Personal Woes and Advice 4

[Icewraith]

I'm aware. You probably haven't read my other posts here from a few months ago - I've been tested for a ton of things, and all the tests came back normal - that's why I'm even considering fibro - because it's something you can have while all your blood tests are normal.


I don't have any allergies that I know of (I can't eat pineapple- I get stomach cramps from it. But I'm not even sure if that's an allergy.) And I've never had any of the typical allergy symptoms (rashes, running nose from grass pollen and such). So unless it's some strange allergy that mostly shows through joint/muscle pain, sleeping problems and fatigue, I don't think that's it.


Yeah, I want to get a sleep study done some time - I already asked my GP about it, but she said I should discuss it with the neuro, but I forgot with all the other stuff when I was there. Hopefully I'll remember next time.


Nope, that's like the opposite of what the TCM doctor meant. I have a "weak middle", meaning my stomach has troubles getting all the qi/energy from the food, so other parts of the body don't get enough, leading the ... I think it was liver to "overreact", leading to the joint pain. But the chinese "organs" (it's called different, but I don't know which terms are used in English) don't actually represent the actual organs (meaning, having problems with say, zang heart doesn't mean you have actual heart problems, it just means something is wrong with the things heart represents, and the word "heart" is just the closest translation. At least that's how I understood it. I study biology, I understand more of real organs. )
I actually took some probiotics after a (probably useless) antibiotic treatment last august (when I was still believed to have lyme).

I'm aware stress can cause stomach problems - I have pretty bad anxiety, and sometimes I get stomach ache and nausea in stressful situations. But that's exactly the reason why I don't think it's all caused by my mental illnesses: I know the physical problems I get from anxiety and depression (said stomach aches and nausea). But joint pain? Muscle pain? To the point where I can hardly walk? That simply doesn't feel like depression to me, especially because it started when my mental heath was getting /better/. (During the summer, when university was fun and interesting, I started finding friends here and was generally in a good head space. That was when my physical health started to get worse, and continued to get worse during the 2 1/2 months of free time where I literally had no stress at all - but was still in pain all the time. Of course I'm stressed now- uni is hard when you can't concentrate, don't have energy for anything and are in pain.)

Try going for a ... think it's called a "blood antigen" test. You end up with a list of substances you react allergically to and the degree to which you react. It sounds like you've had a bunch of blood work done but if you'd had this done you'd have a list, you never get "everything came back normal", you get "you have small but non-zero responses to these twenty allergens (and if you have capital A Allergies you have significant responses to those, most of which you probably know about but it's helpful to confirm the test is accurate)". The people who I know who have done it and cut out things in that low range report feeling better- there's a lot of "I didn't realize I got a slight headache and fatigue when I ate X, but I cut it out and it stopped and whenever I eat X it comes back". You can also keep a food/mood/event journal, which can give you some really good data if you actually keep up on it for a month or two but can be an additional source of stress.

If you can find some kind of regular exercise, it looks like that fixes or improves things for a lot of people. Of course, it's really hard to exercise with random pain going on, and if you haven't exercised in a while you'll need to swallow your pride and start from the beginning, but if you can manage it do something and do it regularly. If it doesn't make you sweat and/or make your heart race at least a little- if it's not actually hard, it's not exercise.

1- Your body starts rebuilding itself, so while you get sore from exercise, you also get healthier. I suspect this also works as sort of a "driver update" or reinstall for your muscles and nerves, reminding them when they're supposed to be sending pain signals and when they're not. Exercise also kicks your metabolism into gear.

2- You start to get better at your form of exercise, and improving at something helps counter the "I suck at everything" narrative your depression throws around.

3- Forming good habits tends to help other good habits like diet and regular sleep form. It's also easier to get to sleep if you're tired and sore from a workout earlier in the day.

4- Once you're exercising regularly, your physical appearance and health tends to improve, which boosts your self-image, which helps combat your depression. You also have more energy.

5- Being healthier and better able to exert control over your life makes you better able to handle unexpected situations, so the what-ifs from your anxiety become less powerful.

[WarKitty]

I'm not sure how much I have a looking young problem and how much I just have a self-esteem problem. I'm leaning towards the latter - it's just so easy to look in the mirror and see everything you hate about your body.

[GAThraawn]

Growing up, I was a very lonely child, most of my childhood I had no friends at all, and desperately wanted some, and was deeply sad about it. These days, I have a good social circle and several close friends and everything is much better. But I think my brain is still taking some time to catch up, and still defaults back to "cripplingly lonely and sad". I just visited a friend who lives in another city (and whom I Skype with frequently), and I had a really great time, but as soon as I left I started feeling incredibly lonely and sad. Hanging out with other friends here is helping, but it's kind of frustrating that I still dip back into that deep despair of "nobody likes me, nobody wants to be with me, I'll never have close friends" when that is so objectively not true.

I really wish traveling to see a friend was just a fun experience, not a couple of weeks of worrying that things are going to terribly wrong (or go great, and then never get to happen again), followed by a great visit (sometimes worrying that this won't happen again), followed by another week of being sad that it's over. It might make more sense if this was a friend that I only get to see once a year or such, but I Skype with them all the time, and they only live a few hours away.

I don't really know if I'm actually looking for advice, just complaining about my brain.

[WolfLordBran]

Update the second: Monday starts the new semester and both the History chair and the Bio chair agreed to sign the change of major forms. So I'm going to be a History major with a Bio minor. All but one of my classes for this semester I was able to sign up for- I need to meet with the Professor and hopefully get him to overload me into the online version.

[Jon_Dahl]

Did you ever talk to the guy outside of class? Preferably with a witness?

Generally speaking before you get someone in trouble with their boss you should make at least one attempt to resolve the issue with them directly and not in public (if you try to challenge him in public/in class he will probably react to protect his ego instead of listening to you), but with a third party present.

If it works, you don't have any more problems for the rest of the semester. If it doesn't, you still have the option of lighting him up in the feedback form or going directly to the administration. If you skip telling him there's a problem and just light him up in the feedback form, he can just say "nobody ever brought this up to me directly, and I have office hours for a reason" plus you have to put up with him for the rest of the semester.

Edit: More bad memories. Dr. rescheduled from next month to tomorrow. This is probably not going to be pleasant, but if it means that I stop getting ambushed by the past it will be worth it. The stuff I'm being haunted by (mostly bullying from childhood) is strictly small-scale compared to the stuff other people have to deal with (like anyone who survived the Paris attacks), but I'm still being haunted by it and it still needs to stop. Here's to a future where I don't need to worry about snapping out of a decade+ old memory just in time to not punch my monitor.

Returning back to this, I must say that vanity is a bad thing for a person to have. I've just discovered that the American has given me excellent grades, so my anger and frustration have been decreased considerably. I hope that doesn't make me a vain person.

[TechnOkami]

Oh, um, because people in this thread have an interest in my life:

So at my mother's behest I checked out a different college in my area called Ex'pressions college. It seemed ok to me, interesting in many respects. I'm still overall really leery about returning to school right this minute, though I suppose I should finish my education eventually and get some type of degree. Again though, school's been feeling like a revolving door/platform where I've been beating my head against the same exact wall for several years, hence leery.

Other than that, more exciting news: I got hired as a Meat Clerk at a supermarket in my area (Safeway), and I'm now going to be making more money than what I was originally making on a monthly basis, but on a weekly basis, which I'm all kinds of excited about.

So I've got that goin' for me, which is nice.

[Evandar]

Oh, um, because people in this thread have an interest in my life:

So at my mother's behest I checked out a different college in my area called Ex'pressions college. It seemed ok to me, interesting in many respects. I'm still overall really leery about returning to school right this minute, though I suppose I should finish my education eventually and get some type of degree. Again though, school's been feeling like a revolving door/platform where I've been beating my head against the same exact wall for several years, hence leery.

Other than that, more exciting news: I got hired as a Meat Clerk at a supermarket in my area (Safeway), and I'm now going to be making more money than what I was originally making on a monthly basis, but on a weekly basis, which I'm all kinds of excited about.

So I've got that goin' for me, which is nice.

That sounds really cool, man. Good to hear stuff is working out for you (although I'm not very familiar with the original problems being new-ish here). What kinda degree were you thinking about?

[TechnOkami]

Well, originally I was gunning for a BA in Liberal Arts, or some kind of field of Art at the very least. Thinking back on it I'd probably do well in history or an english/writing degree, but my main problem with mainstream education is that you HAVE to specialize in whatever field you choose to come out with a major. My interests are all over the place, so I would want to minor in Art, English/Writing, History, Video Game Design, with extra curricular activities involving Art, Movies, Video Games, Medieval Martial Arts (sword fighting, Society for Creative Anachronism and all that jazz), Archery, and Table-top Roleplaying.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that school to me feels and has always felt too restrictive to what I want to do and what I want to learn, and I'm fed up with going through the revolving door that is the US Private Education System, pissing away money for no good reason.

Sooooo here I am taking a semester off, working and making money so I'm not entirely stagnant.

[Bobbybobby99]

Well, originally I was gunning for a BA in Liberal Arts, or some kind of field of Art at the very least. Thinking back on it I'd probably do well in history or an english/writing degree, but my main problem with mainstream education is that you HAVE to specialize in whatever field you choose to come out with a major. My interests are all over the place, so I would want to minor in Art, English/Writing, History, Video Game Design, with extra curricular activities involving Art, Movies, Video Games, Medieval Martial Arts (sword fighting, Society for Creative Anachronism and all that jazz), Archery, and Table-top Roleplaying.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that school to me feels and has always felt too restrictive to what I want to do and what I want to learn, and I'm fed up with going through the revolving door that is the US Private Education System, pissing away money for no good reason.

Sooooo here I am taking a semester off, working and making money so I'm not entirely stagnant.

I know how you feel about wanting to take twenty minors (though my own interest in biology, and more specifically botany, has always been fairly solid). Philosophy, Animal behavior, Studio art, Creative writing, Environmental science...

[Chen]

Oh, um, because people in this thread have an interest in my life:

So at my mother's behest I checked out a different college in my area called Ex'pressions college. It seemed ok to me, interesting in many respects. I'm still overall really leery about returning to school right this minute, though I suppose I should finish my education eventually and get some type of degree. Again though, school's been feeling like a revolving door/platform where I've been beating my head against the same exact wall for several years, hence leery.

That's a "for profit" college so I'd definitely look at some third party reviews before getting into anything there. There are a lot of horror stories about those "for profit" colleges, though I imagine not all of them are actually bad.

[Grytorm]

Spoiler: Trigger Warning

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I was wondering about the mental space people exist in before starting various self destructive habits. Sorry if that is a weird question to ask. I am in a poor mental space. And the thought of hurting myself is just staying there in my head. And I am curious about what leads people to that thought.

[dehro]

Spoiler: Trigger Warning

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I was wondering about the mental space people exist in before starting various self destructive habits. Sorry if that is a weird question to ask. I am in a poor mental space. And the thought of hurting myself is just staying there in my head. And I am curious about what leads people to that thought.

By the sounds of it, you're in the position of answering the question better than I ever could. What has led you to it?

[JNAProductions]

Spoiler: Trigger Warning

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I was wondering about the mental space people exist in before starting various self destructive habits. Sorry if that is a weird question to ask. I am in a poor mental space. And the thought of hurting myself is just staying there in my head. And I am curious about what leads people to that thought.

Please don't do anything rash. Think about the people who care about you-family, friends, even us here on the forums. Whyever you're in a poor mental space, it'll pass. Don't do anything that will hurt you in the long-term. (Or even short-term.)

[TechnOkami]

I've encountered an interesting problem.

So, I've been hired by a local super market, and I work five days a week for a total of nine hours (including an hour lunch and two ten minute breaks within) every working day (I get two days off total) with the starting and ending hours being extremely variable due to me stating my extreme availability.

I'm finding that the only two days where I can really sit down and do something fun/relaxing are my off days, and very rarely if I get home from work early on one of the days.

I've never had so much of my life/time dedicated to something like this before, and I was very used to maintaining a strong online presence across multiple sites. It's... odd, because while I'm happy that I'm generating a lot more money more quickly, at the same time all the time I had for fun things which I spent money on has suddenly and very sharply vanished, and I'm really not sure how to feel about it. Like, I still enjoy doing those things a lot... I dunno, I think I'm getting my first strong taste of the life/fulfillment vs work/employment dynamic, and I'm reacting to it with confusion.

[Grytorm]

By the sounds of it, you're in the position of answering the question better than I ever could. What has led you to it?

Oh the same problems I always have. Loneliness and laziness. I just didn't do a paper for one of my classes*, so I dropped it. So I probably need to get a job. The ever lovely sense of ennui and lack of achievement related to both school, friendship and gaming. I am doing better than a few days ago. Just giving up on a class definitely removes a stressor.

*I do think the teacher should take his day to discuss the papers a week before instead of two days before.

[OACSNY97]

Hooray for the new job!

And yes a full time job, especially if there's a longish commute involved will eat your so-called "life." Personally, I think having the financial ability to do something you enjoy but don't have time for most of days, while annoying, leaves a person in as much less desperate and depressing mental state than having the time but not the means.
I choose to think of it in terms of hard work now paying off in chances for comfort and contentment later, but it does mean that I've sharply pared down a lot of things that I enjoy doing in order to do what I _must_ do. (This is also known as hobby time comes out of sleep time.)

Good Luck.

I've encountered an interesting problem.

So, I've been hired by a local super market, and I work five days a week for a total of nine hours (including an hour lunch and two ten minute breaks within) every working day (I get two days off total) with the starting and ending hours being extremely variable due to me stating my extreme availability.

I'm finding that the only two days where I can really sit down and do something fun/relaxing are my off days, and very rarely if I get home from work early on one of the days.

I've never had so much of my life/time dedicated to something like this before, and I was very used to maintaining a strong online presence across multiple sites. It's... odd, because while I'm happy that I'm generating a lot more money more quickly, at the same time all the time I had for fun things which I spent money on has suddenly and very sharply vanished, and I'm really not sure how to feel about it. Like, I still enjoy doing those things a lot... I dunno, I think I'm getting my first strong taste of the life/fulfillment vs work/employment dynamic, and I'm reacting to it with confusion.

[Erberor]

I really don't know what I expect to gain out of this, but here we go. Maybe it'll just be good to write it down, at the very least.

I'm lonely.

I'm very lonely. Lonely due in large part to my own actions.

I've managed to put distance, be it physical or mental, between me and everyone I care about. I don't think I've been entirely truthful with anyone since I had my naivety crushed out of me as I entered middle school 8 years ago. I've withheld my thoughts, my emotions, my objections, and my fears in a desperate attempt to protect myself from the vulnerability that comes with sharing those things. And now, I'm broken.

I have a lot of problems I won't go into here, but I know that to heal I need to open the floodgates and loose the demons that have been tearing me apart for years, but I can't bring myself to do it. I can't bear to tell my parents because when I've told them about my problems they've so often responded by imposing order to try to solve the problem. I can't bear to tell my brother because he's so often dismissed my feelings and ideas as childish. I can't bear to tell my friends because I don't want to drag them into my problems.

Maybe I'm imagining it all. My mind so often creates enormous constructs of thought built out of misconceptions and outright falsehoods that it becomes difficult to tell what really happened from my colored perception of the past.

Regardless, I find myself dawning on the realization that I need to connect with others, if not to pour out my demons then at least to make myself feel like I belong. I want to make new friends and get in touch with old ones, but friendships are difficult to forge and my fears tell me to lock myself in isolation.

...I suppose that what I really want is some reassurance, something to help me find the spark to get out and find new friends. Everything that I've written probably makes it all sound more gloomy than it is, but I know I get really verbose when I'm thinking...

[JNAProductions]

I really don't know what I expect to gain out of this, but here we go. Maybe it'll just be good to write it down, at the very least.

I'm lonely.

I'm very lonely. Lonely due in large part to my own actions.

I've managed to put distance, be it physical or mental, between me and everyone I care about. I don't think I've been entirely truthful with anyone since I had my naivety crushed out of me as I entered middle school 8 years ago. I've withheld my thoughts, my emotions, my objections, and my fears in a desperate attempt to protect myself from the vulnerability that comes with sharing those things. And now, I'm broken.

I have a lot of problems I won't go into here, but I know that to heal I need to open the floodgates and loose the demons that have been tearing me apart for years, but I can't bring myself to do it. I can't bear to tell my parents because when I've told them about my problems they've so often responded by imposing order to try to solve the problem. I can't bear to tell my brother because he's so often dismissed my feelings and ideas as childish. I can't bear to tell my friends because I don't want to drag them into my problems.

Maybe I'm imagining it all. My mind so often creates enormous constructs of thought built out of misconceptions and outright falsehoods that it becomes difficult to tell what really happened from my colored perception of the past.

Regardless, I find myself dawning on the realization that I need to connect with others, if not to pour out my demons then at least to make myself feel like I belong. I want to make new friends and get in touch with old ones, but friendships are difficult to forge and my fears tell me to lock myself in isolation.

...I suppose that what I really want is some reassurance, something to help me find the spark to get out and find new friends. Everything that I've written probably makes it all sound more gloomy than it is, but I know I get really verbose when I'm thinking...

*Hugs. A lot of hugs.*

Send me a PM if you want to talk more about it, but honestly, I'm not sure what to say. I just really hope you're able to connect better with people.

[TechnOkami]

For what my opinion's worth, if you're too nervous about opening up to anyone you feel close to, then my suggestion would be to get a therapist and use them as a "third party" sort of speak, to help you improve your mental state & eventually get to the point where you can open up to others on your own.

[Glass Mouse]

For what my opinion's worth, if you're too nervous about opening up to anyone you feel close to, then my suggestion would be to get a therapist and use them as a "third party" sort of speak, to help you improve your mental state & eventually get to the point where you can open up to others on your own.

Yes to this! When you start opening up, you'll be flailing and angry and scared and messy, and that's totally okay, but it can be much calmer and less scary fo to talk to someone who you aren't that emotionally invested in. If you're studying somewhere, there's probably a counselor on campus. Or start somewhere super low-key like Blah Therapy (disclaimer: I've never tried this one myself) or with PMs to JNAProductions and other forum members with open PM boxes.

Also, *so many hugs to you*

Everything gets bigger and scarier when you bottle it up. I don't doubt that your demons are painful, but opening up is gonna help in itself. Good on you for recognizing that you need to! It is, however, hard when you don't know how to. Opening up, trusting people, making conncetions, those are all habits that you need to built, and you're probably gonna freak out a lot in the beginning (since you have trained yourself to that emotional response). That's not a failing on your end, and you can get through it. The hard part is distinguishing between "this is my trained response" and "this person is actually reacting in a way that's making me feel worse". Identifying one or two persons who can give you an occasional reality check will serve you well. A good therapist is worth their weight in gold here.

You can do it. You deserve trust and love and social safety. It's hard and scary, but totally doable. Best of luck!

[Serpentine]

I've encountered an interesting problem.

So, I've been hired by a local super market, and I work five days a week for a total of nine hours (including an hour lunch and two ten minute breaks within) every working day (I get two days off total) with the starting and ending hours being extremely variable due to me stating my extreme availability.

I'm finding that the only two days where I can really sit down and do something fun/relaxing are my off days, and very rarely if I get home from work early on one of the days.

I've never had so much of my life/time dedicated to something like this before, and I was very used to maintaining a strong online presence across multiple sites. It's... odd, because while I'm happy that I'm generating a lot more money more quickly, at the same time all the time I had for fun things which I spent money on has suddenly and very sharply vanished, and I'm really not sure how to feel about it. Like, I still enjoy doing those things a lot... I dunno, I think I'm getting my first strong taste of the life/fulfillment vs work/employment dynamic, and I'm reacting to it with confusion.

I've recently started doing my first proper fulltime job, and hoo boy, I know exactly what you mean. It is definitely a huge adjustment, one I'm still making. I think part of what you've gotta do is is consciously MAKE time for leisure. Things like committing to a regular activity (LARPing, in my case) and maximising your time around your work. If you're an early riser, you could get stuff done before work (whether getting in some hardcore reading or movie watching, or getting chores out of the way to clear time for fun things later), or if you're a night owl take advantage of nighttime time.
Also, have a good understanding of how much leave allowance you get and use it efficiently.
Another option might be to look at how much you're earning, how much you want, and how much you need, and consider negotiating to cut your hours down slightly. I can't really afford to do that at my current job, but the hours are very flexible so that helps.

[RoyVG]

Spoiler: Length

Show

I really don't know what I expect to gain out of this, but here we go. Maybe it'll just be good to write it down, at the very least.

I'm lonely.

I'm very lonely. Lonely due in large part to my own actions.

I've managed to put distance, be it physical or mental, between me and everyone I care about. I don't think I've been entirely truthful with anyone since I had my naivety crushed out of me as I entered middle school 8 years ago. I've withheld my thoughts, my emotions, my objections, and my fears in a desperate attempt to protect myself from the vulnerability that comes with sharing those things. And now, I'm broken.

I have a lot of problems I won't go into here, but I know that to heal I need to open the floodgates and loose the demons that have been tearing me apart for years, but I can't bring myself to do it. I can't bear to tell my parents because when I've told them about my problems they've so often responded by imposing order to try to solve the problem. I can't bear to tell my brother because he's so often dismissed my feelings and ideas as childish. I can't bear to tell my friends because I don't want to drag them into my problems.

Maybe I'm imagining it all. My mind so often creates enormous constructs of thought built out of misconceptions and outright falsehoods that it becomes difficult to tell what really happened from my colored perception of the past.

Regardless, I find myself dawning on the realization that I need to connect with others, if not to pour out my demons then at least to make myself feel like I belong. I want to make new friends and get in touch with old ones, but friendships are difficult to forge and my fears tell me to lock myself in isolation.

...I suppose that what I really want is some reassurance, something to help me find the spark to get out and find new friends. Everything that I've written probably makes it all sound more gloomy than it is, but I know I get really verbose when I'm thinking...

Many *hugs* to you, I know exactly how you feel. It becomes more difficult to tell anyone. It's not strange seeing it as mental obstruction that you are creating yourself. I'm in this situation myself and it's a horrible thought so I can completely symphatise with you. If it helps, try to find one friend you might be comfortable with telling him/her this problem, and then try to tell them that you are feeling this way. If you cannot get yourself that far, then I agree with other to maybe consult a therapist. Even simply talking to a therapist might be some way to get that pressure away.

[TechnOkami]

I've recently started doing my first proper fulltime job, and hoo boy, I know exactly what you mean. It is definitely a huge adjustment, one I'm still making. I think part of what you've gotta do is is consciously MAKE time for leisure. Things like committing to a regular activity (LARPing, in my case) and maximising your time around your work. If you're an early riser, you could get stuff done before work (whether getting in some hardcore reading or movie watching, or getting chores out of the way to clear time for fun things later), or if you're a night owl take advantage of nighttime time.
Also, have a good understanding of how much leave allowance you get and use it efficiently.
Another option might be to look at how much you're earning, how much you want, and how much you need, and consider negotiating to cut your hours down slightly. I can't really afford to do that at my current job, but the hours are very flexible so that helps.

Mm, I understand in that regard as far as making time for leisure. Every Tuesday and Wednesday in my local area, there's a game store which has D&D 5e sessions, and I try to make those as often as I can. Me playing video games has been utterly replaced with sleep however, which is really sad to me because I'm going to feel really rusty hopping back into the games I play which, in my opinion, require some skill (Bloodborne/League of Legends).

The other annoying bit is that I need a solid 9 or so hours of sleep, or I just don't function, and I'll always be tired throughout the day and dragging my feet.

Also, my last job was a student job working in an office, which was fine I felt, but this job is extreeeeeeeeemely physical (pushing product up front, putting product into the shelves/coolers, pulling product out of a cooler, trying to organize the ninth layer of hell that is that God Forsaken Cooler, handling a full-service counter, making sure there are no empty patches on the shelves), and it has been a learning experience.

I want a day job where all I need to focus on is customer service, because being nice to random people is really easy for me. That or, like, actually get good enough with art or entertaining enough to stream video games on Twitch that I can make money at it.

Blurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

Oh, and I'm living with my mom right now, so all the money I am making is essentially surplus, although living with her basically means either becoming a full-time student, a full-time employee, or half of both, so I don't really have any say in how much I can or can't work.

[PoeticDwarf]

Growing up, I was a very lonely child, most of my childhood I had no friends at all, and desperately wanted some, and was deeply sad about it. These days, I have a good social circle and several close friends and everything is much better. But I think my brain is still taking some time to catch up, and still defaults back to "cripplingly lonely and sad". I just visited a friend who lives in another city (and whom I Skype with frequently), and I had a really great time, but as soon as I left I started feeling incredibly lonely and sad. Hanging out with other friends here is helping, but it's kind of frustrating that I still dip back into that deep despair of "nobody likes me, nobody wants to be with me, I'll never have close friends" when that is so objectively not true.

I really wish traveling to see a friend was just a fun experience, not a couple of weeks of worrying that things are going to terribly wrong (or go great, and then never get to happen again), followed by a great visit (sometimes worrying that this won't happen again), followed by another week of being sad that it's over. It might make more sense if this was a friend that I only get to see once a year or such, but I Skype with them all the time, and they only live a few hours away.

I don't really know if I'm actually looking for advice, just complaining about my brain.

Sad what being lonely can do :(
I don't really have advice and I've always had some friends around me but just want you to know I understand it

[Cristo Meyers]

Mm, I understand in that regard as far as making time for leisure. Every Tuesday and Wednesday in my local area, there's a game store which has D&D 5e sessions, and I try to make those as often as I can. Me playing video games has been utterly replaced with sleep however, which is really sad to me because I'm going to feel really rusty hopping back into the games I play which, in my opinion, require some skill (Bloodborne/League of Legends).

The other annoying bit is that I need a solid 9 or so hours of sleep, or I just don't function, and I'll always be tired throughout the day and dragging my feet.

Also, my last job was a student job working in an office, which was fine I felt, but this job is extreeeeeeeeemely physical (pushing product up front, putting product into the shelves/coolers, pulling product out of a cooler, trying to organize the ninth layer of hell that is that God Forsaken Cooler, handling a full-service counter, making sure there are no empty patches on the shelves), and it has been a learning experience.

I want a day job where all I need to focus on is customer service, because being nice to random people is really easy for me. That or, like, actually get good enough with art or entertaining enough to stream video games on Twitch that I can make money at it.

Blurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

Oh, and I'm living with my mom right now, so all the money I am making is essentially surplus, although living with her basically means either becoming a full-time student, a full-time employee, or half of both, so I don't really have any say in how much I can or can't work.

Sounds like a big problem is just a personality/job mismatch. You've found you perform better in more customer-centric or office-y type jobs but you have a very physical labor-type job. Work is always going to be, well, work, but it gets worse when you're spending that extra effort to get through the day.

It does/can get better, though, much as I hate using that phrase. You're at the bottom of the totem pole at the moment, and with time, experience, and whatnot that can improve. The culture-shock fades as you settle into a routine.

The best thing you can do for yourself, though, is not stop looking. What does advancement look like at this job? Does it coincide with your stated goals (customer-facing, service)? Maybe check and see if there are any temp agencies in the area, just be sure they're office recruiters, some work exclusively with warehouses and the like. They can be a great way to get the experience you need, plus references, and are usually entry-level positions so you can skirt the whole 'need experience to get experience' problem. They're not without their downsides, of course, but you've got to weigh those cons against the cons of your current position.

[Grytorm]

Please don't do anything rash. Think about the people who care about you-family, friends, even us here on the forums. Whyever you're in a poor mental space, it'll pass. Don't do anything that will hurt you in the long-term. (Or even short-term.)

Why would anyone here care about me? I make few posts that provide limited information. I do not participate a huge amount in the various community activities. Furthermore my posting here is somewhat erratic in frequency so how would anyone really know if I was gone. If I did die nobody here would really be able to notice, and in a few months I would be mostly forgotten.

[PoeticDwarf]

Why would anyone here care about me? I make few posts that provide limited information. I do not participate a huge amount in the various community activities. Furthermore my posting here is somewhat erratic in frequency so how would anyone really know if I was gone. If I did die nobody here would really be able to notice, and in a few months I would be mostly forgotten.

EVEN if you would be forgotten on the forum. Doesn't mean that nodody cares. At the end everyone will be forgotten but I'm 100% sure ppl will miss you

[Bulldog Psion]

Ugh. I always hate posting here because everyone else's problems are considerably bigger than mine, and I just feel like a whiner.

Particularly since I know they all stem from incredible stupidity on my part.

But, oh well, I'm going to whine like there's no tomorrow. Spoilering for those who don't want to read about the problems of a jackass who got himself into a lousy situation.

Spoiler: Read at your own peril (or boredom)

Show

Anyway, quick summary of my life up to this point. When I was 15, my parents decided to move to a super-super-super-rural spot in Northern Wisconsin. It's about the most remote spot you could find in the continental U.S.; it's an hour's drive at 65 mph highway speeds from the nearest SMALL city of 8,000 people; for a bigger city, you have to go further.

There are 180 people in this town, of whom like 95% are retirees. There are two businesses, a convenience store owned by a family who only have family members working at the place, and a smoked fish production place that sometimes hires part-time workers (also owned by the convenience store people).

So, I found myself at 15 plunked down here in the middle of nowhere, no experience, no money. For some reason, my parents didn't buy me a junker car even though they were, at that point, sitting on like $80,000 cash following the sale of their old house and the purchase of the new rural one.

So, with no money, no work within walking distance, no friends because I was home-educated, and two families utterly uninterested in assisting a younger member with nothing, I sat for years in the middle of nowhere.

Eventually, my parents started a craft business. A labor-intensive craft business that, at its absolute peak, generated $21,000 per year, of which I saw exactly $0. I worked at that for about 6 years, though, on the promise that when it "took off" I would get paid. Ha, ha.

The craft business fliffed out, my parents retired, and I tried starting a couple of businesses. I tried a craft business of my own but didn't have enough money to go for it. I tried opening a gift shop, which actually broke even the first year, but then my parents' old car, which I was using to get to it, died totally, and I couldn't get to it to run it in order to pay the rent, and that died.

Oh yes, somewhere in the middle here I went to the university, and earned an economics degree. And a big pile of student loan debt.

I got a part-time job at the Post Office, with the postmaster promising me extravagantly that when he retired, I'd be in line for getting the job. Well, that was probably true; I was good at it at, and I was the only local candidate to run it. Then the Post Office decided to close a lot of its small branches, and I was out on my ear, while the postmaster was transferred to a better-paying job elsewhere. Have fun, Bulldog!

So, I finally got on the Internet, and started freelance writing. Lo and behold, I made an income! I've been making an income for like 6 years now. Two years ago, I bought my first vehicle ever, a 2001 Pontiac Montana that I'm still driving. Love vans now, too.

Anyway, I met a lady from Kazakhstan online during those years, and then in person, and we got married. Stupid, stupid me. As it turns out, without going into a huge detail, we like each other and wish each other well, but we're majorly culturally incompatible. However, this whole process -- getting her immigration papers, etc., visiting her, etc. -- cost a large amount of money.

So, the idea was that my parents would fix up the upper floor of their house for us to live in rent-free, while I built up enough money to get an apartment or maybe even put a down payment on a small house for us. Sounds cozy, doesn't it?

And this is where hell started.

I stayed overseas and then at a friend's place for 9 months with my wife to give my parents time to fix up the upstairs for us to use. They assured me that they were working on it hugely, that was a "cute little apartment" and we'd love it, blah blah.

And we got there. And the place wasn't fixed up. There was no running water upstairs. The electricity was so bad you couldn't run a microwave and a lightbulb at the same time. The windows were in such disrepair that floods of insects rolled in every night, attracted by the light, despite my desperate efforts to keep them out with rolls and rolls of tape. Heck, when we got there, there was a thick layer of dust on everything, and the windows were full of piles of dead flies. It was the opposite of the welcome wagon: it was a total rat-hole whose every inch shouted that the two people giving us this spot to live could give a **** less about us.

And then, when it upset my wife and she cried about the situation -- then it was on it. Pure hatred directed at her by my mother, though my dad kind of stayed aloof. From that moment on, it was pure hell living in that house.

The conditions were utterly unspeakable; I had literally no money left after rattling around for 9 months, including paying my friend rent (it wasn't a huge amount, but it still was an amount), buying tickets for my wife and me to fly to the U.S., and so on and so forth. And the immigration papers aren't free, either.

And every time my wife didn't like something, it was the frickin' end of the world. My mother went into Enraged Valkyrie mode and the house was misery from end to end. And if I complained about something, my mother didn't get mad at me -- she took it out on my wife, because that "evil woman is putting my poor little boy up to these groundless complaints."

Every day living there was a struggle and a misery. The "apartment" was so inconvenient that it interfered with my freelancing, because the smallest task took a loooong time. When the nearest running water is downstairs, in a space occupied by hostile people, it becomes a real misery to wash your hands. Or use the toilet. Or cook. Or clean. Or drink.

Finally, I got the money together for rent and we bailed to a new location, where we're now living.

At the moment, I've been trying to get together the money to get my wife back to Kazakhstan, where she wants to go, for over a year, and I've got about half of it saved.

Now, considering the obstacles, I haven't done too badly, even though freelancing doesn't pay hugely. We make rent, we have food, I keep my car running, and our old, broken-down computers haven't died yet, thankfully. Since I need a computer to work.

I've got a small business plan based on the freelancing, which I think has a decent chance of turning a profit. But I need around $5K to start it, $10K would be be better.

And now we come back to the wonders of Family. My parents own a tract of forested land worth about $25K. There's a guy who wants to buy it for a hunting cabin because there are a LOT of deer living in that area.

My parents always assured me this land was "mine" and they would just hold onto it for me until it was needed.

Well, I asked them to sell the land and gift me and me wife the proceeds. And it turns out the land is "mine" as long as I build a house on it and live there (though they'll keep the deed). But sell it for me so that I can get the screaming bills off my back, such as unpaid medical bills, or fix up my car a little, or get my wife back home, or try starting my business? Ha, ha, forget it, buddy. That eeeeeevil woman must be putting you up to it! How we hate her!!!!!!

So, at the moment, I'm in a real cleft stick in a way. I can live at a subsistence level anyway; I'll probably put together the money to get my wife back to Kazakhstan by this summer. She and I are planning on an amicable, though rather regretful, divorce; we like each other, as noted, just that we're ill-suited to one another. And that's pretty tragic, in a way, but I'm not here to shed a tear over that; that's just how life is sometimes.

But I'm still furious that that money is sitting there in that land, which they are doing absolutely nothing with other than letting it sit there forever -- that money could spare me a whole lot of misery, and the fact that it's sitting there taunting me and is out of reach because, frankly, my parents have to remain in control rather than recognizing me as a frickin' adult, is really maddening. "It's yours -- but you can't use it the way you want and need to, only the way we want it" really makes me see red, especially every time I have problems with money, which is like an every-other-day occurrence. I'm struggling, and this thing that was promised to me is being held out of reach.

And it ticks me off incredibly that they handed us an utterly unlivable situation, and then blamed my wife for not liking it. With actual, venomous hatred. And I get treated to a verbal hatefest if I mention anything about that land, etc. etc., when talking to them.

Once I get my wife back to Kazakhstan and we divorce, I'm not sure what to do. I don't like to be mad at my parents, I remember good times from years ago, and my wife doesn't want me to be mad at them either (she's the forgiving type -- I'm not).

Their idea is for me to come live with them so I don't need to pay rent, and can build up some money and then move where I want to and try starting my business idea. But I don't know if I can stomach seeing them and hearing them ragging on my (by-then-ex-)wife, who I like and respect even if we're not meant to build a life together.

It really, really bothers me that they dump everything on my wife, insult her, run her down, and use any independent thought of mine to "blame" her for "corrupting" me. It's pretty insulting to me, also, that they assume the reason I might not agree with them 100% on everything -- particularly what I do with my life -- is that I'm being controlled like a zombie by my wife. Particularly since I think their actions have been pretty controlling as well. Heck, even the idea that they're so sensible that I'd reach exactly the same conclusions about what to do with myself as they do, is pretty controlling.

So, what am I going to do? Continue living in a hand-to-mouth way and never have the opportunity to try for my business idea, because I can't save enough money to do it?

Or do I go live with a couple of people who I can't stand at the moment, whose actions I feel deeply offended by, and who have the condescending attitude that I'm only in my right mind (just about literally) when I agree 100% with their viewpoint, so that I can eventually save the money to attempt to earn a better income with my idea?

Neither solution is too appealing. Though at the moment, I'm kind of thinking #1 is better, since at least my adrenaline won't go through the roof hearing them run down my wife.

Am I just being snooty here and unfair to my parents? Or did they really dump a load of garbage on me and my wife, then get offended that we didn't like the trash accommodations they offered, then insult me by saying that my choice to do something (like sell property allegedly mine to get out of financial difficulties) is because I'm a cipher who is being puppeteered by my wife, and is it really unfair of them to hate her because I choose to disagree with them on some things?

Ugggghhhhhh, what a situation. What an idiot I am.

[Cristo Meyers]

Ugh. I always hate posting here because everyone else's problems are considerably bigger than mine, and I just feel like a whiner.

Particularly since I know they all stem from incredible stupidity on my part.

But, oh well, I'm going to whine like there's no tomorrow. Spoilering for those who don't want to read about the problems of a jackass who got himself into a lousy situation.

Spoiler: Read at your own peril (or boredom)

Show

Anyway, quick summary of my life up to this point. When I was 15, my parents decided to move to a super-super-super-rural spot in Northern Wisconsin. It's about the most remote spot you could find in the continental U.S.; it's an hour's drive at 65 mph highway speeds from the nearest SMALL city of 8,000 people; for a bigger city, you have to go further.

There are 180 people in this town, of whom like 95% are retirees. There are two businesses, a convenience store owned by a family who only have family members working at the place, and a smoked fish production place that sometimes hires part-time workers (also owned by the convenience store people).

So, I found myself at 15 plunked down here in the middle of nowhere, no experience, no money. For some reason, my parents didn't buy me a junker car even though they were, at that point, sitting on like $80,000 cash following the sale of their old house and the purchase of the new rural one.

So, with no money, no work within walking distance, no friends because I was home-educated, and two families utterly uninterested in assisting a younger member with nothing, I sat for years in the middle of nowhere.

Eventually, my parents started a craft business. A labor-intensive craft business that, at its absolute peak, generated $21,000 per year, of which I saw exactly $0. I worked at that for about 6 years, though, on the promise that when it "took off" I would get paid. Ha, ha.

The craft business fliffed out, my parents retired, and I tried starting a couple of businesses. I tried a craft business of my own but didn't have enough money to go for it. I tried opening a gift shop, which actually broke even the first year, but then my parents' old car, which I was using to get to it, died totally, and I couldn't get to it to run it in order to pay the rent, and that died.

Oh yes, somewhere in the middle here I went to the university, and earned an economics degree. And a big pile of student loan debt.

I got a part-time job at the Post Office, with the postmaster promising me extravagantly that when he retired, I'd be in line for getting the job. Well, that was probably true; I was good at it at, and I was the only local candidate to run it. Then the Post Office decided to close a lot of its small branches, and I was out on my ear, while the postmaster was transferred to a better-paying job elsewhere. Have fun, Bulldog!

So, I finally got on the Internet, and started freelance writing. Lo and behold, I made an income! I've been making an income for like 6 years now. Two years ago, I bought my first vehicle ever, a 2001 Pontiac Montana that I'm still driving. Love vans now, too.

Anyway, I met a lady from Kazakhstan online during those years, and then in person, and we got married. Stupid, stupid me. As it turns out, without going into a huge detail, we like each other and wish each other well, but we're majorly culturally incompatible. However, this whole process -- getting her immigration papers, etc., visiting her, etc. -- cost a large amount of money.

So, the idea was that my parents would fix up the upper floor of their house for us to live in rent-free, while I built up enough money to get an apartment or maybe even put a down payment on a small house for us. Sounds cozy, doesn't it?

And this is where hell started.

I stayed overseas and then at a friend's place for 9 months with my wife to give my parents time to fix up the upstairs for us to use. They assured me that they were working on it hugely, that was a "cute little apartment" and we'd love it, blah blah.

And we got there. And the place wasn't fixed up. There was no running water upstairs. The electricity was so bad you couldn't run a microwave and a lightbulb at the same time. The windows were in such disrepair that floods of insects rolled in every night, attracted by the light, despite my desperate efforts to keep them out with rolls and rolls of tape. Heck, when we got there, there was a thick layer of dust on everything, and the windows were full of piles of dead flies. It was the opposite of the welcome wagon: it was a total rat-hole whose every inch shouted that the two people giving us this spot to live could give a **** less about us.

And then, when it upset my wife and she cried about the situation -- then it was on it. Pure hatred directed at her by my mother, though my dad kind of stayed aloof. From that moment on, it was pure hell living in that house.

The conditions were utterly unspeakable; I had literally no money left after rattling around for 9 months, including paying my friend rent (it wasn't a huge amount, but it still was an amount), buying tickets for my wife and me to fly to the U.S., and so on and so forth. And the immigration papers aren't free, either.

And every time my wife didn't like something, it was the frickin' end of the world. My mother went into Enraged Valkyrie mode and the house was misery from end to end. And if I complained about something, my mother didn't get mad at me -- she took it out on my wife, because that "evil woman is putting my poor little boy up to these groundless complaints."

Every day living there was a struggle and a misery. The "apartment" was so inconvenient that it interfered with my freelancing, because the smallest task took a loooong time. When the nearest running water is downstairs, in a space occupied by hostile people, it becomes a real misery to wash your hands. Or use the toilet. Or cook. Or clean. Or drink.

Finally, I got the money together for rent and we bailed to a new location, where we're now living.

At the moment, I've been trying to get together the money to get my wife back to Kazakhstan, where she wants to go, for over a year, and I've got about half of it saved.

Now, considering the obstacles, I haven't done too badly, even though freelancing doesn't pay hugely. We make rent, we have food, I keep my car running, and our old, broken-down computers haven't died yet, thankfully. Since I need a computer to work.

I've got a small business plan based on the freelancing, which I think has a decent chance of turning a profit. But I need around $5K to start it, $10K would be be better.

And now we come back to the wonders of Family. My parents own a tract of forested land worth about $25K. There's a guy who wants to buy it for a hunting cabin because there are a LOT of deer living in that area.

My parents always assured me this land was "mine" and they would just hold onto it for me until it was needed.

Well, I asked them to sell the land and gift me and me wife the proceeds. And it turns out the land is "mine" as long as I build a house on it and live there (though they'll keep the deed). But sell it for me so that I can get the screaming bills off my back, such as unpaid medical bills, or fix up my car a little, or get my wife back home, or try starting my business? Ha, ha, forget it, buddy. That eeeeeevil woman must be putting you up to it! How we hate her!!!!!!

So, at the moment, I'm in a real cleft stick in a way. I can live at a subsistence level anyway; I'll probably put together the money to get my wife back to Kazakhstan by this summer. She and I are planning on an amicable, though rather regretful, divorce; we like each other, as noted, just that we're ill-suited to one another. And that's pretty tragic, in a way, but I'm not here to shed a tear over that; that's just how life is sometimes.

But I'm still furious that that money is sitting there in that land, which they are doing absolutely nothing with other than letting it sit there forever -- that money could spare me a whole lot of misery, and the fact that it's sitting there taunting me and is out of reach because, frankly, my parents have to remain in control rather than recognizing me as a frickin' adult, is really maddening. "It's yours -- but you can't use it the way you want and need to, only the way we want it" really makes me see red, especially every time I have problems with money, which is like an every-other-day occurrence. I'm struggling, and this thing that was promised to me is being held out of reach.

And it ticks me off incredibly that they handed us an utterly unlivable situation, and then blamed my wife for not liking it. With actual, venomous hatred. And I get treated to a verbal hatefest if I mention anything about that land, etc. etc., when talking to them.

Once I get my wife back to Kazakhstan and we divorce, I'm not sure what to do. I don't like to be mad at my parents, I remember good times from years ago, and my wife doesn't want me to be mad at them either (she's the forgiving type -- I'm not).

Their idea is for me to come live with them so I don't need to pay rent, and can build up some money and then move where I want to and try starting my business idea. But I don't know if I can stomach seeing them and hearing them ragging on my (by-then-ex-)wife, who I like and respect even if we're not meant to build a life together.

It really, really bothers me that they dump everything on my wife, insult her, run her down, and use any independent thought of mine to "blame" her for "corrupting" me. It's pretty insulting to me, also, that they assume the reason I might not agree with them 100% on everything -- particularly what I do with my life -- is that I'm being controlled like a zombie by my wife. Particularly since I think their actions have been pretty controlling as well. Heck, even the idea that they're so sensible that I'd reach exactly the same conclusions about what to do with myself as they do, is pretty controlling.

So, what am I going to do? Continue living in a hand-to-mouth way and never have the opportunity to try for my business idea, because I can't save enough money to do it?

Or do I go live with a couple of people who I can't stand at the moment, whose actions I feel deeply offended by, and who have the condescending attitude that I'm only in my right mind (just about literally) when I agree 100% with their viewpoint, so that I can eventually save the money to attempt to earn a better income with my idea?

Neither solution is too appealing. Though at the moment, I'm kind of thinking #1 is better, since at least my adrenaline won't go through the roof hearing them run down my wife.

Am I just being snooty here and unfair to my parents? Or did they really dump a load of garbage on me and my wife, then get offended that we didn't like the trash accommodations they offered, then insult me by saying that my choice to do something (like sell property allegedly mine to get out of financial difficulties) is because I'm a cipher who is being puppeteered by my wife, and is it really unfair of them to hate her because I choose to disagree with them on some things?

Ugggghhhhhh, what a situation. What an idiot I am.

I... holy crap.

I'll start with this: you're not being unfair.

As crappy as it is, at least you've pretty good handle on all the pros and cons going on. For what it's worth, I don't think moving in with your folks is the answer either. They sound either A) very controlling and thoughtless or B) just completely freaking clueless. Neither makes for a good situation. I don't think you're being unfair to them at all. There's a lot lot of stuff going on here that if it were me I know I'd be holding against them: the whole apartment thing, the constant simultaneous belittling of you and someone you care very much about, the whole land thing, yeesh. They're being ridiculously unfair to you. I don't think I'd be on speaking terms with them, were it me.

I'm going to assume you thought of kickstarter, if only because I remember a similar post from you in the past. I'm really loathe to recommend a business loan, though I do think you're selling yourself a little short. You've managed to save up enough to buy someone transport to Kazakhstan, surely those same methods can help here?

In the words of my favorite anti-depressant: Don't ever stop fighting for your right to be happy.

[dehro]

Ugh. I always hate posting here because everyone else's problems are considerably bigger than mine, and I just feel like a whiner.

Particularly since I know they all stem from incredible stupidity on my part.

But, oh well, I'm going to whine like there's no tomorrow. Spoilering for those who don't want to read about the problems of a jackass who got himself into a lousy situation.

Spoiler: Read at your own peril (or boredom)

Show

Stuff

Are you as articulate when you talk to your parents about the things? Is a reasonable conversation possible at all? If not, you're a writer.. Write these things down more or less as you did here. Come up with a convincing exposition of your plan to start a business that would justify and make that sale inevitable and a positive thing. Explain to them how they have been holding you back and are making your life impossible. Don't mention your wife in this exposition. Also, I'd think of excluding your mother from this project. From your words it seems that your father would be more amenable to seeing you as an adult and giving you a chance. Use him to smooth things with your mother.
By the sound of it, he might be interested in finding something that at least partially takes him out of his forced retirement. Consider involving him however marginally. It may just give him motivation enough to put his foot down with your mother and take your side door once.
Don't play the blame game in that letter.
Be propositive but firm.
Decisive but fair.
If that doesn't work, forget about that bit of land and resign yourself to the fact that you got dealt a crap hand, parents-wise and you'll have to try getting things off the ground on your own steam. Consider a kickstarter sort of deal.