Personal Woes and Advice 2

[Sholos]

We have a cat on the property that is terrorizing our feral colony. He's already attacked one of our house cats and injured him enough to require a trip to the vet and we're pretty sure he's attacked one of our ferals and injured him as well. It's bad enough that a cat that has spent a year or so outside actually came up to my mother and got into her lap. That hasn't happened before. We're going to try to trap him, but is it wrong if I really just want to get someone with a gun out here to kill him?

[dehro]

little bit, yeah..the cat's just doing what comes natural to it. most likely not his fault...so if there are other options, they should get precedence.

[Sholos]

The real concern is not being able to trap him before he kills one of the other cats. Not to mention the daily stress he seems to be putting them in. It is really not a good situation. If I knew for certain that we could trap him and make him much less hostile before anything bad happened to anyone else, I'd be all for it. Problem is I'm not sure that's the case.

[Serpentine]

Sounds like one hardcore kitty. What do you mean by feral colony?
I don't think it would be wrong for you to get someone to shoot it if it's a feral animal, dangerous, and not owned by anyone. But that's part of why I think it's so commendable that you're trying to catch and tame it, instead. If you do manage that, desexing can certainly help, and relocation could be an option.
(If you were in Australia, you wouldn't be allowed to just let a feral cat go. You would be legally obliged to shoot it if you have the permits and skill or have it killed, or get animal control services to deal with it one way or another)

[WarKitty]

Sounds like one hardcore kitty. What do you mean by feral colony?
I don't think it would be wrong for you to get someone to shoot it if it's a feral animal, dangerous, and not owned by anyone. But that's part of why I think it's so commendable that you're trying to catch and tame it, instead. If you do manage that, desexing can certainly help, and relocation could be an option.
(If you were in Australia, you wouldn't be allowed to just let a feral cat go. You would be legally obliged to shoot it if you have the permits and skill or have it killed, or get animal control services to deal with it one way or another)

Typically a feral cat colony is a place for cats that aren't deemed adoptable. They get food and shelter provided, and generally they'll be trapped and fixed so they don't produce more feral cats. A lot of places will clip the tip of an ear to mark that.

[Coidzor]

I hope there's no rabies involved and that you can trap, scare off, or otherwise neutralize the destabilizing influence of that feline critter soon.



ION:

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I'm beginning to suspect that I either have far too high of a standard for what qualifies as a meaningful human relationship or that the part of my brain that regulates them is broken.

It often feels like most of my relationships are predicated upon permutations of superficial things like crushes that never developed or finding someone amusing & pleasant to be around initially and then raw inertia keeping us interacting because we enjoyed one another's company more than we wanted to claw one another's eyes out. Like friendship is just another habit or something.

Even around my family I mostly just feel nothing. Even when I shifted how I was holding Coalzor on my shoulder and he accidentally smacked into the bottom of the ceiling fan, I mostly just felt embarrassed at my height/that I forgot about the ceiling fan rather than any kind of concern or worry that I'd broken the baby, which at least seems like it's the expected, healthy response.

[Sholos]

Typically a feral cat colony is a place for cats that aren't deemed adoptable. They get food and shelter provided, and generally they'll be trapped and fixed so they don't produce more feral cats. A lot of places will clip the tip of an ear to mark that.

Exactly this. We kind of inherited the colony when it was sitting at around 12 or 13 cats and trapped them over the course of a year or so. We're down to 6 or so now, but this guy is new.

I hope there's no rabies involved and that you can trap, scare off, or otherwise neutralize the destabilizing influence of that feline critter soon.

Well he's been around for a few months now, so we don't feel rabies is what's going on since he still looks healthy. Solution seems to be trapping. I'm mostly just venting because I'm angry that our non-problematic cats are getting beat up on.

ION:

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I'm beginning to suspect that I either have far too high of a standard for what qualifies as a meaningful human relationship or that the part of my brain that regulates them is broken.

It often feels like most of my relationships are predicated upon permutations of superficial things like crushes that never developed or finding someone amusing & pleasant to be around initially and then raw inertia keeping us interacting because we enjoyed one another's company more than we wanted to claw one another's eyes out. Like friendship is just another habit or something.

Even around my family I mostly just feel nothing. Even when I shifted how I was holding Coalzor on my shoulder and he accidentally smacked into the bottom of the ceiling fan, I mostly just felt embarrassed at my height/that I forgot about the ceiling fan rather than any kind of concern or worry that I'd broken the baby, which at least seems like it's the expected, healthy response.

I feel the same way about some of mine. I never really got the hang of having friends and I'm the absolute last person anyone goes to when they're feeling bad. Or talkative. Or social. Which leads to me often not hearing from anyone for weeks or months at a time, even though I occasionally reach out towards them. I wish I knew how to be a better person so people would want to be around me and interact with me more. In your case... I don't know, maybe practicing reacting to things in the "appropriate" manner until it becomes reflex?

[Skeppio]

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I thought I was better, but I'm worse than ever.
I'm going to die alone. It's fact. It's unavoidable. There's no outlets for me to meet people. And I don't care about that common advice of "you have to love yourself before you should find someone". I do. I like myself just fine. And you know what? I still can't stand being alone!

There is someone who makes me feel happy and loved. But they live overseas. I don't have the cash to move over there, or even go visit. And I'm not even eligable to emigrate there, I've checked. So that's not gonna happen. Pity no-one else on the planet makes me feel even a tenth as happy as I do when I'm talking to this person.

I wish I was dead. Dead people never have to worry, or lose sleep, or feel worse because they can't even ****ing cry.

[Sabeki]

Skeppio, everyone has funks. We a all do. This is something my Mom had me do when I was younger: Right down everything people tell you you are good at. Right down everything you think you deserve. And then let people tell you how much you have to live for. Because just because you fall into one mood, one little bout of depression, stop you from living, than nothings gotten better. If you die, we all mourn. We all feel your loss on the inside, we all feel the pain you have gone through. I know you can go through this because I have gone through this. Stay strong.

[Skeppio]

Skeppio, everyone has funks. We a all do. This is something my Mom had me do when I was younger: Right down everything people tell you you are good at. Right down everything you think you deserve. And then let people tell you how much you have to live for.

I did, ages ago. None of it was true, just crap that people said to make me feel better. None of it helped me get anywhere but where i am now.

Because just because you fall into one mood, one little bout of depression, stop you from living, than nothings gotten better. If you die, we all mourn. We all feel your loss on the inside, we all feel the pain you have gone through. I know you can go through this because I have gone through this. Stay strong.

If I die, nothing else matters because I'll be dead. Free from all of this misery. I wouldn't be alive to see or hear anyone mourn anyway.
Why should I keep living when it's always going to be like this? If people care so much about me, why do they insist I prolong this suffering?

[Sabeki]

Everyone suffers. I don't want to pull this card (Because I hate having it pulled on me) but do you think this is suffering? This isn't anything compared to what other people who had the bad luck of being born somewhere else have suffered through. They keep going. They go on, they live, even if they suffer, because when someone tells you that they want you to live, it means that they care for you. I don't off myself when my arm is broken or I feel pain or feel like no one likes me and I've never been honest with my friends because I know that if I die I will never see if I will heal or if it gets better or if someone does like me and I come clean to my friends. Life gets better, life gets worse, and it gets better again.

[Skeppio]

Everyone suffers. I don't want to pull this card (Because I hate having it pulled on me) but do you think this is suffering? This isn't anything compared to what other people who had the bad luck of being born somewhere else have suffered through. They keep going. They go on, they live, even if they suffer, because when someone tells you that they want you to live, it means that they care for you. I don't off myself when my arm is broken or I feel pain or feel like no one likes me and I've never been honest with my friends because I know that if I die I will never see if I will heal or if it gets better or if someone does like me and I come clean to my friends. Life gets better, life gets worse, and it gets better again.

Yeah, I hate having that card pulled on me, too.
What's more "fun" is when people tell me my problems are legitimate complaints, then turn around and pull the "you think this is suffering?". And no, I don't. But when I say it's nothing, people say it is a legit problem. When I do complain as though it's a legit problem, people tell me it's not. Stop giving me mixed messages! :smallfurious

As for the rest, maybe you're just stronger than me. Maybe we have different values that we put on things. *shrug*
Point is, I know this isn't gonna change. Seriously, I've tried everything over and over again. Then people will give me conflicting messages on how to deal with my problems.

...i'm sorry. I just can't stand this feeling being called nothing. If it's nothing, why does it make me wish I was dead?

[Sabeki]

I'm not stronger then you. I'm pathetic. I lie and I cheat. I'm a con man and a bastard and a their. I've tried to kill people. I work hard to keep up a facade of evil and hatred and every day it tears me apart. Me living is the only way I keep myself alive, the lie I call hope is what allows me to sale into tomorrow. I could stop breathing, but I'm too selfish to stop. I am worse than you, because I have embraced my evils and live with them and treat them like my friends.

[HalfTangible]

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I thought I was better, but I'm worse than ever.
I'm going to die alone. It's fact. It's unavoidable. There's no outlets for me to meet people. And I don't care about that common advice of "you have to love yourself before you should find someone". I do. I like myself just fine. And you know what? I still can't stand being alone!

There is someone who makes me feel happy and loved. But they live overseas. I don't have the cash to move over there, or even go visit. And I'm not even eligable to emigrate there, I've checked. So that's not gonna happen. Pity no-one else on the planet makes me feel even a tenth as happy as I do when I'm talking to this person.

I wish I was dead. Dead people never have to worry, or lose sleep, or feel worse because they can't even ****ing cry.

The dead are never happy, either. The dead never smile, or laugh, or see anyone else doing so, or even get to look back on happier times. And the irony is that, by definition, depression will get worse when you eventually die because you will feel even less.

Yes, your concerns are real but dieing will not solve any of them. They'll just become physically impossible to fix.

[Skeppio]

The dead are never happy, either. The dead never smile, or laugh, or get up in the morning. And the irony is that, by definition, depression will get worse when you eventually die because you will feel even less.

They feel nothing at all. A zero-point on the scale of sad to happy. And that's far better than what I'm feeling right now.

Yes, your concerns are real but dieing will not solve any of them.

Being alive doesn't give me many options either. At least dying means there's an end. A point where I can just rest and not worry about it anymore.

[The Succubus]

I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to think about it for at least 10 minutes before replying.

What do you want?

For the purposes of this exercise, being allowed to die is not an option. I would like you to tell me, in detail, what you want from the world.

[Skeppio]

I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to think about it for at least 10 minutes before replying.

What do you want?

For the purposes of this exercise, being allowed to die is not an option. I would like you to tell me, in detail, what you want from the world.

What do I want? I want to be able to leave this country and go live elsewhere, where the people I feel happiest around live.
I also want to become a girl, like I should have always been.
And mainly...i just don't want to be alone. I want to love, and have the love of, someone like me who I can talk to and not worry about saying something that makes them go "o_O". It's....hard to explain without sounding really dumb.

[Mx.Silver]

I wouldn't be alive to see or hear anyone mourn anyway.

Sorry to question this, but the implication here is that you're only concerned about their suffering if it directly effects you, and that seems like an odd position to take for someone who is really upset about being socially isolated. Bereavement is rough on people, and in the case of suicides it tends to be even harsher, because it leads to a lot of self-blame.

There is someone who makes me feel happy and loved. But they live overseas. I don't have the cash to move over there, or even go visit.

Yet. This one is actually solvable, since really it's just a question of saving-up the cash for a visit.
Get some money coming in and put it in a travel fund. Family out of idea for birthday/christmas presents? Ask them to chip in on some of the costs. Yeah, you may not be able to go there right now, but it's an entirely reasonable goal and working towards it may well help you deal with some of the other stuff going on in your life.

[Skeppio]

Sorry to question this, but the implication here is that you're only concerned about their suffering if it directly effects you, and that seems like an odd position to take for someone who is really upset about being socially isolated. Bereavement is rough on people, and in the case of suicides it tends to be even harsher, because it leads to a lot of self-blame.


Yet. This one is actually solvable, since really it's just a question of saving-up the cash for a visit.
Get some money coming in and put it in a travel fund. Family out of idea for birthday/christmas presents? Ask them to chip in on some of the costs. Yeah, you may not be able to go there right now, but it's an entirely reasonable goal and working towards it may well help you deal with some of the other stuff going on in your life.

I was hoping that they'd either be happy that I'm no longer miserable, or that they'd be happier without me there to bring their moods down any more.

And its a lot of money. Not to mention explaining to my parents why I suddenly want to travel halfway across the globe, far further than I've ever gone in my life.
Ugh, its even sadder because the person I want to see is house-sitting on their own for the next few weeks. If I was closer, or if I had more time to prepare, I could be there to keep them company. God, I'm useless.

Plus of course, visits and holidays have to end. I can't avoid going back to reality forever.

[HalfTangible]

They feel nothing at all. A zero-point on the scale of sad to happy. And that's far better than what I'm feeling right now.

Zero-scale would be 'content'. Misery is a lack of stimulation mixed with a lack of happiness. Death lacks both.

Being alive doesn't give me many options either. At least dying means there's an end. A point where I can just rest and not worry about it anymore.

A) You have more options alive than you do dead.
B) There's no rest for the dead. They don't get to sleep for eternity, they get to be turned into a unthinking bag of meat. (unless you believe in an afterlife, but I don't want to assume)
C) The whole reason rest is supposed to be good is that you wake up restful. Rest itself is slow, miserable and boring.

[The Succubus]

What do I want? I want to be able to leave this country and go live elsewhere, where the people I feel happiest around live.
I also want to become a girl, like I should have always been.
And mainly...i just don't want to be alone. I want to love, and have the love of, someone like me who I can talk to and not worry about saying something that makes them go "o_O". It's....hard to explain without sounding really dumb.

Now this stuff....this is the makings of a good plan for the rest of your life. There's long term goals here but there's also short term goals you can achieve fairly quickly as well.

The best bit? You've already achieved one of them already. If you identify, in your heart/soul/collection of neurons as a girl, then a girl you are, Skeppio. Everything else is just working on presentation. I know from a couple of friends of mine that transitioning doesn't happen over night...but there are small changes you can make in the right direction. All it takes is just a small amount of courage. Ask in the LGBT thread about small things you can do to connect with your femininity - it might be wearing a particular fragrance, styling your hair a certain way, or maybe just wearing a certain type of nail polish.

The best bit? You can do this in the privacy of your own room of an evening. Experiment a bit and see how it makes you feel. Not looking in a mirror but instead try some of the things I mentioned, close your eyes and reach inside. Does it feel right? Do you feel slightly better? Analyse your own feelings, rather than letting them overwhelm you. If it feels good, embrace it! If it doesn't feel quite right, maybe you need to try something different. Experiment with yourself. Once you start to feel secure, then you can work on stepping outside...but one step at a time, right?

The bit about not being alone...I won't lie, that's a toughie. I'm still working on that one myself, given that 95% of my friends are online, although I do occasionally meet them in real space. It's a lot easier to say "oh, go to clubs and meet with people that have the same interest as you" than it is to actually go somewhere you've never been before and meet a bunch of entire strangers. There's something of a shy side to you, Skeppio - maybe it's part of your femininity that you need to explore. I also know that you can be very aggresive when you're angry but then very very contrite afterwards about lashing out and that you tend to alternate between the two very quickly. That's what's catching people off guard, I think. I won't be the drum about seeing a therapist about stuff like this but they'd be far more qualified than anyone in here to help with that sort of stuff.

I think, with you, the anger is something of a defence mechanism. It's worked in the past for you as a way of keeping away folks you don't like but you need to develop alternative mental defences as well. Arrogance is a bad thing, true but it can be a useful way to develop confidence as well. When someone says something hurtful to you, your goto response is to attack. Instead, you need to turn that anger in another direction. Tell yourself instead "This person knows jack, *I* know what's good for me. *I* can do this. *I* will do this."

This will help but you need to use it carefully though. Sometimes a friend will say something hurtful to you, even if the advice is well intentioned. So you need to know when to let that mental barrier down, just a little. That said, arrogance is somewhat easier to deal with than angry raging, so it might be slightly easier to work on.

I'm not too sure about the emigrating stuff yet but I hope some of the other advice above will help you a little.

[Archpaladin Zousha]

Okay, no family strife triggered this. No major life events. I've just gotten a lot of negative feelings about how my life is right now and the direction it's going in.

I'm 25 years old, and unlike the majority of my peers from high school, I do not have a driver's license. I've taken the test twice and failed both times due to my anxiety over the stringent nature of the exam. One mistake and I fail. And I feel that no matter how many times I try, I will continue to fail, because I have a consistent history of making mistakes while driving, of getting distracted, usually by talking with someone (not on my phone, but someone sitting next to me in the front seat). What makes this even more pathetic is that I feel I need someone sitting in the front seat talking to me to help me remain alert so I avoid making said mistakes. Even if I were to GET my license this would still be a problem.

I have a Bachelor of Arts in English Literature, that I'm currently not using in my career. I've been employed at a restaurant for over a year now, and while I'm well liked by customers and staff, it makes me feel like my entire college education, four years of hard work, four years of "blood, toil, tears and sweat" (Winston Churchill), have been wasted and I'm thousands of dollars in debt thanks to student loans, money I'll never be able to repay with my restaurant job without basically giving up all non-essential spending, my hobbies and joys. I had a job that utilized my degree, working as a reading tutor, but my haphazard way of organization and easy distraction due to boredom got me fired from that job after about 9 months of work and a pair of probations. It's something that fills me with shame and makes me question whether my entire education, for something I ended up being incompetent at, means I should have not bothered with college because I was told I needed a degree to get a good job.

I've only had one significant romantic relationship in my life, and that relationship was more like a childish crush on both sides of the equation. Both of us were on the autism spectrum, and I broke off the relationship when I realized we didn't really know what we were doing and that I was to immature and irresponsible emotionally to truly love the person. I was too selfish. And I feel I still am. I have a large collection of "me stuff" and I don't really have the will to give any of those things up to welcome in the interests and needs of someone else. I also feel that, despite my feelings of attraction to women, it would be wrong to pursue some sort of physical relationship without that emotional commitment to another person. I'm not coming from this from a perspective of faith, or a ban on intimacy prior to a legal declaration of commitment, but rather believe that if I want a physical relationship with a woman, I need to respect them as a human being and not treat them like an object for my gratification. My interest in a body-type outside the normal values of dating society at large also I feel mark me as a freak.

I don't really have any ambitions or goals in life other than relative comfort. My "bucket list," as it were, largely consists of video games I want to finish playing now that I've re-installed them on a new computer, or Pathfinder Adventure Paths I want to play through. I've traveled overseas in the past, but now have no real desire to go anywhere even outside my own state. The most I want to travel is to the major cities a half-hour away from my hometown because there's no stores in my own hometown worth shopping at for my entertainment wants, and even then, most of those can be handled by Amazon.com. I talk a great game about writing a novel, but I'm too lazy to get stuff typed up and when I do type stuff up I'm constantly self-conscious of it as being derivative and I can't take the criticism of others well, and the praise of others even worse.

In short, I feel like I've ultimately failed at life and am just wasting my time, but am too lazy and selfish to do anything about it. That all I'm amounting to in my life is just sleeping, eating and surfing the internet.

EDIT: And my mom just snidely thanked me for "reinforcing the fact that I don't respect her" by not going for a walk today. It's not like I'm doing her a personal favor or something by refusing to bring a pack of soda up from the basement or something, the only reason she asks me to take walks is because she thinks I'm too fat. Plus, I haven't even eaten anything at all today anyway, so it's not like there's any calories causing problems right now.

[Grinner]

I'm 25 years old, and unlike the majority of my peers from high school, I do not have a driver's license. I've taken the test twice and failed both times due to my anxiety over the stringent nature of the exam. One mistake and I fail. And I feel that no matter how many times I try, I will continue to fail, because I have a consistent history of making mistakes while driving, of getting distracted, usually by talking with someone (not on my phone, but someone sitting next to me in the front seat). What makes this even more pathetic is that I feel I need someone sitting in the front seat talking to me to help me remain alert so I avoid making said mistakes. Even if I were to GET my license this would still be a problem.

Your attention to detail is admirable, if misplaced. Nobody drives perfectly. Nobody. In spite of that, we get along just fine. Why do you need to perfect?

I have a Bachelor of Arts in English Literature, that I'm currently not using in my career.

I won't sugarcoat this. What were you expecting? What demand is there for literature majors? Unless your plan was to become an author, that was a wasted degree.

There is a silver lining, though. I've heard that few people actually end up in their degree's field. If anything, college degrees are the litmus test employers use to determine overall competence.

I've only had one significant romantic relationship in my life, and that relationship was more like a childish crush on both sides of the equation. Both of us were on the autism spectrum, and I broke off the relationship when I realized we didn't really know what we were doing and that I was to immature and irresponsible emotionally to truly love the person. I was too selfish. And I feel I still am. I have a large collection of "me stuff" and I don't really have the will to give any of those things up to welcome in the interests and needs of someone else.

I think you made the right decision.

I also feel that, despite my feelings of attraction to women, it would be wrong to pursue some sort of physical relationship without that emotional commitment to another person. I'm not coming from this from a perspective of faith, or a ban on intimacy prior to a legal declaration of commitment, but rather believe that if I want a physical relationship with a woman, I need to respect them as a human being and not treat them like an object for my gratification.

And...?

My interest in a body-type outside the normal values of dating society at large also I feel mark me as a freak.

What? Eight-limbed, zebra-headed refugees from the island of Dr. Moreau? If not, you're probably alright.

Sarcasm aside, why do you think that?

I don't really have any ambitions or goals in life other than relative comfort. My "bucket list," as it were, largely consists of video games I want to finish playing now that I've re-installed them on a new computer, or Pathfinder Adventure Paths I want to play through. I've traveled overseas in the past, but now have no real desire to go anywhere even outside my own state. The most I want to travel is to the major cities a half-hour away from my hometown because there's no stores in my own hometown worth shopping at for my entertainment wants, and even then, most of those can be handled by Amazon.com.

What's wrong with that?

I talk a great game about writing a novel, but I'm too lazy to get stuff typed up and when I do type stuff up I'm constantly self-conscious of it as being derivative and I can't take the criticism of others well, and the praise of others even worse.

I know the feeling. Don't worry about it. Creativity is recombinant. Worry about its quality, not its originality.

In short, I feel like I've ultimately failed at life and am just wasting my time, but am too lazy and selfish to do anything about it. That all I'm amounting to in my life is just sleeping, eating and surfing the internet.

What was your plan, anyway?

[Skeppio]

Zero-scale would be 'content'. Misery is a lack of stimulation mixed with a lack of happiness. Death lacks both.

I usually measure it as 'apathy' at the zero-point, since it's a definitive medium. Content would be on the positive scale (and you can't really be too content ).

A) You have more options alive than you do dead.
B) There's no rest for the dead. They don't get to sleep for eternity, they get to be turned into a unthinking bag of meat. (unless you believe in an afterlife, but I don't want to assume)
C) The whole reason rest is supposed to be good is that you wake up restful. Rest itself is slow, miserable and boring.

A) I suppose... I don't like most of the options I have while alive though.
B) Well, they do say 'rest in peace'. I was kinda hoping that's what would happen.
C) Eh, I use rest so I have a moment where I don't have to be awake.

Now this stuff....this is the makings of a good plan for the rest of your life. There's long term goals here but there's also short term goals you can achieve fairly quickly as well.

Ugh, tell me about it. It'll take most of my life to accomplish these goals. But which ones are short-term? It'd be nice to have a goal I can complete sooner.

The best bit? You've already achieved one of them already. If you identify, in your heart/soul/collection of neurons as a girl, then a girl you are, Skeppio. Everything else is just working on presentation. I know from a couple of friends of mine that transitioning doesn't happen over night...but there are small changes you can make in the right direction. All it takes is just a small amount of courage. Ask in the LGBT thread about small things you can do to connect with your femininity - it might be wearing a particular fragrance, styling your hair a certain way, or maybe just wearing a certain type of nail polish.

I really wish I could present myself as a girl better. But I don't usually have any of that stuff though. And I don't think my family would let me wear it :/

The best bit? You can do this in the privacy of your own room of an evening. Experiment a bit and see how it makes you feel. Not looking in a mirror but instead try some of the things I mentioned, close your eyes and reach inside. Does it feel right? Do you feel slightly better? Analyse your own feelings, rather than letting them overwhelm you. If it feels good, embrace it! If it doesn't feel quite right, maybe you need to try something different. Experiment with yourself. Once you start to feel secure, then you can work on stepping outside...but one step at a time, right?

My room's not as private as I'd hope. No-one knocks... :/

The bit about not being alone...I won't lie, that's a toughie. I'm still working on that one myself, given that 95% of my friends are online, although I do occasionally meet them in real space. It's a lot easier to say "oh, go to clubs and meet with people that have the same interest as you" than it is to actually go somewhere you've never been before and meet a bunch of entire strangers. There's something of a shy side to you, Skeppio - maybe it's part of your femininity that you need to explore. I also know that you can be very aggresive when you're angry but then very very contrite afterwards about lashing out and that you tend to alternate between the two very quickly. That's what's catching people off guard, I think. I won't be the drum about seeing a therapist about stuff like this but they'd be far more qualified than anyone in here to help with that sort of stuff.

I think, with you, the anger is something of a defence mechanism. It's worked in the past for you as a way of keeping away folks you don't like but you need to develop alternative mental defences as well. Arrogance is a bad thing, true but it can be a useful way to develop confidence as well. When someone says something hurtful to you, your goto response is to attack. Instead, you need to turn that anger in another direction. Tell yourself instead "This person knows jack, *I* know what's good for me. *I* can do this. *I* will do this."

It is, I think. At least if I show anger, it can get people annoying me to back off.
Ehh....I really hate arrogance in general. It might help with confidence, but I can't stand the thought of becoming anything like the bullies from my past. :/

This will help but you need to use it carefully though. Sometimes a friend will say something hurtful to you, even if the advice is well intentioned. So you need to know when to let that mental barrier down, just a little. That said, arrogance is somewhat easier to deal with than angry raging, so it might be slightly easier to work on.

I know... I was better at controlling it. But I dunno what's happened lately.

I'm not too sure about the emigrating stuff yet but I hope some of the other advice above will help you a little.

Yeah...I'm not sure about how I can help myself with that either. Thanks Succubus *hugs*

And thanks HalfTangible *hugs also*

Grr, had a pretty poor day today as well. I was going to the city to a card game set pre-release. But my train got caught at a faulty signal and I ended up nearly an hour late, which meant I couldn't participate. So I went back home empty-handed, and got caught at the same faulty signal on the way back! Even when I try to have a fun day, some random thing ruins it.

[Mx.Silver]

I was hoping that they'd either be happy that I'm no longer miserable, or that they'd be happier without me there to bring their moods down any more.

Yeah, that's a common belief amongst people who are having suicidal thoughts. It basically never turns out to be true though.

And its a lot of money. Not to mention explaining to my parents why I suddenly want to travel halfway across the globe, far further than I've ever gone in my life.

Yes, it's expensive, no disagreement there, but it's probably not so unaffordable as to be impossible.As to the parents, well, you're in your early twenties, going abroad isn't that uncommon for that age range these days. Your parents I can't comment on, because I don't know them - but if they aren't too unusual then they probably won't be unsupportive if they realise it's something that matters a lot to you.

Plus of course, visits and holidays have to end. I can't avoid going back to reality forever.

Look at it another way: is a finite amount of time on a visit worse than never spending any time on a visit at all?

[WarKitty]

Skeppio: a couple of practical questions

(1) Do you have a job? If not, that's the first step. If you can find one, take it. If you need treatment first, do it (I finally accepted meds despite my hatred of them for that reason).

(2) I take it that you're still living with family? Try to work away from that. Take roommates if you have to - possibly looking for help from your local LGBT community. It'll be easier to start doing some girl things when you're not with your family.

(3) Save. I know, that's really hard on a low budget. But it sounds like you really need to. It won't be enough right away to travel across the world. But it could be enough to help get you to a job you might like more, and where you could present.

[Archpaladin Zousha]

Your attention to detail is admirable, if misplaced. Nobody drives perfectly. Nobody. In spite of that, we get along just fine. Why do you need to perfect?

Because perfection is what you need to pass the road test. You make one little mistake, if your bumper so much as touches one of those flags, you're done, you have to start over, and on these later tries I have to pay to take the test, which is another expense on top of my student loans and stuff!

I won't sugarcoat this. What were you expecting? What demand is there for literature majors? Unless your plan was to become an author, that was a wasted degree.

My plan WAS to become an author.

There is a silver lining, though. I've heard that few people actually end up in their degree's field. If anything, college degrees are the litmus test employers use to determine overall competence.

That's what my dad and my psychiatrist have both said, but that's not the standard my mother holds, and it's my mother who keeps nagging me to go into professions I hate because they use my degree and otherwise I wasted my time and money.

I think you made the right decision.

I do too, but that doesn't help things (See below).

And...?

And I still have these urges and desires, that I feel I can't ethically act on. I've lost count of how many times my friends and co-workers have told me "You seriously need to get laid," and part of me WANTS that, but if I can't commit to a serious, long-term, monogamous relationship, due to my autism and my selfishness, I should NOT get involved in the dating scene. And that repression is driving me crazy with hormones.

What? Eight-limbed, zebra-headed refugees from the island of Dr. Moreau? If not, you're probably alright.

Sarcasm aside, why do you think that?

Because when various family members have caught me...admiring...fan art of various television and video game series female characters depicted as obese, the response has invariably been "You're disgusting" and "Don't look at that stuff on the computer."

What's wrong with that?

I don't have any real-life friends to share in my hobby, and I can't really talk about my hobby with people like co-workers because...well...I'm supposed to be working with them. A busy bakery-cafe is not the best place for small talk when there's customers to serve, and after we close when we all wanna finish cleaning and get out of there as fast as possible. The few friends I do have that share my interests are always too busy to hang out with. When I have a day off, they're working all day. When they have an evening available, I'm working a closing shift. The only consistent way I can connect to people anymore is through the internet, and that brings frustrations of its own, especially with how play-by-post games get dropped with regularity. And I think most people would view a bucket-list consisting solely of video games to be pathetic, compared to doing things like owning a house, getting married, or starting a metal band.

I know the feeling. Don't worry about it. Creativity is recombinant. Worry about its quality, not its originality.

And that's something I stress over so much I never get started. I can't count how many times I've been afraid to even start writing because I'm worried it's gonna come out like crap. It's so bad it's prevented me from writing trivial things like RPG character backgrounds because I'm running blind as to setting details and how to make sure my backstory's mood is consistent with that of the story the GM is trying to tell, if the events are too hammy or derivative.

What was your plan, anyway?

I don't know anymore. I don't have any real idea of where I want to go beyond "pay off college debt so Mom stops berating me about it."

[WarKitty]

Ugh I HATE how money works around here. I hate that you've got all the income checks and credit checks. I hate that you can have a perfectly good budget that lets you pay the rent and take care of yourself, but you still can't actually find a place because you don't make a bunch extra.

[HalfTangible]

I usually measure it as 'apathy' at the zero-point, since it's a definitive medium. Content would be on the positive scale (and you can't really be too content ).

I put apathy and motivation on the Z-axis, personally. It's a weeeeeeeeeeeeeeird chart.

Of course you can't be too content. That's why it's a single point on the XY plane instead of an axis of its own.

A) I suppose... I don't like most of the options I have while alive though.
B) Well, they do say 'rest in peace'. I was kinda hoping that's what would happen.
C) Eh, I use rest so I have a moment where I don't have to be awake.

A) It's kind of amazing how often a person just wants to move, even if just to shift position where they're laying.
B) Most afterlives I've heard of punish suicide, and if there is no afterlife then it's impossible to feel peace by definition.
C) I find that if I'm stuck half-asleep and don't wanna wake up it helps to do something that forces me awake. Not entirely sure why.

I really wish I could present myself as a girl better. But I don't usually have any of that stuff though. And I don't think my family would let me wear it :/

Your thoughts have drifted to suicide. I think they'll understand if you want to paint ya bloody nails.

And thanks HalfTangible *hugs also*

Eh, I try. You're welcome.

[WarKitty]

Correction to previous post: After a bit of looking, I have confirmed that the landlord in question is not actually concerned about the money. He's just sort of dumb and trying to legally cover his hinder parts without actually having the first clue how that works.