and that has never worked well.

[Kane0]

I must admit, this made me laugh.